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The Harder I Fight the More I Love You: A Memoir
An unforgettable portrait of an extraordinary life—one forged through a poverty-stricken childhood in “slummy, one-horse towns”; obsessive desire; bursts of comedy; and indispensable friendships, reflecting on the way art, music, and a deep connection to nature helped her on a singular journey to become a beloved, Grammy-nominated artist.
Neko Case has long been revered as one of music’s most influential artists, whose authenticity, lyrical storytelling, and sly wit have endeared her to a legion of critics, musicians, and lifelong fans. In The Harder I Fight, the More I Love You, Case brings her trademark candor and precision to a memoir that traces her evolution from an invisible girl “raised by two dogs and a space heater” in rural Washington state to her improbable emergence as an internationally-acclaimed talent. In luminous, sharp-edged prose, Case shows readers what it’s like to be left alone for hours and hours as a child, to take refuge in the woods around her home, and to channel the monotony and loneliness and joy that comes from music, camaraderie, and shared experience into art.
The Harder I Fight, the More I Love You is a rebellious meditation on identity and corruption, and a manifesto on how to make space for ourselves in this world, despite the obstacles we face.
Neko Case has long been revered as one of music’s most influential artists, whose authenticity, lyrical storytelling, and sly wit have endeared her to a legion of critics, musicians, and lifelong fans. In The Harder I Fight, the More I Love You, Case brings her trademark candor and precision to a memoir that traces her evolution from an invisible girl “raised by two dogs and a space heater” in rural Washington state to her improbable emergence as an internationally-acclaimed talent. In luminous, sharp-edged prose, Case shows readers what it’s like to be left alone for hours and hours as a child, to take refuge in the woods around her home, and to channel the monotony and loneliness and joy that comes from music, camaraderie, and shared experience into art.
The Harder I Fight, the More I Love You is a rebellious meditation on identity and corruption, and a manifesto on how to make space for ourselves in this world, despite the obstacles we face.
276 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 28, 2025
596 people are currently reading
30776 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 920 reviews
January 5, 2025
No, YOU'RE crying
February 16, 2025
This is going to sound callous, and I suppose it is, but I am really tired of reading memoirs that are based on and are centered on childhood trauma. Now I admit that Case's traumas are awful and unique to the author. However, living in the dystopia that is currently the US, I think I need more optimistic books. Sure, everyone has hardship and challenges, and yes, tell me about those. But I'm feeling a level of constant social and political trauma as it is, and it's been heightened by the current regime (yes, regime, not administration). I'm sorry for all she's had to endure, but I would've been far happier to read her book if it was more about her thoughts on the nature of squirrels. (Sorry, I know I'm being flippant, no disrespect to what she's overcome - it's me, not you, not her.)
Obviously, I was in the wrong headspace to read this book. I'm sure it's better than how I'm describing it tonight. I'm glad for those who found the book inspiring or otherwise uplifting. I was clearly not one of them. I might've been more invested in the author if I'd known who she was before starting the book. I have never heard her music, and I have to say that I have no interest in listening to it based on this book.
Obviously, I was in the wrong headspace to read this book. I'm sure it's better than how I'm describing it tonight. I'm glad for those who found the book inspiring or otherwise uplifting. I was clearly not one of them. I might've been more invested in the author if I'd known who she was before starting the book. I have never heard her music, and I have to say that I have no interest in listening to it based on this book.
October 23, 2024
Thanks to the publisher for an advance copy and thanks to the author for writing a beautiful and heart-breaking memoir.
Got this in the mail yesterday and devoured it. I read a lot of rock / songwriter autobiographies and this is definitely not a typical memoir in the genre. There are a couple of great passages about life on the road and singing in front of twenty-two people and she does mention some of the great relationships she's had with bandmates and other collaborators. But if you're looking for a typical arc of "started here and got there as a musician" story this isn't it. Not a lot of how her amazing songs were created, recorded, where the stories behind them come from, etc. And mercifully, it's not too weighted with details from the latter half of her life (looking at you Bono and Grohl).
What this book _is_ is a great memoir of being a kid of trauma and a broken family in the 70s and 80s. I'm almost the same age as Ms. Case so her description of childhood in those eras resonated deeply with me. This is a book about _her_ and what shaped her as a person and how she survived. And what a survivor. The closest "personal instead of professional musician memoir" that I would compare it to is the book by Mark Oliver Everett (the dude from The Eels). Don't get me wrong, I love a great book telling me the rise to prominence of a rock star, but these personal ones seem so much more. I do appreciate her finally getting to tell her side of the infamous "getting banned from the Opry" story...
If you've listened to even one of Ms. Case's songs, you also won't be surprised that she's a great wordsmith. The prose (and almost poetry) is so refreshing here. Maybe it's because I just came off a terrible book that read like a Reader's Digest Condensed Book, but her passages just grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Like John Darnielle (the dude from The Mountain Goats), I hope she will write some fiction some day. I'd read that.
One thing that I found interesting (surprising?) and maybe refreshing was that a musician from Washington State had almost no mention of the Seattle music scene of the late 80s and early 90s. Maybe because she was younger than most of that stuff, maybe because of her loner and feral (a wonderful word she uses a lot to describe herself) personality, maybe she just didn't want to have to shoe-horn in the required "Kurt story" to her book.
I also love the choice for the cover - it's a picture she describes in the book and it's a picture that perfectly captures the essence of the book.
I feel bad that most people will have to wait for this one - but trust me, it will be worth it...
