He/She/They: How We Talk About Gender and Why It Matters

by Schuyler Bailar

How can we change the conversation around gender, become better allies, challenge misconceptions and make the world a better place?

Anti-transgender legislation is being introduced across the world in record-breaking numbers. Trans people are under attack in sports, healthcare, entertainment, schools, bathrooms and nearly every walk of life.

Schuyler Bailar didn’t set out to be an activist, but his very public transition to the Harvard men’s swim team put him in the spotlight. His choice to be open about his journey and share his experience has touched people around the world. His plain-spoken education has evolved into tireless advocacy for inclusion and collective liberation. In He/She/They, Schuyler uses storytelling and the art of conversation to give us essential language and context of gender, meeting everyone where they are and paving the way for understanding, acceptance and, most importantly, connection. Schuyler clearly and compassionately addresses fundamental topics, from why being transgender is not a choice and why pronouns are important, to more complex issues including how gender-affirming healthcare can be lifesaving and why allowing trans youth to play sports is good for every child.

More than a book on allyship, He/She/They also speaks to trans people directly, answering the question, ‘does it get better?’ with a resounding yes, celebrating radical trans joy. With a relatable narrative rooted in facts, science and history, Schuyler helps restore common sense and humanity to a discussion that continues to be divisively co-opted and deceptively politicized. Myth-busting, affirming and compassionate, He/She/They is a crucial, urgent and lifesaving book that will forever change the conversation about gender.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer, Audiobook, Memoir, Gender, Transgender

384 pages, Paperback

First published October 17, 2023

About the author

Schuyler is the first trans athlete to compete in any sport on an NCAA D1 men’s team, and the only to have competed for all four years. He is an internationally-celebrated inspirational speaker and a respected advocate for inclusion, body acceptance, and mental health awareness.

Schuyler graduated from Harvard College in May 2019 with a degree in Cognitive Neuroscience and Evolutionary Psychology. His studies focused on social emotional learning, emotional intelligence, and education. He is a tireless advocate for inclusion through speaking engagements and social media. Schuyler also holds on-going advisory roles with Monte Nido & Affiliates (the leading eating disorder treatment provider), USA Swimming, the Harvard Medical School Primary Care Review – among others – and is a research assistant at Harvard University.

Reviews

[Traci Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a little lackluster for me as far as writing and style. The information is good and very easy to follow. It felt a bit like a 101 class on trans experiences which I think is valuable for many people, but I wanted a little more from the book. This would be great for young people and parents of young people, teachers, and those family members who just refuse to get it. Its also for any one who wants to support trans folks but don't know where or how to start.

[That One Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly informed, researched and written. This is a book that hopefully can be used as a tool for anyone who wants to learn more about Transgender issues.

What I love is that it is not anyone job to inform and educate us, and for Bailar to make this his mission, is worth so much. Even as someone who has never felt transphobic, I was finding myself often throughout the book reflecting on my own privilege and thoughts, and was able to learn and grow through these pages. I understand how to be a better ally, and hopefully will be able to recognize when I am not in line with that.

Bailar is incredibly well spoken, and patient, and writes in a way that feels both approachable and intelligent. He never came across as condescending or angry, and only seemed interested in ensuring anyone taking the time to read this was given all the information he could give so they could be and do better.

A fantastic book in a time when it’s needed most! Can’t recommend it more!

[Sandy Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible, well researched, must-read book that was insightful and helpful. It's a useful book for those wanting to learn more about trans, be that as an ally or a person questioning their gender. It is useful in terms of helpful terminology explanations and phrasing of words to support the trans community. It leaves you with confidence and information and how to be supportive and how to get involved from using the correct pronouns to advocating trans rights in a world where anti trans legislation is sadly becoming more common. As a cis white woman, it was accessible and enhanced my learning, with the hope and determination that I will become a better ally for maginalised groups. I would say it's an enlightening read for anyone.

[Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic resource for anyone looking for a starting place to become a better ally to trans and non-binary folks.

[Clif Hostetler · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book provides a collection of facts and explanations for commonly experienced aspects of trans people’s lives using a combination of personal narrative, reporting, and scientific and historical analysis. As such the book can serve to enhance understanding among well-meaning cis people by stepping away from the increasingly politicized and unproductive conversations on what it means to be trans and gender nonconforming.

