What do you think?
Rate this book
Getting to 30: A Parent's Guide to the 20-Something Years
It's the parenting guide for parents who thought they no longer needed one-for parents who worry as their 20-something kids struggle to grow up; who are saving for retirement but now have to reopen the bank of Mom and Dad; who look forward to downsizing but have a boomerang child living at home again.
And it's the parenting guide that says it's all going to be OK-just step back but stay connected, and don't forget to take care of yourself. Kids may be taking longer to graduate from college, start a career, marry, have children, but it's natural. Just as scientists a century ago discovered a new phase in life called adolescence, there's now another developmental stage, emerging adulthood. According to Dr. Jeffrey Arnett, the world's leading authority on emerging adults, and his coauthor, Elizabeth Fishel, author of Sisters and mother of two 20-something sons, the time spent in emerging adulthood actually helps kids become happier, healthier grown-ups.
When Will My Grown-Up Kid Grow Up? covers every aspect of life for an 18- to 29-year-old, from that first taste of independence at college to that time at the end of the 20s, when the majority of kids are settling down. It explains what grown children are going through-intense self-focus, instability, a feeling of being "in-between" mixed with a breathtaking sense of possibilities-and how parents should deal with these changes, from six ways to listen more than you talk, to money 101 (and why never to use money to control your child's life), to troubleshooting their failure to launch, to, finally, the dos and don'ts of promoting a successful transition to adulthood.
Because yes, they really will grow up.
And it's the parenting guide that says it's all going to be OK-just step back but stay connected, and don't forget to take care of yourself. Kids may be taking longer to graduate from college, start a career, marry, have children, but it's natural. Just as scientists a century ago discovered a new phase in life called adolescence, there's now another developmental stage, emerging adulthood. According to Dr. Jeffrey Arnett, the world's leading authority on emerging adults, and his coauthor, Elizabeth Fishel, author of Sisters and mother of two 20-something sons, the time spent in emerging adulthood actually helps kids become happier, healthier grown-ups.
When Will My Grown-Up Kid Grow Up? covers every aspect of life for an 18- to 29-year-old, from that first taste of independence at college to that time at the end of the 20s, when the majority of kids are settling down. It explains what grown children are going through-intense self-focus, instability, a feeling of being "in-between" mixed with a breathtaking sense of possibilities-and how parents should deal with these changes, from six ways to listen more than you talk, to money 101 (and why never to use money to control your child's life), to troubleshooting their failure to launch, to, finally, the dos and don'ts of promoting a successful transition to adulthood.
Because yes, they really will grow up.
321 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 7, 2013
63 people are currently reading
359 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
November 26, 2022
This book had a lot of interesting statistics about people's lives from the ages of 20 to 30, but it was written pre-pandemic, and I think there have been some huge shifts in behavior as a result. However, there were definitely trends that have held, and it was interesting to hear observations about those issues i.e. delayed marriage, job hopping, lack of interest in child rearing, etc.. So as a sociological treatise, I liked the book. As a parenting book, it was just meh. I don't feel like it gave me any ideas on how to be a better parent to my now adult sons nor was it filled with tremendous insights on helping your child if they were struggling. Fine, but I wouldn't really recommend.
June 14, 2013
I was expecting a whole lot more from a book that compared itself to "What to Expect in the First Year". Sure it's nice to hear that these years are a time of flux and exploration and most people become more stable between 18 and 29, but I kindof already knew that. I was looking for tips to help the kids get to that more stable point and ways to keep my self sane while they get there. There was an interesting break-out of phases of "emerging adulthood" which would have been a great magazine article, not an entire book. "What to Expect..." covered a variety of health, developmental, and social issues - with lots of random facts, advice, and resources for red flags. The variety and depth and resources are missing from this book, which is basically a feel-good book for helicopter parents having trouble letting go of their dreams for their child. There was one chapter - ONE - dedicated to "when things go wrong" which covered mental health, eating disorders, substance abuse, etc. The portion on alcoholism for example: about 2 pages and 6 paragraphs: 1) lots of kids drink, problem drinking vs alchoholism, statistics from one source survey, 2) an example of loving parents trying to cope, 3) genetics (or this could be grandpa's fault), 4) hypocritical parent behavior, 5) talking to your kid about the perils of drunk driving, and finally 6) if your kid is a chronic alcoholic, maybe the solution is to let him live with you until he finds regular work or gets help. Appears the authors have zero life experience with "when things go wrong" and so just gloss over it. So who was the real audience for this book? Helicopter parents with great kids who aren't following their original plan, or more likely, their parent's plan? For them the basic mantra of "this is a time of flux and things will stabilize later, so try to give them space but support when they need it" is probably fine. When someone finally publishes the real equivalent of "What to Expect" for the emerging adult years, I sure hope it covers REAL things like -HEPA laws once your kid is over 18; reevaluating/establishing "house rules" with adult kids living at home; how to help adult children with a physical or mental health conditions (with resources and tips); more amplified info on subtance abuse stats, consequences; more info on brain development during these years; etc. I have kids and I have friends with kids in this age group. We are dealing with everything from an athlete diagnosed with MS at 19, to a son who is choosing to live on the streets and "travel around", to kids who are such high achievers that we are worried about stress and lack of sleep. None of these were discussed. Sure I have plenty of friends who are "in an adjustment phase" and yes, it's nice to know that's normal. But I didn't need a book for that. I was looking to a book for tips, stats, references, resources, coping strategies, ideas.
September 27, 2014
I won this book from Goodreads.
I picked up that the author’s have a different world view than I do and that colored most of my further reading.
Will this book really help parents guide their kids? I’m not so sure. It may help them better understand that young adults are facing different challenges then they did. That can’t be bad, but there didn’t seem to be enough for parents who are really looking for help. That must be a different book.
I picked up that the author’s have a different world view than I do and that colored most of my further reading.
Will this book really help parents guide their kids? I’m not so sure. It may help them better understand that young adults are facing different challenges then they did. That can’t be bad, but there didn’t seem to be enough for parents who are really looking for help. That must be a different book.
June 23, 2013
Disappointing. Could have used a lot more brain science. Seemed like mostly helicopter parents talking about how difficult it is to see their child struggling to get started as an adult.
Not what I was hoping for.
Not what I was hoping for.
June 30, 2013
I didn't like the way the information was presented. To drawn out and not enough specifics.
September 11, 2013
Reassured me to know that this is the new normal. My favorite line from the book, "If today's 20-somethings are likely to live to be at least 80 or 90 years old, why rush into adulthood at 18, 22 or even 25?" But if you are looking for advice, you won't find it here. This is not a self-help book.
October 2, 2014
If you never want to speak to your kids again, buy this book. This book has caused more fights, tears and complications between my daughter and I then we had the first twenty years of her life. Example: Don't call your child let them call you first. My daughter is 200 miles away and before this book we talked like she was still at home. then came this book, OMG as the kids would say, "mom, why don't you call me, have I done something wrong?" "Why don't you ever talk about ( the boyfriend,0 don't you like him anymore?" Can I come home for the weekend?WHAT???????? Maybe we misread parts of this book but my daughter and I both read it. My husband wish we had never seen it and now it is time to say goodbye as my daughter sends me a picture of what she is wearing everyday. Calls me when she is leaving for a small trip and calls me when she arrives home. And texts to say "Goodnight Ma-Ma, I love you. Last time I'll try parenting from a book.
July 19, 2013
Just skimmed this one. Not much useful advice.
April 18, 2025
This book has not aged well. I was shocked that it was published in 2013. It frequently reads like it written in a far away past decade, using antiquated language such as describing sadness as “glum”. It becomes apparent quickly it was written by Boomers for Boomers < > Millennials families instead of the current Gen X < > Gen Z, at a time when young people still used email and Facebook. That time has come and gone.
The technology section is laughable, stating that parents are clueless about technology, which is ridiculous in 2025. Gen X are far from clueless about technology. There’s even a tutorial for parents about how to text. It reads like it was published 20 years ago instead of 11. As the authors simultaneously talk about current technology and speculate about unknown future technology, they are oblivious to the fact that just by naming social media apps, the book will be obsolete in 10 years. They even trotted out tired euphemisms about everyone having chips implanted in their heads in the future.
Then there’s the lack of references to explain frequent generalizations. The authors use the word “most” constantly in the first few chapters without anything to back up statements about “most” young adults or “most” parents. Many of the “most” statements are flat out wrong, such as stating that most 26 to 29-year-olds are married or cohabitating. Far from it. In 2021, only 23% of men and 32% of women were cohabitating, and it was even fewer when this book was published in 2013.
Lots of privileged assumptions, such as assuming parents paid for college, have a house for their kids to move back in to in needed, can afford to finance their 20-something kids’ lives, and travel a lot after their kids are out of the house.
If you’re single, prepare to skim over the frequent references to how your marriage will be affected by your emerging adult leaving home or returning.