Got this in the mail yesterday and devoured it. I read a lot of rock / songwriter autobiographies and this is definitely not a typical memoir in the genre. There are a couple of great passages about life on the road and singing in front of twenty-two people and she does mention some of the great relationships she's had with bandmates and other collaborators. But if you're looking for a typical arc of "started here and got there as a musician" story this isn't it. Not a lot of how her amazing songs were created, recorded, where the stories behind them come from, etc. And mercifully, it's not too weighted with details from the latter half of her life (looking at you Bono and Grohl).
What this book _is_ is a great memoir of being a kid of trauma and a broken family in the 70s and 80s. I'm almost the same age as Ms. Case so her description of childhood in those eras resonated deeply with me. This is a book about _her_ and what shaped her as a person and how she survived. And what a survivor. The closest "personal instead of professional musician memoir" that I would compare it to is the book by Mark Oliver Everett (the dude from The Eels). Don't get me wrong, I love a great book telling me the rise to prominence of a rock star, but these personal ones seem so much more. I do appreciate her finally getting to tell her side of the infamous "getting banned from the Opry" story...
If you've listened to even one of Ms. Case's songs, you also won't be surprised that she's a great wordsmith. The prose (and almost poetry) is so refreshing here. Maybe it's because I just came off a terrible book that read like a Reader's Digest Condensed Book, but her passages just grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Like John Darnielle (the dude from The Mountain Goats), I hope she will write some fiction some day. I'd read that.
One thing that I found interesting (surprising?) and maybe refreshing was that a musician from Washington State had almost no mention of the Seattle music scene of the late 80s and early 90s. Maybe because she was younger than most of that stuff, maybe because of her loner and feral (a wonderful word she uses a lot to describe herself) personality, maybe she just didn't want to have to shoe-horn in the required "Kurt story" to her book.
I also love the choice for the cover - it's a picture she describes in the book and it's a picture that perfectly captures the essence of the book.
I feel bad that most people will have to wait for this one - but trust me, it will be worth it...
February 3, 2025
I’ve been a Neko fan for decades now; so much so that I have a tattoo of one of her lyrics on me. She doesn’t do many interviews, or talk much about her life, which I respect, but it’s also one of the reasons I was so looking forward to reading this. Neko is such a beautifully eloquent songwriter and such a thoughtful, caring human being (that’s not a parasocial observation, but rather one gleaned by her tireless fight for good things in the world, which she’s never shy about) that I wanted to dig into what shaped her, and this book delivered.
What’s interesting is that, for all intents and purposes, the things she went through growing up could have formed an entirely different human; one that’s angry, closed-off, distrustful, and who hates the world. Instead, her experiences seem to have led to the exact opposite, which is pretty awe-inspiring. She IS angry, mind, but not at the world — more at the injustices that exist within it, as we all should be. We also get a glimpse into just how important nature and animals have been to her throughout her life, which lends even more of an insight into how she uses this imagery in her music, and just gives a deeper understanding of and appreciation for the artist she’s become.
I do have one qualm about something she says in this memoir, however. On page 160, she writes, “My voice is not pretty nor powerful, and despite the fact that I can breathe like a motherfucker and hold a looooooooong note, it may not be the note I want to sing.” Um, HOW DARE YOU? Neko’s voice is crystal clear, powerful as hell, and one of the most deeply affecting I’ve ever heard. Cut the BS, girl - you’re incredible.
What’s interesting is that, for all intents and purposes, the things she went through growing up could have formed an entirely different human; one that’s angry, closed-off, distrustful, and who hates the world. Instead, her experiences seem to have led to the exact opposite, which is pretty awe-inspiring. She IS angry, mind, but not at the world — more at the injustices that exist within it, as we all should be. We also get a glimpse into just how important nature and animals have been to her throughout her life, which lends even more of an insight into how she uses this imagery in her music, and just gives a deeper understanding of and appreciation for the artist she’s become.
I do have one qualm about something she says in this memoir, however. On page 160, she writes, “My voice is not pretty nor powerful, and despite the fact that I can breathe like a motherfucker and hold a looooooooong note, it may not be the note I want to sing.” Um, HOW DARE YOU? Neko’s voice is crystal clear, powerful as hell, and one of the most deeply affecting I’ve ever heard. Cut the BS, girl - you’re incredible.
February 16, 2025
I love Neko Case. I wanted to love her memoir. I didn't.
This book does what it says in the tin. She tells her life story, with a heavy focus on her childhood and teen years...and horses, surprisingly. She mentions her albums and talks about a handful of songs.
There's nothing wrong or bad about this book. There are delightful turns of phase. There's a darkly funny section about performing a gig.
I just... didn't love this book. I still love Neko Case.
This book does what it says in the tin. She tells her life story, with a heavy focus on her childhood and teen years...and horses, surprisingly. She mentions her albums and talks about a handful of songs.
There's nothing wrong or bad about this book. There are delightful turns of phase. There's a darkly funny section about performing a gig.
I just... didn't love this book. I still love Neko Case.
