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It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People
Goodreads Choice Award
Nominee for Readers' Favorite Audiobook (2024)A transformative guide to protecting and healing yourself from the narcissism you can’t see, from psychologist and preeminent narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula
It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently?
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You , the answer absolutely nothing. Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame.
Deeply compassionate and revelatory, It’s Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation.
Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.
It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently?
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You , the answer absolutely nothing. Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame.
Deeply compassionate and revelatory, It’s Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation.
Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.
1 pages, Audio CD
First published February 20, 2024
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22629 people want to read
About the author
Ramani Durvasula
15 books1,174 followersDr. Ramani Durvasula is on a mission to demystify and dismantle the toxic influence of narcissism on all of our lives. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica and Sherman Oaks, CA and Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, where she was named Outstanding Professor in 2012. She is also a Visiting Professor at the University of Johannesburg.
She is the author of the modern relationship survival manual Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist (Post Hill Press) She is also the author of You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life, as well as the author of numerous peer reviewed journal articles, book chapters and conference papers. In September 2019, her overview book on narcissism in our world, our hearts, homes, and workplaces entitled DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility will be released.
Dr. Ramani received her B.S. in Psychology from the University of Connecticut, and her MA and Ph.D. degrees in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.
She brings a wealth of expertise in relationships, sexuality, health and wellness. Dr. Ramani was the co-host of Oxygen’s series My Shopping Addiction, and has also been featured on series on Bravo, the Lifetime Movie Network, National Geographic, the History Channel, Discovery Science, and Investigation Discovery as well as in documentary films on health and narcissism. She has been a featured commentator on nearly every major television network, as well as radio, print, and internet media.
Dr. Ramani is also involved in national governance in the field of psychology and has served as the chair of the Committee on Socioeconomic Status at the American Psychological Association and is presently chair of the Advisory Board of the Minority Fellowship Program of the American Psychological Association.
Dr. Ramani recognizes that narcissism and technology have changed the landscape of love and relationships and provides keen insights on how to survive in the new territory of love and commitment.
She is the author of the modern relationship survival manual Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist (Post Hill Press) She is also the author of You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life, as well as the author of numerous peer reviewed journal articles, book chapters and conference papers. In September 2019, her overview book on narcissism in our world, our hearts, homes, and workplaces entitled DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility will be released.
Dr. Ramani received her B.S. in Psychology from the University of Connecticut, and her MA and Ph.D. degrees in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.
She brings a wealth of expertise in relationships, sexuality, health and wellness. Dr. Ramani was the co-host of Oxygen’s series My Shopping Addiction, and has also been featured on series on Bravo, the Lifetime Movie Network, National Geographic, the History Channel, Discovery Science, and Investigation Discovery as well as in documentary films on health and narcissism. She has been a featured commentator on nearly every major television network, as well as radio, print, and internet media.
Dr. Ramani is also involved in national governance in the field of psychology and has served as the chair of the Committee on Socioeconomic Status at the American Psychological Association and is presently chair of the Advisory Board of the Minority Fellowship Program of the American Psychological Association.
Dr. Ramani recognizes that narcissism and technology have changed the landscape of love and relationships and provides keen insights on how to survive in the new territory of love and commitment.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,223 reviews
May 20, 2025
I didn't read this book for myself. I have the kind of personality that is bizarrely resistant to narcissists, for which I'm eternally grateful. I read it because I found myself with the problem of being at a loss when it came to helping someone else who was stuck in the self-doubt and self-flagellation that comes after leaving an abusive relationship.
With this book and her YouTube channel, Dr. Ramani sets people up for success. Recovery from this kind of abuse always starts with letting go of the desire to earn the abuser's approval, their respect or their love. They can't give it to you because they don't know how, and moreover, they don't want to. She emphasises the futility of forgiveness instead of acceptance: truly believing that they are not going to change, not for you and not for the next person, and that all you can do is keep living your life in a way that makes you happy without keeping them inside your mind, like a joy-sucking parasite.
If you've been through narcissistic abuse, this book will help. It's still entirely up to you to do what you need to do, have epiphanies and feel your feelings. It will take time. It's worth the effort.
For some further reading, I can thoroughly recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. I liked it even more than this one.
With this book and her YouTube channel, Dr. Ramani sets people up for success. Recovery from this kind of abuse always starts with letting go of the desire to earn the abuser's approval, their respect or their love. They can't give it to you because they don't know how, and moreover, they don't want to. She emphasises the futility of forgiveness instead of acceptance: truly believing that they are not going to change, not for you and not for the next person, and that all you can do is keep living your life in a way that makes you happy without keeping them inside your mind, like a joy-sucking parasite.
If you've been through narcissistic abuse, this book will help. It's still entirely up to you to do what you need to do, have epiphanies and feel your feelings. It will take time. It's worth the effort.
For some further reading, I can thoroughly recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. I liked it even more than this one.
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November 22, 2024A really excellent book on narcissism that doesn't focus on "why does s/he do that?" Author has a refreshing total lack of interest in what drives narcissist behaviour, only in identifying it and giving strategies to cope with / escape from it, and either way heal from it. Very understandingly written, especially on why you might need/want to keep those people in your life, and the importance of radical acceptance. (That they won't change, they won't ever change because they don't want to, and there is nothing you can do to make them not be this way.)
One of those books you read with a constant 'ding!' sound going off in your head as it hits target after target.
One of those books you read with a constant 'ding!' sound going off in your head as it hits target after target.
March 20, 2024
Irreplaceable. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is the leading light in her field. Her understanding of narcissism and the path to healing for those who endured its infliction is life-saving. I say that without hyperbole.