It was written from the perspective of a Boomer who remembers people getting married at 22. Gen X parents understand their child probably won’t get their dream job, get married, and most of the other things used to expect of age 21.
This book was really written as a generalized summary of what it’s like to have offspring in their 20s. It’s not going to help you with any issues you’re having. Even the last section titled When Things Go Wrong basically says, “get a therapist”. There are no steps here to take to solve real problems.
When you finish this you’ll have the sensation that you just interviewed a kindly retired psychologist for a magazine article who specialized in young adults decades ago. No pesky data or in-depth information about the tough things, just breezy we’re-all-in this-together feelings about what parenting young adults was like, before everyone from toddlers to seniors began using technology for just about everything on a daily basis, the world survived a global pandemic, & the proliferation of AI. This book was written by and for Boomers. The world has changed too much for this book to be relevant in too many ways.
The technology section is laughable, stating that parents are clueless about technology, which is ridiculous in 2025. Gen X are far from clueless about technology. There’s even a tutorial for parents about how to text. It reads like it was published 20 years ago instead of 11. As the authors simultaneously talk about current technology and speculate about unknown future technology, they are oblivious to the fact that just by naming social media apps, the book will be obsolete in 10 years. They even trotted out tired euphemisms about everyone having chips implanted in their heads in the future.
Then there’s the lack of references to explain frequent generalizations. The authors use the word “most” constantly in the first few chapters without anything to back up statements about “most” young adults or “most” parents. Many of the “most” statements are flat out wrong, such as stating that most 26 to 29-year-olds are married or cohabitating. Far from it. In 2021, only 23% of men and 32% of women were cohabitating, and it was even fewer when this book was published in 2013.
Lots of privileged assumptions, such as assuming parents paid for college, have a house for their kids to move back in to in needed, can afford to finance their 20-something kids’ lives, and travel a lot after their kids are out of the house.
If you’re single, prepare to skim over the frequent references to how your marriage will be affected by your emerging adult leaving home or returning.
It was written from the perspective of a Boomer who remembers people getting married at 22. Gen X parents understand their child probably won’t get their dream job, get married, and most of the other things used to expect of age 21.
This book was really written as a generalized summary of what it’s like to have offspring in their 20s. It’s not going to help you with any issues you’re having. Even the last section titled When Things Go Wrong basically says, “get a therapist”. There are no steps here to take to solve real problems.
When you finish this you’ll have the sensation that you just interviewed a kindly retired psychologist for a magazine article who specialized in young adults decades ago. No pesky data or in-depth information about the tough things, just breezy we’re-all-in this-together feelings about what parenting young adults was like, before everyone from toddlers to seniors began using technology for just about everything on a daily basis, the world survived a global pandemic, & the proliferation of AI. This book was written by and for Boomers. The world has changed too much for this book to be relevant in too many ways.
July 10, 2022
The book gave me interesting perspective on my sons, ages 22 and 28. I could recognize many things the authors were saying in what my sons have told me. But there are also many differences, which is to be expected, since everyone is different. The only aspect I disagreed with was the underlying premise of the authors that a college education is the ONLY way to stability, security, and success. Their snobbery against anything other than 4-year college, while not overt, was enough to keep me from enthusiastically recommending this book. But I would recommend it with the proviso that there are more ways to success than a 4-year college degree.
August 16, 2019
I thought the book had a great approach to guiding you through the transition from children to adults. There were great tips on what the young adults were going through and strategies for how to support. At the same time, I was pleasantly surprised to see tips on the transition for parents to their own next phase of life. While it was a bit longer than I thought it needed to be, it was a good read.
November 13, 2018
Nothing earth-shattering here, but it's interesting to consider that our 20-something son and his 50-something parents are in similar places, all trying to figure out what we want to do with the rest of our lives. What are the obstacles? The opportunities? After 20-odd years of not really needing to think about the big picture, it's exciting and overwhelming for everyone concerned.
February 1, 2024
good book
It covers a lot of ground. Most we know but need to review it put into practice to navigate life with our adult children. Things have changed and it a different world for them but some of the same principles still apply,we parents just have to approach it differently and this book helps.
It covers a lot of ground. Most we know but need to review it put into practice to navigate life with our adult children. Things have changed and it a different world for them but some of the same principles still apply,we parents just have to approach it differently and this book helps.
January 4, 2023
Important read for parents of teens and adult children born 1990's or later. Helped me understand our kids better and the boomerang effects t-shirt pros and cons which I must say was pretty right on from my now hindsight.
January 6, 2024
Meh. A few interesting snippets but not the depth I was hoping for.
