Been There. Done That. Try This!: An Aspie's Guide to Life on Earth

by Tony Attwood (Editor), Craig R. Evans, Anita Lesko (Editor)

The world's Aspie mentors pass on their insights for successful living!

Temple Grandin, Liane Holliday Willey, Anita Lesko, Stephen M. Shore, and many others, offer words of wisdom on coping with daily stressors such as self-esteem, employment, friendship, and love. Based on their personal experience, this book is chock full of advice from Aspie mentors who have all been there and done that!

Each chapter ends with recommendations for overcoming the issue at hand from Asperger's Syndrome expert Dr. Tony Attwood and the book also includes evocative artwork from Aspie artists showing how they visually interpret each stressor.

Launching a mentorship movement within the autism community to help each other find success, this is an inspirational guide to life by Aspies for Aspies.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Aspergers, Mental Health, Reference

354 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Tony Attwood is an English psychologist who lives in Queensland, Australia and is an author of several books on Asperger's Syndrome. He received an honours degree in psychology from the University of Hull, an M.A. in clinical psychology from the University of Surrey, and a Ph.D. from University College London under Uta Frith. His book, Asperger's Syndrome: A Guide for Parents and Professionals, provides information on diagnosis, problems of social relations, sensory issues, motor control and other typical issues which face people with Asperger's and their support networks. The book has now been translated into 20 languages. Attwood also has a clinical practice at his diagnostic and treatment clinic for children and adults with Asperger’s Syndrome, in Brisbane, begun in 1992.

Reviews

[Helen · Rating 1 out of 5]

NOTE: I stopped reading this book at just under halfway. If the second half is much better than the first, then this review may be inaccurate.

tl:dr: Hearing other autistic people's experiences of being autistic is helpful and generally positive. Hearing non-autistic Autism Experts talk about being autistic is not.

Putting my cards on the table of my perspective going into this book: I am autistic and a keen advocate of the neurodiversity movement. I believe autistic people are the experts on autism and that the medical model of autism is damaging and ableist. I am sceptical of autism ‘experts’ who are not themselves autistic.

Okay, and now getting into this book, what is good about it, what is not good about it, and why I did not finish it.

The book is split into chapters each dealing with a topic relevant to the lives of autistic people: anxiety, sensory issues, making friends, and so on. In each chapter, a handful of autistic people share their experiences and some advice that’s worked for them around the topic. This format is okay for dipping into it here and there, but makes for repetitive reading at points. For example, anxiety? Good diet, sleep well, exercise. Depression? Good diet, sleep well, exercise … and so on.

Obviously the autistic mentors’ sections varied in how helpful they were to me personally, as you would expect. There were some parts that resonated and others less so. But no problem, and I like hearing autistic people talk about their experiences of being autistic.

And that’s about it for the good parts of this book. Let’s get into the not-so-great stuff. First off, the terminology used, as you would guess from the title, is Asperger’s, high-functioning autism (HFA), and person-first language. I do not like these terms, and nor does a lot of the autistic community. Asperger’s is outdated as a diagnosis separate to autism and serves to divide the autistic community (as well as bearing the name of a man active in condemning autistic children to death in Nazi concentration camps, so there’s that). Functioning labels are ableist, loaded and simply inaccurate when all autistic people have strengths and weaknesses (almost like they’re, shocker, people). And many autistic people prefer the identity-first language of, “I am autistic!” rather than, “I have autism.” Think of the difference between, “I am gay” and “I have X illness”. Identity-first acknowledges and owns the identity, whereas person-first makes it sound like a disease.

Okay, onward and downward to some particularly jarring parts of the book. Each section of the book finishes with a snippet from Dr. Tony Attwood, a neurotypical psychologist. These are the parts I liked the least.

Point one: repeatedly Attwood rather bizarrely assumes the reader to be an adult, but also patronizingly explains to them that alcohol has an age restriction, drugs are illegal, and knives are bad. Um, right then. Does he know that autistic people do actually live in the world and not under rocks?

Point two: in the self-esteem section, he spends a paragraph telling autistic people to develop value systems independent from those who are hostile to them. And then in the next breath makes it seem like the best an autistic person can do is be good despite their autism. This will come up again, but any advice for a neurodivergent person that talks like their divergence is an unfortunate obstacle to overcome rather than an intrinsic part of them does not vibe with me.

Point three: the playing of the genius card, AKA the “Did you know that Albert Einstein/Steve Jobs/Isaac Newton/Bill Gates had Asperger’s?” card. Essentially the argument is, don’t feel bad about being autistic because, hey, you might be a successful super genius. The glaring problem with this is that the vast majority of autistic people are not successful super geniuses. And if your argument for why it’s okay to be autistic amounts to autistic people have to make up for their autism by being much smarter than the average person, then your ableism is showing.

Point four: another gem from Dr. Tony Attwood, this time in relation to meltdowns. Let me summarize the gist of his two cents: “Having a meltdown is unpleasant, but have you even thought about how bad it is for the neurotypicals around you? You’d better get writing your apology letters now because of how much your visible distress will be upsetting to them and they will be expecting you to apologize.” Won’t someone, please, think of the neurotypicals? I jest, but seriously. Guilting autistic people for responding to overwhelming stress in a way that is involuntary for them. Yeah, classy. Thanks for that, Tony.

Point five: perhaps this was the straw that broke the camel’s back and made me stop reading, idk. But I got to the depression section and Attwood gifted us with (again, paraphrased), “Sometimes autistic people are depressed because they see autism as a disability.” Okaaay. Well, that’s about enough for me. That was a good wisdom, Tony. You represent a lot of what damages autistic people in mainstream discourse about autism. Just because you scatter in some lip service to neurodiversity does approximately nothing if you’re arguing that autistic people should see disabled as a bad word they should distance themselves from.

Aaand with that, I am done with this book. Thank you for reading my succinct, not at all infuriated review all the way to the end.

[Dani Shuping · Rating 4 out of 5]

ARC provided by NetGalley

One of the most difficult aspects of being diagnosed with Asperger’s latter in life isn’t learning about yourself, but learning ways to deal with the world around you as an adult, since much of the literature and support is for children. That situation though is slowly changing thanks in large part to people like Dr. Tony Attwood and Temple Grandin, who have stepped up, spoken out, and shared their stories and advice to help people. This book adds yet another step, adults that have aspergers, have thrived and survived, and have been serving as mentors to many others share their words of wisdom on how to survive daily life and the stresses within it, all from the perspective of an Aspie. While sometimes the stories drag a little bit, the advice that these Aspie mentors offer on anxiety, depression, friendship, love, and more is invaluable to someone like me that was only diagnosed as being on the spectrum last year. This book is must have for anyone on the spectrum. 4 out of 5 stars.

[Anna-Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is organized according to the 17 ranked issues that cause stress to someone with Asperger's syndrome/ASD, which are reflected each in their own chapter, with multiple vignettes followed by Dr. Attwood's advice regarding that particular issue. It was informative and interesting, although I'd like more of a balance between the vignettes (plentiful) and more information from Dr. Attwood and the current literature on the various issues.

[Violet Raven · Rating 5 out of 5]

My most highly recommended go-to guidebook for anyone on the spectrum. This is a clear concise and well presented manual (the life manual that so many feel we should be provided with at birth!) with plenty of advice from mentors and a segment at the end of each chapter with advice by Tony Attwood, a leading expert in autism, and includes a section with advice for parents.

Each area of difficulty is taken individually so the book can be referenced quickly for a specific issue e.g. Anxiety or Sensory Issues, with varied responses from those who have lived with and adapted to each condition. The whole book is laid out in a logical manner, taking the most commonly experienced, and most distressing issues first and working through the solutions before moving onto the next. I feel this format will be particularly helpful for those who want quick but thorough answers to pressing questions; the design is such that it could be read cover to cover if desired, but this is not necessary for understanding each chapter, so irrelevant chapters could be skipped for those with less patience.

There are also colour plates of artwork from various artists who have used a visual medium to express themselves on a variety of relevant experiences. In this it illustrates and often misunderstood aspect of ASD - the capacity for creativity, and should serve as an education as well as an inspiration for families and individuals.

Again, highly recommended; I have not yet found a more useful volume that covers topics of most frustration or confusion so clearly - though I will update if I do!

