The Social Paradox: Autonomy, Connection, and Why We Need Both to Find Happiness – An Evolutionary Psychology Guide to Overcoming Loneliness

by William Von Hippel

From the author of The Social Leap comes this thought-provoking exploration into humans’ two core evolutionary needs, for connection and autonomy, how the modern world has thrown them out of whack, and how we can rebalance them to improve our lives.

Why do people who have so much—leading comfortable lives filled with unprecedented freedom, choice, and abundance—often feel so unhappy and unfulfilled? This phenomenon is a defining paradox of our time and one we endlessly seek to solve. In The Social Paradox, psychologist William von Hippel argues that we need to think about this problem in a new way. By changing our perspective, we might finally see the solution, bringing us greater happiness and more satisfying relationships.

The key is to understand the interplay between our two most basic psychological needs—for connection and autonomy. Evolution made us dependent on one another for survival, instilling in us a strong need to connect. It also made us seek autonomy, so our ancestors could distinguish themselves within their groups, improving their chances to procreate and gain status.

These two opposing needs are our most fundamental psychological drivers, and while our lives once ensured a happy balance between them, the opportunities of today’s world have thrown it out of whack. As von Hippel explains, our modern world no longer demands connection but it provides endless opportunity for autonomy; this lopsidedness lies at the root of many of our most intractable problems. Recognizing this imbalance and working to counter it can drastically change how we make decisions, spend our time, and find happiness.

The Social Paradox invites us to examine the fundamental building blocks of life and society—politics, religion, urban living, marriage—in a brand-new way. Once we understand the evolutionary forces driving us, we can begin to see how to counteract the emptiness and loneliness of contemporary life.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Science, Audiobook, Self Help, Sociology, Cultural

304 pages, Hardcover

Published February 18, 2025

Reviews

[CatReader · Rating 4 out of 5]

William Von Hippel is a PhD social psychologist who, in addition to his academic research, has written several popular psychology books, including 2025's The Social Paradox. This latest book focuses on the conflict between autonomy and social connection in humans. While Von Hippel talks about humans' evolutionary past as valuing connections over autonomy as a prerequisite for survival in hunter-gatherer and farming societies, Von Hippel argues that modern society in Western countries (particularly in our current digital, social media, and AI/ML age) tends to tip the balance more toward autonomy at the expense of fulfilling, genuine connection, leading to isolation for many.

This is hardly a novel topic in the pop psychology literature (see further reading below), though I enjoyed Von Hippel's takes (while not entirely agreeing with all his arguments). I did appreciate his nuanced takes -- both connection and autonomy are great in the right doses, but too much of either at the expense of the other can be problematic, and while our modern society may skew too much toward autonomy, not everyone is negatively affected (and vice versa for historical, more connected societies). I do think we need to lean into our own agency to seek out the level of connection and autonomy that feels most appropriate for our own needs.

Further reading: social connection vs. isolation in modern society
Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues by David Bradford and Carole Robin | my review
How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks
Belonging: The Science of Creating Connection and Bridging Divides by Geoffrey Cohen
Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John Cacioppo and William Patrick
Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect by Matthew Lieberman

My statistics:
Book 148 for 2025
Book 2074 cumulatively

[Ella Kasten · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting to think about in the context of my current life decisions. Really hit the nail on the head when he said Americans wouldn’t hesitate to move away from connections for a job.

[Maher Razouk · Rating 5 out of 5]

