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Surrendering to Marriage
Iris Krasnow focuses us on real marriage. The truth is that bliss may be there at dawn and gone by lunch, she admits, and there are as many times that you feel like saying Screw you as you feel like saying I love you. In this book, Krasnow leads us through all of it -- the bliss and the blunders -- and with her we journey to the heart of the mystery. It s boring, confusing, sexy, stupid, hilarious, dark, and overwhelming; it s marriage.
Through a series of interviews with those who have married, cheated, divorced, and remarried, Krasnow pieces out a shattered portrait of what we can expect from our vows. Each marriage is different, Krasnow shows us; some rest on friendship, while others crackle with sexual tension. But each is battered by a similar struggle. As remarried couples therapist Dr. Isaiah Zimmerman explains, At the heart of most problems is anger that you aren t getting what you think you are entitled to. We struggle with marriage, says Zimmerman (and Krasnow), because that s how we finally grow up.
Krasnow wanders among different kinds of marriages, offering us perspective and thoughtful reflection. That is what is moving about this book: Like marriage, it s a container for divergent, warring perspectives that can never be totally resolved. It s not easy, but it opens our eyes to the dark beauty of love.
Through a series of interviews with those who have married, cheated, divorced, and remarried, Krasnow pieces out a shattered portrait of what we can expect from our vows. Each marriage is different, Krasnow shows us; some rest on friendship, while others crackle with sexual tension. But each is battered by a similar struggle. As remarried couples therapist Dr. Isaiah Zimmerman explains, At the heart of most problems is anger that you aren t getting what you think you are entitled to. We struggle with marriage, says Zimmerman (and Krasnow), because that s how we finally grow up.
Krasnow wanders among different kinds of marriages, offering us perspective and thoughtful reflection. That is what is moving about this book: Like marriage, it s a container for divergent, warring perspectives that can never be totally resolved. It s not easy, but it opens our eyes to the dark beauty of love.
256 pages, Paperback
First published May 16, 2001
8 people are currently reading
170 people want to read
About the author
Iris Krasnow
15 books52 followersIris Krasnow was born and raised in Oak Park, Illinois. A graduate of Stanford University, she became the fashion writer for the Dallas Times Herald, then moved to United Press International in Washington, D.C. for the position of national feature writer. In her several years at UPI, Krasnow specialized in lifestyle stories and celebrity profiles, including Yoko Ono, Billy Graham, Ted Kennedy, Elie Wiesel and Queen Noor of Jordan.
Krasnow is the author of SURRENDERING TO MOTHERHOOD, the New York Times bestseller SURRENDERING TO MARRIAGE, and SURRENDERING TO YOURSELF, all published by Miramax Books, as well as the newly-released I Am My Mother's Daughter (Basic Books). Her writing has been featured in many national publications, among them Parade magazine, The Wall Street Journal, SELF magazine and The Washington Post. Krasnow is the relationship correspondent for the Fox Morning News in Baltimore, and has been a guest on numerous national radio and television programs including Oprah, Good Morning America, The Today Show, CBS Early Show, Fox & Family and several times on CNN. Interviews with Krasnow, and reviews of her work, have appeared in Time, O The Oprah Magazine, Glamour, The New Yorker, U.S. News & World Report and Redbook.
A longtime journalism professor at American University, Krasnow lives in Maryland with her husband and four sons. She speaks on marriage, childrearing and "female generational angst" to groups across the country.
Krasnow is the author of SURRENDERING TO MOTHERHOOD, the New York Times bestseller SURRENDERING TO MARRIAGE, and SURRENDERING TO YOURSELF, all published by Miramax Books, as well as the newly-released I Am My Mother's Daughter (Basic Books). Her writing has been featured in many national publications, among them Parade magazine, The Wall Street Journal, SELF magazine and The Washington Post. Krasnow is the relationship correspondent for the Fox Morning News in Baltimore, and has been a guest on numerous national radio and television programs including Oprah, Good Morning America, The Today Show, CBS Early Show, Fox & Family and several times on CNN. Interviews with Krasnow, and reviews of her work, have appeared in Time, O The Oprah Magazine, Glamour, The New Yorker, U.S. News & World Report and Redbook.
A longtime journalism professor at American University, Krasnow lives in Maryland with her husband and four sons. She speaks on marriage, childrearing and "female generational angst" to groups across the country.
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Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
October 25, 2009
Iris Krasnow elegantly puts together her thoughts about marriage, all of them, the good, the bad and the ugly.
I really enjoy the way Krasnow writes with such honesty, humor and style. Your getting a slice of her life raw and uncensored. This is the best part of the book but can also be the most tedious. At times she seemed to repeat herself and tends as any mother does to wax a little long abut her four boys.
The book intersperses interviews with people of varying ages, both men and women with Krasnow's own insights. Some of these stories enraged me, some saddened me and still others gave some darn good advice.
In an era of disposable everything, it is refreshing to read Krasnow's view of honoring the promise made at the marriage ceremony..to stay in for the duration in good times and bad. Surrendering our need to pursue pleasure one hundred percent of the time and experience the darker side of the relationship we end with a truly deep, rich and satisfying state that only battered, weathered couples appreciate.
