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Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change
Is it really possible to change one's personality in a year? The Atlantic journalist Olga Khazan proves it is in Me, But Better, which covers her year-long experiment in personality change.
In recent years journalist Olga Khazan had been heading into an existential crisis. Although she treasured her loving, long-term relationship and her dream job, she often caught herself snatching dissatisfaction from the jaws of happiness. Her neurotic overachieving had always been a professional asset, but lately Khazan felt her brittle disposition could shatter under the weight of just one more thing. She knew something had to give—but was it really possible to change her approach to life?
Research shows one can alter personality traits by behaving in ways that align with the kind of person one would like to be—a process that can bring greater happiness, better health, and more success. In Me, But Better, Khazan embarks on an experiment to see whether it’s possible to go from dwelling in dread to “radiating joy.” For one year, she reluctantly clicked “yes” on a bucket list of new experiences—from meditation to improv to sailing—that forced her to at least act happy. With a skeptic’s eye, Khazan brings the reader on her journey through the science of personality, presenting evidence-backed techniques to help readers change their minds for the better. Sharply witty and deeply fascinating, Me, But Better offers a probing inquiry into what it means to live a fulfilling life, and how one can keep diving into change, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.
In recent years journalist Olga Khazan had been heading into an existential crisis. Although she treasured her loving, long-term relationship and her dream job, she often caught herself snatching dissatisfaction from the jaws of happiness. Her neurotic overachieving had always been a professional asset, but lately Khazan felt her brittle disposition could shatter under the weight of just one more thing. She knew something had to give—but was it really possible to change her approach to life?
Research shows one can alter personality traits by behaving in ways that align with the kind of person one would like to be—a process that can bring greater happiness, better health, and more success. In Me, But Better, Khazan embarks on an experiment to see whether it’s possible to go from dwelling in dread to “radiating joy.” For one year, she reluctantly clicked “yes” on a bucket list of new experiences—from meditation to improv to sailing—that forced her to at least act happy. With a skeptic’s eye, Khazan brings the reader on her journey through the science of personality, presenting evidence-backed techniques to help readers change their minds for the better. Sharply witty and deeply fascinating, Me, But Better offers a probing inquiry into what it means to live a fulfilling life, and how one can keep diving into change, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.
275 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 11, 2025
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 157 reviews
March 19, 2025
Let me save you some time.
Your personality is the story you tell yourself about your identity. It’s made up of habits and beliefs.
You can change those habits and beliefs. But it takes intentional work.
Your personality is the story you tell yourself about your identity. It’s made up of habits and beliefs.
You can change those habits and beliefs. But it takes intentional work.
February 11, 2026
I love when a journalist makes themself a test subject. I’ve eagerly devoured the work of writers like A.J. Jacobs and Gretchen Rubin, and fans of their books are definitely going to like this one as well.
At the start of the book, the author has a successful career and a happy relationship, but she knows she also exhibits personality traits that are holding her back. Little things stress her out to the point of frustration, she sometimes snaps at her easygoing boyfriend, and she chooses evenings alone on the couch over seeing friends way too often (relatable!) On top of that, she and her boyfriend are trying to conceive, and she’s worried she’s too neurotic and disagreeable to be a good mom. Enter personality science.
It turns out our “big five” personality traits are WAY more malleable than previously thought. Studies show that if we act like the kind of person we want to become, we will begin to see ourselves as that kind of person. So the author sets out on challenges to change the things she doesn’t like about herself. She challenges her introversion by starting a Meetup group and taking improv classes, and she begins meditating to conquer her anxiety. Sprinkled throughout the book are helpful research results and interviews with experts, in addition to the writer’s own (often hilarious) anecdotes.
Readers may find themselves inspired to take on a similar challenge. I won’t be joining an improv class any time soon, but my introverted self WILL be making more plans with friends!
At the start of the book, the author has a successful career and a happy relationship, but she knows she also exhibits personality traits that are holding her back. Little things stress her out to the point of frustration, she sometimes snaps at her easygoing boyfriend, and she chooses evenings alone on the couch over seeing friends way too often (relatable!) On top of that, she and her boyfriend are trying to conceive, and she’s worried she’s too neurotic and disagreeable to be a good mom. Enter personality science.
It turns out our “big five” personality traits are WAY more malleable than previously thought. Studies show that if we act like the kind of person we want to become, we will begin to see ourselves as that kind of person. So the author sets out on challenges to change the things she doesn’t like about herself. She challenges her introversion by starting a Meetup group and taking improv classes, and she begins meditating to conquer her anxiety. Sprinkled throughout the book are helpful research results and interviews with experts, in addition to the writer’s own (often hilarious) anecdotes.