إن نوع الزراعة الذي يختاره الناس أو الذي تدعمه البيئة المحلية، كان له تأثير مهم على ظهور النزعة الفردية لدى مجتمعات زراعية معينة وعدم ظهورها في أخرى. واذا تساءلنا عن سبب نشوء الفردية في أوروبا الغربية، فيمكننا أن نجد إجابة واحدة في حقيقة تاريخية مفادها أن الزراعة في أوروبا الغربية كانت تركز على حبوب معينة مثل القمح والشعير ويمكن زراعة هذه الحبوب دون مساعدة كبيرة من آخرين خارج الأسرة المباشرة. وعلى النقيض من ذلك، تتطلب زراعة الأرز مشاركة على مستوى المجتمع في نقاط رئيسية من العملية، خشية فشل المحاصيل. كما أن زراعة الأرز تحتاج إلى كم كبير من المياه إلى الحد الذي يجعلها تعتمد على الري المكثف، الأمر الذي يتطلب من المزارعين في الأراضي المتجاورة أن يتعاونوا مع بعضهم البعض لتقاسم المياه المتاحة والحفاظ على أنظمة الري المترابطة. وتماشياً مع هذه الاختلافات في التعاون الذي تتطلبه زراعة الأرز مقابل زراعة القمح، فإن المناطق الجنوبية من الصين التي كانت تزرع الأرز تقليدياً، صارت أكثر جماعية من المناطق الشمالية من الصين، التي كانت تزرع القمح تقليدياً.
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William von Hippel
The Social Paradox
Translated By #Maher_Razouk

[Beauregard Bottomley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Trump collapses the myth that Republicans and evangelical Christians prioritize liberty over equality, or using the author’s framing, autonomy over cooperation. The author forces his thesis into a mold that tries to explain the world with just-so-stories post-hoc rationalizations for human development over time. It gets silly fast and he stays within Stephen Pinker’s fantasy explanations for explaining human psychology through pseudo psychological evolution nonsense.

It’s a real danger to look at how we are as a society and then extrapolate an imaginary scenario that explains how that justifies the hate. Betty Friedan in “The Feminine Mystique” screams at her world when they told her in the 1960s that just look around the women’s place is in the kitchen and the home serving her husband never quite realizing that the is does not make the ought.

“Jesus would never put such a barrier in his path” that’s how Jennings knew he could rely on his imaginary friend, at least that’s one of the stories told in this book. There was a lot of Christian preaching in this book and he talked about the Samaritans, and just one more thing, didn’t Jesus call the Samaritan woman a dog, and is it nice to call the one Samaritan in a parable ‘the good Samaritan’ thus implying they were an anomaly. Imagine I said ‘he was the good Mexican’ and implied the rest were rapists and thieves as Trump has said, at least Trump had the decency not to offer them scraps from the family table as you would give to a dog.

Do white evangelical Christians prioritize liberty over equality as the author claims? Or is it just that they hate the same people Trump hates, and their tribe of fellow white evangelical Christians matter most to them. Are Conservatives really concerned about fiscal responsibility as this author claims? Trump gives them the hate they want and makes them feel good about themselves rather than the phony framing of autonomy over cooperation.

The author made fun of Libertarians as one should. Though, he did say that they think it would be okay to have someone accept their criminal punishment if they voluntarily agreed to for compensation. The author thought that was absurd as I would. I would even say that the whole Christ thing dying on the cross and vicariously paying my sins is just as absurd as the Libertarians’ belief.

This book was a missed opportunity. There is a way to deconvolve the statistics such that variances and covariances could be separated. There’s between, within and overall variances that can be squeezed out of good datasets. Trump followers need to be told who to hate and their truths change daily. Last week they expressed disdain at the new Pope because he believed in kindness towards others including immigrants. The conservatives and white evangelical Christians follow the hate that Trump gives them. There’s no big complex story to get at. Trump’s minions hate the same people that he hates.

[Ginny Yurich · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one is about finding the balance between autonomy and connection and how that explains so many things about ourselves and our society.

[ZeV · Rating 3 out of 5]

Humans are social animals, driven by a biological need for connection that gives life meaning. Yet, we also crave autonomy, a desire that often clashes with our instinct to find purpose through collective causes. In this book The Social Paradox, the author argues that modern environments disrupt this balance due to evolutionary mismatch. In ancient times, physical vulnerability made social bonds essential for survival. Today, as apex animals, humans face no such pressures, and autonomous lifestyles have become “supernormal stimuli,” pulling us away from the connections that once fostered happiness. This perspective is compelling and offers a fresh lens on modern discontent.

The concept of evolutionary mismatch resonates deeply, illuminating many of our contemporary struggles. I find the author’s central thesis persuasive and hope it gains traction in broader discussions about human well-being.

However, the book’s execution falls short of its potential. The author, an academic, explains the absence of detailed footnotes linking claims to specific references, stating:

I don’t include footnotes linking specific ideas in the text to their references, as I find such footnotes distracting when I read books like this one. Rather, I’ve used footnotes to highlight details and tangential ideas that might interest some readers but not others. (p. xxi)

This choice undermines the book’s value as a scholarly resource. References are not mere formalities; they allow readers to distinguish evidence-based claims from personal opinions and provide a roadmap for further exploration. By omitting them, the author limits the book’s utility, particularly for readers who expect rigorous epistemology from academic work. While the conversational tone may appeal to a general audience, it risks alienating those seeking a more robust foundation for the ideas presented.

Additionally, the book’s treatment of sex differences feels overly cautious, a common issue in Western academic writing. The author includes basic explanations—such as plotting overlapping normal distributions to clarify differences in averages—that seem unnecessary for a scientifically literate audience. This defensiveness, likely a response to the fraught climate of identity politics, detracts from the book’s intellectual boldness. It’s disheartening to see academics navigate such constraints, as it stifles innovative thinking and reinforces a cautious status quo. While the author’s intent may be to broaden accessibility, this approach risks diluting the book’s impact.

Overall, this book offers a valuable perspective on human connection and evolutionary mismatch but is hindered by its lack of scholarly rigor and overly careful framing. It’s a missed opportunity to fully engage readers eager for both insight and evidence.

[Katy]

I received my copy free through GoodReads Giveaways

[أحمد جيو حسن · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I may say so, this book is a thoughtful read that explores a fundamental tension in human nature between our desire for autonomy and our need for connection. The author argues that balancing these two aspects is the key to happiness and psychological well-being. Von Hippel draws on research in social psychology, anthropology and neuroscience, as well as real-life examples, to give the reader a comprehensive view of how humans deal with this existential paradox. He says that we're always trying to balance wanting to be free and wanting to belong, and that being happy means finding a balance between these two things instead of giving up one for the other. The book talks about how important it is the autonomy to make your own decisions, because this makes you feel like you have a sense of self and life satisfaction. But if you don't have that autonomy, you can end up feeling helpless and depressed. It also looks at how we all need other people and how being close to people is really good for you, but being on your own can be really bad for you. Von Hippel says that finding a balance between being independent and being close to other people is key to happiness, and he gives strategies like negotiating relationships, respecting personal boundaries, and building healthy bonds without losing your autonomy. He also discusses the impact of modern factors, such as technology and globalisation, on this balance, noting that social media may increase a sense of superficial connectedness, but may weaken autonomy and deeper relationships. To add a practical dimension, the author offers tips on how to apply these concepts in everyday life, both in personal relationships and the workplace environment. The book is suitable for anyone interested in psychology, sociology, and human relationships.

[Nathan Cos · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent read. Enjoyed every chapter. I’d write more but I’m very tired!

[Kelley Doll · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

I went into The Social Paradox hoping for a mind-expanding take on something we all grapple with—our need for both independence and human connection. As a second-year psychology student, I’m already knee-deep in theories about social bonds, self-determination, and the evolutionary basis of behaviour, so I was curious to see how von Hippel would package these ideas for a wider audience.

There’s no doubt the book is well-researched. Von Hippel draws on a broad range of studies and anecdotes to illustrate our paradoxical drive for both autonomy and belonging. Some of the insights are engaging and thoughtfully presented—for example, the way he links our evolutionary past to modern dilemmas of disconnection, or how technology amplifies both our freedom and our loneliness. These moments made me pause and reflect.

But overall, I found the central thesis—that happiness depends on balancing autonomy and connection—a little simplistic. While it’s undeniably true, it also felt like well-trodden territory. Much of what von Hippel argues about social needs and independence is foundational to psychology, and the book didn’t push far beyond the basics. At times, it became repetitive, reiterating points I’d encountered in first-year lectures or textbooks.

The practical advice on fostering connection and autonomy was helpful in theory but lacked depth. It often veered into the obvious—things like “spend time with others,” “set healthy boundaries,” or “reflect on your values.” Useful reminders, sure, but hardly revelatory.

All in all, The Social Paradox is a solid, accessible read for those newer to psychological ideas. But if, like me, you’ve already spent a fair bit of time exploring human motivation and social behaviour, you might find it a touch underwhelming. Thought-provoking in parts—but not quite the breakthrough I was hoping for.

[LogosApe Reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Part 1 of the Book—The Human Balance—Von Hippel draws on evolution to explain how humans developed a strong need to connect millions of years ago, in order to work in groups. Apart from the path to sociality, our evolutionary trajectory also instilled in us a competing need for autonomy. These two core needs of humans—connection and autonomy—are fundamentally in tension. Von Hippel also explores what he dubs as the ‘Four Stages of Human History,’ showing how human societies shift between prioritising connection or autonomy, depending on which stage of human history—hunter gathering, farming, and the age of enlightenment.

In Part 2—The Major Forces Shaping Autonomy and Connection—he examines how sex/gender, culture, religion, and politics are linked with autonomy and connection. These 4 categories all play a major role in defining our identity as well as how others treat us. As such, they influence and reflect how someone weighs the balance between connection and autonomy. Generally, the data suggests that on average, Men, individualists, Protestants, and Conservatives all emphasise autonomy while Women, collectivists, Catholics, Jews, and Liberals all emphasise connection. Of course, each individual has their own combination of the above which would lead to a unique weighing of connection and autonomy.

In Part 3—Off-Balance—he begins by saying that for the first time in 250,000 years, our modern world has made sociality unnecessary for survival. Our evolved psychology has not caught up with that fact, however, and the rush of freedom we feel from our extraordinary autonomy has left many unfulfilled and disconnected. He then discusses the primary reasons why and how our lives have shifted to emphasise autonomy over connection and how these changes have disrupted the balance between these two all important needs.

The first reason being how agrarian societies have transited to industrialised societies, causing the shift from connection to autonomy. The second is due to education and wealth which further tilts the balance away from connection and towards autonomy. Lastly, it concerns marriage and the fact that single living is becoming more common. Interestingly, the data suggests that

(1) Marriage doesn’t make people happier because

(a) many become happier and stay that way,
(b) many become unhappier and stay that way, and
(c) Most people who get married have a spike in happiness but return to baseline within 5 to 10 years.

(2) Married people are happier than unmarried people.

This is unlikely due to single people being unhappy because they can’t find the right partner since an equal number of married people might be unhappy for selecting the wrong partner to marry.

How can 1 and 2 be correct? The author reconciles it by concluding that there must be something about people who choose not to marry that makes them unhappy. He thinks that this something is the overemphasis on autonomy and not having enough connection.

Thus, he infers that unmarried people do not need to get married to be happier, but they do need to prioritise connection in their lives.

Lastly, in Part 4—Rebalancing—von Hippel dives into how we can rebalance autonomy and connection to bring them closer to our evolved equilibrium and help us regain our well-being. Chapter 11 examines the price we paid when we moved our social life online but then considers how we can leverage e-connection in our efforts to rebalance. Chapter 12 discusses how the mismatch between our evolved psychology and our modern environment has led to our current underconnected overautonomous state and considers strategies for reconnecting.

He cautions that rebalancing is more of a continuous approach, and not a one-time programme, because our lifestyle and habits have inertia, and the proper balance between autonomy and connection fluctuates depending on your life stage and age.

In general, he suggests that we can look at all of our activities in our routine and life which we are conducting alone, and then ask ourselves how we can make it more social? (e.g., running alone vs with a friend, calling a friend on a train ride vs listening to a podcast)

The 5 general principles he provided are that 1) Change and maintenance must be easy, 2) interventions need to establish new habits, 3) use connection interventions to strengthen other lifestyle goals and vice versa, 4) connect at work, and 5) don’t do things alone (except when you want to or need to)

Von Hippel concludes by stating that it is a remarkable fact that we are no happier than hunter-gatherers, given the incredibly difficult and dangerous lives they lead, but it’s true. (anthropologists study hunter-gathers that exist today to know this, in case you're wondering). His goal in this book is to offer his hypothesis that the reason for this is that we have shifted to a world that overemphasises autonomy at a cost to connection. And that we ought to push back and rebalance the two needs of ours if we want to be happy.

I saw this book randomly on a shelf in Kinokuniya so this book wasn’t a planned purchase but I was glad I picked it up. 5/5 but if I were to be critical, I hope he could have been more thorough with his citations and make this a more academic piece of work, though I suppose not doing so made it easier to read for a wider audience. This book has made me reflect on how truly important social connections are for humans to live a flourishing life, and it ties in really well with all the scientific research that I have read regarding happiness. I finished another book right after this one called The Good Life, which is based on Harvard’s longest happiness study beginning in 1938. Indeed, as you will see in my next review of that book, connection is the key to a happy life.

[Robyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved The Social Leap and very much anticipated the release of this book. It offers a fascinating exploration of why humans behave the way we do. One of the most compelling ideas is how our modern love of autonomy (sitting alone, scrolling on our phones) mirrors our cravings for fat, sugar, and salt. These things were scarce when we evolved in hunter-gatherer clans, but their abundance today has created problems we are only beginning to understand.

The discussion on gender differences in friendships and how they shape workplace dynamics was also insightful. Men tend to bond most during intergroup conflict (war, sports), while women form friendships differently, often to their disadvantage in modern, professional settings. Other intriguing topics include how climate and agriculture influence whether a culture becomes individualistic or tightly connected, as well as Christianity’s impact on Western culture. (For those interested in this last point, The WEIRDest People in the World by Joseph Henrich is an outstanding follow-up.)

A fun, thought-provoking read for anyone curious about what makes humans tick.

[Corbin Marshall · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alright, so. Lot of love and a little bit of gripe with this book.

For the love. Conceptually, the theoretical ideas are truly engaging and feel very accurate in depicting how and why people often operate and think in such different ways. Applicable in so many facets of life, I really felt like a light bulb clicked on in my head as I connected so many personal life experiences with the imbalances of connection and autonomy within myself and those around me.

For the gripe. I feel as though the author tried to cover so much ground with the book that he lacked precision and proper citation in many chapters. I understand that in order to discuss such a generic and baseline concept, you need to generalize and make blanket statements often.

Overall, I loved this book, minus the few aforementioned grievances. I’d still, and will, proactively recommend this to anyone.

[Michael Holmstrup · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was very happy to read this book, and also to hear William speak on the modern wisdom podcast. The book discusses evolutionary biology and our human drives towards autonomy and connection. Connection these days is sorely underappreciated as we all know. His book discusses the many reasons why this says evolved, and a couple of hopeful chapters at the end of how to make small changes and bring more connection into your life. A truly great work.

[Trisha Powers Holder · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really needed to read this. I think I would be content all alone with my Kindle for eternity...but I should wash my hair and get out and see people. this week I called an old friend, planned a walk with a current friend, and did crochet and chatted over zoom with high school friends. People need connections.

[Julie Simons · Rating 3 out of 5]

I never thought about autonomy in the way this author presents it. It was particularly interesting to compare how we overeat in this current world of food abundance with our inclination to be autonomous despite evidence that it leaves us less happy than connection.

[Arun Narayanaswamy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very highly research driven book on autonomy and connection and how the world has changed over the years. It does cover various aspects related to gender , countries, generations and beyond.
Some facts felt a bit blown over the top, but it still is very impactful .

[Emma Jarvis · Rating 4 out of 5]

An eye opening exploration into the two fundamental psychological needs of humankind - connection and autonomy, and how they compete with each other within different aspects of our lives (and to what cost of our happiness).

[Dramatika · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of the problems raised in the book remain unsolved, or unconvincingly explained. Still , this is an intiquing new point of view for the todays problems

[Michelle Jarc · Rating 3 out of 5]

For the most part, this book was pretty interesting. Kind of jumped around a bit to different topics under the same umbrella, but many truth’s were said..

[T · Rating 4 out of 5]

Smart dude, good info.

[Sharon · Rating 3 out of 5]

He raises some good points, I think that the situation is quite complex and that it’s not so easy to say oh I’m going to be more connected now.

[Ceil · Rating 4 out of 5]

interesting analysis of the value of intention between you, the need for autonomy and con