What do you think?
Rate this book
Bloody, Slutty, and Pathetic #1
Bloody, Slutty, and Pathetic
“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
784 pages, ebook
Published May 26, 2024
425 people are currently reading
6686 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,291 reviews
Read
June 10, 2024I am so grateful that I was born so that I could consume Dramione fics like this. Now listen. This is the sluttiest thing I’ve ever read. Hard stop. This also showcases the most ridiculously pathetic Draco I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Ladies you’ve never seen anything like it. NOTHING. Admittedly, this was also pretty bloody. But like, in the fun way? All to say, the title of this fic rly hits upon its main three pillars: Bloody, Slutty, and Pathetic.
But also:
- some of the best HP characterization I’ve ever read (bamf plant daddy Neville Longbottom?? incorrigible flirt Theo Nott who is also incredibly unhinged and generally hilarious, Pansy is hot, Draco is miserable, Hermione is smart, Ron is,, there)
- no but really each character’s voice (yes we have fun pov switching) is SO well done. The dialogue and internal monologues had me by the throat !!
- this is slice of life, plot is just watching these characters do their thing, fight each other, blackmail, murder, kiss etc, and yet I was completely addicted?? could not put it down ??
- genuinely just great sense of humor balanced with the dark moments
- and on the dark moments point, this fic, when it wasn’t being chili pepper central, was very wise? so so thoughtful and well written.
- and by that I mean we do not skimp on the classic Dramione themes. everyone is damaged and hurting and learning and you know the drill
- ingenious use of media coverage
- I hate you = I love you trope :3
- crookshanks supremacy
- if you know me ignore this last bullet thank you: this was incrediblyyyy smutty, I thought I was more of a 1-2 tasteful scenes girlie and then let’s wrap things up… and yet?? I was consistently put into cardiac arrest. My jaw kept dropping. I needed sedation. I blame ALL of the characters for being absolute lil sluts
Well. If you want deliciously depraved Dramione give this a go. I warned you tho.
But also:
- some of the best HP characterization I’ve ever read (bamf plant daddy Neville Longbottom?? incorrigible flirt Theo Nott who is also incredibly unhinged and generally hilarious, Pansy is hot, Draco is miserable, Hermione is smart, Ron is,, there)
- no but really each character’s voice (yes we have fun pov switching) is SO well done. The dialogue and internal monologues had me by the throat !!
- this is slice of life, plot is just watching these characters do their thing, fight each other, blackmail, murder, kiss etc, and yet I was completely addicted?? could not put it down ??
- genuinely just great sense of humor balanced with the dark moments
- and on the dark moments point, this fic, when it wasn’t being chili pepper central, was very wise? so so thoughtful and well written.
- and by that I mean we do not skimp on the classic Dramione themes. everyone is damaged and hurting and learning and you know the drill
- ingenious use of media coverage
- I hate you = I love you trope :3
- crookshanks supremacy
- if you know me ignore this last bullet thank you: this was incrediblyyyy smutty, I thought I was more of a 1-2 tasteful scenes girlie and then let’s wrap things up… and yet?? I was consistently put into cardiac arrest. My jaw kept dropping. I needed sedation. I blame ALL of the characters for being absolute lil sluts
Well. If you want deliciously depraved Dramione give this a go. I warned you tho.
June 2, 2024
this fic had me feral. i just love a bloodied man on his knees.
new favorite!
new favorite!
January 1, 2025
I thoroughly enjoyed this one. The writing was so great and oh my goodness I did not know how badly I needed to see a groveling, pathetic, and snotty little Draco. 🤌
Read
October 29, 2024this version of fic-malfoy is a new favorite. draco is soooo down bad. he'll do ANYTHING for hermione's attention and i ate this shit up. as always, fics are long af, 1,000+ pages. when it became too much to read, i listened to the audio fic on spotify!
*not rating because I recently learned we should not review fanfics*
some quotes i like:
➵“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.”
And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
➵“Malfoy.”
“Mrs. Malfoy.”
➵It didn’t look like they were enemies. It looked like it was them against the world. In black, their chins raised, lips twisted, eyes full of hate. The diamonds on their hands, the sapphires at her throat. They looked rich, disreputable, dangerous.
Oh, Godric . . . she looked like a Malfoy.
➵Tell me you love me, he thought stupidly. Tell me I’m worthless. Tell me you want me anyway. Tell me I’m yours.
➵all her attention—focused on him, right where he wanted it. He basked in it, gazing up at her. This was what he wanted. All of it. He was real. She saw him.
➵“C’mon, Granger. He’s a dog—walk him like one.
➵A wide smile broke across Malfoy’s face and he tilted his head to gaze at her fondly, his hand moving to cover his heart. “And they say the perfect witch doesn’t exist.”
➵"don’t talk about yourself that way. Not in front of the plants. Not in front of me.”
Pansy blinked, her nose wrinkling. “Well, I’m not nice.”
“Spiky? Thorny? Venomous? Deadly?” Longbottom smiled his faint smile. “I can still take care of that. Every plant is nicer when its needs are met.”
i LOVE neville×pansy
➵“But what will people say?”
“That’s their business.”
period neville !!!
⋆⭒˚.⋆ ⌞pre~read⌝ ⋆.˚⭒⋆
i'm sad and i need some dramione in my life again. i heard this fanfic is really good
*fingers crossed*
*not rating because I recently learned we should not review fanfics*
some quotes i like:
➵“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.”
And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
➵“Malfoy.”
“Mrs. Malfoy.”