As Iris Krasnow so simply and insightfully puts it " And so we are bound, inextricably, working on making it until forever, one hour at a time." An insightful, humorous, sometimes painful look at a complex subject.
I really enjoy the way Krasnow writes with such honesty, humor and style. Your getting a slice of her life raw and uncensored. This is the best part of the book but can also be the most tedious. At times she seemed to repeat herself and tends as any mother does to wax a little long abut her four boys.
The book intersperses interviews with people of varying ages, both men and women with Krasnow's own insights. Some of these stories enraged me, some saddened me and still others gave some darn good advice.
In an era of disposable everything, it is refreshing to read Krasnow's view of honoring the promise made at the marriage ceremony..to stay in for the duration in good times and bad. Surrendering our need to pursue pleasure one hundred percent of the time and experience the darker side of the relationship we end with a truly deep, rich and satisfying state that only battered, weathered couples appreciate.
As Iris Krasnow so simply and insightfully puts it " And so we are bound, inextricably, working on making it until forever, one hour at a time." An insightful, humorous, sometimes painful look at a complex subject.
June 12, 2008
This is an outstanding book and one I plan to make an annual reread. I'm glad I stumbled across it now. We all need to be reminded that the grass is not really greener on the other side.
January 14, 2009
guess I should have read this before the wedding...
September 3, 2016
Outstanding. There's a ton of great stuff in this book, but here's Krasnow's four main findings after three years of researching marriage and interviewing people:
1. Marriage can be hell.
2. The grass is not greener on the other side.
3. Savor the highs, because one thing you can count on: the dips are just around the corner
4. You may as well love the one you're with--no one is perfect.
But very much worth the read.
1. Marriage can be hell.
2. The grass is not greener on the other side.
3. Savor the highs, because one thing you can count on: the dips are just around the corner
4. You may as well love the one you're with--no one is perfect.
But very much worth the read.
February 18, 2008
I read quite a few books on marriage before getting hitched. This is the best that I've read and I will continue to read it every now and then to remind me of what I learned. I agree with Krasnow's prespective on marriage and enjoyed her writing.
April 22, 2011
Marriage (noun): legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife.
Marriageable (adjective): old enough or suitable for marriage
Marry (verb): take somebody as a husband or wife; join as husband and wife; find suitable partner for
Married (adjective): having a husband or wife
Itulah definisi singkat mengenai pernikahan dari Oxford Pocket Dictionary.
Namun, hal-hal apakah yang ada di balik pernikahan? Apa yang membuat suatu pernikahan bisa bertahan hingga puluhan tahun dan tak tergoyahkan oleh usia, perselingkuhan, penyakit, bahkan kematian? Sungguhkah ada bentuk cinta yang tak lekang dimakan zaman?
Dalam buku yang melalui riset nyaris selama tiga tahun inilah, Iris Krasnow mencoba merumuskan jawabannya.
***
Buku setebal 236 halaman ini terdiri atas tiga bagian. Bagian pertama, The Malaise, secara garis besar bertutur tentang hal-hal yang memicu retaknya pernikahan. Beberapa diantaranya, kejenuhan akan rutinitas harian, minimnya komunikasi, dan perselingkuhan. Chloe, misalnya. Selain mengungkapkan keluhan ”We do not connect” atas suaminya, Chloe juga menyatakan keinginannya: ”I miss romance. I feel like I need a total escape. I need the thrill of a new face. I need a new flirtation. I need to be around someone who makes me feel like a vital force..” (hal 37).
Hal yang kurang lebih senada diungkapkan narasumber lain, Cindy. Seorang istri militer dengan tiga anak dari South Carolina ini mengungkapkan pernikahannya yang tanpa keintiman. Cindy dan suaminya bisa melewati sembilan bulan tanpa seks, karena respon dingin sang suami. ”I miss having someone to hug. I miss knowing that someone thinks I’m pretty..” ujarnya (hal 53).
Dilanjutkan dengan bagian kedua buku ini, The Choice. Seperti tajuknya, The Choice bertutur tentang pilihan, baik itu perceraian maupun pilihan untuk kembali memperbaiki pernikahan. Ada Liza, yang menceraikan suaminya yang berprofesi sebagai kardiolog, karena jatuh cinta pada John, seorang pelari kelas dunia. Setelah memutuskan untuk tinggal bersama John, Liza kemudian menyadari bahwa ”I saw that both of these guys were falling short of perfection, neither was 100 percent. What I really wanted to do was blend them together into one person; it would have been the perfect man.” (hal 87). Dan setelah melalui dua tahun perpisahan dengan suaminya, Liza berujar ”I don’t feel like I did the right thing or I did the wrong thing. I feel like I made a choice and I knew there would be consequences, as there every time you take one fork in the road...” (hal 88).
Dan ada May, istri dari seorang dokter hewan kota. Mengalami krisis paruh baya, suami May berselingkuh dengan salah seorang kliennya. Perselingkuhan selama tiga tahun lebih itu kemudian memicu sang suami untuk meninggalkan May.
