Renegade Grief: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life after Loss

by Carla Fernandez

From grief quests to Dungeons & Dragons to altar making and dinner parties, Renegade Grief is a profound and vulnerable exploration of care practices and rituals that empower grievers in a culture that expects us to simply “give it time.”

So, you’ve lost someone. At first, there is an outpour of support and phone calls and care packages. But after the services are done and the phone stops ringing, there is a quiet in the air and an expectation to get on with your life as previously planned. The problem is that death has a way of making all plans go out the window. Renegade Grief offers the support in this next stage of grieving—when you feel isolated in your loss and are figuring out how to navigate it.

Shaped by her own experience with the death of her father and her time cofounding The Dinner Party, a leading grief support organization for young people, Carla Fernandez pushes back on the death-denying culture we live in and encourages you to explore how the intensity (or shittiness) of a loss experience can transform into a source of deep connection, personal purpose, and creative expression. Through inspiring stories of real grievers, patterns from across history, and fresh science, Renegade Grief enlivens you with the permission and possibility to explore your grief in your own unique way and reminds you that you’re not alone in doing it.

Renegade Grief is an indispensable resource for people at any stage of the grieving process and with Carla’s candid and compassionate guidance, you learn that life after loss isn’t about the futile attempt of arriving at some other side. Rather, it’s about building your community, adjusting to change, and finding the way for your grief to become a pathway into your own version of a soulful life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Grief, Self Help, Mental Health, Audiobook, Psychology, Memoir

288 pages, Hardcover

Published March 11, 2025

Reviews

[Mardi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book found me a week before my mom passed away and has been my greatest companion. Carla's words have been a close friend in my ear as I listened to the audiobook (twice) in the days leading up to and following my mom's passing. This is a book that should be required reading for every human. It's not only for those who are grieving—it contains so much wisdom for those who feel uncomfortable around others who are moving through grief. It urges all of us to pull up a chair and get close to grief, in all of its complexity. To embrace it, instead of run away from it. To recognize how it transforms you and to find a beauty in that transformation.

[Nikki D'Ambrosio · Rating 5 out of 5]

Renegade Grief is a book that I am grateful to have as a companion to my grief, both present and yet to have experienced, throughout the rest of my life. This book invites you to welcome in your grief, give it a seat at a table, and allow yourself to be present and listen to whatever it needs. Carla provides countless tools, practices, and strategies to move through grief and stories of what has worked for others to inspire you to tend to your own relationship with your grief as well as show up as an ally for grievers in your life. A book I will continue to return to for years to come. Thank you, Carla for sharing your story and for writing such an important guide to help others move through one of the most human experiences of loss and grief.

[Kate Sly · Rating 2 out of 5]

This books author has done a noble thing by creating a dinner party platform for grieving people, creating a movement to help normalize and provide community for those in deep grief. This seems especially helpful for young people managing grief. In fact, I want to see if there are perhaps groups in Denver for the friends of my son. It resonates in a kind way, but perhaps doesn’t totally connect with the grief of losing a young adult child. Most grief books don’t seem to quite fit this particular terrible heartbreak. But I see this book resonating with younger readers tremendously.

[Kyle Napolitan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanna share how the book found me. This has been rough time after Christmas my aunt passed and shortly after my Dad passed after a long 7 year battle of declining health. Experience with loss has been a quick grieve for maybe a few days then back to the grind of life. Don’t give it a 2nd thought you maybe feel stuck in place but it doesn’t mean the world doesn’t keep turning without you.

And before I could blink I got hurt at work and was left with a lot of time alone to think. Filling my days with cruddy weather and tons of work injury paperwork to jump through. I was beginning to loose it and needed a break to reset.

Sure of only one thing I wanted Sunshine. Destination, Joshua Tree and 29 Palms. I picked this restaurant by chance “Kitchen in the Desert” that appealed to me because of something a little extra “Tin Town” a couple of small shops with the restaurants property. Order your food and instead of waiting at the table, get up and check out the shops. “Desert General” an independent bookstore was my destination, it also serves as the Twentynine Palm Book festival.

While checking the shelves I found Renegade Grief with a beautiful book cover of the cosmos’s. The author, co founder of The Dinner Party. After reading the sleeve and listening to my gut I purchased it.

