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No One Taught Me How to Be a Man: What a Trans Man's Experience Reveals about Masculinity
An exploration of manhood and what it takes to be a good man in a world of toxic masculinity, from trans author Shannon Kearns.
No one ever taught Shannon Kearns how to be a man. As a trans man, Shannon was presumed female at birth and constructed his relationship with masculinity after his transition, using bits and pieces he gathered from the world around male behavior, pop culture portrayals, and cultural expectations for men that seemed to be in the air he breathed. But rather than separating him from the experiences of cisgender men, Kearns's self-taught approach to masculinity connected him with other men in surprising ways. As he lived more and more in the world of men, he discovered that cis men's relationship to masculinity was similar to his. No one taught them how to be a man either. They worried they were doing it wrong. And they were almost universally worried about being "found out," exposed as not being a "real man."
In No One Taught Me How to Be a Man, Kearns takes masculinity head-on. He uses his experience to "see" gender in ways cis men cannot, making masculinity visible. Without arguing that masculinity should be done away with, or that there is no real difference between men and women, he bravely points toward a form of manhood built for the well-being of the world, and for people of all genders.
No one ever taught Shannon Kearns how to be a man. As a trans man, Shannon was presumed female at birth and constructed his relationship with masculinity after his transition, using bits and pieces he gathered from the world around male behavior, pop culture portrayals, and cultural expectations for men that seemed to be in the air he breathed. But rather than separating him from the experiences of cisgender men, Kearns's self-taught approach to masculinity connected him with other men in surprising ways. As he lived more and more in the world of men, he discovered that cis men's relationship to masculinity was similar to his. No one taught them how to be a man either. They worried they were doing it wrong. And they were almost universally worried about being "found out," exposed as not being a "real man."
In No One Taught Me How to Be a Man, Kearns takes masculinity head-on. He uses his experience to "see" gender in ways cis men cannot, making masculinity visible. Without arguing that masculinity should be done away with, or that there is no real difference between men and women, he bravely points toward a form of manhood built for the well-being of the world, and for people of all genders.
224 pages, Hardcover
Published April 15, 2025
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1265 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
June 18, 2025
Disclaimer: I'm not a man, either cis or trans. I requested this ARC because I had the impression that its discussion of masculinity was intended for a general audience interested in questions of gender and gender presentation. But it's really a self-help book for men (cis and trans, queer and straight and everything in between). I can only review it as myself (queer, cis woman), so one question I can answer is "What -- and how much -- did I learn about masculinity and men's relationship to it?"
The answer is "Not nothing, though not nearly as much as I might have hoped." I was struck by Shannon Kearns's (unfortunately brief) discussion of the contradiction between notions of how men "should" be big and powerful and take up a lot of space, and the ways in which received ideas of the masculine serve to shrink men by limiting their emotional range and expressiveness and making intimacy much more difficult to achieve than it typically is for women. And Kearns is certain that many or most men struggle with the perception that they're never enough and can't get it right, whatever "it" is in any given context. --Though I think many or most people of whatever gender struggle, at least sometimes, with those same feelings?
Kearns's autobiographical passages, in which he describes how he formed his own understanding of masculinity as he first acknowledged that he was trans and then embarked on transition, include plenty of sharp insights, as do his readings of trans men's memoirs and of some pop-psych/pop-sociology books about men and masculinity. I am grateful never to have happened across some of those books myself, because yikes.
I also appreciated Kearns's step-by-baby-step suggestions for how men might enlarge their sense of what's possible within any definition of masculinity -- for instance, learning to build intimacy with male friends, beginning with asking them how they felt, say, about some health news or a problem at work.
But who's going to read this book? Or rather, I'd guess that the men most in need of it, men in thrall to a rigidly individualistic and aggressive ideal, are the least likely to pick it up. So Kearns is preaching to the choir. Of course, I don't know what a book on the subject would have to do to reach those men.
Speaking of the choir, Kearns grew up in a fundamentalist Christian community and is now a priest of the "Old Catholic" sect, which is confusing as h-- uh, which is confusing, because the Old Catholics seem to be theologically and politically right-wing, as Kearns clearly isn't.
[ETA: Please see the comment by Micah, below, explaining that there's a progressive form of Old Catholicism. I didn't find any reference to it online and I'm glad to know it exists and to be set straight on this point.]
"No One Taught Me How to Be a Man" discusses his faith but doesn't shove it down the reader's throat -- despite my grave allergy to religion, I wasn't too put off. Still, something to bear in mind for anyone who's considering the book but whose experiences of religious institutions are even more poisonous than mine were.
Like (almost) all self-help books, "No One Taught Me How to Be a Man" suffers from repetitiveness, from the making of obvious points, and from self-help-speak. If Kearns makes a suggestion or a point once, he makes it half a dozen times. So much baggy prose! And so many "spaces"! So much "showing up"! With tight editing, with some sharpening of the prose -- at, say, two thirds of its present length -- this would have gotten four stars from me, and I'm a bit sorry not to be able to deliver them.