February 5, 2025
My favorite Neko Case song is “Star Witness,” and I love how Case’s memoir reflects so much of the mood and content of that song: dark storytelling, desire, love and loss, a detailed knowledge of vintage cars, and wolves (tender and otherwise) freely roaming. That same fairy-tale quality that shines in Case’s songwriting also shapes her life story, as she tells it in The Harder I Fight the More I Love You. Readers, be warned: It’s a heartbreaking story, from repeated emotional and literal abandonment by her parents when she was very young, to sexual violence she suffered as a teen, to a bumpy coming-of-age experience marked by significant mental-health struggles. And yet…there are sparks of joy in there, notably in her lifelong connection with animals, her relationship with her Gramma Mary Ann, her delight in her artistic and musical friends, and her immersion in the Sea-Tac area music scene in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Somehow, out of it all, emerged a singular artist whose songs hit like a tornado stirring through your soul.
I loved reading this vivid memoir by one of my favorite singer-songwriters. It’s full of remarkable insights about creativity, hard work, forgiveness, patience, and self-protection. It struck me that, in some respects, Case had a quintessential free-range, Gen-X growing up experience—left alone to fend for herself (and develop a vivid inner life!) for hours on end, from a very young age. Unfortunately, in her case, the neglect went well beyond the healthy benign kind. But by luck, or force of will, or some mix of the two, she not only survived her hard start in life, but transcended it, and grew up to be…well, a never-ending work in progress. Kind of like all of us.
For fellow fans, it might be helpful to know going in that the book focuses more on Case’s childhood and coming of age than it does on her music career. She covers her earlier life in specific episodes or scenes that remain luminous for her, but she treats her life as a touring and recording musician in a more impressionistic way. That was okay with me, as I was mainly interested in learning how Neko Case came to be the creative force that she is. It’s a fascinating story, told in an authentic and resonant way.
I loved reading this vivid memoir by one of my favorite singer-songwriters. It’s full of remarkable insights about creativity, hard work, forgiveness, patience, and self-protection. It struck me that, in some respects, Case had a quintessential free-range, Gen-X growing up experience—left alone to fend for herself (and develop a vivid inner life!) for hours on end, from a very young age. Unfortunately, in her case, the neglect went well beyond the healthy benign kind. But by luck, or force of will, or some mix of the two, she not only survived her hard start in life, but transcended it, and grew up to be…well, a never-ending work in progress. Kind of like all of us.
For fellow fans, it might be helpful to know going in that the book focuses more on Case’s childhood and coming of age than it does on her music career. She covers her earlier life in specific episodes or scenes that remain luminous for her, but she treats her life as a touring and recording musician in a more impressionistic way. That was okay with me, as I was mainly interested in learning how Neko Case came to be the creative force that she is. It’s a fascinating story, told in an authentic and resonant way.
Want to read
January 15, 2026I don't usually jump to reading celebrity memoirs, but so excited for this, since Neko Case wrote one of my favorite songs (Hold On, Hold On) and the synopsis looks great!
January 19, 2025
3.5 stars. Neko Case is such an icon, indie darling, and presence in my musical life (The New Pornographers was my first concert!). But I loved that her memoir was not really about her career in music - it focused much more on her childhood growing up in rural Washington, spending days and days alone and lonely as a kid, her fraught relationship with her neglectful parents who carried a heavy dose of trauma of their own, being a horse girl, and coming of age in Seattle's messy rock scene.
Unsurprisingly, given what a strong songwriter she is, Case's writing is strong, funny, and relatable. But I still left the book feeling a disconnect from her, feeling like I wouldn't remember a lot from this in a few months' time (and that, to me, is what moves something from 3 stars to 4 stars). She starts to creep into some deeper reflections on her own trauma, her parents' respective childhood traumas that they were saddled with for the rest of their lives, and her intergenerational family story right at the end – I feel that if she had really fleshed out these stories more, perhaps woven a deeper narrative and reflection on how these dynamics made her who she is today, I would have found the messages to be a lot stronger and more memorable.
Thank you to Libro.fm for the advanced listening copy!
Unsurprisingly, given what a strong songwriter she is, Case's writing is strong, funny, and relatable. But I still left the book feeling a disconnect from her, feeling like I wouldn't remember a lot from this in a few months' time (and that, to me, is what moves something from 3 stars to 4 stars). She starts to creep into some deeper reflections on her own trauma, her parents' respective childhood traumas that they were saddled with for the rest of their lives, and her intergenerational family story right at the end – I feel that if she had really fleshed out these stories more, perhaps woven a deeper narrative and reflection on how these dynamics made her who she is today, I would have found the messages to be a lot stronger and more memorable.
Thank you to Libro.fm for the advanced listening copy!
February 19, 2025
Actually really important to read this in your mid twenties when ur really depressed and poor and Neko Case is ur personal hero….. love her so much so so so much
June 24, 2025
Not really knowing much about the author, wasn't sure what to expect from this biography. Found it to be compelling, heart-breaking and inspiring all at once. Much of the book focuses on the author's childhood and how those experiences shaped how she approaches the world. She does address her journey as a musician but not how you might anticipate, the story is in there but it isn't overt.
Other musician bio's tend to give you the nitty-gritty details of how they achieved their success, that seemed to be missing from this one. What does come across is she worked hard and over-came a lot to get where she is and the achieving success details seem ancillary. It is a well-told story and fans of the author along with anyone curious about what the U.S. music scene was like pre-internet influence will likely appreciate it most.
Other musician bio's tend to give you the nitty-gritty details of how they achieved their success, that seemed to be missing from this one. What does come across is she worked hard and over-came a lot to get where she is and the achieving success details seem ancillary. It is a well-told story and fans of the author along with anyone curious about what the U.S. music scene was like pre-internet influence will likely appreciate it most.