The Author Carla takes you on journey of her own personal grief after loosing her father. And how American society just steam rolls over the concept of death, grief, and healing. Based more on the idea of you get a few days and move on.

In a country where 65% of bankruptcy is filed are due to medical expenses, it’s not surprising that after someone dies, people feel pressured to keep up the hustle and stuff down the complex dynamics related to their grief.


While reading, I began to wonder why western cultures societal vibe around grief is off, while the rest of the world carries strong roots in traditions, ceremonies and a sense of community during times of someone’s loss. The change in the western world started around World War 1 and continued on from there. After such a long chain of historical tragedies our masters began shaping our reality around grief and how we’re suppose to feel about it. With too much productivity being loss due to normal grieving traditions our society has slowly over the decades chipped away at our pillars of support. Church/Religion, Community, and gave us vises to isolate ourselves from any real connections.

In the book Carla interviews a variety of individuals and how they processed their grief in very different ways to come to a point of not what I would call acceptance but understanding and comfort knowing there were others on the same journey.


About Carla’s own experience with loss of her father two very distinctive things hit me hard.

1st while she was the caregiver for her father she needed times to decompress and how she did that traveling up to her father’s rooftop apartment and would draw the Coit Tower. The Coit Tower became her safe haven she could always come to the rooftop see it and feel something other than sadness. I love the Coit Tower it has always been a dream of mine to get to the top. One day in 2018 I made that happen. Myself, my niece and my brother in-law raced up the Telegraph Hill. But unfortunately we were 5 minutes too late to get into the tower. But made the most out of enjoying the top of the hill. One day I hope to go back and get to the top of that tower.

2nd Carla’s Dad Jose’ Fernandez III one of his favorite things to eat as a foodie was a French Dip Sandwich. Flabbergasted because that was my go to order for every establishment I ate at that had it on the menu as young boy and small adult. Feeling some kindred spirit with Carla’s Dad it made think of my French Dips I’ve eaten over my lifetime. The Good and the Bad. The worst will always be cuts of beef with tons of fat and gristle, and cheap deli style processed beef slices, YUCK. My favorites tied in with memories of eating French Dip Sandwiches with my dad included a year family beach trip stopping at Duffy’s Restaurant 1605 Simpson Ave, Aberdeen, WA 98520. And the Marketplace Cafe at Nordstrom 500 Pine St, Seattle, WA 98101. Their French Dip always came with cheese that I always needed to make sure I asked for without because my dad was allergic and I felt like the taste of the cheese was too strong and I wanted to taste nothing but meat, bread, and Au Jus.


Finally after finishing the book I was left with the question do I learn more about The Dinner Party? It started with a web search, then a pause and return. As I forced myself to read through the website I was saddened to learn it was coming to an end. I thought that figures with my luck but instead of staying stagnant I encouraged myself to take advantage of what short time was left for the website till the end of May. I paid the two months remaining deposits and searched out a table. None were available in the Seattle, WA area. But I was encouraged to join a virtual one. I don’t do well with strangers or people in general so my anxiety was high and my stomach in knots. I could hear that little voice telling me I’d done enough I don’t need to participate. I’m kept pushing because I’ve done the same thing my whole life and it hasn’t worked. So I attended the Virtual call, met some people, shared at least 2 to do 3 things before wanting to clam completely up. Finished the Virtual meeting completely emotionally drained and undecided about what would be next. I was given an opportunity to join a WhatsApp group the Host was putting together. I started with small steps, downloading the app, making a profile, reaching out to my host through email and writing, I’m still interested in participating. So here we are currently what will the future hold moving forward I’m not sure but this book gave me so many things I appreciate and I’m thankful for the journey it took me on.

[Jackie Sunday · Rating 5 out of 5]

Grieving can be heartbreaking. This book is a wealth of information for those that need it.

Carla Fernandez lost her beloved father. He had brain cancer and died when she was 21 years old. While she was grieving, she started a gathering of breaking bread together for those that wanted to share their thoughts of sadness. She said sometimes a feast invites people to talk. Proudly, this group expanded and now is known as “The Dinner Party.”

