This is a long review and has Spoilers. This was such a beautiful book that I wanted to take all the time to share why you should read this book!
❤️🔥 please read the author’s trigger warnings and content warnings.
this book was a beautiful portrait of a tortured mind and heart, and the journey he goes through to come up on the other side of the darkness he experiences. The MMC Jax, the King of Chaos, battles with his mental health . He is a successful boxer in the professional and underground arena. He is also in the Russian Mafia. His story is about the pain and grief he is riddled with after losing his best friend Kai.
Jax feels guilty for Kai's death, he feels responsible, because he was not able to save him. he believes it should have been him, as though Kai deserved to live, and he didn't.
"It hurst so fucking bad, Kai. I don't want to leave you here". My knees land in the soft mud, soaking through my pants. "See you on the other side, Kai. I hope i make you proud".
Jax is tortured by all the loses in his life, his mother for abandoning him, his father's death.... he channels his pain and sadness into his boxing
"It's been hard not to hold back in the fights. Channeling the pain and emptiness in my chest into every punch seems to help for a little while"
He is approached by a man who tells him he's his brother , Brody- they share a mother - and invites him to his wedding, hoping to build a relationship with him. Jax is skeptical, however at the last minute decides to go.
Sofia is Brody's fiancé and is anxious about their wedding. she feels Brody has been distant lately and he's been working late nights.....
At the reception, the best man drops a bomb - Brody has been sleeping with his fiancé, essentially, cheating on Sofia for the last several months.
Sofia is enraged and runs out of the reception, out the door and down the road.... just as Jax arrives on his motorcycle.
He is instantly taken by her beauty and is curious what her story is. he assumes correctly that this is his new sister-in-law but does not tell her.
They go back to his penthouse and have an explosive steamy night (and morning) together.
Jax is scheduled to leave for his new job in las Vegas the next day and Sofia will start a new life without her new husband.
2 years later.....
Sofia is a mother to an adorable 1-year old, Maeve, who has the cutest curly hair, and according to Sofia, looks just like her daddy - Jax.
Jax is working in Las Vegas of Mikhail, the leader of the Russian Mafia faction in Las Vegas. He works alongside his friends, Nikolai and Alexei.
Brody reappears in Jax's life, inviting him to his bachelor party - he's getting married again to a new woman.
Against Jax's better judgement he agrees to go.
Sofia moves to Las Vegas with her (very toxic) best friend, Anna and begins to work as a stripper to help make ends meet.
Jax cannot believe that he's finally reunited with Sofia hi s Trigrista.... he has not stopped thinking about her, hasn't been with another woman since her, and she's here. dancing for men dancing for Brody's bachelor party.
Jax and Sofia attempt a relationship, but Jax's self-doubt and self-deprecation makes him feel he's not worthy of her love and affections but he is committed to making this work.
"Everyone around me dies. what if I can't protect her? what if me being in her life ruins it, like it does for everyone else? i can't do that to her...."
Sofia doesn't tell Jax about his daughter as she isn't sure she can trust him with her heart, or trust that he won't abandon them because it's complicated.
Jax and Sofia's steamy, intense passion picks up where it left off - it's INTENSE. they devour each other. he's her good boy and she's his alter he worships.
Sofia realizes it's time to tell Jax about Maeve. He immediately falls in love with his baby girl, his Tigrenok but quickly spirals in his thoughts about how unworthy he is to be her father, how it's only a matter of time before he screws things up.
With the help of his grumpy friend, Nikolai, he steps up and shows up and becomes the loving father everyone else knew he'd be.
He falls deeply and madly in love with her and his daughter - his family.
"It's like without her, I can't breathe. She is the one who anchors me, gives me a reason to claw my way out of the dark. When i'm with her, the world is calm. It's like everything stops screaming inside my mind."
while all this is happening, Brody, a member and the son of the leader of the Reapers MC, has an agenda of his own. he wants to get rid of Jax while helping the Reapers take back Las Vegas.
In an attempt to really break Jax and Sofia, Brody sets it up so that Jax is drugged and wakes up the next morning in bed with a female stranger.
Jax is convinced he slept with her but cannot remember anything after taking the scotch from the waitress.
this destroys him and it destroys his relationship with Sofia.
"I love you, Sofia. You complete me in ways i never realized I was missing. You are everything. I live for you. I will die for you. You are, and always will be, the perfect in the midst of my chaos."
Jax's mental health spirals out of control. his depression takes him to very dark places, so dark that he convinces himself that everyone would be better off without him.
please heed the author's trigger warnings and content warnings.
Jax inner voice tells him he is a disgusting, unlovable, unworthy, awful person. that everything he touches turns to dirt.
"... I want to scream. I want this to stop. I need this to end. I can't control it anymore. It's festering inside me, growing and taking me over."
Luna Mason did an incredible job of shinning a light on men's mental health. With compassion and respect, she brought attention to the devastating reality that one man dies by suicide every 13.7 minutes in the US.
Social constructs have us believe that men need to be tough, brave, no weak. That men should not share their feelings, or cry. Boys are taught early that they need to "shake it off", "man up", be tough". it is no wonder then that many men report that it can be difficult for them to open up and show their emotions, to ask for help....
"I'm a man. I should be stronger than this. I shouldn't feel so weak all the time. I'm supposed to protect you and Maeve, not be like this. You shouldn't have to watch me crumble apart and put me back together. I'm weak and I don't know how to make it stop."
Sofia's heart is shattered and does not know how their relationship will survive him cheating, however she knows that she cannot survive without him. her love for him is greater than anything else, and matters more than anything.
"You are not weak, Jax. You are so incredibly brave. You've battled this for so long on your own. You put everyone else first before yourself. You're an amazing man. We can find the best way for you to heal, baby. There is a way through..."
There is a stigma around men's mental health that needs to change.
Sofia has a nagging feeling that something is not right about how Jax woke up the morning after his alleged cheating incident. she does some digging and is relieved to learn the truth.
together, they fight Jax demons and focus on their future and their little family.
Jax is living in the light, but is aware that the darkness can creep back and so he is committed to work through his struggles and make the changes to live life worth living.
"there isn't cure for a mind that works against you. there is no magic button to press to make the dark thoughts go away.... and in spite of everything , there is always beauty in chaos.