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Who I Always Was
For fans of Aftershocks and How to Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America, a
gripping and deeply honest memoir in essays, this debut collection sets out to answer the universal question Why am I like this?
When Theresa Okokon was nine, her father traveled to his hometown in Nigeria to attend his mother’s funeral…and never returned. His mysterious death shattered Theresa as her family’s world unraveled. Now a storyteller and television cohost, Okokon sets out to explore the ripple effects of that profound loss and the way heartache shapes our sense of self and of the world—for the rest of our lives.
Using her grief and her father’s death as a backdrop, Okokon delves deeply into intrinsic themes of Blackness, African spirituality, family, abandonment, belonging, and the seemingly endless, unrequited romantic pursuits of a Black woman who came of age as a Black girl in Wisconsin suburbs where she was—in many ways—always an anomaly.
When Theresa Okokon was nine, her father traveled to his hometown in Nigeria to attend his mother’s funeral…and never returned. His mysterious death shattered Theresa as her family’s world unraveled. Now a storyteller and television cohost, Okokon sets out to explore the ripple effects of that profound loss and the way heartache shapes our sense of self and of the world—for the rest of our lives.
Using her grief and her father’s death as a backdrop, Okokon delves deeply into intrinsic themes of Blackness, African spirituality, family, abandonment, belonging, and the seemingly endless, unrequited romantic pursuits of a Black woman who came of age as a Black girl in Wisconsin suburbs where she was—in many ways—always an anomaly.
288 pages, Hardcover
Published February 4, 2025
18 people are currently reading
4993 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews
May 16, 2025
i always was a memoir girl.
this memoir was very funny, and very readable, and the inarguable record-holder for most mentions of facebook i have ever encountered on-page.
i liked this a lot, and will be on the lookout for any other books from this author. i think its strongest and weakest point were how debut-y it was: it was a treat to read this author navigate the new identity of Being A Writer, but there were aspects of this that felt very done before as well.
but rarely as humorously!
bottom line: we'll take it.
(thanks to the publisher for the arc)
this memoir was very funny, and very readable, and the inarguable record-holder for most mentions of facebook i have ever encountered on-page.
i liked this a lot, and will be on the lookout for any other books from this author. i think its strongest and weakest point were how debut-y it was: it was a treat to read this author navigate the new identity of Being A Writer, but there were aspects of this that felt very done before as well.
but rarely as humorously!
bottom line: we'll take it.
(thanks to the publisher for the arc)
February 1, 2025
This is a wonderful memoir written in short stories that gives a look into the life of a first generation American Gahanian and Nigerian. Early in the book Okokon acknowledges that most of her readers will be white women. While I do fall into that category, I immediately related to the author and her voice. The stories of seeking a place to fit in and losing a loved one are near universal. By the end of the book I felt like I was sitting down and having a heart to heart with a new friend over tea. Okokon speaks on heavy topics but her writing makes it feel familiar and allows you to sit with her words.
December 19, 2024
so grateful for atria books for sending me this ARC! this book comes out on feb 4th and make sure you pre-order or ask your library
a wonderful collection of essays, as if being told to you by an old childhood friend. so good. i saw theresa likes roxane gay, but i think i enjoyed this book of essays more!
a new favorite contemporary writer
a wonderful collection of essays, as if being told to you by an old childhood friend. so good. i saw theresa likes roxane gay, but i think i enjoyed this book of essays more!
a new favorite contemporary writer
September 30, 2025
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Disclosure: I know her!” Or, more accurately, I knew Theresa Okokon. In middle and high school. But this review isn’t about me (that much.) I love memoirs and didn’t know what to expect when I discovered a former classmate had authored a debut with themes such as loss, identity, family, and love, all with raw honesty and a sense of humor along the way.
(One of my) favorite paragraphs: “If I’m honest, though, sitting in that nail salon at the age of thirst-three, I was quietly beginning to lose hope that love would ever actually happen for me. But I was nowhere near admitting this out loud. Especially not to my mom, and least of all: to myself. I was able to slough off what my mom said that day as easily as my pedicurist was able to deal with the cracked and dry skin on the bottom of my feet because, be at your heart or your heels: This is what happens when you misuse and refuse care. You begin to dry up, and what’s underneath begins to go numb.”
Incredibly insightful & inspiring!
Theresa writes with such vulnerability, authenticity, and exquisite descriptions throughout her memoir. Told in a collection of stories journeying through her childhood, adolescent, college, and adult years, by the end I felt I had both known her forever and at the same time, just met the “real” Theresa. I loved all of the 90s culture references. 😍
She expertly reveals the spiritual, cultural, and ambiguous circumstances surrounding her father’s mysterious death and describes the toll this unexplained loss had on her and her family. A beautiful, courageous debut. Congratulations, Theresa.
Disclosure: I know her!” Or, more accurately, I knew Theresa Okokon. In middle and high school. But this review isn’t about me (that much.) I love memoirs and didn’t know what to expect when I discovered a former classmate had authored a debut with themes such as loss, identity, family, and love, all with raw honesty and a sense of humor along the way.
(One of my) favorite paragraphs: “If I’m honest, though, sitting in that nail salon at the age of thirst-three, I was quietly beginning to lose hope that love would ever actually happen for me. But I was nowhere near admitting this out loud. Especially not to my mom, and least of all: to myself. I was able to slough off what my mom said that day as easily as my pedicurist was able to deal with the cracked and dry skin on the bottom of my feet because, be at your heart or your heels: This is what happens when you misuse and refuse care. You begin to dry up, and what’s underneath begins to go numb.”
Incredibly insightful & inspiring!
Theresa writes with such vulnerability, authenticity, and exquisite descriptions throughout her memoir. Told in a collection of stories journeying through her childhood, adolescent, college, and adult years, by the end I felt I had both known her forever and at the same time, just met the “real” Theresa. I loved all of the 90s culture references. 😍
She expertly reveals the spiritual, cultural, and ambiguous circumstances surrounding her father’s mysterious death and describes the toll this unexplained loss had on her and her family. A beautiful, courageous debut. Congratulations, Theresa.
February 3, 2025
A memoir told in essays, this was a well-written look into the life of the daughter of African immigrants who was raised in (very white) Wisconsin and all that comes with that. Her essays touch on a variety of topics, including the duality of being a black woman raised in a white environment, discovering who you are as you grow up, relationships with men, and the complicated nature of family. The most powerful was her exploration of the events and aftermath of her father’s death and how it affected her for decades to come.
Pub Date: 2/4/25
Review Published: 2/3/25
eARC received from NetGalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
Pub Date: 2/4/25
Review Published: 2/3/25
eARC received from NetGalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
2025
October 2, 2025Memoir March TBR
📱 Thank you to NetGalley and Atria Books
📱 Thank you to NetGalley and Atria Books
February 20, 2025
Funny and warm memoir of the author's life as a Black girl and woman growing up in Wisconsin and the daughter of a mother from Ghana and a father from Nigeria. The book is broken up into individual stories which deal with her childhood in a suburb of Milwaukee where she was one of the few Black girls in her school and continuing on to her as an adult living in Boston. I enjoyed hearing about her childhood with her pediatrician mother and professor father and the parts about her fathers mysterious death in Nigeria read like a mystery novel.
Some of the book delves into her history of dating where she wanted to find love but often found herself pleasing others at the expense of her own needs and wants. I loved a story dealing with her mother's rocking chair where she explores the idea of parents keeping things for their children and there comes a time when the child has to keep things for themselves. A lot of her thoughts were in the philosophical range and I particularly liked her idea that parents can sow seeds that will root in their children, but children will pick up their own seeds and spores and we are all both connected and independent of our parents. Okokon is a storyteller, teacher, essayist and performs her stories on stage. I can't wait to read more by this talented and thoughtful writer. Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for a copy of this ARC for review.
Some of the book delves into her history of dating where she wanted to find love but often found herself pleasing others at the expense of her own needs and wants. I loved a story dealing with her mother's rocking chair where she explores the idea of parents keeping things for their children and there comes a time when the child has to keep things for themselves. A lot of her thoughts were in the philosophical range and I particularly liked her idea that parents can sow seeds that will root in their children, but children will pick up their own seeds and spores and we are all both connected and independent of our parents. Okokon is a storyteller, teacher, essayist and performs her stories on stage. I can't wait to read more by this talented and thoughtful writer. Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for a copy of this ARC for review.
December 26, 2025
I picked up this memoir in essays due to the connection to Nigeria, and the essays where the author explored her father's Nigerian background and his death were indeed the highlight of the book, in my opinion. I think there were many loose ends she could have explored deeper though. The author also made some interesting observations about being a black girl and subsequently a black woman in America.
Apart from that, though, I struggled to connect with many parts when she for example explored girlhood, her romantic relationships, and her views on family. I just found it a bit too introspective - like what are you trying to tell us with this detailed account of the role a blankie played when you broke your arm as a toddler? Perhaps I was not the right target group for this book.
[Audiobook, 2.5 ☆]
Apart from that, though, I struggled to connect with many parts when she for example explored girlhood, her romantic relationships, and her views on family. I just found it a bit too introspective - like what are you trying to tell us with this detailed account of the role a blankie played when you broke your arm as a toddler? Perhaps I was not the right target group for this book.