Readers may find themselves inspired to take on a similar challenge. I won’t be joining an improv class any time soon, but my introverted self WILL be making more plans with friends!
April 21, 2025
I started off rather slowly with this one: I found the author a little difficult to take, and I didn’t necessarily see myself relating to her changes (neuroticism in particular.) She just seemed like a difficult person whose problems were mostly self-inflicted. I was intrigued enough to take one of the five-trait personality tests around which she structures her book, which got me engaged in seeing which traits I needed to work on. And the longer I kept going, the more I enjoyed the book. I grew to appreciate her frank disclosure of the personality traits she wished to change, and why, and also the activities in which she engaged to get there. And I felt like there was helpful advice, no matter what someone needed to work on. It is not a traditional self-help book, and at first, I thought it was going to be too duplicative/derivative of Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. But ultimately, and maybe it was because of the work she was willing to do on herself, i saw the author as someone who I would like to get to know and hear more from. Which I think is the most you can hope for with this type of book: find something useful from learning more about someone else’s journey.
January 29, 2025
This one made me think and want to take action in my own life. In this book, Khazan takes on the challenge of changing her personality? Can we even do that? Focusing on the OCEAN personality traits (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeable, neuroticism) Khazan takes different actions to challenge negative traits in each area. In conclusion, we need to do more than think about how we should change ourselves for the better - but do different things to grow ourselves.
Highly recommend this book, I think it’s very well written, researched, and it’s definitely actionable for the reader.
Thanks Net Galley and Simon & Schuster for an advanced copy of this book!
Highly recommend this book, I think it’s very well written, researched, and it’s definitely actionable for the reader.
Thanks Net Galley and Simon & Schuster for an advanced copy of this book!
December 27, 2024
I was blown away to read about someone that l shared so many mental similarities with. Seriously, I felt as if I was just reading and having an internal conversation with girlfriend the entire time. It was AWESOME!
Bookseller ARC. Read the entire thing immediately.
Hilarious & makes the reader feel seen!
Bookseller ARC. Read the entire thing immediately.
Hilarious & makes the reader feel seen!
February 16, 2026
guys I’ve been so in the mood for a personality change lollll but I actually quite liked this ! nothing too crazy though except for the fact that people who suffer for neuroticism/general anxiety will always be a step behind in their careers! feels crazy
April 2, 2025
Quite exhausting to read this book. The author is so neurotic. This is more of a kind of mini memoir rather than containing anything that might help you contemplate your desire to change something about yourself.
August 16, 2025
"Only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things."
— T.S. Eliot
Me, But Better was an interesting look into the topic. I came across the author from her recent appearance on Michael Shermer's Skeptic podcast, which I enjoyed.
Author Olga Khazan is an American journalist and writer known for her work on health, science, and social science topics. She is a staff writer at The Atlantic.
Olga Khazan :
The author opens the book with a good intro. She's got a decent writing style that shouldn't struggle to hold the reader's attention. The book details a lot of her deep personal vulnerability. She says she drinks a lot, has a bad temper, and is somewhat antisocial. (I found this pretty relatable LMAO.) I appreciated that the stories about herself and her relationships here seemed real. The writing was super authentic. The audiobook version I have was also read by author, which was a nice touch.
The narrative in the book is split between the author's personal story, coupled with the relevant science along the way. She took a personality test, and tried to "fix" elements of her personality that she didn't like; chiefly her trait neuroticism and extroversion in the Big 5 Personality traits. She writes of these aspects of her personality in this short bit:
At the heart of the book is the thesis that personality is not fixed, but rather malleable. This line of thinking runs contrary to the orthodoxy of personality theory that has long been entrenched in modern psychology. She covers each of the 5 traits in the aforementioned Big 5, as well as different modalities and prescriptions for changing long-established behaviors.
She mentions the work of Carol S. Dweck and her "fixed" vs "growth" mindsets. In a theme that aligns with ones found in ancient philosophy, she says that traits can be modified. You are not your triats, you are your habits. And your habits are determined by your actions. Your actions, by your intentions. Your intentions, by your thoughts. It is the causal chain talked about in the famous quote: "Watch your thoughts, they become your actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny..."
********************
I enjoyed Me, But Better. It was an interesting short read. It was well-researched, written, and delivered. The author did a great job with this one.
I would definitely recommend it to anyone interested.
5 stars.
— T.S. Eliot
Me, But Better was an interesting look into the topic. I came across the author from her recent appearance on Michael Shermer's Skeptic podcast, which I enjoyed.
Author Olga Khazan is an American journalist and writer known for her work on health, science, and social science topics. She is a staff writer at The Atlantic.