October 23, 2025
ending with a defence of horse girls was so on brand and genuinely beautiful ❤️
January 14, 2026
As much as I love them, I am not a horse, obviously. I am a person who is not quite a woman, not quite a man. I am what life has made me. Someone who wishes to be gentle and is sometimes not. Someone with werewolf tufts, who sometimes turns inside out. Perhaps this is true for you too. A feeling of being a little bit strange, of having some fur and teeth, and shadows of the forest flickering across the back of your eyelids. If so, I wish you the exhalation of breath when your heart has synched with that of a horse, a friend, or another species, and that you can relax into a very real place where you are the animal you were thousands of years ago, before people tried to wipe away your instincts with religion and greed and jealousy and fear. I wish you freedom, and the knowledge of being part of the world's tenderness. And I hope whenever the chance comes, you will take it, and feel your heart beat along its true, original course - down the ever-changing river of you.
▴▴▴
i've been a casual fan of neko case for years, but this book made me appreciate her work so much more. i have deep admiration for her as a person and as a musician.
the book is rather front-loaded, much taking place in neko's feral, dirt-stained childhood of the 70s and 80s. her youth was marked by neglect and loneliness, moving from place to place with little emotional support from her parents. her main companions seem to have been her animals, whom she recalls with adoration.
as in many a memoir, there's much childhood trauma. but neko's traumas are quite unique to her specific childhood, and she takes care to unpack them in layers. she also examines the respective traumas that made both of her parents unable to parent her properly, the further intergenerational traumas of her grandfather, and her ukrainian family line whose genealogy has been largely lost.
in contrast to the lonely desperation of her childhood, i love the glimmers of goodness from this era of her life. she describes going wild with her cousins at the local fair and the demolition derby, and befriending a neighbor with a horse and training it for a show, and lots of other horse girl stuff, as well as the distant love of her grandparents.
so many childhood memories are evoked with clarity, but then the narration moves quickly through neko's 20s and 30s and beyond. i wanted more stories from the transformative time when she was learning (against all odds) to become a stable adult. i imagine there are very valid reasons for her to gloss over so much of her adulthood, but the memoir feels very uneven. there's also very little discussion of her music itself.
while she doesn't talk much about her own music, neko's adoration of music shines through the narrative. i loved the second-person chapter that highlights the unglamorous reality of being a touring musician. she talks about becoming a musician as being a soft rebellion against everything that encourages women to minimize themselves.
i also love that she ends the book on an inspirational note, touching on her desire to become a mystical psychopomp, guiding others through their fairytale journeys. she also talks about her love of horses, the straightforward respect and strength that girls will naturally admire. this is a really lovely and heartwarming memoir.
March 16, 2025
I recently read a wonderful essay by Francine Prose celebrating the “strange” in literature. She talks about how rare it is to encounter a distinct voice and goes on to explain “What I had in mind was a combination of qualities and virtues: books that seemed original, eccentric, unusual, brilliant.”* I thought of Prose’s definition this week when I listened to Neko Case’s memoir, “The Harder I Fight, the More I Love You.”
The child of two troubled teenagers, Case spent vast swathes of her childhood alone. Her complicated mother came in and out of her daughter’s life--I will leave it to the reader to encounter afresh one particularly bizarre disappearance--and her father was a solitary man unable to connect with his child. Somehow, young Neko managed to navigate those empty, lonely years, and essentially raise herself, developing coping skills along the way that helped her to survive but left her prickly, rebellious, and tender in her teens and early adulthood.
Case’s writing style like that of many creative autodidacts is truly exceptional. Although their sensibilities are different, I was reminded of the similarly distinctive writing of the poet Patricia Lockwood in her memoir "Priest Daddy." Like Lockwood, Case navigated an extremely challenging childhood but somehow emerged with a deeply rooted sense of self and a strong, singular voice. Case’s memoir is straight talking but linguistically evocative. You do not have to be a fan of Case’s recordings to appreciate her memoir, but for fans such as myself Case’s story further enriches our appreciation of her poetic, richly layered songs.
My thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for providing me with an advance copy of the audiobook read by the author.
* https://lithub.com/francine-prose-on-...
The child of two troubled teenagers, Case spent vast swathes of her childhood alone. Her complicated mother came in and out of her daughter’s life--I will leave it to the reader to encounter afresh one particularly bizarre disappearance--and her father was a solitary man unable to connect with his child. Somehow, young Neko managed to navigate those empty, lonely years, and essentially raise herself, developing coping skills along the way that helped her to survive but left her prickly, rebellious, and tender in her teens and early adulthood.
Case’s writing style like that of many creative autodidacts is truly exceptional. Although their sensibilities are different, I was reminded of the similarly distinctive writing of the poet Patricia Lockwood in her memoir "Priest Daddy." Like Lockwood, Case navigated an extremely challenging childhood but somehow emerged with a deeply rooted sense of self and a strong, singular voice. Case’s memoir is straight talking but linguistically evocative. You do not have to be a fan of Case’s recordings to appreciate her memoir, but for fans such as myself Case’s story further enriches our appreciation of her poetic, richly layered songs.
My thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for providing me with an advance copy of the audiobook read by the author.
* https://lithub.com/francine-prose-on-...
December 1, 2025
Lengthy review ahead!
I think this is maybe the first memoir i’ve read? At least outside of a school setting. It’s usually not my bag but i had to get in here because despite my general aversion to getting too attached to celebrities/social figures/etc, I admire Neko Case a lot. I’ve seen her twice in concert now and I think her songwriting is genius and her voice is beautiful and her way of carrying herself is inspiring.
