To Those Who Have Confused You to Be a Person: Words as Violence and Stories of Women's Resistance Online

by Alia Dastagir

An urgently needed reckoning with the harassment and abuse women face on the internet, featuring deep reporting on how women are surviving the trauma—by an award-winning reporter

When Alia Dastagir published a story for USA Today as part of an investigation into child sexual abuse, she became the target of an online mob launched by QAnon and encouraged by Donald Trump, Jr. Although female journalists, politicians, academics, and influencers are attacked online most often, all women online experience hate, profoundly harming not only the individual woman but also society. In To Those Who Have Confused You to Be a Person, Dastagir uses critical analysis from psychologists, sociologists, neuroscientists, technologists, and philosophers to offer a deep and intimate look at what women experience during online abuse, as well as how they cope and make meaning out of violence.

Dastagir weaves in her story with those of thirteen other women, including a comedian who uses feminist humor to subvert her harassment and an OB/GYN who channels anger over her abuse to fight attacks on reproductive rights. Dastagir explores why language online cannot be ignored, how it damages bodies, when it triggers and traumatizes, and why women’s responses are so varied. She analyzes why people across the ideological spectrum abuse others online and how abuse and disinformation intersect. She argues that although online abuse is often viewed as rooted exclusively in misogyny, it also connects to white-supremacist systems.

To Those Who Have Confused You to Be a Person is the book on online abuse for this cultural moment, when being online is a daily necessity for so many, even as people grow ever more polarized. This nuanced examination will empower women to raise their voices against the forces bent on silencing them.

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction, Audiobook

304 pages, Hardcover

Published February 25, 2025

About the author

Alia Dastagir is an award-winning journalist and former reporter for USA Today who frequently covers gender and mental health. Dastagir was one of eight U.S. recipients of the prestigious Rosalynn Carter Fellowships for Mental Health Journalism. She won a first-place National Headliner Award for a series on suicide and was awarded the American Association of Suicidology’s Public Service Journalism Award. Her book on women and online abuse, “To Those Who Have Confused You to Be a Person: Words as Violence and Stories of Women’s Resistance Online,” was published by Crown in 2025. She has an MFA in creative writing from NYU, where she was an Axinn fellow.

Reviews

[Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Powerful book about women’s experiences of virtual violence and harassment. I appreciated one of Alia Dastagir’s main themes of how virtual violence against women needs to be taken seriously and isn’t just a matter of “ignore it” or “don’t pay attention to it.” She makes a point to name intersectionality especially in regard to race and Black women’s experiences of virtual harassment. The book contained intriguing and nuanced sections about the benefits and drawbacks of counterspeak (i.e., publicly responding to and rebutting your abuser’s online hate) as well as how women can also mistreat and harm other women online.

There were times where the writing felt a bit dry or formulaic in like a, here’s a phenomenon, now I’ll describe some Psychology research to unpack the effects of such phenomenon, rinse and repeat. That said, this book covers an obviously important and all-too-pertinent topic in today’s digital age.

[Christy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book delivers validation that violence online is harmful and needs to be disrupted, not ignored. It asks important questions about mutual responsibility, sustainability and healing as motives for a rebuilding of online spaces.

[J Kromrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to the publisher and Netgalley for this eARC.

“Words as Violence and Stories of Women's Resistance Online” isn’t just a subtitle—it’s the heartbeat of a searing, clear-eyed reckoning.

In this profoundly unsettling and deeply affirming work, journalist Alia Dastagir dismantles the myth that online space is neutral terrain. To Those Who Have Confused You to Be a Person is equal parts exposé, ethnography, and elegy—a testimonial of what happens when a woman speaks, resists, or even exists online, and how digital aggression replicates centuries-old patterns of silencing.

Dastagir doesn't offer easy catharsis. Instead, she weaves together chilling accounts of harassment with sharp cultural analysis, making the digital experiences of women—and particularly women of color, queer women, and other marginalized voices—impossible to ignore or depersonalize. The book exposes the brutality that often masquerades as “speech,” asking not just what harm looks like online, but whom society believes has the right to inflict it.

📌 Key Strengths:

- Narrative Intimacy Meets Journalistic Precision: With the clarity of a reporter and the compassion of a memoirist, Dastagir crafts a book that’s both rigorously sourced and emotionally immediate. Each chapter unspools personal testimony without reducing women to victims or tokens.

- Linguistic Violence, Unmasked: She interrogates the premise that language online is consequence-free. Whether it's trolling, doxxing, or “joking,” words become weapons—and Dastagir shows how these harms are unevenly distributed along gendered and racialized lines.

- Resistance that Refuses to Be Quiet: This isn’t a book of despair. It’s a war cry. Stories of defiance, survival, and solidarity course through its pages, reframing resistance not as heroic grandeur, but as daily insistence on one’s own humanity.

- A Structural Gaze: What separates this work from others on digital harassment is its systemic lens. Rather than simply naming bad behavior, it implicates institutions—from social media platforms to the law itself—in sustaining harm through inaction or complicity.

👤 Who This Book Is For:

- Readers of Roxane Gay, Rebecca Solnit, and Safiya Noble, who crave fierce intellect with unflinching honesty
- Activists and educators seeking language to name and challenge digital misogyny
- Anyone who’s ever wondered, “Why doesn’t she just log off?

Dastagir’s book is not comfortable. It’s not meant to be. But it is essential. In naming the violence many would rather dismiss or scroll past, To Those Who Have Confused You to Be a Person asserts the radical idea that women are not abstractions or usernames—they are people. And when they speak, it is not noise. It is truth.

[Gabby Cohen · Rating 5 out of 5]

“at first I did not call what was happening violence. I didn’t know what to call it. We have heard thjs problem called many words: online abuse, online harassment, online hate. Sometimes we don’t name it. Maybe because it’s so bad, the names we have dont feel like enough, or maybe because we think what happened to us is not so bad, compared to what has happened to other women.”

This book is a necessary read for anyone who is living in the times where words are used as violence, which is to say, everyone. Dastagirs expertise as a journalist, mother, and woman who both reported on and experienced her own forms of violence has written a chronicle of that lived experience that touches all of our lives. Hate against women is connected to structural oppression of all forms and in times when our world feels like it is crumbling, this is work that can give us hope. The world is lucky to have Dastagir’s voice among it.

Also, the title is impeccable! From a horrible hate message the author received in response to a story she wrote online. What has the world come to? And yet.

[soph · Rating 5 out of 5]

extraordinarily relevant, poignant, and well-researched. dastagir does a wonderful job creating emotional space for the stories of all the women she interviewed and synthesizing research from a variety of fields to explain the contours of online violence against women, how women cope with it, and how the internet's own architecture has facilitated such widespread misogynistic backlash to women simply speaking about the issues that matter to them. deeply depressing and i think the conclusion was a bit flip-floppy on what can be done about it, but this also isn't necessarily that type of book, and i think the true answer to combatting it can be found in other books- entitled by kate manne, doppelganger by naomi klein, and surveillance capitalism by shoshana zuboff come to mind as books that analyze hierarchies of violence both in person and online. overall a fantastic and surprisingly emotional read.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book examines the harassment women deal with online and the various ways they combat it. The author interviews those who have dealt with abuse on the internet while weaving in her own story as well as various ways women have confronted or handled their treatment. Some of the stories were truly heart-breaking, but knowing there are women who refuse to stop speaking out no matter what was inspiring.

Dastagir's writing managed to impart facts without being dry or boring. There was emotion in the words and you could feel the respect Dastagir had for those featured in the book. I hope the author as well as those interviewed in the book are doing well and still out there sharing their experiences because this work is important. I just hate that anyone has ever had to deal with this kind of harassment.

[Theresa Dietrich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dastagir delivers prose that is as personally devastating as it is politically powerful -- the writing here is beautiful and pleasurable even when the subject matter is grim. This book embodies the visceral terror of our political moment and Dastigir invites us bravely and unflinchingly into the ways that terror shows up in her own life as body, as well as the lives of other women, ultimately offering an imaginative and empowering vision for survival. Edifying, beautiful, brutal -- a must-read for anyone seeking truth, hope, and a way forward.

[vanessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite well done. It’s written in a very approachable manner and focuses on a variety of women’s stories, which feel immediate and real. But it doesn’t just tell their stories, it’s still analytical and offers smart commentary about misogyny as it translates on the internet. I still don’t know what is best: ignoring or confronting. But the internet is just another place women are harassed in our world. This is a good companion to the book I read called Nobody’s Victim by Carrie Goldberg, which is mentioned in the text.

[Zach Church · Rating 4 out of 5]

A well-reported look at online harassment and abuse toward women, one that easily dispatches useless solutions ("Ignore it." "Just log off.") and instead collects and catalogs solid, research-backed tools for combating abuse. Each chapter is anchored in a real story and examined through a review of research and interviews with excerpts. There are parts that are very hard to read but the book never lingers on pain any longer than necessary to make the point at hand. Highly recommended for anybody who is online in any way.

[Jamie Park · Rating 5 out of 5]

Somehow this book is beautiful even while it describes the terrible realities of being a woman online. I have a gender neutral name and I have found that I do better online when I use my husband's picture. But that makes it harder to connect with other women.
I have recently stepped away from social media and I wish I didn't have to.
I just want to thank you for writing this book and letting these women share these sadly relatable stories.

[Alanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started listening to this audiobook a few days ago and highly recommend it. Alia infuses her writing, interviews and research with compassion, shared learning, strength and honesty. I’m so thankful Alia wrote this book, sharing important lived experiences and learnings with all of us.

[Danielle Daloia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written insightful and impactful book. The stories of online abuse and violence shared are deeply disturbing, making it one of those books that keep you thinking about it long after you have finished reading it.

[Michael Khoo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've just started this and can't put it down. So beautifully written and such tough stories.

[Hannah Meyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible. Everyone should read this!

[Molly Scharlin Ben-Hamoo · Rating 5 out of 5]

A deftly written and urgently needed book. Alia D’Astagir is a writer to watch and a feminist voice against the grave dangers of censorship that we need now more than ever. A must read!

[Melissa L · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won this book and really enjoyed it. My teenage daughter also read and thought it was good.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an important book at this critical time. Incredibly well written. Highly recommended!

[Jordan Gilbert · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was such a powerful read and something we need to be talking about! I loved the format and how she wove in her personal experiences with those of other women and research. I also loved that she compiled the advice in a toolkit at the end. Online abuse of all forms needs to be dealt with and I think this book is excellent as part of that conversation.