Winged Leviathan

by Forrest Audobon

WE'RE HEADED STRAIGHT UP THE ASSHOLE OF THE U.S.S.R., AND IT'S ALL FOR THE SAKE OF A MOLDY OLD BOOK NOBODY'S EVER HEARD OF?Moscow leads a hard-as-nails crew of marines who never turn away from a good fight. But, venturing into Russian territory on the brink of World War II in the hopes of stealing an incredible weapon is enough to set anyone on edge. Not to mention the fact that they're escorting scientists—the sexy and spunky Miss McKnight and the hilarious and absentminded Mr. Hayes—to a church that predates the birth of Christ. What is this ancient weapon the scientists hope to find? What else will they find at this strange, secluded church in the highest Caucasus mountains? Moscow has seen some crazy things in his time, but nothing that will compare with....THE WINGED LEVIATHAN!

137 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 18, 2012

About the author

Forrest Audobon was born in Omenhaw, Nebraska, in 1966. The oldest of nineteen children, he spent most of his childhood taking care of mewling, vomiting babies. He converted to Amishism in 1981 and spent the next ten years growing a tremendous beard and huge biceps from barn-building and farming. Then, in 1991, he enlisted in the Marines and spent the Gulf War building water filters across Kuwait and Iraq. Upon returning to the U.S., Forrest had become disenchanted with all kinds of things, and began writing fiction prolifically. Although his early writing was confined to erotic Amish short stories, he has since expanded his repertoire to horror fiction and action adventures. Winged Leviathan is his first published novel. He currently lives back in Omenhaw with his partner, Kelly. They have no children.

Reviews

[Eh?Eh! · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fun, snarky take on those macho action novels! Sexist, manly, one-liner hero Moscow is sent on a mission on the brink of WWII (as is noted repeatedly, hahah!) and manages to solve problems and face tons of crap (seriously, tons of falling poo) in a way that pulled out involuntary laughter...I love that in a book. I'm pretty easy in that if I laugh then I love. I laughed a lot with this clever one.

The end felt a little rushed, as if the author was working full-time while being hounded by fans and attempting to write a couple other books at the same time. Just as if that was going on.

[Meredith Holley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, I hate to be negative, but I think there might be some factual errors in this book. I don’t think a book that is about “World War 2” should fail to talk about the Great Depression in America because that is what readers can really relate to. I also thought it was incorrect to say that they found a spirit bridge without having to answer the three questions of the spirit bridge keeper, the Holy Ghost. I’m not saying the author, whom I believe to be a communist and possibly from Iran, like Barack Obama, needs to apologize to me about this because I haven’t written a bestseller, so who am I to talk? I am just saying that he should probably self-deport himself instead of taking hard-earned taxpayer dollars that I built to publish this spiritual self-help book. Other than the un-American parts of this book, I liked the more accurate parts, so I will tell you about them and hopefully you will love my “review.” LOL.

I like how there was a lot of good advice in here about how a woman can use her womanly powers to please men. I know that a lot of smart, sassy ladies wear their heels during sex, like the woman scientist in this story does, because, you know, it enhances the curvature of our calves and also because Jesus wants us to. The Eldridges describe the story of Ruth from this book called the “Bible” to tell us about that kind of thing. I’m just going to quote from the original work because it reminds me so much of the deeper spiritual message of Winged Leviathan.

Ruth, as you’ll remember, is the daughter-in-law of a woman from Judah named Naomi. Both women have lost their husbands and are in a pretty bad way; they have no man looking out for them, their financial status is below the poverty line, and they are vulnerable in many other ways as well. Things begin to look up when Ruth catches the eye of a wealthy single man named Boaz. Boaz is a good man, this we know. He offers her some protection and some food. But, Boaz is not giving Ruth what she really needs – a ring.

So what does Ruth do? She ‘inspires’ him. She arouses him to be a man. Here’s the scene: The men have been working dawn till dusk to bring the barley harvest; they’ve just finished and now it’s party time. Ruth takes a bubble bath and puts on a knockout dress; then she waits for the right moment. . . .

No, I do not think Ruth and Boaz had sex that night; I do not think anything inappropriate happened at all. But this is no fellowship potluck, either. . . . A woman is at her best when she is being a woman. Boaz needs a little help getting going and Ruth has some options. . . . She can badger him . . . [, s]he can whine about it . . . [, s]he can emasculate him . . . [, o]r she can use all she is as a woman to get him to use all he’s got as a man. She can arouse, inspire, energize . . . Ask your man what he’d prefer.

-- Captivating, by Stasi Eldridge, quoting Wild at Heart by John Eldridge

I am quoting Stasi Eldridge’s book of quotes from John Eldridge because this book has a lot of the same values as that, LOL. And, it is proper for a woman to quote a man about spiritual self-help. Some “feminists” (LOL, I mean “man-haters”) might say that the story of Ruth is not about that at all, but that it is about two women survivors protecting each other in a world that hates them. But, feminists are probably going to hell, LOL. They also probably think people care about ovaries or something. And also I heard that they want to kill babies. So, you should love babies and buy American.

The other thing I liked in this book was the funny jokes about duct tape. And I liked how the main character had problems with his dad, but they got to work them out through a spiritual journey. I also liked the funny jokes about the Leviathan’s butt and how the soldiers didn’t listen to the monks at the castle because they were probably atheists, LOL and prayers for them!

I didn’t like how there weren’t enough characters who turned out to be alive after we thought they were dead, but maybe they will be alive in the next book in this series. And how the main guy didn’t get married because he really needs one woman to arouse him. Amen.

[Cindy Dyson Eitelman · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought I'd try something different and the description didn't sound so bad--

                    SINISTER WINGS FLAP IN THE DARKNESS...

But then came The March Of The Cliches.


Edward had become strong and handsome and Galina had become excruciatingly hot.
...piercing brown eyes that knew no fear.
They were the Lucky 13, one of baddest squads in all of the Marines.

And then came the predictable and inane interactions of the characters.

Galina and Edward go swimming.  She pulls him under water and holds him until he thrashes.  He pushes her underwater and holds her while she thrashes.  After this minor bout of S&M, they laughed.  They kissed.  They both got sucked down in a huge vortex....

Well, the latter part was unexpected.  But by then, I was more than ready to see them die.



I made it to Chapter 3 and decided to end the torture.  Pfui.

[Leilah Wilcox · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book "sucked balls"
If I could rate it 0 stars I would, I would suggest finding a new profession "Forest Audobon"