Olga Khazan :
The author opens the book with a good intro. She's got a decent writing style that shouldn't struggle to hold the reader's attention. The book details a lot of her deep personal vulnerability. She says she drinks a lot, has a bad temper, and is somewhat antisocial. (I found this pretty relatable LMAO.) I appreciated that the stories about herself and her relationships here seemed real. The writing was super authentic. The audiobook version I have was also read by author, which was a nice touch.
The narrative in the book is split between the author's personal story, coupled with the relevant science along the way. She took a personality test, and tried to "fix" elements of her personality that she didn't like; chiefly her trait neuroticism and extroversion in the Big 5 Personality traits. She writes of these aspects of her personality in this short bit:
"...That wasn’t an isolated incident. I often had moments like these, in which I snatched dissatisfaction from the jaws of happiness.
My life, after all, is and was objectively excellent: I have a solid relationship, an interesting job, and a stable place to live. But neuroticism kept me from enjoying this bounty, and it meant that when some calamity—unemployment, a health scare—did inevitably strike, I crumbled more quickly than most. My personality blinded me to the ways I could expand my life and make it even better, or even just appreciate my good fortune.
In addition to neuroticism, personality consists of four other “factors,” or traits: extroversion (which is basically sociability); agreeableness (or niceness); openness to experience (vaguely, creativity); and conscientiousness (or orderliness). Together, your levels of these five traits predict how you’ll respond to various situations—like, say, if you’ll relish your special photo shoot in a tropical paradise or have a cosmic breakdown.
I had always felt unusually neurotic, introverted, and disagreeable. Over time, I stuck those labels to myself proudly, and I mostly lived by them, even when doing so made me miserable. I avoided anything that didn’t suit my personality perfectly..."
At the heart of the book is the thesis that personality is not fixed, but rather malleable. This line of thinking runs contrary to the orthodoxy of personality theory that has long been entrenched in modern psychology. She covers each of the 5 traits in the aforementioned Big 5, as well as different modalities and prescriptions for changing long-established behaviors.
She mentions the work of Carol S. Dweck and her "fixed" vs "growth" mindsets. In a theme that aligns with ones found in ancient philosophy, she says that traits can be modified. You are not your triats, you are your habits. And your habits are determined by your actions. Your actions, by your intentions. Your intentions, by your thoughts. It is the causal chain talked about in the famous quote: "Watch your thoughts, they become your actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny..."
********************
I enjoyed Me, But Better. It was an interesting short read. It was well-researched, written, and delivered. The author did a great job with this one.
I would definitely recommend it to anyone interested.
5 stars.
April 26, 2025
I heard the author on a podcast, being interviewed in front of an audience by Daniel Pink. She was so much more likable in the podcast than in the book. To be fair, she really opens up her inner dialogue and lets us see inside her head in a way that most of us keep hidden at all costs. So, maybe if everyone was this open I wouldn't have any relationships. She really does come across as highly neurotic (though she claims to have tamed that with her intentions). It's not complete memoir, because she blends her experiences of improving her Big Five personality traits with the more typical self-help scientific research and examples that give her story more credibility and readability. In that way, she blends the genres well enough to attract people from both camps.
Did I learn much? No, there's not a ton that's new to me here (but what's new to you will depend on what you've read or not read). The Big Five personality traits may be more scientifically back than Myers-Briggs, but MBT is still attractive for its boxes and labels. For everyone to be on a sliding scale on five traits, and to know those measurements can be changed, puts ownership back on individuals and isn't neatly explained with a four letter acronym. High/Medium/Low five times just sounds messier and more complicated.
However, if you don't like how you're showing up in the world, or you want to improve yourself, there's hope. And this book will help you see how you might get started on your own journey of self improvement.
Did I learn much? No, there's not a ton that's new to me here (but what's new to you will depend on what you've read or not read). The Big Five personality traits may be more scientifically back than Myers-Briggs, but MBT is still attractive for its boxes and labels. For everyone to be on a sliding scale on five traits, and to know those measurements can be changed, puts ownership back on individuals and isn't neatly explained with a four letter acronym. High/Medium/Low five times just sounds messier and more complicated.
However, if you don't like how you're showing up in the world, or you want to improve yourself, there's hope. And this book will help you see how you might get started on your own journey of self improvement.
May 30, 2025
This was a pretty easy read. Olga Khazan is a charming writer, and she does a nice job synthesizing some of the science behind the Big 5 personality traits and then diving into her research and experiences trying to change her personality. Despite the fact that Khazan sets out to become less neurotic and more emotionally stable, however, I think her neuroses really come across on the page (I'm a fellow neurotic, who would also like to become less anxious, and it takes one to know one.) I knew a lot of the information in the book, and so didn't find this particularly insightful. It was moderately entertaining and had some good nuggets of information and a synthesis of some good habits to adopt to shift the gears of your personality towards being more emotionally stable, more agreeable, more open to experience, etc. But overall I don't know that I'd go out of my way to recommend this book if you already have a baseline understanding of the Big 5.
October 12, 2025
As someone who has done the 3 AM Google search « how do you change your entire personality, » I was drawn to this. It isn’t groundbreaking, but it’s well written/ hilarious and includes some really interesting research and comments on her own experiences/experiments.
Read
August 30, 2025Interesting listen.
April 24, 2025
As someone who loves nonfiction written by journalists, Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change by Olga Khazan hit all the right notes for me. Thank you to Simon Element for the #gifted finished copy—I flew through this one in two days.
Olga Khazan blends science, storytelling, and her own personal journey in a way that’s both insightful and incredibly relatable. The book follows her year-long experiment to change her own personality, using research-backed methods to see if she could go from “dwelling in dread” to something closer to “radiating joy.” What I loved most is how it reads like a memoir infused with science—Khazan is skeptical, honest, and genuinely funny.
At under 300 pages, it’s a short, quick read that still manages to pack in a ton of fascinating research and takeaways. It gave me some great perspective and things to think about, especially around the idea that our personality traits don’t have to be fixed. This one is perfect for fans of Quiet or Atomic Habits, and anyone who's ever wondered if it's possible to shift your internal narrative in a meaningful way.
Olga Khazan blends science, storytelling, and her own personal journey in a way that’s both insightful and incredibly relatable. The book follows her year-long experiment to change her own personality, using research-backed methods to see if she could go from “dwelling in dread” to something closer to “radiating joy.” What I loved most is how it reads like a memoir infused with science—Khazan is skeptical, honest, and genuinely funny.
At under 300 pages, it’s a short, quick read that still manages to pack in a ton of fascinating research and takeaways. It gave me some great perspective and things to think about, especially around the idea that our personality traits don’t have to be fixed. This one is perfect for fans of Quiet or Atomic Habits, and anyone who's ever wondered if it's possible to shift your internal narrative in a meaningful way.
August 23, 2025
This was an interesting premise and relayed as part self-help, part memoir. Something about the author (listened to the audiobook, she narrated) just irked me a little. I just got the sense that she wasn't quite genuine in her attempt to change, since the book was riddled with her calling ideas lame or stupid, being reluctant or unwilling to actually give it her all, making excuses, then claiming that they actually helped because she was scoring better on a personality test. It was a quick listen tho and had some good thoughts on personality as a whole.
2.5 stars
2.5 stars
October 9, 2024
ARC as a bookseller :) // when outstanding journalists write books my heart leaps! when the books are funny, honest, and smart, my heart sings! when i get to daydream about working for the atlantic and being assigned a life-changing story, my heart grows three sizes!
November 28, 2024
My first ARC! I enjoyed learning a lot from experts about the science of personality, and the author was very vulnerable throughout. Not my typical read or style (hense 3 stars)but had some great info
April 5, 2025
*Thank you to NetGalley and the publishing team for providing early access to this title in exchange for an honest review* Please keep in mind direct quotes below are subject to change as the book has not been published yet.
As someone that suffers from chronic anxiety, I was drawn to this book. However, I would estimate I don't have the same personality characteristics that the author also has. I am also borderline extroverted and open. Yet, I do want to be a better version of me. As Khazan so brazenly put it "Only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from those things."
I would not call this a self help book, although Khazan does provide a vehicle to change through using primarily personal examples. I would still pick this up, even if you're personality is *perfect* (aka you're American, a man, a gentile, or some combination of the three, as the author puts it), because it is absolutely hysterical. I also felt myself feeling more empathy for those that have an increased amounts of anxiety (neuroticism) and perfectionism, including myself. Will be adding Olga's backlist to my TBR. Next up: Weird.
As someone that suffers from chronic anxiety, I was drawn to this book. However, I would estimate I don't have the same personality characteristics that the author also has. I am also borderline extroverted and open. Yet, I do want to be a better version of me. As Khazan so brazenly put it "Only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from those things."
I would not call this a self help book, although Khazan does provide a vehicle to change through using primarily personal examples. I would still pick this up, even if you're personality is *perfect* (aka you're American, a man, a gentile, or some combination of the three, as the author puts it), because it is absolutely hysterical. I also felt myself feeling more empathy for those that have an increased amounts of anxiety (neuroticism) and perfectionism, including myself. Will be adding Olga's backlist to my TBR. Next up: Weird.
February 6, 2026
I put this book on to read me to sleep and woke up to it being done.