Thanks to Broadleaf Books and NetGalley for the ARC.
The answer is "Not nothing, though not nearly as much as I might have hoped." I was struck by Shannon Kearns's (unfortunately brief) discussion of the contradiction between notions of how men "should" be big and powerful and take up a lot of space, and the ways in which received ideas of the masculine serve to shrink men by limiting their emotional range and expressiveness and making intimacy much more difficult to achieve than it typically is for women. And Kearns is certain that many or most men struggle with the perception that they're never enough and can't get it right, whatever "it" is in any given context. --Though I think many or most people of whatever gender struggle, at least sometimes, with those same feelings?
Kearns's autobiographical passages, in which he describes how he formed his own understanding of masculinity as he first acknowledged that he was trans and then embarked on transition, include plenty of sharp insights, as do his readings of trans men's memoirs and of some pop-psych/pop-sociology books about men and masculinity. I am grateful never to have happened across some of those books myself, because yikes.
I also appreciated Kearns's step-by-baby-step suggestions for how men might enlarge their sense of what's possible within any definition of masculinity -- for instance, learning to build intimacy with male friends, beginning with asking them how they felt, say, about some health news or a problem at work.
But who's going to read this book? Or rather, I'd guess that the men most in need of it, men in thrall to a rigidly individualistic and aggressive ideal, are the least likely to pick it up. So Kearns is preaching to the choir. Of course, I don't know what a book on the subject would have to do to reach those men.
Speaking of the choir, Kearns grew up in a fundamentalist Christian community and is now a priest of the "Old Catholic" sect, which is confusing as h-- uh, which is confusing, because the Old Catholics seem to be theologically and politically right-wing, as Kearns clearly isn't.
[ETA: Please see the comment by Micah, below, explaining that there's a progressive form of Old Catholicism. I didn't find any reference to it online and I'm glad to know it exists and to be set straight on this point.]
"No One Taught Me How to Be a Man" discusses his faith but doesn't shove it down the reader's throat -- despite my grave allergy to religion, I wasn't too put off. Still, something to bear in mind for anyone who's considering the book but whose experiences of religious institutions are even more poisonous than mine were.
Like (almost) all self-help books, "No One Taught Me How to Be a Man" suffers from repetitiveness, from the making of obvious points, and from self-help-speak. If Kearns makes a suggestion or a point once, he makes it half a dozen times. So much baggy prose! And so many "spaces"! So much "showing up"! With tight editing, with some sharpening of the prose -- at, say, two thirds of its present length -- this would have gotten four stars from me, and I'm a bit sorry not to be able to deliver them.
Thanks to Broadleaf Books and NetGalley for the ARC.
October 8, 2025
I will read pretty much anything about masculinity and femininity, which is probably the only reason I finished this book.
This is, I think, supposed to be a rousing call for men to Do Better, written by one of their own. It is actually part memoir part Johnny-come-lately criticizing the natives. It's hard to escape the impression that the book was written by someone who spent the first half of their life uncomfortable as a woman and the second half uncomfortable as a man. The blame for all the discomfort lies squarely with (white cishet) men.
Not that I disagree with this book. I agree with almost all of it. If I got something out of this book, it's that men would all be better people if they spent the first half of their lives as women. But therein lies the main problem with the book. "Who is it written for?" I wondered and wondered as I read about how white cis males are all misguided but can Do Better if they really try. The target audience is not going to read this. Kearns says in the intro that his book is not political, but that's a laugh; literally the stereotype of the leftist so deeply marinated in his own sub-culture that he thinks not hectoring his audience, and doing The Labor of Educating, makes his message centrist.
I was on the fence over whether to hand my husband this book and ask for his take. Then I came across the Entitlement story: Kearns had recently begun transitioning to male and asked his wife to get him a glass of water. The women present were offended at his entitlement. He was flabbergasted, because the same request pre-transition would not have gotten a blink.
I read this aloud to my husband, and his take was the same as mine: in a mutually affectionate relationship, if your spouse asks for a glass of water, it doesn't matter if they're male or female (especially if it changes week to week). Kearns wants to throw the full weight of thousands of years of patriarchy behind this request, so that it's no longer innocent laziness. That is no way to have a private relationship. At least, not a successful one. That marriage *did* end in divorce, but Kearns believes the attitude that broke it was valid. I think it's crazy.
And that's more or less my review.
This is, I think, supposed to be a rousing call for men to Do Better, written by one of their own. It is actually part memoir part Johnny-come-lately criticizing the natives. It's hard to escape the impression that the book was written by someone who spent the first half of their life uncomfortable as a woman and the second half uncomfortable as a man. The blame for all the discomfort lies squarely with (white cishet) men.
