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Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In – A USA TODAY Bestselling Harvard Guide to Professional Communication and Workplace Empathy
AN INSTANT USA TODAY BESTSELLER
Conflict management expert Robert C. Bordone and leading behavioral neurologist Joel Salinas, M.D., join forces to introduce conflict resilience: the radical science of standing strong in the face of conflict and breaking the bad habits that sabotage our politics, workplaces, and most important relationships.
Conflict is getting the better of us.
From our homes and community centers to C-Suites and Congress, disagreements are happening everywhere, with increasing frequency, and are being treated like winner-takes-all debates rather than as opportunities for conversation and positive change. This puts a tremendous and untenable strain on our most important relationships and institutions.
Unable or unwilling to handle conflict with skill, we ignore it or avoid it for as long as possible; when we are forced to face it, everyday disagreements and temporary flare-ups rapidly escalate to a fever pitch. Neither approach addresses underlying issues, promotes stronger relationships, or yields satisfying results.
But there is a a combined skill- and mindset that Bordone calls conflict resilience: the ability to not only sit with and grow from disagreement, but to find new ways to communicate with authority and confidence without others feeling left unheard. In this powerful, hopeful book, Bordone, an internationally-recognized negotiator, former professor, and Senior Fellow at Harvard Law School, and Joel Salinas, M.D., a cutting-edge scientist from Harvard Medical School, combine the inner mechanics of conflict—literally what’s going on in our bodies and our brains during moments of distress—to produce a groundbreaking guide for how to navigate it,
How to get out of your own way as a communicatorUnderstanding the importance of timingHow to embrace disagreement as an advantageLearning how to anticipate and manage defensivenessAnd more!Conflict Resilience provides scientifically proven tools to help you drive agreement when possible, and empower you, when agreement is impossible, to strengthen your ability to speak in conflict and withstand the stress of doing so.
In these polarized times, when consensus, agreement, and problem-solving often feel elusive or even downright pointless, conflict resilience becomes the key to move forward. This book serves as a guidebook to bring people together, and an invitation to radically transform how we interact with our friends and families, our coworkers, our students, and our neighbors.
Conflict management expert Robert C. Bordone and leading behavioral neurologist Joel Salinas, M.D., join forces to introduce conflict resilience: the radical science of standing strong in the face of conflict and breaking the bad habits that sabotage our politics, workplaces, and most important relationships.
Conflict is getting the better of us.
From our homes and community centers to C-Suites and Congress, disagreements are happening everywhere, with increasing frequency, and are being treated like winner-takes-all debates rather than as opportunities for conversation and positive change. This puts a tremendous and untenable strain on our most important relationships and institutions.
Unable or unwilling to handle conflict with skill, we ignore it or avoid it for as long as possible; when we are forced to face it, everyday disagreements and temporary flare-ups rapidly escalate to a fever pitch. Neither approach addresses underlying issues, promotes stronger relationships, or yields satisfying results.
But there is a a combined skill- and mindset that Bordone calls conflict resilience: the ability to not only sit with and grow from disagreement, but to find new ways to communicate with authority and confidence without others feeling left unheard. In this powerful, hopeful book, Bordone, an internationally-recognized negotiator, former professor, and Senior Fellow at Harvard Law School, and Joel Salinas, M.D., a cutting-edge scientist from Harvard Medical School, combine the inner mechanics of conflict—literally what’s going on in our bodies and our brains during moments of distress—to produce a groundbreaking guide for how to navigate it,
How to get out of your own way as a communicatorUnderstanding the importance of timingHow to embrace disagreement as an advantageLearning how to anticipate and manage defensivenessAnd more!Conflict Resilience provides scientifically proven tools to help you drive agreement when possible, and empower you, when agreement is impossible, to strengthen your ability to speak in conflict and withstand the stress of doing so.
In these polarized times, when consensus, agreement, and problem-solving often feel elusive or even downright pointless, conflict resilience becomes the key to move forward. This book serves as a guidebook to bring people together, and an invitation to radically transform how we interact with our friends and families, our coworkers, our students, and our neighbors.
393 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 18, 2025
83 people are currently reading
2505 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
May 7, 2025
As someone who avoids conflict as much as possible, I absolutely loved this book. This book is by a behavioral neurologist and a conflict management expert. They teach readers how to embrace conflict, rather than avoiding it or running away from it. As the title suggests, it gives a lot of practical tips for how to have conflicts while keeping your cool and finding a way to compromise. We run into these situations all the time in our lives, so this is a great book for everyone.
