Grieving: A Love Story

by Ruth Coughlin, Michael Dorris (Contributor)

An evocation of the devastating effect that death has on the survivor describes the terminal illness of the author's husband, capturing his determination and strength, and offering consolation to those with similar losses

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Grief

191 pages, Hardcover

First published August 24, 1993

Reviews

[Leigh Kramer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Because of how many losses I've experienced in my personal life and because of my work as a hospice social worker, I've read a lot of books on grief and loss and I'm always up for reading more. As a society, we don't talk about death and grief enough so I want to find and support the people who do it well.

I wasn't familiar with Ruth Coughlin prior to this memoir but she's surely among the finest writers on this topic. I was blown away by her sparse prose and precise wording.

Ruth and Bill were friends for 14 years and married for 9. He died of cancer in 1992, about 10 months after he was diagnosed. The book focuses primarily on those final 10 months and intersperses those recollections with her experience of grief and memories of their relationship.

Ruth writes precisely about her grief, her pain rising off the page. Anyone who has lost a spouse will relate to the wild seesaw of emotions and the difficulty of figuring out a new normal, especially when you simply want the old normal to return.

"As far as I can tell there is only one certainty, a certainty as solid as the realization that he is dead, and it the sure knowledge that I have no learned, am continuing to learn, another language, the language of loss. Like the language of music and love, it is universal. You don't need a dictionary, you don't need a translator, you don't need a thesaurus. All you need do is go through it once, just once, to get it." p. 12

I did cringe at the lack of support before and after Bill's death. He was not on hospice, though he did have visiting nurses from Michigan Cancer Foundation, which appeared to be an uneven experience. Bill refused to discuss dying and his doctor would have more realistic conversations with Ruth privately so she was at least aware of the changes in his condition. This doesn't mean she was any more accepting of his decline. They didn't make funeral arrangements until after he died- advice to do so beforehand enraged her. And I can understand this but I also know refusal to talk about dying makes grief that much more harder and complicated. That's fully on display here and I wished they could have handled things differently, while knowing hospice wasn't as prevalent as it is now. They didn't have anyone to guide them through the hard conversations.

At the same time, plenty of people have access to hospice and bereavement care and still refuse to have the hard conversations. Regardless, the way Ruth writes about grief is so honest and true, I'd recommend it to anyone. Those who have been widowed may find comfort in seeing someone else make sense of the senseless.


Disclosure: I received an ARC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Kirsten Lost 2022 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't really have the words to review this, one day after my mother's funeral. Just know that even 25 years later, this book still speaks.

Thanks to Netgalley for the read.

[Eve L-A Witherington · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ruth is a widow unfortunately to her husband William who sadly passed away from cancer. At the beginning of the book, we learn about how Ruth is coping with everything which is plain and obviously coated with sadness. They had a life together in a marriage for over three decades, having that one person there for you everyday to going to having the other partners belongings everywhere but not them, not their physical presence, is a totally relatable and honest situation.

Ruth describes her husbands battle as he went through chemotherapy to help prolong his life and how it did shrink the liver tumor at first. It's unfortunate that liver cancer alike many other cancer forms often comes with a bleak diagnosis, however heartbreaking for the family and friends to accept.

Ruth and Bill went through so much together and in the book there are anniversaries remembered and happy times such as when Bill had his next novel published and celebrated with a party. Always managing to have as good a time as can be possible even when time is limited and unknown how long is left, Bill is an icon in the sense that the diagnosis didn't hold him back in his final months which is very admirable.

Heart wrenching and emotional, if you have been close to someone with terminal cancer as well, I hope you will read this book as well. I have had many family members in the past and currently fighting this horrible disease which takes so many from us each year. Thank you to the publishers for allowing me to review this book, its been emotional but worth it.

[Robert · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a widow’s account of the diagnosis, demise, and aftermath of the loss of a beloved husband. It is a touching story, however much of it didn’t resonate with me. That’s not a prerequisite of course, as everyone deals with grief differently, but if you choose to pick this book up I’d recommend keeping that in mind.

I also found the writing style dated and not personally engaging. Again, I realize this is a style issue but offer it as one opinion.

For those who have lost a spouse, I recommend with caution.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is written by a woman who has lost her husband to cancer and is absolutely heart-wrenching. It was an enjoyable read, even so. I was so very sad that it appeared Ruth did not have much emotional support during the process and after her husband's death except for her husband himself. Her love for him was very evident through the whole book and I am glad she could share that with us all.

*Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for providing a digital copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.*

[Gabi Coatsworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, but excellent memoir about love, an unexpected and fatal diagnosis, and the ways in which the author dealt with them. I found it very relatable, especially because of the way the author uses small observations to convey a larger truth. It’s old, but not dated.

[Laura Gadd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful telling of a real life love story with a tragic ending. The writing of this book was clearly cathartic for Ruth Coughlin. My heart goes out to you.

[Jim Britton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting

I had to keep reading to see if their cancer journey was similr to ours. It provided me some comfort that i was not alone in my experiences as a caretaker.

[Krista Stevens · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the better books on living with the impending death of one's spouse and the aftermath. Ruth was married to novelist and judge William J. Coughlin, author of "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff". His diagnosis of cancer carries little hope for healing; she chronicles the 8 months (I think) of that journey and then the subsequent journey by herself. It's told in unfolding flashbacks, which was unusual, but works very well.

She gets grief in a real, honest, lyric manner and much of what she wrote could have been my story too, except that she was thirty years older and agnostic, so the element of reconciling greif with faith is completely missing.

Examples:
"Taking care of you? I'd silently ask myself. I am watching you die and I am impotent and I want to die with you. I am watching a tornado as it spirals towards us. We are about to be drowned by the largest tsunami the world has ever witnessed, and what I really think, if you want to know the truth, is that you are taking care of me just as much as I am taking care of you (16-17)."

"What no one ever tells you after your husband is dead is that the old chestnut about there being good days and bad days is categorcally not true. There are, insted, those days that are bad, and then there are those days that are much worse (41)."

"Once I get home, I resolve that I will never get attached to anyone or anything ever again. I will not hold on to anyting, I will not keep anyone close. Dependency is bad for you, I remind myself, look where it's gotten you. You are adrift at sea, there is no land in sight and the Coast Guard has gone out of business (124)."

[Monique]

A really good read into the story of a widow. Not too long, not too intense. Kind of made me smile.

[Erika Nerdypants · Rating 4 out of 5]

I know, I know, another memoir on grieving. This one was beautifully, lyrically written, and cut to the bone.

[Cws]

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