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Briefly Perfectly Human: Making an Authentic Life by Getting Real About the End
THE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
‘Joyful, hilarious, effervescent, brilliant and deeply wise’ Glennon Doyle, on Alua Arthur
Thinking deeply about your death – whether it’s imminent or not – will breathe wild new potential into your life.
Warm, generous and funny, Alua Arthur is a death doula supporting people at the end of the world. What emerges in these tender moments is the unfi nished business of life, when enduring regrets, secret loves and simple pleasures are uttered aloud, in resignation or delight.
Weaving together these vivid experiences along with her own personal life path full of wonder, Briefly Perfectly Human is a soul-gathering memoir. Alua’s intimate storytelling, compassion and wisdom are a beacon of comfort to us all as well as a tour de force appeal to cherish every part of who we are, including our own mortality.
‘Hold that truth in your mind,’ Alua says, ‘and wondrous things will begin to grow around it.’
‘Joyful, hilarious, effervescent, brilliant and deeply wise’ Glennon Doyle, on Alua Arthur
Thinking deeply about your death – whether it’s imminent or not – will breathe wild new potential into your life.
Warm, generous and funny, Alua Arthur is a death doula supporting people at the end of the world. What emerges in these tender moments is the unfi nished business of life, when enduring regrets, secret loves and simple pleasures are uttered aloud, in resignation or delight.
Weaving together these vivid experiences along with her own personal life path full of wonder, Briefly Perfectly Human is a soul-gathering memoir. Alua’s intimate storytelling, compassion and wisdom are a beacon of comfort to us all as well as a tour de force appeal to cherish every part of who we are, including our own mortality.
‘Hold that truth in your mind,’ Alua says, ‘and wondrous things will begin to grow around it.’
246 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 16, 2024
801 people are currently reading
14483 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 733 reviews
May 1, 2024
I found this to be just another boring memoir. As a student training to be an end-of-life doula, I was hoping this would have more helpful tips/experiences. I would have liked more about the end of life processes I stead of her life experiences, travels, depression, etc. It's fine, but it's not what it was marketed to be.
April 27, 2024
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
This book has ten stars, not five.
This book is authentic, raw, honest, courageous, enlightening, sacrid, challenging, refreshing, and humbling. I am so grateful that it exists.
This book has ten stars, not five.
This book is authentic, raw, honest, courageous, enlightening, sacrid, challenging, refreshing, and humbling. I am so grateful that it exists.
November 10, 2024
I liked this book! Really appreciated Alua Athur’s honesty about her relationship “failures” and successes and her career pivot. Also thought she did a nice job reflecting honestly about death and dying in a way that was both appropriately somber while still maintaining her cheery disposition. Her incorporation of body positivity and messages about encountering racism and other multicultural issues added a nice tough to the memoir. While I thought the flow and organization of Briefly Perfectly Human was a bit chaotic and not as tightly structured as it could have been, this also seemed to align with Arthur’s vibe which I respect. Four stars.
May 7, 2024
I'm definitely in a minority for not particularly liking this book. It was more of a memoir or biography than specifics on dying and death.
October 2, 2023
This book came at the perfect time in my life. I lost a friend (my age) last week, and I'm starting to contemplate mortality. Alua Arthur weaves her memoirs with the stories of her work as a death doula. Her writing is also beautiful, bringing the reader into the moment wherever she is. And that's the thing about death... our whole lives are just a series of moments. The book really comforted me in a time of sadness. I also hadn't realized that Alua is the sister of Bozoma St. John, who wrote a memoir of her husband's cancer and subsequent death (The Urgent Life). I read that book as well and was very moved by it. Highly recommended.
August 26, 2025
There was so much I really enjoyed about this memoir. The author is a death doula, which, if you're unfamiliar, is someone who helps assist the living and the dying make that hard, but inevitable transition. Those needs can be emotional, spiritual, physical, financial, logistical -- everyone's life is different and thus their needs as they approach death will be different.
The author combines her own story of finding her calling as a death doula after years of being miserable working as a lawyer with sample cases of her clients (all seem to be kind of characters modeled after real people so as to protect their identities). The structure is quite intelligent; she weaves lessons from her own life with struggles of the people she worked for in a seamless way that made the book flow beautifully.
In fact, much of the book is beautiful. It's filled with wisdom and meaning. I absolutely lost it during the chapter in which Arthur discusses her brother-in-law, whose devastating passing partly inspired her to pursue this line of work, and I found myself thinking about life, death, and legacy throughout the whole reading experience.
There were moments, however, during which I found myself at odds with the author's perspective, her recklessness in her own life, and, sadly, the somewhat preachy tone that would creep up at times. I couldn't understand why she believed that taking mushrooms in a friend's empty apartment in the midst of a crippling depression was a good idea, but also how she finds the habit of people saying that an old person "lived a full life" is ageist and insulting. Having the ability to count is ageist? Feeling that the death of a young person is inherently sadder because of the loss of the years they might have had, versus an elderly person who is fighting the natural age limit of the human body? Both are sad, without a doubt, but they are different. If it's ageist to acknowledge that, I guess I'm ageist. It was hard to fully invest in the book as much as I wanted to because I felt like I was randomly getting scolded in the middle of touching stories.
The author combines her own story of finding her calling as a death doula after years of being miserable working as a lawyer with sample cases of her clients (all seem to be kind of characters modeled after real people so as to protect their identities). The structure is quite intelligent; she weaves lessons from her own life with struggles of the people she worked for in a seamless way that made the book flow beautifully.
In fact, much of the book is beautiful. It's filled with wisdom and meaning. I absolutely lost it during the chapter in which Arthur discusses her brother-in-law, whose devastating passing partly inspired her to pursue this line of work, and I found myself thinking about life, death, and legacy throughout the whole reading experience.
There were moments, however, during which I found myself at odds with the author's perspective, her recklessness in her own life, and, sadly, the somewhat preachy tone that would creep up at times. I couldn't understand why she believed that taking mushrooms in a friend's empty apartment in the midst of a crippling depression was a good idea, but also how she finds the habit of people saying that an old person "lived a full life" is ageist and insulting. Having the ability to count is ageist? Feeling that the death of a young person is inherently sadder because of the loss of the years they might have had, versus an elderly person who is fighting the natural age limit of the human body? Both are sad, without a doubt, but they are different. If it's ageist to acknowledge that, I guess I'm ageist. It was hard to fully invest in the book as much as I wanted to because I felt like I was randomly getting scolded in the middle of touching stories.
June 17, 2024
2.5 ⭐️
Unfortunately not what I thought it would be / how it seemed to be marketed. I felt this was more of a personal memoir about the author’s life, her deep depression, the loss and experiences she went through that lead to her new career / path (death doula). I picked this up as I was more curious about the death doula work, and had hoped for more stories about that.
Unfortunately not what I thought it would be / how it seemed to be marketed. I felt this was more of a personal memoir about the author’s life, her deep depression, the loss and experiences she went through that lead to her new career / path (death doula). I picked this up as I was more curious about the death doula work, and had hoped for more stories about that.
September 1, 2025
3.5 rounded down
While this does contain interesting stories about who the author interacted with as a "death doula", there was more about the author's own life than I expected when I started the book. While it was all interesting, the focus was not exactly what I was expecting. That said, it does cover a topic many find pretty difficult to talk about, and that seems apropos when I and so many friends and family members are reaching the age when the number of days we have left are uncertain. This is a topic many find exceedingly difficult to think about, much less talk about openly and actively plan for.
I confess to not knowing death doulas existed, much less what role they might play for those facing the end of life. I suppose we know them by different names...clergy, hospice, doctors and nurses. To know there are people who's mission it is to comfort and carry out personal wishes when one knows one's days are now limited, and who can facilitate conversations and "getting things in order" is comforting to those who are left behind as well as the one leaving this earth.
I would have preferred more focus on this aspect throughout the book, rather than so much devoted to the author's own struggles, but, that struggle seems to have been a significant part of her own journey in finding this work in the end, so I give her credit for that, and for sharing her own pain along the way. If you're dealing with dying friends or relatives, or facing significant illness yourself, this might bring into focus some of the things we tend to keep at bay, which could be a good or bad thing, depending on your readiness to look straight at the end of life, and maybe coming to terms with it.