March 23, 2025
I have selected this book as Stevo's Business Book of the Week for the week of 3/23, as it stands heads above other recently published books on this topic.
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May 21, 2025In "Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up Or Giving In", Robert Bordone and Joel Salinas present a compelling and science-informed strategy for dealing with conflict in a world increasingly divided along political, social, and ideological lines. At its heart, the book is a response to a common impulse many of us share: the instinct to avoid conflict at all costs. While this avoidance might bring short-term comfort, the authors argue that it has serious long-term consequences—fractured relationships, unspoken resentments, missed opportunities, and escalating tensions in everything from family dinners to global politics.
The book begins by identifying a universal truth: conflict is a part of life. Whether it's a disagreement with a loved one, a challenge in the workplace, or ideological disputes with people holding opposing beliefs, conflict appears in many forms. The authors stress that the act of sidestepping disagreement does not neutralize it; instead, it allows frustration and misunderstanding to fester beneath the surface. The answer, then, is not avoidance, but a thoughtful and structured engagement with conflict—an engagement that neither demands compromise of one's core values nor domination of others.
The authors build their approach on the foundation of neuroscience and psychology. One of their most eye-opening arguments is that most of us overestimate our rationality. While we may believe we reach our conclusions through facts and logic, research shows that emotions often guide our beliefs, and facts are recruited later to justify them. Recognizing this tendency doesn't make us weaker thinkers; it makes us more honest and self-aware. The ability to admit emotional influence can open the door to deeper understanding and a greater willingness to consider other perspectives.
Another critical insight from the book lies in how our brains are wired for threat detection. With more than 100 billion neurons focused on identifying danger, our bodies often react to interpersonal conflict as though it's a physical threat, triggering stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These chemical reactions prime us for one of five instinctive responses: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fester. But in modern life, reacting as if an awkward meeting is a lion attack often results in miscommunication and escalation, not resolution.
To help readers develop a clearer understanding of their responses to conflict, the authors encourage a personal inventory: how frequently do you sense conflict, and how do you typically react to it? This reflective work provides a baseline from which to grow and helps individuals identify the tools they need to navigate difficult situations more skillfully. The goal is to build resilience—not through emotional detachment, but through increased awareness, tolerance for discomfort, and a structured process for engagement.
One of the standout tools introduced in the book is the 'chair work' technique. This exercise helps individuals explore the multiple, often conflicting emotions they carry into a disagreement. By assigning each emotion its own physical chair, and allowing oneself to inhabit and speak from each emotional perspective, individuals learn to validate their internal landscape. In a scenario where conflict arises around unequal household responsibilities, for example, one might explore the voices of anger, guilt, and sadness—each offering a different layer of the emotional truth. This practice not only enhances emotional clarity, but it also helps individuals recognize patterns from the past that might be influencing their present reactions.
Chair work paves the way for another cornerstone of conflict resilience: metacognition. Metacognition refers to the ability to observe your own thoughts and emotions without being overtaken by them. This mindfulness-like skill is essential for slowing down automatic reactions and choosing thoughtful responses. Rather than being hijacked by emotion, individuals who practice metacognition can acknowledge their feelings while staying grounded in the moment. This, according to Bordone and Salinas, is the real essence of conflict resilience—not suppressing feelings, but remaining present with them and still choosing how to respond.
The authors also advocate for deep listening as a vital tool in the conflict engagement process. Most people listen with the intent to reply or defend; true deep listening involves full presence and curiosity. When we truly listen, we hear not just what someone says, but what they mean, what they feel, and what might be going unsaid. This can defuse tension and create the trust necessary for genuine dialogue. Active listening, summarizing what’s been heard, and asking open-ended questions help unearth the underlying needs and assumptions that often fuel surface-level disagreements.
Throughout the book, Bordone and Salinas stress that changing how we approach conflict is a process. Even with new tools, discomfort is inevitable—especially in longstanding or emotionally loaded relationships. They caution that trying out new methods might feel awkward or even provoke initial resistance. This should not be seen as failure, but as a natural part of learning. Practicing these skills in low-stakes situations first can help build confidence and capacity over time.
A particularly strategic portion of the book addresses the preparation that precedes any constructive negotiation. Just as professional mediators set the table carefully before a big meeting, everyday conflict resolution benefits from similar intentionality. This might mean choosing the right time and setting for a conversation, thinking through your objectives in advance, and considering the emotional readiness of all parties involved. Whether you’re addressing a coworker, partner, or friend, preparation makes it easier to remain present and grounded during the actual conversation.
The book also explores the concept of BATNA—your 'Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.' Understanding your fallback option empowers you to negotiate with less fear and greater clarity. For example, if you're negotiating a raise and your BATNA is to stay in your current position for the time being, or to begin job hunting, that knowledge gives you a clear sense of where your limits lie and what you're willing to accept. This clarity enhances confidence and prevents you from being cornered into agreements that feel unbalanced or unsatisfying.
What ties all these techniques together is a larger philosophical shift: the belief that conflict is not inherently destructive. Instead, it can be a catalyst for growth, intimacy, innovation, and social progress. But accessing these benefits requires the courage to engage, the patience to listen, and the willingness to be vulnerable.
In their final reflections, Bordone and Salinas emphasize that becoming more conflict-resilient won’t happen overnight. But like any skill, it can be developed with practice, patience, and reflection. Even small successes—voicing your feelings clearly in a tense meeting, listening without interrupting, or walking away from an argument without feeling defeated—are markers of progress. Each encounter is an opportunity to learn something new about yourself and others.
Ultimately, "Conflict Resilience" is not just about surviving disagreement—it’s about using it to build deeper connections, more authentic relationships, and more inclusive communities. It shows that conflict, when approached with curiosity, clarity, and compassion, can be not a threat to avoid, but a doorway to growth and understanding.
The book begins by identifying a universal truth: conflict is a part of life. Whether it's a disagreement with a loved one, a challenge in the workplace, or ideological disputes with people holding opposing beliefs, conflict appears in many forms. The authors stress that the act of sidestepping disagreement does not neutralize it; instead, it allows frustration and misunderstanding to fester beneath the surface. The answer, then, is not avoidance, but a thoughtful and structured engagement with conflict—an engagement that neither demands compromise of one's core values nor domination of others.
The authors build their approach on the foundation of neuroscience and psychology. One of their most eye-opening arguments is that most of us overestimate our rationality. While we may believe we reach our conclusions through facts and logic, research shows that emotions often guide our beliefs, and facts are recruited later to justify them. Recognizing this tendency doesn't make us weaker thinkers; it makes us more honest and self-aware. The ability to admit emotional influence can open the door to deeper understanding and a greater willingness to consider other perspectives.
Another critical insight from the book lies in how our brains are wired for threat detection. With more than 100 billion neurons focused on identifying danger, our bodies often react to interpersonal conflict as though it's a physical threat, triggering stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These chemical reactions prime us for one of five instinctive responses: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fester. But in modern life, reacting as if an awkward meeting is a lion attack often results in miscommunication and escalation, not resolution.
To help readers develop a clearer understanding of their responses to conflict, the authors encourage a personal inventory: how frequently do you sense conflict, and how do you typically react to it? This reflective work provides a baseline from which to grow and helps individuals identify the tools they need to navigate difficult situations more skillfully. The goal is to build resilience—not through emotional detachment, but through increased awareness, tolerance for discomfort, and a structured process for engagement.
One of the standout tools introduced in the book is the 'chair work' technique. This exercise helps individuals explore the multiple, often conflicting emotions they carry into a disagreement. By assigning each emotion its own physical chair, and allowing oneself to inhabit and speak from each emotional perspective, individuals learn to validate their internal landscape. In a scenario where conflict arises around unequal household responsibilities, for example, one might explore the voices of anger, guilt, and sadness—each offering a different layer of the emotional truth. This practice not only enhances emotional clarity, but it also helps individuals recognize patterns from the past that might be influencing their present reactions.
Chair work paves the way for another cornerstone of conflict resilience: metacognition. Metacognition refers to the ability to observe your own thoughts and emotions without being overtaken by them. This mindfulness-like skill is essential for slowing down automatic reactions and choosing thoughtful responses. Rather than being hijacked by emotion, individuals who practice metacognition can acknowledge their feelings while staying grounded in the moment. This, according to Bordone and Salinas, is the real essence of conflict resilience—not suppressing feelings, but remaining present with them and still choosing how to respond.
The authors also advocate for deep listening as a vital tool in the conflict engagement process. Most people listen with the intent to reply or defend; true deep listening involves full presence and curiosity. When we truly listen, we hear not just what someone says, but what they mean, what they feel, and what might be going unsaid. This can defuse tension and create the trust necessary for genuine dialogue. Active listening, summarizing what’s been heard, and asking open-ended questions help unearth the underlying needs and assumptions that often fuel surface-level disagreements.
Throughout the book, Bordone and Salinas stress that changing how we approach conflict is a process. Even with new tools, discomfort is inevitable—especially in longstanding or emotionally loaded relationships. They caution that trying out new methods might feel awkward or even provoke initial resistance. This should not be seen as failure, but as a natural part of learning. Practicing these skills in low-stakes situations first can help build confidence and capacity over time.
A particularly strategic portion of the book addresses the preparation that precedes any constructive negotiation. Just as professional mediators set the table carefully before a big meeting, everyday conflict resolution benefits from similar intentionality. This might mean choosing the right time and setting for a conversation, thinking through your objectives in advance, and considering the emotional readiness of all parties involved. Whether you’re addressing a coworker, partner, or friend, preparation makes it easier to remain present and grounded during the actual conversation.
The book also explores the concept of BATNA—your 'Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.' Understanding your fallback option empowers you to negotiate with less fear and greater clarity. For example, if you're negotiating a raise and your BATNA is to stay in your current position for the time being, or to begin job hunting, that knowledge gives you a clear sense of where your limits lie and what you're willing to accept. This clarity enhances confidence and prevents you from being cornered into agreements that feel unbalanced or unsatisfying.
What ties all these techniques together is a larger philosophical shift: the belief that conflict is not inherently destructive. Instead, it can be a catalyst for growth, intimacy, innovation, and social progress. But accessing these benefits requires the courage to engage, the patience to listen, and the willingness to be vulnerable.
In their final reflections, Bordone and Salinas emphasize that becoming more conflict-resilient won’t happen overnight. But like any skill, it can be developed with practice, patience, and reflection. Even small successes—voicing your feelings clearly in a tense meeting, listening without interrupting, or walking away from an argument without feeling defeated—are markers of progress. Each encounter is an opportunity to learn something new about yourself and others.
Ultimately, "Conflict Resilience" is not just about surviving disagreement—it’s about using it to build deeper connections, more authentic relationships, and more inclusive communities. It shows that conflict, when approached with curiosity, clarity, and compassion, can be not a threat to avoid, but a doorway to growth and understanding.
April 10, 2025
Conflict Resilience felt like a wake-up call for my personal life. It’s not just about resolving arguments — it’s about creating space for real understanding and empathy. I feel more connected to my partner, my friends, and even myself after reading this.
Thank you Bob Bordone!!
Thank you Bob Bordone!!
April 5, 2025
Excellent step by step presentation of tools to use in learning to become better at this important skill. Like muscles your brain can be trained to become more resilient.
April 3, 2025
The authors contend that as a society, we're losing the ability to have difficult conversations, and rampant conflict avoidance is having harmful effects. They believe that such dialogue is important even when reaching agreement is unlikely. I could not agree more. They offer lots of insight and useful techniques for tolerating discomfort and having conversations with those who disagree.
December 14, 2025
Having published my leadership book last November, I've now identified and started outlining my next two books. One will be on effectively handling conflict, while the other will cover building resilience in yourselves and others. So, imagine how excited I was when I came across this work that combines both topics in one book.
Alas, this promising premise didn't deliver.
Actually, that's not fair. This work did contain some pieces of good writing and great information that was, regrettably, surrounded and overwhelmed by extraneous or dryly written detail. (I often use the analogy with books such as this that the author(s) forced the reader to painfully wade through a lot of mine tailings to find the hidden gems.)
I'll start with a few of those rare gems...
I love the concept of "conflict resilience," which can best be explained by the following direct quotes from the book:
“This capacity to sit with others in conflict and do the hard work of both listening and engaging with them is what Bob has termed conflict resilience. It is related to, but different from, conflict resolution, negotiation, mediation, or facilitation.” It is their antecedent… [p. 4]
“Simply put, conflict resilience is the ability to genuinely sit with and grow from conflict.” [p. 10]
I also enjoyed the content around "The Neurology of Conflict"; The Ladder of Inference"; "Emotional Approach Coping"; "The Distinctions Between Discomfort, Trauma, Adverse Life Experiences, and PTSD"; and the futility - and even damaging effects of those insipid "Trigger Warnings" we see everywhere these days.
Unfortunately, the reader had to work through page after page after page of either other dry content and/or copious amounts of personal examples to benefit from the above-mentioned enlightening content. My general rule of thumb is that most nonfiction works would benefit from being 20-25% shorter. This one might have needed 40% pruning. It took me months to work my way through this book, and I came close to giving up on it numerous times.
Finally, I settled on a two-star review because the authors' voices never blended into a single, coherent narrative. Although there were only two authors, the book reads as if it's three different stories:
1. Bob's expertise on conflict resilience,
2. Joel's expertise on the neurological aspect of conflict, and
3. A self-help book on dealing with emotions and trauma.
In the end, the three areas of emphasis just didn't coalesce into a single voice.
I generally hate giving books only two stars. And if 2.5 stars were an option, I'd give it to this work. Also, I AM glad I struggled through it, because I did learn some fascinating things. I just wish I hadn't had to work so hard to do so.
Alas, this promising premise didn't deliver.
Actually, that's not fair. This work did contain some pieces of good writing and great information that was, regrettably, surrounded and overwhelmed by extraneous or dryly written detail. (I often use the analogy with books such as this that the author(s) forced the reader to painfully wade through a lot of mine tailings to find the hidden gems.)
I'll start with a few of those rare gems...
I love the concept of "conflict resilience," which can best be explained by the following direct quotes from the book:
“This capacity to sit with others in conflict and do the hard work of both listening and engaging with them is what Bob has termed conflict resilience. It is related to, but different from, conflict resolution, negotiation, mediation, or facilitation.” It is their antecedent… [p. 4]
“Simply put, conflict resilience is the ability to genuinely sit with and grow from conflict.” [p. 10]
I also enjoyed the content around "The Neurology of Conflict"; The Ladder of Inference"; "Emotional Approach Coping"; "The Distinctions Between Discomfort, Trauma, Adverse Life Experiences, and PTSD"; and the futility - and even damaging effects of those insipid "Trigger Warnings" we see everywhere these days.
Unfortunately, the reader had to work through page after page after page of either other dry content and/or copious amounts of personal examples to benefit from the above-mentioned enlightening content. My general rule of thumb is that most nonfiction works would benefit from being 20-25% shorter. This one might have needed 40% pruning. It took me months to work my way through this book, and I came close to giving up on it numerous times.
Finally, I settled on a two-star review because the authors' voices never blended into a single, coherent narrative. Although there were only two authors, the book reads as if it's three different stories:
1. Bob's expertise on conflict resilience,
2. Joel's expertise on the neurological aspect of conflict, and
3. A self-help book on dealing with emotions and trauma.
In the end, the three areas of emphasis just didn't coalesce into a single voice.
I generally hate giving books only two stars. And if 2.5 stars were an option, I'd give it to this work. Also, I AM glad I struggled through it, because I did learn some fascinating things. I just wish I hadn't had to work so hard to do so.
May 12, 2025
It's no secret that the U.S. is deeply divided. More than ever, it seems as though people live in silos and don't truly listen to understand another perspective. This book can help those who wish to move towards bringing together people with a variety of perspectives. Some conflict can be harmful, of course, and the authors caution readers to consider whether some conversations are worth having--e.g. a gay person having a conversation with someone who dehumanizes gay people and doesn't want them to exist.
However, if you want to better understand your own conflict style and how to develop more resilience, this may be a good book for you. I learned a lot from it. I learned what I'm already doing well and areas in which I can improve.
This book is written by and for allistics. The only mention of autistic people is a stereotype. That's made it challenging for me to rate it. There are many times where I noticed they didn't take autistic people or other neurodivergent people into account, and it frustrated me. Some tools that would help in conflict weren't included, but the authors may not have realized that, given the centering of allistic people.
Overall, I think this book can make a huge difference for organizations, groups, and individuals. I'd urge allistic people who read this to consider autistic people when planning for discussions like the ones illustrated in the book. Having a circle and a speaking order can help ease the stress of wondering when to jump in. It can also be a way to remind people who tend to talk a lot to share conversation time with others.
Thank you to the publisher and Edelweiss for an ARC!
However, if you want to better understand your own conflict style and how to develop more resilience, this may be a good book for you. I learned a lot from it. I learned what I'm already doing well and areas in which I can improve.
This book is written by and for allistics. The only mention of autistic people is a stereotype. That's made it challenging for me to rate it. There are many times where I noticed they didn't take autistic people or other neurodivergent people into account, and it frustrated me. Some tools that would help in conflict weren't included, but the authors may not have realized that, given the centering of allistic people.
Overall, I think this book can make a huge difference for organizations, groups, and individuals. I'd urge allistic people who read this to consider autistic people when planning for discussions like the ones illustrated in the book. Having a circle and a speaking order can help ease the stress of wondering when to jump in. It can also be a way to remind people who tend to talk a lot to share conversation time with others.
Thank you to the publisher and Edelweiss for an ARC!
Read
August 9, 2025An informative and practical book. Bordone is a Harvard Law profession who specializes in negotiation tactics; Salinas is a neurologist. Together they try to tackle the problem of society becoming less able to have difficult conversations – some of us becoming completely avoidant, some of us charging in aggressively, but in neither case working on listening, outreach, and resolution. Bordone and Salinas argue that a prerequisite to conflict resolution is conflict RESILIENCE, which is made up of two parts: conflict RECOGNITION (in which circumstances do you perceive that you are in conflict, instead of just normal disagreement) and conflict TOLERANCE (how well you can sit with discomfort). The first part of the book is all about internal work, building both conflict recognition and conflict tolerance, which the authors argue is an absolutely essential step before actually sitting across the table from someone and having a difficult conversation with them. Part two involves deep listening (of which active listening is a part, but only a part) and effective assertiveness (ensuring that you can assert not only your positions, but also your interests and your feelings). The third part of the book is about actually having conflict resilient conversations and building conflict resilient organizations. The authors are both clear that reading the book isn’t enough – you have to be ready to do the work. It’s hard, but it’s necessary. I’m glad to have read this book, and I hope to be able to implement many of the strategies in the hopes of becoming more conflict resilient myself.
August 8, 2025
There is a lot to learn in this book. There is a lot of unrealized potential. I like that this book points out that we have become a conflict-averse society. Not everyone of course, but one can hardly turn around in a grocery store without "triggering" someone and causing them to evacuate to save their delicate sensibilities. Others do cause conflict in every circumstance to hide insecurity or dial up manipulation.
There is an effort made to help people through the process of conflict. There is an obstacle to the ideas in this book being as effective as they could be. You will not succeed in conflict resilience if you do not practice emotional intelligence and get very good at making it about the other side first. In these pages, the authors talk about the importance of listening and making the other side feel heard and seen. Then they give examples or possible responses that ALL point back to what the speaker is feeling or seeing.
Read Never Split The Difference by Chris Voss. You will learn far more about how to diffuse and defuse conflict from anyone while staying in the moment. To improve yourself you must first understand that people are usually not against you, they are solidly for themselves. If you work the same way then every conflict will become an escape scenario or an attempt to frustrate the other side out of the room.
There is an effort made to help people through the process of conflict. There is an obstacle to the ideas in this book being as effective as they could be. You will not succeed in conflict resilience if you do not practice emotional intelligence and get very good at making it about the other side first. In these pages, the authors talk about the importance of listening and making the other side feel heard and seen. Then they give examples or possible responses that ALL point back to what the speaker is feeling or seeing.
Read Never Split The Difference by Chris Voss. You will learn far more about how to diffuse and defuse conflict from anyone while staying in the moment. To improve yourself you must first understand that people are usually not against you, they are solidly for themselves. If you work the same way then every conflict will become an escape scenario or an attempt to frustrate the other side out of the room.
May 21, 2025
conflict is an inevitable part of life – but increasingly, people are choosing to avoid it altogether, often at great personal and societal cost. Avoidance leads to fractured families, stalled careers, and deepening political, cultural, and religious divides.
Building resilience begins with self-awareness. By understanding your current capacity to detect and respond to conflict, you can begin to cultivate metacognition – the mindful awareness that allows you to pause, reflect, and respond with intention.
Tools like chair work can help you explore your emotions, clarify your interests, and prepare for difficult conversations. When paired with deep listening, clear assertion, and thoughtful process design, these techniques make it easier to preserve shared interests and create the space for genuine connection.
And finally, knowing your best alternative to a negotiated agreement – whether that means doing nothing or walking away – gives you the clarity and confidence to navigate even the most complex conflicts with purpose and stability.
Building resilience begins with self-awareness. By understanding your current capacity to detect and respond to conflict, you can begin to cultivate metacognition – the mindful awareness that allows you to pause, reflect, and respond with intention.
Tools like chair work can help you explore your emotions, clarify your interests, and prepare for difficult conversations. When paired with deep listening, clear assertion, and thoughtful process design, these techniques make it easier to preserve shared interests and create the space for genuine connection.
And finally, knowing your best alternative to a negotiated agreement – whether that means doing nothing or walking away – gives you the clarity and confidence to navigate even the most complex conflicts with purpose and stability.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 9, 2025
Wow! This book should be topping the charts. It's exactly what we need right now - a book for tough conversations, especially the ones we most dread, written beautifully and with passion and compassion.
I loved the combination of brain science, really practical advice, and some fun stories. The authors tell some stories of popular figures like Dolly Parton (love her!) and some of their own stories (which are endearing, vulnerable, and real). They do this in a way that makes them seem accessible even though they are both extremely credentialed former Harvard profs.
I also have read "The Next Conversation: Talk More, Argue Less." There is no comparison between these two books. Conflict Resilience is so much richer and useful. Not just about opening quips....Conflict Resilience really helped me think deeply about my own internal conflicts and how that plays out with others.
I recommend highly and will be ordering for others in my life!
I loved the combination of brain science, really practical advice, and some fun stories. The authors tell some stories of popular figures like Dolly Parton (love her!) and some of their own stories (which are endearing, vulnerable, and real). They do this in a way that makes them seem accessible even though they are both extremely credentialed former Harvard profs.
I also have read "The Next Conversation: Talk More, Argue Less." There is no comparison between these two books. Conflict Resilience is so much richer and useful. Not just about opening quips....Conflict Resilience really helped me think deeply about my own internal conflicts and how that plays out with others.
I recommend highly and will be ordering for others in my life!
June 7, 2025
A neuroscientist and a lawyer team up to help you understand how to be more resilient in the face of disagreement. This book is kinda perfect for our times. So often we want to just shut down, tune out and turn away from conflict in this really difficult time. But what if we built up our skills to engage just a bit more? The authors balance strategies with understanding. For me, understanding why I approach conflict in a certain way was really helpful. This book is certainly "meaty" so I did the audiobook and the hardcover. Essential for anyone who cares about issues deeply or even cares about engaging better with people close to them whom they disagree with. Now, if I can only implement these ideas in real life.
December 14, 2025
I like that this book encourages you to sit in conflict and not be afraid of it. I also like that the tips provided, with practical examples, of what those conversations could sound like.
The internal conflict and chain exercise were the parts that grabbed my attention the most, with figuring out the primary objective following close behind these two. The number of meetings I have attended where it felt like nothing was addressed or accomplished, could have used this process to streamline those meetings.
Chris Brinkley did a great job narrating this book and bringing these ideas to life.
The internal conflict and chain exercise were the parts that grabbed my attention the most, with figuring out the primary objective following close behind these two. The number of meetings I have attended where it felt like nothing was addressed or accomplished, could have used this process to streamline those meetings.
Chris Brinkley did a great job narrating this book and bringing these ideas to life.
November 26, 2025
Conflict resilience is something many of the clients struggle with, so I was interested to see what ideas a lawyer, negotiator and mediator could offer. I found many ideas that I will adopt and I have recorded an interview for my podcast: The Meaningful Life with Andrew G Marshall.
January 22, 2026
Some very good advice here. However, like anything in life, it takes effort and practice to accomplish the skills desired in this book. That being said if one is willing to put in the effort (mirroring, chair work and table work exercises) and has the commitment and determination to make it happen then this book is for you.
The steps to achieving conflict resilience are clearly defined with real life examples, written in an easy to understand format. What makes this book unique from other self help books is that not only are the skills spelled out for the reader but that the authors also describe the science, specifically brain science that goes behind it.
The steps to achieving conflict resilience are clearly defined with real life examples, written in an easy to understand format. What makes this book unique from other self help books is that not only are the skills spelled out for the reader but that the authors also describe the science, specifically brain science that goes behind it.
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews