A Loss for Words: The Story of Deafness in a Family – A Deeply Moving Memoir of a Hearing Child of Deaf Parents

by Lou Ann Walker

"A deeply moving, often humorous, and beautiful account of what it means to be the hearing child of profoundly deaf parents . . . I have rarely read anything on the subject more powerful or poignant than this extraordinary personal account by Lou Ann Walker." — Oliver Sacks From the time she was a toddler, Lou Ann Walker acted as the ears and voice for her parents, who had lost their hearing at a young age. As soon as she was old enough to speak, her childhood ended, and she immediately assumed the responsibility of interpreter—translating doctors’ appointments and managing her parents’ business transactions. Their family life was warm and loving, but outside the home, they faced a world that misunderstood and often rejected them.  In this deeply moving memoir, Walker offers us a glimpse of a different world, bringing with it a broader reflection on how parents grow alongside their children and how children learn to navigate the world through the eyes of their parents.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Disability, Biography, School, Biography Memoir, Read For School

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1986

Reviews

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not a CODA, but I am a sign language interpreter, so I understood much of what Lou Ann Walker was trying to express in her beautiful memoir A Loss for Words. I interpret for school-age children with varying degrees of hearing loss and the stories about Ms. Walker's parents growing up deaf in hearing families so closely mirror the experiences of the children with whom I work, it was astonishing to see that not much has changed since this book was first published (1986). Most of the deaf children I know have parents who cannot communicate fluently with them, much like the author's parents could not communicate fluently with their own hearing parents.

I loved reading about Ms. Walker's experiences interpreting. In the interpreting world CODAs have an almost mystical/legendary status; they are viewed as uber-fluent in the language, having grown up immersed in the culture. Some of her feelings I couldn't relate to fully, not having grown up in the same situation she did, but much of what she related I could empathize with completely. I have seen so many instances of misunderstanding and even ignorance and audism in my time as an interpreter and I've only been interpreting for four years.

One of the passages that really struck me was when Ms. Walker talks about deaf people seeing things as either "right/wrong, yes/no, good/bad," with no creativity or sense of a "gray area." I see this everyday in the students with whom I work. I work very hard to try to expose them to different ways of seeing things, to explain that there can be more than one answer sometimes. I agree with Ms. Walker that much of this sense of rigidness in thinking comes from the inability of the deaf children to communicate fluently with their parents. Their parents are only able to communicate simple yes or no answers, not to explain the complexities of life.

Thank you, Ms. Walker, for sharing this story of your family.

[Kadence · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite what everyone else in class says I enjoyed it. I like how relatable certain parts were. There were no boring parts and it was an interesting story all throughout.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being someone who grew up with deaf parents, I found this book very touching. It hit very close to home many of the points that I have grown up with in terms of having deaf parents and being raised in a deaf home. In addition, this book is well-written and captures and keeps your attention immediately.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although my daughter tried to explain deaf "culture" to me when she attended college for deaf interpretation, and I went to hear Marley Matlin speak at the Weidner Center, I couldn't quite understand the depth of the difference in the hearing world and the deaf world. Now I'm beginning to. This book is the catharsis for that understanding. I strongly urge everyone who has any inkling of interest in deafness to read this book. Amazing.

[Bowen · Rating 1 out of 5]

A loss for Words, by Lou Ann Walker is about the life of a girl growing up in a house with deaf parents. Walker describes in detail the joy, humor, and the confusion of her childhood and the ongoing struggle with audists that continually embarrass her and make fun of her parents proud deaf culture.
Some may like this book but in context this book is unsatisfying and frankly, boring to read. The book has no defined plot and the conflict that was present is non-relatable. The humor is dry, the text was repeated several times, and the end was terrible. Overall the book was one of the worst books of all time! Not something to spend your $11 on. If you do start it it is likely you will not finish.

[Kendra Kerber · Rating 2 out of 5]

4.5/10 fine
It was a little boring
Good ending

[Jamie Collins · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars. This is a memoir, published in 1987, by a hearing woman raised by deaf parents. Much of it is really interesting, but the author’s self-pity mars the book somewhat. It’s fairly well written, although there’s some awkwardness which made me think it was the work of a good amateur, not something from a professional writer.

Her parents were loving and conscientious, and she describes her home and childhood as happy. The difficulties came from dealing with other people, who gawked at their use of sign language in public, or assumed that a lack of hearing indicated a lack of intelligence. She began translating adult transactions for her parents at an early age, which she found uncomfortable because of her own shyness, and because she felt compelled to protect them from insensitive remarks about “mutes” or “dummies”.

(Towards the end of the book she expresses the trauma this caused her: “I had explained and recounted and been the voice. A robot of words and sounds… I have talked and listened and heard and there is no me! I have heard and hidden the insults so long, I have been the conduit so long that I am disappearing!)

I liked the way she illustrates sign language. She often describes individual signs during her narrative, and it’s a nice touch.

She does not discuss “deaf” vs. “Deaf” culture specifically, but she does say (keeping in mind that this was written 30 years ago) that “deafness is a culture every bit as distinctive as any an anthropologist might study…. There are deaf social clubs, national magazines, local newspapers, fraternal organizations, insurance companies, athletic competitions, colleges, beauty pageants, theater groups, even deaf street gangs… deafness seems to take precedence over almost everything else in a person’s life. A deaf person raised Catholic will more likely attend a Baptist deaf service than a hearing mass.”

I did not much enjoy the last quarter of the book, where she writes at length about the deaf street gang, and about the injustices she saw while working as a translator for deaf people who have been arrested for a crime.

The book was published before the advent of cell phones, and after reading some of her anecdotes - like being locked out of the house and unable to get the attention of her mother inside, or having to turn on the lights to tell her parents something at night - I suppose that vibrating cell phones and text messages are quite useful to deaf people, as they are to everyone.

[Tracy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for an inside look at ASL culture. So many things I've never thought of as a barrier between the hearing and deaf cultures.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

born: Indiana, Dec 1952
The last part of the book is the strongest (hence the 4-stars), but the earlier pages are necessary for providing evidence for Walker's ultimate insights. At no point was I 'bored.'

Writing a memoir must be a challenge. What to include? What to omit? What would be the reaction of friends and family? Is it unbiased?

Of course it's not unbiased, especially wrt this memoir. Ms Walker is describing her own experiences as they relate to being the oldest child of profoundly deaf parents. She relates incidents that she feels are unique to her personal situation ... and in general, I suspect she's selected wisely. She's the only person who knows what she experienced. I am left with admiration for her parents, who seem to have coped amazingly well in a world that isn't often welcoming.

My main insight? Probably something about the nature of ASL (American Sign Language). I din't know that it had its own rules of syntax and grammar. Nor did I realize that ...
p 120 As you're expressing yourself, the ideas don't just go from your brain out your mouth. The emotion, the feelings circulate through your body, through the way you hold your shoulders, through your hips and legs and neck and cheeks and brows. The thoughts go through your head and arms and hands and fingers to someone's eyes, And although signs aren't a dramatization, there is such a close relationship between certain signs and what they represent that it can feel as if you're acting out much of what you say. You can't escape the emotion of a story. It reverberates through you.

And then on p 143:
The language is so physical that signers are far more engaged with each other during a conversation than are most people who talk. You move and the other person moves with you. It's eyes and faces and hands and legs and torsos.

I'm left wondering, can a person who isn't immersed in that culture ever become fluent in ASL?

As I read, I kept thinking about a little girl I met many years ago. She was three years old and profoundly deaf. Her parents asked if I'd watch her while they went in to talk to the Doctor. I was alone with the child in a fairly spacious waiting room. The parents tried to let the child know that they would be back soon, but the child would have none of it. She sobbed and called out (not intelligible to me) and wouldn't look at me. At one point, I offered my hand but that just escalated her distress. I felt helpless, and it was apparent that unless the child wanted something from me, there was very little I could do. (Except keep her safe.) Ever since that experience, I've been intrigued by the various methods that have been used to communicate with those who cannot hear.

