The Art of Disagreeing: How to Keep Calm and Stay Friends in Hard Conversations

by Gavin Ortlund

Learn from Jesus how to disagree with courage and kindness, avoiding divisive arguments.

In this positive and practical book, Gavin Ortlund looks to the Scriptures to discover a way in which to disagree with others that leads to greater understanding, peace, and love—and that shows a watching world something of Jesus.

This is a much-needed book in a society that is losing the ability to disagree well. Whether over politics, religion, or culture, or the more everyday issues of normal life, points of view tend to be held with a polarizing intensity. Often we enter disagreements feeling that we have to win or we avoid them altogether.

Looking to Jesus’ example of courage and kindness, readers will be given a framework for engaging in intense disagreements with a love that furthers instead of hinders relationships.

So, whether you tend to fight or flee, learn how to keep calm and stay friends—even when you don't agree.

Genres: Christian, Christianity, Christian Living, Audiobook, Nonfiction, Theology, Leadership

96 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2025

About the author

Gavin Ortlund (PhD, Fuller Theological Seminary) is senior pastor at First Baptist Church of Ojai in Ojai, California. He was previously a research fellow for the Creation Project at the Carl F. H. Henry Center for Theological Understanding at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He is the author of Finding the Right Hills to Die On, Theological Retrieval for Evangelicals, and Anselm's Pursuit of Joy.

Reviews

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful, especially the chapter on courage. Good stuff on cultivating soft skills, too. Such a helpful little resource.

[Matt Pitts · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m consistently helped and encouraged by Gavin Ortlund’s work. This one is short but still nuanced, gracious and challenging, biblical, practical, and timely. This might end up being our church’s summer book discussion book.

[Natalie Herr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Let’s have a round of applause for Mr. Ortlund 👏 👏 This book is gold and I should probably read it yearly (monthly? weekly?). I took notes! I took encouragement. I want to be known for my love, kindness, humility and courage in conversation and conflict. I want to be a good listener and the type of trustworthy, gracious conversationalist that Ortlund encourages his readers to be. Short and powerful — if only it was so easy to put it all into practice! May God help me to do just that.

[Ivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pointed and practical. Best of all, the author lives this out.

[Kevin Halloran]

A helpful little book. Recommended for all Christians, especially recommended for believers navigating disagreement. I like short, practical, and punchy books like this. (Edit: I'm now seeing the irony of calling this book 'punchy!')

[Brett Wiley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m very thankful for Gavin‘s ministry online and through his books. He consistently displays the virtues and practices he mentions in this book, and that makes what he says even more persuasive and meaningful.

In our age of rage, mob mentality on social media, and with the loss of our ability to disagree and still value and respect one another, books like this are indispensable. May the Lord raise up many Alyosha’s in the church in the days and years ahead.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good I read it twice within just a few months. At under 100 pages it's a book that anyone at any age could benefit from. Ortlund's advice is biblical and practical. Here are some of my favorite quotes:
"Kindness is consistent with toughness and shrewdness."
"There is a lot of fake courage in the world."
"Real courage doesn't feel macho. It feels vulnerable."
"We often assume that what we say is how we will move others. We think, in effect, 'If my argument is sound, they will have to agree with it!' Or perhaps we assume that speaking well and with passion is what will win them. But the biggest ingredient in an act of persuasion is simpler: does the listener trust the speaker? And especially: does the listener feel that the speaker cares for their welfare?"


For more reviews see the beehive.live.

[Josh G. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ortlund does it again. If every Christian (myself included) believed, received, and applied the truths in this book, our lives would be better and our witness would be (so much) stronger.

[Taliah Kendrick]

The Art of Disagreeing a short book that offers timely, practical wisdom for navigating challenging conversations with grace and conviction—a much needed resource.

[Austin Gannett · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good - great, practical content again from Gavin. Between this book, his book on Humility, and Finding the Right Hills to Die On, I think he should write a book on Christian virtues or the Fruit of the Spirit. So pastoral.

Some will think the topic is niche (but, it’s not - it’s actually the water/world we swim in). It’s not niche, but needed and necessary!

Grateful for this little book.

[Tryphena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super solid and very concise. The importance of kindness, courage, listening, persuasion, and love in discussions & disagreements was clearly emphasized & tied back to the gospel!
I was also very impressed at how many pop culture references were included in such a small and theologically sound book, including (but not limited to): Tom Petty, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and Lord of the Rings

[Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the words of Jaden “Classic Ortlund brother W”

[Alfred van de Weg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Een wijs boekje. In kort bestek klassieke en Bijbelse inzichten en concrete handreikingen voor omgaan met polarisatie in kerk en samenleving.

[Barry · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 stars (= good)

This is a pretty helpful little guide showing how we can have disagreements with others while maintaining our relationships, and get our points across without being jerks. Of course it all comes down to love. It’s important to love those with whom we disagree, and it’s also important that they can actually see it. Ortlund here provides further practical advice.


Here are a few passages I highlighted:

“Essentially, about half of human beings act like rhinoceroses: the other half, like hedgehogs. Rhinos are aggressive, charging when threatened. Hedgehogs are more defensive, using their prickles as a shield…If you are a rhino, healthy disagreement will be difficult because it requires more restraint than you would naturally be inclined to show. You may have moments when you feel like "charging," and it might even feel like the right thing to do—but you actually need to tap the brakes. (Often we realize this only afterwards, once the temperature has cooled!)
“But if you're a hedgehog, healthy disagreement will be difficult because it requires more boldness than you would naturally be inclined to show. You may have moments when you feel like hiding, but you actually need to embrace the vulnerability of leaning forward into the disagreement. Where you would normally pull back, you have to speak up.”


‘Consider questions that begin with phrases such as "Help me understand" or "I'm curious why...” or "What did you mean by...?" Another strategy is to summarize a position and then inquire if your summary is satisfactory: "What I think you are saying is...Have I got that right so far?" Oftentimes questions are far more powerful than statements in advancing the truth in a conversation.’


“Make it your goal to assume the best, within reason. Err on the side of naïveté rather than cynicism. Not only is this much more productive, but it's actually a lot more fun. Your own heart will feel lighter and happier along the way. Wishing others well, and thinking well of them, is a happier way to live.
“Finally, when you are confronted with strong or dogmatic opinions, remember that there may be pain lying underneath these views that you cannot see. A friend recently shared with me that trauma can have a role in producing dogmatism. As I reflected on this, it helped me understand the modern world so much better. The entire world is, in some respects, in trauma.”

[Jared Greer · Rating 5 out of 5]

As others have noted, this is a very simple book; its content is fairly basic. But I think anyone who has spent more than 30 seconds on X knows that we can afford to go back to the basics. This does what it sets out to do, and its brevity and simplicity make it great for sharing with others. Recommended!

[Samuel Kassing · Rating 5 out of 5]

A primer on heartfelt civility amid disagreement.

[Ellie (elliehojreads) · Rating 5 out of 5]

A succinct and powerful little book. Every Christian needs to read this. It was a perfect mix of practical skills in handling disagreements and pointing the reader to Jesus. I loved how the book was structured as Ortlund tackled disagreements in the context of kindness, courage, listening, persuasion and love. I feel empowered and prepared to engage in disagreements with others in order to learn how to do it in a healthy way.

My prayer as I was reading this: Lord, open up opportunities to experience disagreements with other believers and when they do happen, help me to engage in healthy disagreements that ultimately bring us closer together.

[Ashton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disagreements don't need to cause a relationship to crumble. Disagreements should deepen relationships. How is this possible? Through love (and Love). This is what Gavin Ortlund sets out to address in this short, convicting and impactful read.

The truth is, how Christians treat one another matters. For, it is Jesus who says explicitly that we would be known by our love for one another (Jn 13:35). This means that all eyes are on us. The world is watching.

So, how can we disagree well?

The approach might look a little different for rhinos (inclination to charge) versus hedgehogs (inclination to hide), but regardless, we should seek to please Christ, build up our brothers and sisters and wish others well, even in our disagreement.

Ortlund lays this out with five points to aid Christians in developing this understanding (yes, that means that this book only has five chapters): We must engage with kindness; we must listen, even to the degree that we'd be willing to change our stance based on what we hear; we must engage with persuasion; and we must do all of that while honoring the truth in love, for truth without love is insufficient and ugly.

I recommend this short book to Christians everywhere looking to faithfully engage in love with their brothers and sisters during disagreements.

[Nate Jacques · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely worth reading. The honest and unfortunate truth I have noticed over the years is that Christians are often very unpleasant people to disagree with. This is understandable, considering how weighty most Christian’s disagreements may appear. Disagreements among Christians have a unique way of turning tertiary disagreements into matters of “Gospel compromise” and disagreements in political voting behaviors to be cause for separation. Across this backdrop, Gavin excellently contends for pleasant disagreements among brothers and sisters. Learning the art of disagreeing could turn theological watch-dogs into gentle shepherds. I highly recommend to everyone.

[Jonathan Mills · Rating 4 out of 5]

This phenomenal little book speaks so well into our moment. We often fail in our culture, both in the world and the church, to "achieve disagreement." Something in our individualistic selves also seems anemic to being persuaded at all. Gavin can help us solve these problems if we follow his lead here in "The Art of Disagreeing." I highly recommend this book!

[Eelinh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well balanced and practical approach to disagreeing well. Mainly geared towards disagreements among believers but a lot can be practically implemented in disagreements with unbelievers.

"...the ability to engage in healthy disagreement is a good general test of maturity."

"The art of disagreeing rests on the presence of real love."

[Jack Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really great, convicting and helpful read (or listen). I was challenged at several points — and yet this book doesn’t merely challenge, it offers practical pathways towards better ways of disagreeing. I highly recommend it.

[Brooke Witte · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was not profound in any way and that fact really bothered me at first. But then I realized that, when it comes to communication and relationships, the most simple habits are the ones we need to be diligent about. If you had asked me about what elements make up a healthy argument or debate, I probably would have listed most mentioned in this book. Yet, I still need to be reminded of them. I think this is a good read to start a conversation on how to handle disagreement and is also a good reference to have when you are in the process of working through discord. It's also a quick read/audiobook listen and could easily be finished in one day.

[Rosalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Important, helpful, concise, gentle. I'll need to reread!

[David J. Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this on a flight last week and have already put some of these principles into practice. They have helped. I’m also going to consult my highlights for tough conversations.

Unmistakably Christian, practically helpful, overall, invaluable.

[Rachel Dick · Rating 5 out of 5]

A short but practical book! There are a lot of helpful ideas and tactics here as we work to disagree with one another in all truth and love.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone who sees this review… PLEASE do me a favor and read this book before the holidays. Or just in general.

[Jeffrey · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Short, solid resource on handling disagreements. The first half was fine, but it really clicked for me in the second half! There were several quotes that I found really helpful.

“Remember to give the benefit of the doubt. In any conversation, there will be some level of ambiguity in what the other party is saying. We can fill in the blanks in a way that assumes the worst, or that assumes the best, or that lands somewhere in the middle. Make it your goal to assume the best, within reason. Err on the side of naïveté rather than cynicism. Not only is this much more productive, but it's actually a lot more fun. Your own heart will feel lighter and happier along the way. Wishing others well, and thinking well of them, is a happier way to live.”

[Adriann Saint · Rating 4 out of 5]

a very short and easy read! very practical and loving. the author makes a lot of good points. encourages people to listen well, that the world needs more gentleness, that we do not always see how others are suffering. but also encourages discernment and boldness.

a side point: he suggested that covid may have pushed people towards fundamentalism/ dogmatism on both sides. i’m intrigued by that and gonna have to ask some people what they think about that!

[Emily Waits (emilylovesreading_) · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Thank you to @thegoodbookcompanyusa for my gifted copy of this title in exchange for an honest review.]

“The art of disagreeing rests on the presence of real love. And this love must start in our hearts with a deep acceptance of what Christ has done for us on the cross. The more we appreciate the magnitude of what he has done for us-providing full forgiveness and new life—the more we can carry this love with us into our relationships with others, especially our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.”

At under 100 pages, this short but powerful book is sure to be an excellent resource for anyone seeking to better navigate difficult conversations in this divisive age.

The introduction of this book covers why disagreement is hard and the subsequent sections cover: kindness, courage, listening, persuasion, and love. This helpful, little book is both theologically rich and exceedingly practical. 🙌🏻

Definitely recommend!