The Cost of Fear: Why Most Safety Advice Is Sexist and How We Can Stop Gender-Based Violence

by Meg Stone

Personal safety shouldn’t mean avoiding danger or living in fear

A self-defense helps women and others targeted for gender-based violence discern fact from fiction and improve their personal safety in ways that support social change

There are two kinds of safety those that disrupt power structures and those that leave them unquestioned. Gender-based violence is a social and political problem, but it’s often enacted in the most intimate spheres of our lives. 

In this book, nationally recognized leader in abuse prevention Meg Stone debunks baseless advice we get about personal safety. Tips like “don’t go shopping alone” and “don’t wear a ponytail” are not based on any evidence, but that doesn’t stop police officers and other men in authority from telling women to restrict our lives.

Sharing stories from a Black transgender woman building a grassroots group to defend her community, to a would-be Taekwondo Olympian fighting back in the courts, to a pharmaceutical scientist fighting back in the lab, Stone argues there are two opposing philosophies of how to make people safer, one of which exacerbates victim-blame (safety through compliance) and the other challenges it (safety through resistance). 

Stone gives readers practical strategies for keeping themselves and their loved ones safer in ways that that affirm their right to be full participants in social, political and professional life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Social Justice, Psychology, Audiobook, Health, Womens

232 pages, Hardcover

Published February 25, 2025

Reviews

[Sunny Lu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Feminist self defense as resistance as opposed to compliance is so important to me and now I want feminist self defense classes that I fear do not exist around me

I really liked this!!!!! Excited to discuss with my lesbian feminist book club :)

[imaani · Rating 5 out of 5]

need a physical copy for my library! i love the emphasis on self defense classes vs. feminist self defense classes; such an insightful read.

[marisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

a deep dive into the confusing and sexist way society promotes “self-defense” of rape to women confusingly and devastating derailed by an anecdote written to try to get readers to sympathize with a grandfather who raped his three granddaughters multiple times, went to jail, was released, stayed married to the grandmother whom the girls confided in, then asked his family to “watch his behavior” so he could still see his granddaughters but “it’s okay because they weren’t pressured to see him” (the whole family should have gone no contact as this clearly implied he still had urges but they used god as an excuse)

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

My cousin wrote this excellent book about feminist self-defense and preventing sexual harassment and assault. (So yes I’m biased but let me be biased!)

My favorite part was the breakdowns of typical safety advice women (and other vulnerable people) are offered and the sheer impossibility (and insanity) if one were to actually attempt to follow them all. As Meg writes, we’d all be going around in only daylight, with shaved heads and hard-to-take-off onesies (and people would still be harassed and assaulted!)

My other favorite part was hearing about the way self-defense programs have been adapted for different communities that tend to be targeted for gender-based violence, in order to be more relevant for them specifically.

[Ikra Anwar · Rating 3 out of 5]

The stories of the women that the author brings to light are a tough and good read. The analysis of how harmful current safety advice is equally fantastic. The advice she gives is in my opinion probably good, though I am not sure it is always the right advice.

The biggest issue is that I think you could read the introduction of this book and get 90% of the value. A lot of the book feels like filler. The introduction is admittedly really fantastic and a great overview of the topic.

I agree with the author in that it is frustrating how willing we are as a society to “solve” sexual violence by restricting and policing women’s appearance behavior, even by well meaning sources, even when there’s no evidence it helps them. I am happy that she, and many others who are featured in this book, are trying to find a better way.

[Emmaby Barton Grace · Rating 4 out of 5]

really enjoyed this one! a great mix of practical advice, evidence-based research, and case studies but also had nuance and intersectionality throughout

