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Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner
This book is intended to be a practical guide to using the modern science of attachment and relationships to guide the questioning toward a more fulfilling life.
If you were brought up in the Western world, you’ve been trained on fairy tales of love and relationships that are misleading at best, and at worst have you making mistake after mistake in starting relationships with the wrong kinds of people who will waste your time and keep you from finding a loyal partner. Science has the answer! Or at least a guide to save you the time and effort of discovering for yourself how many wrong types of romantic partners there are.
Reading this book will help you recognize the signs of some of the syndromes that prevent people from being good partners. We’ll go through those syndromes and point out some of the signs. Those little red flags you sometimes notice when you are getting to know someone? Often they speak loud and clear once you understand the types, and you can decide immediately to run away or approach with caution those who show them.
If you’re young and just starting to look for a partner, good news—the world is swarming with well-adjusted, charming matches for you, if you know how to recognize them. The bad news: you are inexperienced and you may not recognize the right type of person when you date them. Many people expect to experience an immediate sense of excitement, an overwhelming rush of attraction, and to fall in love rapidly and equally with someone who feels the same. This rarely happens, and when it does it usually ends badly! And expecting it will cause you to let go of people who are steady, loving, and attentive, if you had given them a chance. So once you’ve identified someone who makes you laugh, answers your messages, and is there for you when you want them, don’t make the mistake of tossing them aside for the merely good-looking, sexy, or intriguing stranger.
If you’re older, bad news: while you were spending time and effort on relationships you were hoping would turn out better, or even happily nestled in a good relationship or two, most of the secure, reliable, sane people in your age group got paired off. They’re married or happily enfamilied, and most of the people your age in the dating pool are tragically unable to form a good long-term relationship. You should always ask yourself, “why is this one still available?”—there may be a good answer (recently widowed or left a long-term relationship), or it may be that this person has just been extraordinarily unlucky in having over twenty short relationships in twenty years (to cite one case!) But it’s far more likely you have met someone with a problematic attachment style. As you age past 40, the percentage of the dating pool that is able to form a secure, stable relationship drops to less than 30%[1]; and since it can take months of dating to understand why Mr. or Ms. SeemsNice is really the future ex-partner from Hell, being able to recognize the difficult types will help you recognize them faster and move on to the next.
This book outlines the basics (which might be all you need), and points you toward more resources if you want to understand more about your problem partner. If you're wondering if the guy or girl you've been hanging out with might not be quite right, this is the place to match those little red flags you've noticed with known bad types. And by getting out fast, you can avoid emotional damage and wasted time, and get going on finding someone who's really right for you. Study all of the bad types and you'll detect them before even getting involved. Or you could be one of the few people who recognizes their own problems in one of these types. There are study materials and plans of action for you, too.
If you were brought up in the Western world, you’ve been trained on fairy tales of love and relationships that are misleading at best, and at worst have you making mistake after mistake in starting relationships with the wrong kinds of people who will waste your time and keep you from finding a loyal partner. Science has the answer! Or at least a guide to save you the time and effort of discovering for yourself how many wrong types of romantic partners there are.
Reading this book will help you recognize the signs of some of the syndromes that prevent people from being good partners. We’ll go through those syndromes and point out some of the signs. Those little red flags you sometimes notice when you are getting to know someone? Often they speak loud and clear once you understand the types, and you can decide immediately to run away or approach with caution those who show them.
If you’re young and just starting to look for a partner, good news—the world is swarming with well-adjusted, charming matches for you, if you know how to recognize them. The bad news: you are inexperienced and you may not recognize the right type of person when you date them. Many people expect to experience an immediate sense of excitement, an overwhelming rush of attraction, and to fall in love rapidly and equally with someone who feels the same. This rarely happens, and when it does it usually ends badly! And expecting it will cause you to let go of people who are steady, loving, and attentive, if you had given them a chance. So once you’ve identified someone who makes you laugh, answers your messages, and is there for you when you want them, don’t make the mistake of tossing them aside for the merely good-looking, sexy, or intriguing stranger.
If you’re older, bad news: while you were spending time and effort on relationships you were hoping would turn out better, or even happily nestled in a good relationship or two, most of the secure, reliable, sane people in your age group got paired off. They’re married or happily enfamilied, and most of the people your age in the dating pool are tragically unable to form a good long-term relationship. You should always ask yourself, “why is this one still available?”—there may be a good answer (recently widowed or left a long-term relationship), or it may be that this person has just been extraordinarily unlucky in having over twenty short relationships in twenty years (to cite one case!) But it’s far more likely you have met someone with a problematic attachment style. As you age past 40, the percentage of the dating pool that is able to form a secure, stable relationship drops to less than 30%[1]; and since it can take months of dating to understand why Mr. or Ms. SeemsNice is really the future ex-partner from Hell, being able to recognize the difficult types will help you recognize them faster and move on to the next.