February 28, 2024
Wow. This book simply blew me away. I felt the layers of self blame for my upbringing and past toxic relationships peel away layer by layer with each page. It touched on similar topics that can be found in an older book of hers called "Should I stay or should I go?" Which I also found very helpful, yet this book goes further and deeper. I've followed Dr Ramani for a while, and she has really helped me understand certain toxic dynamics that I have come up against in my life. She's my go-to when it comes to understanding narcissistic and domestic abuse, and this book is good reason as to why. The final pages were incredibly touching and gave me goosebumps. Just wow. I highly recommend it as must-read for anyone along their healing journey. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
March 24, 2025
"يفكر البعض منا أن التمسك بالأشياء يجعلنا أقوياء، لكن أحياناً يكمن السر بالتخلي.
هيرمان هيسه."
الغالبية العظمى لا تعرف معني النرجسية ، يظنون اننا نتحدث عن شخص مغرور وواثق بنفسه مثلا مما يجعلهم يقللون من شأن الاذي الذي يتعرض له البعض من الاشخاص النرجسيين ومن الصعب تلخيص وتقديم تصرفات وإساءات وملامح هذه الشخصية في مراجعة لذا سأستعيض عن هذا المسمى بكلمة أخرى وهي انه شخص مؤذي ،مُدمر للآخرين عن إصرار وترصد بإختصار هو شخص يحيا حياته من أجل تعويض النقص بداخله من خلال التقليل من شأن الآخرين وبالمناسبة ليس بالضرورة ان يظهر في شكل الشخص الواثق من نفسه بل قد يظهر كثيرا في هيئة الضحية الضعيفة . يمكننا وصفه بأنه مصاص دماء لكنه لا يتغذي على الدم لكن على مشاعر الآخرين وعلى شخصياتهم .
"النرجسيون الضعفاء هم النرجسيون الضحية ، القلقون ، المحرَجون اجتماعياً، المتجهمون ،الغاضبون ،سريعو الانفعال، الحزينون والمستاؤون. غالبا ما يشار إلى هذا النوع على أنه النرجسي ( الخفي ) .
في شخصية النرجسي الهشة ،بدلا من العظمة التي تتجلى عبر ثرثرة جذابة ومدعية حول إنجازه التالي ، تراها تُترجم بعظمة ضحية"
دعنا من الحديث عن الشخص النرجسي فهذا الكتاب وهذه المراجعة ليست عنهم بل هي عن الأشخاص الذين تعاملوا او لازالوا يتعاملون مع اشخاص مؤذيين ، قد يكون هذا الشخص في نطاق عائلتك أو علاقاتك الشخصية والعاطفية او علاقاتك العملية .
" في معرض تركيزنا على الأسباب التي تحمل الشخص الذي يتميز بالسمات النرجسية على قيامه بأفعاله، تجاهلنا ما يحل بالشخص الذي يقع في غرام النرجسي ، او ينجب أولاداً منه ، أو يتلقي التربية على يديه ، او يكون قريباً له ، او يعمل معه او لديه، او ينفصل عنه ، أويتشارك الشقة معه ، او يصبح صديقاً له ، أو يربي نرجسيين . ما الذي يجري له ؟
الجواب المقتضب : الوضع ليس على أفضل ما يُرام أبداً."
من تعامل أو نشأ تحت رعاية هذه الشخصيات يعانون من الكثير ويضاف على مايعانوه من هذه الشخصيات معاناتهم من الآخرين الذين يقللون من معاناتهم أو يتهموهم بالكذب مثلا لمجرد انهم لايرون هذا الجانب من هذا الشخص فغالبا هذه الشخصيات تكون لديهم القدرة على الظهور بمظهر ساحر ومتعاطف ومثالي وناجح فطرق ايذائهم لا تكون مع الجميع بل تظهر مع أشخاص محددين في حياتهم ليكون من السهل تكذيب من يحاولون إظهار حقيقتهم ، فمن يرون الجانب المؤذي منهم يتم تكميمهم وتكذيبهم والتقليل مما يقولون حتى يشكون في انفسهم وفي حقيقة مشاعرهم ورؤيتهم للأمور وهذا جزء مما يفعله هذا الشخص المؤذي .
حسنا، الى من تعاملوا مع هذه الشخصيات ، لا يهم رأى الاخرين ، لا يهم ما يرونه، ثقوا بما رأيتوه وتعرفوه ، لا يهم ان نثبت للآخرين ان هذا الشخص سئ ومؤذي فلنهتم بأنفسنا وهذا الكتاب لكم لتهتموا بأنفسكم وتستعيدوا كتابة قصة حياتكم ..
الكتاب يبدأ بالتعريف بالشخصيات النرجسية وسماتهم وانواعهم ثم يتحدث إلى من تعاملوا مع هذه الشخصيات ويرغبون في استعادة حياتهم وكيفية القيام بذلك.
"يدور التعافي حول تجريد نفسك من قصة النرجسي. كما يتناول تحرير نفسك من النصوص والعار الذي اوقعه الشخص النرجسي عليك. يتعلق الأمر بخلق هوية لك منفصلة عن الإساءة النرجسية التي عانيتها. إنه يتعلق بفهم ما حصل لك ، والشعور به ، والحزن عليه. وتالياً يتعلق بإحساسك بالتعاطف مع كل الاجزاء المتضررة من ذاتك: الجزء الذي يشعر بأنه غير كاف، والجزء الذي يشعر بأنه متضرر، والجزء الذي يشعر بأنه لا يستحق الحب، والجزء الذي يشعر وكأنه مادة استغلال وسوء معاملة. تلك هي الأجزاء التي تشكلك ، لذلك لا تقم بصد أى منها، بل احتضنها كلها وأحببها. "
أسلوب الكتاب سلس جدا وسهل ، الكاتبة مرت بالفعل بشخصيات نرجسية في حياتها لذا فهي تعلم جيدا ما تمر به هذه الشخصيات سواء كان الشخص النرجسي أب او ام ، أخ او اخت ، صديق/ة ، حبيب/ة ، زوج/ة ، ابن/ة ، مدير/ة ، زميل/ة عمل.