[Alexandra Elend Wolf]

This book was recommended to me in my Neurobiology course and sounds very interesting.

I'm pretty sure I'll very getting to it soon. Or, at least as soon as I can.

[Jordan Garcia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to read this book for my ASL 1 class this past semester and I have to say it was a good read. I gave it 3 stars only because no matter what it is I never throughly enjoy non-fiction. But seeing what it would be like growing up with deaf parents when you yourself is hearing was very informative and interesting. I do recommend it.

[Amy Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m keeping in mind this book was written in the 1970’s and published in the 1980’s. The author has a downward view of deafness and often says condescending things about her parents in form of a compliment. For example, stating her parents were pretty smart in spite of their deafness. It could be interesting for a historical account of what it’s like to be a CODA. However with technology in play now a lot of the issues she expressed are now obsolete. Author seems ashamed and bothered by her deaf parents the whole book.

[Melissa Pleasant · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a child of 2 profoundly deaf adults myself.. reading this book validated a lot of my personal thoughts and experiences. It ranges from quirky inside jokes to deeply moving milestones. Most importantly it shows the beauty of empathy and kindness we all need to instill in our own lives.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lou Ann, forced to grow up very quicky from sheer necessity, begins acting as interpreter for her deaf parents in day to day situations, navigating the highs and lows of life together.

[Margaret · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting and enlightening book. An easy read, which I especially need during these crazy times. Ms. Walker is a journalist, so the writing is straight forward and unadorned.

[Jason Pettus · Rating 4 out of 5]

As friends know, here at the age of 50 I've started learning American Sign Language (ASL) for the first time, and am doing a deep dive into the politics and culture of the Deaf community with a capital "D," as a way of compensating for my ever-decreasing hearing and hopefully opening a new avenue for my shrinking social life. (See my review of A Deaf Adult Speaks Out for a long explanation of what exactly "Deaf culture" is, and why it's so important to learn about before getting involved with the community.) Today's book is most notable for being the very first mainstream-published memoir by a hearing child of deaf parents, known in the Deaf community by the term "child of deaf adults" or CODA. Unfortunately, though, the first 75 percent of it is only mediocre as a piece of literature, beyond its basic academic value as a historical document; by definition it's a biography of an utterly average American family that never did anything particularly outstanding beyond what any other average middle-class American family achieves, and so is a long rambling tale full of everyday stories that are hard to really get into.

The last 25 percent, though, picks up quite a bit, which is why I'm ultimately giving this 4 stars instead of 3; for once Walker reaches college and then adulthood, all the so-so childhood stories from the first part of the book take on a new meaning and resonance, as she gets old enough to realize the complex emotions (pride, shame, guilt, longing, a yearning for independence) that those experiences have instilled in her, which then influences her event-filled twenties in Manhattan as a publishing editor by day, sign language interpreter for courts and doctors by night, and her eventual obsession with an all-deaf street gang that ran around the streets of New York during the dangerous pre-gentrified 1970s. When the story all comes together like this at the end, it's nothing short of riveting; but for the large portion of the manuscript where we're still waiting to get there, the narrative is unfortunately not much more useful than for classroom assignments to learn about everyday deaf life from the 1930s through '60s. It comes with a limited recommendation in this specific spirit.

[Badly Drawn Girl · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first I was worried that I was going to be disappointed in this book. It started out slowly, and I felt like there was something missing. I didn't feel much emotionally for the narrator or her family. And then suddenly, the book shifted and I realized the slow, unemotional beginning was on purpose.

A Loss for Words deals with deafness in a family of 5. The parents are both deaf, following health issues in early childhood, and have 3 hearing daughters. From the outside, everything looks pretty perfect. The daughters are loving and close with their parents, their parents are compassionate and involved. But as their eldest daughter, Lou Ann, heads off to college, she is forced to reconcile her feelings of guilt.

