Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow

by Jay Stringer

Have you ever wondered why chasing love, success, or pleasure feels like an unending struggle? Or why the things you want are always out of reach?

Drawing on a new study of 4,000 people, renowned therapist and award-winning author Jay Stringer reveals how desire—the most powerful and misunderstood force in our lives—shapes everything: who we love, what we chase, and the life we create.

Desire drives our search for intimacy, meaning, and joy, but it can also lead to shame, betrayal, and self-sabotage. Too often we are encouraged to silence it, distort it, or treat surface-level symptoms like loneliness, low desire, or porn use—without listening to what our longings are really telling us.

In Desire, Stringer shows how to decode those clues and transform your story. Drawing on unforgettable stories from his clinical practice—individuals and couples navigating everything from childhood scars to purity culture, professional exhaustion to sexual difficulties, codependency to self-doubt—he shows you how to ask the questions you’ve been avoiding and move toward the healing you didn’t know how to seek.

This book doesn’t offer quick fixes. Through deep compassion and research, it offers something far more powerful: the invitation to approach your desires with curiosity, so you can stop unhealthy patterns and begin building a life of connection, purpose, and love.

Genres: Relationships, Sexuality, Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction

384 pages, Hardcover

Published March 3, 2026

About the author

Therapist · Researcher · Author

I believe your struggles are the beginning of your story, not the end.

I’m Jay Stringer—a licensed mental health counselor and researcher. For 15+ years I’ve helped thousands make sense of unwanted patterns and unmet longings and turn them into a path for healing and growth. My work equips you to read your story and form desire into your greatest ally.

What I do:
I help people engage the forces shaping their desire, sexuality, and relationships so they can move toward lives of freedom, connection, and meaning. My practice and programs focus on the patterns we most want to change—pornography use, affairs, low desire, conflict, and relational distance—and the longings underneath them.

Research & writing:
I’m the author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing (100,000+ readers), grounded in a study of nearly 4,000 adults and used by clinicians and communities worldwide. My forthcoming book, Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow (Random House, 2026), offers a new framework for five core longings—wholeness, growth, intimacy, pleasure, and meaning—and shows how to form desire into a force that restores connection and purpose.

Education:
MA in Counseling Psychology and MDiv, The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. Trained in both counseling psychology and spiritual formation; integrates trauma-informed care, adult development, and narrative work.

I live in New York City with my wife, Heather, and our two children.

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Reviews

[Kathy Bell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow by Jay Stringer offers a compassionate exploration of how human longings and desires shapes relationships, identity, and patterns of behavior.
From a therapist’s perspective, the book is especially valuable for reframing desire not as something to suppress or fix but as meaningful data that reveals your deeper emotional and relational needs. I love this book as it offers a new honest kind and compassionate lens to help each of us look at our desires with curiosity as we explore our personal narratives that may still be unresolved. What a gift!

[Kyle Troyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stringer treats the topic of desire in a both comprehensive and nuanced manner that invites the reader to explore this often ignored and suppressed human motivator. This book invites introspection and gives the reader a path for understanding and cultivating a healthy relationship with their desires. This is an essential read for anyone that wants to better understand themselves and grow as an individual.

[Nto · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the book’s greatest strengths is its reframing of desire. Instead of treating longing as a weakness or something to suppress, the author argues that desire is actually a signal pointing toward unmet emotional needs and personal truth. When people learn to understand what they truly want—whether it is connection, recognition, intimacy, or purpose—they can begin to live more authentic and fulfilling lives.

The book also dives into the science behind attachment, emotional patterns, and how past experiences influence what we want in love and relationships. It explains why people often repeat the same relational patterns and how awareness of these patterns can lead to healing. By blending research with storytelling, the ideas remain accessible and engaging rather than overly academic.