"وقعت الإساءة النرجسية في أشكال كثيرة وعلاقات عديدة في حياتي، وهو ما جعلني أعتقد أن المشكلة في أنا لا محالة ، إذ لا يمكن أن يكون الخطأ في كل تلك الحالات الأخرى في حياتي .."
لمن تعامل مع اى من هذه الشخصيات هذا الكتاب لكم ليتحدث عن تجربتكم ويساعدكم للخروج من هذه التجربة .
الكتاب ده للى عايز يعرف يعنى ايه نرجسية وايه هي الاساءة النرجسية ومما يعانى من يتعامل مع هذه الشخصيات ويكون ضحية لها وكيف يتعافي من عانى من الإساءة النرجسية من تأثير هذه الشخصيات سواء كان مُجبر على الاستمرار في هذه العلاقة و التعامل معها أو إذا قرر الخروج منها .
نصيحة شخصية: حتى لو متعاملتش مع الشخصية دى وربنا نجاك من أذيتها ، اقرأ وأتعلم عنها عشان تحمي نفسك منهم .
من النقط اللى لفتت انتباهي في قصص الشخصيات اللى كانت بتتكلم عنها كانت عن الشخصيات اللى نشأت في أسرة الأب او الأم كانوا نرجسيين ، الشخصيات دى غالبا مش بس بتعاني في طفولتها من الإساءة النرجسية الا انها غالبا بتقع في علاقات تانية نرجسية طول حياتها لأن مفهومهم عن العلاقات الصحية والحب بيكون مشوه من طفولتهم وده بيخليهم يتقبلوا تصرفات مؤذية كتير لأنهم اتعودوا من طفولتهم على التصرفات والأذية دى فبقت بالنسبالهم نمط طبيعي .
" إذا نشأت مع والد نرجسي، فالإلغاء شأن مألوف بالنسبة إليك، فأنت لم تعش فترات لا يُلاحظ فيها وجودك فحسب، بل عندما كان يُلاحظ وجودك، غالباً ما كنت تتعرض للتحقير والازدراء أو الإقصاء جانباً. لذلك قد تشعر مع مرور الوقت بأمان أكثر إذا لم يُلاحظ وجودك .
أما التقليل فهو أن يقلل النرجسي من تجربتك إلى حد إنكارها بشكل كامل غالباً ما تستلزم الإساءة النرجسية التقليل من مشاعرك .. ومن إنجازاتك"
حين رأيت هذا الكتاب تحمست كثيرا لقرائته رغم انى اعتقد انى حاليا تخلصت من هذه الشخصيات من حياتي حيث اكتشفت انه كان لي نصيبي الكبير من هذه الشخصيات في حياتي و لسنوات لم أكن اعرف ، لم تكن لدي المعرفة عن الإساءة النرجسية وتأثيرها لذا فأنا أنصحكم بالتعرف على طبيعة هذه الشخصيات وطريقة تلاعبهم النفسي وتأثيرها .
"بالنسبة إلى كثيرين منكم ، فإن اللحظة التي سمعتم فيها مصطلح ( الإساءة النرجسية )كانت المرة الأولى التي يُطلق فيها على الألم الذي تعانونه اسماً.ليس الأمر عبارة عن مجرد قلب مكسور، إذ إنه بالنسبة إلى الكثيرين روح محطمة بدأت في مرحلة الطفولة أو سلسلة من العلاقات التي رسمت شخصيتك، وجرحتك، وغيرتك، وسلبتك واقعك وإحساسك بذاتك."
بالمصادفة بعد ما خلصت الكتاب اكتشفت انى اعرف الكاتبة وعرفت حاجات بالفعل عن طريقها وانى متابعاها على الانستجرام وشفتها على اليوتيوب كمان بس انا مركزتش و مكنتش اعرف اسمها ايه اصلا 😄
وأعتقد انى ممكن احتاج اقرأ الكتاب ده تانى بتركيز أكبر .
ترددت في تقييم الكتاب ما بين أربع وخمس نجوم . انا اصلا بقيت بحس بصعوبة انى اقيم كتاب بخمس نجوم 😂 بقت حاجة غريبة جدا بالنسبالى 😂 بس انا في تقييماتي قبل كده لما كان كتاب بيلمسني بشكل شخصي كنت بضيف النجمة الخامسة وهنا هعمل كده برضه 😄. ده غير ان الكتاب فعلا مهم ويستحق القراءة وتسليط الضو�� عليه.
أهم حاجة دلوقتي أن المشكلة مطلعتش فيا 😂💃🎉🎉
١٣ / ٢ / ٢٠٢٥
هيرمان هيسه."
الغالبية العظمى لا تعرف معني النرجسية ، يظنون اننا نتحدث عن شخص مغرور وواثق بنفسه مثلا مما يجعلهم يقللون من شأن الاذي الذي يتعرض له البعض من الاشخاص النرجسيين ومن الصعب تلخيص وتقديم تصرفات وإساءات وملامح هذه الشخصية في مراجعة لذا سأستعيض عن هذا المسمى بكلمة أخرى وهي انه شخص مؤذي ،مُدمر للآخرين عن إصرار وترصد بإختصار هو شخص يحيا حياته من أجل تعويض النقص بداخله من خلال التقليل من شأن الآخرين وبالمناسبة ليس بالضرورة ان يظهر في شكل الشخص الواثق من نفسه بل قد يظهر كثيرا في هيئة الضحية الضعيفة . يمكننا وصفه بأنه مصاص دماء لكنه لا يتغذي على الدم لكن على مشاعر الآخرين وعلى شخصياتهم .
