We Will Destroy Your Planet: An Alien's Guide to Conquering the Earth

Osprey Adventures

by David A. McIntee

Enjoy this pseudo-nonfiction, 'how-to' military handbook for aliens intending to conquer the Earth. Science fiction elements are satirized and then connected to real-world science, history, and military technique to show how it should be done.It goes without saying that any military campaign must be planned in ways depending upon some basic The logistics of where your enemy is in relation to your own forces, environmental factors, and, most importantly, 'why' you're fighting this campaign. This book intends to take these basic factors, and apply them to the purpose of conquering the planet known to the natives as Earth.There are, of course, many possible reasons for launching a military campaign against such a planet. The form of your campaign, and the formation of its strategic and tactical policies will very much depend on your reason. Obviously the campaign to destroy all sentient life on a planetary surface will be very different in character to a campaign to, say, bring the local population into the fold of your empire or federation - and, frankly, a lot simpler. Once the reason for conquest, or destruction, has been determined, the book will take a step-by-step approach to the best way to annihilate humanities resistance and bring them to their knees.

Genres: Science Fiction, Fiction, Humor, Science Fiction Fantasy, War

237 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

David A. McIntee was a British author who specialised in writing spin-offs and nonfiction commentaries for Doctor Who and other British and American science-fiction franchises.

Reviews

[Bettie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bettie's Books

[AH · Rating 4 out of 5]

So my review copy arrived today and it was promptly pilfered by kid3 who hasn't stopped reading and laughing out loud, so it must be a good book. Maybe he'll write the review when he's done. Now I really want to read it, too.

Update 1/21/14 - Initial Thoughts: Finally got the book back from Kid3 who claims that it was an awesome book - very funny. The book is a little fact heavy, however the popular culture references (and where the aliens of pop culture went wrong in their invasion plans) were entertaining.

The Review (finally):
I must admit that I requested this book because of the title. Come on, aren't you the least bit curious? Just how would an alien army come in and attack Earth? I mean, we've seen it in movies - and somehow the people of Earth prevail. Just what are the aliens doing wrong? Would they be more successful with a little green handbook?

A word about the appeal of this book - kid3 is 14 years old and a bit of a reluctant reader. He's a little bit geeky and loves strange facts and figures. This book was right up his alley. I can see exactly why he enjoyed it. The first chapter is a repository of facts and figures about the Earth - its position in space, rotational speed, orbit, mass, etc. Great trivia stuff for geeks, a little info dumpy for me.

The book is divided into instructional chapters that go over the ways in which an alien invader might conquer the Earth, use the local inhabitants (or possibly exterminate them), what kind of Earth defenses an alien invader could expect, etc.

The book is full of cultural references to Earth's most famous science fiction movies, books, and TV series such as Star Wars and Dr. Who. He even highlights the fictional aliens' mistakes so that future invaders do not try the same thing. There's also some cute illustrations throughout the book so it should keep the attention span of most teenage boys.

The Alien's Guide to Conquering the Earth is a fun little green book full of neat and interesting facts. Check out my status updates below for some of the more entertaining quotes.

Thanks to Angry Robot Books for a review copy of this book.

Review posted on Badass Book Reviews new feature Science Fiction Saturday. Check it out!

[Suresh Ramaswamy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is not what I expected but it is well presented – it is just a summary of the various alien invasion books, serials and movies. It is a handbook of alien invasion of the earth. Should such an invasion take place, we know who the Fifth Columnist in our midst was (in a lighter vein).

In most of the books and films, humans ultimately come out victorious – either due to the circumstances a or as in the first of this genre H.G.Wells’s ‘War of the Worlds’ – the earth’s microbes / viruses attack the invaders who succumb to disease against which they have no immunity.

However, this book is a step by step guide as to what is to be done to ensure victory over the humans and earth by avoiding the mistakes and failures of the earlier invaders.

David McIntee has done a commendable job of collating the various classes of this genre and presented it in a summarized form in this book. The illustrations by Miguel Coimbra are well drawn and appreciable.

A satisfactory read.

[Robert Day · Rating 3 out of 5]

What did I think? Hmm.

As I was reading I was thinking that this is one of the best geography, geology and natural history books I've read. Then later I was thinking that this is one of the most innovative reviews of the field of sci-fi invasion stories that I've read. Then later I was thinking that I might like to see some of these movies and television series and I wish there weren't as many spoilers. Then later still I was wishing the end of this book was better. More cinematic. More funny.

So, yeah, that's what I thought.

Read it and tell me how your Earth invasion plans are going.

[Declan Waters · Rating 1 out of 5]

I love the Osprey Adventure series for folk tales and old gods, and so I thought I'd pick this up. Unfortunately, it's not in the same style with limited pictures, not written from an 'Alien' point of view, constantly mentions asteroid / meteor bombardment, and defines gravity in 'Feet per second squared'... Really!

A disappointing book and not up to Osprey's usual standards.

[Cj Zawacki · Rating 4 out of 5]

DO NOT, REPEAT DO NOT let this book fall into the hands, arm, thingumajigs of those aliens who abduct you. A fascinating read of how an alien culture would bring us down, and what would happen to all of us after.
David McIintee has written a thought book, with some great facts, on the happenings of a take over from an alien invasion.

[Andrew Tuttle · Rating 4 out of 5]

My Third Favorite how-to Book

A fun read, full of references to the wide body of alien invasion stories. The chapters are full of practical advice on conquering, occupying and defending your new prize, planet Earth.

[Ivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

A bit repetitive and not my style. Was entertaining at points but seemed to drag.

[John Somers · Rating 3 out of 5]

11/20.

[Stacy Kern]

Very random used book program selection.

[Brid-Aine · Rating 2 out of 5]

I remember this book I had when I was a kid (or at least I mostly remember it, because I can't remember the name of it!) that told you all about how to be a spy. I loved it, because it was full of "secrets" like dead-letterboxes and how to write in code and how to suss out if anyone had messed around in your stuff. Of course, it was also secretly teaching me bits and pieces about math, science, languages and keeping my room tidy without me realising it! We Will Destroy Your Planet: An Alien's Guide To Conquering The Earth reminds me a lot of this book.

The book is told, obviously, from the aliens' point of view and details exactly the environmental and militaristic challenges they'll be facing in their planned takeover of our planet. In the process, it points out that many of the previous (fictional) invaders have had rather harebrained schemes when it comes to destroying the planet and reminds our new prospective overlords that their troubles won't be over when the last bomb (or manually-aided meteor strike) has fallen - they'll still have their work cut out for them maintaining the place.

While it's clearly a letter of love to any and all sci-fi incarnations of alien invasions, it throws in a little potted military history and more than a dash of physics and astronomy for a book that older kids and young teenagers will probably love. It's fun to play match-that-alien-invasion from casual mentions dropped liberally into the text and learn a little along the way, but although I enjoyed the book, it was a little on the long side for a comedic look at an extraterrestrial attempt on the Earth and was also a bit repetitive in places, making it feel more like a book for a younger audience (or at least one that has less experience of science and science fiction).

[Barry Huddleston · Rating 4 out of 5]

*** Review copy provided by Osprey Publishing
*** Review posted on Gnostalgia

I love classic scifi, vintage horror, and dark humor. What could be more entertaining to someone like me than a book discussing methods and tactics for aliens conquering the world? We Will Destroy Your Planet is written as a how-to book for conquering the world.

Of course, the book is written for aliens who read English and who have a solid understanding of Earth’s scifi TV and movies *wink*. We Will Destroy Your Planet is not the type of book to over-think, at it’s heart it is a trivia book. I really enjoyed the excellent scifi trivia. As much as I love scifi, I have to admit that I was very impressed with the science fact. One the downside, the lines between the science fact and science fiction occasionally blurred (don’t they always).

The illustrations by Miguel Corimba were very good and I enjoyed them. Although a fun read for me, I think that this book may only appeal to the scifi fan with a dark sense of humor. I give We Will Destroy Your Planet 4 Star-ships out of 5.

[Jeff Soyer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, with a title like that, how could I not resist reviewing an advanced copy. The subtitle is, “An Alien’s Guide to Conquering the Earth.” It could also have been called Invading Earth for Dummies. We Will Destroy Your Planet, by David McIntee is set to be released November 19th but you can pre-order it now on Amazon. Should you?

I thought the book was rather fun. It’s a bit educational (facts about our planet) and also offers numerous techniques to invade, conquer, or just flat-out destroy (not so easy) the Earth. Additional tips for controlling the human population as well as pitfalls to avoid.

Besides offering his own ideas, McIntee also covers the attempted conquest of us in numerous other books, TV shows, and movies.

Would be sci-fi writers might find the book a useful source for ideas.

Fortunately, although this guide is aimed at an alien audience, by reading it ourselves, we humans will know what to be on the lookout for.

[Shellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fun book, not to be taken too seriously.(Though you may wish to heed the holes in our defences that can be exploited!)
It's a happy walk through reality making them a little more enjoyable and offers a speculative study provided for any invading extra-terrestrial force. The book takes the facts of military power(understandably considering the publisher) along side media reports of alien encounters and runs with the whole what if. From the history in the 1800s right through to the now, and even sparing a thought for those sorts that want to adopt a human pet.


Great for the geek in you and the B-Movie addict. I can see it appealing to a wide age range, those who might have out grown the Horrible Histories/Science type of narrative, those who like a little fun with their documentaries, and those of us that just never want to grow up!

(My thanks to the Osprey team for the advanced copy for a chance to read this book!)

[Jia Yue · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have an increasing habit of reading chapters out of order and spaced apart by months. Oh well.

The premise is interesting, and the subject matter full of delightful tidbits of knowledge that are engaging as well as practical, but the writing seems to me excruciatingly anthropocentric, as if the Earth natives were trying to accommodate what they think "aliens" would think. Much Earth slang and human cultural references are used (probably due to the poor quality of the translation). For example, the title itself: "We Will Destroy Your Planet: An Alien’s Guide to Conquering the Earth". The second-person "your" clearly refers to Earth natives. If this were really written by aliens, they would hardly refer to themselves as aliens in the sense Earth natives use them. This reeks of an attempt to put words in the mouths of alien peoples conjured up by a human's imagination.
If only this book was written with a defter hand and a more alien-centric approach.

[Ron · Rating 3 out of 5]

David McIntee has an interesting concept in this title. He writes from the viewpoint of an all-knowing outsider advising the would-be alien conqueror the ins and outs of taking over the earth. The writing is factual and advice is practical, but quite general in nature. There are no detailed plans, not hypothetical scenarios, provided. Not even a link to the Evil Mastermind list on the Internet. The list of novels/movies/television shows on alien attack/interaction is good, but very brief and misses some interesting recent books. Miguel Coimbra's illustrations provide some color to what some may consider a bland presentation. Overall, a decent read.

[Martha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Educational and Entertaining

This claims to be a manual for the conquest of Earth. It provides a lot of information about earth history, resources, geology, geography, etc. all in the context of aliens wishing to invade and conquer. It discusses the various methods of invasion and occupation and the problems that can occur. The latter part of the book is a discussion of several other "research materials" in the form of movies, books and television series.

Told in a fairly straightforward manner, the authors provide a lot of interesting information in an interesting manner.

[Tabby Shiflett · Rating 3 out of 5]

A funny handbook on how to take over the world, from an alien's point of view. The "manual" is put together well. The book includes a fair amount of historical tidbits, scientific facts, and Sci-Fi pop culture info. For Sci-Fi fans with a sense of humor.

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[Rebecca Lewis · Rating 2 out of 5]

I guess I was expecting something along the lines of a John Scalzi book with quirky characters and such. This is just a slightly humorous take on a CIA or State Department report, but for the Earth instead of just one country.

[Georgia (The Bibliomaniac Book Blog) · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5!

[Cat · Rating 2 out of 5]

a lot of good strong facts about our defences and earth in general. Got pretty repetitious though. Was okay.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny in a practical kind of way.

[Michael Ritchie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Flip flops between being interesting and witty to rather dry. But a good fun concept nonetheless, full of Easter eggs for sci fi fans to find.

[David Haverstick · Rating 2 out of 5]

The most interesting chapter is the final chapter which includes lists of popular alien invasion books, movies, etc. My opinion is just skip to here for a list of entertaining books you should read.