Her whole life she experienced a major role reversal, as the eldest hearing daughter, she became her parents ears and their voice. She was constantly put in the middle of situations where she felt the need to protect her parents from the truth, people who would make rude comments and unfairly judge her parents as being deaf "and dumb." She felt like others didn't get to know her parents for who they really are, instead everything about them was colored by their lack of hearing. Even within their own families they were misunderstood.

In adulthood Lou Ann allowed that guilt to take the reigns, and she soon found herself in over her head. She becomes an advocate and interpreter for the deaf community but discovers that it's bringing up issues from childhood she never dealt with. Lou Ann has to take a step back, and really come to terms with her complicated feelings surrounding her childhood, her parents and deafness in general.

A Loss for Words is an eye opening book about the deaf community. It's a moving, tear jerking and inspirational book that I highly recommend.

[Lysa Yotter · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a requirement in my Deaf Culture class but I was surprised that I was drawn in by the first couple chapters. Walker goes into depths to even the most shameful and vulnerable moments in her life. She allows the reader to see what happens in her life, as a CODA, on a daily basis. Her parents who are deaf are exposed for the world to better understand exactly what it is like to be Deaf. One of the main reasons I enjoyed this book was that it did not pity Deaf people. There were no moments where I felt sorry for the Deaf community because Walker not only shows you the hardships but how they overcame them together. The purpose of this book was to expose the Deaf community to those that are curious and want to learn. It is very informative but at the same time I found myself falling in love with the characters. It's worth reading and I feel like this book could be just as helpful to educate yourself on Deaf culture as any textbook. Walker helps you to be more culturally sensitive and see that Deaf people are just like anybody else. "Normal".

[Luanne Castle · Rating 4 out of 5]

My daughter was in high school, and she was taking ASL classes. She read A Loss for Words by Lou Ann Walker for a book report for class. I thought I would read it as well. I’m one of those moms who gets interested in their kids’ activities, even if their stuff is unfamiliar to me (like ASL).

I never would have picked up this book otherwise, but I am glad I did. As I read, I kept thinking, “Wow, now I know what it is like to grow up as the hearing child of deaf parents.”

I learned about the family members and, through them, had a look at various aspects of living deaf in this country over a period spanning many decades of the 20th century. And I was moved by the protagonist, her situation, and by the character of her parents.

[Dennis Doucette · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. As a son of deaf parents (both now deceased), I had so many shared moments and memories with the Walker Family even though their experience was in Indiana and ours was Massachusetts. It brought back sorrow, happiness, guilt, embarrassment, pride, loss, misunderstanding and a sense of community. Walker had me finger spelling and watching her signs throughout the book. She is a fine story teller. As my deaf Mom said on several occasions, I am not disabled, I just cannot hear!

[Robyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a CODA myself I could relate to so much that she was saying. Although we grew up in different times there was not much difference in our lives. I was an only child though and did not have the siblings to share the ups and downs with. It is just a small fraction of the day in the life of and I thank her for sharing this.

[Mia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Required reading for my Deaf culture and society class but I totally adored it. Great story about what it's like to grow up deaf, having deaf parents vs hearing parents, and just a deep look into what the history of deaf education has looked like for so many young Americans in the early to late 1900s.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lou Ann Walker does a wonderful job of taking the reader into the deaf world of previous decades. I don't know if it has changed in recent years, but it is well-written, heart-breaking, beautiful and loving.

[Tia Rice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! It made me think a lot more as a Deaf person, and it certainly changed my perspective on how Deaf people raised their children and on how they functioned back then without VPs, P3, technology, etc. Enjoyed the book!

[Cora Bishoppetty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautifully written! Makes you second think about life.

[Jackie Wayman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inspired me to write my own story.