some general interesting/main points
- gender-based violence is rooted in patriarchy - even when men/non-binary people are targeted, it is often because they are not masculine enough/not conforming to gender norms etc.
- when under threat we often freeze - by learning self-defence, we can make this become an unconscious habit that we can default to without thinking about it: “self-defence training can make resisting a habit”
- perpetrators are not exceptional and it is dangerous to think of them as such - they are everyday people like us - “All I knew about this guy was what Roxanne had told me—the times he’d tried to strangle her, the hateful words, the threats. So I found it disconcerting to see him hold up his end of a normal conversation.”
- rape costs an estimated $1.1 trillion dollars for the state each year - and another 2 trillion by the individual/employer etc - and this doesn’t even include the cost of fear - “there is an invisible trail of missed opportunities, of extra labor we perform. vigilance… mental energy… inhibits activism“
- “The cost of fear is change that comes slower than it needs to and change agents who are exhausted from constant vigilance.”
- rethinking how we view our beliefs/contesting opinions - “I love testing my ideas against those of another smart person. Whether or not my opinion changes, debates like these help me make sure I have a clear rationale for anything I teach.”
- when we encounter political statements contradicting our beliefs, our brain reacts like we are in danger - our brains are wired to protect beliefs tied to our identities because being part of a group was important for our survival as hunter-gatherers - this might explain why we are less willing/able to consider the abuse of institutions/people we value (e.g., church)
- the difficulty of subtle violations - “Subtle violations like this one put us at odds with ourselves. They drive a wedge between our gut-level understanding that something is wrong and the reportable facts that may sound petty when we say them out loud. But, as you learned in that self-defense class, subtle intrusions test the water. They show someone who is capable of abusing what happens when lines are crossed. Are people too afraid or embarrassed to challenge them? Does anyone feel safe speaking up?”
- impacts of jobs/environments like the olympics/professional athletes, military, homes for people with disabilities, inpatient mental health centres, actors - where people are trained to say yes without question, to push body to its limits, to listen to those in positions of power etc
- “it only sounds impossible because we don’t have the will to invest in it.”
- a really poignant quote for me: “People want to talk about the talent of these men who engage in this behavior,” Liz tells me. “But how much talent are they costing the arts? By the people they drive away?” - arguments are always about how oh but this perpetrator is so talented/gets us so much money etc etc - but a) why is that more important than people and b) what about all the money/talent they are also costing ?
- “Small moments of resistance alone cannot bring about systemic change, but systemic change is impossible without them.”
- ‘safety’ advice geared towards middle/upper class white women -> fear of poor people/poc etc.

the importance of listening to research
- appreciated the emphasis on questioning where information comes from - what is the evidence to back it up? versus just taking for granted os much of the information shared online (e.g., don’t wear a ponytail) - and appreciated this was done throughout the book through citing lots of studies also
- much of this advice that is not evidence based is well-intentioned - either put on the pages unquestioned and assuming it is correct/helpful and/or wanting to give people immediate actions they can take to feel more safe/in control - but this isn’t good enough reasons to spread misinformation - and more importantly is a way of women feeling safer/more in control without actually threatening the system, as well as placing the responsibility if anything does happen on these women for not taking the advice/being ‘good’
- “fighting back does not increase a person’s chances of serious injury”
- there is no evidence that safety through compliance (restricting how we behave etc) makes us safer, and is not relevant to most gender-based violence (from people you know v strangers)
- woman have not become safer despite all the progress/awareness that has been made
- programs targeting bystanders don’t tend to have huge impacts on behaviour
- changing the environment = effective way of changing behaviour
- “women who resisted did not sustain injuries after fighting back. Their research also found that multiple types of resistance were effective at reducing rape—forceful physical self-defense, yelling, and running away. The only strategy not associated with reduced rates of rape was arguing, reasoning, pleading, or cooperating.”
- but also recognising that for marginalised groups that are often highly targeted but not represented in research, the current evidence may not apply/be relevant to them, and to listen to community leaders etc.

not about putting the burden on women, but about giving them the choice/options
- “This is something you could do, not something you should do, or should have done. Resisting victim blame is as crucial as resisting violence.”
- “I don’t want to put the burden of stopping rape on teenage girls. But options don’t have to be burdens. We can give people the skills to protect their bodies without making them responsible for someone else’s decision to harm them. And we can do this without diminishing the experiences of survivors for whom fighting back was not an option.”
- “it’s easy to accept that working to change the conditions that cause the problem and giving people the skills to save themselves are two necessary parts of the same solution”
- “But just because you didn’t cause it doesn’t mean you can’t do something to interrupt it.”
- “Other people’s violence is not your fault. But that doesn’t have to mean there is nothing you can do about it. There are practical strategies that can keep you safer that don’t perpetuate stereotypes or stigma. You don’t have to restrict your life or diminish yourself to use them.”

working within the system v changing the system v other forms of resistance
- “She hasn’t given up on changing the system, but she doesn’t see it as a viable option for most of the women she helps.”
- e.g., reporting doesn’t always help, not everyone can trust the institutions that are supposed to help, can be more immediate/practical
- some really interesting real-life examples - Friends of Sarah (mentoring/support to keep women in stem)
- “Embracing self-defense doesn’t mean giving up on legal and political change. What it means is knowing when not to depend on institutions or the law for our immediate safety. The systems we’ve fought for decades to change are reliable and unreliable. They are so much better than they were for previous generations and they’re no different than they’ve always been. Changing laws and attitudes is essential to preventing gender-based violence but also inadequate. Because gender-based violence is intimate and personal, strategies for stopping this violence need to be intimate and personal too.”
- barriers you run into when trying to work within the system - e.g., victim advocates: “But as victim advocacy, police training, and community response programs proliferated across the country, the oversight structures and political alliances that made systems-change work effective were diluted. As a result, advocates in other cities and towns operated in these systems without institutional power, their roles often dictated by police officers and judges. Kim calls this phenomenon “carceral creep,” the gradual and sometimes imperceptible eroding of activists’ power and influence until they became subordinate to police officers and prosecutors.”

prison abolition and transformative justice
- required registration for sex offenders has no impact on recidivism - a way of making it seem like being tough on crime without actually achieving anything - punishment alone does not help; instead there must be therapeutic treatment etc. - nor does it change anything for the countless offenders who will never be charged, and ignores nuances like those who are tried as children, are victims themselves, have been charged for crimes like public urination or nudity
- it also isn’t in-line with what victims want - victims are often more intreated in rehabilitation than retribution for offenders e.g., mental health/substance use treatment, violence prevention, youth programs, to admit and explain why they offended, to feel remorse
- “Sex offender registries create a class of abusers that we’re willing to throw away. We don’t care if they can’t keep a job or if they become homeless because they can’t find an apartment that is the required number of feet away from every playground or school. We can hate them. And by hating them we can demonstrate how serious we are about protecting children. That we’re not soft or easily fooled. We know better than to trust them when they tell us they can change. This kind of harsh, simple justice takes away our agency, and maybe some part of us wants our agency gone. Applying nuance to something as horrendous as child sexual abuse is scary. There are too many possible wrong decisions. There’s not enough evidence to show us what works, and even when we have good evidence, no guarantee that we can stop everyone. There are reasons why locking someone up for a decade or more and then branding them for life has widespread support. But for every registered sex offender, there are dozens, maybe hundreds, of other people who have sexually abused—people no district attorney will ever try, no judge or jury will “ever convict, people who maintain their positions as respected religious leaders, or talented athletes, or beloved fathers and uncles.”
- the current criminal justice system does not promote healing for offenders or victims - indeed, it often leaves victims more/retraumatised
- transformative justice: led by poc, aims to reduce harm/improve safety/hold people accountable in communities without involving police/prisons
- “On the most fundamental level, knowing that rape is ubiquitous in prisons, how could anyone see putting people in prison as a strategy to stop rape?”
- “So if our endgame is to end rape, what logical sense does it make to shove people who are already raped as kids and suffering and disconnected from their own humanity and needing connection and needing a healing of their deep shame and their deep wounds, what sense does it make to put them in a cage in which they are very certain to, at the very least, witness more rape happening, perhaps experience more rape themselves, and perhaps go on to rape more people while in that cage?” Amita asks. “[And] because you don’t get a life sentence for raping a child, release them back on the streets of our society? Do you want to live in that society? I don’t. That does not make me feel safer.”
- “These are crucial questions. Weighing them takes more bravery, compassion, discernment, and risk tolerance than most of us have. But if we don’t struggle with them, we’re going to keep taking a subset of people who sexually abuse and declaring them irredeemably evil. Then, we’re going to subject them to the most humiliating forms of exclusion and shaming, disregarding overwhelming evidence that these efforts don’t prevent future abuse. “Nobody changes behavior from feeling ashamed,” Amita tells me. “Because shame is an isolating response. It is an othering response. It is like, You’re a monster, you go over there. Being shamed in a way that strips people of humanity is always wrong.”

resistance needs to be community-led, bottom-up, and intersectional
- the importance of culturally safe self-defence etc programs - taught by those within the community/community leaders, about issues relevant to that community, accessible, from people with similar life experiences…
- also the importance of individualised treatment/empowerment protocols - meet people where they are at, what works for them etc.
- “One of the reasons self-defense felt possible to Hind was how she learned it—from someone who shares her life experience. She is the only Muslim self-defense teacher in her predominantly white networks, and that can be a barrier. “The way to make it more accessible,” Hind says, “is to have, like, a thousand of me.”
- “Shanda Poitra was one of only two Indigenous women in the class. Most of the other students, she tells me, were nineteen-year-old white women who grew up in farm towns near the university. In a lot of ways the curriculum was built for them, focused on sexual assaults at fraternity parties on campus”
- the importance of intersectionality and considering barriers specific to individual/group contexts (e.g., examples about janitors and indigenous women): “The main finding of the Defending Self-Defense report is that the most stigmatized survivors were put in an impossible position: they couldn’t get help from the police or social service agencies. Because they couldn’t trust the institutions that were supposed to help them, the violence escalated to the point where their lives were in danger. And because their lives were in danger, they had no choice but to hurt or kill the person abusing them… Some survivors couldn’t call the police because they were involved in criminalized activities like sex work or drug use. Other times racist and transphobic violence that they or their communities had experienced in the past kept them from trusting the police. Social service agencies, including rape crisis and domestic violence programs, were also out of reach because they were seen as being too connected to the police or child protective services. Advisory committee members didn’t see a way to get support without becoming entangled in those systems. After being criminalized, committee members noted the conspicuous absence of support from survivor advocacy groups, even those that espoused feminist values: “Participants raised concerns about how government funding and investments in having ‘good’ relations with prosecutors can play a role in organizations’ decisions to not publicly support survivors.”

some interesting case studies/real-life examples
- so helpful seeing real-life examples of what helps/doesn’t
- the importance of language that everyone can understand - ‘ouch’ sounds silly but communicates well - “The policy gives a structure for addressing these moments. The person who was harmed says “Ouch” and explains the words or actions that caused harm. In response, the person who did something harmful is supposed to say “Oops” and then listen and apologize. The words sound silly to some, but using them creates a shared language that is recognizable”
- so interesting/heartbreaking/infuriating reading the chapter about women being in prison for self-defence - and it being disproportionately poor women of colour. but also really interesting to hear about how these women were defended through feminist practices: “The defense committee walked a delicate line, careful to be guided by what was best for Alexander, even when they were committed to a broad political vision that included ending incarceration. “As feminist advocates, one of the highest principles is to support survivors’ self-determination,” says Alisa… “In her choice making,” Alisa says, “she is doing self-defense. She was doing self-defense when she chose to go to trial. And she was doing self-defense when she took the plea deal.”
- appreciated the helpful/practical advice - throughout the book and the summary at the end (e.g., moving around the table, verbally expressing needs/boundaries)

[T Brown]

I appreciate this text, which I read for a book club, arguing for the acquirement of feminist self-defense educations as a preventative strategy rather than relying on legal structures to deal with systemic, intergenerational misogyny after the fact. Stone caused me delve into my own sense of powerlessness in existence which I think is becoming increasingly favored in direct relation to the popularization of nihilism, existentialism and surrealism philosophies, especially in the context of a university setting. Equally so in environments where the majority of the population experience direct, face-to-face encounters with violently powerful actors, I found the chapter "Resisting Racism" to be the most personally impactful in how it cites victims of sexual violence who won legal cases where the odds were stacked against them. Many case studies in this chapter were so moving for me to read in how they became milestones for how Black and transgender and queer women were believed in the court of law. Additionally, a resistance to complying within situations where one is faced with acting against one's will becomes a historical document in this book and, backed by statistical evidence, channels power to personal testimony in order to think about racism, femicide and domestic abuse. Numerous parts of this piece were rather difficult to read without getting overwhelmed, yet I do think their inclusion in this body of work speaks to the magnitude of the ripple white-supremacist, capitalist, hetero-patriarchy has enacted onto humanity since its conception.

[Marya · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nice, easy summary of what gender-based violence mostly is (statistically) and thus, what would and would not constitute good advice and practices at dealing with it. While not a specific program itself, Stone's book would be helpful in pointing someone towards a program that would help individuals combat violence in practical ways. Equally important, Stone has given the reader the tools to identify which programs and advice are not much better than fear-mongering and getting women to live more restricted lives for the sake of their "safety". Plain language make this an easily understood survey of the topic.

[Darien · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5!!
“Other people’s violence is not your fault. But that doesn’t have to mean there is nothing you can do about it.”

“Be critical of “common sense” if it’s really just attempts to make your life smaller. “

“Work against gender-based violence is incomplete without thousands of people making brave choice in small moments”

Clearly a lot of research when into this book- tons of research articles/ statistics included.

[Juliette · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5

[Alana · Rating 3 out of 5]

solid 3.5 stars

[Miri · Rating 4 out of 5]

excellent read, especially when paired with leigh goodmark's imperfect victims

[Hadas · Rating 3 out of 5]

היה ממש סבבה עד שהיא תמכה באיחוד מחדש של סבא עם הנכדות שלו שהוא פגע בהם מינית
ממש היה מוזר כאילו
חוץ מזה היה מידע מעניין סטטיסטית ולמדתי די הרבה

[Jenna Korff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Important and wise. A must read for anyone who is interested in stopping gender-based violence.