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320 pages, Paperback
First published July 9, 2024
It took three car crashes to kill Jake.
“[…] I've forgotten a lot of my childhood for whatever reason, but I remember being fucking lonely. And I was convinced a brother would solve all that."
I know now that there are tiers of humiliation when you are beginning to fall in love with someone. The lowest, the most forgiving, is someone saying the timing is wrong. Above that is being told that you are, have been, always will be, a friend. And then at the top are the words that make me want to turn into a soft, viscous lump that someone could then hose into a sewer grate—
You've always been like a brother to me.
I didn't feel nervous or even that sad. This was how everyone I knew talked eventually.
For a while, I assumed the species was depressive.
But then I realized depressives attract each other, that we can't help it, that there's some blue magnetism that pulls us.
"Are you still afraid?" I asked.
"Of course. Aren't you?"
Time's proportions make no sense. It is grotesque, the forgetting, when all I can think of now is life without him.