Forever Mom: What to Expect When You're Adopting

by Mary Ostyn

Adoption is on the rise, and popular writer and blogger Mary Ostyn shares her experiences of adopting six children, inspiring those who have been called to adopt and providing practical advice on how to make it work.

In "Forever Mom" Mary Ostyn, a long-time beloved adoption writer and blogger, shares the practical tools and resources she uses to thrive as an adoptive mom. She takes readers through her own and downs as she learned to nurture a growing family through living well on less, eating healthy foods, homeschooling, and mothering children with a variety of adjustment issues. She'll walk readers through how to build heart connections, help babies, toddlers, and older children settle in, effectively implement attachment parenting, and allow for personal time too.

Whether readers are the parent of an adopted child or interested in pursuing adoption, Mary's warm advice and fresh perspective will inspire, inform, and affirm them. They'll walk away knowing they're the perfect mom for whatever child God brings into their lives.

Genres: Adoption, Parenting, Nonfiction, Family

256 pages, Paperback

First published October 28, 2014

About the author

Mary Ostyn shares encouragement with mothers through her books, speaking engagements, and her blog at owlhaven.net. She lives in Nampa, Idaho with her husband and the youngest six of their ten children, including four daughters born in Ethiopia and two sons born in South Korea.

Reviews

[Cassandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book so much I read it in less than two days. I just couldn't put it down. I laughed, I cried, and I marked sections to go back and reread later. This is more than just a "how to adopt" book. It covers the transition of a new child into the home and how to connect with your child over the next few years. It's not super in-depth, but it covers more than most of the introductory adoption books I've read. Plus, the author admits her mistakes so that you can avoid making the same ones in your own adoption.

I loved this thought, which echoes some of the material covered in our 10 week parenting class:

But children can't model positive behavior on the outside until their brains heal. Amy Monroe, from Empowered to Connect, said that expecting emotionally healthy behavior from an emotionally wounded child is like setting a three-month-old baby in the middle of the living room and telling him to walk to you. He's not mature enough to do it yet.

We parents desperately need to understand the level of woundedness that drives difficult behavior so that we can remain compassionate toward difficult behavior over the long term. We've got to address the root of the behavior instead of focusing on the behavior. Only then can we create a healing home (page 65).

In a section that offers suggestions for bonding with a newly adopted little one:

All these activities are ones we tend to do naturally with little ones, but they're especially important for adopted babies who need extra time and interaction to make up for the time you missed before you became a family. And don't listen to the folks who say you're spoiling your baby. Spoiling is something that happens to fruit that is forgotten, not babies who are well loved. So love on that new kiddo of yours. It's one of the joys of parenthood, and it's just what he needs (page 78).

This next quote is something I need to remind myself often.

John and I assumed that once their behavior improved, our relationship would grow too. We didn't realize for years that we had that little equation exactly backward. It goes: first relationship, then behavior. It's how we did it with our babies, right? We build the relatioship for many months, saying yes to their needs thousands of times before we ever add in behavior expectations. But somehow with our hurt kids, we expect all sorts of things just because they're older. Well, guess what? Relationship still needs to come first. The more we tried to change our kids' behavior via consequences before we had the relationship piece in place, the further their hurt hearts fled. The more I tried to encourage right behavior using typical parenting methods, the more like a drill sergeant I became. The gentle, patient, intuitive part of my soul was getting buried. And drill sergeants aren't so easy to bond with. I had to take control of my frustration and learn a new way to relate, one that looked a lot more like the love that comes from Jesus. Instead of being a nagging taskmaster, I needed to be a channel of His grace (page 154).

That last section was reinforced by a Bible text quoted later in the chapter. Romans 2:4 says, "God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance." There is a lot in this chapter to chew on, both in how I relate to God and how I should relate to my children.

Ostyn also quotes John 10:27, which says, "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me." She adds a note to say, "our kids won't follow us until they know us (page 162)!"

One of the last chapters includes advice directly from adoptees. I love what this adoptee had to share:

Be patient. Most older-adopted kids are broken people. We don't trust easily and we are cautious. Once we feel secure and safe, we open up. Be kind. Harsh words and anger tend to hurt us more than the average person. For me, knowing I disappointed my parents was enough punishment. Be kind to yourself. You are going to make mistakes, but any parent will. Know that being a parent of an adopted child is harder and more emotional. Have faith in yourself and God. Know that all we as adoptees want is a loving, stable home (page 203).

