Bye Bye I Love You: The Story of Our First and Last Words

by Michael Erard

A beautiful and intimate exploration of first and last words—and the many facets of how language begins and ends—from a pioneering language writer.

With our earliest utterances, we announce ourselves—and are recognized—as persons ready for social life. With our final ones, we mark where others must release us to death’s embrace. In Bye Bye I Love You, linguist and author Michael Erard explores these phenomena, commonly called “first words” and “last words,” uncovering their cultural, historical, and biological entanglements and honoring their deep private significance. Erard draws from personal, historical, and anthropological sources to provide a sense of the breadth of beliefs and practices about these phenomena across eras, religions, and cultures around the world.

What do babies’ first words have in common? How do people really communicate at the end of life? In the first half of the book, Erard tells the story of first words in human development and evolution, and how the attention to children’s early language—a modern phenomenon—arose. In the second half, he provides a groundbreaking overview of language at the end of life and the cultural conventions that surround it. Throughout he reveals the many parallels and asymmetries between first and last words and asks whether we might be able to use a linguistic understanding of end of life to discover what we truly want.

Genres: Nonfiction, Language, Philosophy, Death, History

344 pages, Hardcover

Published February 11, 2025

Reviews

[Felicia Steele · Rating 5 out of 5]

I should give a disclaimer that Michael is my friend, but that doesn't make me appreciate his books any less. Many books about language are about language as an abstraction, but Michael's books--particularly this one--are books about what languages mean to people, politically, socially, and (with this one) physically and filially. He provides a highly personal treatment of linguistic anthropology at the beginning and ending of life, and, since all of us will someday weaken and die, the book is well worth reading carefully.

[Socraticgadfly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had read either an excerpt from this book, a magazine story about this book, or a magazine story about a similar book, several months ago, so I grabbed it.

Had no interest in the baby words; already knew enough about parents reading in massive expectations of them.

But, they are the flip side of dying words, and that's why they're here.

And, while it may not be parents, except in the case of kids dying young, Erard shows how various loved ones bring the same massive expectations to the table and read them into utterances of the dying. In the "West," this really took off with late medieval Catholicism.

Problem? Whether due to hypoxia, pain, pain management by medication, or delirium, the dying are often not coherent. Sometimes, they're not articulate. Sometimes, they're speechless, period. Even when not so limited, their utterances are brief, and laden with pronouns that may have a high level of referent ambiguity.

Plus, there's those dying in nursing homes, perhaps unheard by anybody. Or the deaf, who don't have a signing person to interpret. Or non-loved ones, who can't interpret gestures like family could.

Along with this, Erard semi-excoriates books like "Final Events" that promise most the dying will have profound, meaningful utterances. I think many people hate hearing that this ain't so, and that's what's behind all the 1- and 2-star non-review "ratings."

The book has a couple of shortcomings.

First, after talking about how "words" can include a variety of utterances by the dying, Erard says Montagne had no last words, because quinsy left him speechless his last 3 days, even though Erard notes he was still writing things. Bit self-contradictory, eh?

Second, on modern pain management, he talks about the increase of sedation in the last 20 years, and says this was primary for palliative care. He doesn't ask if — whether in modern fee-for-service Merikkka, national health care run at least in part through private insurance like Japan, Taiwan, Switzerland, government-paid national health insurance, or even the full British breakfast of the NHS — some of this rise in sedation is for capitalist reasons, to allow fewer nurses to treat more patients. That, in turn, means fewer people to hear the utterances of the dying.

[Geoffrey Wong · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that made me think. I have the opportunity to see a few babies growing up around me most of them are still nonverbal. and I had just spoken with the friend in his last few days of life (he passed 3 days after I last spoke with him) so this book keep coming up in my mind.

The one insight that I hold from it is that as we mature the self-control part of our brain grows and we act in more and more socially acceptable ways. but as we age and die, that self-control part is also the first to go, leaving us very close to the way we first were.

How to die gracefully? need to change the heart not just the tongue!

[Nadhira · Rating 3 out of 5]

an in-depth analysis of the universal language of first and last words. first words are awaited with excitement, its meaning blinded with expectations. this happens when the child is thought of as an ‘investment’: a sad reality we cannot get out of. a child’s first words may one day be sincerely recorded, when we learn to fully love.

[Rayfes Mondal · Rating 3 out of 5]

A linguist explores our first and last words in life. And at the end there are ways we communicate once we've lost the ability to speak. With fewer of us dying from acute conditions it's more likely we will have a slower demise.

[Émilie Michaud · Rating 3 out of 5]

une intéressante analyse qui montre que la valeur accordée aux premiers er derniers mots de qqn est socialement construite. Toutefois, j'ai arrêté avant la fin parce que c'était répétitif et ça tournait en rond.

[Damandeep · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of things to think about.

[LV · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m sorry I love you No Punctuation whatsoever