"النرجسيون الضعفاء هم النرجسيون الضحية ، القلقون ، المحرَجون اجتماعياً، المتجهمون ،الغاضبون ،سريعو الانفعال، الحزينون والمستاؤون. غالبا ما يشار إلى هذا النوع على أنه النرجسي ( الخفي ) .
في شخصية النرجسي الهشة ،بدلا من العظمة التي تتجلى عبر ثرثرة جذابة ومدعية حول إنجازه التالي ، تراها تُترجم بعظمة ضحية"
دعنا من الحديث عن الشخص النرجسي فهذا الكتاب وهذه المراجعة ليست عنهم بل هي عن الأشخاص الذين تعاملوا او لازالوا يتعاملون مع اشخاص مؤذيين ، قد يكون هذا الشخص في نطاق عائلتك أو علاقاتك الشخصية والعاطفية او علاقاتك العملية .
" في معرض تركيزنا على الأسباب التي تحمل الشخص الذي يتميز بالسمات النرجسية على قيامه بأفعاله، تجاهلنا ما يحل بالشخص الذي يقع في غرام النرجسي ، او ينجب أولاداً منه ، أو يتلقي التربية على يديه ، او يكون قريباً له ، او يعمل معه او لديه، او ينفصل عنه ، أويتشارك الشقة معه ، او يصبح صديقاً له ، أو يربي نرجسيين . ما الذي يجري له ؟
الجواب المقتضب : الوضع ليس على أفضل ما يُرام أبداً."
من تعامل أو نشأ تحت رعاية هذه الشخصيات يعانون من الكثير ويضاف على مايعانوه من هذه الشخصيات معاناتهم من الآخرين الذين يقللون من معاناتهم أو يتهموهم بالكذب مثلا لمجرد انهم لايرون هذا الجانب من هذا الشخص فغالبا هذه الشخصيات تكون لديهم القدرة على الظهور بمظهر ساحر ومتعاطف ومثالي وناجح فطرق ايذائهم لا تكون مع الجميع بل تظهر مع أشخاص محددين في حياتهم ليكون من السهل تكذيب من يحاولون إظهار حقيقتهم ، فمن يرون الجانب المؤذي منهم يتم تكميمهم وتكذيبهم والتقليل مما يقولون حتى يشكون في انفسهم وفي حقيقة مشاعرهم ورؤيتهم للأمور وهذا جزء مما يفعله هذا الشخص المؤذي .
حسنا، الى من تعاملوا مع هذه الشخصيات ، لا يهم رأى الاخرين ، لا يهم ما يرونه، ثقوا بما رأيتوه وتعرفوه ، لا يهم ان نثبت للآخرين ان هذا الشخص سئ ومؤذي فلنهتم بأنفسنا وهذا الكتاب لكم لتهتموا بأنفسكم وتستعيدوا كتابة قصة حياتكم ..
الكتاب يبدأ بالتعريف بالشخصيات النرجسية وسماتهم وانواعهم ثم يتحدث إلى من تعاملوا مع هذه الشخصيات ويرغبون في استعادة حياتهم وكيفية القيام بذلك.
"يدور التعافي حول تجريد نفسك من قصة النرجسي. كما يتناول تحرير نفسك من النصوص والعار الذي اوقعه الشخص النرجسي عليك. يتعلق الأمر بخلق هوية لك منفصلة عن الإساءة النرجسية التي عانيتها. إنه يتعلق بفهم ما حصل لك ، والشعور به ، والحزن عليه. وتالياً يتعلق بإحساسك بالتعاطف مع كل الاجزاء المتضررة من ذاتك: الجزء الذي يشعر بأنه غير كاف، والجزء الذي يشعر بأنه متضرر، والجزء الذي يشعر بأنه لا يستحق الحب، والجزء الذي يشعر وكأنه مادة استغلال وسوء معاملة. تلك هي الأجزاء التي تشكلك ، لذلك لا تقم بصد أى منها، بل احتضنها كلها وأحببها. "
أسلوب الكتاب سلس جدا وسهل ، الكاتبة مرت بالفعل بشخصيات نرجسية في حياتها لذا فهي تعلم جيدا ما تمر به هذه الشخصيات سواء كان الشخص النرجسي أب او ام ، أخ او اخت ، صديق/ة ، حبيب/ة ، زوج/ة ، ابن/ة ، مدير/ة ، زميل/ة عمل.
"وقعت الإساءة النرجسية في أشكال كثيرة وعلاقات عديدة في حياتي، وهو ما جعلني أعتقد أن المشكلة في أنا لا محالة ، إذ لا يمكن أن يكون الخطأ في كل تلك الحالات الأخرى في حياتي .."
لمن تعامل مع اى من هذه الشخصيات هذا الكتاب لكم ليتحدث عن تجربتكم ويساعدكم للخروج من هذه التجربة .
الكتاب ده للى عايز يعرف يعنى ايه نرجسية وايه هي الاساءة النرجسية ومما يعانى من يتعامل مع هذه الشخصيات ويكون ضحية لها وكيف يتعافي من عانى من الإساءة النرجسية من تأثير هذه الشخصيات سواء كان مُجبر على الاستمرار في هذه العلاقة و التعامل معها أو إذا قرر الخروج منها .
نصيحة شخصية: حتى لو متعاملتش مع الشخصية دى وربنا نجاك من أذيتها ، اقرأ وأتعلم عنها عشان تحمي نفسك منهم .
من النقط اللى لفتت انتباهي في قصص الشخصيات اللى كانت بتتكلم عنها كانت عن الشخصيات اللى نشأت في أسرة الأب او الأم كانوا نرجسيين ، الشخصيات دى غالبا مش بس بتعاني في طفولتها من الإساءة النرجسية الا انها غالبا بتقع في علاقات تانية نرجسية طول حياتها لأن مفهومهم عن العلاقات الصحية والحب بيكون مشوه من طفولتهم وده بيخليهم يتقبلوا تصرفات مؤذية كتير لأنهم اتعودوا من طفولتهم على التصرفات والأذية دى فبقت بالنسبالهم نمط طبيعي .
" إذا نشأت مع والد نرجسي، فالإلغاء شأن مألوف بالنسبة إليك، فأنت لم تعش فترات لا يُلاحظ فيها وجودك فحسب، بل عندما كان يُلاحظ وجودك، غالباً ما كنت تتعرض للتحقير والازدراء أو الإقصاء جانباً. لذلك قد تشعر مع مرور الوقت بأمان أكثر إذا لم يُلاحظ وجودك .
أما التقليل فهو أن يقلل النرجسي من تجربتك إلى حد إنكارها بشكل كامل غالباً ما تستلزم الإساءة النرجسية التقليل من مشاعرك .. ومن إنجازاتك"
حين رأيت هذا الكتاب تحمست كثيرا لقرائته رغم انى اعتقد انى حاليا تخلصت من هذه الشخصيات من حياتي حيث اكتشفت انه كان لي نصيبي الكبير من هذه الشخصيات في حياتي و لسنوات لم أكن اعرف ، لم تكن لدي المعرفة عن الإساءة النرجسية وتأثيرها لذا فأنا أنصحكم بالتعرف على طبيعة هذه الشخصيات وطريقة تلاعبهم النفسي وتأثيرها .
"بالنسبة إلى كثيرين منكم ، فإن اللحظة التي سمعتم فيها مصطلح ( الإساءة النرجسية )كانت المرة الأولى التي يُطلق فيها على الألم الذي تعانونه اسماً.ليس الأمر عبارة عن مجرد قلب مكسور، إذ إنه بالنسبة إلى الكثيرين روح محطمة بدأت في مرحلة الطفولة أو سلسلة من العلاقات التي رسمت شخصيتك، وجرحتك، وغيرتك، وسلبتك واقعك وإحساسك بذاتك."
بالمصادفة بعد ما خلصت الكتاب اكتشفت انى اعرف الكاتبة وعرفت حاجات بالفعل عن طريقها وانى متابعاها على الانستجرام وشفتها على اليوتيوب كمان بس انا مركزتش و مكنتش اعرف اسمها ايه اصلا 😄
وأعتقد انى ممكن احتاج اقرأ الكتاب ده تانى بتركيز أكبر .
ترددت في تقييم الكتاب ما بين أربع وخمس نجوم . انا اصلا بقيت بحس بصعوبة انى اقيم كتاب بخمس نجوم 😂 بقت حاجة غريبة جدا بالنسبالى 😂 بس انا في تقييماتي قبل كده لما كان كتاب بيلمسني بشكل شخصي كنت بضيف النجمة الخامسة وهنا هعمل كده برضه 😄. ده غير ان الكتاب فعلا مهم ويستحق القراءة وتسليط الضو�� عليه.
أهم حاجة دلوقتي أن المشكلة مطلعتش فيا 😂💃🎉🎉
١٣ / ٢ / ٢٠٢٥
March 14, 2024
This book is important for anyone who’s been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Rather than focusing on defining and understanding the narcissist, this book focuses on the survivor and sets out steps for healing. She says, “Identifying a narcissistic person is far less important than understanding what qualifies as unacceptable behavior and what it does to you.” That's meaningful for me, especially as I always feel hesitant about labeling my narcissist.
I especially appreciate Dr. Ramani’s attention to those who choose to *stay* with their narcissists — a very practical understanding that physical escape is not a good option for everyone.
“The true act of rebellion is to live a life that is not a response to them but a life as an authentic person with wants, needs, aspirations, mistakes, strengths, vulnerabilities, hopes, and feelings that are completely yours.”
I have my homework cut out for me.
I especially appreciate Dr. Ramani’s attention to those who choose to *stay* with their narcissists — a very practical understanding that physical escape is not a good option for everyone.
“The true act of rebellion is to live a life that is not a response to them but a life as an authentic person with wants, needs, aspirations, mistakes, strengths, vulnerabilities, hopes, and feelings that are completely yours.”
I have my homework cut out for me.
January 2, 2026
Starting the year with a banger. It took me quite some time to finish this one since I was going back and forth from facing uncomfortable truths and I am planning on making a huge post on Substack about this book if you’d like a deeper/more personal review you can find me there as “The Reading Nook” or @itsalwaysteatime.
I purchased this novel after watching the author on a podcast episode and I was coincidentally being forced to coexist with a narcissist in my work environment. It gets really tricky when you are not 100% capable of leaving/removing yourself from the situation and this was the first author I have seen tackle narcissism from the perspective of the survivor and not just showing fascination for the narcissist and why they are the way they are. But by showing real healing tactics for those who chose and are able to leave and those who have no choice but to stay like with a parent or a sibling.
I highlighted so many passages in this book that my highlighter went dry. I love the way this author/doctor speaks about this subject, some parts were slightly repetitive but I think narcissistic abuse survivors need the repetition.
As of this month I have been able to remove myself from the orbit of this raging narcissist and I finally decided to finish the final half of the novel that tackles how the healing journey looks like once you finally leave the environment this person created who gave you real life heart palpitations, health related issues from stress and just an overall toxic experience. And we forget how many people go through similar things. Part of the healing journey here is to “speak up in case someone else is going through the same things” because experiencing trauma alone can be very isolating and that’s exactly what I tend to do with my Substack post tomorrow.
Awesome read
April 22, 2024
Must have read of 2024!!!!
Amazing!!! Thank you so much Dr Ramani for this book. Finally someone has explained in depth what many can not. I feel seen, heard and understood. On the road to healing.
Amazing!!! Thank you so much Dr Ramani for this book. Finally someone has explained in depth what many can not. I feel seen, heard and understood. On the road to healing.
March 13, 2024
Everyone who has lived should read this book.
Doubly so, if there was/is a narcissist in your family of origin.
Triple, if you married or work for a narcissist.
This book covers what is, and what is not narcissistic behavior (or syndrome). This is some of the most important work you can do. I would say I wish I had found Dr. Ramani a decade ago, but when the student is ready the teacher will appear.
Doubly so, if there was/is a narcissist in your family of origin.
Triple, if you married or work for a narcissist.
This book covers what is, and what is not narcissistic behavior (or syndrome). This is some of the most important work you can do. I would say I wish I had found Dr. Ramani a decade ago, but when the student is ready the teacher will appear.
April 24, 2024
It was a good book for an intro into narcissism, however there is a lot of repetition if you have been down the road of recovery for a while. I was hoping that this would be heavier on the healing aspects and tools but there is really only a small amount of useful information towards the end of the book and it’s missing depth and detail. Perhaps the title is misleading.
February 9, 2024
I think a lot of people will pick up this book thinking they are dealing with a narcissist and perhaps realize a few pages in that they're not. That's a good thing. Even so, I found the author's compassionate voice and focus on the victims, rather than the narcissists themselves, to be a useful perspective. While this is not a book that will solve anyone's problems, maybe it will help someone feel seen and heard, and that's another good thing.
February 24, 2025
This was a wonderfully explained and compassionate guide to recognizing and letting go of toxic relationships of all sorts. The author really thinks of every aspect she can in order to let the information sink in and click with the listener/reader. We live in such a toxic world surrounded by things that contribute to creating toxic personalities, such as social media, unresolved childhood traumas, and substance abuse, just to name a few obvious devils. It's important to look at ourselves critically to make sure we are in a healthy place mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and once we have that inner strength, we are better prepared to ward off those who are not at our same healed level.
April 10, 2024
I am not sure I've ever read a self-help book I found so very helpful. If you are healing from a toxic relationship — romantic, familial, work or friendship — this is for you.
If you are dealing with or recovering from invalidating, antagonistic gaslighters who make you feel like everything is your fault, it’s a toxic relationship and narcissistic abuse is a helpful shorthand, regardless of any formal diagnosis. The book is also focused on moderate narcissism, not the kind of behavior that everyone, everywhere would identify as unhealthy 100% of the time.
I deeply appreciated that she centered the survivor and focused on hope and healing, though there was enough information to understand narcissists a little better, it wasn't really about them. I also appreciated that she didn't prescribe that everyone needed to go no-contact or end every unhealthy relationship and offered ways to find healing if you cannot or chose not to leave the relationship.
I was listening to it on audible and before I got to the halfway point, had already ordered a physical copy because I knew I'd be referencing it for months and years to come in my own healing journey. It would also be helpful for clinicians and friends of people recovering from narcissistic abuse. If I could buy a case and hand them out, I would.
If you are dealing with or recovering from invalidating, antagonistic gaslighters who make you feel like everything is your fault, it’s a toxic relationship and narcissistic abuse is a helpful shorthand, regardless of any formal diagnosis. The book is also focused on moderate narcissism, not the kind of behavior that everyone, everywhere would identify as unhealthy 100% of the time.
I deeply appreciated that she centered the survivor and focused on hope and healing, though there was enough information to understand narcissists a little better, it wasn't really about them. I also appreciated that she didn't prescribe that everyone needed to go no-contact or end every unhealthy relationship and offered ways to find healing if you cannot or chose not to leave the relationship.
I was listening to it on audible and before I got to the halfway point, had already ordered a physical copy because I knew I'd be referencing it for months and years to come in my own healing journey. It would also be helpful for clinicians and friends of people recovering from narcissistic abuse. If I could buy a case and hand them out, I would.
December 12, 2024
This one lends itself too easily to being taken out of context and flung all over social media, destroying relationships while people accuse anyone who hurts their feelings of narcissistic abuse. I found it irresponsible in its oversimplification.
The author is a psychologist and therapist. This book is supposed to focus on the victims of narcissistic abuse and how to heal from it. I understand the goal was not to focus on what narcissism is or *why* narcissists are, but understandably and necessarily the author spends some time early on defining narcissism. I just didn’t think she did it clearly. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and we’re all on it. That doesn’t make us all clinical narcissists and abusers. However, reader, you are the victim, and anyone who hurts you is a narcissist. Durvasula briefly mentioned once a litmus test she used to determine if someone is having an off day versus actually being a narcissist, but I thought it was too easy to miss or forget. Her going assumption is that you are a victim and anyone who made you feel hurt enough to read the book was a narcissist. I’m afraid that this attitude will cause a lot of mislabeling and irreparable damage to relationships.
Because… you need to cut off narcissists. Durvasula gives lip service to the idea that therapists shouldn’t be judgmental, but this book was full of her opinions of right and wrong. There is a clear idea throughout that narcissists are irredeemable and must be cut off. Even though she also understands that it’s not always possible, she really thinks you should divorce that spouse, or cut off that parent. I took away the message that if I don’t do that, the therapist author is judging me because I’m doing it wrong.
She also comes across as anti-religion, railing on forgiveness and false hope of life change. In my opinion, she didn’t seem to understand the subject enough to voice these opinions because the concepts she did espouse were surprisingly close to what she’s claiming to be against. Forgiveness is a choice to let go of a claim of debt, allowing one to stop waiting for an apology that won’t come and instead to move on toward healing. It does not mean pretending nothing happened and staying in an abusive situation. Despite being so anti-religion, I found the book riddled with new age (religion) influenced language.
