Neurodiversität und Nicht-Monogamie: More than two essentials

by Alyssa Gonzalez, Natacha Jill Colin (editor), Annika Kirschech (translator)

Neurodiversität und Nicht-Monogamie - wie passt das zusammen?In diesem Buch geht die Autorin Alyssa Gonzalez der Frage nach, ob nicht-monogame Beziehungsmodelle für neurodivergente Menschen geeignet sind. Sie spricht dabei aus der Perspektive als neurodivergente Transfrau, die sich einen neuen und anderen gesellschaftlichen Umgang mit Neurodiversität wünscht und sich für diesen einsetzt. So trägt auch das Buch Neurodiversität und Nicht-Monogamie dazu bei, den Blick der Mainstreamgesellschaft auf neurodivergente Menschen zu verändern und neue Perspektiven sowie Reflexionen zuzulassen. Gonzalez hat das Buch dafür in zwei Teile untergliedert. Im ersten fragt sie nach den Chancen, die die Nicht-Monogamie für neurodivergente Menschen bereithält und im zweiten Teil werden die Herausforderungen betrachtet.



Die Chancen der Nicht-MonogamieAlyssa Gonzalez betrachtet in diesem Teil des Buches, welche Chancen nicht-monogame Beziehungsmodelle für neurodivergente Menschen bereithalten - auch im Vergleich zu monogamen Konzepten. Dabei orientiert sich das Buch nicht an verschiedenen neurodivergenten Typen, sondern es werden unterschiedliche Aspekte, die durch die Neurodivergenz entstehen, durchgespielt. Es handelt sich dabei um Stärken, die durch die Bedürfnisse von neurodivergenten Menschen hervorgerufen werden und die für gelingende nicht-monogame Beziehungen sehr gut geeignet sind. Dabei wird der Mainstreamgesellschaft ein Spiegel vorgehalten, die Absurdität verschiedener Verhaltensmuster und Regeln aufgezeigt und mit Vorurteilen aufgeräumt.



Die Herausforderungen der Nicht-MonogamieIn diesem Teil werden die Schwierigkeiten, die durch die Verbindung mit Neurodiversität und Nicht-Monogamie auftreten können, benannt. Hierbei werden einzelne, mit der Neurodiversität einhergehende Aspekte betrachtet und danach gefragt, wie die Mainstreamgesellschaft diese behandelt und zu was für Problemen und Herausforderungen das führen kann. Die Autorin legt hier besonders den Fokus darauf, Tipps zu geben, um diese zu bewältigen. Denn die meisten Schwierigkeiten kommen von außen und erschweren ein gelingendes Leben. Doch in der Stärkung und den hilfreichen Hinweisen der Autorin liegt ganz viel Potenzial und Möglichkeit, die eigene Neurodiversität oder die der Mitmenschen neu und empowernd zu betrachten und gelingende Beziehungen zu führen.

Das Buch richtet sich an neurodivergente Menschen, die nicht-monogame Beziehungsmuster in Betracht ziehen oder praktizieren. Es zielt darauf ab, dass neurodivergente Menschen verstehen, wie gut sie für ein polyamores Leben geeignet sind, und soll ihnen dabei helfen, die Herausforderungen, die mit ihrer Neurodiversität in der Nicht-Monogamie einhergehen, zu erkennen und mit ihnen umzugehen. Darüber hinaus richtet sich dieses Buch auch an (potenzielle) Partner*innen von neurodivergenten Menschen, um sie darin zu unterstützen, verschiedene Perspektiven zu verstehen und so verständnisvolle, rücksichtsvolle und gut informierte Partner*innen zu sein.

Genres: Nonfiction, Polyamory, Relationships, Queer, Adhd, Audiobook, Self Help

63 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 17, 2023

Reviews

[zaynab · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were definitely parts of this book i resonated with. But I do feel as though discussing non-monogamy absent of concrete structural realities really misses the plot on some levels.

The lack of discussion about class, race, disability (outside of neurodivergence), etc felt weird to me. Neurodivergent people have high rates of unemployment. How does that impact the way they might aspire to be non-monogamous? (in ways that are good and complex).