While this does contain interesting stories about who the author interacted with as a "death doula", there was more about the author's own life than I expected when I started the book. While it was all interesting, the focus was not exactly what I was expecting. That said, it does cover a topic many find pretty difficult to talk about, and that seems apropos when I and so many friends and family members are reaching the age when the number of days we have left are uncertain. This is a topic many find exceedingly difficult to think about, much less talk about openly and actively plan for.
I confess to not knowing death doulas existed, much less what role they might play for those facing the end of life. I suppose we know them by different names...clergy, hospice, doctors and nurses. To know there are people who's mission it is to comfort and carry out personal wishes when one knows one's days are now limited, and who can facilitate conversations and "getting things in order" is comforting to those who are left behind as well as the one leaving this earth.
I would have preferred more focus on this aspect throughout the book, rather than so much devoted to the author's own struggles, but, that struggle seems to have been a significant part of her own journey in finding this work in the end, so I give her credit for that, and for sharing her own pain along the way. If you're dealing with dying friends or relatives, or facing significant illness yourself, this might bring into focus some of the things we tend to keep at bay, which could be a good or bad thing, depending on your readiness to look straight at the end of life, and maybe coming to terms with it.
June 12, 2024
I had such high hopes for this book. The parts about being a death doula and helping people through the process of dying were what drew me to the book. These parts were quite excellent, especially her understanding of ALS. Unfortunately, these gems were few and far between. It is definitely more of a memoir about Alua's wild adventurous life which is connected to and overshadowed by her deep depression. Her overall message of "live life to the fullest because we're all gonna die" seemed to be what she has tried to do. But did it work for her? I sincerely hope she has found her calling. Her writing skills are good as well as her insight into her own life and the process of dying. But the messages, both internal and external, are all over the place.
April 10, 2024
WOW. Just wow. I don’t have the words to describe the way this book changed me. I find that every once in a while a book comes along and changes your whole being and for me, that was briefly perfectly human. I’ve always carried a lot of anxiety around death and unease and the way Alua speaks to death in this book has showed me that there is no reason to be afraid. That much like life death is a mystery waiting for us to solve it. Hands down my favorite book of this year and possibly my favorite book ever. So much love to Alua & NetGalley for allowing me to read this as an ARC! 🤍
June 21, 2024
This book was written by a self-proclaimed death doula. It is really an autobiography or a partial self-story by a strong woman, an immigrant family from Africa, over-achiever, claims to be strong, but spents much of her life wondering about herself and wandering around the world. She claims to be happy with herself and helps people who want information about death. So many people are afraid of death and she claims she is not afraid of much, yet discloses that she has been very depressed for a long time and can not seem to get help or get to the place where she can take help. I got the book because I want to know more about being a death doula - one who helps people understand and accept death, since all of us will experience death; we will all die and many of us have friends and relatives who have died. Helping someone through this experience is hard work and it seems that she just earns money from some but becomes friends with others.
There is not much to this book. I am a death doula. I do not help people kill themselves; I support them in understanding that death happens to all creatures and help them decide things like who will manage their estate after their death - yes, I know you may say, "But I do not have anything to decide about." Yes, you do - someone has to tell Social Security and your retirement fund that you are gone and to stop the checks. Someone has to pay the final bills for your cremation or the organist at your funeral service. Hospice is for medical reasons - to tell your family that you need a hospital bed and to order it for you; or to clarify the doctor's directions. A death doula listens to you muse and question your decisions and help you sort out who you want as your health advocate. For example, I had a long conversation today with a neighbor. I am not disclosing anything that I would not tell the world. She has no computer, does not want one and will never read this. Several days or weeks ago she signed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) for her husband who has been in the hospital or residential care for several months. She was very upset about it and I do not know if a nurse or doctor insisted she sign it. I listened. Since that day, he has died in front of her three times. That is, he dropped his chin down and did not breathe or sat in the chair and slumped over. All three times, she has run out into the hallway and screamed for the nurse. They always come running and bring him back to breathing or blinking his eyes. He does not know where he is and often is incoherent. I realized that she was giving the nurses mixed messages. Let him die (DNR) or come when I scream. She did not ask me to be her death doula - she just wants a friend. I told her what I was seeing with her actions and she understood and now she realizes that she wants him alive. So she is going to withdraw the DNR. A death doula is someone who is not afraid of death and can talk with others about the situation, whatever it is.