➵It didn’t look like they were enemies. It looked like it was them against the world. In black, their chins raised, lips twisted, eyes full of hate. The diamonds on their hands, the sapphires at her throat. They looked rich, disreputable, dangerous.
Oh, Godric . . . she looked like a Malfoy.
➵Tell me you love me, he thought stupidly. Tell me I’m worthless. Tell me you want me anyway. Tell me I’m yours.
➵all her attention—focused on him, right where he wanted it. He basked in it, gazing up at her. This was what he wanted. All of it. He was real. She saw him.
➵“C’mon, Granger. He’s a dog—walk him like one.
➵A wide smile broke across Malfoy’s face and he tilted his head to gaze at her fondly, his hand moving to cover his heart. “And they say the perfect witch doesn’t exist.”
➵"don’t talk about yourself that way. Not in front of the plants. Not in front of me.”
Pansy blinked, her nose wrinkling. “Well, I’m not nice.”
“Spiky? Thorny? Venomous? Deadly?” Longbottom smiled his faint smile. “I can still take care of that. Every plant is nicer when its needs are met.”
i LOVE neville×pansy
➵“But what will people say?”
“That’s their business.”
period neville !!!
⋆⭒˚.⋆ ⌞pre~read⌝ ⋆.˚⭒⋆
i'm sad and i need some dramione in my life again. i heard this fanfic is really good
*fingers crossed*
July 2, 2024
I am an absolute whore for Dramione, “my wife”, praise kink…and lots of other good stuff that was packed into this long ass book, so to say that I had a great time reading this is an understatement. Draco Malfoy, everyone’s favorite punching bag, is out of Azkaban and done with his house arrest years after the war has ended. In an effort to pair witches for some reason, which I must have read but then immediately forgot, Hermione Granger finds out that she is to wed Malfoy. And since everything that happened in the original books happened in THIS book during the past, you can imagine how well she received this order. Really. Really. Poorly.
She weds Malfoy, and then the real battle begins. Her life is turned over to him. She lives in the manor. She has her rooms and a brand new wardrobe and shiny, sparkly jewels, and a key to the Malfoy vaults. But Hermione is furious. She wants autonomy. She wants respect. She wants freedom. And she doesn’t want to be married to Draco Fucking Malfoy, the spoiled Slytherin death eater man child. Draco, for his part, deeply wants all the things he tries to get out of Granger. Sex. Love. Respect. Want. Babies. He goes about things in a really horrible way, as is expected of him. But they get there in the end.
Oh, did you expect more of a review? How about this; I loved this book. I loved Theo, I loved Pansy, I would live breathe and fucking die for Neville Longbottom. But if I had to read about Hermione punching Draco one more goddamn time, I would have thrown my $280 kindle at the wall. I will see the words Oranges and Cloves in my sleep because the author felt the need to describe Draco’s scent in every single chapter for unknown reasons. I wanted to knock Ron and Susan’s heads together. I wanted to force Draco and Hermione together like my poor sexed up Barbie dolls from childhood…and I deeply loved the extended and snippet-filled epilogue.
She weds Malfoy, and then the real battle begins. Her life is turned over to him. She lives in the manor. She has her rooms and a brand new wardrobe and shiny, sparkly jewels, and a key to the Malfoy vaults. But Hermione is furious. She wants autonomy. She wants respect. She wants freedom. And she doesn’t want to be married to Draco Fucking Malfoy, the spoiled Slytherin death eater man child. Draco, for his part, deeply wants all the things he tries to get out of Granger. Sex. Love. Respect. Want. Babies. He goes about things in a really horrible way, as is expected of him. But they get there in the end.
Oh, did you expect more of a review? How about this; I loved this book. I loved Theo, I loved Pansy, I would live breathe and fucking die for Neville Longbottom. But if I had to read about Hermione punching Draco one more goddamn time, I would have thrown my $280 kindle at the wall. I will see the words Oranges and Cloves in my sleep because the author felt the need to describe Draco’s scent in every single chapter for unknown reasons. I wanted to knock Ron and Susan’s heads together. I wanted to force Draco and Hermione together like my poor sexed up Barbie dolls from childhood…and I deeply loved the extended and snippet-filled epilogue.
May 27, 2024
What am I supposed to do every Sunday now that this fic is over?? This story really is something else. Forced marriage, enemies to lovers with sarcastic and obsessed Draco? Yes, please.🙌🏻
I loveeeee protective, pathetic and possessive as fuck Draco Malfoy, but it's even better when there's a morally grey Hermione that doesn't take shit from anyone and isn't afraid to let everyone know just how pissed she is.
All other characters are also amazing. I live for funny, very slutty, chaotic, loyal and crazy Theo.
And Neville🥵🥵 Plant daddy in this fic is definitely my favorite Neville ever, and he and Pansy are such a good pairing here.
Now that it's finally complete, I'll be downloading it and rereading it so that I can highlight all my favorite quotes.😈
I loveeeee protective, pathetic and possessive as fuck Draco Malfoy, but it's even better when there's a morally grey Hermione that doesn't take shit from anyone and isn't afraid to let everyone know just how pissed she is.
All other characters are also amazing. I live for funny, very slutty, chaotic, loyal and crazy Theo.
And Neville🥵🥵 Plant daddy in this fic is definitely my favorite Neville ever, and he and Pansy are such a good pairing here.
