“On his 20th year all Tsukuru Tazaki could think about was dying…” funny how the opening lines of a novel can hit you like an arrow through the heart. Like Tsukuru I’m twenty years old right now and if I’m going to be honest to myself and to you dear reader, it would be a lie if I said I’ve never thought about dying. To explain it, there is a word used often but seldom understood: Depression. Not only a word, more than an emotional state, beyond Kubler-Ross’ stage of grief, it is a living form of intense sorrow that consumes those under its grasps. It eats away the will; it corrodes the strength, and renders those infected unable to make sense of even the most rudimentary functions. Life trickles away slowly, little by little, like, ironically, a stream of blood gushing out of the body until the heart has nothing more to pump and life is gone.
Haruki Murakami’s Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage revolves around the story of man broken to pieces when his four closest friends abandon him mysteriously. Anybody who’s lost anybody is naturally bound to feel some sense of loss but due to Tsukuru’s circumstances, being that he was an introvert he didn’t easily make friends and that the five of them formed a group so close and complete, their sudden disappearance in his life opened a chasm of sorrow so dark and deep that he never really got out of it. He hit the chasm’s rock bottom, and he experienced a metamorphosis that changed him to his very core. But though he changed, he never really got over that pain. It stirred away in his heart hidden, but it was never gone. And for twenty years he didn’t know why they abandoned him until circumstances dictated and he was forced into a pilgrimage that took him to far away places like Finland to search for answers. He needed it, Tsukuru suffered from disconnect and isolation, in part due to his timid character, but chiefly because he could never let people into his life again lest they hurt him like his old friends did. This intense solitude developed into a raging depression that shrouded his life. You see, depression, once it has taken hold, you are never really free from its grasps. It may be gone for a time, but the sorrow is embedded in your make up and all you can do is accept it as part of who you are. You may be happy for a time, but the sorrow is always more emphasized and even just a bit of it becomes a misery too unbearable. All you want is for the pain to go away, even if it means life has to go away with it.
“One heart is not connected to another through harmony alone. They are, instead, linked deeply through their wounds. Pain linked to pain, fragility to fragility. There is no silence without a cry of grief, no forgiveness without bloodshed, no acceptance without a passage through acute loss. That is what lies at the root of true harmony.”
Connection, acceptance that is all we long for, to share little pieces of our hearts to those around us, and touch theirs in turn. Tsukuru found stability in his otherwise unstable life through people like Haida and Sara. No matter how much he says he prefers loneliness, he is truly happy only when he is with people that he can connect with and accept him for who he truly is. There is a reason why sharing our burdens to others gives a sense of relief. Sorrow is meant to be shared, and pain is meant to be understood. When Tsukuru’s outlet disappeared, he had no one to turn to and bottled everything inside him, that’s why he cracked. We are but fragile containers; too much pressure and we break, we need to pour out to other containers around us to keep ourselves intact. See this is a novel about connections. Making them, losing them, searching for new ones, and finally reflecting whether the connection with life is worth it.
The novel culminates with the possibility of life or death for Tsukuru. We are left to decide his faith, mirroring our choice to decide our own. There is no shame in death, in Murakami’s words it is akin to watching the last train disappear little by little until the light of consciousness is gone. But then sometimes, like Tsukuru, we are so fascinated by the trains coming and going that we disregard the people who come and go with them. It is vital to keep in mind that death, like trains, is only a vehicle, something meant to bring people from one place to another, nothing more. Often we are too taken with minor details that we fail to see what’s truly important. The life we lead, the choices we make, the people we connect with, the memories we create, all define who we are. But our final train ride out of life is all the same, we may take different routes, but we all get to the same place. There is nothing personal about death. Oblivion is all the same. Death doesn’t define us.
Sitting on a bench in a train station platform watching trains go by is one of the most thoughtful and beautiful allegories for death and depression I’ve ever come across. And it is indeed difficult to look away and find motivation in something else when you’ve been staring at trains for so long. But you can never look away unless you decide that there is something better to look forward to - hope. Hope that someone will sit beside you and take your breath away. Hope that you have a connection. Hope that things will get better. Hope that you will be happy. Hope that the future holds so much more. As said in Tsukuru’s parting words “…hope will never simply vanish.”
Murakami’s ability to masterfully string up a novel on a topic so delicate attests to his quiet greatness. His melodic tone is perfectly balanced throughout, never alienating nor dramatizing. And though it takes a while to build up, it never lets down. Certain elements in the novel may have been left hanging but ultimately the fundamental issues are resolved. All things considered, this is a touching and enriching journey to take, one that I’d look forward to taking again in the future.
If you’re sitting on a bench in a train station platform watching the trains go by, get up and go. There are people to connect with, choices to make, and memories to create, I hope.