The book is divided into four sections beginning with “Part 1: Gender and Me” in which recommended terminology for use in describing aspects of trans and gender nonconforming is provided. The author recommends everyone share their preferred pronouns, and it follows that “calling trans people the right pronouns can be a key part of affirming and respecting” who they are.

Not offering pronouns implies that other folks should either intuit or know your gender simply from how you look. This perpetuates two false assumptions: first, that everyone's social constructions of gender expression are the same and, second, that gender expression always indicates gender identity. Sharing pronouns not only aims to dismantle both these assumptions, but also creates a safer space for trans and gender nonconforming folks to share our pronouns and be gendered correctly, too.

This part of the book concludes by dispelling some myths regarding gender dysphoria and providing a history of trans medical care.

“Part 2: Gender and Others” begins by the author telling of his own experience of “coming out,” and proceeds with suggestions on how to respond if a friend comes out to them. Next it explores aspects of transphobia including suggestions on how to respond when accused to being transphobic and when others show transphobic behavior. Next some suggestions of what not to say to a trans person are provided.

“Part 3: Gender and Society” describes various aspects of gender affirming care. The author goes on to describe the dilemmas often faced by trans people related to dating and in the use of public restrooms. A lengthy discussion of trans athletes and sports is provided, and the narrative proceeds to cover a variety of subjects including: toxic masculinity, mixed-race identity, intersectionality, and internalized transphobia and its antidote.

“Part 4: Gender and You” concludes the book with a call to action for all cis allies to take a more active role in educating themselves and standing up for trans people.

A Collection of Excerpted Text :
I wish to be respectful of others, but my ill informed cluelessness could cause me to use hurtful terminology, so when I came across the following list of definitions I decided to include it here for my future reference.

TRANSGENDER …
Transgender is an adjective that describes people whose gender identity differs from the gender they were assigned at birth.
…
Here's a quick rundown of some terminology suggestions:
Transgender can be shortened to trans.
…
Trans man / trans woman
• Trans man or transgender man refers to a man assigned female at birth.
• Trans woman or transgender woman refers to a woman assigned male at birth.
• Include a space between trans and man or woman, as omitting this space is often used by trans-exclusionary folks to imply that trans men are not "real" men, but rather some kind of modified version: a transman.
…
Trans masculine / trans feminine
• Trans masculine is an umbrella term that can refer to someone assigned female at birth who does not identify as a girl or woman. …
• Someone assigned female at birth who identifies as non-binary could use the label trans masculine, but not trans man.
• Trans feminine is an umbrella term that can refer to someone assigned male at birth who does not identify as a boy or man.

Transness is a noun that refers to being transgender. I discourage people from using transgenderism because the suffix '-ism' denotes a doctrine, act, practice, belief system, or ideology - none of which apply to being transgender.

Transsexual is an outdated term, most commonly used to describe a trans person who has undergone medical transition, namely surgery. For various reasons, including that many consider transsexual to be pejorative, I strongly advise against using transsexual unless someone uses it to describe themselves.

NON-BINARY
Some individuals' gender does not fit society's current understandings of only “man?' or “woman," and they use non-binary to describe their gender identity. Non-binary is an umbrella term that people use in different ways; …

CISGENDER
In short, if you are not transgender, you are cisgender. That is, if your gender identity matches the gender you were assigned at birth, you are cisgender.
…
TRANSITION
Any steps a person takes to affirm their gender identity. While many folks might think of physical or medical procedures such as surgery or hormone therapy, transitions do not always include these things and can include many others, such as different pronoun usage, wardrobe or name changes, haircuts, and more.

Many used to refer to transitioning as a “sex change." This is largely outdated now, given that sex is not simply male or female (see the section on biological sex), and most trans people do not feel that transitioning is changing their gender, but rather affirming it.

For this reason, we've even seen the introduction of the term gender affirmation, which some use in addition to transition, and others as a replacement.
…
GENDER IDENTITY
The internal sense of one's own gender. Gender identity is often shortened to just gender, although this can sometimes result in confusion because many folks mistakenly believe that gender is the same as sex. This is false!

BIOLOGICAL SEX
Often shortened to just sex, this technically refers to one's reproductive and sexual anatomy, physiology, and biology, usually categorized into a binary of either "male" or"female;" but is most often used to refer to a person's gender assigned at birth. Biological sex is far more complex than we are often taught. …

SEXUALITY
The classification of one's romantic, sexual, or emotional attraction toward others (e.g., gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, queer, asexual, etc.)
…
QUEER
… Queer is an umbrella term that can encompass a variety of sexual and gender identities.
…
GENDER EXPRESSION
This refers to how folks present their gender, including how we talk, how we act, how we look. Gender expression is bound to gender roles by social construction and can change based on time period, culture, geographic location, and other socially influenced factors. …

LANGUAGE IS AN EVOLVING TOOL
… The language I've provided here is widely used and accepted as common and respectful, but if someone you meet uses different language to describe themselves, I always suggest reflecting that language. Listen to the trans people around you.

A point emphasized by this book is that "gender identity" and "biological sex" have different meanings. However, the point is also made that the subject of biological sex is more complicated than determining if the chromosomes are XX or XY — the combinations XXY, XXX, XYY, and X also occur. Additionally, hormones and hormone expression varies and size and appearance of internal and external genitalia can vary which results in people who are "intersex."

Scientists estimate that about 2 percent of the population is intersex. Many intersex advocates assert that this is a significant underestimation because so many individuals do not know that they are intersex; advocates suggest the number is closer to 5 percent of the population. ... In similar statistical comparisons: about 2 percent of the world population has red hair, about 2 percent has green eyes. No one is claiming red hair or green eyes don't exist.

Some Personal Comments
Sharing preferred pronouns by cisgender persons is one way to communicate support and allyship to trans persons. It is also an indication of defiance to the current executive branch of the U.S. Federal Government which has recently directed that all preferred pronouns and references to gender be removed from government websites and emails.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely incredible book. Comprehensive and compassionate and caring. Little bit memoir-y at times, but in a way that serves to illustrate the point that Bailar is illustrating at the time. I very much hope that I am an ally to trans people and trans rights, and picked this up in to learn how to be a better one. Some things just seem like common sense to me (like maybe don't ask people about their genitalia - trans or not) but other things were more nuanced and I really appreciated his perspective and insight on how to navigate those areas with people.

This book covers a LOT of ground, and is rooted in kindness and acceptance and love for the person that someone says they are, rather than the one that society demands they be. And I'm here for it.

Highly recommend this book.

[Fiction Lost and Found (Jackie) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such an intensely eye-opening book. I feel like I am very open-minded and try to treat people properly, but this book made me realize I was missing the mark at times. So much valuable information to absorb so we can make everyone around us feel welcome and loved in their own skin.

[KMart Vet · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned so, so much in this book. It is just such a powerful book.

I would argue that this is both for those wanting to better their cis allyship and also for the trans community to hear about other's stories. It might struggle just a tiny bit, though because it does attempt to straddle that line a little bit. I think those who are trans will be able to skip over a few parts unless they are interested in getting a better way of teaching others in their lives in a patient and understanding way - and the author assures that is NOT those people's job. Only if they want it to be.

Still, as a cis ally, I learned so much and I'm so grateful. I laughed and I cried. Amazing source.

[Sarah Jamieson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book if you want to learn more about the trans community, how to be an ally, or the gender binary. I so appreciate the author/narrator’s openness and patience when discussing his journey and the realities of cishet privilege. Good one to listen to!

[Mai H.]

Pride TBR

📱 Thank you to NetGalley and Hachette Go

[laurel [the suspected bibliophile] · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Confusion and not knowing are exactly where we grow and learn more about ourselves."

An accessible read on transness and cisness and how the idea of a gender binary is complete bunk.

I think that this is a solid primer on people wanting to learn more and on learning to be allies (it doesn't rise to the level of accomplice), as it clearly lines how important it is to be (at the bare minimum) accepting of trans people, particularly trans youth.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

There was a LOT of terminology to absorb in this memoir slash guide to trans allyship by trans author and activist Schuyler Bailar. While it was a bit long, it is also SUCH an important tool for people to better understand all the complexities of transgender people and ways we all need to do better to support them both as individuals and as a society on whole. Great on audio read by the author himself and interspersed with both personal anecdotes of his own and others. Definitely a must read perfect for fans of books like Beyond the gender binary by Alok Vaid-Menon.