Another compelling aspect of the book is its emphasis on growth. It encourages readers to see desire as a catalyst for transformation. When people acknowledge their longings instead of ignoring them, they can better understand their fears, boundaries, and emotional needs. This process can ultimately lead to healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self.

Overall, *Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow* is a thoughtful and insightful exploration of human emotion and connection. It offers readers both scientific insight and practical reflection, making it valuable for anyone interested in psychology, relationships, or personal development. The book ultimately reminds us that our desires are not flaws to overcome, but important signals that can guide us toward healing, growth, and deeper connection.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and Convergent Books for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

This book is a tough one as all good self help books should be. It covers deep topics but in a way that’s approachable. The stories based on real examples help settle deep concepts. However you have to be ready for some serious emotional labor for this book to “work” (which you need for all books like this). However, I had two big issues with this on a literary level- it’s very obvious the author is used to writing about sexual desire (see his previous book) as that part of the book just felt weighted and emphasized very differently, making the balance a bit weird for me. And secondly the book refers to and seems to rely heavily on a second workbook, which is a personal pet peeve of mine (please don’t make me buy a second book so that your first book will work…)

[Dawson Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's some really interesting stuff in here, particularly the last chapters on meaning, which I found to be helpful for me. I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed because it feels like Stringer is moving away from the truth of the gospel, which is what I thought gave so much meaning to Unwanted. I am unsure if there was a single Scripture reference or mention of Jesus in this book, which may sound legalistic but the truth of the Gospel adds so much more to our desires and how to cultivate them. Also felt confused about where he stands on homosexuality, which bothers me slightly. Really did enjoy much of the other references to Dan Siegel's work and the comparison between Sue Johnson's version of attachment theory and David Schnarch's theory of differentiation. May read again at some point because I went through it relatively quickly.

[Firetruckmama · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an eARC of this book from NetGalley and the publisher, for which I thank them.

“Desire” is a self-help book by Jay Stringer. While most people think “desire” refers to intimacy, it also refers to things one wants (“my heart’s desire”) and what brings one joy. Stringer looks at five core belongings - wholeness, growth, intimacy, pleasure, and meaning - and shows how to form, in a healthy manner, desire into a force that restores connection and purpose in your life. It’s not easy, meaning there’s a bit of work to be done and some potentially deep digging into your past. I can see why some people will like this book - the writing is matter-of-fact and there are some good examples from his patients and his own experience.

[M K · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jay Stringer’s Desire presents an integrated psychological framework for understanding the role of desire in personal and relational development. A particularly compelling insight appears in Chapter 9, where Stringer urges couples to “divorce the pattern, not the person,” arguing that many conflicts arise from entrenched relational dynamics rather than inherent incompatibility. This insight is especially valuable in the context of betrayal trauma repair, where separation is often presented as the primary pathway to healing. By identifying and confronting destructive patterns rather than dissolving the relationship itself, Stringer offers a more constructive path toward restored intimacy and relational resilience.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Based on the tag line of “the New Science of how we love,” I had expected more science. Most of the science in this book was a recounting of the statistics from the author’s own “Holistic Desire Survey.” All of the included statistics passed my sense check but I wonder if any peer review happened.

For me, this book wasn’t a cohesive philosophy; it was smaller bits of advice. Most of that advice was a good reminder of things I’ve heard before with a few new-to-me ideas. (My favorite was the “demilitarized zone” that occurs in relationships around topics that aren’t discussed.)

(I also sampled the audiobook, which is read by the author, and the narration is excellent.)

Thank you to NetGalley and to Convergent Books for an eARC of this book! This is my honest review.

[Ellen Ross · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was so fascinating. I learned all about desire when it comes to love, jobs, pleasure, and more. I loved the way the book was broken up by section for the different “desires” and how everything is explained very deeply and shows how our childhood upbringing can influence the way we live our adult lives when it comes to desire. Desire always seems to be a taboo topic almost as if it’s selfish and shouldn’t be talked about but this book certainly changes that. I loved the real life examples the author shares which make much of this book even more relatable. Definitely a great book to read to quell your mind and teach you something new. It definitely will give you action items to focus on in your own life. I received a review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a DRC of this book through Netgalley and the publisher. I have a background in psychology and I like to read books in the field occasionally. This book is about desire and sexuality, but it goes back to childhood to see how desire was instilled or denied in you as a child. Most people don't want to think about their family of origin when they are in bed with a sexual partner, but who we choose and how we act is often because of our upbringing. There are communication and writing exercises to figure out how to get past the trauma of our childhoods and figure out how to have a fulfilling partnership and life. I found it to be an interesting read with some good insights.

[Luke Huneycutt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Desire traverses tough topics related to the heart's deep desires. The book was exposing in the best of ways, as it clarified where I still need to develop myself. It also was deeply inspiring, offering a bigger dream of what a life full of desire could be like. Stringer is a trailblazer; the content in this book speaks life into the heart and soul in new, profound ways. Given that the book is both easy to read for the everyday reader and is concise, there is no reason not to read Desire. I believe if you allow it, the book can be your anchor as you make the critical decision to want more from life and pursue even greater beauty.

[Becca]

DNF @40%. No rating as I did not read the book in its entirety.

I was really bummed by this. The author’s first book focused on pursuing wholeness through a biblical worldview, so I had expected something similar here. Unfortunately, this felt like a lot of self-help tidbits put together with the goal of being a “better version of yourself.”

I think there can be *some* valuable principles, but without recognizing that our desires are pointing us toward ultimate fulfillment in Christ, any steps in the right direction will leave us still wanting more.

I was particularly bothered by the sections encouraging digging into our childhood and viewing our parents through a critical lens. I personally do not think this is helpful advice.

I received an advanced review copy of this title thanks to Netgalley and Convergent. All opinions are my own.

[A Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Desire is an insightful and compassionate look at the deeper forces that shape our longings and relationships. Rather than treating desire as something to fear or suppress, Stringer encourages readers to approach it with curiosity and honesty. Blending research, real-life stories, and thoughtful reflection, this book offers a refreshing perspective on personal growth and healing. It’s a thought-provoking read that invites readers to better understand themselves and the deeper needs that drive their lives.

[Brayden Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is the one I’ve been longing for someone to write. It takes the beautiful foundation of story work that has greatly impacted my life and goes the extra step of holistic integration into every aspect of life from relationships to purpose to sexuality to personal growth. It is a deep clinical balanced look at the core longings within us and how to relate to them healthily. As a follower of Jesus I wanted more explicitly biblical worldview themes shared (Jay is a follower of Jesus as well) but I understand his choice to create a broader audience through a more clinical approach.

[Bridgett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jay writes about the vast experiences of desire remarkable wisdom and compassion. As I read, I found myself asking deeper questions about my own life. When did I learn to look away from dysfunction in relationships that has kept me small, and what was happening in my life as a kid that taught me to do that? This book welcomed me to linger a little longer with my desires and move toward a bigger, more honest life. I’m grateful for this work!

[Tonya Bryant Gillon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very easy to read. It has almost a conversational tone to it. I found it so informative and such an important topic. Walks you through each style of discussion and then explains how to work through each. I loved this writing style and found the book enjoyable.

I would recommend this book.

I want to thank NetGalley and Convergent - Convergent Books for this advanced reader copy and this is my honest review.

[Hannah May · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book. Jay has done such deep work to uncover and understand desire and how it is and isn’t engaged in our lives. This book walks you through the 5 distinct desires we all share and how to welcome them more wholly into your life. The content of this book is transformative! He is expanding a conversation on desire that is so very needed in this day and time.

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jay Stringer has done it again, writing a book that balances research and personal stories that not only delves into a topic that is deep and often troubled, but brings a new perspective that will change the discussion and shift the paradigm many of us bring to our understanding and relationship with desire.