Overall, I loved this book and would recommend it to any parent who is getting ready to adopt or who has already adopted but is looking for encouragement. This book is going on my bookshelf to reread right before my daughter comes home. Thank you to Booklookbloggers for a copy in exchange for my honest thoughts. I would have bought this book had I discovered it at the bookstore before being given the chance to review it!

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parenting is hard, adoption is hard, but also: Parenthood is beautiful and so is adoption. I appreciated the Christian perspective and references. It was also refreshing to see my exact thoughts, experiences, and feelings documented and expressed well by another adoptive mother.

[Andy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such an extraordinary, moving book to understand the profoundly challenging, yet grace filled experiences of parents who have gone through the mountains and valleys of raising adopted children. Honestly, any parent could read this book and be moved to become a better parent. By listening to one's children and validating them and their emotions you have to come to grip with your own goodness and worth in God's eyes. That is the key to good parenting.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent read for anyone considering adopting or who has already adopted. She helps you with the realities of attachment issues. Talks about adopting both babies/toddlers and other children. I think it is excellent that she has experience in both so really can compare the difference but also talk about the joys of both.

I love how many resources are recommend from this book!

[Jenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written by an adoptive mom in the trenches. Even though her children were adopted internationally, it is still relateable. I like her writing style, as it feels like a conversation with a friend who gets it and wants to reassure you that you are a great mom.

(#26BOOKSwithBringingUpBurns-17 A Book that will make you smarter)

[Ruci Tukana · Rating 5 out of 5]

A non fiction piece. I admire Mary's faith, love and endurance in adopting these children. This strong woman of God offers tips and advices on how to adopt children.
Her tone is personal and emotive. She includes phrases for hard moments and to do all these; she bravely confesses that Divine intervention is imperative.
A must read book.

[Tarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn’t connect with the style of writing and the heavily religious focus. While it’s not hidden that this book takes that path based on the description, I had not expected to be reading a ton of bible verses, outdated advice (telling your child to “listen and OBEY”), and implications that having faith in “God” is the only way to live a fulfilling life in general and as an adoptive parent/child.

The book very much read like an attempt to convince readers to join extremist Christian faith chapters in order to learn their “ways,” and access resources/tools that the author deems as necessary to raise adopted children.

However, I did appreciate reading about their experience(s) even though I cannot see much relation to it for myself. I am a spiritual person with my own set of beliefs, but certainly not at a level this book expects its readers to be at or needed to not question some of the advice.

[Luke Mattson · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book has great parts for parents of adopted children. I only wish that the parts focusing on Jesus and healer and leader in our children's lives was brought up more evenly throughout the book.

[Elizabeth Ray · Rating 4 out of 5]

This wasn’t a logistical how to. It was a mix of memoir and advice. I enjoyed it. It was relatable and hopeful.

[Kalee Edwards · Rating 5 out of 5]

So encouraging in the wait. LOVED it.

[Erika · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great first look into adoption parenting and some of the challenges faced. Also, how to overcome them. A friendly, thoughtful, prayerful, and loving approach.

[Doris · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a mother to one biological child and two current foster children that we were in hopes of adopting, I jumped at the chance to review this book. I was in the hopes that this would be able to speak to me on a spiritual level. I hoped that I would find a kindred spirit in the concerns that I was/am having.
I didn't get that at all.
Although this tale isn't what I thought it was, it is thoughtfully well written and if you are in a situation that isn't as extreme as mine - this is probably a good choice for you.
I did relate to some of the concerns Mary Ostyn describes, but it was more towards my relationship with my birth child. I think that this book is a good resource to be read after the process has ended and not during or before.
Overall, it is a good book, and well laid out. I do continue to pray for other mothers considering adoption, and for Ostyn and her walk that God has set forth for her.*

*Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

[Rachel B · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book! I've read Mary's blog, and her cookbook, and I so appreciate her humble spirit. She is very real in the book using lots of examples from her own life - her failures and struggles, not just the successes.

This book gives a sort of general overview of what to expect if you're considering adoption, or if you've already adopted, and it's best used as encouragement. If you adopt, you'll still want to get into the nitty-gritty of attachment and other issues as they pertain to adoption. Ostyn recommends several books and resources.

I loved a few quotes in her book:

"And here's the thing: it's easy to imagine being patient with a child whom you only know as a picture on your fridge with a sad life story. But when you get up every morning with the best intentions, determined to work for growth in the relationship, and are rejected day after day after day, pain can begin to overshadow the compassion you felt so easily in the beginning." (p.137)


"I came to understand the love of Jesus on a much deeper level during those oh-so-hard early years. I came to be in awe at the kind of love that tirelessly yet gently pursues a heart when being rejected, that shows grace in the face of hateful words, that chooses to hope even when relationship sometimes can feel like a hopeless dream." (p.138)

[Alisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall, I didn’t seem to realize in requesting this book it was designated for “adoptive” moms and parents. Yet, I still found it to be very encouraging for moms of all kinds in the challenges and issues you face. I especially liked how the author addressed the challenges of after you bring your children home. I found many of the challenges, though I have not adopted any children, still applicable to bonding and communicating with any child, even if you aren’t the mother.
The author also has a chapter on Beginning Again and how so often our children will mirror the reactions and communications we give them. I especially enjoyed the specific ideas on what other adoptee mothers have given in how to connect to your child. Children are learning so many things and it is so important to be patient with so many things that they do. I haven’t read anything else by this mom.

I most appreciated and identified with the author when she admitted her faults and her “keep trying” attitude as a mother of all ages. All children need patience and love, no matter what. That feeling really comes out in the book, even if you don’t have adopted children.


Overall, enjoyable read, and though some didn’t apply to me, the ideas were good for all mothers.

[Liz Cleland · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you ever wanted a child? I have to say more and more I see couples who would be amazing parents and for one reason or another cannot conceive. It is so heart wrenching to go through this process of wondering if you are pregnant and then the loss of when you aren't. Adoption has been a huge refuge for families and I wanted to be better acquainted with that. I was once in a safe house and needed a place to call my own so it holds a heavy heart to adopt. I find people who will adopt and or have adopted truly gifted with understanding a compassion beyond words! Forever Mom discusses building heart connections, preparing your other children for new siblings, helping babies, toddlers, and older children settle in implement and so much more! It is a tool to use as a guide and safe haven for anyone interested in Adopting, knows someone who is or maybe considering it.

[Britt, Book Habitue]

Okay, that's a lie, I haven't read this book, but I wanted to share my "shout out" post because even though I'm too swamped to read this, I think it's awesome that someone wrote it.

http://bookhabitue.blogspot.com/2014/...

[Melissa Pearson · Rating 3 out of 5]

The content of the book was good, it provided a good overview of what you may experience when your adopted children. I didn't connect with the style of writing but did appreciate many pieces of advice.

[Patricia Pagan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heartfelt and helpful book for those considering international adoption. It is, however, written from a distinctly Christian perspective, and its "let go and let God" theme may not resonate with every reader.

[charissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow. I loved this book. It was an excellent guide to international adoptions, and it had a strong emphasis on relationship and attachment. A moving and graceful story about building a bigger family through love and adoption. A great resource for everyone!

[Danie B. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Made me cry buckets! There's a lot of insights about building relationships that are not based on blood. The book made me understand things from the point of view of a parent. Indeed people who plan to adopt will find this book useful. At the end of the day, love is love.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lots of good stuff in here, unfortunately mixed with a religious bent that is likely to turn off a lot of readers.

[Lindsey Torkko · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent resource and encouragement.

[Cristine Braddy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book on adoption. I love how real the author was about her struggles. This is a great resource that I will keep going back to.

[Bryan Nelson]

It was a good change of pace from practical knowledge and fact based books about the different facets of adopting to hear it as a first account story of a family who has gone through the struggles personally. Glad this title came across my path and that I was able to give it a read.

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I appreciated the author’s honesty, her religious zeal and righteousness and disciplinary choices put me off. The beginning chapters are great, but her later chapters about attaching to her teenage Ethiopian daughters were disconcerting. The combination of homeschooling and strict rules about “respect” (her main complaint is that they sassed her and that broke her heart) exacerbates the strife that otherwise seemed a lot like any parent/teenage relationship.
If you make the same parenting decisions and want to adopt for religious reasons, this book will offer a honest, straightforward view.