Sampai pada suatu malam, suami May tiba-tiba datang. ”..he must have been struck by how different our house is, clean, soft music, good food, his children around. And he started complaining to me about his lady friend...” (hal 103). Saat minum kopi bersama May, sang suami juga bercerita bahwa ia mencoba untuk ”membawa” atmosfer rumah lamanya ke dalam rumah barunya. ”He would try and make them nice dinners, light candles and play music, like we did, but it wasn’t the same. That it was just horrible and made him miss us even more.” (hal 105). Akhirnya, setelah berjanji untuk tidak lagi melakukan komunikasi apapun dengan wanita itu, suami May pun diizinkan untuk kembali ke rumah dan bersama-sama memperbaiki pernikahan.
Upaya untuk memperbaiki pernikahan juga dilakukan oleh Jacob, seorang wartawan dari Sarasota. Setelah delapan belas tahun pernikahan, istri Jacob mengaku bahwa dirinya tengah jatuh cinta pada seorang wanita usia dua puluhan. ”I accepted the betrayal. I accepted that she may have a thing for women. I figured that I would absorb that blow because I adore being married and because I adore my family.” (hal 108). Selama beberapa waktu, Jacob pun mencoba untuk meromantisasi kembali pernikahan mereka. Ia mengirimi istrinya bunga, mengajak candle light dinner dan liburan akhir pekan. Namun sayang, upayanya tak berbuah manis. ”We would go away for a weekend and I’d be thinking we were having a beautiful time and I’d get back and would see in her emails that she was longing for someone else.” (hal 108). Meski demikian, Jacob mengakui bahwa lebih mudah baginya merelakan istrinya pergi untuk seorang wanita, ketimbang pria. ”Why is that? I can’t compete,” ujarnya (hal 109).
***
Pada bagian ketiga dari buku ini, Krasnow mengambil tajuk The Surrendering. Bertutur tentang komitmen untuk mempertahankan pernikahan, Krasnow mengambil sampel wawancara dari para pasangan yang telah melalui pahit asam pernikahan. Ada pasangan elegan Ruby dan Sam dari New York yang menjalani pernikahan dengan penyakit disfungsi seksual yang diderita Sam.
Kemudian ada Dee Frankfurter, wanita usia enam puluhan yang telah melewati empat puluh tahun pernikahan bersama suaminya, Dick. ”Marriage for me was a process of discovering that I was at least as right, if not more right, some of the time,” ujarnya (hal 135). Lebih lanjut Dee menjelaskan ”Our life together wasn’t a competition, but a process of listening carefully and respecting—respect is a very important factor. You need to respect, as well as love each other. Respect to me means having an enormous regard for the integrity of your mate’s opinions and ideas, and absolutely never belittling or shooting the other down.” (hal 135).
Menurut Dee, Dick yang telah meninggal tujuh tahun lalu, adalah sahabat terbaiknya. ”Neither one of us had a lot of time buddying around with others, never. We were each other’s best friends. And yes, there was romance. We told each other we loved each other every day, every single day. When he died, I didn’t have to feel guilty that he didn’t know I loved him..” (hal 136).
Ada pula pasangan Joshua dan Nan dari Washington. Memiliki dua anak yang terlahir dengan cerebral parsy, membuat pernikahan Joshua dan Nan nyata dan tak terpisahkan. “Each day is about surrender, responding to their needs, and yes, giving up a lot of freedom, for both of us. I am tied. This is it,” ujar Joshua (hal 176).
Dengan seorang anak yang berjalan dengan alat bantu dan seorang lagi menggunakan kursi roda, Joshua mengaku harus bangun empat sampai lima kali semalam untuk membantu mengembalikan posisi tidur anaknya. Anak sulungnya yang berusia 17 tahun belum bisa untuk membuka kancing baju atau melepas sabuknya sendiri, sehingga harus dibantu. “We do it, and there’s no one you can get mad at,” ujar Joshua (hal 176). Tidak saling menyalahkan inilah yang juga menjadi prinsip utama pernikahan Joshua dan Nan.
Setelah melewati dua bagian sebelumnya yang banyak berisi kisah muram mengenai pernikahan, membaca bagian ketiga buku ini sungguh sangat meneduhkan.
***
Sebagai dosen jurnalistik di American University yang mengajarkan mata kuliah The Art of Feature and Profile Writing, buku ini sungguh menggambarkan kedalaman riset Krasnow serta kepiawaiannya mewawancarai narasumber dan menggali aspek personal mereka. Kepada Jonathan Burnham, presiden dan pemimpin redaksi Talk Miramax Books, penulis yang dua bukunya telah diterjemahkan ke dalam bahasa Indonesia ini, sempat berseloroh “The only way I can do this books is if I approach it is as if I were a foreign correspondent dispatched to a strange country, like I had just been dropped into Bangladesh.”
Tak hanya mewawancarai sejumlah pasangan—termasuk juga pasangan gay, Krasnow juga mewawancarai sejumlah penulis buku tentang pernikahan, serta pengacara yang menangani perceraian. Bahkan demi mendapatkan narasi orang pertama secara detil, Krasnow meminta asistennya, Betsy Doughty untuk mewawancarai Krasnow. Bersama dengan Doughty, Krasnow juga memilah-milah tumpukan buku dan majalah, untuk menyarikan sejumlah kutipan, yang memperkaya buku ini.
