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Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice
A no-judgment parenting guide that helps you better understand your own emotions as well as your children's needs without resorting to threats or punishment—from a regular dad who made it his mission to share what he learned from his hard-won experiences and personal research
Every parent has had that painful moment of messing up and seeing that they need help if they're going to raise happy, emotionally healthy kids. For Jon Fogel, that moment came after yelling at his son and realizing he was making the same mistakes as his own parents. He knew something had to change. More than figuring out how best to parent his little boy, he needed to understand and redirect his own emotions. That put Fogel on a path towards understanding himself, learning about the brain, naming his emotions, becoming a whole parent. In a few short years, Jon became an inspiration to over a million parents around the world who were striving to be the best parents they could be too.
Now with Punishment-Free Parenting, Fogel, a father of three, pastor, and parenting educator, brings to parents the hard-won insights from his research and work as a parenting coach. In memorable advice and with compassionate insight, Fogel offers moms and dads a clear path to their own wholeness as parents—from learning to recognize and name their own emotional triggers to responding to children with a keener awareness of their developmental processes. What emerges is a path forward into partnership with children and without the drama of punishment.
In these pages, readers will be heartened to meet other parents just like them, and children just like their own, who have learned to use the tools and tips that Fogel offers. Packed with the most helpful research findings from child psychology, neurology, and pediatric medicine, Punishment-Free Parenting is the simple, accessible, no-judgment book for parents who want the support and guidance of a dad just like them.
Every parent has had that painful moment of messing up and seeing that they need help if they're going to raise happy, emotionally healthy kids. For Jon Fogel, that moment came after yelling at his son and realizing he was making the same mistakes as his own parents. He knew something had to change. More than figuring out how best to parent his little boy, he needed to understand and redirect his own emotions. That put Fogel on a path towards understanding himself, learning about the brain, naming his emotions, becoming a whole parent. In a few short years, Jon became an inspiration to over a million parents around the world who were striving to be the best parents they could be too.
Now with Punishment-Free Parenting, Fogel, a father of three, pastor, and parenting educator, brings to parents the hard-won insights from his research and work as a parenting coach. In memorable advice and with compassionate insight, Fogel offers moms and dads a clear path to their own wholeness as parents—from learning to recognize and name their own emotional triggers to responding to children with a keener awareness of their developmental processes. What emerges is a path forward into partnership with children and without the drama of punishment.
In these pages, readers will be heartened to meet other parents just like them, and children just like their own, who have learned to use the tools and tips that Fogel offers. Packed with the most helpful research findings from child psychology, neurology, and pediatric medicine, Punishment-Free Parenting is the simple, accessible, no-judgment book for parents who want the support and guidance of a dad just like them.
245 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 28, 2025
326 people are currently reading
3827 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 88 reviews
July 12, 2025
I do not currently hold any short term parenthood ideations, but there is a new child in my life. My existing knowledge of how to relate with children still works off the assumption I am also a child so I decided it was time to revamp my knowledge-base under the new assumptions of adulthood. My new nephew may have been the initial use case for this book, but it has proven far more valuable.
Punishment free parenting lives in the same house as Atlas of the Heart, and imagines parenting as a lifelong activity. The relationship between parent and child is affected by the same principles that govern our relationship with ourselves and each other, and I would recommend this book to anyone, not just parents.
My chief curiosity from the get go was a detailed explanation on how to raise a child without ever being stern, or raising your voice. This core principle align with my beliefs as an abolitionist and a generally critical perception of punishment in practically any scenario. So the idea of discipline not revolving around punishment is appealing to me, but I struggle to imagine how you can avoid showing stern reactions to immediately hazardous or intensely disruptive behaviour patterns. Employing empathy across the long run seems intuitive, but the minute to minute concerns are where my imagination was failing me. I was surprised to find this question answered in the foreword by simply saying ‘nah yeah sometimes you’ll need to just be stern’. This was a little bit unsatisfying but the rest of the book made up for it.
Fogel applies familiar neurological science to make a compelling case for how punishment is not only unnecessary, but actually a hinderence. Nor does he use a narrow definition of punishment. He is talking about psychological, emotional and physical punishment. Aspersions are cast on everything from a belt buckle to “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.”
Fogel weaves together common wisdom from books of this genre alongside new ideas to create a comprehensive theory of practice. Most people will know it is best to take a moment to regulate yourself before acting on emotions, and it is nothing novel to apply that to a parenting context, but set in place amongst his other ideas, it forms part of a greater whole. His perspective on mistakes as evidence of character flaws for someone with a fixed mindset vs opportunities for change for someone with a ‘growth mindset’, for example, helped me reimagine my approach to situations that normally frustrate me. (I will say tho, I do take some umbrage with ‘growth mindset.’
Other useful tips include making sure we connect heart to heart before brain to brain. Another favourite was his suggestion that naming and validating feelings of someone having a tantrum (or a breakdown as we call it for adults) is valuable in and of itself as a response, and doesn’t need to be accompanied with capitulation to be meaningful. Ultimately his most important point of guidance is honesty in how you parent, what boundaries are, and being receptive to the ideas of children. None of these ideas are uniquely applicable to children. All of them are tips for relating better with other adults that your boundaries press against.
Fogel uses examples well, but analogies poorly. Every piece of advice is accompanied by a clear case within his own experience of how it can be applied, making uptake of his ideas simple. Analogies were more awkward. Analogies are good for understanding ideas, but not for proving them. The fact the most valuable part of a workout is the final push does not inherently convince me that the most valuable part of a tantrum the final scream.
I am also not a huge fan when authors try to appeal to me as an individual reader. it always rings hollow. You don’t know me and you shouldn’t try to motivate me on a personal basis because we don’t have a personal relationship. This becomes obvious when you tell me I’m a great parent and I’m doing my the best I can. I can’t be doing that well, as I don’t even have a child.
Fogel cautiously raises that he is a pastor, and defends himself by talking about the evidence based approaches he utilises. He is right to raise this cautiously with me as his audience because I am indeed cautious of his pastoral voice. But it is not because I am afraid he will be anti-science. Many great scientists were devoutly religious. I am concerned about the ideological underpinnings of his advice. I am on the lookout for a ‘hard work and struggle is a value unto itself, and individual achievement is life’s meaning’ ideology. I see this play out when he debunks the defence of “I hit my kids and they all became doctors” by saying, there are plenty of kids who maybe didn’t become doctors because they were hit. I think the more interesting answer to this defence is: what kind of doctors did they become? Are they happy being doctors?’ Why is ‘whether or not you become a doctor’ a metric of good parenting? Despite my concerns, they are rarely validated across the book. I do think by and large Fogel is consistently aligned with my values here.
Also united airlines sucks, sorry dude don’t know why you used them as a good example for one of your arguments.
One of the greatest takeaways is an expansion of empathy. When I see a child screaming on a plane, for example, I get this small itch of frustration. The question of why the parents are not stepping in. My desire to see that child punished comes from a place of wanting them to stop, not because I want them to feel a consequence to their actions. If I can accept that punishment does not help the child move on from their tantrum, then I no longer need to be frustrated when parents are not punishing children being disruptive in shared spaces. If I was a parent or guardian to a child who was tantrumming I would be concerned about how they disrupt others, an impact I think it is important for parents to include in their priorities, but if I confidently know punishment does not resolve the situation, I will not feel the need to rush to apply punishment to satisfy an audience more than to resolve a tantrum. The next time I see a parent calmly trying to talk to a child screaming next to me on the plane, I can steady my reaction and appreciate that that IS them trying their best to reign in the disruption of their disregulated child.
Something I note from my own childhood was how my parents gave me freedom to react however I felt appropriate when it came to grief. From a young age, grief has been an incredibly manageable emotion for me. This kind of liberty to feel however you think you should feel about every emotion, is my main takeaway.
A great book for everyone.
Punishment free parenting lives in the same house as Atlas of the Heart, and imagines parenting as a lifelong activity. The relationship between parent and child is affected by the same principles that govern our relationship with ourselves and each other, and I would recommend this book to anyone, not just parents.
My chief curiosity from the get go was a detailed explanation on how to raise a child without ever being stern, or raising your voice. This core principle align with my beliefs as an abolitionist and a generally critical perception of punishment in practically any scenario. So the idea of discipline not revolving around punishment is appealing to me, but I struggle to imagine how you can avoid showing stern reactions to immediately hazardous or intensely disruptive behaviour patterns. Employing empathy across the long run seems intuitive, but the minute to minute concerns are where my imagination was failing me. I was surprised to find this question answered in the foreword by simply saying ‘nah yeah sometimes you’ll need to just be stern’. This was a little bit unsatisfying but the rest of the book made up for it.
Fogel applies familiar neurological science to make a compelling case for how punishment is not only unnecessary, but actually a hinderence. Nor does he use a narrow definition of punishment. He is talking about psychological, emotional and physical punishment. Aspersions are cast on everything from a belt buckle to “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.”
Fogel weaves together common wisdom from books of this genre alongside new ideas to create a comprehensive theory of practice. Most people will know it is best to take a moment to regulate yourself before acting on emotions, and it is nothing novel to apply that to a parenting context, but set in place amongst his other ideas, it forms part of a greater whole. His perspective on mistakes as evidence of character flaws for someone with a fixed mindset vs opportunities for change for someone with a ‘growth mindset’, for example, helped me reimagine my approach to situations that normally frustrate me. (I will say tho, I do take some umbrage with ‘growth mindset.’
Other useful tips include making sure we connect heart to heart before brain to brain. Another favourite was his suggestion that naming and validating feelings of someone having a tantrum (or a breakdown as we call it for adults) is valuable in and of itself as a response, and doesn’t need to be accompanied with capitulation to be meaningful. Ultimately his most important point of guidance is honesty in how you parent, what boundaries are, and being receptive to the ideas of children. None of these ideas are uniquely applicable to children. All of them are tips for relating better with other adults that your boundaries press against.
Fogel uses examples well, but analogies poorly. Every piece of advice is accompanied by a clear case within his own experience of how it can be applied, making uptake of his ideas simple. Analogies were more awkward. Analogies are good for understanding ideas, but not for proving them. The fact the most valuable part of a workout is the final push does not inherently convince me that the most valuable part of a tantrum the final scream.
I am also not a huge fan when authors try to appeal to me as an individual reader. it always rings hollow. You don’t know me and you shouldn’t try to motivate me on a personal basis because we don’t have a personal relationship. This becomes obvious when you tell me I’m a great parent and I’m doing my the best I can. I can’t be doing that well, as I don’t even have a child.
Fogel cautiously raises that he is a pastor, and defends himself by talking about the evidence based approaches he utilises. He is right to raise this cautiously with me as his audience because I am indeed cautious of his pastoral voice. But it is not because I am afraid he will be anti-science. Many great scientists were devoutly religious. I am concerned about the ideological underpinnings of his advice. I am on the lookout for a ‘hard work and struggle is a value unto itself, and individual achievement is life’s meaning’ ideology. I see this play out when he debunks the defence of “I hit my kids and they all became doctors” by saying, there are plenty of kids who maybe didn’t become doctors because they were hit. I think the more interesting answer to this defence is: what kind of doctors did they become? Are they happy being doctors?’ Why is ‘whether or not you become a doctor’ a metric of good parenting? Despite my concerns, they are rarely validated across the book. I do think by and large Fogel is consistently aligned with my values here.
Also united airlines sucks, sorry dude don’t know why you used them as a good example for one of your arguments.
One of the greatest takeaways is an expansion of empathy. When I see a child screaming on a plane, for example, I get this small itch of frustration. The question of why the parents are not stepping in. My desire to see that child punished comes from a place of wanting them to stop, not because I want them to feel a consequence to their actions. If I can accept that punishment does not help the child move on from their tantrum, then I no longer need to be frustrated when parents are not punishing children being disruptive in shared spaces. If I was a parent or guardian to a child who was tantrumming I would be concerned about how they disrupt others, an impact I think it is important for parents to include in their priorities, but if I confidently know punishment does not resolve the situation, I will not feel the need to rush to apply punishment to satisfy an audience more than to resolve a tantrum. The next time I see a parent calmly trying to talk to a child screaming next to me on the plane, I can steady my reaction and appreciate that that IS them trying their best to reign in the disruption of their disregulated child.
Something I note from my own childhood was how my parents gave me freedom to react however I felt appropriate when it came to grief. From a young age, grief has been an incredibly manageable emotion for me. This kind of liberty to feel however you think you should feel about every emotion, is my main takeaway.
A great book for everyone.
February 1, 2025
A solid continuation of the work done by Dan Siegel and Adele Faber, Punishment-Free Parenting aims to recenter to the narrative around “gentle parenting” away from both permissive and authoritarian parenting. Fogel draws from a lot of the concepts in Siegel and Payne Bryson’s The Power of Showing Up and Whole Brain Parenting, and Adele Faber’s How to Talk so Kids will Listen (and its modern equivalent by Joanna Faber).
The central thesis of the book is that parents must reexamine their own patterns, traumas and cycles to create healthier interactions with their children focused on boundaries and consequences rather than punishments. He gives context for this claim through research and anecdotal evidence, and he speaks to modern parents around the pressures of social media and internet access.
I have read a lot of parenting books in this vein, and it was a nice refresher but did not give anything particularly novel. I appreciated the reminders about collaboration, curiosity, and internal reflection. This book is synthesizing a lot of information from other authors in engaging ways. However, I feel like it tries to be too much of too many things without doing enough of either. If you want a book that dives into the neuroscience of the upstairs and downstairs brain, reading Whole Brain Child is a better bet; if you want practical tips with lots of suggestions and tips, How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen does a better job. This book does a little of both without doing enough of either. I think having one more chapter with practical suggestions and examples would have gone a long way to make this book stick.
One final note: this book does my parenting book pet peeve, which is forcing an acronym for the sake of an acronym. There are two different acronyms used for various parenting tips and at least one letter is functionally useless. Just stop, guys. Please.
Did I feel like it would help people? Absolutely! If you pick this book up without having ever touched the concepts, I think Fogel is a non-judgmental voice synthesizing these ideas. But I think I would recommend the Faber and King books over it for most people, and Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson for those who want more of the neuroscience elements.
The central thesis of the book is that parents must reexamine their own patterns, traumas and cycles to create healthier interactions with their children focused on boundaries and consequences rather than punishments. He gives context for this claim through research and anecdotal evidence, and he speaks to modern parents around the pressures of social media and internet access.
I have read a lot of parenting books in this vein, and it was a nice refresher but did not give anything particularly novel. I appreciated the reminders about collaboration, curiosity, and internal reflection. This book is synthesizing a lot of information from other authors in engaging ways. However, I feel like it tries to be too much of too many things without doing enough of either. If you want a book that dives into the neuroscience of the upstairs and downstairs brain, reading Whole Brain Child is a better bet; if you want practical tips with lots of suggestions and tips, How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen does a better job. This book does a little of both without doing enough of either. I think having one more chapter with practical suggestions and examples would have gone a long way to make this book stick.
One final note: this book does my parenting book pet peeve, which is forcing an acronym for the sake of an acronym. There are two different acronyms used for various parenting tips and at least one letter is functionally useless. Just stop, guys. Please.
Did I feel like it would help people? Absolutely! If you pick this book up without having ever touched the concepts, I think Fogel is a non-judgmental voice synthesizing these ideas. But I think I would recommend the Faber and King books over it for most people, and Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson for those who want more of the neuroscience elements.
June 11, 2025
Rated 3.5 (I don’t read a lot of self help so I’m not sure how to rate this)
Need to get this in the hands of all the wooden spoon survivors so we don’t perpetuate corporal punishment and can break cycles of harm to raise a better generation of adults.
I think if you are someone that has read enough on transformative justice, you may not need to read this but it is a nice easy read that I will be recommending to other parents in my life that don’t have the same values as me.
Need to get this in the hands of all the wooden spoon survivors so we don’t perpetuate corporal punishment and can break cycles of harm to raise a better generation of adults.
I think if you are someone that has read enough on transformative justice, you may not need to read this but it is a nice easy read that I will be recommending to other parents in my life that don’t have the same values as me.
July 24, 2025
Petition to make this required reading for all big humans with little humans in their lives
January 14, 2026
Very insightful, helpful and practical parenting book. I appreciated the kind and understanding tone, I felt validated ánd motivated. For me this was the parenting book I needed after reading The Whole Brain Child (which is a good primer for this one). Will definitely encourage my husband to read it too so we can implement the strategies from this book together. Would have appreciated some sort of hand-out as conclusion.
November 14, 2025
Let’s face it - this parenting this is hard if you care/are at least putting in more than minimum effort. I really picked this up to understand how to set better boundaries without feeling like I’m ruining their childhood and using effective consequences and not doing ones that have no correlation. I have some new tools but let’s see how it goes *long suffering exhausted mother sigh* *I love my kids*
February 13, 2025
Thank you, Penguin Randomhouse and Jon, for an ARC!
To say Punishment-Free Parenting was the perfect book for my current parenting needs is an understatement. I devoured the whole book in just a day despite working 2 jobs and having 2 toddlers at home. While I found the whole book insightful, handsdown, my favorite chapter was Chapter 4 on using consequence effectively. This has been a HUGE struggle for my husband and me with our 4.5 year old. The way Jon explains it was like a light bulb moment. It's just fantastic!
While I was reading, I came across a post on Instagram that was a quote by Branden Collinsworth that I think fits Jon and his book perfectly. It's long but here is a snippet: "The biggest flex is knowing that your existence is a force for good, that your energy moves through this world, sparking something deeper in the people you meet.
It's in the way you show up, not just for yourself, but for everyone around you.
When you leave a mark, when your impact becomes someone else's fuel, that's when you know you're moving in alignment with something bigger. It's not about how loud you shout; it's about the quiet moments where your actions speak for you, where your presence alone is enough to shift the energy in the room."
Jon's impact from this book will become someone else's fuel--it's become mine. My hope for him and all the parents out there is that Jon's presence with this book alone is enough to shift the energy in the proverbial room that is parenting.
I've read a lot of parenting books, and I think Punishment-Free Parenting has landed at the top of my list for one I would actually recommend to my friends and family!
To say Punishment-Free Parenting was the perfect book for my current parenting needs is an understatement. I devoured the whole book in just a day despite working 2 jobs and having 2 toddlers at home. While I found the whole book insightful, handsdown, my favorite chapter was Chapter 4 on using consequence effectively. This has been a HUGE struggle for my husband and me with our 4.5 year old. The way Jon explains it was like a light bulb moment. It's just fantastic!
While I was reading, I came across a post on Instagram that was a quote by Branden Collinsworth that I think fits Jon and his book perfectly. It's long but here is a snippet: "The biggest flex is knowing that your existence is a force for good, that your energy moves through this world, sparking something deeper in the people you meet.
It's in the way you show up, not just for yourself, but for everyone around you.
When you leave a mark, when your impact becomes someone else's fuel, that's when you know you're moving in alignment with something bigger. It's not about how loud you shout; it's about the quiet moments where your actions speak for you, where your presence alone is enough to shift the energy in the room."
Jon's impact from this book will become someone else's fuel--it's become mine. My hope for him and all the parents out there is that Jon's presence with this book alone is enough to shift the energy in the proverbial room that is parenting.
I've read a lot of parenting books, and I think Punishment-Free Parenting has landed at the top of my list for one I would actually recommend to my friends and family!
April 15, 2025
Fogel is a protégé of Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (two of the most influential and respected in the field of studying and understanding kids’ brains and emotions) so it’s no surprise this book is a game-changer. Fogel names familiar strategies I already use and builds on them with clear, practical tools for real-life situations. His approach is empowering, respectful, and easy to implement. A must-read for any parent seeking effective, compassionate alternatives to traditional discipline.
January 21, 2026
I highly recommend reading this book. Not only was this good to understand how to raise kids without punishing but it made me think about how to be kind to yourself first. As someone who was raised in 90s with ‘punishment free parenting’ style, I am not sure where I picked up the idea of internally punishing myself.
The idea of consequences of your action truly resonates with me. But this book taught me associative consequences that will go long way and kids will remember this. I also learned more about setting correct boundaries.
Favorite lines -
- Word sorry is not always necessary but accountability absolutely is. We tend to tell kids to ‘say sorry’ first but its important to remember that they take responsibility of their actions and understand what happened. Also as parents we need to remember ‘No apology should end with ‘but’ sentences’.
While books like these can sometimes be difficult to comprehend, it’s important to take breaks while reading it.
The idea of consequences of your action truly resonates with me. But this book taught me associative consequences that will go long way and kids will remember this. I also learned more about setting correct boundaries.
Favorite lines -
- Word sorry is not always necessary but accountability absolutely is. We tend to tell kids to ‘say sorry’ first but its important to remember that they take responsibility of their actions and understand what happened. Also as parents we need to remember ‘No apology should end with ‘but’ sentences’.
While books like these can sometimes be difficult to comprehend, it’s important to take breaks while reading it.
January 13, 2026
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Any parent who has felt like timeouts and punishment aren’t the path you’d like to take with your child will appreciate the sentiment in this book of connection over correction.
There are multiple useful acronyms both about your child’s behavior and yours as a parent. It focuses on not using shame to teach, and making sure all parties are in a healthy, calm, balanced mindset before approaching behavior modification.
I bought the physical copy of this book after listening to it on audiobook and will be spending quite a bit of time with a highlighter, reinforcing so many of the articulate and profound lessons this author brilliantly shares. As a millennial raised by pretty a-emotional parents, so much of this book felt like it was written just for me!
Any parent who has felt like timeouts and punishment aren’t the path you’d like to take with your child will appreciate the sentiment in this book of connection over correction.
There are multiple useful acronyms both about your child’s behavior and yours as a parent. It focuses on not using shame to teach, and making sure all parties are in a healthy, calm, balanced mindset before approaching behavior modification.
I bought the physical copy of this book after listening to it on audiobook and will be spending quite a bit of time with a highlighter, reinforcing so many of the articulate and profound lessons this author brilliantly shares. As a millennial raised by pretty a-emotional parents, so much of this book felt like it was written just for me!
January 31, 2025
This is a distillation of the latest science of parenting and child development. I enjoyed the whole brained child immensely and found this book builds upon that foundation of brain science but brings it into everyday situations. I was looking for a science-lead approach, but I wasn't expecting it to be so practical and immediately applicable
August 17, 2025
Quick read and I really enjoyed it. The author wrote it in a way to build parents up and not make them feel like they’ve been doing things wrong. Quite a few great examples as well.
January 21, 2026
needed a little parenting reset and this delivered!
June 11, 2025
4.75 stars.
This is a VERY high rating for me to give a parenting book. I've raised all four of my children (now 19, 17, 15, and 11 -- older than the author's children) without punishments and it's always nice to find a book that outlines roughly what I've done with my parenting.
These methods DO work. I didn't follow them exactly of course because the book is newer than my parenting practice, but it is absolutely possible to raise amazing and independent and self-disciplined adults without ever punishing them as children
In fact, I think it's easier to raise those sorts of humans without punishments than it would be to raise them WITH punishments.
My only issue with this book is that it uses the word "boundaries" instead of "limits" or "rules" because boundaries means something totally different between adults and it's just confusing to me to also use the word to mean limits or rules with children...
I believe we also should have interpersonal boundaries with our children and set limits on how they encroach upon our bodies and time (gradually as they get older, newborns are totally dependent and need a great deal from us 24/7).
I started off very attachment-parenting when they were little and gradually set those boundaries on how much I was able to help or protect them as they grew into tweens and teenagers, which helped them become independent and capable of handling their own affairs as they were developmentally able to.
Anyhow, it's a small and possibly pedantic complaint, but I found the book to be marvelous overall and I highly recommend it!
This is a VERY high rating for me to give a parenting book. I've raised all four of my children (now 19, 17, 15, and 11 -- older than the author's children) without punishments and it's always nice to find a book that outlines roughly what I've done with my parenting.
These methods DO work. I didn't follow them exactly of course because the book is newer than my parenting practice, but it is absolutely possible to raise amazing and independent and self-disciplined adults without ever punishing them as children
In fact, I think it's easier to raise those sorts of humans without punishments than it would be to raise them WITH punishments.
My only issue with this book is that it uses the word "boundaries" instead of "limits" or "rules" because boundaries means something totally different between adults and it's just confusing to me to also use the word to mean limits or rules with children...
I believe we also should have interpersonal boundaries with our children and set limits on how they encroach upon our bodies and time (gradually as they get older, newborns are totally dependent and need a great deal from us 24/7).
I started off very attachment-parenting when they were little and gradually set those boundaries on how much I was able to help or protect them as they grew into tweens and teenagers, which helped them become independent and capable of handling their own affairs as they were developmentally able to.
Anyhow, it's a small and possibly pedantic complaint, but I found the book to be marvelous overall and I highly recommend it!
November 19, 2024
Punishment Free Parenting is a fantastic introduction to the world of conscious parenting. It’s a fairly quick read and Jon Fogel is skilled at taking and distilling the neuroscience of brain development into understandable discussions for the modern parent who is interested in doing things differently.
The book is structured into three parts. The first part is devoted to a high level discussion on why we should care, as parents, to consider parenting more consciously— ie why should I discontinue using tools like shame, blame, and other punitive tactics to control my child’s behavior as they grow. This section dives into a high level overview of brain development and how relationship currency is based on connection. It’s based on science, but it’s anything but boring and it doesn’t feel like textbook reading. The second section is about and directed to the parent. In order to parent consciously, we have to be aware of our triggers (and why is it that our kids know instinctively how to step on the lot of them?!). This section is compassionate and kind as it helps the reader to consider how implicit and explicit memories from childhood are subconsciously directing the big reactions we have when we are suddenly triggered by our children. After helping to identify how we can find the root of our reactions, it provides us with tools to practice to help separate from the past and parent in the here and now. The final section is the framework for parenting without punishment. It is the shortest section of them all but it’s an actionable step forward with tools and a scaffold for how to parent (without telling the reader how to parent). You will not find scripts for every parenting moment of hard you will ever face, but you will find in this section the key concepts that can be successfully applied to hard parenting moments throughout your child’s life.
One section that I’d have liked to see is an extended discussion on how parenting changes through each stage of development. There is a playground analogy that describes how a successful boundary may in fact need to be adjusted for age and stage (a safe, fun playground for a 3 year old does not look like a safe fun playground for a 9 year old). It’s not necessary to this book for me to recommend it with gusto, but I’d have loved to see the authors take on how each stage of development has differing needs as they grow— namely a 3yr old needs and attachment to a parent figure looks wildly different than what a 15yr old needs in attachment to a parent. His skill at distilling developmental brain science into laypersons English is admirable and I’d have loved to see this discussion more fleshed out.
While this book is not inherently religious, Jon Fogel is acknowledges he is a pastor, and I love the way he is open about that fact. It’s not a book that someone who is not Christian would feel turned off by the religious overtones throughout — indeed, I do believe it was intended to be a secular book. But, just the admission that he is a pastor will also catch the Christian readers attention and invite deep thought and consideration to a parenting framework that is easily dismissed in some circles of Christianity.
This book is a solid resource for parents and I commend it to you.
I would like to thank Convergent Books and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
The book is structured into three parts. The first part is devoted to a high level discussion on why we should care, as parents, to consider parenting more consciously— ie why should I discontinue using tools like shame, blame, and other punitive tactics to control my child’s behavior as they grow. This section dives into a high level overview of brain development and how relationship currency is based on connection. It’s based on science, but it’s anything but boring and it doesn’t feel like textbook reading. The second section is about and directed to the parent. In order to parent consciously, we have to be aware of our triggers (and why is it that our kids know instinctively how to step on the lot of them?!). This section is compassionate and kind as it helps the reader to consider how implicit and explicit memories from childhood are subconsciously directing the big reactions we have when we are suddenly triggered by our children. After helping to identify how we can find the root of our reactions, it provides us with tools to practice to help separate from the past and parent in the here and now. The final section is the framework for parenting without punishment. It is the shortest section of them all but it’s an actionable step forward with tools and a scaffold for how to parent (without telling the reader how to parent). You will not find scripts for every parenting moment of hard you will ever face, but you will find in this section the key concepts that can be successfully applied to hard parenting moments throughout your child’s life.
One section that I’d have liked to see is an extended discussion on how parenting changes through each stage of development. There is a playground analogy that describes how a successful boundary may in fact need to be adjusted for age and stage (a safe, fun playground for a 3 year old does not look like a safe fun playground for a 9 year old). It’s not necessary to this book for me to recommend it with gusto, but I’d have loved to see the authors take on how each stage of development has differing needs as they grow— namely a 3yr old needs and attachment to a parent figure looks wildly different than what a 15yr old needs in attachment to a parent. His skill at distilling developmental brain science into laypersons English is admirable and I’d have loved to see this discussion more fleshed out.
While this book is not inherently religious, Jon Fogel is acknowledges he is a pastor, and I love the way he is open about that fact. It’s not a book that someone who is not Christian would feel turned off by the religious overtones throughout — indeed, I do believe it was intended to be a secular book. But, just the admission that he is a pastor will also catch the Christian readers attention and invite deep thought and consideration to a parenting framework that is easily dismissed in some circles of Christianity.
This book is a solid resource for parents and I commend it to you.
I would like to thank Convergent Books and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
July 18, 2025
I thought this book was pretty good, but I’ll try to critique it without giving my own philosophy on parenting…
Many disagreements I have with people often just come down to semantics. The question is “how do you define punishment?” He doesn’t advocate for “gentle parenting,” he believes in setting firm boundaries, and he thinks that consequences are important. His goal is to teach rather than chastise, which I think is noble.
My problem is that punishment exists in adult life. I don’t think I should make a habit of yelling at my child, but I’m also afraid of what might happen if the first person who raises their voice at my daughter is her teacher or her boss. Also, sometimes I think it’s important to create consequences for unacceptable or dangerous behavior, because they don’t always manifest naturally. I’m also curious how his methods might change once his children become teenagers.
He says repeatedly that there is no perfect parent nor perfect parenting style, and he does a really good job of not sounding self righteous or morally superior. That said, I feel like there should be a middle ground between “everything is a discussion” and “because I say so.” This book has valuable information, but I’m not sure he nails it.
Many disagreements I have with people often just come down to semantics. The question is “how do you define punishment?” He doesn’t advocate for “gentle parenting,” he believes in setting firm boundaries, and he thinks that consequences are important. His goal is to teach rather than chastise, which I think is noble.
My problem is that punishment exists in adult life. I don’t think I should make a habit of yelling at my child, but I’m also afraid of what might happen if the first person who raises their voice at my daughter is her teacher or her boss. Also, sometimes I think it’s important to create consequences for unacceptable or dangerous behavior, because they don’t always manifest naturally. I’m also curious how his methods might change once his children become teenagers.
He says repeatedly that there is no perfect parent nor perfect parenting style, and he does a really good job of not sounding self righteous or morally superior. That said, I feel like there should be a middle ground between “everything is a discussion” and “because I say so.” This book has valuable information, but I’m not sure he nails it.
June 25, 2025
The main idea of Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids without Raising Your Voice is to replace punishment with talking to your children. The first 165 pages are mostly "why," with some "how," and the last chapter, which is 33 pages, lays out the WHOLE parenting method (Wiring, Honor, Outline, Lead, Empower). The first part of the book defines a lot of terms, like cycle breakers, natural vs. logical consequences, grounding, emotions detective vs. emotions judge, win-win thinking vs. win-lose thinking, and fixed mindset vs. growth mindset (and it cites sources for these concepts).
Here are a few takeaways:
--Coming from ancient Greek, "discipline" means "to teach," not "to punish."
--If you try to discipline your child in the moment of misbehavior, like training a dog, they won't necessarily remember the lesson, because they might be in survival mode/in fight-or-flight/with their amygdala running the show.
--"The first person you need to learn to parent is always you."
--"Get curious, not furious."
--"Kids aren't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time." Maybe they're acting out because they're HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired), or because they're suffering from stagnation, injury/illness, loss of autonomy/control, loss of safety, or disconnection from nature.
--"There is no time in the mind." This quote from Dan Nicholas means we're thrown back into survival mode when we're triggered.
All of that was very interesting and easy to read. The best part of this section is the three examples that are fleshed out, which are the story of the author's son drawing with red Sharpie on the new deck, the story of the author's son stealing his brother's stuffed shark, and the story of the author's son needing to wear a bicycle helmet. They show the WHOLE method in action, which helps.
As far as I remember, those are the only three full examples, though, which leads me to have to stretch to fill in the gaps. One partial example given involved a three-year-old pushing another kid down in the sandbox and taking his truck. What exactly should you do if your three-year-old does that? The dialog isn't listed, but basically, it says to tell your three-year-old that no one's going to want to play with them if they act like that. Is that all? My mind's spinning with other what-ifs, too: what if my toddler keeps climbing inside the fireplace; what do I do then? What if my child hides a note from his teacher so I don't see it; what's the correct procedure? I can extrapolate and imagine, but more examples would help.
This is my summary of the WHOLE method:
Wiring: Make sure everyone is safe. Practice mindfulness about yourself. Consider your child's wiring. Don't try to teach lizards (don't try to reason with a child when they're dysregulated because their so-called lizard brain has taken over, making them not in a good place to learn).
Honor: Connect heart-to-heart with a hug, hand on the shoulder, etc. Validate their feelings.
Outline: Outline the boundary and define the logical consequence. Logical consequences must be WASP (warranted, reasonable, associated, and proportional). Examples: "I can't let you ride without a helmet. I can put the bike in the shed." "I can't let you download Instagram. If you download it, I'll have to switch you back to your old flip phone."
Lead: Examples of leading include using the methods of silliness, singing, grounding (the calming kind, not keeping the child at home), and centering breaths.
Empower: As the mentor, do collaborative problem-solving, a mistake review, or improv ("yes/and" or role reversal).
WHOLE seems like a humane method that's good for kids, but I don't think the acronym and steps are very clear. As the author admits, the first step, Wiring, which is basically achieving mindfulness, is a lifelong process of great difficulty, and the list of recommended questions to ask yourself at the moment your child is misbehaving is quite long, literally 23 questions. Honor is good, and I've used it myself to good effect. The Outline step sounds an awful lot like punishment to me, with the distinction being that it's not merely a retributive action, and it's sandwiched between relationship-building steps on either side. I don't understand the "Lead" step. Empower is good.
It's making me examine my beliefs about why punishment is necessary or why it isn't. Ultimately, I'm not sure I'm convinced to immediately go 100% punishment-free, but I like the idea, and I'm willing to try a lot of the advice in the book.
Here are a few takeaways:
--Coming from ancient Greek, "discipline" means "to teach," not "to punish."
--If you try to discipline your child in the moment of misbehavior, like training a dog, they won't necessarily remember the lesson, because they might be in survival mode/in fight-or-flight/with their amygdala running the show.
--"The first person you need to learn to parent is always you."
--"Get curious, not furious."
--"Kids aren't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time." Maybe they're acting out because they're HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired), or because they're suffering from stagnation, injury/illness, loss of autonomy/control, loss of safety, or disconnection from nature.
--"There is no time in the mind." This quote from Dan Nicholas means we're thrown back into survival mode when we're triggered.
All of that was very interesting and easy to read. The best part of this section is the three examples that are fleshed out, which are the story of the author's son drawing with red Sharpie on the new deck, the story of the author's son stealing his brother's stuffed shark, and the story of the author's son needing to wear a bicycle helmet. They show the WHOLE method in action, which helps.
As far as I remember, those are the only three full examples, though, which leads me to have to stretch to fill in the gaps. One partial example given involved a three-year-old pushing another kid down in the sandbox and taking his truck. What exactly should you do if your three-year-old does that? The dialog isn't listed, but basically, it says to tell your three-year-old that no one's going to want to play with them if they act like that. Is that all? My mind's spinning with other what-ifs, too: what if my toddler keeps climbing inside the fireplace; what do I do then? What if my child hides a note from his teacher so I don't see it; what's the correct procedure? I can extrapolate and imagine, but more examples would help.
This is my summary of the WHOLE method:
Wiring: Make sure everyone is safe. Practice mindfulness about yourself. Consider your child's wiring. Don't try to teach lizards (don't try to reason with a child when they're dysregulated because their so-called lizard brain has taken over, making them not in a good place to learn).
Honor: Connect heart-to-heart with a hug, hand on the shoulder, etc. Validate their feelings.
Outline: Outline the boundary and define the logical consequence. Logical consequences must be WASP (warranted, reasonable, associated, and proportional). Examples: "I can't let you ride without a helmet. I can put the bike in the shed." "I can't let you download Instagram. If you download it, I'll have to switch you back to your old flip phone."
Lead: Examples of leading include using the methods of silliness, singing, grounding (the calming kind, not keeping the child at home), and centering breaths.
Empower: As the mentor, do collaborative problem-solving, a mistake review, or improv ("yes/and" or role reversal).
WHOLE seems like a humane method that's good for kids, but I don't think the acronym and steps are very clear. As the author admits, the first step, Wiring, which is basically achieving mindfulness, is a lifelong process of great difficulty, and the list of recommended questions to ask yourself at the moment your child is misbehaving is quite long, literally 23 questions. Honor is good, and I've used it myself to good effect. The Outline step sounds an awful lot like punishment to me, with the distinction being that it's not merely a retributive action, and it's sandwiched between relationship-building steps on either side. I don't understand the "Lead" step. Empower is good.
It's making me examine my beliefs about why punishment is necessary or why it isn't. Ultimately, I'm not sure I'm convinced to immediately go 100% punishment-free, but I like the idea, and I'm willing to try a lot of the advice in the book.
January 29, 2025
I received Punishment Free Parenting as an advanced reader. I am in Jon's Whole parent group and follow him on socials so I was intrigued and excited when he said he would be putting out a book ( and an audible reader). This book has been very hard to put down! I have read many parenting books of all kinds, Jon's has been one of the more helpful on my reparenting respectful parenting journey. I have 3 children 2, 7 and 10 and it had a little bit for everyone in my household. I have already successfully used some of the tips with my 10 and 2 year old. which is a big win for all of us.
If the fact that Eli Harwood, Tina Bryson Payne, Conscious Hippie Mama, among others within this sphere are toting this book and raving about it is not enough. The man does his work, he's got scientific research backing his knowledge, first hand experience working with parents and doing the work within his own family as well as consulting top educators to make sure this book is as honest, truthful and accurate. Just look in the back of the book for the notes for a wealth of extra reading if you want to see the research, the studies etc.
I relate this book to a walk in the woods with a friend. As you traverse over rough terrain(of parenting), though mucky bogs (of stick situations and hard boundaries) and spooky caves( of childhood memories) he's with you every step of the way. Encouraging you to go slow and steady, find your footing and if you fall get back up again and keep going forward with your "growth mindset". As he put it, this parenting gig is a marathon not a sprint and making mistake is all part of the journey, its ultimately those that you make that help you learn the most. He makes things relatable and easy to digest. I could easily turn to any chapter and find exactly what I am needing. Most importantly its easy to utilize and implement right away. and if you mess up it's easy to start over again from the beginning.
You feel like you're truly in it together, that you can do this.
Make no mistake, he doesn't mince words when he's honest about the work you need to do to get where you want to be. He explains how you need to reframe your thinking and how tricky it may be for some parents to wade through the bogs and the spooky caves ahead. The promise is there though, of results. He tries to make these difficult daunting tasks a bit easier by breaking them down into bite sized pieces. He also throw a bit of his life experiences with his own children in there for good measure. If you love seeing how tiny brains work or want to be more knowledgeable about why things happen the way they do to better understand your child, this is the book you need. I was blown away by how much I learned, about not just my children, but myself too.
If you're like me and not religious, don't be put off by the fact this book was written by a pastor. Jon makes it clear this is for everyone. The only mentions of religion are due to the parenting he received as a child and related anecdotes in regards to certain topics. I believe his knowledge coming from his occupation has been extremely beneficial to his worldview and view on parenthood. For those of us who want to break cycles, do better, give our kids a chance at a better more respectful and emotionally regulated future, he's got you covered. It was a relatively fast read, but quality over quantity always. You wont be disappointed
If the fact that Eli Harwood, Tina Bryson Payne, Conscious Hippie Mama, among others within this sphere are toting this book and raving about it is not enough. The man does his work, he's got scientific research backing his knowledge, first hand experience working with parents and doing the work within his own family as well as consulting top educators to make sure this book is as honest, truthful and accurate. Just look in the back of the book for the notes for a wealth of extra reading if you want to see the research, the studies etc.
I relate this book to a walk in the woods with a friend. As you traverse over rough terrain(of parenting), though mucky bogs (of stick situations and hard boundaries) and spooky caves( of childhood memories) he's with you every step of the way. Encouraging you to go slow and steady, find your footing and if you fall get back up again and keep going forward with your "growth mindset". As he put it, this parenting gig is a marathon not a sprint and making mistake is all part of the journey, its ultimately those that you make that help you learn the most. He makes things relatable and easy to digest. I could easily turn to any chapter and find exactly what I am needing. Most importantly its easy to utilize and implement right away. and if you mess up it's easy to start over again from the beginning.
You feel like you're truly in it together, that you can do this.
Make no mistake, he doesn't mince words when he's honest about the work you need to do to get where you want to be. He explains how you need to reframe your thinking and how tricky it may be for some parents to wade through the bogs and the spooky caves ahead. The promise is there though, of results. He tries to make these difficult daunting tasks a bit easier by breaking them down into bite sized pieces. He also throw a bit of his life experiences with his own children in there for good measure. If you love seeing how tiny brains work or want to be more knowledgeable about why things happen the way they do to better understand your child, this is the book you need. I was blown away by how much I learned, about not just my children, but myself too.
If you're like me and not religious, don't be put off by the fact this book was written by a pastor. Jon makes it clear this is for everyone. The only mentions of religion are due to the parenting he received as a child and related anecdotes in regards to certain topics. I believe his knowledge coming from his occupation has been extremely beneficial to his worldview and view on parenthood. For those of us who want to break cycles, do better, give our kids a chance at a better more respectful and emotionally regulated future, he's got you covered. It was a relatively fast read, but quality over quantity always. You wont be disappointed
January 26, 2025
As a dad of two, I’ve read my fair share of parenting books, hoping for some magical answers to make life easier. But Punishment-Free Parenting by Jon Fogel? This one’s different. It’s not about shortcuts, tricks, or getting your kids to obey every word. It’s about something deeper. Raising emotionally-healthy, capable adults while building an unshakable bond with your kids.
What makes this book so refreshing is Jon himself. He’s not some researcher in a lab or a perfect parent handing down advice from a pedestal. He’s a real parent who wanted to do better. His honesty about his mistakes and journey makes this book hit so hard. And while it’s packed with science and research, it’s not a lecture. It’s like sitting down with a friend who’s done the homework and genuinely wants to share what works.
Jon does something I didn’t expect. He explains not only how to parent better, but why we parent the way we do. You don’t expect a parenting book to hold up a mirror and make you think about your own childhood. But it does. You'll discover why you react the way you do when your kid won’t listen. It’s part self-reflection, part science, and part guidebook—and it all makes sense.
One of the key takeaways for me was realizing how young my kids still are, even though they seem so grown up. A four-year-old is much closer to an infant than a mature adult. Even though they’re walking, talking, and asking a million questions. Jon reminds us to parent with that perspective. "Don’t stop them from falling; be the parent who picks them up and helps them grow."
The WHOLE Parent Method Jon introduces isn’t about punishment or control. It’s about building trust, teaching empathy. The result is raising kids who’ll grow up to share their successes and their struggles with you. The goal isn’t only easier days. It’s preparing your kids to thrive in the real world with the emotional and social skills they’ll need to succeed.
This isn’t only a book to help you feel more in control as a parent. It’s for those who want to grow as people, too. Jon writes from the perspective of a millennial parent and shares his struggles and victories in a way that feels real and relatable. He’s not afraid to admit where he’s messed up, and he encourages us to do the same. Apologize when you make mistakes. Show your kids what growth looks like, because let’s be honest—we’re all still children ourselves in some way.
Honestly, Jon has written what feels like the textbook for parenting. This is the kind of book that should given to every parent leaving the hospital with their newborn. It’s not a quick fix—it’s a long game. If you’re serious about raising emotionally-resilient, self-aware kids who know they can count on you, this book is worth every page.
Your kids will thank you someday.
What makes this book so refreshing is Jon himself. He’s not some researcher in a lab or a perfect parent handing down advice from a pedestal. He’s a real parent who wanted to do better. His honesty about his mistakes and journey makes this book hit so hard. And while it’s packed with science and research, it’s not a lecture. It’s like sitting down with a friend who’s done the homework and genuinely wants to share what works.
Jon does something I didn’t expect. He explains not only how to parent better, but why we parent the way we do. You don’t expect a parenting book to hold up a mirror and make you think about your own childhood. But it does. You'll discover why you react the way you do when your kid won’t listen. It’s part self-reflection, part science, and part guidebook—and it all makes sense.
One of the key takeaways for me was realizing how young my kids still are, even though they seem so grown up. A four-year-old is much closer to an infant than a mature adult. Even though they’re walking, talking, and asking a million questions. Jon reminds us to parent with that perspective. "Don’t stop them from falling; be the parent who picks them up and helps them grow."
The WHOLE Parent Method Jon introduces isn’t about punishment or control. It’s about building trust, teaching empathy. The result is raising kids who’ll grow up to share their successes and their struggles with you. The goal isn’t only easier days. It’s preparing your kids to thrive in the real world with the emotional and social skills they’ll need to succeed.
This isn’t only a book to help you feel more in control as a parent. It’s for those who want to grow as people, too. Jon writes from the perspective of a millennial parent and shares his struggles and victories in a way that feels real and relatable. He’s not afraid to admit where he’s messed up, and he encourages us to do the same. Apologize when you make mistakes. Show your kids what growth looks like, because let’s be honest—we’re all still children ourselves in some way.
Honestly, Jon has written what feels like the textbook for parenting. This is the kind of book that should given to every parent leaving the hospital with their newborn. It’s not a quick fix—it’s a long game. If you’re serious about raising emotionally-resilient, self-aware kids who know they can count on you, this book is worth every page.
Your kids will thank you someday.
January 28, 2025
I probably should wait to review until I'm done with the book but it's already helped make bedtime sooo much better (even though that's not the main point of the book) and helps my husband & I work through our almost 4 year old's tantrums soo much faster, to the point where we have nipped it in the bud at least a couple of times. He recommends that you get yourself calm and your child calm before addressing the issue. "Get curious, not furious" is literally the name of a chapter in the book. If that was it, great, but he gives you techniques to get there too. Because it's one thing to say that being calm during a meltdown will help (of course it will) and it's a totally different thing to give practical tips to stay calm while your child is screaming at you.
The main point is to have a happier, healthier relationship with your child. So that, in the short term, there are less tantrums & melt-downs as a toddler/preschooler; that after you've followed what he's saying enough and they are old enough that their brains can handle it (maybe elementary school? maybe pre-teen?) they are more likely to hold themselves accountable. It's something so that, if you start with this when your child is still a kid, by the time they are a teenager, they don't have that typical teenage attitude because you've already put in the work.
He has this WHOLE system (whole is an acronym) where you first you get yourself calm, then you get your kid calm, then you use empathy & honor the experience they are having, then express your boundary (i.e. you still need to go to bed, stop watching tv, clean up, whatever it is).
The tid-bits that have been really working for me so far is just that first part. If I can make sure I stay calm and remember what he says about me providing the emotional regulation for both of us then that helps calm her down. And if she & I aren't calm, she can't learn. And for that matter, people can't teach very well when we're livid with anger. Also, if you take a few deep breaths, it's similar to yawning, other people will start doing it too. Try it next time your child is so mad they can't think strait. Relax your body, take 3-5 deep breaths, and once you're calm, see if your child is. This is Jon's hack, not mine. For more, read the actual book.
Oh, and he also explains why this is true from a scientific perspective. For data-driven people like me, this is pretty important.
The main point is to have a happier, healthier relationship with your child. So that, in the short term, there are less tantrums & melt-downs as a toddler/preschooler; that after you've followed what he's saying enough and they are old enough that their brains can handle it (maybe elementary school? maybe pre-teen?) they are more likely to hold themselves accountable. It's something so that, if you start with this when your child is still a kid, by the time they are a teenager, they don't have that typical teenage attitude because you've already put in the work.
He has this WHOLE system (whole is an acronym) where you first you get yourself calm, then you get your kid calm, then you use empathy & honor the experience they are having, then express your boundary (i.e. you still need to go to bed, stop watching tv, clean up, whatever it is).
The tid-bits that have been really working for me so far is just that first part. If I can make sure I stay calm and remember what he says about me providing the emotional regulation for both of us then that helps calm her down. And if she & I aren't calm, she can't learn. And for that matter, people can't teach very well when we're livid with anger. Also, if you take a few deep breaths, it's similar to yawning, other people will start doing it too. Try it next time your child is so mad they can't think strait. Relax your body, take 3-5 deep breaths, and once you're calm, see if your child is. This is Jon's hack, not mine. For more, read the actual book.
Oh, and he also explains why this is true from a scientific perspective. For data-driven people like me, this is pretty important.
February 2, 2025
I have heard many attacks of gentle parenting and I have to start this review by saying this book in no way encourages rolling over and letting your children dominate and make all the rules.
He talks about four pillars - Curiosity as a parent, Modeling healthy behaviors, Consequences and Boundaries!
Fogle says that his book is a way to stop yelling at your children. But I think that this book is going to be equally and possibly even more important to the parents who are already not yelling, but needing steps to instill boundaries and consequences while not becoming the screaming tyrant their own parents were.
I’ve read at least 40 parenting books because one of my children is very different, and I work as a postpartum doula. I read a lot for my parents I work with, for myself, and a few for my certification as well. I walk into parenting books with triggers!
What I appreciate in this book is an absense of mockery. There are some audiobooks that sound very mocking when they express the parents point of view, concerns or fears and this book has none of that.
This book is research based and current! As in, some of these families were helped months ago, and none of them were helped with the information 47 years ago. It rings like Emily Oster style on some levels.
I also love that it’s not repetitive! I usually knock a star off when authors repeatedly shove the same stories/examples to reiterate their point over and over. I will fast forward when it feels as if the author just ran out of things to say but needed at least a certain number of pages. Fogle doesn’t waste any of my time or insult my intelligence.
I love the callout from Tina Payne Bryson that this is also written by a dad. I didn’t really notice it until she said it, but he is a minority in this genre and his voice is unique in that way.
I would/will highly recommend this book to any parent. It is hard to parent without losing your cool, but the tips and tricks in addition to the science behind WHY punishment isn’t effective can set anyone on the right track. It’s easier to remain cool if you know you’re banging your head against a brick wall.
It also asks us to analyze how we were raised and what of that we are carrying over to our children.
You could find yourself parenting yourself more than your children if you take it seriously.
He talks about four pillars - Curiosity as a parent, Modeling healthy behaviors, Consequences and Boundaries!
Fogle says that his book is a way to stop yelling at your children. But I think that this book is going to be equally and possibly even more important to the parents who are already not yelling, but needing steps to instill boundaries and consequences while not becoming the screaming tyrant their own parents were.
I’ve read at least 40 parenting books because one of my children is very different, and I work as a postpartum doula. I read a lot for my parents I work with, for myself, and a few for my certification as well. I walk into parenting books with triggers!
What I appreciate in this book is an absense of mockery. There are some audiobooks that sound very mocking when they express the parents point of view, concerns or fears and this book has none of that.
This book is research based and current! As in, some of these families were helped months ago, and none of them were helped with the information 47 years ago. It rings like Emily Oster style on some levels.
I also love that it’s not repetitive! I usually knock a star off when authors repeatedly shove the same stories/examples to reiterate their point over and over. I will fast forward when it feels as if the author just ran out of things to say but needed at least a certain number of pages. Fogle doesn’t waste any of my time or insult my intelligence.
I love the callout from Tina Payne Bryson that this is also written by a dad. I didn’t really notice it until she said it, but he is a minority in this genre and his voice is unique in that way.
I would/will highly recommend this book to any parent. It is hard to parent without losing your cool, but the tips and tricks in addition to the science behind WHY punishment isn’t effective can set anyone on the right track. It’s easier to remain cool if you know you’re banging your head against a brick wall.
It also asks us to analyze how we were raised and what of that we are carrying over to our children.
You could find yourself parenting yourself more than your children if you take it seriously.
January 25, 2025
Punishment-Free Parenting by Jon Fogel is a must read for any parent who wants to transform their parenting with a practical neuroscience, research-based method. I found this book to truly be empowering, in that I now have a reference to better understand how to connect with my child. I better understand why punishment is not the answer and that I can break the cycle and raise my children to have emotional intelligence and be able to believe in themselves through any struggle.
For a book based on brain science of raising kids, Mr. Fogel has an incredibly unique ability to break down the complex matter into a read that feels like you are having a conversation or watching one of his social media posts, it is compelling. The book is not long, and for someone with three littles that is very much appreciated.
The great thing is the book didn’t need to be long; I feel like all the information I needed was there. Mr. Fogel was able to always bring the focus and core of the book back to positive discipline and connection. I love that the book is full of easy to remember phrases that I am able to recall quickly and have already implemented in my parenting.
To tell the truth, I am excited to read the book again, which is the only time I have said that about a parenting book, but the Whole Parent Method is the way I want to raise my children. I want to really understand and implement the practical guide Mr. Fogel provides in this book. I sincerely appreciate all the time and research that went into writing this book. I have already seen the effects of it in my household and I am sure you will too after reading and implementing.
In the realm of being honest, I will say I did cry a few times, and it was worth it, I know I have a lot of work to do on myself to be the best parent I can be for my children, and I am so happy that now there is a written guide to help with that.
Overall, I highly recommend this book to all parents, no matter if your child is 2 or 30 years old. You will not be disappointed and you will find there is a neuroscience-based way to connect with children, without punishment, without yelling, but with a grounded response that will guide them into the future.
For a book based on brain science of raising kids, Mr. Fogel has an incredibly unique ability to break down the complex matter into a read that feels like you are having a conversation or watching one of his social media posts, it is compelling. The book is not long, and for someone with three littles that is very much appreciated.
The great thing is the book didn’t need to be long; I feel like all the information I needed was there. Mr. Fogel was able to always bring the focus and core of the book back to positive discipline and connection. I love that the book is full of easy to remember phrases that I am able to recall quickly and have already implemented in my parenting.
To tell the truth, I am excited to read the book again, which is the only time I have said that about a parenting book, but the Whole Parent Method is the way I want to raise my children. I want to really understand and implement the practical guide Mr. Fogel provides in this book. I sincerely appreciate all the time and research that went into writing this book. I have already seen the effects of it in my household and I am sure you will too after reading and implementing.
In the realm of being honest, I will say I did cry a few times, and it was worth it, I know I have a lot of work to do on myself to be the best parent I can be for my children, and I am so happy that now there is a written guide to help with that.
Overall, I highly recommend this book to all parents, no matter if your child is 2 or 30 years old. You will not be disappointed and you will find there is a neuroscience-based way to connect with children, without punishment, without yelling, but with a grounded response that will guide them into the future.
February 11, 2025
"Punishment-Free Parenting" provides an outline for the WHOLE parenting method for punishment-free parenting, while also providing education on the shortfalls of punishment and authoritarian parenting combined with the author's personal stories. As a child/adolescent therapist, I really appreciated several aspects of this book, especially the inclusion of the background information of the drawbacks to punishment/authoritarian-led parenting styles, which are described in easy-to-understand language for those who may not have a background in psychology or mental health - this a book I could recommend to parents of my clients. Another one of my favorite aspects, coming from my therapist brain, is the focus of "Embracing Feelings", about mid-way through the book before Jon begins describe the WHOLE model for parenting. Again, as a child/adolescent therapist, there is such clear evidence of the value in children learning emotional intelligence, and this begins with their parents modeling this emotional intelligence; a parent cannot do this if they themselves have not embraced their own feelings! Once again, this is a common treatment goal that I see in my office, and I really appreciated its inclusion in Jon's guide. Similarly, I loved that Jon includes a focus on ensuring that the parent/caregiver remembers to repair their relationship with the child after a difficult moment where feelings may be hurt. Finally, the 5-step parenting method, based on the acronym "WHOLE": Wiring, Honor (the experience), Outline (the boundary), Lead (them out), and Empower (for the future). Of course, Jon then goes into detail for each of these 5 steps to explain how and why it is important to focus on each of these 5 steps when you are guiding a child through emotional dysregulation. Jon's system is a tool for fostering emotional intelligence and emotion regulation. Thank you to Netgalley who provided a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review!
June 24, 2025
"Punishment-Free Parenting" is a transformative and practical guide for parents seeking a compassionate, research-based approach to raising children. The book shifts away from punitive and authoritarian methods, instead focusing on connection, emotional intelligence, and collaborative communication.
Example: "The four most central parenting pillars we all need to be successful. Those pillars are Curiosity, Modeling, Consequences, and Boundaries."
He reminds parents not to get furious. Instead, get curious. Why is your child "acting up"?
- Insightful and Accessible: I appreciate the author’s non-condescending, supportive tone and the practical, real-life examples tailored to different stages of childhood.
- WHOLE Parenting Method: The book introduces a 5-step framework (Wiring, Honor, Outline, Lead, Empower) to help parents guide children through emotional challenges without punishment.
- Focus on Emotional Intelligence: There’s a strong emphasis on parents modeling emotional awareness and repairing relationships after conflicts, which reviewers found particularly valuable.
- Research-Based: The book draws on neuroscience and references leading experts, making complex concepts accessible to readers without a background in psychology.
- Not Religious: Although the author is a pastor, the book is secular and inclusive, making it suitable for all parents, regardless of their faith.
- Actionable and Encouraging: The advice is easy to implement, empowering, and confidence-boosting for parents.
CONCLUSION
I recommend "Punishment-Free Parenting" as a must-read for parents and professionals. It’s a game-changer that offers a compassionate, science-backed alternative to traditional discipline, enabling parents to foster stronger, healthier relationships with their children.
Example: "The four most central parenting pillars we all need to be successful. Those pillars are Curiosity, Modeling, Consequences, and Boundaries."
He reminds parents not to get furious. Instead, get curious. Why is your child "acting up"?
- Insightful and Accessible: I appreciate the author’s non-condescending, supportive tone and the practical, real-life examples tailored to different stages of childhood.
- WHOLE Parenting Method: The book introduces a 5-step framework (Wiring, Honor, Outline, Lead, Empower) to help parents guide children through emotional challenges without punishment.
- Focus on Emotional Intelligence: There’s a strong emphasis on parents modeling emotional awareness and repairing relationships after conflicts, which reviewers found particularly valuable.
- Research-Based: The book draws on neuroscience and references leading experts, making complex concepts accessible to readers without a background in psychology.
- Not Religious: Although the author is a pastor, the book is secular and inclusive, making it suitable for all parents, regardless of their faith.
- Actionable and Encouraging: The advice is easy to implement, empowering, and confidence-boosting for parents.
CONCLUSION
I recommend "Punishment-Free Parenting" as a must-read for parents and professionals. It’s a game-changer that offers a compassionate, science-backed alternative to traditional discipline, enabling parents to foster stronger, healthier relationships with their children.
December 19, 2025
Punishment-Free Parenting is a compassionate, practical, and deeply encouraging guide for parents who are searching for a better way to raise their children, one rooted in connection rather than control. Jon Fogel writes with warmth, humility, and clarity, meeting parents where they are without judgment and offering realistic tools they can actually use in daily life.
What makes this book stand out is its strong foundation in brain science and child development, presented in a way that feels approachable rather than overwhelming. Fogel explains why traditional methods like yelling, threats, and punishment often fail, and then clearly shows what to do instead. His step-by-step guidance helps parents recognize their own emotional triggers, regulate their responses, and better understand what is happening inside a child’s developing brain during moments of conflict.
The tone of the book is one of partnership and hope. Through relatable stories, real-life examples, and evidence-based insights from psychology, neurology, and pediatric research, Fogel empowers parents to move from reactive discipline to calm, intentional leadership. The result is not permissiveness, but a collaborative relationship that nurtures emotional intelligence, resilience, and long-term well-being in children.
The foreword by Tina Payne Bryson adds further credibility and reinforces the book’s alignment with respected, modern parenting approaches. Whether you are a new parent or someone trying to unlearn old patterns, Punishment-Free Parenting offers reassurance that change is possible.
This book is an invaluable resource for parents who want a calmer home, healthier relationships, and children who feel understood and supported. It is practical, research-backed, and genuinely life-giving for families striving to do better, together.
What makes this book stand out is its strong foundation in brain science and child development, presented in a way that feels approachable rather than overwhelming. Fogel explains why traditional methods like yelling, threats, and punishment often fail, and then clearly shows what to do instead. His step-by-step guidance helps parents recognize their own emotional triggers, regulate their responses, and better understand what is happening inside a child’s developing brain during moments of conflict.
The tone of the book is one of partnership and hope. Through relatable stories, real-life examples, and evidence-based insights from psychology, neurology, and pediatric research, Fogel empowers parents to move from reactive discipline to calm, intentional leadership. The result is not permissiveness, but a collaborative relationship that nurtures emotional intelligence, resilience, and long-term well-being in children.
The foreword by Tina Payne Bryson adds further credibility and reinforces the book’s alignment with respected, modern parenting approaches. Whether you are a new parent or someone trying to unlearn old patterns, Punishment-Free Parenting offers reassurance that change is possible.
This book is an invaluable resource for parents who want a calmer home, healthier relationships, and children who feel understood and supported. It is practical, research-backed, and genuinely life-giving for families striving to do better, together.
January 24, 2025
*Punishment-Free Parenting* by Jon Fogal is a must-read for any parent looking for practical, no-nonsense advice. As a mom of four kids (ages 8 to 2.5), I found tons of useful tips for all of them. Honestly, this book had so many “aha” moments that I started taking notes and ended up sharing them with my husband so we could both benefit from the knowledge bombs in this book.
One thing I really loved is that it's not a long read—thank goodness! As any busy parent knows, finding time to read with kids around is tough, so the short chapters made it easy to fit in a few pages whenever I had a minute.
The best part? The book is full of simple, easy-to-remember phrases that stuck with me. I found myself using them in the heat of the moment, like when I'm trying to stay calm with a toddler tantrum or handle sibling squabbles. It really helped me stay grounded.
What I also appreciate is that Fogal’s advice is backed by research. He references a lot of studies and other books throughout, so you know it’s not just opinion-based but rooted in solid, proven strategies. It gives me confidence that these methods really work, not just in theory, but in real-life parenting.
Fogal’s approach is all about positive discipline, not punishment. It’s a refreshing reminder that we don’t need to yell or punish to be effective parents. His tips are practical and can be used right away, which is a huge win for me!
Overall, I highly recommend *Punishment-Free Parenting*. Whether you’ve got toddlers or older kids, it’s full of easy-to-apply strategies that will make parenting a little bit easier and a lot more intentional.
One thing I really loved is that it's not a long read—thank goodness! As any busy parent knows, finding time to read with kids around is tough, so the short chapters made it easy to fit in a few pages whenever I had a minute.
The best part? The book is full of simple, easy-to-remember phrases that stuck with me. I found myself using them in the heat of the moment, like when I'm trying to stay calm with a toddler tantrum or handle sibling squabbles. It really helped me stay grounded.
What I also appreciate is that Fogal’s advice is backed by research. He references a lot of studies and other books throughout, so you know it’s not just opinion-based but rooted in solid, proven strategies. It gives me confidence that these methods really work, not just in theory, but in real-life parenting.
Fogal’s approach is all about positive discipline, not punishment. It’s a refreshing reminder that we don’t need to yell or punish to be effective parents. His tips are practical and can be used right away, which is a huge win for me!
Overall, I highly recommend *Punishment-Free Parenting*. Whether you’ve got toddlers or older kids, it’s full of easy-to-apply strategies that will make parenting a little bit easier and a lot more intentional.
February 21, 2025
Fogel’s writing style is conversational, empathetic, and very non-judgmental while still being extremely science-backed, research centered, and practical. He is a master at synthesizing and distilling the core of the many articles, books and and lectures he has absorbed, and his own writing and instagram videos are a true gift to those of us in the throes of parenting who do not have the bandwidth to do the deep dive into the research, but greatly desire and value it nonetheless.
On a practical note, this book is a great resource to share with someone who is skeptical of “gentle” or “conscious” parenting but who is open minded enough to read at least one book. It’s relatively short, covers all the major concerns and arguments while still being somewhat kind and generous to people who were raised or did raising in a punishment-based way and don’t yet understand why anyone would do it differently.
As an exhausted pregnant mom of a toddler, reading has recently put me to sleep in a matter of paragraphs, however, as soon as I started Fogel’s book, I couldn’t put it down. My first sitting with it, I made it to page 60, just thinking “yes! Exactly! Oh what a great way to explain that!” It was like every snippet, social media video or post, podcast, course, lecture, article, or book I’ve read that discusses child psychology was compiled together and explained simply, brilliantly, and with great insight and cohesion.
Thank you, Jon, for this helpful addition to the mountain of parenting learning available to us. You’re where I will direct anyone with questions first!
On a practical note, this book is a great resource to share with someone who is skeptical of “gentle” or “conscious” parenting but who is open minded enough to read at least one book. It’s relatively short, covers all the major concerns and arguments while still being somewhat kind and generous to people who were raised or did raising in a punishment-based way and don’t yet understand why anyone would do it differently.
As an exhausted pregnant mom of a toddler, reading has recently put me to sleep in a matter of paragraphs, however, as soon as I started Fogel’s book, I couldn’t put it down. My first sitting with it, I made it to page 60, just thinking “yes! Exactly! Oh what a great way to explain that!” It was like every snippet, social media video or post, podcast, course, lecture, article, or book I’ve read that discusses child psychology was compiled together and explained simply, brilliantly, and with great insight and cohesion.
Thank you, Jon, for this helpful addition to the mountain of parenting learning available to us. You’re where I will direct anyone with questions first!
January 17, 2026
Wow! loved it!
I read this because I'm a nanny and want to better care for the kids I watch and also teach the parents. I was surprised to find that the advice still applies to my relationship with my adult children.
I started out as a parent who spanked their kids. When I had my 4th & final daughter (my oldest was 7), I actually felt despair at continuing the way I was parenting. I just knew there had to be a better way. I took a few parenting classes over the years and read a few books. I most resonated with Love & Logic, which I adopted immediately. It was the best I had at the time, and I continued to improve, but I felt there was something I was missing. This book filled in that missing piece, now that my youngest is 21. lol
It's the communication & trying to connect with your child emotionally that I was missing. I've always tried communicating, and I've told my girls communication is key to every relationship, but I always ignored the emotional aspect. In the last 5 or 6 years, I've been forced by life to consider emotion and grow my emotional intelligence, but it's a huge deviation from how I was taught, as a child, to ignore my emotions because they didn't matter. This book is all about an emotional connection with your child. I wish I'd had this book 10 or 20 yrs ago.
Now I have to share this with my husband so he can foster a better relationship with our girls, and I'm passing on the book to my girls who will one day be mothers.
I read this because I'm a nanny and want to better care for the kids I watch and also teach the parents. I was surprised to find that the advice still applies to my relationship with my adult children.
I started out as a parent who spanked their kids. When I had my 4th & final daughter (my oldest was 7), I actually felt despair at continuing the way I was parenting. I just knew there had to be a better way. I took a few parenting classes over the years and read a few books. I most resonated with Love & Logic, which I adopted immediately. It was the best I had at the time, and I continued to improve, but I felt there was something I was missing. This book filled in that missing piece, now that my youngest is 21. lol
It's the communication & trying to connect with your child emotionally that I was missing. I've always tried communicating, and I've told my girls communication is key to every relationship, but I always ignored the emotional aspect. In the last 5 or 6 years, I've been forced by life to consider emotion and grow my emotional intelligence, but it's a huge deviation from how I was taught, as a child, to ignore my emotions because they didn't matter. This book is all about an emotional connection with your child. I wish I'd had this book 10 or 20 yrs ago.
Now I have to share this with my husband so he can foster a better relationship with our girls, and I'm passing on the book to my girls who will one day be mothers.
March 5, 2025
A modern, relatable parenting book that is science-backed? Sign me up. I've followed Jon for years now on social media and was even part of the Whole Parent mentorship program for a time, so I was very excited when he announced he was writing a book. With elements that align with the parenting classic How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, Jon's book stands squarely on the shoulders of parenting giants Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, as the book draws a great deal of inspiration from The Whole-Brain Child. While I wouldn't say Jon's book is a substitute for those reads, I also wouldn't say those books are required reading before picking up Punishment-Free Parenting, as the book does well to stand alone and apart. With real, honest anecdotes from his own life, and practical strategies that can be immediately implemented, Punishment-Free Parenting manages to be down-to-earth and judgement-free. I listened to the audiobook version, read by the author, and Jon reads it very well. I will be buying a physical copy as well, though, so that I can quickly reference back when I need reminders of the Whole Parent method.
January 24, 2025
This book will always be an important one in my parenting toolbox. Jon has done a brilliant job of giving us steps on how to become better parents. I truly appreciate that he doesn't give you "quick tips" or an "easy way". He acknowledges that it is hard work to learn about yourself and why you are inclined to parent in a certain way before making the necessary changes to parent in the more conscious, helpful way. I hope this book reaches the masses. To create positive change in this world, we need to consciously parent the next generation. Defaulting to the ways our parents did it is doing a disservice to our children and ourselves.
I think many parents will have a hard time thinking about parenting without punishment. While you are parenting without punishment, it is suggested that you still parent with consequences. The consequences are thoughtful, work with your child's brain and have the most impact on their behavior and well-being long term. After being exposed to this thought process, I do not believe there is any other way to parent.
I think many parents will have a hard time thinking about parenting without punishment. While you are parenting without punishment, it is suggested that you still parent with consequences. The consequences are thoughtful, work with your child's brain and have the most impact on their behavior and well-being long term. After being exposed to this thought process, I do not believe there is any other way to parent.
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