The book is set up with three acts. The first act helps a person sort out ways to navigate the grieving process with an altar, garden, and keeping special objects close by. Sometimes it’s helpful to go to a place known as a rage room. The second act is dedicated to the present with expressing emotions. And, the last part is about how to move forward which could include having a fury animal close by.

It’s not easy to navigate feelings of sorrow. There are several good books on the market with personal stories. Yet, this is well organized and provides readers with various options that could make all the difference processing grief. It could also make a great gift. The end has pages of notes from years of research.

My thanks to Simon & Schuster and LibraryThing for providing me with a copy of this advanced book with a release date of March 11, 2025.

[Rachelle LeBlanc · Rating 4 out of 5]

Renegade Grief wasn't exactly what I was expecting. I thought it would be more of a guide on different ways to handle grief like a step by step guide. This was more done as a story telling of examples of grief responses. It was still a good book and I think anyone dealing with grief could benefit from reading it. Just go into knowing it is not a step by step guide.

[MKF]

It seems like most death books these are written as if that author is their book is breaking the taboo of grief and death. Each one constantly repeats that we hide death and even with a slow change in the last decade keeps rehashing it. Because of this Renegade Grief doesn't have a lot of new information and even some ideas aren't that new though still helpful.
The ideas and rituals will work for all ages but I think this book would work better for younger adults. They would be better connect better with many of these like the ideas involving role playing games. They will find many of this information new and helpful and will probably better connect to the author. The feeling of not being the right audience is the only reason I didn't finish though I do enjoy many of these ideas.

[Pamela Barrett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes you get a book at the perfect time, for me this one on grief came a few weeks before the anniversary of my husband’s death. There is a lot of good information in here for wherever you are on the journey after the loss of your loved one. It’s not a “how to” manual for navigating grief it’s an open-ended discussion with different peoples' stories about where they have found themselves at different times after their loss. The first thing I noticed was that the author had started a impromptu group of fellow grievers around a meal and called it The Dinner Party where they got together with no pressure to share whatever they wanted about their departed person in a safe place. The Dinner Party became a national network of support for grievers. I didn’t know that this was a thing. I immediately called my neighbor and told her that we did this and didn’t know we had. In our town during covid lock down she had lost her dad, then I lost my husband, then another neighbor lost his wife, and another couple lost their grandparents, and a few others joined who had also experiencing losses. My one neighbor liked to cook, so she had invited us over, the only criteria was we had one vaccine, and we sat outside. We met every other month for over a year. Then slowly tapered off. In this book you’ll find some things that will put you in touch with how you are feeling and give insight on how other people process grief without the time limit of “you should be moving on.” You might not agree with everything, I didn’t with the part about using drugs, because of my own background. After reading a lot of books on grief this is one of my favorites to suggest to others. It has just been released so check it out.

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely necessary reading for any young-ish grievers. The book provides historical context and practices around grieving and how we in the US have become so disconnected from it. The author suggests renegade grieving - connecting with what humans did throughout history - in order to process and sit with grief. The book is organized into three sections: honoring your past, being with your present, and creating your future. All filled with research, stories, and ways to engage in renegade grief practices. I learned so much about history, culture, and grief itself.

"For me, becoming a griever looks like instant membership in some kind of cosmic motorcycle club, a crew learning how to live with the kind of mind-bending reality that the horizon line is ever expanding; that, despite the heartbreak of certain circumstances and the overwhelmingness of life's hardest chapters, you can find the appreciation, the focus, the curiosity, and the friendship to keep riding the road ahead. This cosmic motorcycle club you're now in is a group of people with a knowing gaze; think less pilly sweater and more weathered leather, less curling up for tea for a good cry and more clinking glasses with people who get it, in the round."

[Sandy · Rating 3 out of 5]

In working through the loss of my sisters, six months later, I’m still searching for a way to progress or begin to feel the start of some closure. Seeing Renegade Grief by Carla Fernandez in one of the Simon and Schuster promotional emails, I thought this might be a resource to help me get there.

While the author offers up a smorgasbord of options for approaching one’s grief, I found that none of them were what I was in need of. Some of them I was surprised she would even suggest in print. While I know the local grief support group that meets in my town is not for me, it seems this author targets what she believes a younger audience could relate too. More specifically those 45 or younger.

