How to Understand Your Relationships: A Practical Guide

by Alex Iantaffi, Meg-John Barker

'Profound and vulnerable. An essential gift for all of us that relate' - Anne Mauro

What do we mean when we say 'relationship'?
How do we separate our needs and desires from norms and expectations?
How can we approach our relationships with mutuality, care and compassion?

This down-to-earth guide is the ultimate companion for anybody who wants to examine their place in the world -- how we relate to ourselves, and others. With considerations of historical, cultural, and developmental contexts; explorations of relationship diversity as it manifests in queerness, the ace and aro spectrum, non-monogamy and neurodivergence ; and a look towards deeper, compassionate, interdependent ways to relate - this book will help people of all ages, backgrounds and identities explore their relational world.

Genres: Nonfiction

320 pages, Paperback

Published January 21, 2025

Reviews

[Royal · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although the authors write with a lot of empathy, kindness, and inclusivity in mind, it was hard to get into this book because the writing has a reoccurring issue of too much fluff and takes awhile to get into the substance of the book. Much of the content were long-winded and could be stated more succinctly. The constant cross-references (read more in chapter 3, chapter 5 talks about this…) as well as the constant reminder that everyone’s situation is different and will glean something different from the book (this is generally implicit from self-help genre) were distracting.

All in all, there is good content buried here but not the book for me.

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

Based on the same format of understanding your sexuality and gender, this is the last in that series, how to understand your relationships. I really like the way that the authors explore each aspects of relationships from a LGBT perspective, breaking down and shifting the way that relationships are perceived and discussed. Each chapter takes an aspect, asks interesting questions to help you reflect and encourages you to take time to breath, think and maybe even journal in order to really discover your relationship wants and needs. I found the new approach to relationships refreshing and more representative than the usual heteronormative way of being. It is sometimes hard to change the way that culture has prepared us for relationships, so was glad of the space to think and come back to the book.

Highly recommended for anyone who wants to understand themselves better and who wants to see a more intersectional approach to being in relationship.

With thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Síle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Received this book as an ARC. These thoughts are all my own.

If you're not into psychological books, this book isn't for you. But if you are, give it a shot!

I myself liked this. It was a bit difficult to read sometimes cause some of the content is missing, such as certain graphs and tables.
Other than that, I really did appreciate the fact that the authors put you, the reader, first. Your own comfort is of high value in this one.

I loved how this was educative and also kind of a self reflection. The exercises are interesting and fun as well.
You don't have to read this book from front to back. It does help to understand certain parts. But if you want to dig into something specific, you absolutely can!

Overall, educative and pleasant. Enjoyed it a lot!

[Linn J · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was so not my cup of tea at the moment.

The definition of the book is just to heavy. Not the subject but the way how this book is formatted. The authors question the reader all the practical context we have in the society and as individuals.
The book is interactive using: reflection points, activities, multiple experience and slow-down pages.
Which drives the reader to actually reflect it's individual needs and concept of relationship.

I can see this being used of someone that likes to explore the human definition of the concept of relationship in like institutions of Social anthropology, psychology or ethnography.

It's kind of too much, stuffed in one book.

How to Understand Your Relationships: A Practical Guide was maybe not a guide but an interesting idea. It opens up the readers mindset. Question the definition of relationship and broaden it.

Thank you NetGalley for providing me an eArc.

[Elina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Getting into this book was very hard for me, not because of the content, but because of the amount of fluff in the opening pages which just didn't make it something I wanted to reach for so I ended up soft DNF'ing. After almost 4 months, I did go back to it and it wasn't life changing, but it was definitely insightful. Like the start of the book mentions, this won't give you the answers, but it will give you the questions you should be asking which is a better approach since there is no one size fits all with books. The questions posed in the book were quite good, I found, and did turn my mind to things I never really considered. As a result, I was able to learn more about myself, what I want from my relationships, and also I was able to reflect on my current and previous relationships. Another highlight of the book for me were the reflection prompts. I don't journal often, but I can see this being of great value to those who do journal.


One thing I truly appreciated in the early pre-chapter was the trigger warning. As a reader, it allows me to pre assess whether this is a book I would be comfortable with reading which I really loved. I also loved the fact that you don't have to read the whole book start to end, however, I did dislike how long it took to start the book. I understand setting the scene and giving background in books like these is important, but it just went on for a bit too long for me.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Moth · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25/5 stars

How to Understand Your Relationships is a book for self-reflection on your history and perspectives of relationships. It explores pretty much every type of relationships (familial, romantic, nonhuman, etc.) and how our cultural backgrounds affect our relationships.
This book gave me a lot to think about. The authors did a great job at not only exploring “traditional” relationships, but those that most don’t consider when discussing relationships. They discussed relationships with yourself, spiritual relationships, relationships with nature. There was also a lot of discussion of plurality (Meg-John Barker experiences life as a plural system) which I found very interesting.
There are tons of reflection prompts and activities, and I used several of them to reflect on my relationships over time. Throughout the book, there are also “Multiple Perspectives” sections, where they included the others’ relationship experiences. It added some variety to the book, and it helped me to understand some of the concepts better when I could see how they applied.
Most of my issues with this book were personal. I’m a white, straight-passing, cis-passing person who doesn’t have a lot of trauma, so the aspects of the book that dealt with relationship trauma and such didn’t really help me. However, I can absolutely see how it could help people who need to read something like this.
I also tend to struggle with self-help books because the messaging always feels very obvious and repetitive, and I get bored when the ideas are repeated fifty million ways. But that’s a personal issue, so don’t take my word as law. However, there were times where the writing got a little dry, which wasn’t great.
Even so, this book feels like a must-read for all adults (and some teenagers). I will definitely be reading more by the authors.

CW: mentions of abuse; queer/transphobia; sexual assault; bullying

[KC · Rating 2 out of 5]

This wasn't quite what I was expecting and I found it a little dense and hard to get through. Having said that it was very informative and contains a lot of useful statements. However, it just wasn't for me.