No More Christian Nice Girl: When Just Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts You, Your Family, and Your Friends

by Paul Coughlin, Jennifer D. PhD Degler

When passivity and false niceness don't bring the abundant life Jesus promised, some Christian women try even harder to hide behind a fragile façade of pleasant perfection. Paul Coughlin and Jennifer Degler give women the empowering message that they have options far beyond simply acting nice or being mean--if they will emulate the real Jesus Christ and face their fears of conflict, rejection, and criticism. Brimming with enlightening information, thought-provoking questionnaires, real-life stories, and biblically based teaching from both the male author of the pioneering No More Christian Nice Guy and a female clinical psychologist, this book will motivate women to allow God to transform them into authentic, powerful women of loving faith.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Spirituality, Christian Living, Christianity, Self Help, Religion

241 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2010

Reviews

[Beth Beutler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very insightful book for Christian women, debunking the myth of being "nice" versus being "good." It shows us the 360 degree Jesus in His sweetness AND saltiness. It covers many areas of life including family, career, and even the bedroom (for married women.)

It gave me some truths for being more courageous while not sacrificing kindness.

[Christina Ramsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

AMAZING.

I have avoided conflict for years, tending to be passive aggressive instead of voice my hurt or opinions, for my own comfort. But that comfort only lasts for a short time. This book helped me realize that "conflict grows intimacy" and that it is so good for my relationships.

It also showed me that my voice, opinions, preferences, and boundaries MATTER. In my efforts to be small and nice, I've completely missed so much of God's power and direction for me.

I would highly recommend this book to any Christian woman. Opinions, preferences, and boundaries are not just for men. Let's step up and step in to ALL God has for us.

[Millie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this as a friend recommended it. Thought it would be cringey due to the title, however, I was surprised how much I enjoyed this book. It challenges the concept of being ‘nice’ instead of having a biblical backbone in everyday scenarios. Definitely got me thinking!

[Brittany Weathers · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a better woman after having read this book and starting to apply its principles. Self bettering books can often be dry and boring and too much to comprehend. This one wasn’t like that for me. I shared several passages from it with friends. It will be one I re read from time to time. (:

[Elizabeth Cox · Rating 3 out of 5]

For decades now, Christian women have been told by our culture and church that being passive, people-pleasing and nice is how a Christian woman should act. This book shines a light onto these expectations and behaviors and how they are ultimately harmful to your spiritual journey, your relationships, and even your career.
The book explores how Jesus was gentle, compassionate, and wise but also firm, assertive, and even angry at times. This is the full picture of Jesus, and yet we've taken away parts of Him that make us uncomfortable or don't seem 'Christian-like' and apply that superficial 'niceness' to our lives. Culture has also placed gender norms on women and have told us how we should act and what we should think, limiting ourselves for the sake of being 'nice'. In this aspect the book is extremely insightful - it shows how much we value non-confrontation over doing the right thing.
The authors also present how this way of thinking and acting is harmful to our relationships, whether its family or a significant other. Passivity doesn't work in relationships and attracts abusers, manipulators and users.
All of these propositions are fully supported with examples of women in the Bible as well as other parts of Scripture. I appreciated how the authors also included behavioral science and biology to back up their claims.
The only chapter I had a problem with was the one about sex. I completely agreed with how many Christian women are either afraid of sex or have low self-esteem when it comes to sex, but I found the phrase of 'learning to enjoy it' is a potentially dangerous statement to make. Some people don't enjoy sex as much or do it for different reasons, so telling a women to 'learn to enjoy it' for the sake of satisfying her partner is a terrible idea to put into someone's head. Open communication is essential to a fulfilling relationship and the expectations of a sexual relationship must be openly discussed even before marriage honestly. I think a better idea is dispelling the fear and anxiety that can come from talking about sex and encouraging exploration to see what they want from their sexual relationship. And if a woman decides she doesn't really like sex, they should never be forced to like it or be pressured into doing it to please another - isn't that what the first 7 chapters were telling you? To not just do something because of social pressure or because of a false belief that you have to?
Other than that chapter I found the book to overall be helpful. It opens the door to productive self-examination and could potentially help so many women to become the person God wants them to be.
(Just a side note, the tone of the book at times was a bit odd - The timing of jokes was usually off and I think they could've written their Christian Nice Girl Example, Nicole, a bit more seriously. It felt a little too self-aware to take their story seriously.)
Overall I'd recommend reading but take it, like all things, with a grain of salt.

[Evelyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I recently read the book, No More Christian Nice Girl by Paul Coughlin and Jennifer D. Degler, PhD.

This is a hard one for me to review. I rarely find books that I don't like, but well, I found one in this. Don't get me wrong, I really like the idea behind the book, but I just don't feel it was presented well at all.

The idea behind the story is that Christian women tend to be too nice....we worry too much about saying "yes" to everyone, and don't know when to stand our ground. I'll give an amen to that, as I wholeheartedly agree! This book offers practical advice for learning to say no when we need to, and to worry ourselves more with being "good" and Christ-like, rather than nice. The life of Christ is illustrated to point out that Jesus was not ALWAYS nice, which is so true! He stood up to those who needed standing up to, and His words and actions were sometimes quite harsh. We, who call ourselves Christians, or followers of Christ, need to follow ALL of Jesus' example, not just the one-dimensional "nice guy" that we tend to see all of the time.

Now, I agree with all of it, and I appreciated the points made in this book. In fact, I could really use a self-help book just like this to help me learn to say no! My problem with this book is in the presentation of the idea. I felt that the authors spent too much time exhibiting sarcasm, and even immaturity as they made their points. For example, the talk of the woman in Samaria who was deemed unclean because of a "perpetual menstrual problem", as they wrote. Or the insinuation that when Jesus turned the water to wine, he was being a show off who encouraged drunkenness, but that we as Christians ignore that reality.

I'm going to give this book 2.5 stars, because I do think that the idea behind it is a great one. It just wasn't MY type.

[Christian Shelves · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though this book may not apply to all Christian women, it is certainly one that grabbed my attention as I often fall into the trap of acting like the nice Christian who does not want to cause waves. Thankfully, this book emphasized how and why this behaviour can be detrimental, not only to others, but to our faith as well. It's astounding to see how easily some falsehoods can creep into our conduct, such as the myth of being nice to avoid hurting feelings or the myth of taking on so much and acting like a martyr. I appreciated that the book referenced all of the facets of Jesus, including an entire appendix that highlights the occasions in which Jesus does not come across as “nice” in the Gospels.

The call to goodness over niceness is compelling, and after reading the book, I can already think of ways in my life in which I have allowed others to mistreat me or how I have hurt others over the long term in an attempt to avoid short-term pain. With chapters ranging from childhood to marriage and relationships to work, this book moves beyond self-help by pointing to how we need to emulate the fullness of Jesus in our lives, which includes His loving side but also His firm side. There were a lot of insights that I gained in No More Christian Nice Girl, including the origins of cattiness, the feminization of the church, and the need for humility over inspiration when it comes to lasting change. Anyone wanting to step beyond a demeanour of passivity or fear will find this book to be useful toward becoming a woman of strength and a more complete picture of Christlikeness.

Review link: https://christianshelves.blogspot.com...

[Deborah-Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Many young women who have grown up in the church culture are under the impression that they must constantly be nice to everyone. Here are some lies CNGs believe, "It's the 'Christian' thing to do to stick my neck out there for someone else", "Jesus would want me to be quiet and submissive", "It's impolite for a woman to take the reigns of leadership and squash a guy." Since God naturally wired women's brains to be more relationally bent and because women have been brought up in a culture that conditions them not to be too loud or outspoken, how do women navigate Biblical injunctions to let the man be the head of the household without sacrificing their own needs and desires? In this comprehensive book, Paul Coughlin and Jennifer Degler unpack how a woman can move beyond "nice" and into "good" in her marriage, her family, amongst her friends, and in her job. The book teaches us how pleasing God is guaranteed to offend some people, but ultimately how we need to entrust ourselves to our own unique calling. It reminds us to choose honesty over niceness, to be firm but gentle, and to walk with confidence and poise rather than with insecurity and fear. I recommend this book to any woman, because almost every woman struggles with these same things.

[David R. Melton · Rating 5 out of 5]

My wife and I read this book together. VERY STRONGLY RECOMMENDED. The book is direct yet humorous. It addresses certain ugly realities about pressures Christian women face which the church and church culture ill-prepares them to meet. It addresses concerns that being nice has superseded being good and is leaving disappointment, frustration and destruction of women, their marriages and their physical and emotional health in its wake.

It is designed for a group study, but we did the book as a couple. I suggest reading every chapter. Even the chapters that seemed irrelevant to us at the start had great insights which left BOTH of us to some self-re-examination.

If you are interested in answering the question of how much of your upbringing to be a nice, compliant, non-confrontational and peace-keeping woman is actually CHRISTIAN, read this book NOW.

[April Meisner · Rating 2 out of 5]

I stopped reading at page 56 when I realized a lot of this was written by a man. This book seems all over the place just as a reminder that Jesus sometimes had anger…

This book would be perfect for someone who is maybe more sheltered and struggles with people pleasing BECAUSE they feel convicted they aren’t being “Christ-like”. I don’t struggle with this so maybe that’s why it didn’t resonate.

It came off as a man who is trying his hardest to say he’s a feminist without calling himself one.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A solid primer for concepts such as boundaries, codependency, abusive relationships, and healthy self-image. Each chapter needs a book of its own to fully delve into the subject, and luckily, many authors have written those exact books from Christian perspectives. This is an excellent starting point.

[GShi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ooo, this book did have some great toe stepper/eye opener moments! The authors gave practical applications and stories to help navigate how to get out of "nice, doormat" girl into a GOOD, Godly one!

Now, I do suggest reading the Bible and doing some deep studying for yourself too, because you need to check context with the content.

Overall, great read!

[Bobbie Monroe Boyne · Rating 4 out of 5]

My favorite line sums up this book… We are called to be the salt of the earth. Not the sugar. Being Sickly sweet people pleaser because you think that’s what it means to be a Christian woman is not doing anyone any good and it’s probably harming your witness more than helping it.

[Fran · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book. I still have my copy of it.

[Stacy Boyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book the importance of setting boundaries in love.

[Heather Menzies · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wish I read this book 10 years ago. I feel more empowered and confident after reading this book. There are many great lessons, all referenced from the bible.

[Liza Tucker · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good premise, but needs to go deeper.

[Yiya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Today, we face the realities of a "social church" that seldom faces facts, acts in the sweetest way possible to "be a good witness," and likes sermons and ways that are soft, delicate and sweet, just because someone is Christian. As a result, many good-intentioned women end up trying to please everyone else but themselves, accomplishing nothing more than becoming a doormat for those who like abusing others. As a consequence, even the own identity is lost and life becomes a constant struggle, resulting in frustrated and broken relationships.

This is the reality the authors say drove them to write this book. Both are experienced counselors, and it shows both, in their biblically-found advice and in their easy narration. Yes, you might find yourself soaring through the truths, jokes and challenges, while you learn that assertive, respectful and graceful words (somewhat surprising, but sincere) are more powerful than nice ones (those expected and wanted), even if this might result "offensive" to those who like to use women. It might be a challenge, but as the authors put it, confrontation will lead into intimacy and better relations.

This book is very easy to read; the authors have a relaxed and straightforward way that invites the reader to go on. However, I found myself identified with some situations and had to take a pause and ponder about it before reading on, and this does not happen to me with any book, which is another fact I liked about this one. I even read some chapters twice.

A great asset, at the end of each chapter, the authors include a series of questions that might be used for study in small groups or for personal reflection. They also invite the reader to go to certain verses in the Bible and study how the principle they expose is seen or applied in that specific portion. Another plus is Nicole, a fictional character that exemplifies the situations described in each chapter; by the end of the book, you can see her learning to be a different person, with authentic (not socially accepted) love for God, for herself and others. The best part of her process is that she gets closer to God and becomes a better witness of His love.