[Audiobook, 2.5 ☆]
August 3, 2025
8.57/10.00
December 31, 2025
A terrific memoir about identity, coming-of-age, and loss. Fast-paced, funny, and occasionally racy, this book is a romp!
June 8, 2024
I loved this book! Okokon is a masterful writer and her prose is so much fun to read. Each essay stands alone well, but I really appreciated how she wove them all together to tell her story. This book has such authenticity and personality while simultaneously being very relatable. She dives into deeper topics in a way that feels accessible to the reader. There is so much to love in this short book, her essay on her mother’s rocking chair in particular will stay with me. I adored this memoir and I hope to read more from this talented author!
August 3, 2025
okokon’s writing style felt kinda juvenile — too much Tell and not enough Show, too distanced and cerebral to evoke emotional investment from the reader. i felt like i was listening to a transcript of the internal monologue inside her head.
but i did enjoy okokon’s #strong #quirky #unapologetic voice — her personality very much shines through in her writing.
but i did enjoy okokon’s #strong #quirky #unapologetic voice — her personality very much shines through in her writing.
December 29, 2024
Disclosure: I know the author (like in the "They officiated my wedding and we go on vacations together" way).
Now onto the review:
Another reviewer of this book (thanks, Jaye Donnelly) stated that this book reads "as if being told to you by an old childhood friend." While I am not an "old childhood friend" of Theresa's (we just don't go back that far), I can confirm that the experience of reading this memoir is as close to chatting with Theresa as you can get, save for actually sitting across from her at a bar and conversing face-to-face. There is a familiarity with you, the reader, with which Theresa writes despite having never met most of who will pick up this book. That connection, that "Let me draw you into what we're talking about here" approach to the themes covered in this memoir is seemingly very intentional. Whether it's the "textisms" (as another reviewer called them) or the asides (such as telling us we are wrong if we think glassware for cocktails doesn't matter [and, in fact, we are if we think that]), Theresa puts you front and center in her audience. Because while this is a memoir of her life and her experience, she both understands you will connect to parts of her story in very personal ways, and seeks to achieve a sense of identity within the ethos of storytellers you are letting into your life.
What I appreciate most about this memoir, and what I will take with me in hopes of figuring out how to apply it more truthfully in my own life, is Theresa's unabashed vulnerability in being who she is. Across essays tackling family loss, identity, and fitting-in-ness (socially, romantically, culturally), Theresa explores how and why she is who she is without the expectation that we, as the readers, will like that person. But the beauty of it all is that, in the end, she tasks us all with doing the same: to find our own story, figure out how to tell it, and then share it. And if she, or the rest of us, don't like it, well that's OK.
For those who don't trust my review because of my disclosure, I offer you this: after I finished reading this memoir, my husband asked me how I would feel about it if I didn't know Theresa. To that, I say this: Theresa's memoir covers a lot of ground. While all of that ground connects back to itself, the whole book is not about her father's death, nor about her Blackness, nor about any of the other themes she introduces. In the books I read, I look for a strong story arc to hold everything together so I can better understand what I am consuming. It was sometimes hard for me to follow one narrative thread all the way through this memoir. But, in hindsight, I have to wonder if that wasn't part of the point: in becoming who we are, there isn't one defined path we follow(ed).
Now onto the review:
Another reviewer of this book (thanks, Jaye Donnelly) stated that this book reads "as if being told to you by an old childhood friend." While I am not an "old childhood friend" of Theresa's (we just don't go back that far), I can confirm that the experience of reading this memoir is as close to chatting with Theresa as you can get, save for actually sitting across from her at a bar and conversing face-to-face. There is a familiarity with you, the reader, with which Theresa writes despite having never met most of who will pick up this book. That connection, that "Let me draw you into what we're talking about here" approach to the themes covered in this memoir is seemingly very intentional. Whether it's the "textisms" (as another reviewer called them) or the asides (such as telling us we are wrong if we think glassware for cocktails doesn't matter [and, in fact, we are if we think that]), Theresa puts you front and center in her audience. Because while this is a memoir of her life and her experience, she both understands you will connect to parts of her story in very personal ways, and seeks to achieve a sense of identity within the ethos of storytellers you are letting into your life.
What I appreciate most about this memoir, and what I will take with me in hopes of figuring out how to apply it more truthfully in my own life, is Theresa's unabashed vulnerability in being who she is. Across essays tackling family loss, identity, and fitting-in-ness (socially, romantically, culturally), Theresa explores how and why she is who she is without the expectation that we, as the readers, will like that person. But the beauty of it all is that, in the end, she tasks us all with doing the same: to find our own story, figure out how to tell it, and then share it. And if she, or the rest of us, don't like it, well that's OK.