It was more of an auto-biography than a self-help and, maybe because I'm not into the biography/auto-biography genre so if that's you're thing then maybe you'll dig this one, but I was just bored out of my mind reading this one.
It was more of an auto-biography than a self-help and, maybe because I'm not into the biography/auto-biography genre so if that's you're thing then maybe you'll dig this one, but I was just bored out of my mind reading this one.
February 19, 2026
Really liked it, very authentic and self aware writer. One of those books where if you listened to a podcast interview with the writer, you got all the main points already. But reading the book helped hammer home the ideas and concepts 🙂
Read
March 26, 2025A writer embarks on a challenge to see if it’s possible to change one’s personality. It turns out it is possible, but you have to do the work. 🫤
February 3, 2026
DNF. Agree with other DNF reviews and 1 stars.
August 25, 2025
Wow, terrific!!!
February 11, 2026
Really fun read :)
March 19, 2025
I really like this book. The author's own journey is interesting, but far more interesting are the allusions and references to outside sources that provide other insights and to how and to what extent and in what ways we can change our basic personalities. If you are open to or looking for ways to change aspects of yourself, this book might be the springboard you want to start that process.
May 7, 2025
Olga Khazan did it again. This was such a great book, and I binged it in about a day. Olga is a writer for The Atlantic, and I loved her first book. In this one, she wanted to research personality change, and she decided to put herself through an experiment to see if she could change her own personality. She discusses the history of personality research, and then dives into the “big 5” personality traits.
In the book, she documents her journey of trying to raise her score with each of the big 5 personality traits: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. She goes to pretty interesting lengths as well, including joining an improv group. She’s also extremely open and vulnerable in this book, discussing her relationship and and other personal stories.
This topic has interested me for a while because I got sober in 2012, and I’m a completely different person than I was. Still, I hear people debate about whether or not you can change your personality when I and so many others are living proof.
Olga does a great job discussing the benefits of personality change and how it can make your life better, so I highly recommend checking this book out.
In the book, she documents her journey of trying to raise her score with each of the big 5 personality traits: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. She goes to pretty interesting lengths as well, including joining an improv group. She’s also extremely open and vulnerable in this book, discussing her relationship and and other personal stories.
This topic has interested me for a while because I got sober in 2012, and I’m a completely different person than I was. Still, I hear people debate about whether or not you can change your personality when I and so many others are living proof.
Olga does a great job discussing the benefits of personality change and how it can make your life better, so I highly recommend checking this book out.
September 14, 2024
A fascinating exploration of personality change and the fairly practical steps people can take to (temporarily?!) modify their preferences and behaviors.
I was intrigued to find out how one might go about increasing their extroversion, conscientiousness, agreeableness, openness (and decreasing their neuroticism). The author has an accessible writing style and uses her own experience and those of others to illustrate each personality trait and things you can try in order to change that aspect of your personality, if you would like to.
Recommended to my fellow introverts and anyone interested in reading about human connection and behavior.
Thank you very much to Simon Element and NetGalley for the opportunity to read a copy.
I was intrigued to find out how one might go about increasing their extroversion, conscientiousness, agreeableness, openness (and decreasing their neuroticism). The author has an accessible writing style and uses her own experience and those of others to illustrate each personality trait and things you can try in order to change that aspect of your personality, if you would like to.
Recommended to my fellow introverts and anyone interested in reading about human connection and behavior.
Thank you very much to Simon Element and NetGalley for the opportunity to read a copy.
July 20, 2025
Read all the one star ratings first. Nothing to add that hasn’t already been written in all of them. Glad I borrowed this and not bought it.
February 20, 2025
Are we stuck with the personalities we already have, or is there something we can do to change? Can we think or act ourselves into a new way of being, creating an improved way to see ourselves or a different way to be perceived by others? Olga Khazan's new book, Me, But Better addresses this issue with curiosity, enthusiasm, and intelligence. More than a self-help volume, this book describes a reporter's search for helpful information and published research, and then chronicles that same writer's effort to put theories to the test and see what happens.
The author walks us through her examination of five specific character traits which comprise an individual personality: extroversion, neuroticism, openness to experience, agreeableness, and conscientiousness. Using herself as the test subject, she compares the results of a diagnostic inventory of these traits in herself with the results achieved after employing a number of exercises and disciplines to improve her scores in each of the five areas.