This is an interesting book about a very smart black woman in our white world who is not afraid of much and was willing to discuss her depression and what she does to help others. It is really about her. Easy to read. I will not recommend it to any of my book clubs.
There is not much to this book. I am a death doula. I do not help people kill themselves; I support them in understanding that death happens to all creatures and help them decide things like who will manage their estate after their death - yes, I know you may say, "But I do not have anything to decide about." Yes, you do - someone has to tell Social Security and your retirement fund that you are gone and to stop the checks. Someone has to pay the final bills for your cremation or the organist at your funeral service. Hospice is for medical reasons - to tell your family that you need a hospital bed and to order it for you; or to clarify the doctor's directions. A death doula listens to you muse and question your decisions and help you sort out who you want as your health advocate. For example, I had a long conversation today with a neighbor. I am not disclosing anything that I would not tell the world. She has no computer, does not want one and will never read this. Several days or weeks ago she signed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) for her husband who has been in the hospital or residential care for several months. She was very upset about it and I do not know if a nurse or doctor insisted she sign it. I listened. Since that day, he has died in front of her three times. That is, he dropped his chin down and did not breathe or sat in the chair and slumped over. All three times, she has run out into the hallway and screamed for the nurse. They always come running and bring him back to breathing or blinking his eyes. He does not know where he is and often is incoherent. I realized that she was giving the nurses mixed messages. Let him die (DNR) or come when I scream. She did not ask me to be her death doula - she just wants a friend. I told her what I was seeing with her actions and she understood and now she realizes that she wants him alive. So she is going to withdraw the DNR. A death doula is someone who is not afraid of death and can talk with others about the situation, whatever it is.
This is an interesting book about a very smart black woman in our white world who is not afraid of much and was willing to discuss her depression and what she does to help others. It is really about her. Easy to read. I will not recommend it to any of my book clubs.
June 9, 2024
The 5-star gems sprinkled through the second half of the book account for this upgraded rating, but getting there is the problem. It meant wading through a large volume of dramatic and highly emotional content about the author’s love, career, and racial history, which was, for me at least, a major distraction from what I wanted to know - mainly, a description of her cases and the methods employed by a death doula.
July 17, 2024
I feel compelled to write a review because this book is a complete bait & switch. The overview implies that this will be a weaving between the authors personal life and insights into what we all face at the end of our lives. In truth, it is mainly her autobiography with some “getting real about the end” sprinkled in. If the autobiography pieces were interesting or provided some new knowledge or insights, I wouldn’t mind. However, this book is about 80% the author venting about all things she hates about America & people of certain races and about 20% relating to end of life. Even that 20% is clouded with personal judgements she makes of her patients again based off her frustrations with certain groups of people. Of course there is nothing wrong with a book about the 80% I mention above if that’s her prerogative, but I’m not a fan of it being marketed as something else. In this season of my life, I only have so much time for reading and select my books carefully outside of what might be selected in the few book clubs I’m in. This book was a waste of that precious time. In a nutshell: this is not a book about understanding and preparing more for what we may face at end of life.. this is a politically fueled book about the authors personal experiences and frustrations with the country she lives in and the ignorance and discrimination she feels it holds. Totally different book than what is implied.
June 24, 2024
Don’t die with a freezer full of bananas. Make the banana bread. Scream into the pillow. Take a nap. Eat the cake. Forgive yourself. Buy the shoes. Apologize to the people you’ve hurt. Watch the birds make a nest. Tell your truth. Tell the ones you love that you love them. Fuck. A lot. And make love. Quit the job. Or take the job. Whatever it is that you know you must do to reconcile your life with your death. Do it. Do it today. And don’t stop until you get enough.
November 4, 2023
"Briefly Perfectly Human" is a transformative memoir that challenges societal perceptions of death and reframes its significance in our lives. Alua Arthur, a prominent figure in the realm of death doula practice, uses her profound experiences and insight to provide a compassionate, thought-provoking perspective on the end of life.
As the founder of "Going with Grace," Arthur's life's work is centered on infusing grace and compassion into the inevitable cycle of life's end. Her multifaceted background as a death doula, attorney, and educator has equipped her with the tools and empathy needed to guide individuals through the intricate process of preparing for the end of life.