Perhaps there is someone else out there that addresses those of us over 45, but not yet 75. My age group struggles with the realization that the older we get the more friends and family we lose. With each loss experience being different from the other. I do not recommend this book for this age group as I believe we seek something between the traditional support group and the suggestions offered in this book.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

After losing my husband and the father of my young children a few years ago, I wished Renegade Grief: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life after Loss by Carla Fernandez had already been released. Even though I am in a different place of my grief than I was in the beginning, I still found the book helpful. It really spoke to me and the author does a great job showing her understanding of the realness of losing someone special.

Renegade Grief: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life after Loss gets five stars from me. I highly recommend it for readers who are grieving the loss of a loved one and trying to navigate through their new reality and life.

I received an advanced reader copy of Carla Fernandez's Renegade Grief: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life after Loss from the publisher, but was not required to write a review, nor a positive one. This review is one hundred percent my own honest opinion.

[Jeanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Renegade Grief: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life after Loss by Carla Fernandez isn’t just a theoretical case of the author walking people through grief, she lost her father. There isn’t a one size fits all method for dealing with grief but it was interesting to read about the different ways there are to talk about grief whether as a Dinner Party, one on one, or via social media. What we don’t want to do is deny what happened and keep it in and wait for it to go away. We just have to figure out what works for us. There were many suggestions to help you find your way on this journey.

Thank you to the author, Simon & Schuster, and NetGalley for the Advanced Reader Copy (ARC) copy of this book and I am voluntarily leaving an honest review.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carla Fernandez’s approach to grieving is truly renegade. In this moving and insightful book, she frames grief not as something to dread or ignore, but as a fundamental part of being human, and the worthy price of loving anything when everything is transient. This book shows us that we are in charge of our own grief journeys and empowers the reader break our society’s “rules” on grieving to find a way that works for us. It’s about integrating and metabolizing grief, not getting “over it”. Though Carla’s expertise is proudly on display, reading her words feels less like talking to an academic, but like talking to a good friend who’s been where you are, who’s still on the journey, and who’s welcoming you along for the ride.

[TarHeelReader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Renegade Grief is a resource I can imagine gifting to a close friend. It would help them at any stage to feel seen and heard and to know they are not alone. It’s set up in three acts. The first is about setting things up and keeping special objects near.

Moving into the second act is about processing all the mix of emotions. The third part is about walking forward through grief. It’s organized well and versatile. The author clearly researched well and included that information at the end. I really loved this and am so grateful to have it on my forever shelf.

I received a gifted copy.

Many of my reviews can also be found on my blog: www.jennifertarheelreader.com and instagram: www.instagram.com/tarheelreader

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me a long time to get through this book as I read it in small sections, finding comfort in the words and stories, as well as the suggestions and grief practices that are presented. Carla Fernandez has compiled a book full of ways for you to work through your grief. Some of Carla's suggestions can be found in other books on the subject, but there were quite a few that were very unique! My biggest takeaway from this book is that our grief is our own, and therefore the way we work through it over time is also our own. There is absolutely no wrong or right way to grieve and we should be open to seeking comfort and understanding wherever we find it. I'm thankful to have found this book and the insight I learned as it is a wonderful thing to feel seen and heard.

Thank you NetGalley and Simon & Schuster for the DRC in exchange for my honest review.

[Ivan Cash · Rating 5 out of 5]

Renegade Grief is a refreshing and deeply personal exploration of grief that challenges traditional notions of loss. Fernandez introduces unique, creative rituals that help individuals process grief in ways that feel personal and meaningful—whether through movement, storytelling, or communal acts of remembrance. Her emphasis on embracing nontraditional ceremonies, such as writing letters to the departed or creating "grief altars" filled with personal artifacts, makes this book a standout resource for those looking to navigate loss on their own terms. IMO this is a must-read for anyone who has experienced a significant loss.

[Kirsten · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've always avoided books on grief because I always assumed they would be too depressing, too spiritual, too preachy, too self-help. I wouldn't have read this, but it was recommended by a member of my Dinner Party group. I wish I had read it when I was fresher with my grief, but was still an interesting read now. I would recommend to try it to anyone else experiencing grief in any capacity.

This book normalizes different grief practices and grief experiences. There were times I would find myself nodding along about an experience that I had also had, not realizing at the time it was a more common thing that many people experience.

I think I want to build a shrine now.

[Liz Tran · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a grief book I never thought I'd find. After a devastating pregnancy loss this year, I turned to Renegade Grief, and it gave me a deep sense of comfort that I was not alone. I've had difficulty acknowledging grief as an emotion I experience, or a situation I find myself in, and this book changed my mindset, plus gave me some powerful, creative, and empowering ways to work through my feelings of loss. I bought it for two of my best friends and will be turning to this again and again, I know.

[Brady Hiatt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carla Fernandez is the rare thinker whose gaze is at once arresting and humane. She addresses the world with careful consideration, offering a comforting hand while inserting a needle into the most sensitive parts of our calloused tissue.

For those who have experienced grief, or those who wish to better understand and help those in their life who have, I cannot imagine a better guide. Her voice and spirit are a reminder that life's greatest gifts are bestowed to those who have the courage to overturn stones at the bottom of the creekbed.

[Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a person who recently suffered an unimaginable loss, I found this book to be excellent. The author provided many avenues to pursue while dealing with grief. Unlike some other writers, she dealt with everything head on and did not sugarcoat anything. The stories she offered about others dealing with loss were inspiring. Although the book was geared to younger readers, I found the book to be helpful in helping me dealing with the loss of my wife who unexpectedly died at age 53. My wife was cheated of many more years but this book has provided some solace.

[jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carla Fernandez has put pen, heart, and spirit to paper in ways our culture and society have long avoided, vastly ignored, and absolutely missed out on experiencing with humanity, moxie, and grace. Renegade Grief is a masterclass into one of the most precious and prescient portals for presence and truth—offering gifts in service of survival, memory, healing, and truest transcendence. Fernandez is a scholar's teacher, a guide's witnesser, and found-family matriarch of the highest order.

[Chellise Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Damn. I wish I had this book when I was aged 16, 19, 27, and 36 to guide me through all my past losses when they were fresh - back then - I only had Captain Morgan. Reading this book now in reflection has dramatically shifted my awareness in a way of how to honor those Ive lost - not only in death but also lost in touch - which is just as painful. I'll be keeping this book for myself and gifting it to many.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carla Fernandez is a beautiful writer, and does a phenomenal job of laying out a more supported, honest and integrated way to move through grief. Using her own experiences as well as others, and lots of research, she encourages us to throw away the “shoulds” of grieving to embrace our needs and get the support we deserve.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recently lost my cousin unexpectedly, and I needed a book like this. I needed a book that was raw, messy, and authentic.

Thanks to this book, I found ways to honor my cousin and to be gentle with myself as I grieve this loss. I recommend this to anyone who's grief experience is complicated, messy, confusing, and more.

Thank you Edelweiss and the publisher for an ARC of this book!

[Karina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came across this book at my local library, the cover and title caught my attention instantly. It will be ten years since my dad passed this year. This is the first book that expanded on the topic of grief in such a real way. I am definitely going to buy this for myself to pick up again in the future when I need it.

[Ronee G · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think it’s good for this book to be out there but it almost felt too broad for me. A few chapters struck a chord but otherwise I felt like a lot of this I had figured out on my own grief journey. I wish there was more on how society deals with grief and how we really get into the nitty gritty of broaching those convos and changing the tide!

[Rita · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book contains a wealth of information for anyone. It can not be read in more than one chapter at a time. It tears at the heart. It is best to savor one chapter at a time. Tremendous research went into the subject. The part I found most interesting was about the Irish wakes and keening.

[Lucy Adams · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a beautiful reflection on life and loss, blending personal experience with psychology and scientific research, told with loving humor and upbeat energy. It is a fresh and nuanced perspective. Will be rereading and revisiting for thoughtful insights like an old friend.

[Flannery · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very useful for people experiencing the loss of a loved one (or for people who want to support someone who is grieving). Not particularly well structured; I think the information would have been better suited to a podcast, video essay, or other form of media.

[Sadie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a great read for anyone who’s dealing with grief. Highly recommend