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209 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 2010
‘—some people went to the hospital and got a new face, some left the town where they were born and never went back, and some threw large pieces of furniture out the window one by one, smashing cars and the heads of strangers. “To me, sleep disorders are just types of self-regulation,” I said.’
‘—my eyes dried like the shriveled wings of a dead moth. Then I heard her voice — “There’s no need to be afraid—everyone must experience loss through necessary sacrifice. This is how we make this place better, to guarantee our lives. You don’t need to worry that it’s a bad decision, because it’s not a decision, but an obligation. Everyone else our age has already experienced loss, whether or not they can bear it. What right do we have to demand that we live as our whole selves?” I don’t know when I stopped hearing her; I probably fell back asleep before her last sentence—.’
‘I was reminded of the dog May used to have—May’s apartment was in a building where dogs were prohibited, so she had to tie her dog to its cage in the kitchen and teach it to guard its mouth so that it never barked and attracted the attention of prying neighbors. May told me that countless birds and pets lived in that building, and to survive, all of them had learned to silence their voices and hide away their bodies.’
‘My heart was cut out and transplanted into a woman’s body. My right arm was preserved and sent to my aunt, who paired it with her left arm and put them in a blue brocade box with desiccants—I left the muscles around my chest for Lok, but most of them were chopped off by the surgeon performing our separation and thrown out with other surgical waste. The remaining bones and flesh, steeped in a bottle of tea-colored solution, were given to my mother. Whenever her relatives and friends visited, saw the bottle, and gave their polite condolences, my mother would sigh and say, “It’s better to have a boy if you want children. Boys are stronger—have a daughter, and this is all that’s going to be left of her.’
“Which one of my selves should I tame, and how?” I asked her.
“Which one do you wish to kill?” she asked me.
“Which one of them deserves to die?” I asked back.’