This book outlines the basics (which might be all you need), and points you toward more resources if you want to understand more about your problem partner. If you're wondering if the guy or girl you've been hanging out with might not be quite right, this is the place to match those little red flags you've noticed with known bad types. And by getting out fast, you can avoid emotional damage and wasted time, and get going on finding someone who's really right for you. Study all of the bad types and you'll detect them before even getting involved. Or you could be one of the few people who recognizes their own problems in one of these types. There are study materials and plans of action for you, too.
202 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 8, 2014
172 people are currently reading
285 people want to read
About the author
Jeb Kinnison
10 books20 followersJeb Kinnison grew up in the Midwest, studied computer and cognitive science at MIT, and wrote programs modeling the behavior of simulated stock traders and the population dynamics of economic agents. He went on to do supercomputer research at a think tank that developed parts of the early Internet (where the engineer who decided on ‘@‘ as the separator for email addresses worked down the hall.) Since then he has had several careers—real estate, financial advising, and counselling.
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
October 31, 2017
I make a pledge of re-reading this periodically to internalise its profuse wisdom.
January 3, 2017
Very interesting material. But the presentation wasn't quite what I was looking for. It's a little too knowledgeable for a "popular" book. But it's nowhere near serious and exact enough for an "academic" book either. It's something in the middle that doesn't quite serve either purpose.
Perhaps my principal problem is he's so careful to present what he's found out about ambiguous situations and unclear situations and exceptional situations fairly and completely that it winds up being a little difficult to make a simple bullet point list of "his recommendations".
And my other problem is he keeps his book much shorter and more concise by not following the popularizing pattern of "tell them what you're going to tell them, then tell them, then tell them what you just told them". While an academic or a professional would greatly appreciate the lack of repetition, it actually makes it noticeably more difficult for an amateur to correctly absorb the new information.
The most useful part I found was his annotated bibliography of other sources. It turns out I'd already read most of what he classified as "popular" books ...and those other books better met my needs.
Perhaps my principal problem is he's so careful to present what he's found out about ambiguous situations and unclear situations and exceptional situations fairly and completely that it winds up being a little difficult to make a simple bullet point list of "his recommendations".
And my other problem is he keeps his book much shorter and more concise by not following the popularizing pattern of "tell them what you're going to tell them, then tell them, then tell them what you just told them". While an academic or a professional would greatly appreciate the lack of repetition, it actually makes it noticeably more difficult for an amateur to correctly absorb the new information.
The most useful part I found was his annotated bibliography of other sources. It turns out I'd already read most of what he classified as "popular" books ...and those other books better met my needs.
April 15, 2014
A good read and full of insights for anyone who was ever in or wanted to be in a relationship.
Bad Boyfriends
BY JEB KINNISON
★★★★☆
IR Verdict: BAD BOYFRIENDS offers some sensible and intelligent advice for those looking for a romantic relationship, or wondering why all their relationships seem to go sour.
Author Jeb Kinnison applies attachment theory to relationships in order to advise the reader on how to find personality types that suit them well in a loving partnership.
The subtitle of BAD BOYFRIENDS is “Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. or Ms. Wrong And Make You A Better Partner”, which essentially sums up the book. Kinnison divides potential romantic partners into personality types: secure people, who are comfortable with a normal level of attachment to another person, anxious-preoccupied people, who seek constant reassurance of their partner’s commitment to them, dismissive-avoidant people, who believe they do not need relationships and seek to keep others at arms’ length, and fearful-avoidant people, who desire commitment but believe they will not get it, and so keep others at arms’ length to avoid disappointment. He offers advice on how to recognize and avoid difficult personality types, in particular the most dangerous and likely to become abusive, and how to counteract one’s own more difficult and damaging relationship tendencies.
Kinnison rightly attacks society’s emphasis on the hormonal/sexual state of being “in love” as a foundation for a long-term relationship or marriage, and encourages readers to seek a deeper, more intelligent connection between lovers and/or spouses. He shows, with empathy and perceptiveness, how different personality types are likely to interact, and what can be done in some cases to mitigate the negative effects of different insecurities and problems. His discussion of how to recognize and avoid a psychopath and/or an abusive mate is clear, precise, and firm. And the reader who takes nothing else away from the book should at least note his repeated advice to avoid anyone who has lots of exes, all of whom he or she describes as crazy or evil.