Tanpa sungkan, Krasnow juga menuturkan sebagian kisah dari pernikahannya dengan Chuck Anthony, yang membuahkan tiga orang putra. Tak hanya bagian manis saat ia menyadari Chuck adalah ayah terbaik bagi putra-putranya, Krasnow juga berbagi masa-masa saat mereka bertengkar dan menjalani terapi pernikahan. Diakuinya, selama menyusun buku ini: “We still have an imperfect marriage. But my attitude changed—dramatically. I now accept and expect imperfection. I surrender to this imperfect marriage, because I love it more than I hate it and I committed to this man with a promise that I need to, we all need to, do our best to fulfill.” (hal 2-3).
Kata “surrender” yang sama juga diangkat Chuck dalam Back Page from Chuck dari buku ini. “It’s not surrendered in the past tense, as if something’s already accomplished; it’s not surrender, as in a command that you must do such-and-such. It’s surrendering—an unfolding process in the present and into the future. Our marriage is certainly a work-in-progress, as it should be. The sharpness of Iris’s profound insights can’t always be in focus for either of us—we’ve got jobs to do, kids to raise, and dozens other distractions. But those fleeting glimpses of why we’re together sustain us, even when we can’t stand to be in the same room. I got you, babe.” (hal 236).
Marriageable (adjective): old enough or suitable for marriage
Marry (verb): take somebody as a husband or wife; join as husband and wife; find suitable partner for
Married (adjective): having a husband or wife
Itulah definisi singkat mengenai pernikahan dari Oxford Pocket Dictionary.
Namun, hal-hal apakah yang ada di balik pernikahan? Apa yang membuat suatu pernikahan bisa bertahan hingga puluhan tahun dan tak tergoyahkan oleh usia, perselingkuhan, penyakit, bahkan kematian? Sungguhkah ada bentuk cinta yang tak lekang dimakan zaman?
Dalam buku yang melalui riset nyaris selama tiga tahun inilah, Iris Krasnow mencoba merumuskan jawabannya.
***
Buku setebal 236 halaman ini terdiri atas tiga bagian. Bagian pertama, The Malaise, secara garis besar bertutur tentang hal-hal yang memicu retaknya pernikahan. Beberapa diantaranya, kejenuhan akan rutinitas harian, minimnya komunikasi, dan perselingkuhan. Chloe, misalnya. Selain mengungkapkan keluhan ”We do not connect” atas suaminya, Chloe juga menyatakan keinginannya: ”I miss romance. I feel like I need a total escape. I need the thrill of a new face. I need a new flirtation. I need to be around someone who makes me feel like a vital force..” (hal 37).
Hal yang kurang lebih senada diungkapkan narasumber lain, Cindy. Seorang istri militer dengan tiga anak dari South Carolina ini mengungkapkan pernikahannya yang tanpa keintiman. Cindy dan suaminya bisa melewati sembilan bulan tanpa seks, karena respon dingin sang suami. ”I miss having someone to hug. I miss knowing that someone thinks I’m pretty..” ujarnya (hal 53).
Dilanjutkan dengan bagian kedua buku ini, The Choice. Seperti tajuknya, The Choice bertutur tentang pilihan, baik itu perceraian maupun pilihan untuk kembali memperbaiki pernikahan. Ada Liza, yang menceraikan suaminya yang berprofesi sebagai kardiolog, karena jatuh cinta pada John, seorang pelari kelas dunia. Setelah memutuskan untuk tinggal bersama John, Liza kemudian menyadari bahwa ”I saw that both of these guys were falling short of perfection, neither was 100 percent. What I really wanted to do was blend them together into one person; it would have been the perfect man.” (hal 87). Dan setelah melalui dua tahun perpisahan dengan suaminya, Liza berujar ”I don’t feel like I did the right thing or I did the wrong thing. I feel like I made a choice and I knew there would be consequences, as there every time you take one fork in the road...” (hal 88).
Dan ada May, istri dari seorang dokter hewan kota. Mengalami krisis paruh baya, suami May berselingkuh dengan salah seorang kliennya. Perselingkuhan selama tiga tahun lebih itu kemudian memicu sang suami untuk meninggalkan May.
Sampai pada suatu malam, suami May tiba-tiba datang. ”..he must have been struck by how different our house is, clean, soft music, good food, his children around. And he started complaining to me about his lady friend...” (hal 103). Saat minum kopi bersama May, sang suami juga bercerita bahwa ia mencoba untuk ”membawa” atmosfer rumah lamanya ke dalam rumah barunya. ”He would try and make them nice dinners, light candles and play music, like we did, but it wasn’t the same. That it was just horrible and made him miss us even more.” (hal 105). Akhirnya, setelah berjanji untuk tidak lagi melakukan komunikasi apapun dengan wanita itu, suami May pun diizinkan untuk kembali ke rumah dan bersama-sama memperbaiki pernikahan.
