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166 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 7, 2023







"You can think it out, but in the end you don't know what is going to happen until you go through it."
I don’t know if you have ever stood in the middle of a squash court — on the T — and listened to what is going on next door. What I’m thinking of is the sound from the next court of a ball hit clean and hard. It’s a quick, low pistol-shot of a sound, with a close echo. The echo, which is the ball striking the wall of the court, is louder than the shot itself. This is what I hear when I remember the year after our mother died, and our father had us practising at Western Lane two, three, four hours a day.
Much later, Khush would say that that night was really the start of it, of Pa’s thinking about what he would do with us. It wasn’t Aunt Ranjan. It was Uncle Pavan talking about the past. But I think Pa told us himself what moved him. He sat beside us one morning on the bench outside the squash court and said, “I want you to become interested in something you can do your whole life.”
After one of these silences, we heard Pa asking Ged’s mother if she didn’t feel, sometimes, that there was too much time. He asked her if things terrorised her, like hours, or the expressions on a child’s face, or the clattering of lids on pans. Maybe she moved in some way that told Pa she understood. He was quiet, and then he said: “The children. The girls. Sometimes I look at them and think they will eat me.”
My father was standing far back, waiting. I knew from his silence that he wasn’t going to move first, and all I could do was serve and volley or disappoint him. The smudges on the wall blurred one into the other and I thought that surely I would fall. That was when it started up. A steady, melancholy rhythm from the other court, the shot and its echo, over and over again, like some sort of deliverance. I could tell it was one person conducting a drill. And I knew who it was. I stood there, listening, and the sound poured into me, into my nerves and bones, and it was with a feeling of having been rescued that I raised my racket and served.

“You can think it out, but in the end you don’t know what is going to happen until you go through it.”