I didn’t find any practical advice until 225 pages into the book. In the final third, Durvasula did give some realistic advice that could help deal with anxiety attacks and help readers reteach themselves healthy thought patterns. I thought about giving a second star for the helpfulness in latter chapters, but in truth, I hate read this book. I found it repetitive and wordy. Why use 10 words to make a clear point when you can use 45 instead?
The author is a psychologist and therapist. This book is supposed to focus on the victims of narcissistic abuse and how to heal from it. I understand the goal was not to focus on what narcissism is or *why* narcissists are, but understandably and necessarily the author spends some time early on defining narcissism. I just didn’t think she did it clearly. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and we’re all on it. That doesn’t make us all clinical narcissists and abusers. However, reader, you are the victim, and anyone who hurts you is a narcissist. Durvasula briefly mentioned once a litmus test she used to determine if someone is having an off day versus actually being a narcissist, but I thought it was too easy to miss or forget. Her going assumption is that you are a victim and anyone who made you feel hurt enough to read the book was a narcissist. I’m afraid that this attitude will cause a lot of mislabeling and irreparable damage to relationships.
Because… you need to cut off narcissists. Durvasula gives lip service to the idea that therapists shouldn’t be judgmental, but this book was full of her opinions of right and wrong. There is a clear idea throughout that narcissists are irredeemable and must be cut off. Even though she also understands that it’s not always possible, she really thinks you should divorce that spouse, or cut off that parent. I took away the message that if I don’t do that, the therapist author is judging me because I’m doing it wrong.
She also comes across as anti-religion, railing on forgiveness and false hope of life change. In my opinion, she didn’t seem to understand the subject enough to voice these opinions because the concepts she did espouse were surprisingly close to what she’s claiming to be against. Forgiveness is a choice to let go of a claim of debt, allowing one to stop waiting for an apology that won’t come and instead to move on toward healing. It does not mean pretending nothing happened and staying in an abusive situation. Despite being so anti-religion, I found the book riddled with new age (religion) influenced language.
I didn’t find any practical advice until 225 pages into the book. In the final third, Durvasula did give some realistic advice that could help deal with anxiety attacks and help readers reteach themselves healthy thought patterns. I thought about giving a second star for the helpfulness in latter chapters, but in truth, I hate read this book. I found it repetitive and wordy. Why use 10 words to make a clear point when you can use 45 instead?
March 11, 2024
A very good book that explains in details what narcissistic personality and abuse may look like in someone’s life, how it may affect the person abused, and gives good many advices on how to heal if one was abused by a narcissist or still is.
To the survivors I may add it’s maybe better to read something like this when you already in therapy or have some solid emotional support. What you will read here will raise the demons of experiencing past trauma, most likely.
Going into therapy is one of the things author emphasizes repeatedly for a very good reason. Off course, not everyone can do that, or afford it, there is no advice on what to do with that. Some links of different helplines offered in the end.
To the survivors I may add it’s maybe better to read something like this when you already in therapy or have some solid emotional support. What you will read here will raise the demons of experiencing past trauma, most likely.
Going into therapy is one of the things author emphasizes repeatedly for a very good reason. Off course, not everyone can do that, or afford it, there is no advice on what to do with that. Some links of different helplines offered in the end.
July 18, 2024
Once again, I sidestep actual therapy for myself by reading a psychology book about therapy. And in this case, I'm willing to bet this book is equivalent to a few months of therapy. And much cheaper! (Being cost-effective about my mental health makes me feel really Dutch btw.)
This book is so good, it makes the whole wellness industry look like a scam. If you're experiencing emotional abuse, pricey meditation retreats won't solve anything; they'll only make you feel inept that you can't find peace when in fact, the abuse is the problem. Durvasula understands that and provides lots of clarity and compassionate advice, starting with the title, "It's not you."
I learned so much from this book. Emotional abuse has always felt like murky territory to me, since I dislike tagging people with the "abuser" label and therefore tend to justify or minimize abusive behavior instead of recognizing it and validating the pain it causes. Durvasula is a beacon of light in that murkiness. She specifies exactly what emotional abuse looks and feels like, as well as the best strategies for dealing with it based on years of research and experience as a therapist.
Although this book focuses on narcissistic abuse (something I knew little of beforehand and was grateful to learn about), I would recommend it to anyone who's empathetic, forgiving, apologetic, or otherwise prone to self-blame. Reading about emotional abuse and manipulation can help you recognize unacceptable behavior, draw boundaries, and step back from bad situations, saving your emotional energy for people who won't take it for granted.
Admittedly, reading this book has made me more cynical. (I didn't think that was possible, but lo and behold...) However, as Durvasula points out, cynicism can be a good thing if it makes you more discerning and protects your joy and peace. It's especially essential for survivors clinging to the hope that a narcissist will change when typically they don't.
That fatalistic perspective is necessary for breaking a cycle of abuse, but it might be discouraging for people with personality disorders who genuinely want to heal and change. Those people should stick with therapy and perhaps the NPD subreddit, as this book will punt them off a cliff metaphorically-speaking.
But for survivors of emotional abuse, or anyone who wants to better understand the dynamics of emotional abuse - yes, read this book. It'll not only help you heal from past abuse, but also give you clear guidelines for avoiding abusive situations in the future and mastering your Mona Lisa smile for the situations you can't avoid.
This book is so good, it makes the whole wellness industry look like a scam. If you're experiencing emotional abuse, pricey meditation retreats won't solve anything; they'll only make you feel inept that you can't find peace when in fact, the abuse is the problem. Durvasula understands that and provides lots of clarity and compassionate advice, starting with the title, "It's not you."