Upaya untuk memperbaiki pernikahan juga dilakukan oleh Jacob, seorang wartawan dari Sarasota. Setelah delapan belas tahun pernikahan, istri Jacob mengaku bahwa dirinya tengah jatuh cinta pada seorang wanita usia dua puluhan. ”I accepted the betrayal. I accepted that she may have a thing for women. I figured that I would absorb that blow because I adore being married and because I adore my family.” (hal 108). Selama beberapa waktu, Jacob pun mencoba untuk meromantisasi kembali pernikahan mereka. Ia mengirimi istrinya bunga, mengajak candle light dinner dan liburan akhir pekan. Namun sayang, upayanya tak berbuah manis. ”We would go away for a weekend and I’d be thinking we were having a beautiful time and I’d get back and would see in her emails that she was longing for someone else.” (hal 108). Meski demikian, Jacob mengakui bahwa lebih mudah baginya merelakan istrinya pergi untuk seorang wanita, ketimbang pria. ”Why is that? I can’t compete,” ujarnya (hal 109).
***
Pada bagian ketiga dari buku ini, Krasnow mengambil tajuk The Surrendering. Bertutur tentang komitmen untuk mempertahankan pernikahan, Krasnow mengambil sampel wawancara dari para pasangan yang telah melalui pahit asam pernikahan. Ada pasangan elegan Ruby dan Sam dari New York yang menjalani pernikahan dengan penyakit disfungsi seksual yang diderita Sam.
Kemudian ada Dee Frankfurter, wanita usia enam puluhan yang telah melewati empat puluh tahun pernikahan bersama suaminya, Dick. ”Marriage for me was a process of discovering that I was at least as right, if not more right, some of the time,” ujarnya (hal 135). Lebih lanjut Dee menjelaskan ”Our life together wasn’t a competition, but a process of listening carefully and respecting—respect is a very important factor. You need to respect, as well as love each other. Respect to me means having an enormous regard for the integrity of your mate’s opinions and ideas, and absolutely never belittling or shooting the other down.” (hal 135).
Menurut Dee, Dick yang telah meninggal tujuh tahun lalu, adalah sahabat terbaiknya. ”Neither one of us had a lot of time buddying around with others, never. We were each other’s best friends. And yes, there was romance. We told each other we loved each other every day, every single day. When he died, I didn’t have to feel guilty that he didn’t know I loved him..” (hal 136).
Ada pula pasangan Joshua dan Nan dari Washington. Memiliki dua anak yang terlahir dengan cerebral parsy, membuat pernikahan Joshua dan Nan nyata dan tak terpisahkan. “Each day is about surrender, responding to their needs, and yes, giving up a lot of freedom, for both of us. I am tied. This is it,” ujar Joshua (hal 176).
Dengan seorang anak yang berjalan dengan alat bantu dan seorang lagi menggunakan kursi roda, Joshua mengaku harus bangun empat sampai lima kali semalam untuk membantu mengembalikan posisi tidur anaknya. Anak sulungnya yang berusia 17 tahun belum bisa untuk membuka kancing baju atau melepas sabuknya sendiri, sehingga harus dibantu. “We do it, and there’s no one you can get mad at,” ujar Joshua (hal 176). Tidak saling menyalahkan inilah yang juga menjadi prinsip utama pernikahan Joshua dan Nan.
Setelah melewati dua bagian sebelumnya yang banyak berisi kisah muram mengenai pernikahan, membaca bagian ketiga buku ini sungguh sangat meneduhkan.
***
Sebagai dosen jurnalistik di American University yang mengajarkan mata kuliah The Art of Feature and Profile Writing, buku ini sungguh menggambarkan kedalaman riset Krasnow serta kepiawaiannya mewawancarai narasumber dan menggali aspek personal mereka. Kepada Jonathan Burnham, presiden dan pemimpin redaksi Talk Miramax Books, penulis yang dua bukunya telah diterjemahkan ke dalam bahasa Indonesia ini, sempat berseloroh “The only way I can do this books is if I approach it is as if I were a foreign correspondent dispatched to a strange country, like I had just been dropped into Bangladesh.”
Tak hanya mewawancarai sejumlah pasangan—termasuk juga pasangan gay, Krasnow juga mewawancarai sejumlah penulis buku tentang pernikahan, serta pengacara yang menangani perceraian. Bahkan demi mendapatkan narasi orang pertama secara detil, Krasnow meminta asistennya, Betsy Doughty untuk mewawancarai Krasnow. Bersama dengan Doughty, Krasnow juga memilah-milah tumpukan buku dan majalah, untuk menyarikan sejumlah kutipan, yang memperkaya buku ini.
Tanpa sungkan, Krasnow juga menuturkan sebagian kisah dari pernikahannya dengan Chuck Anthony, yang membuahkan tiga orang putra. Tak hanya bagian manis saat ia menyadari Chuck adalah ayah terbaik bagi putra-putranya, Krasnow juga berbagi masa-masa saat mereka bertengkar dan menjalani terapi pernikahan. Diakuinya, selama menyusun buku ini: “We still have an imperfect marriage. But my attitude changed—dramatically. I now accept and expect imperfection. I surrender to this imperfect marriage, because I love it more than I hate it and I committed to this man with a promise that I need to, we all need to, do our best to fulfill.” (hal 2-3).