For those who don't trust my review because of my disclosure, I offer you this: after I finished reading this memoir, my husband asked me how I would feel about it if I didn't know Theresa. To that, I say this: Theresa's memoir covers a lot of ground. While all of that ground connects back to itself, the whole book is not about her father's death, nor about her Blackness, nor about any of the other themes she introduces. In the books I read, I look for a strong story arc to hold everything together so I can better understand what I am consuming. It was sometimes hard for me to follow one narrative thread all the way through this memoir. But, in hindsight, I have to wonder if that wasn't part of the point: in becoming who we are, there isn't one defined path we follow(ed).
February 19, 2025
Who I Always Was – Theresa Okokon - 2025 –
In this heartfelt debut memoir, Theresa Okokon explored the meanings and impact of parental loss combined with the social and cultural forces that shaped her life story. Theresa Okokon is a celebrated television co-host, storyteller, teacher, and writer. Her work has been featured in several publications and media formats.
Theresa was one of four siblings born and raised in Wisconsin by West African parents. In Fall River, the family lived in a spacious landscaped home, her parents both had PhD levels of education, her mother worked in the medical field, and her father was referred to as “the doctor of books” and was a professor at the University of Wisconsin.
When her father, a healthy 42-year-old man returned to Nigeria for his mother’s funeral, he never returned (1992). Her African-American relatives spoke in careful hushed tones when they visited, and never in English, there were many versions of the stories surrounding his mysterious death.
In 1990’s teen culture, Theresa, cute and popular, would always fit in at her privileged predominately White schools. Often, she was the only Black girl, it was easy for her to “act White” to gain acceptance. This worked until she realized that the White boys she liked were never actually interested in her. Despite having a teen boyfriend of four years, this troubling trend of non-committal disinterest would continue into adulthood. Theresa later joined the Peace Corps.
The move from Wisconsin to New England was invigorating and Theresa planned to buy a house. The haunting investigation into her father’s death, combined with her inability to obtain a supportive committed relationship left her troubled and unsettled. In a moment of sorrow, she realized that grasping at the “low hanging fruit” her responses of anger or angst to any degree of discomfort would no longer apply-- she would no longer be that person. Theresa’s journey of grief, identity, and healing is truly inspirational, great cover too! With thanks to Simon and Schuster via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.
In this heartfelt debut memoir, Theresa Okokon explored the meanings and impact of parental loss combined with the social and cultural forces that shaped her life story. Theresa Okokon is a celebrated television co-host, storyteller, teacher, and writer. Her work has been featured in several publications and media formats.
Theresa was one of four siblings born and raised in Wisconsin by West African parents. In Fall River, the family lived in a spacious landscaped home, her parents both had PhD levels of education, her mother worked in the medical field, and her father was referred to as “the doctor of books” and was a professor at the University of Wisconsin.
When her father, a healthy 42-year-old man returned to Nigeria for his mother’s funeral, he never returned (1992). Her African-American relatives spoke in careful hushed tones when they visited, and never in English, there were many versions of the stories surrounding his mysterious death.
In 1990’s teen culture, Theresa, cute and popular, would always fit in at her privileged predominately White schools. Often, she was the only Black girl, it was easy for her to “act White” to gain acceptance. This worked until she realized that the White boys she liked were never actually interested in her. Despite having a teen boyfriend of four years, this troubling trend of non-committal disinterest would continue into adulthood. Theresa later joined the Peace Corps.
The move from Wisconsin to New England was invigorating and Theresa planned to buy a house. The haunting investigation into her father’s death, combined with her inability to obtain a supportive committed relationship left her troubled and unsettled. In a moment of sorrow, she realized that grasping at the “low hanging fruit” her responses of anger or angst to any degree of discomfort would no longer apply-- she would no longer be that person. Theresa’s journey of grief, identity, and healing is truly inspirational, great cover too! With thanks to Simon and Schuster via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.
November 12, 2024
Who I always was by Theresa Okokon is a memoir ,a journey of self-discovery and a compelling read from start to finish.
At first glance, I found the formatting of the book a bit unconventional. It took some time to acclimate to the unique layout and structure, but once I dove into the narrative, I was utterly captivated. The author’s storytelling is both inviting and raw, pulling me into her world as she shares intimate glimpses of her childhood memories, loss of her father , family dynamics, and romantic struggles. I quickly found myself lost in the pages, unable to put the book down.
What struck me most about her writing is the profound exploration of self-discovery. The author reflects on how our memories can shift and morph over time, offering a poignant reminder that our understanding of the past is often colored by our present experiences. This introspective journey resonates deeply, prompting readers to contemplate their own memories and personal growth.
