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The Mindful Marriage: Create Your Best Relationship Through Understanding and Managing Yourself
Backed by neuroscience and biblical principles, The Mindful Marriage uncovers a revolutionary new therapeutic model for couples who want to stop cycles of reactivity that harm their marriage, identify and manage their individual emotional triggers, and create safer, loving, and more deeply connected relationships.
Why does my spouse trigger my emotions so much? What can I do to manage my reactions that cause so much pain in our marriage?
Ron and Nan Deal have been there. Involved in Christian marriage and family ministry for over two decades, they taught and counseled couples about having a healthy marriage, yet privately their marriage was struggling. When they suffered the devastating loss of one of their children, their marriage was nearly shattered by their destructive cycles. At wits' end, they sought the help of pioneering therapists Dr. Terry Hargrave and Sharon Hargrave, LMFT, whose transformational Restoration Therapy has helped millions through the practice of emotional mindfulness. The Deals identified the patterns of coping that threatened their attachment, both individually and as a couple, and became less reactive, allowing them to move with intention from a Pain Cycle into a Peace Cycle. As they embraced this Scripture-based model, they became more skilled at responding with humility to each other, strengthening and forever changing their marriage.
Now the Deals and Hargraves introduce readers to this proven method—part science, part art—that challenges popular beliefs about how relationships work. In their winsome and vulnerable way, they show readers how to better understand themselves, especially in times of emotional distress, so that they may self-regulate and, in turn, strengthen their relationships. Christian readers will especially appreciate the balance of scientifically proven methods along with Scripturally sound teaching, resulting in more loving, faithful marital relationships.
Why does my spouse trigger my emotions so much? What can I do to manage my reactions that cause so much pain in our marriage?
Ron and Nan Deal have been there. Involved in Christian marriage and family ministry for over two decades, they taught and counseled couples about having a healthy marriage, yet privately their marriage was struggling. When they suffered the devastating loss of one of their children, their marriage was nearly shattered by their destructive cycles. At wits' end, they sought the help of pioneering therapists Dr. Terry Hargrave and Sharon Hargrave, LMFT, whose transformational Restoration Therapy has helped millions through the practice of emotional mindfulness. The Deals identified the patterns of coping that threatened their attachment, both individually and as a couple, and became less reactive, allowing them to move with intention from a Pain Cycle into a Peace Cycle. As they embraced this Scripture-based model, they became more skilled at responding with humility to each other, strengthening and forever changing their marriage.
Now the Deals and Hargraves introduce readers to this proven method—part science, part art—that challenges popular beliefs about how relationships work. In their winsome and vulnerable way, they show readers how to better understand themselves, especially in times of emotional distress, so that they may self-regulate and, in turn, strengthen their relationships. Christian readers will especially appreciate the balance of scientifically proven methods along with Scripturally sound teaching, resulting in more loving, faithful marital relationships.
232 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 7, 2025
101 people are currently reading
2219 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
January 8, 2025
I would highly recommend this book for anyone with a heartbeat! There are a lot of christian marriage books out there. I know, having been involved in a marriage and family ministry, I’ve read most of them! So how is this book different/better?
When we’re young and encounter various experiences, we start to believe things about God, ourselves, and others that may or may not be true. After years of believing those thoughts we automatically act as if they are true. This book looks at those beliefs and puts into words the pain cycle created from them. Once our pain cycle is set, we don’t even notice we do it anymore, causing pain to ourselves and those around us—which is the opposite of what most of us are trying to do.
While reading this book, my husband got laid off from his job. My pain cycle set in: fear of insecurity, doubts if God REALLY loves me and worry if it will all work out. I normally try to control an outcome by blaming or trying to control my husband (to alleviate my fears). But this book gives the tools to address what’s at the heart of the behavior and deal with that at its source. So instead of blaming or controlling my husband, I controlled my emotions by using the peace cycle learned in this book about telling myself the truth—in this case, insecurity isn’t bad, just out of my comfort zone and past experiences tell me I can trust it will all work out without my having to be upset at my husband.
I have used this new "peace cycle" (the antidote for the pain cycle) in many relationships beyond just my marriage. My co-worker “helped” by doing some of my work, and I was tempted to feel inadequate at my job and say something snarky—I didn’t!
Seriously, if you’re dedicated to becoming more christ-like in your relationships, please read this book. It will change your life if you implement the system. And if you have children, as they watch you use a new healthy way of managing your emotions, this one change can have a huge generational impact!
When we’re young and encounter various experiences, we start to believe things about God, ourselves, and others that may or may not be true. After years of believing those thoughts we automatically act as if they are true. This book looks at those beliefs and puts into words the pain cycle created from them. Once our pain cycle is set, we don’t even notice we do it anymore, causing pain to ourselves and those around us—which is the opposite of what most of us are trying to do.
While reading this book, my husband got laid off from his job. My pain cycle set in: fear of insecurity, doubts if God REALLY loves me and worry if it will all work out. I normally try to control an outcome by blaming or trying to control my husband (to alleviate my fears). But this book gives the tools to address what’s at the heart of the behavior and deal with that at its source. So instead of blaming or controlling my husband, I controlled my emotions by using the peace cycle learned in this book about telling myself the truth—in this case, insecurity isn’t bad, just out of my comfort zone and past experiences tell me I can trust it will all work out without my having to be upset at my husband.
I have used this new "peace cycle" (the antidote for the pain cycle) in many relationships beyond just my marriage. My co-worker “helped” by doing some of my work, and I was tempted to feel inadequate at my job and say something snarky—I didn’t!
Seriously, if you’re dedicated to becoming more christ-like in your relationships, please read this book. It will change your life if you implement the system. And if you have children, as they watch you use a new healthy way of managing your emotions, this one change can have a huge generational impact!
September 9, 2025
The Mindful Marriage is a layman’s guide to Restoration Therapy (RT). RT is a counseling framework developed by Terry & Sharon Hargrave and the framework I use most often in my counseling practice. RT changed my life when I worked through it several years ago.
This book is easy to read. The exercises are easy to understand. I won’t say the change is easy because is change, deep life-giving change, ever easy? But it is so worth it.
Even though this is a guide to marriage change, it’s really about relationship change. With yourself, family, friends, co-workers, really any other human. Best of all, it’s written through the lens of the truth of who God says you are. If faith is not a part of your life, the principles are still very valid and applicable.
This book is easy to read. The exercises are easy to understand. I won’t say the change is easy because is change, deep life-giving change, ever easy? But it is so worth it.
Even though this is a guide to marriage change, it’s really about relationship change. With yourself, family, friends, co-workers, really any other human. Best of all, it’s written through the lens of the truth of who God says you are. If faith is not a part of your life, the principles are still very valid and applicable.
July 15, 2025
One of the best marriage books I have read about being able to identify what triggers you and why you are in a negative/pain cycle. This really is an extension to attachment theory. It is a workbook that helps you walk through your trauma, see how you are triggered, why you are triggered, and what to do about it. It also walks you through what to do when these triggers happen in your relationship. I love that they give personal stories and examples. It’s a must read.
January 9, 2025
This book was a gem. I am NOT a reader and I read this entire book and can not wait to read it again. The concepts presented in this book and Restoration Therapy techniques discussed provide immense personal insight. I am looking forward to using the skills I learned in this book to be the best me I can be for myself, my marriage and all of my interpersonal relationships.
December 9, 2025
Okay, this book rocked! Ashley and I are getting married soon, and this book is a fantastic fusion of psychology and theology. What we also appreciate about Restorative Therapy is it gives us a tool (pain and peace cycles) that we can use throughout the course of our marriage as our seasons change. The author writes honestly, practically, and lovingly! #wouldrecommend
January 10, 2026
We’ve been going through this book with 2 other couples from our church, and the conversations and new actions and attitudes we’ve seen as a result of focusing of the Pain & Peace cycle have been genuinely inspiring and encouraging.
Some of the book feels a bit general and could have used more detail, but the work of RT is quite powerful when we do the work.
Some of the book feels a bit general and could have used more detail, but the work of RT is quite powerful when we do the work.
February 20, 2025
One of the best chapters is near the end of the book on trust and humility. Also, the short section on sexual intimacy.
The book has a lot of good tools, if you use them, it could change your marriage.
The book has a lot of good tools, if you use them, it could change your marriage.
August 24, 2025
This book is for everyone, not just the married!
September 10, 2025
I got this from the library but I will be buying a copy! I think every single person (married or not) could benefit from this book and the tools it teaches.
October 3, 2025
Hard truths.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews