Ξέρεις Ποιος Είμαι Εγώ; Πώς Να Διατηρήσετε Σώας Τας Φρένας Σε Έναν Κόσμο Γεμάτο Ναρκισσισμό, Τοξικότητα Και Αγένεια

by Ramani Durvasula, Σοφία Λαζαρίδου (Translator)

Πώς να πάρουμε πίσω τη ζωή μας, σε έναν κόσμο όπου αφθονούν ο ναρκισσισμός, η απαίτηση για ιδιαίτερη μεταχείριση και οι τοξικές σχέσεις

Η φράση «Ξέρεις ποιος είμαι εγώ;» αποτελεί στάση ζωής των διάσημων και διαβόητων, που θεωρούν ότι ο κόσμος «τούς χρωστάει». Είναι το σύνδρομο του σύγχρονου ναρκισσιστή.

Οι εκστρατείες υπέρ της υγείας και της ευεξίας μάς καλούν να αποφεύγουμε τις ανθυγιεινές τροφές, την καθιστική ζωή, το κάπνισμα, το αλκοόλ και τα ναρκωτικά, αλλά σπάνια μας προειδοποιούν να προστατευτούμε από τους ανθυγιεινούς, δύσκολους και τοξικούς ανθρώπους.
Και όμως, η απομάκρυνση των τοξικών ατόμων από τη ζωή μας μπορεί να ωφελήσει πολύ περισσότερο τόσο τη σωματική, όσο και την ψυχική μας υγεία. Χρειάζεται να μάθουμε να προφυλάσσουμε καλύτερα τον νου, το σώμα και την ψυχή μας.

Ο ναρκισσισμός -η απαίτηση για ιδιαίτερη μεταχείριση και προνόμια- και η αγένεια έχουν
γίνει η νέα τάξη πραγμάτων. Όχι μόνο εκλαμβάνονται ως φυσιολογικά, αλλά προβάλλονται
και ως παράδειγμα προς μίμηση. Αυτά τα χαρακτηριστικά είναι έκφραση μιας παθολογικής
ανασφάλειας, η οποία βιώνεται τόσο σε ατομικό όσο και κοινωνικό επίπεδο.
Το παράδοξο είναι ότι δίνουμε αξία σε αυτά τα πρότυπα. Τα εκθειάζουμε στα μέσα κοινωνικής δικτύωσης και ενημέρωσης, αλλά και στο πλαίσιο του καταναλωτισμού, και τα συναντάμε συχνά σε πολιτικούς, ηγετικά στελέχη, ακαδημαϊκούς και δημοσιογράφους.

Λίγες είναι οι ζωές που μένουν αλώβητες από τον ναρκισσισμό. Αυτές οι σχέσεις μάς «μολύνουν» με αμφιβολία, απελπισία, σύγχυση, άγχος, κατάθλιψη και μια χρόνια αίσθηση ανεπάρκειας, με αποτέλεσμα να μας καθιστούν ευάλωτους και αδύναμους και να γίνεται πολύ δύσκολο να απομακρυνθούμε ή να θέσουμε όρια για την προστασία μας. Οι ψευδαισθήσεις που γεννά η ελπίδα ότι τα πράγματα θα βελτιωθούν μας οδηγούν να σπαταλάμε πολύτιμα χρόνια δίνοντας δεύτερες ευκαιρίες και να νιώθουμε απελπισμένοι επειδή η αλλαγή που περιμένουμε δεν έρχεται ποτέ.

Ήρθε η ώρα για δράση. Ήρθε η ώρα να αναχαιτίσουμε το κύμα του ναρκισσισμού, της τοξικότητας και του ανταγωνισμού και να πάρουμε πίσω τη ζωή μας.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Relationships, Audiobook, Personal Development

420 pages, Paperback

Published November 5, 2021

About the author

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is on a mission to demystify and dismantle the toxic influence of narcissism on all of our lives. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica and Sherman Oaks, CA and Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, where she was named Outstanding Professor in 2012. She is also a Visiting Professor at the University of Johannesburg.

She is the author of the modern relationship survival manual Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist (Post Hill Press) She is also the author of You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life, as well as the author of numerous peer reviewed journal articles, book chapters and conference papers. In September 2019, her overview book on narcissism in our world, our hearts, homes, and workplaces entitled DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility will be released.
Dr. Ramani received her B.S. in Psychology from the University of Connecticut, and her MA and Ph.D. degrees in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.

She brings a wealth of expertise in relationships, sexuality, health and wellness. Dr. Ramani was the co-host of Oxygen’s series My Shopping Addiction, and has also been featured on series on Bravo, the Lifetime Movie Network, National Geographic, the History Channel, Discovery Science, and Investigation Discovery as well as in documentary films on health and narcissism. She has been a featured commentator on nearly every major television network, as well as radio, print, and internet media.

Dr. Ramani is also involved in national governance in the field of psychology and has served as the chair of the Committee on Socioeconomic Status at the American Psychological Association and is presently chair of the Advisory Board of the Minority Fellowship Program of the American Psychological Association.
Dr. Ramani recognizes that narcissism and technology have changed the landscape of love and relationships and provides keen insights on how to survive in the new territory of love and commitment.

Reviews

[Fadi Antwan · Rating 5 out of 5]

So important. Dr. Ramani believes that narcissism, not depression, is the mental health epidemic of our time because of the widespread and extremely damaging effect narcissistic and toxic individuals have on the well-being of the people around them, and I have to agree with her. This book will teach you all you need to know about the different types of narcissistic individuals, the kinds of relationships you might have with them, and how to navigate these relationships and develop strategies for coping with, surviving, recognizing, and avoiding them in the future. In an increasingly narcissistic world, I believe this information to be simply invaluable. Thank you Dr. Ramani for providing indispensable knowledge and hope to many who need them and for advocating for a more compassionate and empathetic world.

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I want to be able to say this book changed my life, but for the moment I can only hope it will. I never expected it to be such a profound and well-written analysis of (the origins of) interpersonal toxicity, and it has really helped me accept that IT'S NOT ME! I always used to take people's bad behaviour personally, thinking that it was somehow my fault, and that if I gave them more of my love and patience, they would become better people. Maybe I was being too judgemental, maybe I was overthinking things, maybe I'm just too sensitive... but I'm not.
One of the most painful lessons Dr Ramani teaches us is that it's highly unlikely narcissists and other people with high-conflict personalities will ever change. It's heartbreaking. But it's also a wake-up call: stop investing all your energy in people who won't give you anything in return. Life isn't a Disney movie, your efforts will not be rewarded and you will just end up emotionally (and physically) drained. I hope that I will now be able to see the red flags for what they are and stop giving people a million chances.

[VNerdbooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you've had the unfortunate misfortune of ever meeting, or marrying a narcissist, then this lady is the one to check out.

If you are, or think you are in a relationship with one, then I highly recommend bingeing her YouTube videos, and reading her other book Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Me? I went!

[☾❀Apple✩ Blossom⋆｡˚ · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Narcissists are often deeply jealous, largely because they are insecure, hypersensitive, and, sometimes, almost paranoid.”



I decided to pick up this book because I follow the author on YouTube and I find her work really interesting and useful. This book was also interesting in some measure, however I found it way too long and verbose for its own sake, and while reading it I kept skipping whole paragraphs of concepts which could have easily be said with one third of the words. I suggest that whoever is interested in the topic, either because of personal experience or curiosity, either watch the doctor's channel or only read the parts of the book in which they are specifically interested (eg. if the narcissist in your life is a parent, read the chapter about parents etc.), otherwise it becomes very repetitive and the concepts get diluted. Still, it is very important to raise awarness on narcissism and narcisistic abuse, and I am grateful to dr. Durvasula for doing so.

[Meredith is a hot mess · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full review to come later. The content in here should be required reading in all school curriculums. It applies to everyone. When I come back to this review I want to touch on Ramani Durvasula's credentials and the scope of this book.

[C · Rating 3 out of 5]

There was some great information in there, but it was wordy and could have been trimmed down considerably. I skimmed and got the gist, and focused on a couple chapters that applied to the problematic relationships I'm trying to address. Those were helpful. The book also gave me some questions to ask myself, and made me aware of some behaviors/beliefs that I had in the past that were narcissistic behaviors, and some that could still be in the present - so there's some good psychological weed-pulling material.

Otherwise, her explanation of narcissism makes sense and I also appreciate that she makes it clear that it is not the duty or responsibility of the other person to soothe a narcissist's insecurity or heal their pain. She also outlines how a narcissist will jerk your chain and get you tangled up in guilt and "shoulds." It made me realize that boundaries are healthy, and trying to fill in the hole in someone else is a bottomless exercise - my responsibility is taking care of my own dents and holes and psychological repair.

[F.P. Rezwan · Rating 5 out of 5]

“The ultimate goal is to recognize that there is divinity within each of us, and there is also a vulnerable child. You may be full of self loathing but protect that child and unleash that divinity.”

It would be a small thing to say this is and will be one of the few books that has impacted me for life. Nothing was ever more validating than reading this book. She breaks down narcissism and the traits that are indicative of it, how to recognize it, and how to heal yourself from it or at the least not let it poison you forever. Highly recommend to read this, very relevant to our current culture and society.

[Missy J · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5*

Last year I was listening to a podcast called "Sexual Disorientation" by a psychologist Dr. Ramani and a porn star Silvia. It was a very interesting podcast, mainly discussing modern relationships and how technology influences it. Then I found out that Dr. Ramani specializes in narcissism. I got her book last year but didn't start reading it until end of this year. I've read a book on narcissism in the past and it was a scary experience. I had a lot of "aha" moments while reading that book, it was scary.

It's actually not a very big book and I will keep it in my kindle for future reference because there's a lot of information. Dr. Ramani first presents the different theories on the origins of narcissism. Unfortunately, this is the part of the book that I found confusing. I wish she had presented this material better (connecting the dots because I felt very lost). However, in the main part of the book, Dr. Ramani describes different types of toxic people; toxic parents, toxic spouses (and how to co-parent with them), toxic bosses and work colleagues, toxic siblings, toxic friends. You can tell Dr. Ramani has a lot of material and experience dealing with the victims of narcissists and the narcissists too. The parts where she wrote about the "emergency room fantasy, "the "quest for justice" and the loss of one's identity when one spends too much time with a narcissist rang too true for me.

“Narcissistic people rarely take responsibility for their misdeeds, the messes they make, and the hurts they cause. This is unsettling because, in some ways, even when people make errors, others can offer some forgiveness if the perpetrator is willing to own up and take responsibility, and that can be enough healing to foster moving forward. But the unwillingness of a person to take responsibility speaks to a lack of awareness that can feel almost dehumanizing.”

“Many people (especially those with narcissistic or toxic parents) become masterful at being chameleons, chronically taking the temperature of the room and accommodating themselves to the bad behavior around them, providing more narcissistic supply, validating everyone, and caregiving because they have been doing that since childhood.”

She provides several recommendations on how to deal with narcissists. These mainly include distance, grey-rock behavior and reducing contact with them if you cannot cut them off completely. Narcissists are emotional vampires who need validation from other people in order to feel good about themselves. Because at the core, narcissists are actually very insecure people. They don't love themselves. That's why they are grandiose and entitled and need other people to validate them in order to compensate for their lack of self-love. Moreover, our current economic system actually merits narcissistic personality patterns. Capitalism is built on insecurity. Corporations want their customers to buy and buy and buy in the same way that narcissistic people need narcissistic supply (validation) from other people in order to feel good about themselves. If we truly felt content with ourselves, we wouldn't fall for the advertisements and tricks played by the big companies.

“Letting go doesn’t mean you have to embrace the person, pick up where you left off, or let him or her off the hook; it is really the equivalent of taking a heavy load off your back and lying it down – of not carrying the burden of another person’s bad behavior.”

“If you no longer have to deal with them, then you have won. If you have found a way to keep your distance, then you have won. If you do not have to listen to their verbal abuse and invalidation, then you have won. If you keep obsessing about whether or not they get “punished,” then you are still wasting mental energy on them. In most cases, by the time the bad things happened to them, you will have moved on, feeling nothing other than perhaps pity.”

“In fact, the best narcissist repellent out there may not be yelling o screaming or revenge but simply indifference.”

“Narcissism appears realistically to represent the best way of coping with the tensions and anxieties of modern life, and the prevailing social conditions therefore tend to bring out narcissist traits that are present, in varying degrees, in everyone. These conditions have also transformed the family, which in turn shapes the underlying structure of personality. A society that fears it has no future, is not likely to give much attention to the needs of the next generation…” – Christopher Lasch

“Fear and love do not belong in the same sentence…always remember that.”


“Well into adulthood, it is not unusual for parents who have the means to use trust funds and other financial incentives to purchase their children's obedience, devotion, proximity, or anything they want, and to use wills and estates to exert that same control from beyond the grave.”

“Do not wait for the emergency-room rescue fantasy. And do not be surprised at their lack of empathy when you are sick. Illness is inconvenient for narcissists - and the lack of empathy can increase your suffering because you are psychologically devastated.”

“A healthy, loving relationship is reciprocal, respectful, patient, compassionate, empathic, kind, and supportive. That's it.”

“A relationship with a narcissist can often sap you of your authentic sense of self, of any sense of meaning and purpose outside of yourself. A friend of mine termed it "being worn down to a nub." You feel as though you cannot think of higher-order issues, such as your own goals or dreams (often because they were minimized, mocked, trivialized, and devalued, or simply because your are exhausted). Setting a boundary or walking away from the narcissists in your life can and should be translated into an enactment not only of your goals and possibility, but also to give yourself permission to reflect on the meaning and purpose in your life. For so long, when you have to manage a life around a narcissist, at best, you are surviving, but you are often not thriving. You are getting through the days and trying to dodge bullets and insults and make sense of the inconsistent patterns. Frankl also speaks to how we can find meaning in suffering, and evolve through it. Nobody should intentionally seek out suffering, but once it finds you (perhaps in the form of an invalidating and antagonistic relationship), extract some meaning from the suffering, and evolve into a better you.”

“C-PTSD is applied when a person has experienced long-term, chronic trauma, such as chronic abuse during childhood or long-term domestic violence or other intrafamilial abuse. People who have experienced C-PTSD cannot easily escape their circumstances for a variety of reasons, which fosters a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. In people with C-PTSD, we can observe emotional dysregulation, rumination, and constantly thinking about the abuse (to the degree that they are distracted from life, work, school), becoming preoccupied with thoughts of revenge or justice against their perpetrator, becoming socially isolated and struggling with trust, and a general sense of hopelessness. This pattern of C-PTSD is not unusual in people who have had to maintain long-term relationships with narcissists and other high-conflict toxic people - and this can include narcissistic parents, partners, siblings, colleagues, and bosses.”

“In numerous cultures, men can and do behave with impunity and are inculcated with the belief that empathy for others is completely unnecessary as long as they are fulfilling a social role, such as being a provider.”

[David Shepherd · Rating 2 out of 5]

*Pre-Reading Notes*
I’m reading this book because I want to be better equipped to deal with people who have mental problems.

*Post-Reading Summary*
Summed up in three sentences or less, the wisdom of this book is this: If you have figured out a way to not be around a narcissist anymore and you have peace, you have won and that's the best you can do - really the only thing you can control is how much exposure you have to them. One of the biggest things she mentions that is the most helpful is that crafting thoughtful communications to a narcissist is a waste of time - make yourself as interesting as a grey rock and keep your answers as simple as possible. Lastly, treat toxic as an other highly contagious person.

[Lore LongSoulSystem · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow it covered all! I really can't believe it covered my specific situation. Must read for all involved with a "toxic" violent asshole (Dr. Ramani uses that word so it's ok haha)

[Cameron · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's been over a year since I finished this book. I initially started it because I thought it could offer insight into the kind of societal environment that could allow someone like Donald Trump to ascend to the highest political office in the country, but by the end of the book, I had no doubt I was living with a narcissist; he had raised me and since I had never moved out of the house, I'd been subjected to a very specific kind of mental and emotional abuse for 40 years.

Narcissists bend you to fit into their version of reality, blaming you for everything that goes wrong and gaslighting you into believing their lies, until you start to doubt your own memory of events. They do it over and over and over again. You try to unbend and stand up for yourself, but they bend you again, and like a piece of metal that gets bent and straightened and bent and straightened, over time the places where you bend become weak, and inevitably they break. You break.

Narcissists demean you, pointing out every flaw and making up imaginary ones until you're stooped, small and weary, believing you can't do better than them, can't make it on your own without them, and don't even deserve what little they actually give you. The abuse can be physical, but often it's not. So much of it is mental. It doesn't break bone or skin, nor bruise or scar, but the damage runs deep, and it's persistent. Even once you've learned what it looks like on you, you remain trapped in the patterns it carved into your psyche.

In the year since I finished this book, I've tried to begin healing. I never would have taken that first step if not for this book. It was hard to read, but I'm so glad I did. Sadly, there seems to be a wealth of literature on narcissistic mothers, and hardly any at all on narcissistic fathers. This book devotes a chapter to narc parents, and is the best I've found on the subject as a whole thus far.

Early on in my journey, I came across The Narcissist's Prayer (author unkown):

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

If you need this book, please read it. There are resources given throughout the text, including those for individuals in crisis. It's never too late to break free and find out how much you really can shine in this world!

[George · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I read "Should I Stay or Should I Go" I thought it could be rounded out by a slightly more clinical voice and more depth and detail about the narcissistic types. Dr. Ramani saw that coming and put it all in this book. It really has everything I was looking for and more. It breaks everything down, clinically explaining the different types of narcissists, their origins, markers, and impacts [chapters 2 and 3]. And it is more dispassionate. Chapter 11, the penultimate chapter, does provide a bit more "care" to the sufferers of narcissists, however. And boy is it good. Her breakdown of what forgiveness actually is (letting go), and her insistence that it has no timeline - and can just as equally end in releasing oneself from a damaging relationship as in renewing it. In this she reminds me of Adam Phillips, the famous author and head child psychologist at University College Hospital in London. He also advocates against the popular understanding of forgiveness as a free reset, and also explains that people take advantage of forgiveness to perpetuate bad behaviour without consequence. This is useful advice for all kinds of abuse, not just that dished out by narcissists. I should also say that as a gay man, I appreciate the sensitive way she brought toxic masculinity into the picture. The book really is worth it for the last two chapters alone.

If there is a candidate for one key popular reference book on narcissism, this book is probably it. I have yet to find a competitor.

But if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist and unsure what to do - Should I Stay is really the best for that.

[Sofia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Words fall very short for a proper description of this creation and compilation of knowledge.
Doctor Ramani is the leader of a true north for our society, for strong desire to improve as sane, cultured, empathic and transcendent humans. She herself has walked the path of full recovery from the Narcissits legacy of mental turmoil.
I myself confess this book is showing me in every possible way how to walk through life with her example and guidance.
No other person, situation or mentor has been able to save my sanity as Dr Ramani has done.

Thank you, sincerely your admirer S.N.

[Jane Greenhalgh Weinkrantz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an interesting look not only at narcissism, but at the culture, social media and political climate that encourage and enable it. Durvasula covers different types of narcissists and how their actions may make you feel. I would have liked more information on distinct family relationships. She covers them, but more detail would have been even more helpful. I love her writing style. It is informative, but warm and engaging.

[Sandy Pace · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely love this book

This book is a very refreshing and direct book on understanding toxic and narcissistic behavior and people. And in today's world this book is something that can make millions of people's lives better. Because the world needs more people like this author

[Bojana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kakvo osveženje u moru new age bull****-ova.

[Elisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

All three of Dr. Ramani’s healing and informative books on narcissism have both something new to say on the subject and the same seminal tenets that you need to read over and over again to wrap your head around what happened or is happening with the narcissist(s) in your life. And how to untangle that hot, sticky mess.
I can honestly say Dr. Ramani has changed my life, by way of rewiring my brain. I am now learning to be my own gatekeeper.

[J.L.W · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a "difficult" subject. But the book is written in a very friendly everyday manner, while not shying away from the subject matter and its results.

The reason I have taken an interest in this term is that after the same kind of experiences everyone has with these people, I simply wish to have an understanding of warning signs. I don't want to get in a relationship for instance that would be this dysfunctional, and want to be prepared for potential workplace problems.

One of the best parts for me is the chapter on the five different kinds of narcissists. I know someone who clearly has some of these symptoms but is not really 'that bad', so when I recognised his behaviours in a youtube video or something I'm left scratching my head. 'The benign narcissist' could explain this and other such people I meet. Another one I found interesting is the covert narcissist, which is one I believe I have come into contact with. It is interesting to consider that they really do believe they are being attacked!

The book is split into parts, the first is a set of thirty traits of the narcissist, things like arrogance, gaslighting, covetousness. With the addition after this chapter of the five types of narcissist. Then the particulars of dealing with them in a different setting. I.e. Work colleague, sibling, friend etc. This part is written from the standpoint of wordly wisdom. So as well as narcissism per sey, it is also comments such as 'we cannot choose our siblings and may not have chosen to spend time with them if we had not been born in the same family' and 'sometimes friends grow apart'. It does rather feel like a labour of love in this way. There is quite a lot of advice in most chapters (I imagine Dr. Ramani's children are not starved for advice!), which ranges from extraordinarily deep "the unstable foundation laid by the narcissistic parent" to the more simplistic "maintain boundaries... monitor social media" and in the areas that I am already familiar with in relation to this (i.e. the workplace) it is in my understanding correct advice.

The last part is an obligatory 'what must be done about this situation'. Dealing with issues like the desire for vengeance and self help pointers such as depression and meaning. In the book somewhere as well is a reference to narcissism on the world stage. Things like internet trolls. Not quite as interesting that chapter.

The thickest and least formulaic part of the book is the thirty traits at the beginning and to me it is very useful because it highlights the personality from many different angles and allows us to reflect on our blind spots when it comes to noticing others. For instance, I notice many of these signs early on but for some reason have a blind spot in 'arrogance'. Since reading this though I have learned to spot arrogance and when I see it now, I know conflict is going to start shortly after someone makes an outrightly arrogant statement (the book didn't say that that is my observation!). In honesty, the emotional fluency of this book means that its insights can probably serve someone even outside narcissistic entanglements.

To repeat my main points then it is a well written book that brings an air of professional rigour to an unpleasant, and to me at least mysterious, subject. To be clear it is written very strongly from a personal rather than academic standpoint or at least, the academic side is not emphasized. Even though studies are mentioned it is not a book on the STUDY of narcissism but the lived experience of having been entangled with one.

[SeaShore · Rating 2 out of 5]

You have power over your own mind -not outside events. Realize this and you will find strength. -Marcus Aurelius.

I like the meditations of the Stoics like Marcus Aurelius so if nothing gained from this book, I like that the author recognizes Stoic Philosophy. It's directly related to understanding the subconscious mind.

How to stay sane in a narcissistic world. Some celebrities, she says expect people to automatically recognize them. DYKWIA.

A Daniel J. Boorstin's quote: As individuals and as a nation, we now suffer from social narcissism. The beloved Echo of our ancestors, the virgin America, has been abandoned. We have fallen in love with our own image, with images of our making, which turn out to be images of ourselves.

Daniel J. Boorstin (1914 - 2004) was a man ahead of his time and funny too.

Time makes heroes but dissolves celebrities. Daniel J. Boorstin

Technology is so much fun but we can drown in our technology. The fog of information drives out knowledge. Daniel J. Boorstin

We suffer primarily not from our vices or our weaknesses, but from our illusions. We are haunted, not by reality, but by those images we have put in their place. Daniel J. Boorstin


And, it is worth exploring whether narcissism, not depression, is the mental health epidemic of our time.

[Molly · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ughhhh I should’ve just read Lasch. I listened to this one and the narrator had a really annoying intonation in her voice. Like she was speaking to a kid or an old person. It was strange, like there’s no way she talks like this in real life. She must have been given weird direction on how to pace her speech. Anyway, it’s a somewhat interesting book but never really dives into the hows and whys of narcissistic thinking and behavior in adulthood. There was some practical advice to parents on how to avoid raising a narcissist. But a lot of it was just “if someone is being a psycho get the fuck away from them”. These days everyone has glommed on to the word narcissist to describe anyone who is mean or who they don’t like. And anyone who says something that makes them feel self doubt is “gaslighting”. Abuse and anxiety and toxic have also become watered down words that many times say more about the person saying them than it does about the person being described. I’m looking for something that gets into the nuts and bolts of how narcissistic thought patterns emerge and how to spot and stop these patterns and behaviors- because we all have blind spots in empathy and identity.

[E · Rating 1 out of 5]

Why make it political? It’s a book with a political message from the very introduction. Apparently the writer had the urge to claim that Trump is a narcissist. She repeats it again and again. If you happen to support Trump, according to Ramani you get hot under the collar (what a comparison! Page 5). A wise writer shouldn’t divide her readers into those who support democrats and those who are “imbeciles” who support republicans. She strongly promotes that Trump has a narcissistic personality disorder. I don’t care if Trump or Biden have a certain diagnosis (and first of all, have real proof to say it), I want to read a book related to a certain subject (in this case, Narcissists). I don’t need political messages whatever they are. She also compares Trump with Harvey Weinstein. So if you support Trump, don’t read this book because Ramani has no respect for you, and it would be wise for a doctor as she claims to be to respect readers regardless of their political views.

[Kyle Petitt · Rating 2 out of 5]

First of all, trying to be a harsher grader on reviews, so this may seem uncharacteristically low. Tons of great info in this book about narcissism, it’s origins, and how to interact with them. No doubts that the content of the book is fantastic. But the book was about 3x as long as it needed to be. Way too repetitive. If i was the editor of this book, i would have structured it differently to get rid of the repetition. Hearing about each relationship, and then giving the same solutions for interacting with them just felt so monotonous. I felt like i was being drilled with review for a test. Would recommend to really anyone, but with a large caveat that they should skim/ skip repetitive portions to speed up the progression

[TJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was relatively an easy-read, but it was just emotionally exhausting to go through. You don’t necessarily need to have any [conscious] relations to a narcissist to appreciate this book. This is so well-written for both a layperson and a professional! I think this book is one of the most valuable books of the times, because whether we like it or not, a narcissist inevitably influences our lives.

[Kristina · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel bad rating it as a 3, I love Dr Ramani's youtube channel. It's a good book but I found it to be too long for its content that was often repetitive. However, it might be an extensive guidebook for people who are not familiar with narcissism at all.

[Trudy Bodwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read many books on the subject of Narcissism. This is the one I would recommend for people to read first.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Ramani clearly explains how narcissism negatively effects our health, our relationships and society at large. Then she gives strategies to deal with it.

[Laura Botten · Rating 5 out of 5]

Psychologist and narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Duravasula delivers a well-researched, well-argued case that our world is skewing more narcissistic and toxic every day. Why? Because we tend to reward behaviors and characteristics associated with narcissism.

Confidence? (Could actually be grandiose selfishness.) Extraversion? (Might indicate the prioritization of external achievements over inner character and morality.) Bold, tough decision-making? (Could indicate dangerous impulsivity.) Obviously, not all confident, extraverted, decisive people are dangerous narcissists, but while all these qualities might look good on their own, they can often point to a darker core that lacks empathy and compassion for our fellow humans. In short: those in power tend to be narcissistic.

Her second book on the subject, Dr. Ramani expands on narcissism, offering insight on how the most toxic of personalities can affect us in not only romantic relationships, but in the workplace, in friendships, within our own families, and within the world and society at large.

Practical and helpful healing strategies are offered, and while the subject matter may seem dire (well, I suppose the notion that more people are acting in their own best interests instead of looking out for one another *is* dire), Dr. Ramani offers hope that we can not only survive these unhealthy relationships, but thrive despite them.

[Shelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book that covers every aspect I can think of when dealing with narcissists. From within the core family, to the families we make for ourselves, to friends, work environnements, politics, and society itself, this book covers it all. More than merely an explanation of all things relating to narcissists, this book provides a guide for how to protect against them, how to extricate ourselves from them, and how to navigate life with them when the possibility of ending relationship with them is not available to us. I came closer than I’ve ever come to highlighting an entire book and will be recommending this book to others and applying it to my own life and circumstances moving forward. A must read for everyone navigating life in a family, relationship, country and world that is becoming more narcissistic by the day.

[Nathan Harris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good and informative read. There are several good takeaways I’ll retain, such as the spectrum of narcissism, the 3 C’s of narcissism, and rethinking narcissism as more of a descriptor rather than a disorder. I also really appreciate how the author emphasizes that our culture celebrates and reinforces narcissistic behavior.

My only critique is that the author was wordy at times, but overall, this book is excellent.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book on narcissism in an era of people who thinks the world revolves around them.

The title does seem to catch the people who don't read beyond the cover off guard though. Some people tend to judge quickly with minimal information when they see "don't you know who I am?" In bold on the cover.