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192 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2024
‘Woolf had set out to write a different kind of novel. It would alternate between essays and fiction: between ‘fact and vision’, as she called it, between the ‘granite’ of truth and the ‘rainbow’ of characters.
‘Theory announced that the future was now. To mark its arrival, Theory had taken book, essay, novel, story, poem, and play, and replaced them all with text. Theory rejected binaries, exposed aporias, and posited. It posited that meaning was unstable and endlessly deferred…Theory took words I knew and used them in startling new ways.’
‘The Woolfmother constructed interiority in radical new ways in her fiction by describing what she found when she looked into herself. That looking inspired her to assemble a feminist politics from her experience of patriarchy: she knew what it was like to be her. But she didn’t know what it was like to be E.W. Perera and she didn’t care to find out. He was simply as ‘instructable’ to her as the world from which he came.’
'Shame could transform female solidarity into a scold's bridle. It could ensure that a philosophy designed to free us set a weight on our tongues.'
I no longer wanted to write novels that read like novels. Instead of shapeliness and disguise, I wanted a form that allowed for formlessness and mess.
I asked Anti if she’d read ‘A Room of One’s Own’, and she asked if the pope shat in the woods. ‘That book explained my life.’
‘That’s what I thought when I read it.’
“It explains the life of every woman on the planet.’
I asked Lenny if he’d read ‘A Room of One’s Own’. He said that Virginia Woolf was a product of the British upper middle class, and that her book was addressed to women like her. ‘She knew nothing about working-class lives’.
I asked Shaz if she’d read ‘A Room of One’s Own’. She said that it had changed her life. ‘Virginia Woolf was like my mother if my mother had been like I wanted.’
I thought about her/my/our Woolfmother. She was our ‘Bildungstheorie’, showing us how to understand ourselves in relation to the world. Our mothers closed doors in order to keep us safe and never stopped warning us about the dangers outside. The Woolfmother said, ‘Imagine!’ And opened doors in our minds. She was the one we turned to when our own mothers failed. Our mothers failed because (1) we were obliged to ignore them (2) we kept presenting them with our pooey nappies (3) they didn’t have $500 a year and a room of their own in a Bloomsbury square.
The Woolfmother outed herself as a snob and a racist and an antisemite, failing us because mothers are obliged to fail. But her writings about women inspired us and gave us courage because our imaginations were bigger than hers. Our imaginations projected us into sentences intended for the upper-middle-class Englishwomen. They propelled us into a future in which we were artists and scholars and our lives were experimental adventures. In that future we could destroy the Woolfmother, rip her to pieces, and end up motherless and weeping. Or we could frame her, put her up on a wall and keep her under glass.
Theory had taught me wariness around either/or, so I came up with a different solution. Acknowledgement lay between denial and tearing down. Very carefully, I slid a table knife between the wall and the four blobs of Blu Tack holding up my poster of the Woolfmother. She came away undamaged from her location above my desk, and I repositioned her on the dark wall behind my front door. Now that she was cornered and her eyes were level with mine, her downcast gaze was that of a naughty child unable to look her parents in the face.
My bathroom was at the opposite end of the hallway. It didn’t have an extractor fan, and the window was warped shut. Steam from my shower, escaping into the hall, kept unsticking the Woolfmother, but she always contrived to hang on by a corner or two.
In my mother’s idiom, ‘feeling bad’ covered the spectrum from fleeting disappointment to suicidal ideation. The phone call ended, and I lay on the bed feeling bad that:
I was the kind of daughter who let the price sticker show on the savagely repellent lipstick I bought for my widowed mother;
She was the kind of mother who didn’t find the lipstick savagely repellent;
Neither of us could break out of a situation I found savagely repellent and to which I was sadly resigned.