Kata “surrender” yang sama juga diangkat Chuck dalam Back Page from Chuck dari buku ini. “It’s not surrendered in the past tense, as if something’s already accomplished; it’s not surrender, as in a command that you must do such-and-such. It’s surrendering—an unfolding process in the present and into the future. Our marriage is certainly a work-in-progress, as it should be. The sharpness of Iris’s profound insights can’t always be in focus for either of us—we’ve got jobs to do, kids to raise, and dozens other distractions. But those fleeting glimpses of why we’re together sustain us, even when we can’t stand to be in the same room. I got you, babe.” (hal 236).
August 20, 2011
Brutal honesty. Cold hard reality. I suppose this is what an idealist like myself needs to hear. Krasnow relates some of her own experience in marriage, and also includes letters and interviews with people in all stages of married, separated, and divorced, and people who have been in affairs. While the first half of the book is definitely a downer, what I appreciated was how Krasnow very clearly shows that the grass is never greener on the other side. I wasn't sure where this book was heading, but in the end it affirms marriage, and it affirms the value of sticking it out and making it work. The tone of the book warms up towards the end, which I liked. I enjoyed the parts in which individuals who had stayed married for a long time shared their words of wisdom. Maybe all the depressing stuff that came before it, made it feel more valid? There was no sugar coating in this baby, that's for sure. So the good things that I'm taking away from it are like little tiny diamonds in the rough.
Quotes that stuck out to me:
p. 12 "Surrendering means submitting to your own integrity, to your wedding promise, for the duration."
p. 13 " In marriage, no matter how deep the love and devotion, our partner is still The Other, someone we may think we know very, very well, but who is always somewhat of a stranger."
"Surrendering to marriage means realizing that to succeed in this most mysterious and difficult, yet essential, of partnerships we must push through waves of sadness and rage, and accept them as part of the whole marriage organism that also includes the profound joy of being in a committed union, and of giving your kids a rock to hold onto.
Surrendering to marriage means we must be forgiving and flexible when what we really feel like doing is spewing venomous remarks. We must give back rubs or our bodies when we feel like reading or sleeping. We must keep our marriages alive, and revive them when they are dying.
We must surrender to reality and let go of fantasy.
Ultimately, surrendering to marriage...means coming to know there is nothing better out there because wherever we go we still have ourselves to lug along."
p. 14 "When we expect perfection out of marriage, we are setting ourselves up for disaster. Marriage means tortuous work and a predictable routine; that's what you should expect. Indeed, a successful marriage has little to do with sustained bliss, and everything to do with surrendering to the grind."
p. 33 "...we always fix it, not with permanent cement, but with an uncanny will to put the pieces back together. And each time our relationship severs and we succeed at repairing it, the marriage emerges in a form that is a little more unbreakable."
p. 35 "The only permanent quality you can expect in marriage is that your response to the partnership will always be changing."
p. 40 "It's what I call totalistic thinking, that you are somehow entitled to have it all...This comes out of a powerful social expectancy today that you can have it all--as in being socially secure, sexually secure, financially secure, and having high-achieving children. Disappointment is inevitable, because nobody can have it all, as an individual or as a couple."
p. 107 "Happy marriages happen with people who are content within themselves and not searching for something in somebody else."
p. 110 "In my gut, I knew I was home, that I could be myself, that I didn't have to impress him, that he didn't make me nervous."
p. 131 "When we are surprised by our partners, positive surprises, that translates into awe and respect. And that turns into a marriage that can remain interesting for decades beyond the fluttery newlywed phase."
p. 132 "You should work on being as demonstrative in your love toward your spouse as you are toward your children...And you should recognize early on that your marriage is the most important relationship in the family."
p. 142 "We should expect, instead, periods of happiness broken up by loneliness, crying jags that come on for no apparent reason, even intolerable pain, and yes, bursts of sweet, sexy love. Knowing the dark side will make the good times all the more appreciated. Knowing the dark side has made me aspire not toward perpetual happiness but to being grounded, feeling safe, feeling sane, feeling like I am home. I am going not for high-pitched ecstasy, but for a steady hum."
p. 160 "I know that loneliness will most likely be replaced with a whole new set of feelings the following day, that the trick in marriage is to 'swing with it,' something my father used to tell me to do when obstacles came my way."
p. 174 "If we love our spouses with the same tenderness as we love our children, we could really go places in our marriages."
"One sure trick for keeping a marriage on track is to let the bitterness pass and not fester, to squash your ego. Push yourself to behave nicely when you feel like throwing things against the wall. Remind yourself how blessed you really are. You're not dying, you're angry. Use the pain."
p. 198 "The research also shows that it isn't the people who start out more in love, more committed, more passionate, who have a better shot at a long-term marriage. It's people who have developed the ability to negotiate all of the disagreements that come up every single day.
...And as it turns out, you don't need to resolve them. You need to manage them. You need, most of all to understand each other's positions. To really understand in a way that you could explain every nuance of your partners stance."
p. 203 "Deciding you are never really going to leave, but that you are going to agree to disagree...makes the bad times far easier to endure. We know if we swing with it, we're in a movement that is going to take us somewhere else, and it's somewhere better."