Moreover, the author's humor and honesty shine throughout the narrative, creating an authentic connection with her audience. She masterfully balances poignant moments with light-hearted anecdotes, resulting in a well-rounded reading experience.
This book is not just a compilation of life events; it’s a celebration of the complexities of human experience. I truly appreciate the perspective and stories within these pages, and it has left me eager to see what else this talented author will produce in the future. If you’re looking for an engaging read that blends humor with deep self-reflection, this book is a must-read. I wholeheartedly recommend it and look forward to more literary contributions from this remarkable storyteller.
At first glance, I found the formatting of the book a bit unconventional. It took some time to acclimate to the unique layout and structure, but once I dove into the narrative, I was utterly captivated. The author’s storytelling is both inviting and raw, pulling me into her world as she shares intimate glimpses of her childhood memories, loss of her father , family dynamics, and romantic struggles. I quickly found myself lost in the pages, unable to put the book down.
What struck me most about her writing is the profound exploration of self-discovery. The author reflects on how our memories can shift and morph over time, offering a poignant reminder that our understanding of the past is often colored by our present experiences. This introspective journey resonates deeply, prompting readers to contemplate their own memories and personal growth.
Moreover, the author's humor and honesty shine throughout the narrative, creating an authentic connection with her audience. She masterfully balances poignant moments with light-hearted anecdotes, resulting in a well-rounded reading experience.
This book is not just a compilation of life events; it’s a celebration of the complexities of human experience. I truly appreciate the perspective and stories within these pages, and it has left me eager to see what else this talented author will produce in the future. If you’re looking for an engaging read that blends humor with deep self-reflection, this book is a must-read. I wholeheartedly recommend it and look forward to more literary contributions from this remarkable storyteller.
December 11, 2024
”That’s the thing about identity: so much of it is nothing more than what others see in you… I am not interested in being who you want—or believe—me to be. I’d rather tell you, show you, who I am.”
A profoundly moving tribute to home, heritage, Blackness, and belonging. Theresa Okokon writes vividly about her family, her childhood, and her hopes for her own future. I love the cover—something beautiful and vibrant, flourishing in an unexpected place. This feels right for the tone of her essays.
”I have spent my life wanting to feel like I was part of something. A member of the club… Is my belonging real? Do I really belong to and with anyone?”
I especially appreciated the theme of identity and the things Okokon shared about her journey toward self-discovery. She details her mixed Nigerian and Ghanaian heritage, and offers valuable insight on the intersectionality of Blackness and immigration.
”Merely being happy and wanting to be somewhere doesn’t mean you can make yourself fit that place.”
Okokon’s writing makes me want to get lost in my own memories for a while, and see if I can unravel the braided threads of my own upbringing and ancestry and experiences. Would recommend this collection for fans of Transcendent Kingdom or Aftershocks.
——
A huge thank you to Theresa Okukon, Atria, and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review!
A profoundly moving tribute to home, heritage, Blackness, and belonging. Theresa Okokon writes vividly about her family, her childhood, and her hopes for her own future. I love the cover—something beautiful and vibrant, flourishing in an unexpected place. This feels right for the tone of her essays.
”I have spent my life wanting to feel like I was part of something. A member of the club… Is my belonging real? Do I really belong to and with anyone?”
I especially appreciated the theme of identity and the things Okokon shared about her journey toward self-discovery. She details her mixed Nigerian and Ghanaian heritage, and offers valuable insight on the intersectionality of Blackness and immigration.
”Merely being happy and wanting to be somewhere doesn’t mean you can make yourself fit that place.”
Okokon’s writing makes me want to get lost in my own memories for a while, and see if I can unravel the braided threads of my own upbringing and ancestry and experiences. Would recommend this collection for fans of Transcendent Kingdom or Aftershocks.
——
A huge thank you to Theresa Okukon, Atria, and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review!
January 17, 2025
Publishing February 4th
4.5
Theresa Okokon, half Nigerian and half Ghanaian, grew up in a mostly white suburb in Wisconsin, with well-educated parents. Really, nothing predicts the loss of her father and the various ways his mysterious death becomes woven into Okokon's life from that point on.
Many of the essays are about Okokon's lack of connectedness. With lovers, with classmates, with family. And though the subject matter feels at times defeating, she often has a witty aside or shares a lesson learned, so it doesn't feel like sadness as much as a window to transformation.
I particularly loved this passage that was such a sudden and obvious bit of clarity for me, in spite of never having thought of it this way:
"...I was working as a youth services social worker, and I had come to hate - and love - the experience of being someone's grown-up. What made me most uncomfortable was the fact that you just never knew when you were doing something they'd never forget. You never know which observation of you processing your emotions will become the manual for how they express theirs. You never know which of the things you give them will become the things they held on to forever, nor which of your words will grow into a life lesson."