[Ariana Gleason · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book for school but it was really good! Good perspective

[Michael Morrison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though I never had close dealings with deaf people until later in life, I was moved and touched by this remarkable book.
Lou Ann Walker was a hearing child of deaf parents and, as she explains, she was an adult before she was a child: She was the interpreter for her parents to the hearing and speaking world.
As a motel clerk, I ran into that situation once myself, and now, after reading "A Loss for Words," I can understand and sympathize with that child.
When a child myself, I learned, from an encyclopedia, the deaf alphabet -- what was called then "the deaf-mute" sign language.
Much later, I got to know a couple young ladies who acted as interpreters for the deaf, and saw, in passing, others while at college.
Most memorable to me was an incident in my young teen years: I came to a bus stop and asked a young woman standing there if my number bus had come. She signed she didn't hear and I started to spell, via the deaf alphabet, my question.
Never, never, will I forget how her eyes lit up and how happy she seemed that she had found someone with whom she could communicate.
But my bus suddenly arrived and I had to leave.
And also I will never forget how disappointed she was at losing someone she thought she could communicate with.
Actually I was very slow at both spelling and reading from others. And often I have regretted not learning American Sign Language, if only "just in case." Such as another, similar incident.
Lou Ann Walker has beautifully -- she is quite a skilled writer -- and touchingly described not only her own world, that of growing up with her deaf parents, but the broader world of that silent minority -- who are not, by the way, really silent.
Author Walker describes the coo sound her mother made while cuddling her children, for example.
Many even profoundly deaf people can learn to speak, and many speak and sign at the same time.
At one time, probably as recently as a hundred years ago, it was widely believed deaf people could never learn, could not, for example, be trained for jobs.
In fact, deaf people were found to be ideal in, to name just one, newspaper press rooms.
"A Loss for Words" is a wonderful, powerful book and I cannot recommend it enough.
Lou Ann Walker has gone on, after this book, to write fiction as well as non-fiction and is now even a professor! She is approachable, via her own website, and I recommend "A Loss for Words" as well as the author herself, and urge as many people as possible to read this moving book.

[Kafka · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was the 20th January 2020, I was currently finishing Highschool when my friends and I decided to inquire for schools to apply to for our Senior Year. We stopped by at Ayala Malls and quite frankly, I happened to take skim through the books of the only known book sale there is around town. That’s when I get to meet A Loss for Words by Anne Lou Walker, this was my first non-fiction//biography novel. After a few days since my purchase, I started reading the said book and walked through Anne Lou Walker’s childhood-adulthood. Personally, I didn’t think I was moved or anything close to that feeling. Going back from my foots steps as I skip pages thru pages 3 exhausting years ago, all I can remember now is the feeling of ‘familiarity’ in some unknown reason. I can’t quite explain or maybe I’ve just forgotten how I felt reading…

I don’t think it’s quite bad, given that it’s my first non-fiction.

Thank you for sharing your story, Anne Lou Walker!

❗️SPOILER (from what I can recall 3yes ago)❗️

The author’s name ‘Anne Lou’ was given as an excuse for her parent’s to avoid complications due their deafness.

One significant event from the novel that I might just carry with me at times of uneasiness is how both of Anne’s parents would lock themselves inside a room, turn on the radio or anything that produces music, pretend to listen and singalong to the music, shouting as loud as they could not knowing how meaningless the gibberish the sounds the make. (I might be wrong tho, I might just be her mom)

[Lori · Rating 3 out of 5]

Informative, But...

I found this book tough to get excited about or to love. Partly because it was slow moving and I wasn't sure it was going anywhere.
I did learn more about just how difficult life can be for a non hearing person as well as how difficult it could be for relatives who can't or won't learn to sign. It was interesting to learn about life as a hearing child of deaf parents. Lou Ann's parents were/are pretty much just as good at parenting -- and in some cases better, than other parents out there. They adapted as best they could but also depended on their children to answer phones, questions, interpret, make appointments etc. In some ways I can see how that could be burdensome but I think it also gave them a maturity that was beyond their biological age.
As the book advanced, I started to enjoy it some because Lou Ann appeared to begin to realize even more fully the impact of having non hearing parents -- or more accurately, the impact of the responsibilities she took on, her feelings about that and her resentment around the way some people treated her parents and the rude questions and taunts of the ignorant and others. The latter part of the story seemed to have more emotion rather than "reporting" things matter of factly.
Over all not a bad book, well put together and edited but not a "hit" for me.