Quotes that stuck out to me:
p. 12 "Surrendering means submitting to your own integrity, to your wedding promise, for the duration."
p. 13 " In marriage, no matter how deep the love and devotion, our partner is still The Other, someone we may think we know very, very well, but who is always somewhat of a stranger."
"Surrendering to marriage means realizing that to succeed in this most mysterious and difficult, yet essential, of partnerships we must push through waves of sadness and rage, and accept them as part of the whole marriage organism that also includes the profound joy of being in a committed union, and of giving your kids a rock to hold onto.
Surrendering to marriage means we must be forgiving and flexible when what we really feel like doing is spewing venomous remarks. We must give back rubs or our bodies when we feel like reading or sleeping. We must keep our marriages alive, and revive them when they are dying.
We must surrender to reality and let go of fantasy.
Ultimately, surrendering to marriage...means coming to know there is nothing better out there because wherever we go we still have ourselves to lug along."
p. 14 "When we expect perfection out of marriage, we are setting ourselves up for disaster. Marriage means tortuous work and a predictable routine; that's what you should expect. Indeed, a successful marriage has little to do with sustained bliss, and everything to do with surrendering to the grind."
p. 33 "...we always fix it, not with permanent cement, but with an uncanny will to put the pieces back together. And each time our relationship severs and we succeed at repairing it, the marriage emerges in a form that is a little more unbreakable."
p. 35 "The only permanent quality you can expect in marriage is that your response to the partnership will always be changing."
p. 40 "It's what I call totalistic thinking, that you are somehow entitled to have it all...This comes out of a powerful social expectancy today that you can have it all--as in being socially secure, sexually secure, financially secure, and having high-achieving children. Disappointment is inevitable, because nobody can have it all, as an individual or as a couple."
p. 107 "Happy marriages happen with people who are content within themselves and not searching for something in somebody else."
p. 110 "In my gut, I knew I was home, that I could be myself, that I didn't have to impress him, that he didn't make me nervous."
p. 131 "When we are surprised by our partners, positive surprises, that translates into awe and respect. And that turns into a marriage that can remain interesting for decades beyond the fluttery newlywed phase."
p. 132 "You should work on being as demonstrative in your love toward your spouse as you are toward your children...And you should recognize early on that your marriage is the most important relationship in the family."
p. 142 "We should expect, instead, periods of happiness broken up by loneliness, crying jags that come on for no apparent reason, even intolerable pain, and yes, bursts of sweet, sexy love. Knowing the dark side will make the good times all the more appreciated. Knowing the dark side has made me aspire not toward perpetual happiness but to being grounded, feeling safe, feeling sane, feeling like I am home. I am going not for high-pitched ecstasy, but for a steady hum."
p. 160 "I know that loneliness will most likely be replaced with a whole new set of feelings the following day, that the trick in marriage is to 'swing with it,' something my father used to tell me to do when obstacles came my way."
p. 174 "If we love our spouses with the same tenderness as we love our children, we could really go places in our marriages."
"One sure trick for keeping a marriage on track is to let the bitterness pass and not fester, to squash your ego. Push yourself to behave nicely when you feel like throwing things against the wall. Remind yourself how blessed you really are. You're not dying, you're angry. Use the pain."
p. 198 "The research also shows that it isn't the people who start out more in love, more committed, more passionate, who have a better shot at a long-term marriage. It's people who have developed the ability to negotiate all of the disagreements that come up every single day.
...And as it turns out, you don't need to resolve them. You need to manage them. You need, most of all to understand each other's positions. To really understand in a way that you could explain every nuance of your partners stance."
p. 203 "Deciding you are never really going to leave, but that you are going to agree to disagree...makes the bad times far easier to endure. We know if we swing with it, we're in a movement that is going to take us somewhere else, and it's somewhere better."
January 4, 2023
Profound.
August 28, 2014
Great reminder that marriage is a lifelong commitment. The amount of work involved and the level of difficulty should have no bearing on the length of the commitment. My two favorite quotes from the book:
1. "Going through hell is the reality of long-term relationships. To expect sustained happiness in marriage is a naive dream. We should expect, instead, periods of happiness broken up by loneliness, crying jags that come on for no apparent reason, even intolerable pain, and yes, bursts of sweet, sexy love. Knowing the dark side will make the good times all the more appreciated. Knowing the dark side has made me aspire not toward perpetual happiness but to being grounded, feeling safe, feeling sane, feeling like I am home. I am going not for high-pitched ecstasy, but for a steady hum.
2. "And, you know, not having the option of leaving is almost better than having an option. When you don't perceive ending your marriage as an option, things in your marriage that may appear too difficult become something you can deal with. People who are very religious take on hardship in their lives by saying, "It's God's will." They don't think about it. They don't go through this big "Why did this happen to me? And that's how I am about out family. I don't worry about it, I don't regret anything. I know I can never leave, so it's actually easier for me to be married than most people.
1. "Going through hell is the reality of long-term relationships. To expect sustained happiness in marriage is a naive dream. We should expect, instead, periods of happiness broken up by loneliness, crying jags that come on for no apparent reason, even intolerable pain, and yes, bursts of sweet, sexy love. Knowing the dark side will make the good times all the more appreciated. Knowing the dark side has made me aspire not toward perpetual happiness but to being grounded, feeling safe, feeling sane, feeling like I am home. I am going not for high-pitched ecstasy, but for a steady hum.