This was a very beautiful book. It’s heavy and sad and loving and funny and comforting in equal measure. It provides a lot of insight into her lyrics as well, which is nice to reflect on since I find her music so deep and poetic. Her narrative voice is distinct and engaging.
I saw a few reviews on here that said she focused too much on her childhood trauma but I don’t think that’s true. I think it’s a very raw narrative about the ups and downs of her life that all enlighten one another as well as her worldview and the themes of humanity’s great ability for love and harm both, and the fact that we are also at the end of the day animals. Reading about the deep lows in her life made my heart ache with the echoes I saw of experiences of friends dear to me, and reading about the creative highs in her life made my heart swell with a desire to also make art forever, records spinning while I toil away on a project on the floor. I also think that the narrative of sexual trauma that runs through the lives of her and her family is written very genuinely and tactfully. It didn’t feel like a trauma dump, but a point of reference for her emphasis on the importance of loving one another and caring for each other, and of feminism and fighting back against bullshit, if that makes sense.
Something that has made me admire Neko Case more and more in the past year is my growing awareness of the genderfuckery she has going on. It was very moving for me to sit down with the book and see her musings on gender and not strictly being a man or woman, of being something of both or neither or just an animal. there was a passage about her feelings about growing up as kind of a genderless tomboy and then suddenly being hit with the junior high puberty nightmare of “oh god, i’m a girl and i’m supposed to do these things that girls do”. I think it’s beautiful that that’s exactly how I felt too, and she and I both emerged from the other side of that struggle in different ways, but both as proud people who don’t really wanna nail ourselves down under a strict gender label.
A final note is that I’m probably gonna skim through the book again soon and jot down a bunch of band names to listen to that she lists during her reflections on being a punk tacoma youth, lol. I’ve been itching for some new tunes, and this seems like a good place to draw some inspiration from.
If you’re one of my friends reading this review and you haven’t listened to Neko Case before, go listen to the song Star Witness.
I think this is maybe the first memoir i’ve read? At least outside of a school setting. It’s usually not my bag but i had to get in here because despite my general aversion to getting too attached to celebrities/social figures/etc, I admire Neko Case a lot. I’ve seen her twice in concert now and I think her songwriting is genius and her voice is beautiful and her way of carrying herself is inspiring.
This was a very beautiful book. It’s heavy and sad and loving and funny and comforting in equal measure. It provides a lot of insight into her lyrics as well, which is nice to reflect on since I find her music so deep and poetic. Her narrative voice is distinct and engaging.
I saw a few reviews on here that said she focused too much on her childhood trauma but I don’t think that’s true. I think it’s a very raw narrative about the ups and downs of her life that all enlighten one another as well as her worldview and the themes of humanity’s great ability for love and harm both, and the fact that we are also at the end of the day animals. Reading about the deep lows in her life made my heart ache with the echoes I saw of experiences of friends dear to me, and reading about the creative highs in her life made my heart swell with a desire to also make art forever, records spinning while I toil away on a project on the floor. I also think that the narrative of sexual trauma that runs through the lives of her and her family is written very genuinely and tactfully. It didn’t feel like a trauma dump, but a point of reference for her emphasis on the importance of loving one another and caring for each other, and of feminism and fighting back against bullshit, if that makes sense.
Something that has made me admire Neko Case more and more in the past year is my growing awareness of the genderfuckery she has going on. It was very moving for me to sit down with the book and see her musings on gender and not strictly being a man or woman, of being something of both or neither or just an animal. there was a passage about her feelings about growing up as kind of a genderless tomboy and then suddenly being hit with the junior high puberty nightmare of “oh god, i’m a girl and i’m supposed to do these things that girls do”. I think it’s beautiful that that’s exactly how I felt too, and she and I both emerged from the other side of that struggle in different ways, but both as proud people who don’t really wanna nail ourselves down under a strict gender label.
A final note is that I’m probably gonna skim through the book again soon and jot down a bunch of band names to listen to that she lists during her reflections on being a punk tacoma youth, lol. I’ve been itching for some new tunes, and this seems like a good place to draw some inspiration from.
If you’re one of my friends reading this review and you haven’t listened to Neko Case before, go listen to the song Star Witness.
April 11, 2025
There is a line in this memoir about a youth pastor looking “like a boiled hot dog in a turtleneck” & I will never forget this for as long as I live. Perfection.
March 14, 2025
Tearfully finished this book this morning. A winding and heartbreakingly beautiful tale of what it's like to be lost, unloved, and find the beauty in life regardless. As a woman and fellow slave to my imposter syndrome, desire to please, and manners we're all taught very very young, I found certain passages spoke to me deeply.
Some of my favourite lines:
"If you learn nothing from something horrible, you are human, and that doesn't make you soulless or cruel. Sometimes bad things are just senseless brutality that finds you. You do not deserve or ask for these things. They are not always teaching you a lesson."
"I was just a liquid nobody, dying to be fully formed, important, useful, interesting, funny."
"... a force pushing me to keep orienting myself toward the cinnamon scent of what was right and good for me."
"... I couldn't untangle the difference between "bragging" and simply wanting to exist in the world..." ... "I've met a lot of people who get confused about this, too, and most often they're women."
"It's as if the poison fountain that had given you all the power you have to fake your way to this moment wants it all back now! And with interest."
"The tools get sharper, and the horizon gets farther away. It's a beautiful human condundrum to be in."
"What a staggeringly beautiful world."
