The Higher Desire Wife: Understanding and Help for Christian Women Navigating Mismatched Sex Drives

by J. Parker, Dr. Jessica McCleese (foreword)

A husband always wants more sex than his wife, right? Many marriage resources make that assumption, but up to 25 percent of marriages have a higher desire wife! While these women are not alone, they may feel that way as standard sex advice doesn't address their needs. They may even feel like there is something wrong with them or they should be ashamed of their high sex drive.

Author and speaker J. Parker has been there. In The Higher Desire Wife, she pairs extensive research and personal stories to help the higher desire wife nurture healthy and holy intimacy in her marriage. In these frank and compassionate pages, you'll learn how to

· understand potential causes of your husband's lower sex drive
· approach the topic with him in a loving and effective way
· find solutions and compromises to close the desire gap

God designed marriage to fulfill both husband and wife. J. Parker comes alongside you as a trusted friend to help you understand that you're normal, you're not alone, and things can get better.

288 pages, Paperback

Published March 18, 2025

Reviews

[Jeanette Durkin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be interesting and informative! This book outlines helpful information for women whose sexual drive is higher than their husbands. The author provides hope, advice, and even scriptures to help women as they walk this path. I found a lot of wisdom and practical ways to apply this information in my own life.
I won this book from Baker Books via LibraryThing!

[Hope · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciated that this author was very genuine, sympathetic, and aware of multiple different root causes, and yet also firm that Christian wives have to be Christians even when things are not going their way. I love that she never made exceptions to the rule that we need to be submissive, respectful, compassionate, selfless, and kind. I'm always wary when reading Christian books written for women because many of them take a feminist approach and twist Scripture to their own ends, so it was a blessing to read counsel that was faithful to the Word.

Although a part of me is really resistant to the idea of Christians going to therapy, there is a time and a place for therapy, and I think this specific issue is probably one of those. Some issues are too sensitive or delicate to be talked about with friends or even brought up in pastoral counseling where there's a real risk of the existing relationship being negatively impacted. I appreciated that the author didn't begin with recommending therapy, but at the same time didn't treat it as a last resort; she seemed to have a balanced approach to when therapy is appropriate.

This book is a good example of the field of psychology being redeemed by and for Christians through integration with Scripture and Christian doctrine.

I also really appreciated the mature and discreet approach that the author had. I think in many Christian circles we have recognized that we need to be having conversations about sex, and that not talking about it and pretending it doesn't exist is unhealthy and weird. But, in those same circles, because Christians haven't talked about sex for a long time, we don't know how, so we just fall off on the other side of the horse—discretion is often wanting, such that oversharing, inappropriately intimate advice (some church lady you barely know decides it's her role to discuss your intimate life with you since she thinks, often rightly, that no one else is doing it), and indulgent crassness or silliness take the place of measured counsel.

Going deep for the public here: A book is a great alternative to an awkward conversation. I would honestly have been happier to receive this book than any of the lingerie I received before my wedding lmao. I especially loved her last few chapters where the author mentioned that many people think the wife just needs to put on something sexy and be flirtatious. This was certainly the assumption by women in my community who gifted me items I didn't ask for, perhaps not realizing that neither my husband nor I believe lingerie is appropriate for Christian marriages (fine if you disagree, we're just not into that).

There is a trend, and I think a big push right now, for Christians to celebrate married sex more openly. I've seen a lot of articles online advocating for lingerie showers for Christian brides, for example. I certainly agree that we need to overturn the common perceptions that marriage is where sex goes to die and that having less sex means being more holy, but at the same time, that doesn't make it a good idea to be throwing Christian bachelorette parties where people share freely about their own sex lives with their own husbands. I wonder if people are really thinking about the impact that they are having with that information. Does your husband know you are sharing that and is he okay with it? Is the person you're sharing it with going to be able to come over for dinner at your house in the future and not feel awkward around your husband now that she knows everything about his intimate life? Are you setting expectations for a bride who is now going to be comparing her intimate life to what you have shared? Are you fostering more doubt and confusion than you are clearing up? Like a ring of gold in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.

So, this is going on my list of books that can be helpful for new brides who want to start their married sex life well but don't want to have a weirdly personal conversation about it. Personally, I read it not because I think my husband has a low sex drive but because we both have normal ones, and I was starting to get annoyed at all the marriage advice I was hearing that's foregrounded on the assumption that Christian wives are frigid and have to be biblically convicted to give their husbands sex. This book didn't actually meet the specific niche I was looking for, but it was helpful to know that I'm not the only woman who doesn't have a responsiveness problem.

Is this an entire Substack article that I compressed into a Goodreads book review?

[Keilah Villa · Rating 5 out of 5]

20-25% of marriages have a higher desire wife. If you are one of them, this book is for you! Don't let embarrassment stop you from reading because the content within could help turn your marriage around. J. Parker spends most of the book explaining the factors that affect a husband's lower drive (and yes, there are many!) She encourages wives to approach the problem biblically and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. She provides helpful conversation starters and ideas for wives to try. I appreciate how much research went into this book. The author isn't just spouting opinion - she cites many studies, interviews, and personal experiences to support what she shares. You will feel understood and equipped when you are done reading this book. Thank you, Baker Book House, for my early reviewer copy of this book!

[K.M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fast read, well organized information.

This is a book I would recommend reading either during a struggle or as a couple early in the relationship. It covers lots of topics, from past trauma, to the desire gap, to health concerns, and backsliding into sin. It could be utilized as a guide to have difficult conversations together and come up with plans on how to address concerns and issues before the become a part of the marriage.

[Pam Mooney · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well written and researched book with ALL the answers. If you have a specific question or need you can open to a specific chapter with that topic. It is good, however, to read the whole book as you will find perspective and understanding of the big picture. A combination of the care and compassion of a friend and the frank answers of a doctor. A good read.

[Erica Gladmon · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is way more focused on “what could be wrong with your husband.” The beginning of the books makes an attempt at saying, “you are not alone” and normalizing being the higher drive spouse, but then gives reasons for why a husband’s drive might be lowered.

[Guinevere Wagner · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book should have been titled “The Lower Desire Husband” because the content far and away centered around the man’s point of view. Ugh.