[Boris · Rating 2 out of 5]

Trans and queer folk have been waiting for a long time for a book that clearly and effectively advocates for their position and rights, relates their frustrations and fears, and proposes workable solutions in our conflicted society. This is not that book. Let me tell you why:

Language is so confused on the topic of transgender rights... without a commonly understood, inherently consistent language, how can a dialogue be sustained?! So it was encouraging to read at the beginning, Baylar arguing for clear and unambiguous language! But he fails to follow through.

Throughout the book, he uses inconsistent, confused, ambiguous, even contradictory language, for example often using the word “gender” when it seems he means “sex” (biological sex), or such as using the phrase “gender assigned at birth” when simply “sex” is the meaning. (The phrase "gender assigned at birth" originally has a very specific meaning related only to the surgical intervention/treatment of an intersex infant). This language hides that sex is something that is simply observed at birth; it’s not gender, and it’s not assigned (in 99.95% of births, see below). On the other hand, gender is a free performative expression of the self, which should be protected for all individuals. In this book, you’ll look in vain for such a clear definition and use of these fraught words.

But these are not the only words used to mislead or obfuscate. For another example, Bailar’s use of the words “top surgery” hides the meaning of bilateral mastectomy. Or “bottom surgery” instead of vaginoplasty, hysterectomy, castration... Unclear or undefined language cannot effectively advance your ideas or advocacy. At best, it leads to misunderstandings. At worst, it leads to mistrust.

Beyond the confusing use of language are problems with Bailar’s logic. If the conclusions do not logically follow from a given argument, then that argument is not going to help your advocacy. There are such arguments on almost every page, that are either hard to believe, or flat-out puzzling. I can offer just few examples.

Early in the book, in chapter 2, Bailar argues passionately for the notion that biological sex is not binary. To explain, Bailar puts up a chart with two gaussian distributions (presumably indicating population) that appear to merge, one peak marked Male, the other Female. But this graphic clearly illustrates the idea that biological sex is a binary, that there are only two sexes, Male and Female. In other words, no third (or other) sex is indicated and labelled. Why draw the chart like that? There is a label “Intersex” for the region between the two sexes, where the curves for Male and Female appear to overlap, but this is obviously not a third sex, or any other kind of sex.

Worse, the graphic misleads grossly as to the (presumably) numbers of male, female, and intersex persons, given the various physical morphologies that people are observed to exhibit. Despite only one author (that Bailar fails to cite: Anne Fausto-Sterling) claiming in one ESSAY (not even a scholarly paper: “The Five Sexes” published 1993) thirty years ago that 1.7% of the population is intersex, Bailar claims that scientists generally agree 2% of the population is intersex. This is flat-out wrong, as a quick review of the scholarly literature will show. Today, scholars (sex researchers) generally agree that about 0.05% of births exhibit a clinically accepted definition of intersex morphology (i.e. ambiguous genitalia or reproductive organs, where a surgical intervention might be considered, to thus “assign” an unambiguous sex to the infant). But if you “read” Bailar’s chart illustrating intersex population, you would have to conclude that 30 or 40% of people are intersex. Unfortunately, the citing of a long out-of-date non-scholarly essay to support your argument, bolstered by a patently distorted and self-contradictory graphic, casts all subsequent arguments that Bailar makes into doubt, especially when he invites us to “look at the science” (which he does frequently). And this casting of doubt happens in chapter 2, right at the beginning of the book!

(By the way, Anne Fausto-Sterling updated her thinking about intersex in a subsequent essay, “The Five Sexes, Revisited” published in 2000, where she writes, “It might seem natural to regard intersexuals and transgendered people as living midway between the poles of male and female. But male and female, masculine and feminine, cannot be parsed as some kind of continuum.”)

Why does Bailar do this? It does not help the advocacy of queer and trans people, to exaggerate and simply mis-state demonstrated, established scientific evidence. Adding insult to injury, the entire Chapter 2 is really quite unnecessary. The plight of intersex infants is not much related to the social challenges faced by people who are transgender, most of whom were born quite unambiguously male or female. Or in other words, the social difficulties facing trans and queer folks do not flow from biology. They flow from social constructs, from what is socially accepted, as Bailar constantly reminds us (and I agree). So then, why Chapter 2 about biology? It just doesn’t make sense.

In chapter 10, Bailar uses the example of talking to children, who then agree with what he says, to buttress another claim that simply does not follow logically. In discussing his own morphology, and disclosing to the kids that he has had only “top surgery,” Bailar answers a child’s follow-up question about the female parts that he has decided to keep in his abdomen: i.e. his vagina, uterus, ovaries. Bailar explains that the parts a person has should not define their gender, do not define his gender. Bailar says, “... that doesn’t mean my parts are any less a man’s [parts].” This claim begs an obvious question immediately: why then did Bailar have his breasts removed? Are breasts not man parts? Did Bailar get his double mastectomy, because he wants to be oppressed by the social construct of what it means to appear male? (...and in so doing, forever give up the chance to breastfeed the babies to whom he might one day give birth?)

The confused and contradictory thesis of this book is reflected even on the cover artwork. There is a picture of Bailar looking about as masculine as possible: he’s got the mustache, the burly biceps, and the slightly too-tight T-shirt covering an apparently very masculine frame, and I would add, a certain male “swagger” in the look and pose he gives the camera. If the book is going to do any good breaking down the arguably stifling and oppressive, traditional and exclusive M-F gender social construct/division, why is Bailar buying into it with such evident enthusiasm!? The only details missing on his photo are the “MOM/anchor” tattoo on the bicep, and/or a pack of Lucky Strikes rolled up in one of the T-shirt’s already too tight sleeves. I think this cover photo really undermines the message the book is trying to convey. One can judge this book by its cover: the message is incoherent.

I agree with other reviewers, that Bailar's memoir sketches are the most valuable part of this book, but these do not offset the other weaknesses. This book is a difficult read even for people who are allies, because it is full of confusing and illogical claims and arguments, all presented in language that make it difficult to parse the true meaning. But this is my take... whether you’re and ally or not, you should read it for yourself!

[Sarah Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Required reading!

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been following Schulyer on social media for awhile so I was excited to get an advanced copy of his book. Not only do I recommend following Schulyer on social media, I definitely also recommend this book. It's a great resource for learning accurate facts about trans folks in a variety of different areas, including gender affirming care and trans folks in sports. Schuyler is an expert in trans education and this book is the perfect companion piece for that work.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

(White, non-binary reviewer here)

A must read for anyone looking to educate themselves on gender, trans folks, cis awareness of trans issues and how they can be better allies, and/or ways to be more aware and sensitive of gender diversity. Written by a biracial trans man, He/She/They provides a perspective that deserves to be amplified and heard loudly. Whether you consider yourself an expert on gender, a novice, or anywhere in the middle, you’ll find that you can learn something from this book. Seriously, read it for all your trans friends if nothing else.

[Madi Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I was in charge every Cis person would have this book are required reading. Schuyler (a criminal way to spell Skylar) does such a good job on touching on every issue, uncomfortable question, and the intersectionality of transness. I disagree with the people who say this has a textbook feel to it. Schuyler shared his own personal journey and hardships to connect them to the educational points he’s teaching. One of my favorite ones being that Curiosity is natural and that’s okay! But your curiosity doesn’t mean you are owed answers or that you can invade peoples boundaries.

[Kori · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book deepened my empathy, gave me better language, and reminded me how important it is to listen, learn, and keep showing up. Highly recommend for anyone looking to better support the trans and nonbinary people in their life.

[Theo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bailar is the most patient and gentle with cis people. He deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

This is a must-read for anyone wanting to understand the basics about trans people, our humanity, current issues, and just how to be normal around trans people. He/She/They will be my go-to book for anyone wanting or needing a trans 101. Which is exactly why I read this book, as I don't give people books to educate themselves without reading them first.

There is a lot about sports, as he was a competitive swimmer in high school and college, and he was the first openly trans man to compete at Harvard on their swim team. Too often, these debates about sports not only have zero trans voices, but they don't include trans athletes.

I'm really thankful for Bailar and his capacity to be vulnerable and assume good intentions. This is hard work that is extremely taxing, and he does it with incredible grace and empathy.

[Jaclyn Hogan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a digital ARC of this book from Netgalley.

Schuyler Bailar's new memoir is a fantastic achievement. Bailar, the first openly transgender NCAA division I swimmer, is incredibly well placed to talk about a bunch of current culture war issues, including healthcare for trans kids, trans athletes, and the myriad joys and struggles that trans people regularly face.

It's legit amazing how open about his experiences Bailar is. He walks the reader through his personal struggles to accept and understand his gender identity in an incredibly open, accepting, and warm way. He talks specifics about his body and life in a way that would be radical for anyone, and is at least doubly so for a trans person, who often deal with really personal, uncomfortable, and just rude questions about their bodies.

This is a great, accessible primer on trans identity, with a lot of in depth discussion correcting myths and lies that tend to take center stage in most discussions about trans people. Do you have questions about what it means to be trans? Does uncle Frank make an ass of himself misgendering Lia Thomas and you need an intelligent rebuttal? Do you want to read a heartfelt memoir about self discovery? Then pick this one up.

[Catherine Hayden · Rating 3 out of 5]

hmmmmbdjdhdjdhjd I don’t know how to rate this. This book was a weird mix of speaking to cis people about how to be better allies and speaking to trans people about acceptance/how to interact with cis people. I think it can be a beneficial guide for people who don’t know much about trans people and want to be a better ally. I also think it can be a good place for people who are just discovering their identity/coming into trans spaces (ex: who is it hurting for you if your identity isn’t 100% accurate). I also liked the final section about Schuyler’s coming out to his grandparents

BUT

it was kind of surface level? I guess I’m not sure what I expected and I understand this serves as more of an overview of a lot of things, but I remember putting the book down 22% of the way through and realizing that not a single new thing had been said. I didn’t keep track the rest of the book but it really felt like a lot of the same. maybe it’s because I’ve been in queer spaces for a decade but so much of this book felt obvious and I think it struggled with who the intended audience was, with probably 70% talking to cis people and 30% talking to trans people. I think I also would’ve liked it more if it was more autobiographical. As it is, it’s a mix of straight up information with some scenes from his life sprinkled in. Also these anecdotes from his life were almost all him nobly correcting people on gender issues and them being open to understanding, at least after a bit. Obviously this is important to show real world examples of how to correct people, but I wish he’d talked more about how he got to that stage of being able to correct people without being “too emotional” or taking it too personally or whatever, since I think that’s what most readers might struggle with. I felt like sometimes it came across as if Schuyler were perfect and trans education and always had been and almost everyone was willing to listen to his voice of reason when I know that can’t be true. He admits to yelling at his dad and I’m not saying he needs to tell us every place he’s faltered, but I think that/hearing more about his other experiences in general would have helped make him more relatable or make his character seem more achievable to this audience that is clearly not full of seasoned trans elders. Oh, also he says all cis people should always share their pronouns but trans people don’t have to if they aren’t ready/aren’t comfortable. SO TRUE but I also think that expecting cis people to always share their pronouns means that no non-cis person can really get away with not sharing theirs without sticking out. Obviously it’s a tough situation because sharing pronouns is great and normalizing it is important, but I guess I just don’t want cis people to think that they should demand all their cis peers to share their pronouns constantly because you don’t really know if that cis peer is actually cis. Idk definitely a tough situation but I guess ideally I’d like 90% of cis people offered up pronouns but 10% didn’t then it might make the percent of trans people who don’t want to share not stick out as much. Idk how you get to that ratio or even if that’s for sure the best scenario but I wish that were something he addressed instead of leaving out the obvious result of these two situations (all cis people share but trans/gender questioning people don’t have to = those who don’t share will stick out as obviously trans/gender questioning).

Because I suppose I’m not the audience for this, I don’t want to give it too poor of a review. I was between 3 and 4, although for my personal reading experience/view of it was like a 2. I definitely think that this can be a helpful, affirming guide for people, but I personally found it, as another reviewer said, lackluster.

As always shoutout to all the people who found comfort in this!! Also shoutout to Karmyn for the good review of this which made me read it because even if I didn’t connect in the same way I still love when people give glowing reviews and I’m always willing to try a book as a result.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

My son gifted HE/SHE/THEY by Schuyler Bailar to me for Christmas because he was tired of me asking him questions about gender and gender identity. For some reason, my two Gen Z kids had a full grasp of the nuances in gender identity, whereas I was struggling to wrap my head around the idea that gender is not solely biological. I followed Mr. Bailar on Insta during the pandemic, and I always found him to be a gentle voice, insightful, and very open about his life. Therefore, it was not a hardship to crack open this gift and set myself to learning so that I could become a better ally for anyone who does not fit the cishet mold.