2. "And, you know, not having the option of leaving is almost better than having an option. When you don't perceive ending your marriage as an option, things in your marriage that may appear too difficult become something you can deal with. People who are very religious take on hardship in their lives by saying, "It's God's will." They don't think about it. They don't go through this big "Why did this happen to me? And that's how I am about out family. I don't worry about it, I don't regret anything. I know I can never leave, so it's actually easier for me to be married than most people.
March 27, 2012
So, this was a weird book. Her basic premise is that marriage is terrible, but that it is better than lots of alternatives, so we should just suck it up and deal. And besides, sometimes there are fabulous moments in most marriages. She seems to know an enormous number of people who have cheated or are cheating. It was really astounding. It is kinda nice to have someone who admits (in writing) that their marriage isn't all rainbows and unicorns, but, on the other hand, her version focuses in on the negative aspects of marriage rather strongly. I also think her primary argument for not getting divorces is that it screws with the kids, and that isn't a really great argument for people who don't have kids. She seems a bit extremist in general. For instance, I have never been inspired to throw a mug of hot coffee at anybody, or broken a gift for someone else because I was mad at a partner, etc. Another interesting tidbit is that apparently she wrote a book about surrendering to motherhood, most of which isn't applicable now that her children can walk and talk and feed themselves. Really makes me wonder how much of her perspective is because she is the married mother of youngish children.
May 11, 2012
thoughts after page 164: after reading "the secret lives of wives" i felt a special connection to iris krasnow because we are both married to hockey-loving architects. however, in "surrendering to marriage" krasnow mentions that her husband often wears bolo ties. what self-respecting architect wears a bolo tie?! now i just don't know what to think.
thoughts after finishing: kind of a mixed bag. relative to krasnow, i've been married a short amount of time. so when she says things like "marriage is sometimes horrible and anyone who says it isn't is lying" i figure i better buckle down and prepare for the inevitable fan-hitting shit coming my way. and krasnow has some really good stuff to say about this- the grass is never greener because you're always stuck with yourself, there is value in the comfortable, etc, etc.
like her last book, however, the author is coming from a place where marriage means children, so a huge part of her argument against divorce is staying together for the kids. she only describes one childfree couple in the book, and they're restless and unhappy, with nothing really holding them together. huh.
an interesting pick for anyone who's pretty new to matrimony, probably not as helpful for a marriage in crisis.
thoughts after finishing: kind of a mixed bag. relative to krasnow, i've been married a short amount of time. so when she says things like "marriage is sometimes horrible and anyone who says it isn't is lying" i figure i better buckle down and prepare for the inevitable fan-hitting shit coming my way. and krasnow has some really good stuff to say about this- the grass is never greener because you're always stuck with yourself, there is value in the comfortable, etc, etc.
like her last book, however, the author is coming from a place where marriage means children, so a huge part of her argument against divorce is staying together for the kids. she only describes one childfree couple in the book, and they're restless and unhappy, with nothing really holding them together. huh.
an interesting pick for anyone who's pretty new to matrimony, probably not as helpful for a marriage in crisis.
December 24, 2011
i liked it. enough. it made some valid points about why staying in a marriage is good and that the grass is not always greener, if ever, on the other side. but i was a little disturbed by some of the stories and a little reminded by the greatness of love in others. it is an interesting read, especially if you are married, hoping it is for the long haul, and remembering the value in making it there. the authors shares some of her marriage, but nothing SO deep that i was compelled to believe her marriage had ever really been challenged by more than the irritations of the other like we all have. although, i guess that is the point. lol many people leave based on the minor irritations that they make into big irritations.
August 14, 2011
Interesting book. Author interviews tons of people about marriages, divorces, affairs, etc. I was struck by how much she and her friends discuss the nitty gritty of their relationships, including details about affairs, dissatisfactions, etc. She concludes that marriages are worth working on, even when they aren't perfectly blissful; that the grass really isn't greener anywhere else.
February 9, 2010
Although I think this book may benefit folks who have been married longer more, (at this point I am married less than a year) I thought it was an excellent read. It captured me and I got through it very quickly. Very thought-provoking.
February 27, 2010
I had just had my second baby and was VERY into self-help books at that time in my life. I was very focused on family and marriage and reading anything I could get my hands on to help me figure it all out and be the best wife and mother I could.
August 8, 2007
Great book Great philosophy on marriage
February 6, 2012
This was an easy read. Not as expected, but it was interesting reading about the couples and their experiences in marriage and their learning experiences.
Read
November 22, 2011This book was good but I just could't do another self help, so I didn't finish it. This may be one that I go back and read later though.
March 2, 2012
Very interesting book. Helps reader to understand and appreciate the work it takes to have a balanced relationship. Helpful stories about sharing responsibilites. Very enjoyable reading.
September 11, 2015
Delightfully true.
February 3, 2016
Marriage cannot be one long ecstacy. Iris Krasnow discusses her findings after interviewing numerous women about marriage, divorce, and finding a soul mate. I enjoyed this immensely!
March 13, 2009
Great book to help you understand some of what marriage is about in a real world.
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