I would not doubt in recommending this book. However, I must also include a word of caution: this is a very good book, so good that I have to add the reader must always have in mind that it is not the maximum authority on how to build a Christian character; that's what the Bible is for. I wonder - if Christians stepped up, studied the Bible and applied the teachings it includes, this book might not be needed and the authors be out of work!

I received a complimentary copy of this book from Bethany House Publishers for review, but this does not bias my opinion on the book nor the authors.

[Amydeanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

" Why Can’t I get this right? I just feel stuck and stupid. And All I’m doing is trying to be nice! "

This book touches on a lot of subjects that I think we, “Christian Nice Girls” struggle with. And as they state “no, we don’t have camera’s in your house” but it sure seems like it as I read the book! LOL From friendship, to marriage and family, Paul Coughlin and Jennifer Degler discuss how being “too” nice can actually harm you and drain the life out of you.

Now, don’t get it wrong, they aren’t saying we should be mean, but they really show the other sides of Christ and that he wasn’t all “happy and fluffy” the way we sometimes perceive Him to be or overdo the WWJD and the assumption that he would sweep the incident under the carpet *cough cough* This book is a way to improve your faith and become authentic in Christ instead of living in an un-achievable persona that often gets thrown on us.

I really found the chapter about our childhood particulary interesting (chapter 3), and how that affects our responses in our life. Other topics covered are Nice vs good, friendship and family, dating, marriage, sex, work, social and cultural pressures.

I like that they give check lists in this book to go through. You can ask yourself the questions and see if you fall into the catagories, or if you have issues with certain things. It breaks it down in to a variety of areas so it’s not just all clumped together. The questions at the end of the chapter were also good – they can help us dig into the real issues behind our problems of being “too nice” and how to handle the situations. I also appreciate the appendix at the back where they call it the “Not so Nice” Jesus in the gospels – where Jesus was assertive and firm. I think it’s important for us to acknowledge those parts as I think sometimes we are taught that Jesus was always “turning the other cheek”.

I think they sum it up nicely in the end with “learning how to be God’s Good Woman is far more important… It’s challenging to look at what’s really behind the plastic, passive niceness that passes for Christianity in many women’s lives, and than to boldly choose to be authentic instead.” I’ll say a big AMEN to that! It’s getting harder and harder and I need all the help I can get!

This book is easy to read; you won’t get caught up on technical phchological mumbo jumbo — instead you’ll be able to work on yourself and perhaps strengthen your relationship with Christ and become more like the woman he created you to be!


*review copy provided.

[Sela · Rating 5 out of 5]

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book for ALL women to read again and again!, September 10, 2010

This review is from: No More Christian Nice Girl: When Just Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts You, Your Family, and Your Friends (Paperback)
Do you feel like you're a nice girl but you have nothing to show for it? Do you feel like you just get trampled in relationships of all kinds? Do you feel like you try so hard to be nice to everyone only to have unfulfilling relationships with most everyone? You don't have to!!

The premise of this book is stated in the subtitle: When just being nice - instead of good - hurts you, your family and your friends.

We are taught, or at least think we are, that being nice is what is expected of us as Christians. Yet, is that really what Jesus taught? Is that really what God wants from us? The authors make the point that we need to be more like the 360-degree Jesus, who was salty and sweet, not just sweet all the time. The book covers several outside influences that have lead to this problem of CNG (Christian Nice Girls) and provides examples from the bible of God's Good Women that were not nice, but were definitely good.

The authors do an excellent job of keeping what could be a heavy topic light and yet makes you pause and think about your life and how you behave in all types of situations. The book was easy to read and yet provided enough practical information that I'm still working through a lot of it in my own mind. It's a book that I could read every year or so and get something more out of it (or maybe just a few pointed reminders).

Not only did it provide practical information, but it also provided scripture to back up it's points. The authors encourage you to read the bible for yourself and also seek out others who will help you on your road out of "Nice Girl City", which really helped their credibility.

No matter your stage of life or whether you think you fall into this trap of being nice instead of good (I didn't think I did, but boy was I wrong!), this is an excellent read. Great to read by yourself, but it would also make an excellent study for a small group of women who are interested in growing their relationships with Jesus and with each other.

I received this book free from Bethany House Publishers book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

[Christy Trever · Rating 5 out of 5]

No More Christian Nice Girl by Paul Coughlin & Jennifer D. Degler is the companion volume to No More Christian Nice Guy for men. Christian girls and women are raised to always be kind, quiet, and modest. There is an expectation that they never show anger or strong emotion, because they are supposed to be perfect. The authors explain that the perfect woman is occasionally angry, and that while we are to model our lives on Jesus', he wasn't always nice. Jesus was often angry and spoke harsh words to people, but only when they had it coming. Coughlin and Degler use Jesus' life on earth as their model for women to speak up for themselves, stop swallowing their angry and avoiding conflict and becoming doormats. I read a lot of devotionals over the course of a year, and while they are often encouraging, it is the rare book that actually inspires me to begin changing me life AND leaves a lasting impact long after I've finished reading it. Just like many Christian women, I have kept quiet when my feelings were hurt, took on co-worker's workloads to "help" out, said yes when I really meant no, and allowed people to walk all over me in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings, all because I wanted to be a good Christian woman. What I discovered in this book is that I haven't been a good Christian woman at all. A good Christian woman allows others to take responsibility for their own actions and addresses the issue when someone hurts them, even if it does create conflict. Jesus didn't avoid speaking the truth to the Pharisees to keep from hurting their feelings, and neither should we! A quiz is included that will help readers determine what areas of their life they are too nice in, and chapters are broken up into sections like work, family, marriage, and even sex for easy reference. It's written with a lightly humorous touch to keep it from becoming too heavy, and is endlessly encouraging. Since reading it, I've been making a lot of changes in my life in how I interact with people and I anticipate that will truly bring about long-term change. I also plan on passing it on to a few women in my life who I know need it just as much I as do!

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Oh man, I have so many thoughts about this book. I picked it up because it was $2 for the Kindle version one day, and it sounded like a good book to help me mentor girls in campus ministry. College gals hate saying no, suffer from a deep need for approval, struggle with being people pleasers, and oftentimes don't understand the concept of boundaries. Plus, I used to struggle with those same things a lot (still do to a small extent) and thought it would help me grow, too.

This book is like a gold mine in the most literal sense of the simile.

There are really great nuggets of truth, tools to put into practical use, and biblical backing for a lot of the book. But you may have to sort through a lot of dirt and rocks to get to them.

I particularly was unsettled by the chapter on work. Parts of it I thought were on-mark, but other parts of it felt like the male author was telling women they need to discard their womanly relationship-building skills and "man-up" to be successful in the workplace. I don't think that's necessarily a helpful or biblical response.

I could also see some women having a hard time with the sex chapter. Honestly I sort of skimmed that one because I don't feel like I'm meek in my communication about sex with my husband, so the material didn't feel relevant to me.

The other thing that was hard was some of it was just. so. cheesy. They employed the use of a "Let's meet our Christian Nice Girl. Her name is Nicole. This is what her life is like." with updates on Nicole after each chapter. I can see how it might be helpful for some women to see how a real person might apply the principles in each chapter, but to me, it was just a little twee.

BUT there were a lot of good things in there. So... final consensus: read with a discerning eye. You don't have to agree with everything the author says, so read it, gather the usable, helpful stuff, then discard the rest. It's definitely written for women who struggle a lot with "nice girl syndrome," so it might be better for someone who hasn't already had a lot of growth in that area.

[Kelsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

“No More Christian Nice Girl” addresses the mistaken belief some Christian women hold that Jesus was always a meek and mild individual who never made waves. This belief leads some women to be compliant, people-pleasing push-overs in the name of being Christ-like. The book helps to point out that, while Jesus did have a gentle side, he also had a very bold side to him as well. After all, look at how he spoke to groups like the Pharisees and how he drove people out of the temple for making a place of worship into a place of business. Jesus wasn’t afraid of offending people or making waves. He took a bold stance, and stood up for what He believed in. This book provides practical solutions to help women become confident, make right choices, and speak up despite the short-term discomfort it might cause themselves or others. These women recognize that sometimes saying and doing the right thing may be difficult but they do it anyway because it is the right thing to do. They overcome the “nice” tendency to avoid conflict, remain compliant, and to tell people what they want to hear. They are kind and gracious, yet truthful and do not say yes to things they shouldn’t. They also do not allow people to walk all over them by being doormats. This book helps women to recognize how being “nice” instead of “good” can hurt them, their family, and other relationships.

[Brenda · Rating 4 out of 5]

No More Christian Nice Girl tackles the problem so many women have. As young girls we are taught early on to be helpers, always smile and be nice whether you feel like it or not, after all sugar and spice and everything nice is what little girls are made of right?Then we grow into young women and we kinda carry that into adulthood. We sort of get trapped into saying yes to whatever is ask of us whether we have the time to do it or not. Heck I always believed that if I said No that I might get labeled mean or Not Nice.
This book really made me rethink my priorities, I think that sometimes if we are to nice we set ourselves up to be taken advantage of.This book does a great job of showing women that its OK to say no. I really enjoyed all aspects of this book and found the study questions at the end of each chapter very helpful.
This is one of those must read books for women of any age . If you have ever fallen into the trap of always saying yes even when you really want to say no and need to figure out how to break out of the yes "box" then this book is for you.
I was provided a copy of this book for review by Bethany House publishing for my honest review.

[Janelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a brief guide to assertiveness for Christian women who have spent their lives trying to be nice and care for others, to their own neglect. It had some good things to say, although I've heard quite a lot of it before, and to be honest, in more helpful materials than this. I found that No More Christian Nice Girl made the process of developing assertiveness sound too simplistic and easy: follow abc, relationships will be better, and you will live in a way that pleases God.
While it gives an appendix with advice for abused women, and touches on some causes of “nice” behaviour, such as child abuse, it doesn't provide much advice for those with deeper problems in this area. Instead the authors wisely suggest that readers with such issues seek professional help. My recommendation to most women is use this book as a starting point to exploring this issue. For those who have anxiety or depression or who sense that their difficulties with assertiveness run deeper, I suggest you look to other resources.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok, the book won’t turn you into a pariah. But you will get wisdom and practical steps to help you navigate sticky relationship issues. And learn that assertiveness is kind to you and others.

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was wonderful, it was used for a study guide in two groups I am in and I know we all discovered that our boundaries in life need to be more firmly implanted in our life as a Christian.
You don't have to be a Christian to find something worthwhile in this book, because the strength of the life of Christ and his working with disciples and his decisions are a wonderful example. There is a No More Christian Nice Guys also, which I hope to read also....

[Judith Noameshie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't know I would like the book as much as I did.

I wasn't sure if I needed to read this book or not, but I sure am glad I did! this book helped me identify that I also had the CNG syndrome. I like how the authors talked about the signs of the syndrome in different settings. And showing the reader who Jesus really was. thank you. This should be made available in every church.

[destiny :) ( inactive bc of school ) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book shows young girls and women how to deal with conflict, opinions, boundaries, relationships, and explains difference in being
"nice" towards people rather than being good. It explains how instead of being a "Christian Nice Girl" you can be more of a authentic, powerful woman who acts on situations as Jesus would. I find it very helpful in applying good habits in life as a young christian who is lacking in some areas

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don't read this if you think Jesus was a one dimensional "nice guy." The authors challenge the culture that has created the soft, passive, feminine side of Christ and dismissed over 20% of Gospel accounts. These Biblical accounts depict a challenging, abrupt, sometimes "in your face" Jesus who was a threat to the religious leaders of his time.