Through resounding storytelling and a passionate plea for embracing compassionate end-of-life care, Arthur invites readers to confront our mortality. She encourages what she terms "death embrace," advocating for candid discussions and careful planning that not only eases the burden on loved ones but also unlocks profound insights and personal growth for the person facing the end of life.
The book is not just a memoir but a narrative that weaves together the threads of Arthur's own encounters with death and transformation. Drawing from her personal experiences, including fleeing a violent coup in Ghana, battling severe depression, and supporting a loved one through terminal illness, she illuminates the power of acknowledging our mortality.
Arthur doesn't shy away from the stark realities; instead, she guides readers through the process of sitting with death, allowing it to become a catalyst for self-reflection and personal growth. She delves into the nuances of the dying process, illuminating how our bodies convey stories of our lives and the profound transformation they undergo in the final chapters. With grace and wisdom, Arthur navigates the intricacies of envisioning our own end of life, inviting readers to reflect on our desires and hopes for our final moments. By sharing her aspirations and reflections, she inspires contemplation and introspection, challenging readers to consider the significance and impact of our own mortality.
"Briefly Perfectly Human" is an invitation to embrace the profound inevitability of death and harness it as a force for self-discovery and growth. Alua Arthur's eloquent and tender prose guides readers through the complex emotional landscape of mortality, urging us to confront our own stories, fears, and hopes regarding the ultimate end.
This book is not just about death; it's about life—how we live, how we love, and how we honor the essence of our existence. Thank you to the author and publisher for the e-arc copy!
Rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 (5/5 stars)
#BrieflyPerfectlyHuman #AluaArthur #DeathDoula #MortalityReflection #BookReview #LifeReflection
As the founder of "Going with Grace," Arthur's life's work is centered on infusing grace and compassion into the inevitable cycle of life's end. Her multifaceted background as a death doula, attorney, and educator has equipped her with the tools and empathy needed to guide individuals through the intricate process of preparing for the end of life.
Through resounding storytelling and a passionate plea for embracing compassionate end-of-life care, Arthur invites readers to confront our mortality. She encourages what she terms "death embrace," advocating for candid discussions and careful planning that not only eases the burden on loved ones but also unlocks profound insights and personal growth for the person facing the end of life.
The book is not just a memoir but a narrative that weaves together the threads of Arthur's own encounters with death and transformation. Drawing from her personal experiences, including fleeing a violent coup in Ghana, battling severe depression, and supporting a loved one through terminal illness, she illuminates the power of acknowledging our mortality.
Arthur doesn't shy away from the stark realities; instead, she guides readers through the process of sitting with death, allowing it to become a catalyst for self-reflection and personal growth. She delves into the nuances of the dying process, illuminating how our bodies convey stories of our lives and the profound transformation they undergo in the final chapters. With grace and wisdom, Arthur navigates the intricacies of envisioning our own end of life, inviting readers to reflect on our desires and hopes for our final moments. By sharing her aspirations and reflections, she inspires contemplation and introspection, challenging readers to consider the significance and impact of our own mortality.
"Briefly Perfectly Human" is an invitation to embrace the profound inevitability of death and harness it as a force for self-discovery and growth. Alua Arthur's eloquent and tender prose guides readers through the complex emotional landscape of mortality, urging us to confront our own stories, fears, and hopes regarding the ultimate end.
This book is not just about death; it's about life—how we live, how we love, and how we honor the essence of our existence. Thank you to the author and publisher for the e-arc copy!
Rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 (5/5 stars)
#BrieflyPerfectlyHuman #AluaArthur #DeathDoula #MortalityReflection #BookReview #LifeReflection
November 28, 2023
"Briefly Perfectly Human" by Alua Arthur is a poignant exploration of the human experience in the face of mortality. Arthur, a death doula, weaves together personal anecdotes and professional insights to create a compassionate and thought-provoking narrative. The book challenges societal taboos surrounding death and invites readers to confront their own mortality with grace and understanding.
Arthur's prose is both eloquent and accessible, making complex topics approachable for a wide audience. She skillfully navigates the emotional landscape of loss, offering a refreshing perspective on the inevitable journey we all share. The book encourages introspection, prompting readers to contemplate the meaning of a life well-lived and the significance of embracing our impermanence.
As a guide to navigating the difficult conversations and decisions surrounding death, "Briefly Perfectly Human" is a valuable resource. Arthur's empathy shines through every page, creating a space for readers to find solace and empowerment in the face of life's most profound certainty. This book is a timely and necessary contribution to the literature on death and dying, offering wisdom and compassion for anyone on the journey of being perfectly, briefly human.
Arthur's prose is both eloquent and accessible, making complex topics approachable for a wide audience. She skillfully navigates the emotional landscape of loss, offering a refreshing perspective on the inevitable journey we all share. The book encourages introspection, prompting readers to contemplate the meaning of a life well-lived and the significance of embracing our impermanence.
As a guide to navigating the difficult conversations and decisions surrounding death, "Briefly Perfectly Human" is a valuable resource. Arthur's empathy shines through every page, creating a space for readers to find solace and empowerment in the face of life's most profound certainty. This book is a timely and necessary contribution to the literature on death and dying, offering wisdom and compassion for anyone on the journey of being perfectly, briefly human.
December 18, 2024
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️💫
Thank you, #Partner @bibliolifestyle @marinerbooks for the #gifted copy of BRIEFLY PERFECTLY HUMAN by Alua Arthur.
Death is something we all have to consider, whether it’s our own or bear witness to. Entering another phase of an ever-evolving grief journey, it was hard to read at times, thinking about things I wish I’d considered regarding end-of-life affairs. This isn’t a criticism but a reminder to myself, and to anyone that picks this up regardless of what stage of grief they’re in, to have compassion for yourself.
Arthur is a wonderful storyteller. Writing about her personal journey along with her experiences as a death doula with clients provides a gentler pathway into a difficult topic. Just being aware of the situations and questions that arise is helpful and this book is a good place to start.
Thank you, #Partner @bibliolifestyle @marinerbooks for the #gifted copy of BRIEFLY PERFECTLY HUMAN by Alua Arthur.
Death is something we all have to consider, whether it’s our own or bear witness to. Entering another phase of an ever-evolving grief journey, it was hard to read at times, thinking about things I wish I’d considered regarding end-of-life affairs. This isn’t a criticism but a reminder to myself, and to anyone that picks this up regardless of what stage of grief they’re in, to have compassion for yourself.
Arthur is a wonderful storyteller. Writing about her personal journey along with her experiences as a death doula with clients provides a gentler pathway into a difficult topic. Just being aware of the situations and questions that arise is helpful and this book is a good place to start.
April 27, 2024
Decent writing, overemphasis on only moderately interesting autobio, less on death & near death
August 30, 2025
“Life is now. It’s right here. This is it. The past is just a series of memories coded in the hippocampus. Tomorrow, forever a day away, is a myth and an illusion of our brain’s insistence on linear time. THIS moment is the only one that exists. In the very next moment, you could also be gone, a memory in someone else’s hippocampus.”
Have you ever read something and it was EXACTLY what you needed to read at EXACTLY that moment in your life?
That’s what this book was for me. I can’t properly put into words what this book has done for me and my depression, however, I CAN say that, yes, this is a book very much about death…but it is mainly a book about life. Living life fully and loudly and taking up space and doing everything you can because we are never promised tomorrow. Most importantly, it has made me realize that I need to die the same way I live and make sure that my wishes are fulfilled in my death.
Read this book. Cry. Read it again. It’s raw. It’s honest. It’s open. It’s flawed. It’s absolutely beautiful.
Have you ever read something and it was EXACTLY what you needed to read at EXACTLY that moment in your life?
That’s what this book was for me. I can’t properly put into words what this book has done for me and my depression, however, I CAN say that, yes, this is a book very much about death…but it is mainly a book about life. Living life fully and loudly and taking up space and doing everything you can because we are never promised tomorrow. Most importantly, it has made me realize that I need to die the same way I live and make sure that my wishes are fulfilled in my death.
Read this book. Cry. Read it again. It’s raw. It’s honest. It’s open. It’s flawed. It’s absolutely beautiful.
June 11, 2024
This book is a gift.
Alua Arthur is direct, honest, and incredibly compelling. She weaves together her personal memoir with her understanding of and experiences with death work, and it is beautifully done. Most chapters follow the pattern of first sharing an episode in her life, then sharing an experience with a client in her work as a death doula, and then collapsing the two experiences in such a way as to show how the lessons she learned through exploring death answered questions or moments in her life from sometimes decades earlier. This is a really clever device, because not only does it keep us interested, moving back and forth between her life story and glimpses into the work of a deathcare-giver, but it erases the line between living and dying. The way she has chosen to structure the book itself shows that the divider between the acts of living and dying is more a porous membrane than a wall. Because of this the lessons from looking at death directly can be directly connected to living more meaningful lives in the present.
The other benefit of this structure is that she never feels like she is preachy or overly prescriptive. She weaves advice earned by sitting in death’s presence with her own sense of style and humor, not afraid to be honest regarding her personal struggles. Her voice and character come through in spades, which makes the advice feel so much more robust and lived in.
I have training in hospice care, and have done a lot of the work she talks about, in theory and practice. Also, I have been an ordained Tibetan Buddhist monk for more than 12 years, and confronting death is a primary meditative and spiritual practice, in my life and in the teachings I offer others. So, there wasn’t really any new information, so to speak, for me in this book; I have been living with death as a practice for understanding life for a long time. And yet I was still transfixed by every page and filled with not just respect but also admiration for her and her work. Even those who have experience in caring for the dying will find inspiration and joy in this book, which means it is even more invaluable for those without that experience or training. For those who are afraid of death, and maybe more importantly for those who maybe don’t know quite what it means to be alive, there is a lot that sparkles in this book that you can take into your everyday life.
I want to thank the author, the publisher Mariner Books, and NetGalley, who provided a complimentary eARC for review. I am leaving this review voluntarily.
Alua Arthur is direct, honest, and incredibly compelling. She weaves together her personal memoir with her understanding of and experiences with death work, and it is beautifully done. Most chapters follow the pattern of first sharing an episode in her life, then sharing an experience with a client in her work as a death doula, and then collapsing the two experiences in such a way as to show how the lessons she learned through exploring death answered questions or moments in her life from sometimes decades earlier. This is a really clever device, because not only does it keep us interested, moving back and forth between her life story and glimpses into the work of a deathcare-giver, but it erases the line between living and dying. The way she has chosen to structure the book itself shows that the divider between the acts of living and dying is more a porous membrane than a wall. Because of this the lessons from looking at death directly can be directly connected to living more meaningful lives in the present.
The other benefit of this structure is that she never feels like she is preachy or overly prescriptive. She weaves advice earned by sitting in death’s presence with her own sense of style and humor, not afraid to be honest regarding her personal struggles. Her voice and character come through in spades, which makes the advice feel so much more robust and lived in.
I have training in hospice care, and have done a lot of the work she talks about, in theory and practice. Also, I have been an ordained Tibetan Buddhist monk for more than 12 years, and confronting death is a primary meditative and spiritual practice, in my life and in the teachings I offer others. So, there wasn’t really any new information, so to speak, for me in this book; I have been living with death as a practice for understanding life for a long time. And yet I was still transfixed by every page and filled with not just respect but also admiration for her and her work. Even those who have experience in caring for the dying will find inspiration and joy in this book, which means it is even more invaluable for those without that experience or training. For those who are afraid of death, and maybe more importantly for those who maybe don’t know quite what it means to be alive, there is a lot that sparkles in this book that you can take into your everyday life.
I want to thank the author, the publisher Mariner Books, and NetGalley, who provided a complimentary eARC for review. I am leaving this review voluntarily.
November 15, 2024
As a hospice nurse myself, I don't believe this book contributes any new insight to death or the dying process. This was a memoir. And not everyone needs to write a memoir. This is simply about the arrogant author's life. This is about being a death doula, which I think is completely unnecessary after reading this book. You refuse to help with a living will. You can't keep boundaries for a dying woman who only wants 6 people in attendance, but hey! You can make sure they've got nail polish on their way out! This book was one long humble brag from one rude lady who claims love. I've met many racists in my life, and I've managed to provide care for them because it's my job, and I recognize it's not about me. Instead, she decided to call a man with a bowel obstruction "full of shit" bc it was probably fun to get her digs and imagine his family's faces if they read her book. My own daddy died of a bowel perforation that leaked into his gut and made him septic. This happened 7 weeks ago. So imagine my face when I'm reading a book thinking it's going to comfort me or give me some insight, and instead it's an insult to someone she cared for, that mirrors what my own dad went through. I can't believe this book has as many stars as it does. This book is not about death. It is not about dying. It is about someone's identity crisis and the journey into being an unfortunate extra for many people's last moments. She can't commit to anything, including people, so I'd say a job where she doesn't have to be with someone long is probably the best fit for her. The timeline of her book is all over the place, and at one point she gets depressed and inserts herself into her friends house and just screws around all day. No mention of guilt of taking advantage of the friend. I imagine she doesn't see past her own nose often. I don't usually write long reviews but this was the worst book I've read in a long time.
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April 26, 2024***I DO NOT RATE NON FICTION, BUT THIS IS FIVE STARS***
"Grief is also the fertile soil from which we can be renewed."
Prior to reading this book I have never heard of a death doula, but wow, what a profession. Alua Arthur is a death doula and this book is her experience as one, experiences that lead her to become one, and so far. I was enraptured with this. Arthur shares unique stories, life perspective, and wisdom nuggets about grief and our views on death in the west. This book will force you to take a look at death and flip the script on your thoughts. The author's goal is not to change your mind on how to feel about death, but wants you to know there is not a monolithic way to die. One of the best parts of this book is when the author talks about the death of particular figures in our lives. Whether someone was the villain in our story may be the hero in someone else's. I love the author's perspective on forgiveness when it comes to death. I cannot recommend this book enough.
"The death of someone does not require we forgive them. If it doesn't serve us as long as we are at peace with our decision ."
"I do know that people who hurt us eventually die and sometimes the grief you feel is convoluted when you loved them despite their worst parts."
"It is okay to mourn people and all their complexity to honor their light acknowledge their darkness, to accept the message despite the messenger. The very worst of us will probably be missed by someone when they're gone."
"Grief is also the fertile soil from which we can be renewed."
Prior to reading this book I have never heard of a death doula, but wow, what a profession. Alua Arthur is a death doula and this book is her experience as one, experiences that lead her to become one, and so far. I was enraptured with this. Arthur shares unique stories, life perspective, and wisdom nuggets about grief and our views on death in the west. This book will force you to take a look at death and flip the script on your thoughts. The author's goal is not to change your mind on how to feel about death, but wants you to know there is not a monolithic way to die. One of the best parts of this book is when the author talks about the death of particular figures in our lives. Whether someone was the villain in our story may be the hero in someone else's. I love the author's perspective on forgiveness when it comes to death. I cannot recommend this book enough.
"The death of someone does not require we forgive them. If it doesn't serve us as long as we are at peace with our decision ."
"I do know that people who hurt us eventually die and sometimes the grief you feel is convoluted when you loved them despite their worst parts."
"It is okay to mourn people and all their complexity to honor their light acknowledge their darkness, to accept the message despite the messenger. The very worst of us will probably be missed by someone when they're gone."
June 22, 2024
I don't think any review I could write would do justice to this marvelous book. This is going to be one I end up recommending to absolutely everyone I know, regardless of age or circumstances. But as someone newly middle-aged and grappling with my own mortality, this was the perfect book at the perfect time. I already want to read it again.
April 22, 2024
Makes you reflect on life's beauty through the sacredness of its end. I found it fascinating how, as a death doula, Arthur sees dying as a sort of birth--into what, she (and none of us) know, but something that seems to bring her more peace than fear.
November 5, 2024
So many deep and meaningful conversations were created while reading this memoir. It took me longer to read than usual because I would be compelled to stop and contemplate.
May 6, 2024
Heartbreaking and healing all at the same time. What a gift of a book!
December 17, 2024
I'm really ending 2024 with some exceptional books.
January 15, 2025
Beautiful! Alua Arthur masterfully weaves her transformative story of becoming a death doula, with fascinating stories from those who she has cared for. It’s a book that is both thought-provoking and deeply comforting. Highly recommend.
January 26, 2025
As close as one can get to the inevitable journey we all will travel; death. Compassionate and educational. My hope-my transition is peaceful, swift, and painless.
May 5, 2024
This book made me feel so much. I want everyone I know to read it.
I also kind of want to be a death doula now?
I also kind of want to be a death doula now?
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