The initial draw of this particular title was the author herself, a writer I am familiar with through her work with The Atlantic. Her Atlantic articles are always thoughtful and informative, while consistently a joy to read. It's no surprise to share that this book can be described in a similar fashion. For me, the most delightful aspect of Olga Khazan's book is Khazan. In spite of her perceived need for a positive change in specific areas, the author's personality practically glows on every page, even prior to any transformation achieved through research or improvement projects. This is partly due to her wit and finely-honed sense of humor. There are funny observations and humorous comments sprinkled throughout the book, and at least one laugh out loud moment in nearly every chapter. Khazan's journey to becoming a better version of herself is one she takes seriously, but there is never a hint of her losing the ability to laugh at herself and the absurd situations she creates while on that journey.
One can get a good sense of Khazan's humor in this amusing anecdote that occurred while she was attempting to meet new people and make a new friend:
"Once, I went on a sweltering four-hour trek during which I was sucked into a long conversation with a woman who kept wildly misunderstanding everything I said. “What’s your last name?” she asked. “Khazan,” I said. In English, I pronounce it with a silent “K,” like huh-zahn. “Oh, that’s not how I say it,” she said. “What?”“I say hoh-zah,” she said, as though we were talking about “jif” versus “gif.”“I mean, I guess people can say it however they want,” I said. “Oh, you do not know how to say it?” she asked. “Um, no, I mean I do know . . . it’s . . . my name,” I said as politely as possible. I didn’t think these were the seeds of bosom friendship."
I enjoyed the conversations between Khazan and the researchers, authors, and experts she interviewed who had created studies or programs to quantify, explain, and/or adjust the traits that make up an individual human's personality. Her mix of enthusiasm and skepticism was helpful to me in evaluating the effectiveness of these. I especially appreciated her willingness to try out these improvement exercises for herself, even when she struggled to do so with a good attitude.
There was much in this book that gave me encouragement in my assessment of my own personality "growth areas," and am looking forward to beginning an effort to carefully incorporate several of her suggestions for modifying my own traits in a way that will help me modify my own life. I highly recommend this book.
The author walks us through her examination of five specific character traits which comprise an individual personality: extroversion, neuroticism, openness to experience, agreeableness, and conscientiousness. Using herself as the test subject, she compares the results of a diagnostic inventory of these traits in herself with the results achieved after employing a number of exercises and disciplines to improve her scores in each of the five areas.
The initial draw of this particular title was the author herself, a writer I am familiar with through her work with The Atlantic. Her Atlantic articles are always thoughtful and informative, while consistently a joy to read. It's no surprise to share that this book can be described in a similar fashion. For me, the most delightful aspect of Olga Khazan's book is Khazan. In spite of her perceived need for a positive change in specific areas, the author's personality practically glows on every page, even prior to any transformation achieved through research or improvement projects. This is partly due to her wit and finely-honed sense of humor. There are funny observations and humorous comments sprinkled throughout the book, and at least one laugh out loud moment in nearly every chapter. Khazan's journey to becoming a better version of herself is one she takes seriously, but there is never a hint of her losing the ability to laugh at herself and the absurd situations she creates while on that journey.
One can get a good sense of Khazan's humor in this amusing anecdote that occurred while she was attempting to meet new people and make a new friend:
"Once, I went on a sweltering four-hour trek during which I was sucked into a long conversation with a woman who kept wildly misunderstanding everything I said. “What’s your last name?” she asked. “Khazan,” I said. In English, I pronounce it with a silent “K,” like huh-zahn. “Oh, that’s not how I say it,” she said. “What?”“I say hoh-zah,” she said, as though we were talking about “jif” versus “gif.”“I mean, I guess people can say it however they want,” I said. “Oh, you do not know how to say it?” she asked. “Um, no, I mean I do know . . . it’s . . . my name,” I said as politely as possible. I didn’t think these were the seeds of bosom friendship."
I enjoyed the conversations between Khazan and the researchers, authors, and experts she interviewed who had created studies or programs to quantify, explain, and/or adjust the traits that make up an individual human's personality. Her mix of enthusiasm and skepticism was helpful to me in evaluating the effectiveness of these. I especially appreciated her willingness to try out these improvement exercises for herself, even when she struggled to do so with a good attitude.
There was much in this book that gave me encouragement in my assessment of my own personality "growth areas," and am looking forward to beginning an effort to carefully incorporate several of her suggestions for modifying my own traits in a way that will help me modify my own life. I highly recommend this book.
October 26, 2025
Audiobook: 6 hours
This book is part research report, part memoir, part diary-ish confessional sharing of vulnerabilities.
I find it difficult to review this book because Olivia Khazan (“OK”) was so authentic and deeply honest about her flaws and deficits. I want to validate her bravery, and applaud her desire for personal growth.
Yet there were many times I nearly DNF this book…there’s a list of complaints I have about OK’s narration of this book, too, but I will abstain from writing that here. I don’t want to be hurtful. (I will suggest you read this on Kindle or paper - skip the audio book to avoid severe auditory angst).
OK uses the OCEAN acronym for personality research as the main structure for her book.
From AI:
« The acronym OCEAN stands for the five fundamental traits of the Big Five personality model: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.
These five traits represent a spectrum of human personality and are widely used in psychology to understand an individual's characteristics and behavior.
The five OCEAN personality traits
* Openness: The degree to which a person is imaginative, curious, and willing to try new experiences.
* Conscientiousness: The tendency to be organized, dependable, and disciplined.
* Extraversion: The measure of how much energy a person gets from social interaction, including being sociable, assertive, and outgoing.
* Agreeableness: The trait that reflects how cooperative, compassionate, and trusting a person is with others.
* Neuroticism: The tendency to experience negative emotions like anxiety, worry, and sadness. »
OK delves into each of these categories. Using personal and data research she assembled this book in a formulaic way.
As I’m writing this now I wonder if she used AI to do most of the OCEAN fleshing out - and just added some personal anecdotal data to make it less sterile? This could be quite possible and why I nearly DNF it.
My favorite part of the book was in Chapter 6 - on making and keeping friends. See below.
Tidbits:
Ok is a secular interfaith Jew. This is not a big part of her life, but I found it relevant because I’m an interfaith Jew, too. I wish she discussed her spiritual life more.
Useful Personality test available at
www.PersonalityAccessor.com
🌈Ch 6 - very helpful on becoming more agreeable.
« Friendship maintenance » and how to make friends
Bumble Bff app
Read Bellows on Friendship
Ch 7 - consciousness -
« time boxing » for better organization
4:55 - Dana on blog « A Slob Comes Clean » re how to declutter
Voluntary Simplicity
Ch 8 @5:20
ACT = action and commitment therapy, developed by Steven Hayes , read A LIBERATED MIND.
« I hurt because I care. » says Hayes. De-stigmatizes anxiety.
“Accept my negative feelings
Commit to my values
Take Action”
ACT ideology includes
SWEET SAD HEROES STORIES
Ch 8
We have multiple authenticities.
Ch 9
« Can I call you and freak out for a sec? » OK reduced this frequency
In her journey towards changing her personality.
OK made some progress with her OCEAN implementation experiment and this book documents her experience.
Again, I am struggling to even rate it either 2, 3 or 4 stars - parts of it were interesting, parts of it were sterile feeling (AI?) , parts of it were harsh, parts of it made me cringe with the awkward feeling that I’m foolishly thinking this super ambitious, self described narcissist could teach me anything useful. Yet I persevered.
I did learn a few useful things so it’s definitely good for 3 Stars.
This book is part research report, part memoir, part diary-ish confessional sharing of vulnerabilities.
I find it difficult to review this book because Olivia Khazan (“OK”) was so authentic and deeply honest about her flaws and deficits. I want to validate her bravery, and applaud her desire for personal growth.
Yet there were many times I nearly DNF this book…there’s a list of complaints I have about OK’s narration of this book, too, but I will abstain from writing that here. I don’t want to be hurtful. (I will suggest you read this on Kindle or paper - skip the audio book to avoid severe auditory angst).
OK uses the OCEAN acronym for personality research as the main structure for her book.
From AI:
« The acronym OCEAN stands for the five fundamental traits of the Big Five personality model: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.
These five traits represent a spectrum of human personality and are widely used in psychology to understand an individual's characteristics and behavior.
The five OCEAN personality traits
* Openness: The degree to which a person is imaginative, curious, and willing to try new experiences.
* Conscientiousness: The tendency to be organized, dependable, and disciplined.
* Extraversion: The measure of how much energy a person gets from social interaction, including being sociable, assertive, and outgoing.
* Agreeableness: The trait that reflects how cooperative, compassionate, and trusting a person is with others.
* Neuroticism: The tendency to experience negative emotions like anxiety, worry, and sadness. »
OK delves into each of these categories. Using personal and data research she assembled this book in a formulaic way.
As I’m writing this now I wonder if she used AI to do most of the OCEAN fleshing out - and just added some personal anecdotal data to make it less sterile? This could be quite possible and why I nearly DNF it.
My favorite part of the book was in Chapter 6 - on making and keeping friends. See below.
Tidbits:
Ok is a secular interfaith Jew. This is not a big part of her life, but I found it relevant because I’m an interfaith Jew, too. I wish she discussed her spiritual life more.
Useful Personality test available at
www.PersonalityAccessor.com
🌈Ch 6 - very helpful on becoming more agreeable.
« Friendship maintenance » and how to make friends
Bumble Bff app
Read Bellows on Friendship
Ch 7 - consciousness -
« time boxing » for better organization
4:55 - Dana on blog « A Slob Comes Clean » re how to declutter
Voluntary Simplicity
Ch 8 @5:20
ACT = action and commitment therapy, developed by Steven Hayes , read A LIBERATED MIND.
« I hurt because I care. » says Hayes. De-stigmatizes anxiety.
“Accept my negative feelings
Commit to my values
Take Action”
ACT ideology includes
SWEET SAD HEROES STORIES
Ch 8
We have multiple authenticities.
Ch 9
« Can I call you and freak out for a sec? » OK reduced this frequency
In her journey towards changing her personality.
OK made some progress with her OCEAN implementation experiment and this book documents her experience.
Again, I am struggling to even rate it either 2, 3 or 4 stars - parts of it were interesting, parts of it were sterile feeling (AI?) , parts of it were harsh, parts of it made me cringe with the awkward feeling that I’m foolishly thinking this super ambitious, self described narcissist could teach me anything useful. Yet I persevered.
I did learn a few useful things so it’s definitely good for 3 Stars.
May 8, 2025
[DNF] I tried listening to the audiobook, but found her voice so incredibly dull it was distracting. It also added to the vibe of "I'm too cool and smart for any of this bullshit" that the book gives off. Four chapters in and her attitude never improved. I finally stopped it immediately after she describes an anecdote from Dan Harris where he starts crying during a loving kindness meditation of his two year old niece and her reaction at the time was, "What a pussy."
The whole thing is the standard Eat, Pray, Love format, where the author brings us along on all the activities on their quest for betterment. But it's also in that genre of "Self Help for People Who Hate Self Help." Her cynicism throughout reeks of trying to hedge her bets and play both sides of the coin - "I couldn't believe how stupid these people were. But I signed up to do it anyway. [blah blah blah] It was kind of ok." Like the most important thing is for her to maintain an air of coolness so she doesn't spill over into some sort of hippy dippy meditator or - GOD FORBID - a dreaded extrovert!! (lol jk extroverts are like totally stupid). It was also borderline intolerable to handle her bouginess - there were near constant remarks about wine bars and lame basement bars and "young professionals." I understand that there is probably some sort of point at the end where she's suddenly like, "All of these things were worth it to get marginally happier." But who's got the patience to get through it?
Her biggest character trait that she's trying to improve is her neuroticism. I think until I read this I thought I was neurotic, but I guess my understanding of that word isn't the same as hers, because she honestly seems like a barely functioning person. She strikes me as one of those people who actually love being neurotic and anxiety-riddled because it makes them feel better and smarter than everyone else. Again it could be the flat affect in her reading voice, but she didn't seem to actually get anything out of any of these activities. Based on her tone of voice and disdainful way she talks about almost every single person and activity (she even complains about the people who attended a party that SHE THREW), I can't imagine that if I read on to the end that there would be some sort of big reveal where she's suddenly a nice good person. In the end I was just left feeling like I was reading some Medium article written by an insufferable bougie millennial who was willing to throw everything and everyone under the bus to write this book.
The whole thing is the standard Eat, Pray, Love format, where the author brings us along on all the activities on their quest for betterment. But it's also in that genre of "Self Help for People Who Hate Self Help." Her cynicism throughout reeks of trying to hedge her bets and play both sides of the coin - "I couldn't believe how stupid these people were. But I signed up to do it anyway. [blah blah blah] It was kind of ok." Like the most important thing is for her to maintain an air of coolness so she doesn't spill over into some sort of hippy dippy meditator or - GOD FORBID - a dreaded extrovert!! (lol jk extroverts are like totally stupid). It was also borderline intolerable to handle her bouginess - there were near constant remarks about wine bars and lame basement bars and "young professionals." I understand that there is probably some sort of point at the end where she's suddenly like, "All of these things were worth it to get marginally happier." But who's got the patience to get through it?
Her biggest character trait that she's trying to improve is her neuroticism. I think until I read this I thought I was neurotic, but I guess my understanding of that word isn't the same as hers, because she honestly seems like a barely functioning person. She strikes me as one of those people who actually love being neurotic and anxiety-riddled because it makes them feel better and smarter than everyone else. Again it could be the flat affect in her reading voice, but she didn't seem to actually get anything out of any of these activities. Based on her tone of voice and disdainful way she talks about almost every single person and activity (she even complains about the people who attended a party that SHE THREW), I can't imagine that if I read on to the end that there would be some sort of big reveal where she's suddenly a nice good person. In the end I was just left feeling like I was reading some Medium article written by an insufferable bougie millennial who was willing to throw everything and everyone under the bus to write this book.
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