Now that it's finally complete, I'll be downloading it and rereading it so that I can highlight all my favorite quotes.😈
June 5, 2024
definitely anything that is overhyped in tiktok doesn't mean it will be good.
the plot is boring, the only thing that is “entertaining” is the smut, and it feels forced and more of the same.
also, draco and hermione are extremely ooc, so much so that it feels more like a universe outside of HP, you can change their names and it's a story that can live outside of the HP world 🤷🏻♀️
the plot is boring, the only thing that is “entertaining” is the smut, and it feels forced and more of the same.
also, draco and hermione are extremely ooc, so much so that it feels more like a universe outside of HP, you can change their names and it's a story that can live outside of the HP world 🤷🏻♀️
February 10, 2025
i have never read something with a title more fitting than this one oh my god lmao
this was so good and fun and the only reasons it was a 5 star is bc the internal monologues made me a bit bored here in there.
however this was fabulous lmao i have never loved draco malfoy and hermione granger more 100% my fav toxic couple
this was so good and fun and the only reasons it was a 5 star is bc the internal monologues made me a bit bored here in there.
however this was fabulous lmao i have never loved draco malfoy and hermione granger more 100% my fav toxic couple
Read
June 3, 2024I wish I could rate this but we don’t rate fanfics in this house because it is HELLA DISRESPECTFUL to these authors that do this for free.
But… read this 👀
But… read this 👀
October 24, 2025
Tell me I only have 11 hours to live and I will tell you that I will spend every second of that reading this fic again.
He is feral and obscene and I will remember how he used and abused that episkey spell until my final breath.
I would now use this space to copy in my favourite quotes, but alas I fear that doing that may get my account removed against my will. ♾️ ⭐️
Reread October 2025: Still the best epilogue of all time. Can’t wait to read the Parkbottom sequel!
He is feral and obscene and I will remember how he used and abused that episkey spell until my final breath.
I would now use this space to copy in my favourite quotes, but alas I fear that doing that may get my account removed against my will. ♾️ ⭐️
Reread October 2025: Still the best epilogue of all time. Can’t wait to read the Parkbottom sequel!
Want to read
September 3, 2024just saw a scene from this on tiktok and i’m sold
January 20, 2026
3*** stars
dropped @60%
⇢ read in tandem with Dirty, Flirty and Vindictive
Much to my dismay I was not a big fan of this Dramione fanfic. The parts I enjoyed most had nothing to do with the romance between Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger that hadn’t even taken off really by the half way mark. And even while their thoughts and actions were understandable, relatable even, I was annoyed by the constant push and pull between these two and was ultimately disappointed with both of them.
My highlights:
❖ Theodore Nott
❖ the dynamic between Draco, Pansy and Theo
❖ Draco and Crookshanks
❖ Draco’s banter with Ginny (aka Ginevra, the She-Weasel, the Weaselette)
I was glad that Anita and I discovered relatively quickly that this story is best enjoyed as a tandem read as both stories (the Dramione as well as the Panville) follow the same timeline and are closely connected in what’s happening.
The writing was good and engaging. The storytelling sensitive even when bringing up heavy topics and exploring human psychology. I really liked that.
And to be fair, it’s probably my own fault that I didn’t like this as much as others because while I was very intrigued by the premise I was never really into the imgae of Draco being Bloody, Slutty and Pathetic. I couldn’t quite warm up to these versions of Draco and Hermione so I’m calling it quits and focus solely on Neville and Pansy.
***************
Dramoine Fanfics on my radar
❖ Manacled - 5.0 stars
❖ Breath Mints / Battle Scars - 4.5 stars
❖ Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying Ordeal… - tbr
❖ Remain Nameless - dropped
❖ All You Want - 4.0 stars
❖ Damaged Goods - tbr
❖ The Auction - tbr
❖ Meet Me In Dreamland - tbr
❖ Bloody, Slutty and Pathetic - 3.0 stars, dropped
❖ Dirty, Flirty and Vindictive (Panville) - currently reading
and their Published Counterparts
◇ Alchemised - 4.75 stars
◇ The Irresistible Urge to Fall for Your Enemy
dropped @60%
⇢ read in tandem with Dirty, Flirty and Vindictive
Much to my dismay I was not a big fan of this Dramione fanfic. The parts I enjoyed most had nothing to do with the romance between Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger that hadn’t even taken off really by the half way mark. And even while their thoughts and actions were understandable, relatable even, I was annoyed by the constant push and pull between these two and was ultimately disappointed with both of them.
My highlights:
❖ Theodore Nott
❖ the dynamic between Draco, Pansy and Theo
❖ Draco and Crookshanks
❖ Draco’s banter with Ginny (aka Ginevra, the She-Weasel, the Weaselette)
I was glad that Anita and I discovered relatively quickly that this story is best enjoyed as a tandem read as both stories (the Dramione as well as the Panville) follow the same timeline and are closely connected in what’s happening.
The writing was good and engaging. The storytelling sensitive even when bringing up heavy topics and exploring human psychology. I really liked that.
And to be fair, it’s probably my own fault that I didn’t like this as much as others because while I was very intrigued by the premise I was never really into the imgae of Draco being Bloody, Slutty and Pathetic. I couldn’t quite warm up to these versions of Draco and Hermione so I’m calling it quits and focus solely on Neville and Pansy.