Not that I disagree with this book. I agree with almost all of it. If I got something out of this book, it's that men would all be better people if they spent the first half of their lives as women. But therein lies the main problem with the book. "Who is it written for?" I wondered and wondered as I read about how white cis males are all misguided but can Do Better if they really try. The target audience is not going to read this. Kearns says in the intro that his book is not political, but that's a laugh; literally the stereotype of the leftist so deeply marinated in his own sub-culture that he thinks not hectoring his audience, and doing The Labor of Educating, makes his message centrist.
I was on the fence over whether to hand my husband this book and ask for his take. Then I came across the Entitlement story: Kearns had recently begun transitioning to male and asked his wife to get him a glass of water. The women present were offended at his entitlement. He was flabbergasted, because the same request pre-transition would not have gotten a blink.
I read this aloud to my husband, and his take was the same as mine: in a mutually affectionate relationship, if your spouse asks for a glass of water, it doesn't matter if they're male or female (especially if it changes week to week). Kearns wants to throw the full weight of thousands of years of patriarchy behind this request, so that it's no longer innocent laziness. That is no way to have a private relationship. At least, not a successful one. That marriage *did* end in divorce, but Kearns believes the attitude that broke it was valid. I think it's crazy.
And that's more or less my review.
April 24, 2025
Edit: Bumping up the rating in support of trans folk, given the harrowing turn in the states and likely repercussions the world over. Actual rating: 2-3 stars.
I want to start by thanking the author for bravely sharing his story with vulnerability and in pursuit of better masculinities for everyone.
Yet, I'm afraid that this text doesn't deliver what the author intended ... and, more worryingly, will likely be overlooked by the greater portion of men-identifying people, as a result.
There's two main issues here, for me.
First, this is more of an autobiography about the author's transmasculine life. Now, the insights here are absolutely valid, honest, insightful, and meaningful. But I fear that the majority of men-identifying people, i.e., cismen who aren't already on board, will shut down and tune out. The author doesn't really show how his experiences of masculinity map onto the more common cismen varieties. Instead, I'm left feeling that I now know a great deal about the transmasculine experience ... exclusively.
Second, the approach is preachy and lacks substance. "We should do this. We can do that." The author is deeply religious and that's reflected here. We're just supposed to nod our heads and follow along ... with "father." There's almost no sources for any claims, nothing backed up with research (although some vague, hand-wavy mentions of "lots of research" having been conducted by someone, somewhere, somehow, etc.), and a heavy reliance (which the author acknowledges) on personal experience. As mentioned, there's an important but steadfast transmasculine frame. There's also a later-life frame, with the author transitioning in his 20s and 30s. In fact, the author frequently discusses how his experience is vastly different than "most men." I can imagine the majority cismen readership reacting to such proclamations as "we men" and "us guys" with confusion, at best. Focusing on the male arc of the author's life story, drawing from examples that the majority of men can identify with, would have been better, if the goal was to get the message out and enact change with all men.
Finally, I come away from this text with very little understanding of what men should do to embark on new masculinities. I think a lot of ideas are in the text, but there is no summary, no helpful list, no to-do's, no action points, etc. Again, this largely reads as an autobiography with a moral edge, more about story than action.
Thank you Edelweiss+ and Augsburg Fortress Publishers for the advance copy.
I want to start by thanking the author for bravely sharing his story with vulnerability and in pursuit of better masculinities for everyone.
Yet, I'm afraid that this text doesn't deliver what the author intended ... and, more worryingly, will likely be overlooked by the greater portion of men-identifying people, as a result.
There's two main issues here, for me.
First, this is more of an autobiography about the author's transmasculine life. Now, the insights here are absolutely valid, honest, insightful, and meaningful. But I fear that the majority of men-identifying people, i.e., cismen who aren't already on board, will shut down and tune out. The author doesn't really show how his experiences of masculinity map onto the more common cismen varieties. Instead, I'm left feeling that I now know a great deal about the transmasculine experience ... exclusively.
Second, the approach is preachy and lacks substance. "We should do this. We can do that." The author is deeply religious and that's reflected here. We're just supposed to nod our heads and follow along ... with "father." There's almost no sources for any claims, nothing backed up with research (although some vague, hand-wavy mentions of "lots of research" having been conducted by someone, somewhere, somehow, etc.), and a heavy reliance (which the author acknowledges) on personal experience. As mentioned, there's an important but steadfast transmasculine frame. There's also a later-life frame, with the author transitioning in his 20s and 30s. In fact, the author frequently discusses how his experience is vastly different than "most men." I can imagine the majority cismen readership reacting to such proclamations as "we men" and "us guys" with confusion, at best. Focusing on the male arc of the author's life story, drawing from examples that the majority of men can identify with, would have been better, if the goal was to get the message out and enact change with all men.
Finally, I come away from this text with very little understanding of what men should do to embark on new masculinities. I think a lot of ideas are in the text, but there is no summary, no helpful list, no to-do's, no action points, etc. Again, this largely reads as an autobiography with a moral edge, more about story than action.
Thank you Edelweiss+ and Augsburg Fortress Publishers for the advance copy.
May 4, 2025
I received an e-arc from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
I think the premise of this book is a good one. The author talks about how he learned healthy masculinity and strives to teach that path to others. He acknowledges there is no singular way to be a man, that it looks different for all of us.
Unfortunately, the execution of his idea leaves a bit to be desired. A lot of this book is repetitive, teaching the same lesson a different way over and over again. While the book is over 200 pages if I remember right, it could probably be half that and still accomplish what Kearns set out to do. Furthermore, while his solutions make sense, his way of reaching them feels a lot like "just stop worrying." That's a lot easier to say than do, and could make the journey to being a better man harder than suggested.
Finally, while I again think the topic of this book is important, I do not think it will reach its target audience. I picked this book up as a trans man myself, and nearly everything discussed in it is something I've discussed with my boyfriend. Those looking for healthy masculinity likely already are aware of most of what's discussed in this book, while those who need it will probably never pick it up.
Overall, it's a good book, but it's not well executed.
I think the premise of this book is a good one. The author talks about how he learned healthy masculinity and strives to teach that path to others. He acknowledges there is no singular way to be a man, that it looks different for all of us.
Unfortunately, the execution of his idea leaves a bit to be desired. A lot of this book is repetitive, teaching the same lesson a different way over and over again. While the book is over 200 pages if I remember right, it could probably be half that and still accomplish what Kearns set out to do. Furthermore, while his solutions make sense, his way of reaching them feels a lot like "just stop worrying." That's a lot easier to say than do, and could make the journey to being a better man harder than suggested.
Finally, while I again think the topic of this book is important, I do not think it will reach its target audience. I picked this book up as a trans man myself, and nearly everything discussed in it is something I've discussed with my boyfriend. Those looking for healthy masculinity likely already are aware of most of what's discussed in this book, while those who need it will probably never pick it up.
Overall, it's a good book, but it's not well executed.
June 11, 2025
[Digital copy provided by Netgalley]
I was excited to read a book about masculinity from the perspective of a trans guy as in general trans people examine gender expectations and gendered behaviour more than cis people do. There is indeed some good reflection in here but I found the execution to be lacking. It's pretty repetitive with more concrete advice only mentioned in the final chapter, and having everything addressed to "we" and "us" felt really reductive. The author spends a lot of time talking about navigating romantic relationships, in particular those with women, and managing marriage and having children, all of which did not speak to me as a single gay trans man in his 20s. He does make an effort to be inclusive regarding other kinds of men but it does feel like an afterthought considering the difference in time dedicated. I also did not know that the author is a youth pastor and that the book would be heavily tied to religion. Maybe that's on me but also I do feel like that should have been made more obvious. While I appreciated some of the introspection provided by the author about finding his own way to masculinity and the impact of gendered socialisation, this book unfortunately left me unimpressed overall.
I was excited to read a book about masculinity from the perspective of a trans guy as in general trans people examine gender expectations and gendered behaviour more than cis people do. There is indeed some good reflection in here but I found the execution to be lacking. It's pretty repetitive with more concrete advice only mentioned in the final chapter, and having everything addressed to "we" and "us" felt really reductive. The author spends a lot of time talking about navigating romantic relationships, in particular those with women, and managing marriage and having children, all of which did not speak to me as a single gay trans man in his 20s. He does make an effort to be inclusive regarding other kinds of men but it does feel like an afterthought considering the difference in time dedicated. I also did not know that the author is a youth pastor and that the book would be heavily tied to religion. Maybe that's on me but also I do feel like that should have been made more obvious. While I appreciated some of the introspection provided by the author about finding his own way to masculinity and the impact of gendered socialisation, this book unfortunately left me unimpressed overall.
April 3, 2025
I had the pleasure of connecting with the author a while back on Instagram and loved his previous book, In the Margins, so I was eager to read his brand-new book about “What a Trans Man’s Experience Reveals about Masculinity.” I will begin by recognizing that as a cisgender woman, I am not the intended audience for this book, which was written for men. I read it as a grateful guest as I am working to love and understand the men in my life as well as the impact they have on women. I enjoyed reading it as a follow up to bell hooks’ powerful book on masculinity, All About Love, and would love to hear how it resonates with male readers.
I am drawn to Shannon’s work because of his emphasis on healing from trauma and cocreating “a culture of health, wholeness, and liberation for all people,” which is a vision I share. His perspective as a man who was socialized as a girl is informative, and I appreciate his willingness to share vulnerably from his own experience. He writes insightfully about his observations regarding people of all genders because as a trans person, he has had to study gender and gender norms closely, for the sake of his own safety but also simply in the process of grappling with his own gender identity.
As he considered what it means to be a man, he realized that many cisgender men struggle with this question, as well. His book is a compassionate invitation for men to come home to themselves in authentic, nontoxic expressions of manhood by healing from the many ways that toxic masculinity and patriarchy have kept men from expressing the fullness of their personhood. Kearns speaks on important topics such as “finding safety in our bodies,” “unlearning learned incompetence,” “accessing more emotions,” “facing down our entitlement,” and more.
I value the nuance with which he approaches the complexity of conversations about gender and his ability to challenge men to shed toxic behaviors while couching the challenge in great love and compassion, with a clear desire for men to be healed and whole. At the conclusion of the book, he provides ideas for practical application and next steps on the journey.
Shannon’s writing is clear, accessible, compassionate, and insightful. Though it was written for men, I found it to be a helpful and compelling book for me to read as someone who would like to partner with people of all genders in working for a world in which everyone can flourish.
Thank you to Broadleaf books for my ARC of this book, which releases on 4/9.
I am drawn to Shannon’s work because of his emphasis on healing from trauma and cocreating “a culture of health, wholeness, and liberation for all people,” which is a vision I share. His perspective as a man who was socialized as a girl is informative, and I appreciate his willingness to share vulnerably from his own experience. He writes insightfully about his observations regarding people of all genders because as a trans person, he has had to study gender and gender norms closely, for the sake of his own safety but also simply in the process of grappling with his own gender identity.
As he considered what it means to be a man, he realized that many cisgender men struggle with this question, as well. His book is a compassionate invitation for men to come home to themselves in authentic, nontoxic expressions of manhood by healing from the many ways that toxic masculinity and patriarchy have kept men from expressing the fullness of their personhood. Kearns speaks on important topics such as “finding safety in our bodies,” “unlearning learned incompetence,” “accessing more emotions,” “facing down our entitlement,” and more.
I value the nuance with which he approaches the complexity of conversations about gender and his ability to challenge men to shed toxic behaviors while couching the challenge in great love and compassion, with a clear desire for men to be healed and whole. At the conclusion of the book, he provides ideas for practical application and next steps on the journey.
Shannon’s writing is clear, accessible, compassionate, and insightful. Though it was written for men, I found it to be a helpful and compelling book for me to read as someone who would like to partner with people of all genders in working for a world in which everyone can flourish.
Thank you to Broadleaf books for my ARC of this book, which releases on 4/9.
June 4, 2025
A book for every man
I see a lot of talk about men and masculinity in the news and on social — mostly it's how awesome we are or how terrible we are — but none of it really speaks to my experience as a man. Of really loving being a man, but also sometimes being unsure how to be a good one, feeling like I don't live up to expectations, or worrying if I (or other men) are harming people.
I'm not transgender myself but I really appreciated the author's perspectives on masculinity and being a man as someone who really had to intentionally choose and fight for his man-ness. His experiences—and the problems he sees with modern masculinity—really ring true to my own experience. But this book never makes me feel like I'm "failing" as a man or that there is some secret bro code I just haven't cracked yet. I feel seen and celebrated while also challenged to be the best version of myself.
A really great book for every man (and probably for those who love us too)
I see a lot of talk about men and masculinity in the news and on social — mostly it's how awesome we are or how terrible we are — but none of it really speaks to my experience as a man. Of really loving being a man, but also sometimes being unsure how to be a good one, feeling like I don't live up to expectations, or worrying if I (or other men) are harming people.
I'm not transgender myself but I really appreciated the author's perspectives on masculinity and being a man as someone who really had to intentionally choose and fight for his man-ness. His experiences—and the problems he sees with modern masculinity—really ring true to my own experience. But this book never makes me feel like I'm "failing" as a man or that there is some secret bro code I just haven't cracked yet. I feel seen and celebrated while also challenged to be the best version of myself.
A really great book for every man (and probably for those who love us too)
December 18, 2025
No One Taught Me How to Be a Man: What a Trans Man’s Experience Reveals about Masculinity is a thoughtful, courageous, and deeply humane examination of masculinity one that exposes its fragility, contradictions, and quiet longings with rare clarity and compassion. Drawing from his lived experience as a trans man, Kearns offers a perspective that makes masculinity visible in ways many cisgender men have never been taught to see.
At the heart of the book is a disarming truth: no one is ever really taught how to be a man. Kearns’s journey toward masculinity pieced together from cultural signals, social expectations, and observation reveals that cis men often construct manhood in much the same way. The fear of “doing it wrong,” of being exposed as inadequate or inauthentic, runs quietly beneath many expressions of masculinity. By naming this shared anxiety, Kearns creates unexpected points of connection rather than division.
What distinguishes this book is its refusal to dismantle masculinity entirely or reduce it to toxicity. Instead, Kearns invites readers to imagine a version of manhood rooted in care, accountability, and relational integrity one that serves both personal well-being and the wider world. His writing is reflective and incisive, blending memoir with cultural critique in a way that feels honest rather than prescriptive.
No One Taught Me How to Be a Man will resonate with readers who are questioning inherited gender norms, seeking healthier models of masculinity, or interested in how trans perspectives can illuminate broader human truths. It is a generous, challenging, and ultimately hopeful book one that opens space for men of all backgrounds to rethink what it truly means to be a good man.
At the heart of the book is a disarming truth: no one is ever really taught how to be a man. Kearns’s journey toward masculinity pieced together from cultural signals, social expectations, and observation reveals that cis men often construct manhood in much the same way. The fear of “doing it wrong,” of being exposed as inadequate or inauthentic, runs quietly beneath many expressions of masculinity. By naming this shared anxiety, Kearns creates unexpected points of connection rather than division.
What distinguishes this book is its refusal to dismantle masculinity entirely or reduce it to toxicity. Instead, Kearns invites readers to imagine a version of manhood rooted in care, accountability, and relational integrity one that serves both personal well-being and the wider world. His writing is reflective and incisive, blending memoir with cultural critique in a way that feels honest rather than prescriptive.
No One Taught Me How to Be a Man will resonate with readers who are questioning inherited gender norms, seeking healthier models of masculinity, or interested in how trans perspectives can illuminate broader human truths. It is a generous, challenging, and ultimately hopeful book one that opens space for men of all backgrounds to rethink what it truly means to be a good man.
June 5, 2025
I will start by saying I am a cisgender white man. I decided to read this book as part of my journey to understand transgender people.
At first, the book did not disappoint, but eventually it started to feel thin and cliche. There starts to feel as though there is a lot of hate toward cisgender white men and what is considered our privilege. I’m sure there is some at least, if not much, truth in some of the privilege statements, but what Kearns has done here is made us all one dimensional. As if because of how we were born we have no problems to face and that simply is not the case. I grew up fat and smart and let me tell you, I felt fear daily. I made fun of and beat up ritually and not always by white boys. Boys and GIRLS of all races and backgrounds did this to me. I learned to walk on the other side of the street to avoid people too. I will only give one example because this review is supposed to be about this book— I was ridiculed and physically assaulted daily on my school bus in 7th grade. By a group of white girls. How is a white boy to deal with this, especially one that had grown up to be nice to girls and not hit them?
Bottom line is by the end of the book, I felt as though I was put in a box with all the other cisgender white men out there in the world. This gave an overall feeling of the book being one dimensional and really took away from the honest and thoughtful feelings of the first half of the writing.
At first, the book did not disappoint, but eventually it started to feel thin and cliche. There starts to feel as though there is a lot of hate toward cisgender white men and what is considered our privilege. I’m sure there is some at least, if not much, truth in some of the privilege statements, but what Kearns has done here is made us all one dimensional. As if because of how we were born we have no problems to face and that simply is not the case. I grew up fat and smart and let me tell you, I felt fear daily. I made fun of and beat up ritually and not always by white boys. Boys and GIRLS of all races and backgrounds did this to me. I learned to walk on the other side of the street to avoid people too. I will only give one example because this review is supposed to be about this book— I was ridiculed and physically assaulted daily on my school bus in 7th grade. By a group of white girls. How is a white boy to deal with this, especially one that had grown up to be nice to girls and not hit them?
Bottom line is by the end of the book, I felt as though I was put in a box with all the other cisgender white men out there in the world. This gave an overall feeling of the book being one dimensional and really took away from the honest and thoughtful feelings of the first half of the writing.
June 29, 2025
This book was an interesting and often valuable read. Shannon Kearns, a trans man, shares his personal journey of masculinity with honesty and vulnerability. Those personal reflections were the strongest parts of the book. His insights into identity, emotion, and growing into manhood felt genuine and grounded.
There is definitely good advice here, and I’ll admit that the stronger parts outweighed the weaker ones. However, at times it felt more like a high school self-help project than a fully polished guide. Some of the advice, particularly around how to approach conversations with partners, felt overly simplistic or too theoretical to be useful in real-life situations.
One thing that stood out as a major oversight was the mistake around Andrew Tate. Referring to him as a "boxer" instead of a "kickboxer" is a detail that should have been caught by an editor, and it pulled me out of the text.
That said, the book still offers a fresh perspective on masculinity, especially from someone who has had to consciously build his identity in a world with rigid expectations. While I wouldn’t call it essential reading, it is thoughtful and sincere, and I’m glad I read it. I’d give it three and a half stars.
There is definitely good advice here, and I’ll admit that the stronger parts outweighed the weaker ones. However, at times it felt more like a high school self-help project than a fully polished guide. Some of the advice, particularly around how to approach conversations with partners, felt overly simplistic or too theoretical to be useful in real-life situations.
One thing that stood out as a major oversight was the mistake around Andrew Tate. Referring to him as a "boxer" instead of a "kickboxer" is a detail that should have been caught by an editor, and it pulled me out of the text.
That said, the book still offers a fresh perspective on masculinity, especially from someone who has had to consciously build his identity in a world with rigid expectations. While I wouldn’t call it essential reading, it is thoughtful and sincere, and I’m glad I read it. I’d give it three and a half stars.
July 16, 2025
I appreciate what this book is doing and I don’t think I’m necessarily the target audience, which is disappointing! This would be a really great book for people who are earlier on in their journey of unpacking manhood and masculinity, especially for trans guys early in that process.
I personally wish it would have gone a lot deeper. There were spots that had the potential to be very hard hitting conversations in a way that I haven’t seen in other books on masculinity, especially on topics like the complexities of navigating misogyny as a trans man, both as a perpetrator and receiver of it. There were beginnings of conversations about the way transitioning shakes up gendered power dynamics in relationships, and I wanted more of that.
I also found that despite being a book by a trans author, it did not feel very ~queer~ if that makes sense. There was little to no discussion of masculinity outside of binary trans men, and gendered dynamics were talked about in a very binary way. I know that not every book can encompass everything, but for a trans focused book, I was a bit disappointed in the normative nature of it.
Unrelated to the content, the book itself is great quality and the pages feel absolutely wonderful???? What a delightful tactile experience
I personally wish it would have gone a lot deeper. There were spots that had the potential to be very hard hitting conversations in a way that I haven’t seen in other books on masculinity, especially on topics like the complexities of navigating misogyny as a trans man, both as a perpetrator and receiver of it. There were beginnings of conversations about the way transitioning shakes up gendered power dynamics in relationships, and I wanted more of that.
I also found that despite being a book by a trans author, it did not feel very ~queer~ if that makes sense. There was little to no discussion of masculinity outside of binary trans men, and gendered dynamics were talked about in a very binary way. I know that not every book can encompass everything, but for a trans focused book, I was a bit disappointed in the normative nature of it.
Unrelated to the content, the book itself is great quality and the pages feel absolutely wonderful???? What a delightful tactile experience
April 1, 2025
Just as with his first book, "In the Margins", you can tell the Shannon TL Kearns is a story teller. Kearns once again becomes vulnerable with his readers by sharing stories from his life that are relatable and heartfelt. As a transgender man myself, I could see my life in these pages. There are so many life lessons you miss out on by being raised as the gender you don't identify with - particularly for me things like learning how to shave, learning how to act in public, and learning how to be with other men in conversation are all things I had to figure out on my own. Reading Kearns' book revealed to me that I'm not the only one out there feeling out of step with both sides of the gender binary - seeming to fit in neither with women or men.
I am very grateful that Kearns is willing to be publicly vulnerable so that people like me - a transgender Christian man trying to find a way to fit into society - can know we're not alone in our experiences and that we can learn together how to navigate life.
I am very grateful that Kearns is willing to be publicly vulnerable so that people like me - a transgender Christian man trying to find a way to fit into society - can know we're not alone in our experiences and that we can learn together how to navigate life.
June 25, 2025
Highlighted Quotes:
"The real hero's journey isn't about going on a grand adventure, battling monsters, and facing trials. It's about being willing to go on a deep inner journey. It's about battling the demons in our own lives and being willing to do the hard work of healing. It's about facing up to the places where we are perpetuating harm. Then it's about working to repair the harm, not only for ourselves but also for the good of the community."
"It's only when we are secure in our own identity that we can explore more fully the world around us. Overcoming our fear of inadequacy will allow us to show up more in our relationships and walk away from behaviors that harm others."
"Asking for help isn't just about admitting you can't do it alone. It's about realizing you are part of a community. We do things for one another. We support each other. We give and accept help. This isn't a sign of weakness; its a sign of friendship. It's a sign of community."
Overall: 2.3/5
You completely lost me at Chapter 10.
"The real hero's journey isn't about going on a grand adventure, battling monsters, and facing trials. It's about being willing to go on a deep inner journey. It's about battling the demons in our own lives and being willing to do the hard work of healing. It's about facing up to the places where we are perpetuating harm. Then it's about working to repair the harm, not only for ourselves but also for the good of the community."
"It's only when we are secure in our own identity that we can explore more fully the world around us. Overcoming our fear of inadequacy will allow us to show up more in our relationships and walk away from behaviors that harm others."
"Asking for help isn't just about admitting you can't do it alone. It's about realizing you are part of a community. We do things for one another. We support each other. We give and accept help. This isn't a sign of weakness; its a sign of friendship. It's a sign of community."
Overall: 2.3/5
You completely lost me at Chapter 10.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 15, 2025
I am so glad to have the opportunity to connect with Shannon T.L. Kearns. I am a transgendered man who lives in a very conservative state. I came out as transgender in 2019. It has been a hard road not knowing what to do and who to turn too. I am so glad to have the opportunity to connect and read these books but Mr. Kearns and connect again with my heavenly father. I so need him in my life and know that I can be trans and a Christian. Thank you so much and I can't wait for the next book its going to be just as wonderful as in the margins.
Thank you for sharing your story because I totally relate with it. I was told when I came out as gay in 2001 that I needed conversion camp. Now how I would so like to see my parents faces when I came out as trans in 2019. I lost my father in 2012 and my mom 2006.
Again Thank you and God bless.
Thank you for sharing your story because I totally relate with it. I was told when I came out as gay in 2001 that I needed conversion camp. Now how I would so like to see my parents faces when I came out as trans in 2019. I lost my father in 2012 and my mom 2006.
Again Thank you and God bless.
April 22, 2025
With pastoral care, Shannon TL Kearns invites men to be seen, and allows the reader to see him in turn. Pastors and other spiritual leaders sometimes talk at people without bringing themselves to the table with vulnerability and authenticity; in contrast, Fr. Shannon invites his readers into a relationship of mutuality and reciprocity. He sees the crises of today's men, and addresses them with tenderness and compassion, taking seriously the pain of others. In a time when men are frequently told to be quiet, repress their emotions, and push through their pain, Kearns' book is a refreshing fountain for weary souls.
November 2, 2025
I enjoyed the parts where Kearns reflected on his personal experiences with masculinity as a transgender man. Those resonated with me, the feeling like you don't belong in men's or women's spaces and always on your guard in restrooms or walking alone at night. I wish his broader exploration of masculinity and how to express it in meaningful ways went further. It was a little unsatisfying to end with "I don't know" because the premise of the book implied more depth. I don't think it left me with many takeaways for my own life, but I did enjoy Kearns' perspective (especially as a trans man who is a little older than me and came out in a somewhat different social climate).
June 20, 2025
Not really saying anything that new about toxic masculinity / how the patriarchy hurts men too. Some added conversation about the rise of figures like Andrew Tate or "Whataboutism" which is useful but only lightly explored. Also liked the discussions on why trans men may do XYZ while transitioning, trying to find themselves and exert the kind of masculinity they feel like they "have to" to be taken seriously. I just feel like the kind of men who need to read this book would never bother picking it up in the first place
September 23, 2025
As a cisgender woman and feminist who lives and works with cis and trans men and nonbinary people, I found this book very helpful in getting at some of the complexities of masculinity. I realize I have my own assumptions and judgments about the way I see masculinity expressed around me, and this book helps me zoom out a bit to consider what might be going on to fuel behaviors. I agree with Kearns's assessment that we can be better humans in community. I'm already recommending this book to others!
April 15, 2025
Kearns writes a poignant book that is a powerful read for all men and anyone who has someone who wants to explore a healthy expression of masculinity in their lives. As Shannon explores his own journey I (a cis man) resonated with how much I had to experiment in finding my own expression of masculinity in the world. "No One Taught Me How To Be A Man" will be a staple in my men's ministry work for years to come. It is a must read!
April 15, 2025
I'm thankful for this important book. Kearns has given us both insights and language to use as the conversation around gender continues.
In the introduction Kearns states that this book is for men; however, I think it's an important read for the rest of us too because as he later points out we project our own notions of gender onto others.
Kearns is also an excellent storyteller, so the writing is captivating and interesting to read.
In the introduction Kearns states that this book is for men; however, I think it's an important read for the rest of us too because as he later points out we project our own notions of gender onto others.
Kearns is also an excellent storyteller, so the writing is captivating and interesting to read.
June 16, 2025
This book offers a very interesting perspective on masculinity and how to make your own version of it in a way that feels authentic to you while also respecting other people's needs. There are also a few very useful tips and tricks on how to deal with certain blindspots that most men have. Sadly, I don't think the people who need to read this book the most will do so but it is nonetheless a very good read.
June 17, 2025
Overall, I found this memoir engaging, and Kearns’s observations about masculinity as a trans man a new perspective on some aspects. On others, like the rise of the Manosphere, it felt more typical. The religious angle to the text was unexpected, but never felt preachy. I do feel the text was more likely to speak to people who already shared Kearns’s opinions and light on actionable follow through.
April 24, 2025
Refreshing, thought-provoking and new memoir from a trans man who dissects masculinity, what it means, and the slippery slope into trans masculinity that is projected onto men and is hard to get out of.
December 18, 2025
I was way more interested in the parts about the author's relationship with masculinity as a trans man than the other parts that felt sort of preachy and directed at cis men. I would have it enjoyed it more if it was just about the author and his experiences.
May 2, 2025
Really great insights. I appreciate your perspective, Father Shay.
June 1, 2025
Solid
Felt like I was reading a compilation of posts from r/menslib
Felt like I was reading a compilation of posts from r/menslib
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