August 25, 2023
This book covers a lot of ground and does it very basically and with general advice. It’s good if you have never given any thought to how to parent your late teens into 20’s child. Very easy to read with lots of stories. If you need advice on how to manage complex problems- this isn’t that- which I kind of hoped it would be. I skimmed it very quickly. It could be much shorter. Like each chapter could be a blog post and you’d get the gist of the advice. The data is old, and pre pandemic. Definitely needs an update on that front. I wonder what has changed.
June 30, 2020
As 20 something years old woman, I found this really broaden my view about how the life would be look like when I reach 40-60.
July 22, 2013
An above-average, upbeat book by a male-female writing team, Jeffrey Arnett and Elizabeth Fishel. Elizabeth Fishel has kids in their twenties, Jeffrey Arnett has thirteen-year-old twins and has studied emerging adults (aged approximately 18-29). The authors describe the growing trend toward prolonging young adulthood and leaving home -- more young people in their late teens and early twenties living at home and being financially dependent on parents, taking longer to finish college, working more part-time and temporary jobs, and waiting later to marry and have children. They point out that in many cultures and among working-class, minority, and immigrant parents, the majority of young people have always lived at home until marriage. They divide "emerging adulthood" into three stages: launching, exploring, and landing. It "ends" when young people become financially independent, make decisions independently, and take responsibility for themselves in all areas of life.
The trend toward extended young adulthood has multiple causes -- smaller families and larger homes (more than twice as large as a few years ago), combined with less authoritarian styles of parenting, make living with parents a more appealing option than it used to be. Also, career-level jobs require more training and affordable housing is scarce in many areas. Also, the average ages at marriage and for first-time childbearing are at record highs. The majority of teenage marriages will not last, and many young divoced people become dependent on their parents again. Childbearing outside of marriage is no longer considered a social disgrace and for many young women, childbearing has been uncoupled from marriage, a trend fueled by changing roles and opportunities for women and high divorce rates in the parents' generation.
Parents are urged to be patient, to set time limits, get help, and set boundaries when necessary, and to enjoy the positive aspects of being with their adult children. Recommended.
The trend toward extended young adulthood has multiple causes -- smaller families and larger homes (more than twice as large as a few years ago), combined with less authoritarian styles of parenting, make living with parents a more appealing option than it used to be. Also, career-level jobs require more training and affordable housing is scarce in many areas. Also, the average ages at marriage and for first-time childbearing are at record highs. The majority of teenage marriages will not last, and many young divoced people become dependent on their parents again. Childbearing outside of marriage is no longer considered a social disgrace and for many young women, childbearing has been uncoupled from marriage, a trend fueled by changing roles and opportunities for women and high divorce rates in the parents' generation.
Parents are urged to be patient, to set time limits, get help, and set boundaries when necessary, and to enjoy the positive aspects of being with their adult children. Recommended.
August 31, 2013
I have watched with some dismay my 20-something kid and his friends as they seem to be way behind schedule from where I was at their age in getting their footing as adults. This book sheds a great deal of light on how things are today.
Today there is a new stage of development between childhood and adulthood, emerging adult. In previous generations the transition to adulthood was marked by a few key events: completing education, leaving home, and getting married. Now emerging adults in their 20’s go through stages of launching, exploring, and landing. Reaching adulthood is a more gradual process of accepting responsibility for one’s self, making independent decisions, and becoming financially independent. Emerging adults rely on guidance and support from parents for a longer time. They may move back in with parents. Average marriage age is up today versus 1960: 20 to 27 for women and 22 to 29 for men. Parenthood for college-educated women is 30 and 31 or 32 for men. “It takes college grads 4 years to find a job they will keep for 5 years or more; for high school grads, finding that 5-years-or-more job takes 6 years.”
I only gave this book 2 stars because I thought it is longer than it needed to be. Something more succinct would be better.
Today there is a new stage of development between childhood and adulthood, emerging adult. In previous generations the transition to adulthood was marked by a few key events: completing education, leaving home, and getting married. Now emerging adults in their 20’s go through stages of launching, exploring, and landing. Reaching adulthood is a more gradual process of accepting responsibility for one’s self, making independent decisions, and becoming financially independent. Emerging adults rely on guidance and support from parents for a longer time. They may move back in with parents. Average marriage age is up today versus 1960: 20 to 27 for women and 22 to 29 for men. Parenthood for college-educated women is 30 and 31 or 32 for men. “It takes college grads 4 years to find a job they will keep for 5 years or more; for high school grads, finding that 5-years-or-more job takes 6 years.”