[Elena · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dear Anita Lesko, I'm really happy that your workplace is adapted to you sensibilities and your bosses and collegues listen so attentively to all you have to say but for the rest us we're just lucky if we work or if we can work and our bosses don't care about the strange/different/unusual/weird/loser/problematic employee: we also have to hide and make as less demands as possible. This is the real life of autistic people, even the ones on the middle to high and very high IQ.

Also, why do you think AS should be reinstated as a separate diagnosis from the autism spectrum if the diagnosis criteria are the same for everyone and there are only few differences from other parts of the spectrum? Maybe you don't like to be together with some non verbal or with a lo IQ autistic? And I don't have autism nor AS: I'm autistic or I'm Asperger because autism nor AS are illnesses.

A last bit of advice: please seek counseling so you could make friends with other people other than "aspies" or sympathetic NTs, because there are marvellous people out there indipendently from their neurodivergence status. Your advice in this book is simply offensive to all of us lesser aspies.

..and dear Miss Grandin: you really give some really precious advice! ("buy my book")
I really envy you your family. My parents died 2 decades ago but maybe you should've tried ABA therapy because your parents thought autism isn't socially appropriate and should be cured.

As I've neared the end of this book I found more paternalistic, chauvinist and hetero-minded advices (for eg: Attwood advice to young autistic males to wait for girls to develop a more prominent maternal instinct so to have a chance for a relationship), when not bordering on sexual harassment during a job interview (the "puritan" and bigot author also seems proud of herself!): do you think you're ok in advising to dress in mini shorts so to upping your chances of being employed? Would you really suggest this to any young woman?

That's ok being autistic and not knowing or accept social conventions, but this is too much and that's a pity because for the most part they're sound advices.

[Sam Peeters · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an autistic adult with lived experience, I found Been There. Done That. Try This! to be a uniquely affirming and practical resource. The book's premise is simple yet profound: by centering the voices of autistic individuals—those who have "been there and done that"—it offers an unparalleled authenticity and relatability. Combining these narratives with clinical insights from the esteemed Dr. Tony Attwood, this guide is a beacon for anyone seeking to understand and navigate life on the spectrum.

Structure and Themes

The book is organized around 17 key stressors that autistic people often face, from anxiety and sensory overload to employment challenges and managing relationships. Each chapter starts by exploring a specific issue, followed by essays from autistic contributors who share their personal experiences and strategies. Dr. Attwood then provides professional insights to round out the discussion.

The breadth of topics ensures there is something for everyone. Whether you're dealing with the everyday struggle of sensory sensitivities or larger existential questions of self-esteem and identity, the book offers practical tools and emotional validation.

Resonance and Validation

What struck me most about this book is how deeply it resonated with my own experiences. For instance, in the chapter on anxiety, contributor Richard Maguire describes anxiety as "the permanent emotional state for autistic people." This is an observation that felt immediately familiar and validating. He continues, "Instead of seeking to be rid of anxiety, I’ve learned to manage it and find moments of relaxation when I can." This reframing of anxiety as a constant to be managed rather than eradicated is a shift I’ve personally found liberating, and it was empowering to see this perspective echoed in the book.

Another powerful moment comes from Anita Lesko, who discusses the importance of shifting self-esteem narratives:

"Think back to all those individuals who have bullied you, shunned you, treated you like a second-class citizen. Now stop and look at the whole picture: who really is the lesser person? You, the victim? Or the predator?"

As someone who has endured social misunderstandings and exclusion, this perspective was a reminder of my inherent worth and strength.

Practical Strategies

The book also excels in its practicality. Contributors provide actionable advice tailored to autistic needs, such as creating sensory-friendly environments, finding ways to self-regulate during meltdowns, or managing workplace challenges. For example, Mitch Christian shares how he built a retreat in his basement to decompress after overwhelming days:

"I turned it into a small home theater room where I could reduce and control sound and light levels. Having that space has been critical in managing my stress."

Similarly, many contributors highlight the importance of special interests as a way to channel energy and manage anxiety. This was an aspect I connected with personally, as my own special interests have often provided a much-needed refuge from the chaos of the neurotypical world.
Aesthetic and Emotional Appeal

The inclusion of artwork from autistic artists throughout the book adds another layer of depth. These visual representations of concepts like anxiety and sensory overload are poignant and evocative. For instance, Charlotte Poe’s painting, Anxieties, is described as:

"A black cloud over your head that fills your mind like a storm and doesn’t leave room for you to think or breathe."

These illustrations are not only visually striking but also emotionally impactful, providing a visceral understanding of the experiences discussed in the text.

Areas for Improvement

While the book is an incredible resource, there are areas where it could have been more inclusive. Autistic experiences are diverse, and while the contributors represent a wide range of perspectives, there is limited focus on intersectionality—how factors like race, gender identity, or socioeconomic status intersect with autism. Expanding this scope would have made the book even more relevant and relatable to a broader audience.

Additionally, the clinical insights, while valuable, occasionally felt secondary to the contributors' narratives. A deeper integration of these perspectives might have strengthened the book’s balance between lived experience and professional guidance.

Final Thoughts

Been There. Done That. Try This! is more than just a guide—it’s a celebration of autistic wisdom and resilience. For autistic readers, it provides a validating sense of community and shared experience. For allies, it offers an honest, unvarnished look into the joys and challenges of autistic life, paired with concrete ways to offer support.

I would wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone in the autism community—whether you’re autistic yourself, a parent, an educator, or a professional. It’s a book that affirms our struggles while celebrating our strengths, and it reminded me of a truth I sometimes forget: that while the autistic journey is often challenging, it is also rich with possibility, connection, and growth.

Rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟☆ (4/5)

If you're looking for a guide that combines wisdom, empathy, and practicality, look no further. As one contributor aptly puts it:

"We are connecting with each other and, even more far-reaching, we are allowing the world to see we have hopes, dreams, and feelings too. We belong on this planet, just like everyone else."

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical advice and a variety of voices. This book could make someone on the spectrum feel less alone. The book was well-organized, honing in on the issues people surveyed deemed most important first. In each chapter, a variety of people on the spectrum gave advice on a topic and then the chapter concluded with a summary and references from Tony Attwood.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

As far as practical advice for many of the challenges those on the Autism Spectrum face, I found this an informative and easy to read book. The advice comes from others on the Spectrum, so is especially helpful.

[Emme — · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pabulum.

[Nicola Montague · Rating 2 out of 5]

A couple of interesting tips and tricks from fellow autistics. I did not like the outdated terminology though and the self congratulatory sections from Attwood

[AJ Frere · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think a lot of this book was aimed at those who know relatively little about the struggles of autism. Personally, I have done a lot of my own research since I was diagnosed and have been able to form a strong grasp on how it affects me. It was, however, interesting to read about other people's perspectives and struggles, as well as positives in their lives. It was encouraging to be able to relate to a lot of the problems that were discussed. It was also interesting to read about people's experiences that may be the opposite to mine or differ to mine in some way. It is always good to gain perspective from others, and this book did a great job in allowing me to do so. I can see that this book would be a remarkable help for those new to the diagnosis or those wishing to learn more. If i did not have an autism diagnosis myself, or knew very little about it, I would have found this book extremely educational and I would be very grateful to be given the opportunity to learn about a different way of viewing the world. I loved how honest the people who contributed to this book were. Being honest makes you very vulnerable sometimes, and I admire people's ability to be so open about things they found difficult. I definitely learned several new strategies from this book that I may be able to put into practice in the future to reduce my own anxiety or help solve problems within my personal life.

[––––•(-•The Insomniac Book Hoarder•- · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reviewing a copy of this for Netgalley- This was posted wayy late as I have been locked out of my account ( my deepest and sincerest apologies for the very late review).
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In this book, Aspie mentors (Asperger mentors) pass on their expertise for a successful living . Aspergers is a condition on the autism spectrum with generally higher functioning. Those with the condition may be socially awkward may have an all consuming interest in specific topics; socialisation in the form of communication training and behavioural therapy is crucial for those with this condition as it allows them to socialise better with their external surroundings. With that being said, this book was informative, sometimes bordering on preachy but nonetheless informative and well organised.

The book content is filled with advice, personal anecdotes and interviews. A must read for anyone that knows someone with Aspergers or to anyone who wants to better understand them better.

[Woody Hayday · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is well organised, the chapters meaningful; each collects a panel of selected Aspie’s points of views on a topic, (E.g. “meltdowns”). I found I connected with some of the material deeply, while other parts turned me off. I suspect this intentional as the scattershot approach probably correlates to the range of experience of the ASD group.

Read cover to cover you’ll hit points which read like egotistic showboating. This made me skip about a bit, but I probably read all of the chapters in the end.

Relatively useful for an Aspie or people close to one, if only to give a bit of contextual grounding. My advice would be to skip some peoples sections where they don’t connect for you, even if tempted to 100% it.

Woody Hayday

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offered many useful insights from other people with ASD and it was a very interesting read - well thought out and well written. I'd definitely recommend it if you're considering exploring your own diagnosis journey. The addition of art to accompany each chapter is also a nice touch.

I brought it down to 4 stars because I felt there was a lack of intersectional consideration in the advice given (a lot of it was very ethnocentric for example) and some of the advice given in the relationship section by Dr. Attwood could be considered, at best, outdated, and at worst, slightly misogynistic.

[Marcy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a truly incomparable book for people living with ASD. Each chapter covers various struggles in a person's life that get compounded when they are autistic - depression, anxiety, self-esteem, sensory issues, etc. Through the experiences of people with autism, readers learn about a range of ways to adapt and cope. There are marvelous suggestions here that are worth trying. Plus there are a lot of other great books recommended throughout.

[Linden · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of content and tips and relatable stories. So much. Good to have on hand to go back to for advice and comfort. Would be super keen to see something like this with somewhat younger mentors, as the descriptions of childhood by mentors born in the 50s-70s was lovely but less relevant to my generation. But that's something I would want in addition to, not in place of, this book. Also somewhat disappointing the percentage of US mentors when Tony Attwood is an Aussie practitioner.

[Brian Cham · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is full of very useful advice for anyone on the autism spectrum. The premise and structure of the book are outstanding - they surveyed many autistic people to uncover the most common issues, then dedicated a chapter to each one. The chapters combine life reflections from autistic people, expert advice from Tony Attwood and some enlightening paintings that visualise the perspective of life with autism. There is a true diversity of viewpoints that should cover the concerns of anyone on the spectrum. I wish I had this book when I was diagnosed.

[Chloe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely of value and an important read, just a little difficult to read in some places. As an Autistic, I found a lot of jumping around in styles (due to the nature of the book) quite tiring and a little hard to read.

[Meghan Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really good - I wish I’d had it at 12! It isn’t as useful to me at this stage in my life, but it’s still a very interesting and worthwhile book.

The chapters all have essays from Aspie mentors and wrap up with info from Dr. Tony Attwood. The different perspectives are cool.

[Wrath of Maitreya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Infinite value this book. 'Read date' is a misnomer as it is something I still pick up every day or two and te recap a piece.

[Nerdy Nerd]

DNF it's very good but life got busy.

[Hazel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful for teachers of Aspies too!

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

So far I like it but holy cow. WAY too much to absorb at once. Need to get a highlighter. But still. Executive functioning will probably still fall short!!

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well put together and thought out. Helpful.

[wbobek · Rating 2 out of 5]

korpo coaching, powtarzanie tych samych frazesów, zaprzeczanie samym sobie, meh

[Sortal · Rating 4 out of 5]

This gets four stars for including so many autistic voices. I liked the format of themed chapters, with each one offering many perspectives. A downside of the wide range of voices is that there are some misguided points and false claims. This would have been so much better if the autistic contributors had been invited to share their experiences, rather than to give advice. I also question the choice to give the non-autistic 'experts' the final say in concluding each chapter.

[Renate Eveline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent and well structured! Clear guidance on the seventeen most important stressors for "Aspies", ranging from themes as sensory issues, faking it to depression. Personal insight from different mentors and advice from Tony Attwood. Extremely helpful!

[Jacqui · Rating 4 out of 5]

extremely informative but like everything else I've been reading, it's nothing new and all about common sense and being observant. Attwood and Grandin are probably the best go-to authors to learn about Asperger's and things to be mindful of and skills to develop to adapt to the world around us.

[Katharine Holden · Rating 3 out of 5]

Practical advice from multiple perspectives.

[Sean Sperling · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life. A must-read for anyone who has had to ask themselves 'the question.'