"I am what life has made me -- someone who wishes to be gentle and is sometimes not."
Some of my favourite lines:
"If you learn nothing from something horrible, you are human, and that doesn't make you soulless or cruel. Sometimes bad things are just senseless brutality that finds you. You do not deserve or ask for these things. They are not always teaching you a lesson."
"I was just a liquid nobody, dying to be fully formed, important, useful, interesting, funny."
"... a force pushing me to keep orienting myself toward the cinnamon scent of what was right and good for me."
"... I couldn't untangle the difference between "bragging" and simply wanting to exist in the world..." ... "I've met a lot of people who get confused about this, too, and most often they're women."
"It's as if the poison fountain that had given you all the power you have to fake your way to this moment wants it all back now! And with interest."
"The tools get sharper, and the horizon gets farther away. It's a beautiful human condundrum to be in."
"What a staggeringly beautiful world."
"I am what life has made me -- someone who wishes to be gentle and is sometimes not."
November 22, 2025
Oooh this was a good one. Not all musicians can translate their skill with lyrics into great prose, but Neko Case can. A few times it tiptoed near purple, but I forgave it because of the sheer number of times I rewound to repeat an insightful, perfectly crafted passage. She hasn't had an easy go of it, but she's a warrior and the evolution of her story was inspirational. 4.25 stars.
February 14, 2025
I think this memoir would have worked better if it hadn’t followed a chronological timeline. Maybe if it had been structured around themes, I would have liked it more. Neko Case has had an interesting life, her talent in and passion for music is lovely, and many of her life experiences were extremely emotionally challenging—but none of this is captured effectively enough in her words. The book feels too much like a list of minor and major events, starting in childhood then adolescence (almost half the book) and ending in adulthood. There are highlights throughout and I really like the last few chapters, but overall the way it is written is both too much and not enough.
March 13, 2025
Neko Case's memoir is cool as hell and so gently self-aware (except when she said she doesn't have a powerful voice because that is a. damn. lie.) An absolutely unexpected joy: hearing a person discuss their own gender in such an intimately relatable way. I'll be wending my way through her discography anew for a while to come. What a joy to listen to the author narrate it herself.
December 6, 2025
Neko Case has one of my favourite voices on the planet. Her music and that voice has been a part of my life for decades. I was highly anticipating this book, but it pains me to say I did not much care for it. No doubt it is well written, no doubt it is searingly honest and forthcoming, but where is the music in these pages? The very thing I wanted to hear about was almost a footnote. It is Neko’s book and she can write about whatever she pleases. But weirdly traumatic childhoods are not my thing, I had one, it sucked, I do not want to read about someone else’s. I want to read about creation and the power of music, and the ups and downs of a music career. I want to read about individual albums and minute details on these albums, albums that have meant so much to me. I get that one’s life is part of where the creation of the work comes from, and I am of course interested in that, but less so than the music itself. A great memoir manages to achieve a balance. I feel bad giving a low rating. It is not a bad book, just not the one I hoped for. Reading this will not affect my relationship with her music, but the shame of it is, it will not elevate that relationship, and I feel a great book does just that very thing.
February 14, 2025
I only heard of Neko Case after we moved to the Pacific Northwest.
February 4, 2025
Neko Case had a really rough version of the typical GenX upbringing. Not only left to fend for herself, out on her own, but with a host of other challenges - All of which it seems like she handled about as well as anyone could possibly do.
I wish there was a little more of a victory lap here though - She is so widely respected, but you'd be hard pressed to know that from this book. I get it - She's not vain. This is a great if sometimes harrowing read, with some good insights into the world of indie rock, living poor and for music of the 80s-00s that I remember well.
I wish there was a little more of a victory lap here though - She is so widely respected, but you'd be hard pressed to know that from this book. I get it - She's not vain. This is a great if sometimes harrowing read, with some good insights into the world of indie rock, living poor and for music of the 80s-00s that I remember well.
July 30, 2025
I can’t sit on here and shit on a memoir because that was that person’s real life… But I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you’re a niche fan of Neko Case, who I didn’t even realize was a musician until 30% of the way through this book
She is obsessed with horses and being like “by the way did you ever realize that men and women aren’t treated the same way in society” umm yes
She is obsessed with horses and being like “by the way did you ever realize that men and women aren’t treated the same way in society” umm yes
February 2, 2025
so wonderful! have been a fan of Neko Case for sometime, discovering her thru my mentor / art family / collaborator / the best letterpress printer & designer ever: Dirk Fowler. even lucky enough to have a letterpress poster my friend Brad Vetter made at Hatchshow Print. this was incredibly moving & listened to the audiobook (of course! narrated by Neko Case herself) but need it in print now too someday soon!
from the Prologue:
My job at that moment is to conjure a small dust devil of unreality around us, to pull it up out of a sticky, shiny carpet and flappy, beer-soaked speaker cones. I have to make it out of words and sounds and looks. Dirty glitter, memories, lust, desire, regret. I have to pretend I'm wise about love. I have to make the twenty-two people including the bartender and my bandmates think this is real, too. Despite my self-consciousness about the cheap, off-color concealer spackling the zits around my mouth, my filthy clingy clothes lodged in parts of my forever chubby midsection, my complete lack of style, I continue to play and try to make myself believe it. There's absolutely no reason on paper that I should feel brave enough to do this, but I can't help it.
"I can't help it" is a good stopgap answer to most questions about pursuing a creative life, the only one that makes sense when you don't have the time or wherewithal to explain it, or if you just don't think it's anyone else's business.
You can get to the "why" some other time.
Making music is a soft rebellion in a world that's always at your shoulder asking, "What makes you think you're so important that someone should listen to you?" It's a question that can get leveled at you in a hundred different ways, but its intent is always the same: to defeat you before you even try. I grew up believing I was nothing, and sometimes my own insignificance wracked me with pain. But luckily, somewhere down the line, I came to realize that if I'm nothing, and I have nothing, what is the real risk of putting myself out there? If I'm so forgettable, my humiliation will just be a short weather event. A needly little rain shower. I can live with that. There are way worse things to be remembered as.
There are no grounding, solid answers, just laughter. The nightly conjuring of the luminous dust devil is its own reward. The bonds with the other people involved are the greater reward, not that being "rewarded" is the goal.
Living the small rebellion against nothingness and corruption is what helps you exist at all in such a divided country where the patriotic "we" means rich white men.
from the Prologue:
My job at that moment is to conjure a small dust devil of unreality around us, to pull it up out of a sticky, shiny carpet and flappy, beer-soaked speaker cones. I have to make it out of words and sounds and looks. Dirty glitter, memories, lust, desire, regret. I have to pretend I'm wise about love. I have to make the twenty-two people including the bartender and my bandmates think this is real, too. Despite my self-consciousness about the cheap, off-color concealer spackling the zits around my mouth, my filthy clingy clothes lodged in parts of my forever chubby midsection, my complete lack of style, I continue to play and try to make myself believe it. There's absolutely no reason on paper that I should feel brave enough to do this, but I can't help it.
"I can't help it" is a good stopgap answer to most questions about pursuing a creative life, the only one that makes sense when you don't have the time or wherewithal to explain it, or if you just don't think it's anyone else's business.
You can get to the "why" some other time.
Making music is a soft rebellion in a world that's always at your shoulder asking, "What makes you think you're so important that someone should listen to you?" It's a question that can get leveled at you in a hundred different ways, but its intent is always the same: to defeat you before you even try. I grew up believing I was nothing, and sometimes my own insignificance wracked me with pain. But luckily, somewhere down the line, I came to realize that if I'm nothing, and I have nothing, what is the real risk of putting myself out there? If I'm so forgettable, my humiliation will just be a short weather event. A needly little rain shower. I can live with that. There are way worse things to be remembered as.
There are no grounding, solid answers, just laughter. The nightly conjuring of the luminous dust devil is its own reward. The bonds with the other people involved are the greater reward, not that being "rewarded" is the goal.
Living the small rebellion against nothingness and corruption is what helps you exist at all in such a divided country where the patriotic "we" means rich white men.
January 27, 2025
Singer Neko Case has a real way with words. Her soulful coming-of-age memoir details a childhood spent at odds; growing up under the specter of the Green River Killer and shuttled around at a regular clip, Case never feels at home in her surroundings, at school, in her body, in relationship with her alcoholic parents. Stuck within a resounding loneliness, Case escapes into her imagination as a child, and in her teenage years strikes out into the world like a newborn colt, unfettering herself from her neglectful parents and finally finding her stride and community in music. Tender and heartfelt.
January 25, 2025
4.5 stars
As an incoming fan of Neko Case, it was easy to build enthusiasm around this forthcoming memoir. The end result lived up to my high expectations.
Throughout this work, Case highlights the journey that led her not only to music but also to the understanding of humanity she possesses today. In her early life, her socioeconomic status and her parents' shortcomings made an indelible mark. Her mom? Well, she's an unforgettable character to say the least. In addition to coming to terms with her mother's personal traumas, Case explores the ways in which her mom's actions ultimately traumatized her, even while these moments were - in contemporary circumstances - often just bizarre or even seemingly overlooked by others. Most adult readers will be able to easily realize that it is somewhat miraculous that Case came out of even just that relationship with any level of functionality. It's particularly jarring to recognize some of the parallels between Case's experiences and her mother's and to understand the larger ties Case sees between them.
Though the connection between the author and her mother is a standout for me, the narrative remains compelling throughout. Incoming fans of this personality as well as those who are simply searching for a gritty but readable and engaging memoir will find a lot to admire here. I know I did.
*Special thanks to NetGalley and Hachette Audio for this alc, which I received in exchange for an honest review. The opinions expressed here are my own.
As an incoming fan of Neko Case, it was easy to build enthusiasm around this forthcoming memoir. The end result lived up to my high expectations.
Throughout this work, Case highlights the journey that led her not only to music but also to the understanding of humanity she possesses today. In her early life, her socioeconomic status and her parents' shortcomings made an indelible mark. Her mom? Well, she's an unforgettable character to say the least. In addition to coming to terms with her mother's personal traumas, Case explores the ways in which her mom's actions ultimately traumatized her, even while these moments were - in contemporary circumstances - often just bizarre or even seemingly overlooked by others. Most adult readers will be able to easily realize that it is somewhat miraculous that Case came out of even just that relationship with any level of functionality. It's particularly jarring to recognize some of the parallels between Case's experiences and her mother's and to understand the larger ties Case sees between them.
Though the connection between the author and her mother is a standout for me, the narrative remains compelling throughout. Incoming fans of this personality as well as those who are simply searching for a gritty but readable and engaging memoir will find a lot to admire here. I know I did.
*Special thanks to NetGalley and Hachette Audio for this alc, which I received in exchange for an honest review. The opinions expressed here are my own.
July 30, 2025
So I picked up this book and didn’t really know anything about the author but it had good reviews and I was sure I’d like it. I feel so guiltyyyyyy reviewing memoirs but I unfortunately didn’t connect to this at all. Neko Case seems cool and i have sympathy for all of the insane shit they had to go through, but I’m closing that book and may never think about it again.
February 28, 2025
Neko Case has long been my favorite singer and songwriter. Her album Fox Confessor Brings the Flood has been my go-to during the rough times in my life. This book felt like it was missing some pieces but like her music, the heart was there.
January 11, 2025
I should have already known this based on the cleverness of her music, but Nemo Case is very fucking funny and has a great sense of sentence structure and effective storytelling.
Read
November 15, 2025i am often wary of memoirs of those i admire. sometimes they ring hollow. sometimes i don't want light shone on the recesses of a life that i've conjured a narrative for through their art. often the writing just isn't what i'd hoped for [with a few exceptions. patti smith being the one the immediately comes to mind]. sometimes i wonder how much of what i'm reading is true, or embellished or neatly packaged as an after thought to explain something into a cool little box.
the harder i fight.... did not disappoint. i mean.... i could have guessed the writing would be lyrical and lovely - have you listened to any of neko's songs? i actually audio booked it, so it's nice to hear her inflections. you can tell what is choking her up, making her angry, making her sad.
i have loved neko since the first time i heard her voice [which she continually says sounds nasal, but i beg to differ]. i loved her when i saw her at bimbo's in SF in the 90s. i loved the NPR all songs considered live concert. i love that my child also loves her and that we saw her very recently together and that she played most of our favorites [set out running was the one we really hoped for, but was really the only one not delivered. we did garner a set list - that another fan lovingly grabbed for us, and it sits on kiddo's wall. a perfect souvenir].
i knew we were close in age. i knew we both loved thrifting. i knew [and know] that i can sing many a song of hers word for word in the shower, in my car, in my heard with no accompaniment. you inherently know her childhood was intense, she has a thing for folktales, and that she loves animals. [you only need to listen to a few songs to feel how deeply].
i did not know that no means no was favorite of hers or doa. i mean i knew she lived in canada, and should have just guessed this, but i did not. as she lists influences and musical crushes i was both nodding as in yes, i see that, hear that and of course, but also oh ! that's a lovely surprise !
i admire how she oscillates between the pain and rawness of events and her interpretation of how she's processed and continues to navigate life. her feminism feels like mine. as we are both children of the 70's and 80's of course it does, but still. she owns up to and tries to forgive the shitiness she's experienced and dished out. she's real about her own embarrassment and struggles, but also staunchly honest about her love for her grandma, the discovery of a female wrestling relative, how she didn't always make the best decisions or act as kindly as she wanted. the moments where she reveals where songs came from are few and far between but i loved them [i actually quietly sang wish i was the moon behind her telling where the song came from].
like all the artists i know - when we become passionate [obsessed] we go to the ends to learn what we need to. we don't always know where it will lead, but we find the right tools [tenor guitar], people [she lists so many bands/people] and means we figure it out. that inherent need/result and her creative process comes through in spades and full circle intellect is on display when she talks about horses.
neko's work has been the soundtrack to much of my life for decades. thanks for letting us know a bit more about you.
the harder i fight.... did not disappoint. i mean.... i could have guessed the writing would be lyrical and lovely - have you listened to any of neko's songs? i actually audio booked it, so it's nice to hear her inflections. you can tell what is choking her up, making her angry, making her sad.
i have loved neko since the first time i heard her voice [which she continually says sounds nasal, but i beg to differ]. i loved her when i saw her at bimbo's in SF in the 90s. i loved the NPR all songs considered live concert. i love that my child also loves her and that we saw her very recently together and that she played most of our favorites [set out running was the one we really hoped for, but was really the only one not delivered. we did garner a set list - that another fan lovingly grabbed for us, and it sits on kiddo's wall. a perfect souvenir].
i knew we were close in age. i knew we both loved thrifting. i knew [and know] that i can sing many a song of hers word for word in the shower, in my car, in my heard with no accompaniment. you inherently know her childhood was intense, she has a thing for folktales, and that she loves animals. [you only need to listen to a few songs to feel how deeply].
i did not know that no means no was favorite of hers or doa. i mean i knew she lived in canada, and should have just guessed this, but i did not. as she lists influences and musical crushes i was both nodding as in yes, i see that, hear that and of course, but also oh ! that's a lovely surprise !
i admire how she oscillates between the pain and rawness of events and her interpretation of how she's processed and continues to navigate life. her feminism feels like mine. as we are both children of the 70's and 80's of course it does, but still. she owns up to and tries to forgive the shitiness she's experienced and dished out. she's real about her own embarrassment and struggles, but also staunchly honest about her love for her grandma, the discovery of a female wrestling relative, how she didn't always make the best decisions or act as kindly as she wanted. the moments where she reveals where songs came from are few and far between but i loved them [i actually quietly sang wish i was the moon behind her telling where the song came from].
like all the artists i know - when we become passionate [obsessed] we go to the ends to learn what we need to. we don't always know where it will lead, but we find the right tools [tenor guitar], people [she lists so many bands/people] and means we figure it out. that inherent need/result and her creative process comes through in spades and full circle intellect is on display when she talks about horses.
neko's work has been the soundtrack to much of my life for decades. thanks for letting us know a bit more about you.
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