I only gave this book 2 stars because I thought it is longer than it needed to be. Something more succinct would be better.
May 27, 2013
I have two in the range of "grown-up" kid, called "emerging adults" by one of the co-authors, a university researcher with decades of experience. There have been a few hiccups raising them, different for each, and as my youngest just graduated college and with my eldest still trying to find full-time work I've wondered what other parents have faced and done, successfully or otherwise. I've also wondered what the reality is for today's kids, so many decades past my own launch.
This book has current stats which helped me understand what reasonable expectations are for this generation. I particularly appreciated that the authors resisted the unfortunate trend in pop research books to present long conversations which you know are amalgams of many shaped to sound real and make a desired point. Instead, believable quotes and short anecdotes which felt real are provided.
This very readable book didn't give me any earthshaking new information, but it was an intriguing, enjoyable and informative read which filled out my picture of what's facing today's "emerging adults." I recommend it.
This book has current stats which helped me understand what reasonable expectations are for this generation. I particularly appreciated that the authors resisted the unfortunate trend in pop research books to present long conversations which you know are amalgams of many shaped to sound real and make a desired point. Instead, believable quotes and short anecdotes which felt real are provided.
This very readable book didn't give me any earthshaking new information, but it was an intriguing, enjoyable and informative read which filled out my picture of what's facing today's "emerging adults." I recommend it.
August 16, 2014
I don't know why I spend time reading books like this. There wasn't any new information here, pretty common-sense and it also seemed somewhat kid-oriented. Some of the stories and Q and A were a bit trite and I thought perhaps made-up. I skipped a lot...
"One of the toughest but most necessary lessons of parenting emerging adults is accepting that they'll follow their own dreams, even if you don't share those dreams or have doubts they'll come to fruition...let them navigate around the unforeseen obstacles lying ahead. Yes, they might derail or change course. Or they just might pleasantly surprise you by reaching their goals." (50)
"One of the toughest but most necessary lessons of parenting emerging adults is accepting that they'll follow their own dreams, even if you don't share those dreams or have doubts they'll come to fruition...let them navigate around the unforeseen obstacles lying ahead. Yes, they might derail or change course. Or they just might pleasantly surprise you by reaching their goals." (50)
July 24, 2013
I thought this book gave some good insights into why and how the period from 18-29 years is different now than it was for my generation. I liked its messages about how to stay connected with your children who are in "emerging adulthood" at the same time you are stepping back from facilitating/managing their day-to-day lives. It's also reassuring to know that many other parents are negotiating this phase, and to see how they are handling it. Although I found the formatting of the quotations from parents and questions and answers to be distracting from the text, the questions and answers did help to crystalize my thinking about the topics that were raised.
August 1, 2014
I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
This is a guide for parents of 'emerging adults' - children who are between 18 and 30 years old, who have their unique issues as young men and women who are transitioning to become adults living independently from their parents. This generation's emerging adults are very different from generations past, and the authors do a good job of presenting the issues and solutions - from the perspective of both the parents and children. One of the authors, Arnett, directed the Clark University Poll of Parents of Emerging Adults, which consisted of interviews with 1,000 parents of 18- to 30-year-olds.
This is a guide for parents of 'emerging adults' - children who are between 18 and 30 years old, who have their unique issues as young men and women who are transitioning to become adults living independently from their parents. This generation's emerging adults are very different from generations past, and the authors do a good job of presenting the issues and solutions - from the perspective of both the parents and children. One of the authors, Arnett, directed the Clark University Poll of Parents of Emerging Adults, which consisted of interviews with 1,000 parents of 18- to 30-year-olds.
May 11, 2013
Honest advice delivered in an enjoyable read. A fine balance of stories, humor, seriousness and guidance. For those entering this stage of parenthood or those about to, even those well into this stage, this is a must read.
A free copy was provided through Goodreads First Reads. This has no influence on my honest review. Thank you.
A free copy was provided through Goodreads First Reads. This has no influence on my honest review. Thank you.
March 5, 2015
I'm not sure exactly what other reviewers were expecting but I found it a solid summary of my concerns and joys. Good practical ideas to think about without giving inflexible "rules" to follow with emerging adults. Great jumping off points for further discussion both with my spouse and my children.
March 13, 2015
The value of the book for me was the portrayal of parents & their relationships with their kids. No rocket science here; after I got through the first couple of chapters I skimmed the rest.
November 22, 2015
some helpful ideas; easy to skim what doesn't apply
May 13, 2013
Great book.
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews