“Must I consume to love?
Must I be consumed by love?
I trust you know the answer, pollinated by
beetles 95 million years ago. I pluck your sturdy petals, make
tea. Imagine I can read the desiccated pulp. A kind of sacrament
to taste and be tasted. When I am one day buried in the dirt, I offer my
frame, tissue, heart. You didn’t ask me to live on like this. I’m asking you.”
“An Anchor Is an Argument
Growing up, I despised the metronome,
its insistence on orderly time, the lie.
Counting the seconds between flash & stampede
in my childhood bed—storms full of horses.
A woman in the night must be sensitive to sound
in case the sound has a motive.
Anchor is an argument.
A child is the wrong technology for dreaming.
I play Comptine d’un autre été
whenever I come across a piano.
I play with feeling,
but I can never remember the ending”
“I’d draw you a map if it would not divide.
We contain landscapes.
They do not belong to us.”
“Do to me what sunlight does to a river.”
“The woods quiet except for their pulse”
“The difference between a river and a creek is that
from a creek, no new branches are formed.”
“I feared the door. Someone coming to take
my parents away”
“Golden grass stains both my knees.
I say sorry. I say thank you.
I say please.”
“The forest knows
there are needed fires,
and fires birthed by selfishness”
“Rage seems ordinary, easy enough.
But it takes something from you
to travel there.”
“Parts of me are dying.
I don’t have to walk the cemeteries
to speak to them.
To hide or seek might look the same.
What I’m looking for
is subvocal.”
“Undoing takes more effort than
you’d think. Here, the subject was supposed to
be a child. Able to take a joke.
What makes a child serious could be called
devotion. It is beyond obedience.”
“When devotion is self-betrayal,
the body knows. The first time I fainted,
I was a choirgirl. Someone caught me just
before I hit my head. Damn pillar. The saints &
clergy in the dome’s 3,000-square-foot
mural looking down on me. Our Lady
of Częstochowa crowned in ten pounds of gold.
Jackowo, center of Polonia. Three
steeples visible from the Kennedy
Expressway. Glazed terracotta, brick & stone.
Three pairs of heavy bronze doors I never
touched. Girl or woman, holy only
what’s done to me. I don’t agree. Still, that
story leaves a mark. I rarely touch myself.”
“To be abandoned
by dreaming. A woman acted upon.
But I move otherwise. That a daughter
carries the desire of many mothers before”
“I long to
plant flowers there. Dry them upside down”
“My father calls me his American dream
A good daughter is a secret keeper
I suppose I am to live like a kind of evidence”
“Sorry for Taking
so long to call back
the first time the phone
rang I was beneath a
bridge when you rang
again the roar of cars and
cargo overhead made it too
loud to hear you sense of
sea partially obscured
by traffic but felt
when the phone rang
a third time I thought I
could be beneath
you could be water
on the other line if your
voice weren’t so ironed-on
when I answer I don’t ask
if you still iron your shirts
every morning I let you
talk coral tone once
hot pink got too hot
bleached further down
darkness giving shelter
to shells mouthing
open and close when
I hang up I’m sweating I
feel the plastic floating
toward everything”
“It has an appetite”
“Let landscapes
skip rocks across our faces
pressed up against the glass. Tell me a story.
Tell me everything”
“I’m not sure a daughter can ever be grateful enough”
“Easy to confuse habit with ritual,
ritual with devotion, devotion with desire”
“a friend saying, jealousy is good because it is a
form of protection, but what if protection is a form of harm?”
“Sometimes I think of God while washing my feet
I think of where I have not walked my longing
to go further”
“I Defer Pleasure
Let it build. Become
a wall. Then four.”
“First a house, a block,
then a whole city of wanting”
“I argue as though I can change my father”
“Great Polish poets were born in cities that no longer belong to Poland. Now Lithuania, Belarus, Ukraine. My people claim the imagined place”
“Each time Poland was erased, the Wisła river remained”
“We climb to see the river at dusk, a different scale, tilting: past-future, future-past.”
“Avoiding great pleasure
to avoid great pain
is a kind of obedience
antithetical to music”
“Drought or torrent, someone works
the land. Along the Pacific,
someone picks fruit I know the name of.”
“To try
to contain anything is
to rid it of water. Admit that
the water is rising.
Admit that
you need a flood.”
“the digital
leaves teeth marks on my thinking. I can feel the presence
of screens in my memory, exerting pressure.”
“I’m obsessed with gerunds, their ongoingness”
“Ecotones
Little birds whose names I don’t know,
underbellies a shock of citrus”
“O tenderness, I’m walking toward you.
Why are you pulling away?”
“Even water has a price.
I was taught it must be sanctified
to be considered holy.”
“Self-Portrait as Hélène Delmaire’s Painting of a Woman in the Bathtub
whose face you cannot see. Head to knees,
back bare, shoulders sloped toward shadow.
I bow to the ache. Surrender in
the color between greens: my thinking
serpentine: cinching the waist of the world.
The bathwater is still, but the walls
are moving. When two paths cross, the colors
bleed. Muddied pinks, burst of rivered yellow.
Winter in the plains. How when spring came,
it was earned. I am listening for
the echo of a bell beneath my tongue.
The condition of woman is to stay.
The condition of woman is to grieve.”
“Acid Reflux
Did it make a home inside
your chest? What is the softest thing
you’ve ever held hostage? At what age
did you first hide your truest
feeling? What feeling then
eclipsed the truer one?
Who did you blame?”
“There’s What I Think and What I Feel
and I don’t always know which is mine.
Cheek pressed against wood once alive.
When I see the cross on the hill
near Pilgrimage Bridge, part of me is kneeling
inside. I can’t turn away fast enough.
Someone else’s dreams were stitched
to this connective tissue before
I could give permission.”
“Sometimes I pray
before meals, more often forget, spitting out
little bones from the same mouth I kiss my lover with.”
“In vespertine woods,
I tried to read moss
by hand. There’s
something laconic
about green that I need.”
“Self splits from self.
Is it chaos, or the order of things?”
“I think the future wants something from me.
•
There are many lives I will never live.”
“I think God has a sense of humor. I can feel God laughing at me.”
“we do not have to burn
anything to taste fire
and that which doesn’t seem to make a sound
is a sound inside resounding.”
“Rocks fall
in and out of love with time.”
“Do we choose the questions
our lives ask?
•
A hundred questions I want to ask
my great-grandmother, whose face I can only
imagine. From what scraps I’ve gathered from
her untold life, she belonged most to God.”
“I am looking for the place
where the trees unmake our image.
I came to dig”