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320 pages, Paperback
First published March 25, 2014

At this point in his life, Judas was one of those vague young men on the verge of no longer being young, now in his midthirties, whose sense of purpose in life had been too long dependent on early promise, and who was only just beginning to realize that this promise had been rescinded; he was still defining himself in terms of what he might become rather than in terms of what he was, but he was beginning to learn.
He went away feeling sorry for himself: seeing himself as Candide and wondering why he had even bothered moving here. But the reader shouldn't feel too sorry for him, as he was ignoring all of the times in his life when he had been the one who had acted like a total dick to someone else. He tended to express his aggression more passively than Walter and his friends, of course, but at least they were open about who they were. Judas, on the other hand, pretended even to himself that he was sweet, romantic, and innocent when in fact he was just as competitive, lustful, and petty as any of them. Which is to say that he kind of deserved to have his finger broken.
"Yeah, well. It's just that you get this one little piece of clout and they treat you as if you're some sort of authority, and for a second you start to believe it, and so you end up coming across as all pontificatory, you know?…But then if you start worrying too much about that shit, it gets even worse. It becomes like this false modesty thing, where you're like, 'I have to pretend I'm not as great as everyone thinks I am, otherwise I'll seem like I'm full of myself.' But then that ends up being the real sign that you've bought into your own hype, when you feel like you have to hide it…You read my first story, so I know that you're going to look at my new one in relation to that. You have expectations about who I am and how I write. And I can't help that, I guess - I mean, there's nothing I can really do about it - but I can't let it bother me either. So yeah, you know, the new one is completely different from the first one. But then that's a choice, too. I mean, do i deliver a known quantity and position myself as a niche writer, just doing this one thing well, over and over; or do I risk alienating my established audience by trying something new? It's like, that question is always there, but it's a question that you can't let yourself worry about. Or it's a decision that you have to make without worrying about all of the repercussions, at least with regard to that particular question. I mean, you have to make the decision for entirely separate reasons.
"If I actually have to summarize it in a single sentence, I guess I'll say that it's about Ludwig Wittgenstein lacking the words to express his love for a young Cambridge mathematician. But that makes it sound pretentious, you know, when for me - even though it's about a language philosopher - it's not really about language or philosophy; it's about the emotional core. I mean, to be totally honest, even though I obviously don't expect anyone to get this, for me it's about my twin brother, Isaac."
The conversation was awkward. They both had things to say to the other, but they had trouble with the diction. Caissa was halfway annoyed that she even had to deal with her own uncertain emotions when she would have preferred to put all of this energy into her book. Judas, meanwhile, was focused in wondering whether he would be able to engineer some other opportunity to sleep with her and thus cement what he hoped might become a real and meaningful relationship, though he couldn't think of anything that wouldn't come off as desperate. So, instead, they spoke mostly of other people…
Part of Adam suspected that his suspicion that he might be an alcoholic was just a way of trying to make himself seem more interesting: that telling Judas about it was a misguided attempt to sound mysterious and cool. But another part of him suspected that this skeptical analysis of the situation was just the alcoholism's way of trying to hide itself.
…he found that his ambitions had diminished in other areas, as well. Where he'd once dreamt of finding his one great love, now his thoughts on that subject didn't reach beyond getting back to Brooklyn and having sex with Caissa again - or for Caissa to love him, and tell him that she loved him, even if they didn't end up together forever. And beyond all of this, he wasn't sure what any of his next goals should be - what he would have in his life immediately worth living for.
But here it is, my big idea: the loss of a loved one is always pretty much the same. Or, that's not the realization, but it's sort of a corollary of the realization. But regardless of whether the reason you lose someone is because your love is unrequited, she leaves you for a neighborhood, or just because the person dies - and whether you're talking about a parent, a lover, or a friend - they're all sort of the same. The particulars allow for some shading of intensity, it's true, but the worst part is always the same. You feel as if you can't possibly get along without the person - and in a way you're right; the person you are at the moment that you think this is more or less defined by the attachment you have - but the hardpan truth of it is that time will make you into someone else, someone who can get along without that person, no matter how much you don't want it to. So the really traumatic thing is all nine instances - multiplying the three types of failure by the three types of relationships, though I don't mean to say that's the extent of the possibilities - isn't the loss of the other person; it's the loss of yourself. And it seems like the end of the world because it is - but only this world. The pain you feel - the pain that wakes you nauseated by your own gut-doubling sobs - it's the pain of birthing someone into another world. Someone other than you who couldn't exist without that love. So, you know, for what it's worth: happy birthday.
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