The way in which Mr. Bailar presents each chapter topic is as gentle, insightful, and open as his online presence. He shares some facet of his past or present struggles, being incredibly honest about his pain and suffering as well as his joy. More importantly, he includes as much research as possible, with lengthy footnotes and a comparable bibliography to support his findings. While I realize this is not as important to a certain demographic as it once was, I still appreciate any declaration of facts and statistics when making a statement.

What I found particularly helpful, though, was the way he asks the reader to reconsider the question or opinion. Suppose your opinion or question sounds ridiculous or intrusive when framed as a question about race or food. In that case, it is equally as ridiculous or intrusive when it comes to gender identity. I've read many books about race, class, and feminism over the years, but not once have I had an author suggest the simple act of reframing a question or an opinion to check its validity. This struck me as such a profound idea that I literally had to stop reading for a while as I absorbed its importance.

Mr. Bailar has so many good things to say, too. I found myself sharing as much as I could with my husband, even though I am already insisting it is the very next book he selects to read. Mr. Bailar wasn't saying anything new about certain topics, to me anyway, but the way he talked about certain ideas made me reconsider and reevaluate them because I had never considered them in that same light. These were lightbulb moments, and there were so many of them for me throughout the book.

At the same time, I recognize how generous Mr. Bailar is with his story. His experiences as a young child and then a teenager longing to "fit in' are painful to read, but he shares his story so that we may understand the depths of suffering children struggling with their given-at-birth gender identity experience from a young age. He shares his pain with the hope that at least one person will not have to suffer as he did. In that way, HE/SHE/THEY is a beautiful pledge of support and love for those trying to navigate the murky waters of gender identity in a world that is fighting against inclusion and acceptance of any sort.

I opened HE/SHE/THEY with the wish to finally understand how gender is not solely related to the sex organs. I closed Mr. Bailar's book armed with statistics and tools to use when advocating on behalf of the entire LGBTQIA+ community. I walk away from the book with a feeling of hope that, with leaders like Schulyer Bailar doing the hard things to pave the way, society will change for the better.

[eeaagg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Schuyler is doing the absolute most for his transcestors and trans community. This book seems to function as a resource for cis ppl & a shield for trans ppl covering many aspects of the trans experience. I cried on the train hearing the story of him “coming out” to his halmeoni & hal-abeoji. 😭

Stand-out & summary quotes for me:

“I do not want to live my life dismissing history. I want to live my life constantly integrating new information, updating my thoughts, beliefs, & opinions. I hope that you will join me.” Chapter 3

“Far more hatred is taught through silence & inaction, than active hateful action. Say something.” Chapter 9

❗️“We transition to be happy; we transition to live.” ❗️Chapter 10

“Gender identity is not a decision. Trans children do not decide to be trans, they decide to tell you.” Chapter 11

“Your preferences are inextricable from a transphobic world.” Chapter 15

“Im often asked, Why these attacks on trans people are culminating now? Why are trans people seen as a threat? Trans people are a threat because our very identities disrupt the basic conventions of western society — cis, white, patriarchal power. The systems that has built and controlled this country (US) since its conception. Because we know ourselves even when those in power say it is impossible for us to exist. Transness is incredibly powerful and terrifying to thise in power. Our truth demands the world to ask themselves, “what is possible when cis white straight men do not make all the rules and control all other bodies.” Chapter 21

“Rejection of transness is rarely about transness itself, but rather about what it stirs or threatens in others.” Conclusion

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

First of all, love this book in that the author is (my) hometown hero. I swam with Schuyler when I was younger, which is to say Schuyler is a few years younger than me and was breaking every long-standing pool record at age 8 while I was a warm body to fill a swim lane. Second of all, this should be required reading for all. I expected this to be a memoir but it’s more of a “teaching” book with stories from Schuyler’s life woven in as examples. I learned a lot and appreciated how poised Schuyler is. It took me awhile to read because it wasn’t always easy to jump back in, but very important. I’d like to hear Schuyler’s perspective in 2024 and 2025 now that Trump is back in office and there’s more anti-trans legislation than I thought possible, so I’ll have to look on social media for his insight.

[nara ᵔ◡ᵔ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like I learnt so much from this book and I honestly couldn't recommend it enough to anyone looking to educate themselves on trans issues and gender in general! Schuyler goes in depth to explain useful terminology as well as breaking down how something as small as changing your choice of words can have the biggest impact.

This book invites and encourages you to question everything you've been taught about gender whilst also teaching you how to advocate for trans rights. Schuyler's writing is so easy to understand and I feel like the way I view both the world and myself has changed drastically! I'll definitely be picking up more books to educate myself further, but I feel like this was a really accessible and informative resource to start with!

4 stars!
★★★★

[Erea · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Cuando lo reseñes te van a cancelar”, “Te va caer hate”, “Se te van a ir seguidores”… esos fueron los mensajes que recibí al subir este libro a stories. Los tres mensajes eran con intención de protegerme, a mí, que soy una mujer cis blanca y hetero, solo por leer e informar sobre género, sobre derechos, sabiendo el odio que mueven las redes, así que imaginaros el acoso que sufren estas personas.

Voy al grano, es uno de los mejores libros de memorias queer que he leído. Shuyler Bailar, nadador coreano-estadounidense, el primer atleta abiertamente transgénero que compite en cualquier equipo masculino en NCAA, divulgador y un ser humano completamente generoso contando paso a paso su vida, su proceso, transición, sus experiencias, denunciando situaciones, desmontado bulos, dando datos (tanto psicólogicos, médicos como sociales), pruebas y educando.

Empezando por la demonización de la gente trans fomentada por medios y políticos en una sociedad arcaica con mensajes como “erradicar esa ideología” “hay que proteger a los niños”

¿Sabéis que la tasa de suicidio de niñes trans es peligrosamente elevada? ¿Que cualquier persona trans tiene el doble de posibilidades de sufrir una agresión sexual? ¿Que sufren discriminación y malos tratos en el sistema de salud? como acoso verbal, violencia… ¿que se les niegan servicios?

Cuando en charlas le preguntan al padre de Shuy por qué o cómo pudo apoyarle siempre responde: <>. Ese es el motor de porqué leo estes libros, a largo plazo no quiero ser la madre o la tía que no sepa dar un lugar seguro a mis sobrinos o a mis hijos… A corto plazo no quiero ser la persona que ofenda, que no respete algo tan simple como los pronombres, que alguien se sienta incómodo por mi manera de proceder hacia él/ella o elle.

Esta es una herramienta más en mi continua deconstrucción, leyendo me he dado cuenta de pensamientos absurdos que tengo que corregir.

Los libros son mi vida pero lo social siempre irá primero así que seguramente este sea uno de los libros más importantes que veáis en mi cuenta. No tenemos que entender para poder aceptar, respetar y querer. Como dice Shuyler, a veces la comprensión es lo último que llega y no pasa nada.

Por favor, ser respetuosos en comentarios, os leo.
Un abrazo. Erea 👋🏻❤️

[Rosalyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This will be the best book I've read this year.
Schuyler is an excellent communicator. Whoever you are, trans or not, I think you could learn something from his book, whether it's how to advocate for trans people or feel validation in your transness. This book is beautifully intersectional, something that I find many other books lack. It speaks volumes how Schuyler is willing to take the time to acknowledge the privilege he has, even as a trans man. With this, he allows space for people of other marginalized identities to express their experiences. There was clearly so much work and love that went into the writing and research of this book. I am beyond impressed and so happy that this book exists. Everyone, please read this if you have the chance.

[Kortney · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is such a great resource for anyone wanting to understand better, empathize with, and open their hearts and minds to the trans community. I think Schuyler Bailar approaches each section with love and care. At times, I found myself unable to understand how he can be so calm and patient about the awful things that have happened to him and other trans folks. It was a very emotional read, and I really hope this book finds its way into many, many hands.

[Laura Petto · Rating 3 out of 5]

Much more of gender 101 text than a memoir. Strongest parts were familial memoir chapters, weakest were the example situations explaining concepts, which seemed a bit forced at times. The issue of trans people in sports chapters disappointed me a bit- not that I disagree with him but I think more evidence based discussion was warranted, especially wrt the policing of black bodies

[Casually Bookish Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was so well researched and written, and I would highly recommend it as a resource for anyone looking to become a better ally to the queer community, especially trans and non-binary members. Eye-opening and emotional, this book is on my re-read list. There was a lot of terminology to absorb in this, and one read-through does not feel like enough to fully process and understand every piece of information.