Ask Me His Name: Learning to live and laugh again after the loss of my baby

by Elle Wright

The Sunday Times Bestseller

'A beautiful book' Giovanna Fletcher
'Will stay with you long after you have put it down' Jools Oliver
'Bold, compelling... will blow you away' Marina Fogle
'Heartbreaking... such an important read' Sarah Turner (The Unmumsy Mum)


***********************************************

What do you do when the unthinkable happens?

Elle Wright had an admittedly easy pregnancy, and in May 2016 she and her husband welcomed their son, Teddy, into the world. Just a few hours later, they woke to find him cold and unresponsive, and the happiest day of Elle's life had turned into every parent's worst nightmare. Three days after delivering him into the world, she sat with Teddy as he took his last breaths, and tucked him in for the final time.

Ask Me His Name is a moving account of Elle's pregnancy, Teddy's life, and what happens when a mother leaves hospital with empty arms. In the UK, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, but conversations about the heartbreakingly frequent experience are few and far between. In this honest and hopeful exploration of mothering, Elle shows us how she navigated a parenthood no one had prepared her for.

* A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to Tommy's charity. Reg. (1060508) *

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Grief, Adult, Parenting

320 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 6, 2018

About the author

Elle Wright is a wife, mother, homemaker and blogger. After the death of her son, Teddy, at three days old, Elle started writing to navigate her new life and as a way to feel purpose again. Her Feathering The Empty Nest blog is a way of finding light in darkness, positivity in times of desperation and, hopefully, making a few people laugh along the way.

Elle was the 2018 recipient of the Mum's Voice Award from Tommy's, the baby charity, which celebrates one mum who has spoken out about her own pregnancy experience and given hope to others. Elle would love to hear from you, and you can find her at:

www.featheringtheemptynest.co.uk
www.instagram.com/feathering_the_empt...

Reviews

[Elaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 Guess How Much I Love You Stars

Sometimes you come across a book where you feel a connection. I wasn't sure why as I had never suffered a loss of a child but the way Elle Wright talked about her son Teddy with so much love I wanted to get to know him too.

Elle's pregnancy was trouble free. Two excited parents looking forward to the birth of their baby.
Teddy arrived safely. But soon after he was born it became apparent that something was seriously wrong.
Teddy lived 3 days.....

What then follows is Elle's journey. The devastating grief then the slow healing. Its an incredible story of a mothers heartbreak, yet filled with love and honesty.
How many of us find it hard when confronted with a loss. To know what to say to comfort that person. Imagine a loss of a child that would be indescribable
to us all, yet the author helped me understand and she helps to take away the stigma behind a loss of a child.

Her whole journey is moving yet inspirational. Beautifully written.
Thank you for sharing Teddy's story with me.


You know that place between sleep and awake, the one where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I will always love you, that’s where I’ll be waiting.

[Vix S · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve followed Elle on Instagram for quite some time now, so was already aware of her story and the devestating loss of baby Teddy when I bought this book. It’s a story I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, but Elle, Nico, their families and friends have handled it with such grace, honesty and sensitivity that we, as an audience, should consider ourselves lucky to have had our eyes opened by them. Elle has certainly made me think twice about the way I view pregnancy, childbirth, loss and death. Teddy’s story has also had a direct impact on friends of mine who have dealt with loss, and for that, Elle, I thank you for sharing <3

[Susan Crowley]

This is a very good book for both those who have lost a baby and for those who care about someone who has. I read as the latter. I read as a friend and also a nurse to peer into this world to better understand a situation not my own, to be more insightful and equipped to care for a loved friend in this painful landscape. Elle writes with great honesty, clarity and hope. Exceptional writing.

[Hannah Nowak · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish this didn't speak so true to how I'm feeling😢

[Katherine Winesburg · Rating 5 out of 5]

The way Elle writes about her son's death...beautifully heartbreaking. Her words slowly brought me back to life after my daughter's death and made me feel less alone. If you are grieving a child or know someone who is this is a great one!

[Jackie · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s hard to review this book when it is such a heart-breaking, personal story and when the author and I have such different world views and ways of coping with loss. But I am so grateful for the conversations this book starts- we can talk about infant loss, because sadly it happens too often and needs to be confronted. I really appreciate how Elle challenges our definition of motherhood and points out that many mothers continue on in the journey without their precious little ones - empty arms, nothing to show for their motherhood. But they should be acknowledged as mothers, and incredibly courageous ones at that.
The title alone is incredibly poignant and communicates so much - yes, ask me her name. I would love to tell you all about her. The refrain of all mothers whose little ones died too soon.

