That Beast Was Not Me: One Forensic Psychologist, Five Decades of Conversations with Killers

by Jeffrey L. Smalldon

AN UP-CLOSE AND PERSONAL LOOK
AT THE MURDERING MIND ...In 1975, after Manson Family member Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme’s attempt to kill President Gerald Ford, the FBI found a cache of letters in the would-be assassin’s Sacramento apartment. The return address belonged to future forensic psychologist Jeffrey Smalldon, then a young undergraduate.

A decade later, after the shocking murders of two co-workers, Smalldon’s quest to understand the twisted minds and motivations of killers became personal in a way it never had been before.

THAT BEAST WAS NOT ME documents five decades of conversations with murderers like John Wayne Gacy, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, serial sniper Thomas Lee Dillon, and Donald Harvey—then thought to be the most prolific serial killer in American history. Through letters, prison visits, and interviews, Smalldon gives readers a terrifying look into the darkest recesses of the human psyche.



“In telling the story of the true crime obsessions that propelled him to a career as a leading forensic psychologist, Jeffrey Smalldon has produced an absolute page-turner of a book … gripping, propulsively readable. More than any other book I can think of, it succeeds in bringing near-mythical beings like Manson, Bundy, and Gacy to vivid, chilling life—while conveying the dark charisma that continues to make them objects of extreme fascination.”
—Harold Schechter, author of A History of Crime in 100 Objects; The Bath School Disaster and the Birth of the Modern Mass Killer; and The Shocking True Story of America’s First Serial Killer

“Jeffrey Smalldon follows his curiosity, even when it takes him close to the world’s most dangerous—or delusional—people … Reading this account is like being backstage for the killers’ performances; you learn a lot more about them than other correspondents might notice.”
—Dr. Kathryn Ramsland, author of The Serial Killer’s Apprentice; Confession of a Serial The Untold Story of Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer; The Forensic Psycholodyg of Criminal Minds; and Inside the Minds of Serial Why They Kill

“... all true crime books promise great things. That Beast Was Not Me is the rare example of one delivering exactly that.”
—Jeff Guinn, author of The Life and Times of Charles Manson; David Koresh, the Branch Davidians, and a Legacy of Rage; Go Down The True, Untold Story of Bonnie and Clyde; and The Road to Jim Jones and Peoples Temple

“… a treasure trove of insights and observations culled from fifty years of personal and professional interest in the ultimate outsiders in American mass and serial killers … essential reading for any fan of true crime.”
—David Schmid, author of Natural Born Serial Killers in American Culture

“Smalldon is a damn fine writer, and he has an incredible collection of vivid, highly personal stories to tell. There have been plenty of books written about serial and mass killers, quite a few bad ones along with a smaller number of good ones. In my opinion, That Beast Was Not Me stands among the finest, most interesting books in this genre.”
—Donald Ray Pollock, author of Knockemstiff; The Devil All the Time; and The Heavenly Table

“In this remarkable memoir, forensic psychologist Jeff

Genres: Nonfiction

474 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 6, 2024

Reviews

[Marie Kruse · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wanted to read this book because one of the topics hit home for me. It involved a good friend of mine, Joyce Clark McFadden, who was brutally stabbed to death in late 1983. The murders happened at Riverside Hospital in Columbus, OH. The murders of Joyce and her co-worker, Patty, were stabbed to death while working in the medical research lab. Although never solved, it leads to Patty's husband, Bill Matix, as the murderer. The author mentions the movie, IN THE LINE OF DUTY: THE FBI MURDERS (1988). When you watch this movie, available on YOU TUBE, I think you will agree. Also, the author, a forensic psychologist, resides in Bexley, OH near where I live. The book has other serial killers, names known to you. It gives a overview of the murders but it mainly deals with what made these brutal murderers "click." The author brings you into his conversations with these killers. If you like to read true crime books, you will love this one.

[Grace Olscamp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Smalldon’s book reflects on his experiences with some of the most notorious American killers with full honesty and humor, not shying away from mistakes he may have made in the early days, even before he was a forensic psychologist (like using the bathroom BEFORE being locked in a room with John Wayne Gacy).

This book isn’t a repeat true crime novel about infamous crimes, but rather a journey of where an obsession with the mind of a murderer took one man over the decades, from intercepting letters from max security prisons before they got to his parent’s house to consulting on 300 death penalty cases. The tales contained within aren’t recounted in a clinical manner, despite the author’s background, but rather told by a friend who saddles up to the bar next to you, orders a drink, and says “Wanna hear a good one?”

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a gripping, fascinating and extremely disturbing book. I finished it in two days and I came away with much more knowledge of serial killers than I had before (is that a good thing??). Dr. Smalldon's decades of interviews, letters and research were condensed into this book and provided an overview of the killers that were highlighted. The most comprehensive picture seemed to be of John Wayne Gacy. I was surprised by the many risks the author chose to take (being alone with J. W. Gacy, providing his home address and phone numbers, sharing personal stories and names of family members), but perhaps this was necessary to cultivate the intimacy that was required to gather information.
I would have appreciated more of a conclusion - a final psychological assessment of all of the individuals mentioned. I also would have liked a short introduction of each of the killers, including everything they were charged of and a description of the crime.
I enjoyed the photo section of the book (especially the family photos) - and seeing the actual letters of the people the author corresponded with.
I look forward to more of Dr. Smalldon's books!

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was written by a man who grew up in my hometown, and I recently heard him speak about this book at our local library. As he spoke, I wondered why anyone would want to correspond with serial killers. As a forensic psychologist, he interviewed many serial killers. It would have scared me to death to be in the same room with these killers alone. The book was worth reading to find out what makes people tick, including the author!

[Author Jenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Beast Was Not Me is an essential read for any true crime fan. If you are new to the true crime world I would suggest this as a 1st read. What propels one to go into the world of forensic psychology? This is a very well written , mind blowing journey of Dr. Smalldon's experiences. Dr. Smalldon provides insight of what is in the minds of these most notorious killers.

[Monica · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. I mishmash of chapters that loosely summarize the sparse communication between the author and killers. There is virtually no analysis or insight. It was unclear what the message was or how the chapters tied together. I gave up just over 50%; I figured I had waited long enough to “get to the good part.” Do not recommend.
📚

[Jennifer Young · Rating 3 out of 5]

I guess I was expecting more details about these killers than this book gave me. Just ok

[Leslie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well-written true crime. I found this book fascinating.