Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage

by Lee Strobel, Leslie Strobel

Someone came between Lee and Leslie Strobel, threatening to shipwreck their marriage. No, it wasn’t an old flame. It was Jesus Christ.

Leslie’s decision to become a follower of Jesus brought heated opposition from her skeptical husband. They began to experience conflict over a variety of issues, from finances to child-rearing. But over time, Leslie learned how to survive a spiritual mismatch. Today they’re both Christians--and they want you to know that there is hope if you’re a Christian married to a nonbeliever.

In their intensely personal and practical book, they reveal:
* Surprising insights into the thinking of non-Christian spouses
* A dozen steps toward making the most of your mismatched marriage
* Eight principles for reaching out to your partner with the gospel
* Advice for raising your children in a spiritually mismatched home
* How to pray for your spouse--plus a 30-day guide to get you started
* What to do if you’re both Christians but one lags behind spiritually
* Advice for single Christians to avoid the pain of a mismatch

Genres: Christian, Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christianity, Faith, Religion

272 pages, Paperback

First published March 27, 2002

About the author

Lee Patrick Strobel is an American Christian author and a former investigative journalist. He has written several books, including four that received ECPA Christian Book Awards (1994, 1999, 2001, 2005)[2] and a series which addresses challenges to the veracity of Christianity. He also hosted a television program called Faith Under Fire on PAX TV and runs a video apologetics web site.

Reviews

[Benjamin Stahl · Rating 1 out of 5]

Although I ultimately came to like Strobel's popular Case for Christ - a book which seems increasingly likely to be his only worthwhile one- there are several things I find quite annoying and unlikable about him as a writer. While this book does not bash one over the head with a pitiful attempt at presenting a "hard-nosed" atheist throwing gift-wrapped hardball questions at exclusively Christian scholars (as does Case for Christ, and the far less effective Case for Christmas), readers of this book are still bombarded with Strobel's favourite subject ...

Jesus?

Well, no. Not exactly.

More like himself.

Anyone looking for a nuanced guide for managing the important and genuinely impactful challenge of being in a spiritually mismatched relationship (Christian wife, atheist husband, etc.), here you will find nothing more than the occasional, vague and indirect suggestion based on the profound example of Lee and his wife. Naturally, one cannot have any problem with their story in and of itself, and I do not doubt their deep and enduring, faith-filled love for each other, their church, and God. But, as always with Strobel, I just find his treatment of the subject so painfully disingenuous, arrogant, naive, and cringeworthy.

Again, he gives you the whole "when I was a horrible atheist" story. I love how he takes such pleasure in presenting himself as the worst guy ever before he found Jesus (almost like he's trying to score points on some "Christians with an edgy past" scale, wherein the greater the depths from which you were lifted, the more profound and inspiring your faith is).

Just as unsavoury as it is cliched (to the point that I doubt its veracity), he was apparently all about working only for himself, never spending time with his kids, drinking all night and sleeping off his hangovers while the Mrs did the housework, watching football and drinking beer, cursing like Homer Simpson whenever he got off his arse and gave his thumb a booboo with the hammer.

While he expects us to believe he and his wife had a loving and respectful relationship before their conversions - I mean, they married each other, didn't they? - he goes to great lengths in describing how he constantly belittled, mocked and insulted her when she became a Christian. Putting aside all his supposed complaints - "Oh, why do you need such a crutch in your life?" "Oh, don't you know that's just wishful thinking!" etc, etc. - I just don't buy that he was ever like this in the first place. Or else, he actually, totally was, in which case he never seems to have considered that, just maybe, being an atheist wasn't the real issue. Maybe, it was just that he was (and is?) a bit of an asshole.

I find him annoying enough in his phoney pretence of being the hardest atheist nut to crack during his decadent youth. I cannot imagine how grating he must be for any disbeliever to read, seeing this jolly, conservative, evangelical, Billy Graham-quoting, megachurch attending, boorish lump of American virtue claiming to represent them, and then making an outright mockery of the idea he ever was a genuine atheist in the first place.

I do feel bad and at odds with my own Christian calling to be kind and charitable (I especially don't like being harsh on Christian writers), but Strobel just rubs me the wrong way, in so many ways, and this painfully cringey book which I actually dared to hope I would enjoy has entrenched me deeper in that position.

[Cheri · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I accepted Christ a year before my husband things were so rough that year it's clearly by the Grace of God we made it through... this book made things much clearer to me, much more understandable to bear. It helped me to know how to react to him, and how to act around him as well as understanding why he reacted to me certain ways or why he acted a certain way ; how things could be misconstrued or misunderstood. This book was a lifeline for me that year.

[benebean · Rating 4 out of 5]

for those of you who know me, you're probably really confused why I'm reading an advice book on a troubled marriage seeing as not only am I not in a mismatched marriage, I'm not married at all and am likely to stay that way. But I've found this book really helpful in giving advice for any close relationships.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of the few book finds that as soon as I happened upon it, I knew I had to read it--and right then. As this subject hits home on multiple levels, I was very interested to see the author's take on this not-often-addressed-subject (at least that I've previously come across). This is a great resource, really, for anyone growing in their relationship with God, regardless of relationship status. The book obviously mainly addresses a Christian being married to a non-Christian, but it does address couples who are on two different spiritual levels, dating standards along these lines, etc. However, this is a pretty small portion of the book. Still, I found it insightful and full of good thoughts and reminders.

[Denise · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you are a Christian and your spouse isn't, this is probably a great book for you. Not until well into the book did Lee discuss couples that are both Christians but one is content with going to church once a week if there is nothing else to do, or content with the milk of babes instead of longing for meat. Even then, Lee only spent a few pages on that. The biggest lesson? DO NOT date anyone who is not a Christian and even if they say they are, don't be fooled until you see good fruit being produced in their lives.

[Kernita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Powerful

I rarely read books more than once but I read the previous edition plus this edition and found both to be interesting and relevant. This is beneficial even for couples in which both spouses are Christians but are at different stages in their spiritual journey. It provides clear and practical guidelines about living a rich life as a Christian with someone whose beliefs are different, including how to parent under those circumstances. I found the chapter on dating was one of the best that I have ever read. Highly recommended!

[Rhonda DiGenova · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the BEST resources for anyone in an "unequally yoked" marriage with a non-believer. Both Lee and his wife were athiests...she joined a Bible study and he won journalism awards. Their story was inspiring, their strategies spot on and timing for me was divinely-appointed.

[Tasha McCarty · Rating 5 out of 5]

The single most helpful book in getting an understanding of living in a unequally yoked marriage, AND helps in a shift of mindset and heart towards your spouse. Thank you!

[Melody · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think 90% of this book is good and helpful for a spouse (especially a wife) living in a spiritually mismatched marriage. However, he advocates for a couple of things in the book that I find concerning. One is that he strongly recommends that people attend massive, seeker friendly churches rather than smaller churches. I think this really does a disservice to people who are reading this book because in many ways a smaller church is better able to come alongside its members and provide the council and community that are often lost in large churches. Toward the end of the book, he encourages that woman to have a more active role in ministry while her husband takes on the role of supporting his wife. This is not a biblical position, and can lead to increasing marital strife.

[Jasmine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall some really good and practical tips - I'd love to try out the 30-day prayer challenge. There were a few parts of the book though, where the author proposes simplistic responses of the believing partner to have, so as to win the non-believing partner over (thereby upholding certain gender roles and expectations, since the believing partner is usually the woman). Not all the examples felt relevant to me, but I do understand the author is primarily speaking from his experience as a fairly hostile partner when his wife became Christian during their marriage. There are plenty of mismatches that do not fit this mould, so discretion is of course required depending on the situation.

[Natacha · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has given me so much hope and a a fresh outlook on what I felt was a hopeless marriage! Lee Strobel and his wife Leslie, give so many practical tips on how you can still live out your faith, and in fact have a Christian marriage, despite your spouse not coming to faith! I cannot recommend this book enough!

[Mecayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read for ALL Christians in ALL seasons of relationships. Whether you are mismatched or not, it is an extremely insightful book on how to continue to pray for people, be persistent in your faith even in the face of struggles, and so much more. It is rich, impactful, and convicting. I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT!!

[Lisa Sherrill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lovingly live out your faith in the midst of a spiritual mismatch

Practical advice to survive a marriage with a nonbeliever. My biggest take aways... live out faith authentically and pray frequently.

[Eric · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would likely recommend this book to anyone who is already married, or contemplating marriage, should they find themselves harboring any doubts about whether their beliefs mesh with those of their partner.

[Courtney Dawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and found its insights to be both thoughtful and encouraging. While I’m not currently in a spiritually mismatched relationship, being single, I have experienced dating with differing faith views, and this book offered some valuable perspectives. Though I had hoped for more specific advice on dating, it still provided practical and heartfelt guidance for anyone navigating a spiritual mismatch. It’s also a great resource for those supporting someone in such a relationship, offering understanding and ways to offer meaningful encouragement. A worthwhile and insightful read!

[CherylBCz · Rating 4 out of 5]

good chapter for singles on dating

[Patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book for anyone. Not just for partners who believe different things, but also if mismatched levels of spirituality. It also goes into what you should do if you are in a dating stage too.

[Ashley Bowman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent. Hopeful.

Not quite as practical as I think it should have been. A little “commercial” as Lee talks about his other books as resources too much.

[Brianna Bowen · Rating 5 out of 5]

GREAT book to recommend to spiritually mismatched people!!! Definitely gonna recommend this to people in the future on how to adapt and overcome. Great❤️❤️

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read with Lynnette Vatsaas at Precious Moments.

[Janelle Roselli · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful reminders. Encouraging for both spouses. I think it’s worth a read if you are in this situation. It reminds us that main point of marriage is loving one another and making the marriage the best it can be.

[Ro Cartes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. I’m so happy I got this book, I really needed this. I’d been struggling with the fact that my partner is agnostic and I’m a devout Christian. This book was so rich with information, advice and helped me really understand my unbelieving partner. — I have more compassion and sympathy, and understand him more now. This helps me so much, as we have not yet fought over our differences, so I have learned early on how to handle any situations that may arise in future. I will continue to pray that God change his heart, and that He brings my partner to Him. It’s in God’s hands, and in His time. ❤️

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ok-some really helpful things, but was annoyed by the constant name-dropping of pastor's he works with and stuff about his church. Some things felt out-dated, but enjoyed the tools for how to pray for your spouse and real stories grounded in truth.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book to anyone who finds themselves in an unequally yoked relationship - or anyone who is considering one. This book is an incredible resource. For full review, see here. http://eagleswingsbooks.blogspot.com/...

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

i really enjoyed the book even though the help I was seeking didn't show up until the before last chapter. it was excellent information anyways good for passing onto others perhaps struggling in their marriage as a result of imbalance one way or another.

[Kareykat · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good reminder to treat others the way I want to be treated, most importantly my partner.

[Robin · Rating 3 out of 5]

started this a long time ago and never finished... would like to re-read and finish!

[Carmita Harwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good, lots of encouragement for anyone in this situation...so tempted to share with my husband, but know that would be a mistake 8-)

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful book - Lee did a great great writing this book, almost as good s hearing him speak at church.

[Dana · Rating 3 out of 5]

I took a quick read of this book while I was up in Minnesota seeing my family. I have to say though I don't agree with all of Strobel's views I still found it to be worth reading and encouraging.