[Katherine Hutcheson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I chose this book to educate myself how to better support the bereaved/bereaving families I work with. And the families that are grieving the loss of the child they’d anticipated. Elle writes so honestly, with vulnerability and awareness, I got so absorbed in her story. Her determination to help others and raise awareness during her darkest days is astounding. We can’t shy away from these discussions, by facing them we can help the bereaved moved forward but not away from their loved ones. A life is a life, no matter how short.

[Liv Bebbington · Rating 5 out of 5]

Be prepared to not be able to put this down after starting it. Without a doubt the most heart breaking, traumatic book I’ve ever read. But I felt it was important to read.

I’ve followed Elle’s story for the last few years after hearing her interview on Loose Women with Marina Fogle during baby loss awareness month. How do you say the right thing? How do you help? If you’ve wondered these questions, you have to read this book. Elle explains so brilliantly what to say in these situations & it’s so helpful to know what isn’t helpful.

I think one’s like Elle & Nico are the bravest people, how they cope I do not know.

[Tara Brabazon · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book that shares the narrative of Elle Wright, who gave birth to Teddy. He died three days after he was born.

It is moving and captures the scope and scale of grief and loss. It also shows the failure of medical and health professions. The book discusses alternative strategies to 'move forward' - not move on. These include alternative therapies and journaling. She maintains a blog and Instagram account and has built a strong community.

My critique is that the exploration of grief did require more complexity and generalizability. That is always the challenge in this genre of book. The story is incredibly sad. But how it can enable others and their pathway from tragedy remains assumed, not constructed.

These stories must be told and shared. Deaths such as these must be discussed and understood. This book enacts a strong strategy to share this tragic experience.

[Gemma Plant · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply beautiful

A voice that articulated so well the truth of baby loss. Elle is an inspirational woman and reading as someone who lost a child I could identify with everything she said. Teddy would be so proud x

[Kayleigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

The quickest I have read a book this year, could not put it down. Couldn't read the last chapter for the tears. Heartbreaking.. inspiring.. I have never experienced loss of a baby but this opened my eyes to how very British we all are and how awkward people can be around the subject. No one talks about it, it's so taboo. Hopefully mums like Elle have started the conversation and we shouldn't be afraid to talk about it and learn how we can help those who have been through the unthinkable.

[Megan Matthews · Rating 4 out of 5]

An honest account of grief and active ways to help heal yourself or people you love. I felt like I knew Elle (the author) personally and this book left me filled with love and sadness mixed into one.

[Leanne Keenoo · Rating 5 out of 5]

A mother’s story of her baby Teddy who died at 3 days old after a problem free pregnancy and birth.
Obviously it’s sad and hard hitting but it’s also a great book as Elle is getting to rid Society of the stigma surrounding infant loss and she has also raised awareness on social media as well as raising lots of money to buy vital equipment for neonatal intensive care units

[Marie Manson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing read so well written. Broke my heart all over again 💙

[Document Of Books · Rating 4 out of 5]

An important book to raise awareness for baby loss and dealing with grief. Heartbreaking, hopeful & honest.

[Michaela Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could just read this book over and over. I have read lots of books from well-known authors on child loss, but this is most certainly the one that has spoken to me the most. Elle speaks so eloquently and in a way that feels like a conversation. She doesn't pretend to have all the answers or to offer you a roadmap out of grief, but to sit with you in it.

[Lucy Gilfedder-Finn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful yet heartbreaking. Read in one day! Elle is an inspiration

[Miss Emmanuella C Mariosa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Moved me to tears

Honest, heart breaking and yet beautifully uplifting account of Elle and her baby boy Teddy, whom she did not get to bring home. Well written and evokes so many emotions that I have to admit, I cried a good few times whilst reading it.

I found this helpful even for me so I could better support my family after our loss- to know that we are not alone, to know that you can eventually have hope again and most importantly to create a legacy for our Ciro just like Elle did for Teddy. In short to prove you can survive as long as you have love.

Definitely worth a read.

[Sarah Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not a book I would normally pick to read but I have followed Elle Wright on Instagram (Feathering the Empty Nest) and so I knew she had recently published a book about her story, so I thought I would give Ask Me His Name a read. I knew a little of Elle’s story and how she lost her son, Teddy at just 3 days old but didn’t know the full circumstances around his birth and his loss.

Elle writes beautifully, from the heart, is open and honest about her journey into motherhood. It is a sad story, but one filled with love and hope. It made me laugh and it made me cry. Elle talks about her loss and that of her family’s journey with an openness and honesty that is very moving. A story of loss, which could be related to any loss that an individual has suffered. I know I did. Talking about loss is a difficult subject and one that many people to this day do not like to speak of or know how to talk to someone who is grieving. I agree with Elle that it is something that you simply do not get over, a loss stays with you, shapes the person you are and never leaves you. You do not get over the loss of a loved one, you simply learn to live with it. Maybe we should all consider how to speak to someone who has suffered a loss. Sometimes we mean well but we can say the wrong thing.

Although I was never fortunate to have a child of my own, despite 5 failed attempts at Ivf, I still could relate to this book. The desire to have a family and a child of your own was something that resonated with me. Life can be so cruel, but we have to find a way to live our lives in the world we have been given. This is an amazing story about Teddy’s life and the legacy that he has left. I wish Elle and Nico all the best for the future, I am sure that Teddy would be very proud of his parents.

[Alice Beatrice Thea · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first glance, with only the title and the subject matter to go on, you could well assume ‘Ask Me His Name’ is about one thing – death. Neonatal death. However, after multiple reads of this, I can safely confirm Elle Wright’s debut non-fiction tale of her and her husband losing their little boy, Teddy, at 74 hours old is about so much more than his death. It’s a love story. It’s a story of a lifesaving pug, of unique friendships, of the strength of family bonds, and, of crawling out of the depths of unfathomable grief to achieve something wondrous for others and to honour the life of a person (however brief), and, not simply their death.

The cover of my copy also reads “A Mother’s Story of Hope” and “Learning to live and laugh again after the loss of my baby”, and, that is exactly what this text emulates.

Wright shows us something good can, has, and will continue to come out of the tragedy of baby loss (also, that it doesn’t have to be done with toxic positivity).

As it stands today, Teddy’s legacy fundraising page has raised nearly a hundred thousand pounds for the neonatal pot allocated by the charitable trust of St Peter’s Hospital in Surrey, where Teddy breathed his last breaths in Elle’s arms.
A proportion of the proceeds from ‘Ask Me His Name’ goes to the baby loss charity, Tommy’s. Tommy’s is an incredible resource for not only bereaved parents, but, its Pregnancy Hub has a wealth of guidance from evidence-based research.

READ MY FULL REVIEW ON STORYGRAPH!

[Megan Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Elle Wright had an admittedly easy pregnancy - her scans went well, she and her baby were healthy throughout, and in May 2016, she and her husband welcomed their son, Teddy, into the world. Just a few hours after giving birth, they woke to find a nurse holding a cold and unresponsive Teddy, who had stopped breathing during the night. The happiest day of Elle's life had turned into every parent's worst nightmare, and she had to let her beautiful baby boy go. Three days after delivering him into the world, Elle sat with Teddy in her arms as he took his last breaths, and tucked him in for the final time.
Wow this book is simply stunning. Wright has written a very powerful, moving account of her tragedy. I knew this would be a difficult read but I did not realise how emotive it would be, I was that person sat on public transport desperately blinking back tears. Despite this, I found myself filled with hope reading this, Wright's outlook is inspiring and beautiful and I adored her thoughts on events. This is a very hard read but also a very gripping read, I was immersed into Wright's life and simply could not put this down, getting to know Teddy and his family is an experience I will never forget.
I particularly liked how Wright has written this, of course this is about Teddy and her life after his death and yet Wright does not dwell on what happened, yes there is an overview but this is more about emotions and thoughts that were experienced and moving on and looking to the future. This is a very special book and one that I am not sure I will ever forget.
'Ask Me His Name' is very emotive, very powerful and very sad but this is so worth it. Despite feeling like the wrong thing to say, I adored this book and the way Wright has written it. Simply stunning.
Thank you to NetGalley and Kings Road Publishing for an advance copy.

[Anya Bird · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not a book I’d recommend reading shortly after your baby dies (oops, I have now learnt this lesson). There were some very relatable parts but although the author repeatedly refers to everyone grieving differently, much of the content is also quite sneering/judgmental of those who do grieve differently to her, despite her having to go through much of what she judges in others to get to the place where she can be what she views as unendingly positive (I’d query this). There are also some very sweeping statements about how society ‘should’ respond to baby loss vs how society does - and in some cases I agree wholeheartedly but in others I’d say the exact opposite. Clearly, a one size fits all approach is not the answer. While this is an interesting personal account, this book is not really what the write ups suggest and definitely not a helpful ‘guide’ - I’d say to wait a good while before reading this, if at all. If you’re looking for something more practical, I’d look at ‘Loving You From Here’.

[Julia Bailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most heartbreakingly raw yet also beautifully written books I’ve read in a long time. The overall story is truest devastating, with an insight into the emotions and mental health that comes with losing a child. The overall book is written from the heart that it’s hard not to get emotionally attached as a reader. At times it was difficult to read through the tears, but this is one of the books I will remember for a long time. Although I’ve never been in this mother’s position, i truly believe the book had given people an insight into the affects losing a child has on someone. In addition I wanted to buy this book knowing some of the proceeds were going to a very valued charitable cause. Would highly recommend anyone to read this book, not only for the emotional reconnection to reality, but also the fact it’s such a beautifully written story in memory of someone so dear. It truly gives you a better meaning to life and puts your life into perspective.

[Veronica Blancato · Rating 4 out of 5]

As one would imagine, I picked up this book for a very personal reason, after losing my own daughter just three weeks before her due date.

Elle captured much of the sentiment of this unique kind of grief, something I really needed in the early days of my own grief, to feel less alone and hear more and more stories of women like me. It’s a heartbreaking story. One that almost can’t be believed. It’s hard to read a story like this and have anything other than positive feedback.

I think Elle is a mother who wrote about her story, not a writer who wrote about being a mother. That is what keeps it from being a five-star book for me. I reserve those ratings for books that changed my life or stayed with me in some permanent way. But this book was the crutch I needed to know I am not alone in this, and it sparks a dialogue that so many of us need to be having about pregnancy loss, especially stillbirth and neonatal loss, which is the most stigmatized and shoved under the rug.

[Chloe Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a neonatal nurse, my first “book photo” and review has to go to Elle Wright. I’ve followed Elle’s story long before even thinking about starting this account and I often think about this story whilst at work with other parents and babies within the NICU. It’s an emotional story that had me crying whilst reading it in the bath and many times into my glass of wine.

Elle and Teddy’s story whilst heartbreaking is also inspiring in how she talks about Teddy. Being able to shine a light in even the darkest of moments and be absolutely heart-rendering to read, has lots of positive moments and messages. Even though it is a tough read, please don’t shy away and always remember to ask their name.

[Jennifer Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just received this amazing book last week as part of a package sent by the lovely folks over at Teddy’s Wish. Thank you so much to them for sending this over to me! For anyone who’s dealt with baby loss or is looking to understand baby loss a bit more, I couldn’t recommend this book enough. I sobbed several times whilst reading it but it will help anyone who’s suffering with baby loss feel just that little bit less alone. This book has brought me so much comfort since reading it. I really admire the author’s strength in writing this book and really made me feel that I needed to share some of my daughter, Louisa-May’s journey so that I can keep her memory alive. It’s a heartbreaking story about love and loss.

[Mommy Reads And Reviews · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hard to write a review on this beautiful book about grief but also about hope. I followed Elle on Instagram and had learnt about her son Teddy and his death only a few days after his birth through her photos and stories, shared with bravery and love. Simply heart wrenching and though provoking. I really admired her descriptions of self care in the face of trauma and how slowing down and focusing on yourself and your pain is healthy and necessary. Find Elle on instagram @featheringtheemptynest for daily accounts of her and her pug Boris’s days. Elle shows us the strength of the human spirit in the face of the unfairness of the world. A
Must read!

[Katie Gill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking

Elle and Nico tell Teddy's story with such dignity and grace. Teddy's memo will live on, and I am honoured to have read his story and known of his journey. This is such a humbling, and heartbreaking read, it is beautifully written and at times will leave you with a hard lump in your throat or sobbing.
Not many people know how the utter devastation that is caused by the death of a baby, but how Elle describes it is so breathtaking. And she is devastatingly right, as I recall of my own mother, back in 1994.
There is still such a taboo and secrecy around baby loss and there shouldn't be. Ask Me His Name is the perfect title, about a perfect little boy.

[Jessica-Ann · Rating 2 out of 5]

I managed to relate to a lot, which was nice in not feeling so alone. But your views on fertility treatment when you first started talking about it where really disrespectful and harsh. I went from recognising your pain to feeling disgusted with myself because my only option in life IS fertility treatment, I never even got a chance at TTC naturally. You made it sound like it was the end of the world for you, and if that's the case, what does that mean for me?
You made an already difficult journey, that I'm struggling more with after losing my baby (at 29 weeks from TTC for 5 years, 2 of which with fertility treatment) a little bit harder and I assure you its hard enough.

[Kayley Allard · Rating 5 out of 5]

A truly emotional read that not only shares the story of Teddy but educates us all

I have followed Elle on insta pretty much since the beginning. I have followed her journey, admired her courage, enjoyed her jokes and heard all about Teddy. I knew I needed to read this book. It was so much more than I expected. So many emotions. As a mummy myself it has made me look even closer to what I have and cuddle them that little bit tighter. I hope to God that I never have to use what if learnt in this book either for myself or someone close to me. 100% Teddy will be proud!