The discussion about different stereotypes of neurodivergent girls that could be the pretext for abusive relationships could have equally been more extensive. Not all neurodivergent girls qualify to be a manic pixie dream girl, but they still experience IPV. How can polycules and polyam cultures help disrupt IPV in relationships? This could have been the place to discuss relationship red flags, ways to disrupt IPV that don’t involve police (since they’re not neurodivergent friendly either).

There really could have been more meat to this book, even if it’s part of an-off shoot series. Neurodivergent non-monogamists need resources that are well researched and not simply a cobbling together of blog posts into a book.

[Alex · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you've read any other book about Polyamory then this one has nothing of substance. If you're neurodivergent it really just points out obvious things you already know.
It's so short it would be better off as a blog post.
Overall very disappointing.

[Kella Hanna-Wayne · Rating 3 out of 5]

An easy and quick read, “Nonmongamy & Neurodiversity” states the intention to reach three main audiences: Neurodivergent (ND) people who are considering consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), ND’s who are currently practicing CNM, and Neurotypical (NT) people who want to better understand their ND partners.

For ND’s considering CNM, this should not be your first book on the subject but a companion to read once you’re already fully familiar with the basics. What this book does offer is significant validation if your experiences with monogamy have been harmful, compassionate descriptions of the challenges that may be ahead of you if you choose polyamory as your path, and loving encouragement for why doing so may bring you freedom.

For ND’s currently practicing CNM, this book’s primary accomplishment is to reflect and validate you in a world that rarely does so for ND’s. It may put into words ideas that you knew but had not been able to identify. However, the actionable advice in this book is extremely limited. There are a handful of suggested tools to address just three potential challenges ND’s may face in polyamory, but most of these tools would need further research or the assistance of a therapist to actually utilize.

For NT’s looking to deepen their understanding of the ND partner, this book should be read with your allyship hat firmly on your head and a commitment to not taking things personally. You will learn plenty about the kinds of challenges ND people face and perhaps gain insight into why they find certain tasks easier or harder than you’d expect. However, NT’s are not treated with much compassion in this book and are often named as the main source of pain and suffering for ND’s. This is not necessarily a problem but you should know going in that the value of this book for you is coming from consuming media that does not center or coddle you, in a society when you are used to being centered. Expect to craft your own plan for how to apply that knowledge after the fact.

Besides lacking in concrete examples of advice, “Nonmonogamy and Neurodiversity” has two main problems: The pacing of the book is unbalanced, such that sections that do not fulfill the stated purpose of the book are given extended passages; whereas sections that do deliver are rushed through, meaning that rich, complex ideas that have the potential to be incredibly helpful are given a couple lines of attention at most.

The second problem is that while the book claims to not focus on any one diagnosis, the challenges and strengths of ND people that are named are heavily weighted toward autistic people, with BPD and ADHD included in some sections. Issues such as insecure attachment, trauma triggers, memory, executive function or conflicting access needs are entirely absent. (Some of these topics are covered at length, however, in “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy,” also by Thornapple Press.) Despite being a neurodivergent nonmonogamous person who finds polyamory challenging, none of my specific challenges were ever touched on.

If you are an ND person who would benefit from seeing your own experiences in romantic relationships reflected in written form, this book will likely achieve that. However, if you are looking for guidance or advice, I would seek other resources.

[L.B. Tea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book resonated deeply. I sat next to my wife and boyfriend as I read, and every few minutes paused to say, “I feel called out.” Some of the chapters called to a past self, the one who felt alone and without community. The takeaways were simple, but in the end hopeful. Do you consider yourself weird or other? Don’t worry. You’re not alone. The behaviors that make us different can be our strengths. Communication may not be easy, but the effort to communicate clearly and define relationships unique to the individuals involved makes the experience worth it.

[Justus · Rating 3 out of 5]

sadly, not much to gain from this except some very basic knowledge about neurodivergence and non-monogamy. what made me buy this book was the final catchphrase in the blurb about how non-monogamy is "uniquely challenging and particularly worthwhile" for neurodivergent people. but that's not what the book gave me.
it stays very one-dimensional and shallow throughout, is barely scientific (almost no studies; no citations), and rather a personal story. which is not bad in itself, but definitely not what I expected from a book like this.
hard to say that, but a concise 10min video or blog post would have done just as well (and saved me 14€)

EDIT: As it is with moods, any experience is influenced by them, so is watching a movie or reading a short book such as this. The review will be affected by a very short period of time. So, after a second read, I updated from 2 to 3 stars. While the above still holds true, I found this sweet list of personal experiences insight- and helpful in some ways. Validating. Encouraging. Heartening. A short sweet read, but don't expect too much :)

[Forrest · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lowkey mid :(

The information isn't bad or incorrect--it's just that the organization/structure of this book is very off, making it feel like it is just a stream of conscious from someone who isn't an expert, but just has heard a collection of thoughts from around the internet and MAYBE an academic paper or two.

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had some really interesting content, but is extremely short. If it were longer and more fleshed out, I would definitely give it 5 stars. Still worth reading, but it's more like a long article than a book.

[Desert Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

My only negative review is that I wish it were longer!! This is a handy mini guidebook, peeking into the intersecting worlds of neurodiversity and non-monogamy. You learn tidbits on both the challenges and opportunities neurodivergent brains have with nonmonogamy. It makes so much sense to me that neurodiverse people would fall into this relationship style more often.

I’d recommend this book to anyone who is neurodivergent and interested in nonmonogamy AND anyone who is neurotypical who is dating a neurodivergent person!

Also, just a fun fact that I learned from this book is that “it is scientifically established that most humans (including NEUROTYPICAL) are bad at figuring out when people are flirting”, so no one is special here.

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a basic primer if you are Neurodivergent and considering non monogamy and/or if you are a neurotypical who has their very first Neurodivergent partner. It covers some experiences that may make non monogamy as a Neurodivergent easier or harder but isn't earth shattering in terms of revelation even at 100 ish pages.

Signed a Non monogamous person who has been educating since pre 2018 Twitter. Neurodivergent and disability advocate for 16 years.

[Avory Faucette · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a solo polyamorous AuDHD person, it certainly has not escaped me that my neurotype seems to mesh quite well with my approach to relationship! As a relationship and and sex educator, I often focused on deconstructing relationship and identity, helping folks to step off the relationship escalator and see all the scripts they were practicing that made absolutely no sense to me. “If folks just have the tools to see how basic labels for love and relationship don’t fully describe their experience, they’ll communicate so much better!” I thought.

After all, as soon as I dove deep into the details of relating and realized how many standard relationship assumptions are baseless, it really helped me to find self-actualization and effective ways of communicating my needs, my preferred relationship styles, and my boundaries. I wanted to share that with other people, because it was so transformative—what I missed at the time, though, was that a lot about how I theorized relationship and how soothing I found my approach actually came from my undiagnosed autism. Many of the relationship norms that were helpful for me to deconstruct and release were actually serving neurotypical folks just fine! And while a lot of neurotypical folks did learn useful concepts and a new perspective from my workshops, this “could I just have a detailed manual to your relationship style?” urge I was feeling probably stemmed in part from my own neurodivergent confusion.

In Nonmonogamy and Neurodiversity, author Alyssa Gonzalez offers a take that very much resonates with my own experience and what I’ve realized since that time about how the nonmonogamous community norm of introspection and DIY relationship styles was particularly appealing to my neurotype. It also covers some of the biggest challenges for neurodivergent nonmonogamous folks, and how we might mitigate them. The book is short and accessible, part of a series on nonmonogamy topics, and focused on the author’s first-person experience and theories as an autistic trans woman.

While I’d love to see something on this topic in expanded form, with research and stories from different contributors and a broader array of topics covered, as a quick primer this book offers a lot of food for thought and affirmation for specific challenges. The material is clear, concise, and well-organized, which neurodivergent brains will appreciate! The condensed format also makes it a reasonable ask for neurotypical partners to peruse as an introduction to the topic. A lot of the points Gonzalez makes I’ve noticed myself or seen conversation about on TikTok, but for neurodivergent reader who is either nonmonogamous or considering nonmonogamy and hasn’t been exposed to these discussions, I suspect it will be delightfully brain-massaging.

While some of the benefits of nonmonogamy may be obvious to certain neurotypes—being able to ignore the textbook understanding of what romantic and sexual relationships mean, for example, or operating in a culture where very explicit communication is celebrated—folks who have operated in fairly mainstream settings may not be aware of these benefits, or may get tripped up on the challenges of “managing” multiple relationships at once. This book doesn’t go super in-depth on what a nonmonogamous relationship is like, but it does highlight some of the upsides, particularly around communication and getting to design your own relationship, that a reader who mainly sees such relationships through the lens of taboo and stigma is likely to miss.

One of the biggest strengths of the book in my view is how it highlights the differences between neurodivergent and neurotypical brains and the ways our different approaches to relationship might create difficulties or confusion. For example, autistic folks who love having long-winded, super-specific conversations about a special interest may exhaust neurotypicals or not be seen as “serious” partners, while neurotypical conversations can easily bore us and feel burdensome. For some mixed relationships, nonmonogamy can be a helpful bridge where the neurotypical person enjoys us in small doses, and we get to be fully ourselves with several different partners.

Similarly, an ADHD person who is often seen as too scattered and impulsive might have trouble “settling down” in a monogamous commitment and not understand a partner who wants to do the same routine every night, but can find variety rotating among partners with different hobbies and habits. Or if we have sensory issues, are frequently seen as “too much” when we’re around all the time, or just need a lot of alone time to feel regulated, nonmonogamy gives us the option to date folks we might not be comfortable cohabiting with. And if we just straight-up get confused about the meaning of ambiguous terms like “dating,” nonmonogamy can provide us with some flexibility to figure out our own relationship styles.

On the flip side, we may also blame ourselves for stigmas and shitty treatment that we don’t realize is rooted in misunderstanding of our neurotype, while neurotypicals completely miss that they’re perpetrating harmful behavior. I appreciated the discussion of how neurodivergent people are often stereotyped as fitting into particular archetypes such as the robot or the manic pixie dream girl. All too often, I’ve seen how our relationship needs and personality traits are unfairly assigned a hierarchical value through these lenses—if we’re most interested in bonding around special interests, for example, those bonds might be seen as less serious to a neurotypical partner even though they have huge importance for us, or if we need to live separately we automatically get assigned “secondary” status. Folks with certain diagnoses like borderline personality disorder, Gonzalez points out, may even be seen as natural abusers or unstable when they’re actually especially vulnerable to abuse because of their neurotype.

While this treatment is sensitive and nuanced, there was one topic that I found surprisingly centered neurotypical needs. Gonzalez talks about how neurodivergent enthusiasm and confusion about social cues can be misunderstood as flirtation, which may anger a monogamous neurotypical partner. Certainly, nonomonogamy does have a benefit here—however, I’d also add that such confusion can subject a nonmonogamous neurodivergent person to unwanted advances that aren’t any less confusing (or in some cases disturbing) than they would be for a monogamous person.

In addition to the challenges of being stereotyped, Gonzalez discusses how rejection-sensitive dysphoria and alexithymia can make relationships especially challenging for neurodivergent people. These issues aren’t specific to nonmonogamy, but the complexity of nonomonogamous relationships and the simple fact that a person might be in more than one relationship at once can of course compound these issues. There are some basic tips included to address these challenges, but I think their inclusion is mainly important for awareness, since neurotypical partners may be completely clueless about what a neurodivergent person experiences in these areas.

I do wonder why there wasn’t more coverage of the benefits of neurodivergent relationships in the context of nonmonogamy. I can see the argument that mixed relationships are especially relevant to discuss, since monogamous mixed-neurotype relationships where one partner is neurotypical are so much less likely to work and be healthy for the reasons covered here. But I’ve also seen how nonmonogamy can have similar benefits when everyone involved is neurodivergent—for example when two neurodivergent people have different needs, both require variety or independence, or they just see nonmonogamy as a more logical model. Neurodivergent polycules have major advantages as a community care model, given how much trouble neurodivergent people tend to have finding relationships in general, and when everyone in a polycule understands the importance of prioritizing access intimacy and not making neurotypical assumptions about relationships, everyone can thrive.

Overall, I’d definitely recommend the book to both neurodivergent and neurotypical readers. It’s a conversation starter and a useful tool for raising awareness, as well as for expanding our perspectives on what relationships can look like.

[ARC provided through Edelweiss.]

[Paige or Indigo Rogalla INACTIVE · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was so short, sweet, and straight to the point which I really liked. There are too many times where authors drag on and on about a point that could be condensed to a sentence or two and just makes the book so much less interesting and long. This book was not that, thankfully.

I loved how the author touched on both neurodiversity and non-monogonomy both separately and then tied it together, bringing in both points from each community with how it influenced the other. I found many common experiences in this book and thought the author made a lot of sound points on what it means to be neurodiverse and how that can affect their status in other communities.

I appreciated the fact that the book was split up into two sections and addressed both the strengths and weaknesses that non-monogamy poses for the neurodiverse community. It felt very practical and straight to the point, and I found it very easy to read and understand as a neurodivergent person.

Lastly, the sections of this book were broken up beautifully and will be so easy for me to reference if I'm ever looking back trying to find and understand a specific subject. I'm glad I added this to my personal connection. It's a great introductory book that doesn't feel daunting or scary!

[Sofie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very interesting text about relationships and neurodiversity in general. So if you are neurodivergent, I recommend, although probably not a lot of new information. It was not necessarily very in dept about non-monogamy either, but I understand the correlolation now.

[Jesse · Rating 2 out of 5]

Three stars is a stretch for this short title Soni have settled on two, but i will admit I read this with a reasonable amount of bias, and experience fitting the outlined narrative. It was exceptionally brief, and while I wouldn't recommend it for anyone that also has done any self work around these topics, it may be just the bite sized book for sharing with friends, family, or new partners that want to understand at a basic level why we are here living this way.

Credit to Spotify premium for having this instantly accessible to so many people in their new audiobook section.

[Riley Black · Rating 5 out of 5]

Is this book useful if you are already neurodivergent and polyamorous: No
Is this book useful if you are either one, or neither of the above: Most likely

Most of the concepts are covered at surface level. Most of the time I thought they had finally got done explaining the introduction of a concept and were about to dive in deeper to the connections, implications, and analyses... but then they moved on to the next topic.

I still liked it and it was still pretty validating.

Rating 5 because the current rating is lower than I feel is fair

[Alicja · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s a tiny book with big letters that you get through very quickly. There’s some stuff there, but if you’ve read any basics about this topic before then it’s nothing new. TBH I’ve seen instagram posts that were more detailed and informative than this. Given that someone felt compelled to write a book about this I expected more from it. Gifted this to another neurodivergent friend for whom this was very novel and validating.

[Elaina Rowan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short but valuable!

Very short and could have some more detail however, it is incredibly effective at being a tool to understand why neurodivergent people might be perfectly suited for non-monogamy while identify potential issues that may arise for neurodivergent people as a jumping off point to learn more.

[Van Angelo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very short, easy, comprehensive read. I almost want to complain it could use more but I appreciate that the author admits to just being a person living this experience, not a professional in these fields. Learned some new words, and gave me some things to think on as someone who is neurodivergent and practices a relationship structure that’s closer to poly than monogamous

[Adrian · Rating 5 out of 5]

helpful and clear little read that gave me lots of inklings as a person with neurodiverse partners, and, maybe wondering myself. certainly some of the specific 'cons' and ways of dealing with them spoke to me and will trigger further investigation, discussion and introspection! so, thank you!

[Daphné Soucy-Gaudreau · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little too brief for my liking, but it's a good introduction for both of these subjects. I think it'd be a great recommendation for someone who's not too familiar with ENM, ND, or with the relation between the two.

[Jasper van Loo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty much pointing out the obvious. In the beginning, the writer told that they wouldn’t talk about diagnoses but as neurodivergence as a whole. However, later in the book, the main focus stayed on ADHD.

[Arden le Fey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. If you're neurodivergent and thinking about exploring polyamory, I couldn't recommend this little book more. It's a really quick read, I could have finished it in a day if I'd wanted to, and it's a great primer for what to expect from polyamory.

[Jaylani Adam · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't know about the topic of neurodiversity and how people can make love with different disabilities. I, therefore, have one and that is ADHD.

[Carrie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was not at all what I expected and frankly, I was disappointed.

[Cristan✨🪐 · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5⭐️

[Shawnee Darlene · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 🌟

[Kylie Noble · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very, very short! Feel like it needed fleshing out.

[EJ Häxan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best breakdown of neurodiversity I’ve heard in a hot minute, quick read.

[© · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,5***
interessante tekst over de intersectie van neurodiversiteit en enm, niet altijd even uitgediept maar wat kun je verwachten van een 84 pagina dik boekj

[Mylène Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book would be a nice first read for people new to non monogamy and people who are just starting to figure out their neurodivergence.

[Serena]

medio pelotudo y reduccionista bajo su propia definición de neurodiversidad