Thank you to Atria Books and NetGalley for an ARC of this novel in exchange for my honest review.
4.5
Theresa Okokon, half Nigerian and half Ghanaian, grew up in a mostly white suburb in Wisconsin, with well-educated parents. Really, nothing predicts the loss of her father and the various ways his mysterious death becomes woven into Okokon's life from that point on.
Many of the essays are about Okokon's lack of connectedness. With lovers, with classmates, with family. And though the subject matter feels at times defeating, she often has a witty aside or shares a lesson learned, so it doesn't feel like sadness as much as a window to transformation.
I particularly loved this passage that was such a sudden and obvious bit of clarity for me, in spite of never having thought of it this way:
"...I was working as a youth services social worker, and I had come to hate - and love - the experience of being someone's grown-up. What made me most uncomfortable was the fact that you just never knew when you were doing something they'd never forget. You never know which observation of you processing your emotions will become the manual for how they express theirs. You never know which of the things you give them will become the things they held on to forever, nor which of your words will grow into a life lesson."
Thank you to Atria Books and NetGalley for an ARC of this novel in exchange for my honest review.
December 28, 2024
What a powerful memoir! I love Okokon so much!
"Many of the characters and versions of the truth presented here are things my family does not talk about, words I have never heard my mother utter aloud. And it would be foolish of me to presume the silence has been accidental, much less unintentional. 'As long as you're telling the truth,' my mom once told me, 'I'm fine with it.'"
And thus begins a wild ride, made wilder by the fact that it's Okokon's story. And a wild ride that reminds us all to just be who you've always been - your authentic self, no matter what that ride has been like.
In fact, Okokon writes, "It depends on how you define the word 'truth'. Is there even such a thing as truth? Can there be more than one? How do you define family, blood, community? Does sharing blood make you family? Is community like blood? And what about blame? If there is no blood on anyone's hands, who is to blame?"
All the hard questions, no easy answers, but written in Okokon's flowing style that makes this book impossible to put down and unlikely to forget.
"The truth, if there is such a thing, exists in both the words and the silence of the story."
My favorite part involves Okokon's favorite animal: hippos. 10/10.
So many things about this book resonate. Highly recommend!
"Many of the characters and versions of the truth presented here are things my family does not talk about, words I have never heard my mother utter aloud. And it would be foolish of me to presume the silence has been accidental, much less unintentional. 'As long as you're telling the truth,' my mom once told me, 'I'm fine with it.'"
And thus begins a wild ride, made wilder by the fact that it's Okokon's story. And a wild ride that reminds us all to just be who you've always been - your authentic self, no matter what that ride has been like.
In fact, Okokon writes, "It depends on how you define the word 'truth'. Is there even such a thing as truth? Can there be more than one? How do you define family, blood, community? Does sharing blood make you family? Is community like blood? And what about blame? If there is no blood on anyone's hands, who is to blame?"
All the hard questions, no easy answers, but written in Okokon's flowing style that makes this book impossible to put down and unlikely to forget.
"The truth, if there is such a thing, exists in both the words and the silence of the story."
My favorite part involves Okokon's favorite animal: hippos. 10/10.
So many things about this book resonate. Highly recommend!
October 3, 2024
The focus of this memoir was self discovery and finding the "truth" in the stories that make us. The author is growing as a person in all these complex ways throughout the book. You can tell where she is struggling, where she succeeds, and where she learns. I will say that the author is extremely self aware. Just as you're reading her story about something that she did or said that makes you, as a reader, cringe, the next chapter or page reflects back and analyzes where she went wrong.
Theresa Okokon and I could not be more opposite in the circumstances that brought us to be. Yet, I found so much to relate to her on and also found my eyes opened to how someone different from me may perceive and view actions/events.
The book jumped around in terms of timeline, and organized itself more through categories and relating events/thoughts. I really liked this aspect, due to the fact that there were two main themes (finding herself/truth, her father's death/murder), neither really being big enough to focus on for the entirety of the book, but both equally enlightening/entertaining. The author has a great writing style, and an enlightening story to tell.
Theresa Okokon and I could not be more opposite in the circumstances that brought us to be. Yet, I found so much to relate to her on and also found my eyes opened to how someone different from me may perceive and view actions/events.
The book jumped around in terms of timeline, and organized itself more through categories and relating events/thoughts. I really liked this aspect, due to the fact that there were two main themes (finding herself/truth, her father's death/murder), neither really being big enough to focus on for the entirety of the book, but both equally enlightening/entertaining. The author has a great writing style, and an enlightening story to tell.
April 25, 2025
I just finished listening to WHO I ALWAYS WAS by Theresa Okokon. Her memoir, her voice, and her honesty invited me to understand the difference between my truth and the TRUTH. Her mother immigrated to Wisconsin from Ghana, her father from Nigeria. A cultural impact that became challenging and inspiring.
I’m a sixty-six-year-old woman. In the thirty-ish years between my generation and Okokon’s, families, relationships, and yes, our individual truths have morphed into a scary quagmire that somehow Okokon courageously describes and faces.
I listened to her novel so I can’t quote her but, when she described her family and how the word “kin” jumped off the screen and landed in her lap, I nodded. It all made sense. For every woman in their 30’s and 40’s, while reading this novel you too will nod, smile, laugh, and may even wipe away a tear or two.
This book is also a must read for us older woman. At times I have found it difficult to understand the challenges girls/women growing up in the eighties and nineties faced. I now must admit I can offer empathy but will never fully understand. Beautiful book.
I’m a sixty-six-year-old woman. In the thirty-ish years between my generation and Okokon’s, families, relationships, and yes, our individual truths have morphed into a scary quagmire that somehow Okokon courageously describes and faces.
I listened to her novel so I can’t quote her but, when she described her family and how the word “kin” jumped off the screen and landed in her lap, I nodded. It all made sense. For every woman in their 30’s and 40’s, while reading this novel you too will nod, smile, laugh, and may even wipe away a tear or two.
This book is also a must read for us older woman. At times I have found it difficult to understand the challenges girls/women growing up in the eighties and nineties faced. I now must admit I can offer empathy but will never fully understand. Beautiful book.
February 3, 2025
Who I Always Was is the story of Theresa Okokon told in essays. It is about her experience growing up as an American black female of Ghanaian and Nigerian descent in a mostly white world. She often feels like an outsider with both the black community and the white community. In addition, she has some tragic things to cope with.
I found this memoir to be really interesting; lots of her teenaged experiences seem common to many that age in that she struggles with self confidence and yearns to fit in and be accepted. But then there is a whole new level of feeling different because of her race and background. How did that affect Theresa? What will it take for Theresa to be happy? How important is it for her to have a loving partner in her life? What kind of mistakes did she make along the way, and how did they shape her for the future? What does she need to be fulfilled? What defines her self worth? I would love to see an update in the future. Thank you to NetGalley and Atria Books for the digital ARC.
I found this memoir to be really interesting; lots of her teenaged experiences seem common to many that age in that she struggles with self confidence and yearns to fit in and be accepted. But then there is a whole new level of feeling different because of her race and background. How did that affect Theresa? What will it take for Theresa to be happy? How important is it for her to have a loving partner in her life? What kind of mistakes did she make along the way, and how did they shape her for the future? What does she need to be fulfilled? What defines her self worth? I would love to see an update in the future. Thank you to NetGalley and Atria Books for the digital ARC.
March 5, 2025
To be fair, I know Theresa IRL (lucky me!) but, this review is based solely on the book alone.
I could not put this book down. Literally, I finished it in one sitting. Theresa’s personality pours through, and I hear her saying things in her voice as I read.
I learned so much about my friend that I didn’t know previously from this book. But, to any stranger reading this- the story is still one that keeps you engaged. Her style of writing was a breeze to read through. Very easy to pick back up and start again (or if you’re like me, not put down.) Honestly, just the cover alone would have lured me in if I saw this on a shelf.
The section on dating in our late 30’s like was looking into a mirror, including the Mom commentary.
Also, the Dead-Dad Club got me in the feels as I too am unfortunately a member.
Highly recommend checking this one out! So proud of you, Theresa!
I could not put this book down. Literally, I finished it in one sitting. Theresa’s personality pours through, and I hear her saying things in her voice as I read.
I learned so much about my friend that I didn’t know previously from this book. But, to any stranger reading this- the story is still one that keeps you engaged. Her style of writing was a breeze to read through. Very easy to pick back up and start again (or if you’re like me, not put down.) Honestly, just the cover alone would have lured me in if I saw this on a shelf.
The section on dating in our late 30’s like was looking into a mirror, including the Mom commentary.
Also, the Dead-Dad Club got me in the feels as I too am unfortunately a member.
Highly recommend checking this one out! So proud of you, Theresa!
March 20, 2025
I received this text early from NetGalley for review.
The author, Theresa Okokon, lost her father at a very early age when he traveled to Nigeria to bury his mother and never returned.
Throughout the stories in the text, we come to find out that Theresa and her siblings were told many different versions of what may have happened to her father. But in all of the versions, one person stood out as a possible suspect for her father's disappearance.
This text is not only about Theresa's loss of her father, rather it is full of stories from her life as she reflects back to the ones that helped to shape who she became.
Theresa writes with so much detail and interest, that the reader is drawn in and becomes part of the story. I felt as if I were the one experiencing some of the emotions she so clearly described. One that particularly stood out was about a rocking chair that she treasured, and was heart-broken when her mom gifted. Theresa had created fake memories (and acknowledged this) around this chair, despite knowing they could not be real based on when the chair was purchased.
The author, Theresa Okokon, lost her father at a very early age when he traveled to Nigeria to bury his mother and never returned.
Throughout the stories in the text, we come to find out that Theresa and her siblings were told many different versions of what may have happened to her father. But in all of the versions, one person stood out as a possible suspect for her father's disappearance.
This text is not only about Theresa's loss of her father, rather it is full of stories from her life as she reflects back to the ones that helped to shape who she became.
Theresa writes with so much detail and interest, that the reader is drawn in and becomes part of the story. I felt as if I were the one experiencing some of the emotions she so clearly described. One that particularly stood out was about a rocking chair that she treasured, and was heart-broken when her mom gifted. Theresa had created fake memories (and acknowledged this) around this chair, despite knowing they could not be real based on when the chair was purchased.
January 2, 2025
This was my first ever ARC so big thank you to NetGalley and Atria! I genuinely enjoyed reading this memoir so much and was disappointed to find out that this was Theresa Okokon’s debut.
At the age of 9, Theresa’s father goes on a trip home to Nigeria and never returns. Her collection of essays documents her unique experience of grief and the life that was shaped by this loss.
Her perspective on her lived experiences was really refreshing to read and she wrote in a way that intertwined a more poetic prose with jokey/relatable quips that wasn’t corny. I also loved this cover and all of the hidden meaning I was able to point out after having read.
At the age of 9, Theresa’s father goes on a trip home to Nigeria and never returns. Her collection of essays documents her unique experience of grief and the life that was shaped by this loss.
Her perspective on her lived experiences was really refreshing to read and she wrote in a way that intertwined a more poetic prose with jokey/relatable quips that wasn’t corny. I also loved this cover and all of the hidden meaning I was able to point out after having read.
February 3, 2025
A beautifully written book about Theresa, who lost her father when nine years old, learned to identify with who she really is. I felt that it shows that no matter what you think about a person, you never really know them or what they have been through. I love the way that she wears her heart on her sleeve, even after being hurt time and time again. I feel that to truly feel something you have to give it everything because while you may get hurt, you may also find so much more than what you are searching for. I completely agree with the way that she explained that there may not be a truth with a capital T because we all see things differently and therefore the truth can hold many forms.
Want to read
June 28, 2025If you have been following me, this won’t be one of my longer reviews as it’s a nonfiction book. This book follows the life of Theresa who writes what she goes through in her life in essays. I enjoyed the writing style of this memoir and how it just connects to oneself. The story was well written and makes you want to know more of how Theresa felt. I loved seeing the growth of a person of color, especially in the suburbs of Wisconsin. This is a must-read memoir and if you don’t enjoy nonfiction like me, I’m telling you, this book will change that.
*this e-arc was sent to me by the publisher to give an honest review in return*
*this e-arc was sent to me by the publisher to give an honest review in return*
March 9, 2025
I went into this book blind and found myself consuming it in one day. It is so well written. As a woman the same age as the author, I caught all of her cultural touch points. Now living near where she grew up, I know the locations she mentions. But there was so much here new to me, that I could never have even imagined. I am so glad I fell into this book. If you're a Roxanne Gay fan, you'll find a lot to love in this book. If you love this book and have not explored Ms. Gay's works, check them out!
October 25, 2024
Thank you to the publishers for the ARC of this book. I believe this is the debut novel for Theresa, Okokon. In this memoir she discusses coming of age stories that helped shape who she is today. She explores her father's death, her family's background, and relationships. Okokon's memoir discusses her finding herself as she grows older and learning to love who you are. Each essay was relatable and honest. I enjoyed this memoir and can appreciate who authentic this author was to us, the readers.
March 20, 2025
This was a beautifully written memoir that I could see sticking with me for a while. This was a beautifully written series of essays telling the authors story. The writing was lyrical and thought provoking and themes really stuck with me. This is the first book by this author and would read more from them in the future. I would like to thank NetGalley and the publishers for a chance to read this book for an honest review.
November 10, 2025
Okokon is a storyteller and honest about who she is: “Telling someone how I feel is always more about me than it is about them.” And yet, as a child of two West African-born parents, growing up in predominantly White neighborhoods, Okokon tried fit in, “to be someone other than who I was.” In this debut memoir/essay collection, she explores her identity through relationships and discovers who she always was.
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