Kinnison does occasionally tend to oversimplify, as one must when categorizing personality types. The author also tends to put most of the blame for personality issues on bad parenting rather than on genetics or non-parental environmental influences, which is debatable but true to the attachment-theory perspective. The title’s gender-specificity might discourage straight men and lesbians from picking up the book, when in fact its advice is pretty gender-neutral. These minor problems, however, do not substantially interfere with the actual advice, which is generally sound.
BAD BOYFRIENDS offers some sensible and intelligent advice for those looking for a romantic relationship, or wondering why all their relationships seem to go sour.
-- Reviewed by Catherine Langrehr for IndieReader
Bad Boyfriends
BY JEB KINNISON
★★★★☆
IR Verdict: BAD BOYFRIENDS offers some sensible and intelligent advice for those looking for a romantic relationship, or wondering why all their relationships seem to go sour.
Author Jeb Kinnison applies attachment theory to relationships in order to advise the reader on how to find personality types that suit them well in a loving partnership.
The subtitle of BAD BOYFRIENDS is “Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. or Ms. Wrong And Make You A Better Partner”, which essentially sums up the book. Kinnison divides potential romantic partners into personality types: secure people, who are comfortable with a normal level of attachment to another person, anxious-preoccupied people, who seek constant reassurance of their partner’s commitment to them, dismissive-avoidant people, who believe they do not need relationships and seek to keep others at arms’ length, and fearful-avoidant people, who desire commitment but believe they will not get it, and so keep others at arms’ length to avoid disappointment. He offers advice on how to recognize and avoid difficult personality types, in particular the most dangerous and likely to become abusive, and how to counteract one’s own more difficult and damaging relationship tendencies.
Kinnison rightly attacks society’s emphasis on the hormonal/sexual state of being “in love” as a foundation for a long-term relationship or marriage, and encourages readers to seek a deeper, more intelligent connection between lovers and/or spouses. He shows, with empathy and perceptiveness, how different personality types are likely to interact, and what can be done in some cases to mitigate the negative effects of different insecurities and problems. His discussion of how to recognize and avoid a psychopath and/or an abusive mate is clear, precise, and firm. And the reader who takes nothing else away from the book should at least note his repeated advice to avoid anyone who has lots of exes, all of whom he or she describes as crazy or evil.
Kinnison does occasionally tend to oversimplify, as one must when categorizing personality types. The author also tends to put most of the blame for personality issues on bad parenting rather than on genetics or non-parental environmental influences, which is debatable but true to the attachment-theory perspective. The title’s gender-specificity might discourage straight men and lesbians from picking up the book, when in fact its advice is pretty gender-neutral. These minor problems, however, do not substantially interfere with the actual advice, which is generally sound.
BAD BOYFRIENDS offers some sensible and intelligent advice for those looking for a romantic relationship, or wondering why all their relationships seem to go sour.
-- Reviewed by Catherine Langrehr for IndieReader
December 20, 2017
Save yourself the time and money on this one. I rarely write such negative reviews for a book, but I feel like this one deserves it given the delicate topic.
There were a bunch of things that really bothered me, starting with the structure and layout of the book. 7 parts with a total of 36 chapters in 200 pages, no, I'm not joking.
The originality and structure of the book are questionable, it seems more a collection of quotes and things the author learned from other books or his own experiences. This book has the largest number of quotes I've ever seen in a book, more than half of the book is quoted.
The author has no formal expertise, and he discredits psychology professionals by saying that they rarely are experts in attachment issues. I mean, really?
Giving it 2 stars because I did learn some things from it, but overall not worth the time.
There were a bunch of things that really bothered me, starting with the structure and layout of the book. 7 parts with a total of 36 chapters in 200 pages, no, I'm not joking.
The originality and structure of the book are questionable, it seems more a collection of quotes and things the author learned from other books or his own experiences. This book has the largest number of quotes I've ever seen in a book, more than half of the book is quoted.
The author has no formal expertise, and he discredits psychology professionals by saying that they rarely are experts in attachment issues. I mean, really?
Giving it 2 stars because I did learn some things from it, but overall not worth the time.
November 29, 2018
I've read several similar books this year, this one has been the least enjoyable to read. It cites several of the other books and is at times insulting to the reader in ways that other books have not been. It feels like the author read a few books and Wikipedia pages and decided to take a go at it themselves.
November 19, 2022
Okay overview of attachment theory. Not super deep, but has some good points.
May 28, 2022
Bad Boyfriends is a guide to help women (or men) navigate the world of dating, particularly helping them in weeding out "avoidant" men (or women) who don't have the capacity of participating in a healing, nurturing, healthy relationship without a great deal of therapeutic support and deep work. This book is going to save singles immense pain if it helps them discover this attachment style (and other pathologies) early on, before much time is invested in the relationship. My ex-boyfriend has been heroically honest with the women after me that he begins to date, letting them know that this is his attachment style, and so far, no woman wants to begin a relationship with him. I don't think relationships work with this type of person because if they meet another avoidant, neither can sustain a relationship beyond a month or two. If they meet someone with an ambivalent attachment style, like me, it will become a living hell for the ambivalent partner. The avoidant doesn't feel the pain of loss when a relationship ends and actually welcomes the end and is relieved by it. There is some hope for an avoidant if they can be with a partner with a history of secure attachment. It will take a great deal of patience on the partner's part and the ability or desire to be alone a lot.
September 20, 2014
It was an interesting read. It offered a speculative and refreshing approach that combined psychology and sociology in reference to relationships. It was refreshingly honest and a quick read.
June 20, 2017
Lots of helpful information, a good place to start when questioning why you have the kinds of relationships you do.
May 24, 2021
This book was a good surface level understanding of attachment theory with thoughts sprinkled in about personality disorders and non-Monogamous relationships. Everything is done very surface level and it can give the since of whiplash at time. If you are already familiar with attachment theory from books like “Attached” or open relationships from books like “the ethical slut” I don’t think this will add any new ideas. However, it is a good summary of a lot of different ideas out on the market. Would recommit anyone just starting into these ideas and wanting to get a lay of the Land or someone who just wants a quick refresher of what is out there.
2.5/5 stars
2.5/5 stars
August 21, 2018
Very important for women that struggle with men. Struggle to find men that commit. Great for men that identify a pattern of running away. I feel like it is quick to pathologize without a clear path to identify the root causes or recommend types of therapy for men. It is more of a manual to release partners of the responsibility that they attract men like this, and how to avoid men that are the many flavours of avoidant.
January 9, 2019
A lot of information but the presentation is not very engaging. There is something dry about it! Maybe more examples and relating the info. to reality would have helped.
Also a very strange structure as chapters are too short. There were also some typos which one would not expect in a revised and edited work.
Also a very strange structure as chapters are too short. There were also some typos which one would not expect in a revised and edited work.
July 5, 2017
quite easy reading. I found myself clearer about the 4 types of attachment. even though it emphasizes on romantic relationship, it is actually helpful for all sorts of relationship and get to know myself better.
January 2, 2020
It’s an interesting book that offers a good introduction to attachment styles and how they influence later relationships. However, I think it does not go enough in depth when explaining the repercussions of attachment styles and, thus, it’s a little too generic.
October 12, 2020
This book is a great one to read after reading "Attached", however, I did not enjoy it nearly as much as Attached. It was informative, and did delve into more specific psychologic disorders. However, I feel Attached was much more informative and helpful.
June 18, 2017
really good explanation of attachment theory in adults, and then gives resources for further reading
July 8, 2018
Great read on how to avoid the wrong person or become the right person.
December 18, 2019
Good insight on attachment style
I enjoyed this book. I have read others on attachment and this made the most sense and helped me to see where I can start to make positive changes
I enjoyed this book. I have read others on attachment and this made the most sense and helped me to see where I can start to make positive changes
April 20, 2020
Easy to read and informative
Enjoyed reading all chapters. Would definitely recommend to anyone who wants to gain a deeper insight on attachment theories. Great
Enjoyed reading all chapters. Would definitely recommend to anyone who wants to gain a deeper insight on attachment theories. Great
January 2, 2021
I gave this book a two because its the same information as his other book conveyed in the same exact way.
March 30, 2021
Rehash of a couple of books
Nothing new here, half the book is long quotes from a couple of books by someone else. At least he cites them correctly.
Nothing new here, half the book is long quotes from a couple of books by someone else. At least he cites them correctly.
December 14, 2021
Very insightful book with lots of learning points, I will definitely read it a second time to absorb it all.
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August 28, 2016
There is a lot of repetition between this book and Kinnison's other book "Avoidant: How to Love or Leave a Dismissive Partner". While both are great, unless you are really, truly interested in Attachment Theory and Avoidants, and don't mind a sense of de-ja-vu, just read one. I think this one is the better pick of the two, as there are multiple facets to work with - age, personality type, red flags to watch for, follow up reading from other authors based on specific concerns.
September 5, 2014
Very interesting and helpfull in trying to undersyand the way you approach relationships without going into too much deph about past relationships.
August 13, 2015
part of my research on attachment theory
November 4, 2015
A good primer on the basics of attachment theory.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews