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224 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 22, 2025
I should have stayed in London at all costs, I told myself, and I kept on running in the direction of the Inner City, without knowing why, and I told myself that London had always brought me happiness and Vienna unhappiness, and I went on running, running, running, as though now, in the eighties, I was once more running away from the fifties, running into the eighties, the dangerous, benighted, mindless eighties, and again it struck me that instead of going to this tasteless artistic dinner I ought to have read my Gogol or my Pascal or my Montaigne, and as I ran it seemed to me that I was running away from the Auersberger nightmare, and with ever greater energy I ran away from the Auersberger nightmare and toward the Inner City, and as I ran I reflected that the city through which I was running, dreadful though I had always felt it to be and still felt it to be, was still the best city there was, that Vienna, which I found detestable and had always found detestable, was suddenly once again the best city in the world, my own city, my beloved Vienna, and that these people, whom I had always hated and still hated and would go on hating, were still the best people in the world: I hated them, yet found them somehow touching—I hated Vienna, yet found it somehow touching—I cursed these people, yet could not help loving them—I hated Vienna yet could not help loving it.
...this meditation being one where I was meant to think happy thoughts about someone who I thought needed them, she told me to send good wishes with my mind, happiness and love, toward whomever I wanted to be happy, to allow the first person I thought of into my mind and wish happiness and love for them, and so without even hesitating I thought of Rebecca, who I hardly ever thought about and hadn’t spoken to for so long, but who I always wished happiness and love for because no one else needed so much love and lacked so much happiness, and I pictured Rebecca’s big almond eyes, her dark hair, and thought I wish you love, I wish you happiness, I wish you love, I wish you happiness and I remember that after an unknown period of time wishing happiness and love the yoga teacher told me to open my eyes and I discovered that I was weeping, that tears were rolling down my face and I was weeping like a child, I wasn’t even thinking of Rebecca anymore, I was just weeping thinking the phrase happiness and love, and I was absolutely horrified to see this guru with a satisfied little smile on her face, sure that she had enlightened me, but something truly changed within me hoping for happiness for Rebecca, and of course I had wished for happiness for Rebecca in the past, but the practice of sitting and begging the so-called universe to give it to her allowed something to change in myself, allowed me to understand that happiness was something that you sought yourself, something that the people around you could wish for you, that you could meet people, meet friends, for whom your CV, your qualifications, your money were less important than your desire for happiness and love, and so I ran down the Bowery, unburdened by all of them, and I thought happiness and love about Eugene, who was probably at this moment throwing up all over the young artist, I thought happiness and love about Nicole, who was likely micromanaging the cleaners in the great room of the loft in order to feel less alone while the man of the house was preoccupied, I thought happiness and love about Alexander, who was likely, like I was, rushing home to write about the evening in order to make sense of it all, and I wished them all a painless sleep, I wished for their removal from my life, and I wished a painful bout of syphilis for Eugene, I wished a catastrophic opening for Nicole, I wished for another tepidly reviewed book for Alexander, but I wished them all happiness and love.