***************
Dramoine Fanfics on my radar
❖ Manacled - 5.0 stars
❖ Breath Mints / Battle Scars - 4.5 stars
❖ Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying Ordeal… - tbr
❖ Remain Nameless - dropped
❖ All You Want - 4.0 stars
❖ Damaged Goods - tbr
❖ The Auction - tbr
❖ Meet Me In Dreamland - tbr
❖ Bloody, Slutty and Pathetic - 3.0 stars, dropped
❖ Dirty, Flirty and Vindictive (Panville) - currently reading
and their Published Counterparts
◇ Alchemised - 4.75 stars
◇ The Irresistible Urge to Fall for Your Enemy
March 10, 2025
look at me actually reviewing whenever i say RTC!!!!
*pads myself on the shoulder*
anyway, this was a masterpiece! as someone who didn't grow up on fanfiction i feel betrayed. i could've read shit like this wayyy before now :((((
it is what it is though. WhatMurdah, you are a champ. the way they got the characters to feel so alive was a blast to read. i honestly enjoyed this fic more than about 90% of the books i've read last year.
It was serious (lots of angst and trauma and just sadness) but it was also very funny (thank you theo) and also UGH Neville and Pansey??!?! best couple?! bro the way they worked UGH perfection. ALSO Theo and Charlie??!!?1? i still regularly think about all of them and how their dynamics just WORKED
Guys. this was such a perfect little story. from draco helping Hermione have the job of her dreams, to Hermione giving Draco purpose again. They hurt, by themselves, each other, together. But it always worked out and ugh. I already lowkey wanna reread it. It’s just so PERFECT!!
if you want to start with dramione fics but don't wanna immediately jump into manacled, read this one!!!
it’s less trauma and more grovel and “i don’t know how to ask for things that i want so i act out” (very toddler of you draco but we still love u <3 )
anyway, big fat 5/5
------------------
easiest 5 stars i’ve ever given.
rtc
*pads myself on the shoulder*
anyway, this was a masterpiece! as someone who didn't grow up on fanfiction i feel betrayed. i could've read shit like this wayyy before now :((((
it is what it is though. WhatMurdah, you are a champ. the way they got the characters to feel so alive was a blast to read. i honestly enjoyed this fic more than about 90% of the books i've read last year.
It was serious (lots of angst and trauma and just sadness) but it was also very funny (thank you theo) and also UGH Neville and Pansey??!?! best couple?! bro the way they worked UGH perfection. ALSO Theo and Charlie??!!?1? i still regularly think about all of them and how their dynamics just WORKED
Guys. this was such a perfect little story. from draco helping Hermione have the job of her dreams, to Hermione giving Draco purpose again. They hurt, by themselves, each other, together. But it always worked out and ugh. I already lowkey wanna reread it. It’s just so PERFECT!!
if you want to start with dramione fics but don't wanna immediately jump into manacled, read this one!!!
it’s less trauma and more grovel and “i don’t know how to ask for things that i want so i act out” (very toddler of you draco but we still love u <3 )
anyway, big fat 5/5
------------------
easiest 5 stars i’ve ever given.
rtc
May 29, 2024
DNF at 68%. I know it’s got pathetic in the title but Hermione and Draco really were pathetic in it and it was just getting worse.
July 1, 2024
I guess I’m in the minority, but after five chapters, this book was super boring. I pushed through to give it a fair chance, but the entire thing was very predictable. It felt like the author was trying to follow a checklist, which was really annoying.
Hermione and Draco felt very OOC for me. I swear, in every chapter she was slapping him across the face because of a comment or something stupid, and that got very tiresome.
I don’t understand the hype. It was very meh.
Hermione and Draco felt very OOC for me. I swear, in every chapter she was slapping him across the face because of a comment or something stupid, and that got very tiresome.
I don’t understand the hype. It was very meh.
Want to read
June 7, 2024I need help fr someone needs to get me out of this dramione pothole
June 28, 2024
everyone in this is SO ooc that makes me wanna cry
December 26, 2024
DNF.
This is what I mean when I say I don't want my man to be my dog.
This is not my man, NOPE.
Only Pansy and Neville were giving me life. One star for them.
This is what I mean when I say I don't want my man to be my dog.
This is not my man, NOPE.
Only Pansy and Neville were giving me life. One star for them.
February 18, 2025
Nothing to see here … move along ….
December 9, 2025
This was magnificently addictive
So, this being a fanfiction I'm not certain how to go about reviewing it? But I still have thoughts about it so I'll voice it as an option that we all know is ultimately irrelevant given that unlike authors, fanfiction writers don't write to please their readers but to please themselves, their own fantasies, their own preferences. We the readers can take them or leave them.
・
・
・
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
🕮⋆˚࿔✎𓂃 𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
So, this being a fanfiction I'm not certain how to go about reviewing it? But I still have thoughts about it so I'll voice it as an option that we all know is ultimately irrelevant given that unlike authors, fanfiction writers don't write to please their readers but to please themselves, their own fantasies, their own preferences. We the readers can take them or leave them.
・
・
・
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
🕮⋆˚࿔✎𓂃 𝐣𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
October 22, 2024
I am what I am I regret nothing
November 10, 2025
all my irl people……. look away pls.
anyway why is fanfic guilt so real???
anyway why is fanfic guilt so real???
January 20, 2025
This as well written and interesting as I have read fanfiction. I'm just bored with all the boning, so I'm going to put it down at 75 percent.
April 17, 2025
start on: 3.7.25
put on hold on: 3.21.25
continued on: 4.2.25
dnf'd on: 4.12.25
‧₊˚✧final review✧˚₊‧
‧₊˚🖇️✩₊housekeeping˚🎧⊹♡
·˚ ༘₊·꒰➳: ̗̀➛ no spoilers
·˚ ༘₊·꒰➳: ̗̀➛ mini-review because i dnf’d
🫧𓇼𓏲rest of review✩‧₊˚🎐
·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ genre: Harry Potter Fanfiction
·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ what to expect + content warnings
➳3rd person past tense
➳ multi-pov (4 main)
➳ LGBT+ rep
➳ Dramione
➳ a gay theodore nott (theo x charlie weasley)
➳ Pansy x Neville
➳ enemies-with-benefits
➳ arranged marriage + forced proximity
➳ very smutty
➳ (main) TWs*: violence, blood play (necessary), inter-marriage violence (NOT abuse)
*note: the author does a very good job at covering all CW and TWs by chapter in the chapter notes, which is why i recommend reading off of Ao3
·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ no rating because i dnf’d
「 ✦Bloody, Slutty, and Pathetic✦ 」
☁️ . . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ overall thoughts
Reading this was…a journey. I put it on hold once and then started reading it again and now i have dnf’d. I really thought I could do it, but I have to say, I was warned. I was warned about the smut, not that it dragged, but i was warned nonetheless. It just dragged, and the writing style felt weird, and idk…
Undeniably, the best part of this book was gay theodore nott and i will go to my grave saying that. I wish i could have loved this one, but alas, i did not.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ final thoughts
Next fic up is probabay manacled 🫡
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ please comment or pm me if I missed anything, especially tropes!
ʚɞ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ Love y’all. Let’s go light it up and rattle some stars! Mwah ♡
officially dnf'd bc I feel like I'm pushing myself through this and its not worth it. rtc
update: 4.2.25
continuing cuz i miss dramione and i need to prep for when i read manacled
putting on hold cuz i really wanna read god of fury by rina kent and I have to read it on my phone.
put on hold on: 3.21.25
continued on: 4.2.25
dnf'd on: 4.12.25
‧₊˚✧final review✧˚₊‧
‧₊˚🖇️✩₊housekeeping˚🎧⊹♡
·˚ ༘₊·꒰➳: ̗̀➛ no spoilers
·˚ ༘₊·꒰➳: ̗̀➛ mini-review because i dnf’d
🫧𓇼𓏲rest of review✩‧₊˚🎐
·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ genre: Harry Potter Fanfiction
·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ what to expect + content warnings
➳3rd person past tense
➳ multi-pov (4 main)
➳ LGBT+ rep
➳ Dramione
➳ a gay theodore nott (theo x charlie weasley)
➳ Pansy x Neville
➳ enemies-with-benefits
➳ arranged marriage + forced proximity
➳ very smutty
➳ (main) TWs*: violence, blood play (necessary), inter-marriage violence (NOT abuse)
*note: the author does a very good job at covering all CW and TWs by chapter in the chapter notes, which is why i recommend reading off of Ao3
·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ no rating because i dnf’d
「 ✦Bloody, Slutty, and Pathetic✦ 」
☁️ . . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ overall thoughts
Reading this was…a journey. I put it on hold once and then started reading it again and now i have dnf’d. I really thought I could do it, but I have to say, I was warned. I was warned about the smut, not that it dragged, but i was warned nonetheless. It just dragged, and the writing style felt weird, and idk…
Undeniably, the best part of this book was gay theodore nott and i will go to my grave saying that. I wish i could have loved this one, but alas, i did not.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ final thoughts
Next fic up is probabay manacled 🫡
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ please comment or pm me if I missed anything, especially tropes!
ʚɞ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ Love y’all. Let’s go light it up and rattle some stars! Mwah ♡
officially dnf'd bc I feel like I'm pushing myself through this and its not worth it. rtc
update: 4.2.25
continuing cuz i miss dramione and i need to prep for when i read manacled
putting on hold cuz i really wanna read god of fury by rina kent and I have to read it on my phone.
January 26, 2026
✨Dramione fanfic✨
5 years post the battle of Hogwarts. The Ministry of Magic has brought in new legislation that mandates marriages in a controversial Reconcilliation act.
I tandem read this with the Panville fanfic, ‘Dirty, Flirty and Vindictive’ (I am this close 🤏 to finishing!) which is written within the same timeline… and I loved them both! There’s something about already knowing the characters and having their stories as adults brought to life in a new context that I just love!
Of course *scandal* Hermione and Malfoy are matched. They appeal, but it falls on deaf ears. She has to live with him, she demands certain conditions and Malfoy, suspiciously, all too easily acquiesces to her demands.
Hermione takes her cat, Crookshanks with her to Malfoy Manor. Draco despises the cat initially, then warms to him but pretends that he hasn’t!
Draco’s (incomplete) list of pet names for Hermione’s cat 🤭
The orange abomination
The kneazle demon
The beast
The half-kneazle
The kneazle
The orange demon
The demon
The abomination
The animal
The flat-faced beast
Hermione in her usual way is outspoken and (rightly) horrified at not having a choice in who she marries!
Draco after spending time in Azkaban and on house arrest just wants to be truly seen and have the opportunity to have a family. But he revels in causing unrest and speculation, he is as conniving and sneery as ever! 😈
Other characters play a major part in this book, and I really enjoyed the backstories and the plot.
Neville Longbottom (or Daddy Neville) 🤭😮💨 leads a double life as an underground vigilante.
Theodore Nott, an absolute standout, I ate up any mention of him in this book. He was funny, a little unhinged, and very misunderstood. I loved him!
🤭🤭
4.5 ⭐️
3 🌶️
5 years post the battle of Hogwarts. The Ministry of Magic has brought in new legislation that mandates marriages in a controversial Reconcilliation act.
I tandem read this with the Panville fanfic, ‘Dirty, Flirty and Vindictive’ (I am this close 🤏 to finishing!) which is written within the same timeline… and I loved them both! There’s something about already knowing the characters and having their stories as adults brought to life in a new context that I just love!
Of course *scandal* Hermione and Malfoy are matched. They appeal, but it falls on deaf ears. She has to live with him, she demands certain conditions and Malfoy, suspiciously, all too easily acquiesces to her demands.
Hermione takes her cat, Crookshanks with her to Malfoy Manor. Draco despises the cat initially, then warms to him but pretends that he hasn’t!
“So you’re holding her cat ransom,” said Theo, beginning to smile.
“I’m going to make it love me more than her.”
Draco’s (incomplete) list of pet names for Hermione’s cat 🤭
The orange abomination
The kneazle demon
The beast
The half-kneazle
The kneazle
The orange demon
The demon
The abomination
The animal
The flat-faced beast
Hermione in her usual way is outspoken and (rightly) horrified at not having a choice in who she marries!
“I just want to have a say,” she said, her voice small. “I want it to be my choice.”
Draco after spending time in Azkaban and on house arrest just wants to be truly seen and have the opportunity to have a family. But he revels in causing unrest and speculation, he is as conniving and sneery as ever! 😈
Pay attention to me. (It was starting to feel, sometimes, like he only existed when she saw him.)
Other characters play a major part in this book, and I really enjoyed the backstories and the plot.
Neville Longbottom (or Daddy Neville) 🤭😮💨 leads a double life as an underground vigilante.
This was why it didn’t pay to fuck with Longbottom.
Theodore Nott, an absolute standout, I ate up any mention of him in this book. He was funny, a little unhinged, and very misunderstood. I loved him!
“Weasley,” said Nott, lifting his chin. “Tell your brother hiya for me.”
“Which one,” said Ron, his eyes narrowing.
“Whichever one you think most recently had my face pressed against a wall,” said Nott, smug.
🤭🤭
4.5 ⭐️
3 🌶️
July 1, 2024
This just wasn't my favourite genre/trope. I thought it was gonna go one way and boy was I wrong!
I found it to be so incredibly repetitive. Draco and Hermione seemed to have the same fight over and over again, and the way Draco is described..like I get it, he has pale skin, white hair, a pointy nose, and a lean body does that really need to be repeated EVERY time?? 😮💨
I found it to be so incredibly repetitive. Draco and Hermione seemed to have the same fight over and over again, and the way Draco is described..like I get it, he has pale skin, white hair, a pointy nose, and a lean body does that really need to be repeated EVERY time?? 😮💨
June 25, 2024
This is going on my list of favorite Dramione fan fics of all time. I loved that they included other couples POVs, Parkbottom forever!
August 20, 2025
“Bark for me.” He did.
“Tell me you love me,” said Draco. “I love you.” She kissed him, her hands on him, her body pressing closer. “You’re all mine. And you will never, ever be rid of me. Never, never, never, never—" He whispered it: “I love you too, Mrs. Malfoy.”
𐙚 Dramione
𐙚 Bloody, Slutty and pathetic Draco (litteraly)
𐙚 Touch her and die
𐙚 Forced marriage
𐙚 Forced proximity
𐙚 Draco becoming a Cat daddy
𐙚 He fell first and harder
𐙚 HEA
I don’t think I’ve ever highlighted as many quotes in a book as I did with this one. From the very first pages, I was utterly gone for this story. It pulled me in instantly.
There’s just something about seeing a man on his knees for his woman.
Draco was literally on his knees for Hermione. He had that soft, puppy-eyes energy that I absolutely adored from start to finish. He was completely obsessed with her—in every sense of the word. He wanted her attention, all of it. Her recognition, her compliments, her love. And again, there’s just something about seeing a man so desperate for his woman—it gets me every time.
That’s also why, at some point, I got a little tired of Hermione constantly denying him. Don’t get me wrong—it made sense at the beginning, and even for a good part of the story. But after a while, I just wanted to scream, please, free the man already and give him your attention.
At some point, put the man out of his misery and just give him what he wants. He was groveling from beginning to end and honestly? He was bloody, slutty, and downright pathetic. And I loved every bit of it.
I don’t even know what more to say, but I really loved the way Draco was written in this fanfiction.
I loved seeing him completely gone for Hermione.
I loved his playful side, his jealousy, the way he worried about her.
I loved those quiet moments of sadness when he talked about Azkaban, and yet, how he never tried to hide anything—not even his past.
I just loved everything about it.
I also completely adored the Pansy and Neville relationship. Neville as a daddy plant? Definitely not on my 2025 bingo card, but I was obsessed. Same with Theo and Charlie’s relationship—such a joy to read.
Theo, in general, is one of the characters I loved the most. The way he’s written in fanfics—and especially in this one—just makes him a favorite of mine every time. He’s always the character I’d want as my best friend.
All in all, I more than loved this book—I gave it everything while reading it. I can’t recommend it enough.
I’ll just add one last thing: I think this might be the longest epilogue I’ve ever read in my life. The book itself is already quite long—each chapter was a decent length (though very enjoyable)—but the epilogue? That was something else. And honestly? I still loved it. We got real closure for every character, and it was just so satisfying.
Now I’ll leave you with the quotes—because they’ll say far more than I ever could.
𐙚 Quotes
“Events have proceeded out of order,” he said dryly, “but it’s now appropriate you have this, Mrs. Malfoy.”
Hermione lunged out of the Chief Warlock’s office and directly into Ron, promptly—and to her surprise—bursting into tears when his arms wrapped around her, his smell comfortingly familiar. “Weasley. Potter,” a newly and uncomfortably familiar voice drawled behind her. “Already making my wife cry?”
Hermione jerked back as Ron and Harry growled “Malfoy!” nearly in unison. “Sorry, Weasel, did I steal your girl?” The words were taunting but Malfoy’s voice was emotionless. “I’m lying. I’m not actually sorry.”
“It was marry this git on the spot,” Hermione jerked her chin toward Malfoy, “or snap my wand. I chose poorly.” “Oh, Hermione, I’m so sorry.” Harry clapped a warm hand on her shoulder, his face pained. “Thanks, Potter,” drawled Malfoy. “Now get your hand off my wife.”
“Do these rings prevent me from causing physical harm to you?” “No,” he whispered. Hermione immediately punched him in the chest.
“Oi, plant daddy.” She crossed her arms, cocking her hip. “You got the Death Eater bitch.”
“You know,” said Longbottom evenly, “plants do better when you speak to them nicely. You can call me Daddy if you want to—” Pansy’s lips parted. “But don’t talk about yourself that way. Not in front of the plants. Not in front of me.”
“You got fucking married without me?” howled Theo. “I was meant to be there, Dray! I was going to be your flower boy.” “How do you—What the fuck is a flower boy?” snapped Draco. “I keep telling you I’m never doing a threesome with you again—”
“Because you two make marriage look fun.” “Yes,” said Draco dryly. “It’s a riot.” “My money’s on her, you know.” “Unfortunately,” sighed Draco, “so is mine.”
“You did not just kick my cat.” “Correct. That is neither a cat nor did I kick it. It did, however, try to kill me.” “That’s my good boy,” crooned his wife.
“I would gladly go to Azkaban if—” “No, dear.” Draco turned to her, a sad smile on his lips. “You wouldn’t.”
“Weaselette—” “Ferret—” “Always a pleasure.” “Go fuck yourself,” she said sweetly. Up. Ginevra Potter was going up in the rankings of Most Tolerable Weasley.
“Pansy,” said Draco, “ask Longbottom if he has anything that might accidentally eat a demon pretending to be a cat.”
Society has never cared about the mistreatment of wives—that is why it is our duty to protect our wives ourselves.
“So she does still have the right hook!” Theo studied the front page of the Prophet as Draco stepped out of the floo into his own study. “Hmm, you look delish. Bloody, slutty . . . pathetic.”
“Sweet Salazar’s poxy dick, what is that?” said Theo, stepping from the floo into Draco’s dimly lit study. “This is Mrs. Malfoy’s progeny,” said Draco dryly. The orange abomination sat on his desk, too close to his ledger for comfort. The animal’s expression was excessively judgmental. Draco sneered back. “I am not allowed to kill it.” “But where did it come from?” asked Theo with distaste. “Originally? Hell. This morning? Her rooms. It has escaped the wards.”
It didn’t look like they were enemies. It looked like it was them against the world.
Tell me you love me, he thought stupidly. Tell me I’m worthless. Tell me you want me anyway. Tell me I’m yours.
She looked at him. She turned so she was sitting beside him, her back to his headboard. “You’ll be good?” she asked, looking down at him, watching him. A shiver ran through him. “I’ll be good,” he murmured. “Just for you.”
Malfoy men worship their women,’ ‘Malfoy men don’t stray,’ ‘Malfoy men protect what’s theirs.’
“I didn’t get you a book,” said Malfoy, staring at her. “I got you a bookstore.”
“I want you too.” He rolled his hips, pressing up against her. “Say it again.” She huffed a laugh. So greedy, so needy. But wasn’t she too? “Draco, I want you too.”
“Tell me you love me,” said Draco. “I love you.” She kissed him, her hands on him, her body pressing closer. “You’re all mine. And you will never, ever be rid of me. Never, never, never, never—" He whispered it: “I love you too, Mrs. Malfoy.”
𐙚 Dramione
𐙚 Bloody, Slutty and pathetic Draco (litteraly)
𐙚 Touch her and die
𐙚 Forced marriage
𐙚 Forced proximity
𐙚 Draco becoming a Cat daddy
𐙚 He fell first and harder
𐙚 HEA
I don’t think I’ve ever highlighted as many quotes in a book as I did with this one. From the very first pages, I was utterly gone for this story. It pulled me in instantly.
There’s just something about seeing a man on his knees for his woman.
Draco was literally on his knees for Hermione. He had that soft, puppy-eyes energy that I absolutely adored from start to finish. He was completely obsessed with her—in every sense of the word. He wanted her attention, all of it. Her recognition, her compliments, her love. And again, there’s just something about seeing a man so desperate for his woman—it gets me every time.
That’s also why, at some point, I got a little tired of Hermione constantly denying him. Don’t get me wrong—it made sense at the beginning, and even for a good part of the story. But after a while, I just wanted to scream, please, free the man already and give him your attention.
At some point, put the man out of his misery and just give him what he wants. He was groveling from beginning to end and honestly? He was bloody, slutty, and downright pathetic. And I loved every bit of it.
I don’t even know what more to say, but I really loved the way Draco was written in this fanfiction.
I loved seeing him completely gone for Hermione.
I loved his playful side, his jealousy, the way he worried about her.
I loved those quiet moments of sadness when he talked about Azkaban, and yet, how he never tried to hide anything—not even his past.
I just loved everything about it.
I also completely adored the Pansy and Neville relationship. Neville as a daddy plant? Definitely not on my 2025 bingo card, but I was obsessed. Same with Theo and Charlie’s relationship—such a joy to read.
Theo, in general, is one of the characters I loved the most. The way he’s written in fanfics—and especially in this one—just makes him a favorite of mine every time. He’s always the character I’d want as my best friend.
All in all, I more than loved this book—I gave it everything while reading it. I can’t recommend it enough.
I’ll just add one last thing: I think this might be the longest epilogue I’ve ever read in my life. The book itself is already quite long—each chapter was a decent length (though very enjoyable)—but the epilogue? That was something else. And honestly? I still loved it. We got real closure for every character, and it was just so satisfying.
Now I’ll leave you with the quotes—because they’ll say far more than I ever could.
𐙚 Quotes
“Events have proceeded out of order,” he said dryly, “but it’s now appropriate you have this, Mrs. Malfoy.”
Hermione lunged out of the Chief Warlock’s office and directly into Ron, promptly—and to her surprise—bursting into tears when his arms wrapped around her, his smell comfortingly familiar. “Weasley. Potter,” a newly and uncomfortably familiar voice drawled behind her. “Already making my wife cry?”
Hermione jerked back as Ron and Harry growled “Malfoy!” nearly in unison. “Sorry, Weasel, did I steal your girl?” The words were taunting but Malfoy’s voice was emotionless. “I’m lying. I’m not actually sorry.”
“It was marry this git on the spot,” Hermione jerked her chin toward Malfoy, “or snap my wand. I chose poorly.” “Oh, Hermione, I’m so sorry.” Harry clapped a warm hand on her shoulder, his face pained. “Thanks, Potter,” drawled Malfoy. “Now get your hand off my wife.”
“Do these rings prevent me from causing physical harm to you?” “No,” he whispered. Hermione immediately punched him in the chest.
“Oi, plant daddy.” She crossed her arms, cocking her hip. “You got the Death Eater bitch.”
“You know,” said Longbottom evenly, “plants do better when you speak to them nicely. You can call me Daddy if you want to—” Pansy’s lips parted. “But don’t talk about yourself that way. Not in front of the plants. Not in front of me.”
“You got fucking married without me?” howled Theo. “I was meant to be there, Dray! I was going to be your flower boy.” “How do you—What the fuck is a flower boy?” snapped Draco. “I keep telling you I’m never doing a threesome with you again—”
“Because you two make marriage look fun.” “Yes,” said Draco dryly. “It’s a riot.” “My money’s on her, you know.” “Unfortunately,” sighed Draco, “so is mine.”
“You did not just kick my cat.” “Correct. That is neither a cat nor did I kick it. It did, however, try to kill me.” “That’s my good boy,” crooned his wife.
“I would gladly go to Azkaban if—” “No, dear.” Draco turned to her, a sad smile on his lips. “You wouldn’t.”
“Weaselette—” “Ferret—” “Always a pleasure.” “Go fuck yourself,” she said sweetly. Up. Ginevra Potter was going up in the rankings of Most Tolerable Weasley.
“Pansy,” said Draco, “ask Longbottom if he has anything that might accidentally eat a demon pretending to be a cat.”
Society has never cared about the mistreatment of wives—that is why it is our duty to protect our wives ourselves.
“So she does still have the right hook!” Theo studied the front page of the Prophet as Draco stepped out of the floo into his own study. “Hmm, you look delish. Bloody, slutty . . . pathetic.”
“Sweet Salazar’s poxy dick, what is that?” said Theo, stepping from the floo into Draco’s dimly lit study. “This is Mrs. Malfoy’s progeny,” said Draco dryly. The orange abomination sat on his desk, too close to his ledger for comfort. The animal’s expression was excessively judgmental. Draco sneered back. “I am not allowed to kill it.” “But where did it come from?” asked Theo with distaste. “Originally? Hell. This morning? Her rooms. It has escaped the wards.”
It didn’t look like they were enemies. It looked like it was them against the world.
Tell me you love me, he thought stupidly. Tell me I’m worthless. Tell me you want me anyway. Tell me I’m yours.
She looked at him. She turned so she was sitting beside him, her back to his headboard. “You’ll be good?” she asked, looking down at him, watching him. A shiver ran through him. “I’ll be good,” he murmured. “Just for you.”
Malfoy men worship their women,’ ‘Malfoy men don’t stray,’ ‘Malfoy men protect what’s theirs.’
“I didn’t get you a book,” said Malfoy, staring at her. “I got you a bookstore.”
“I want you too.” He rolled his hips, pressing up against her. “Say it again.” She huffed a laugh. So greedy, so needy. But wasn’t she too? “Draco, I want you too.”
Read
September 27, 2025I’m intentionally not rating because I’ve learned the proper etiquette is not to rate fanfics.
BUT JUST KNOW I LOVED THIS.
(THAT PROBABLY BREAKS PROTOCOL BUT LISTEN I HAD TO OKAY. I HAD TO.)
BUT JUST KNOW I LOVED THIS.
(THAT PROBABLY BREAKS PROTOCOL BUT LISTEN I HAD TO OKAY. I HAD TO.)
June 25, 2024
I would not have predicted that one of my favorite reads of the year would be a dramione fanfic but here we are
Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,291 reviews