I learned so much from this book. Emotional abuse has always felt like murky territory to me, since I dislike tagging people with the "abuser" label and therefore tend to justify or minimize abusive behavior instead of recognizing it and validating the pain it causes. Durvasula is a beacon of light in that murkiness. She specifies exactly what emotional abuse looks and feels like, as well as the best strategies for dealing with it based on years of research and experience as a therapist.
Although this book focuses on narcissistic abuse (something I knew little of beforehand and was grateful to learn about), I would recommend it to anyone who's empathetic, forgiving, apologetic, or otherwise prone to self-blame. Reading about emotional abuse and manipulation can help you recognize unacceptable behavior, draw boundaries, and step back from bad situations, saving your emotional energy for people who won't take it for granted.
Admittedly, reading this book has made me more cynical. (I didn't think that was possible, but lo and behold...) However, as Durvasula points out, cynicism can be a good thing if it makes you more discerning and protects your joy and peace. It's especially essential for survivors clinging to the hope that a narcissist will change when typically they don't.
That fatalistic perspective is necessary for breaking a cycle of abuse, but it might be discouraging for people with personality disorders who genuinely want to heal and change. Those people should stick with therapy and perhaps the NPD subreddit, as this book will punt them off a cliff metaphorically-speaking.
But for survivors of emotional abuse, or anyone who wants to better understand the dynamics of emotional abuse - yes, read this book. It'll not only help you heal from past abuse, but also give you clear guidelines for avoiding abusive situations in the future and mastering your Mona Lisa smile for the situations you can't avoid.
April 2, 2024
I wish this book had been written a decade ago! I really could have used it then (especially the healing chapters), but even so it was an incredibly validating read for me. It was eerie how many of the examples and explanations fit my family of origin dynamic with near precision. Narcissists are narcissists and their patterns are predictable.
This is a must read for anyone dealing with narcissistic people. There is so much good information as well as real solid and actionable tools to help a person heal and learn how to deal with these difficult people. It should be handed out in every therapist’s office.
I’d love a follow up book that dives a little deeper into the narcissistic family system and healing from being a part of one, which I think is a horse of a slightly different color than other narcissistic relationships.
This is a must read for anyone dealing with narcissistic people. There is so much good information as well as real solid and actionable tools to help a person heal and learn how to deal with these difficult people. It should be handed out in every therapist’s office.
I’d love a follow up book that dives a little deeper into the narcissistic family system and healing from being a part of one, which I think is a horse of a slightly different color than other narcissistic relationships.
February 22, 2024
Ya got to know to understand
Finally a relatable book which has enabled me to understand the depth and extent of people's tactics for whom I only new as " A*hole, in my bucket dear Liza " when really ... THEY are a Narcissist.
'It's Not You' has given me some sanity knowing what I am going through is real and there are others who have suffered from this wicked game of emotional checkers.
The strategies and tools in this book allows me a fighting chance to identify and deal with what is happening and to manage the mental load.
Dr Ramani's experiences and that of her client's are a gift... Knowledge, and knowledge is power.
I wish my mum could have read this.
Finally a relatable book which has enabled me to understand the depth and extent of people's tactics for whom I only new as " A*hole, in my bucket dear Liza " when really ... THEY are a Narcissist.
'It's Not You' has given me some sanity knowing what I am going through is real and there are others who have suffered from this wicked game of emotional checkers.
The strategies and tools in this book allows me a fighting chance to identify and deal with what is happening and to manage the mental load.
Dr Ramani's experiences and that of her client's are a gift... Knowledge, and knowledge is power.
I wish my mum could have read this.
April 20, 2025
I was keen to read this book on a professional level. I work with many clients who are dealing with narcissistic people in their lives. This book was written with the focus on the victims of narcissists and how to deal with them, which was exactly what I was looking for.
The book was organized very well, and the skills and explanations were easy to follow. I came away with a strong understanding of the options one has in their narcissistic relationships, whether they decide to stay or leave.
I can see myself recommending this book to my clients and friends who are struggling with this situation. The audiobook was well narrated in a concise and professional manner.
The book was organized very well, and the skills and explanations were easy to follow. I came away with a strong understanding of the options one has in their narcissistic relationships, whether they decide to stay or leave.
I can see myself recommending this book to my clients and friends who are struggling with this situation. The audiobook was well narrated in a concise and professional manner.
May 22, 2024
This book literally saved my life.
August 12, 2024
I’m sure it’s sincere and well meaning but for me reading this feels like torture - it’s oversimplifying and overcomplicating things in a way that hurts my brain and i just can’t.
February 27, 2024
Wow! I read this book and there was some pain but also growth from it. Then to see how many people have gone through the exact same thing I have and some for a life time as well. However since I started reading this it made me feel a bit better each day. Thank you Dr Ramani for writing this book.
May 10, 2024
Follow my IG @readsuin for the book review ❤️
April 25, 2024
I know a lot about narcissism and have to constantly be aware of it to survive. I'm a magnet for it. I am a fixer/rescuer, deeply empathetic, wounded with poor boundaries. I didn't think this book would teach me anything new, but figured it would reinforce what I already knew. However, the level of validation I received from this has actually aided in my healing. I do honestly feel less crazy, and I don't feel like I blame myself quite as much. Dr. Ramani knows her work is important but it really is life-saving. I haven't felt this much clarity for months. I recommend this book to anyone but I specifically think it's helpful for someone like me that has had a lot different experiences with narcissism over the years in many facets. There is usually not just one narcissistic person in your life.
You matter and you can heal. I loved reading this and will use it for reference as I navigate this journey to wellness.
You matter and you can heal. I loved reading this and will use it for reference as I navigate this journey to wellness.
July 1, 2024
Wow, this is simply the best resource that I’ve read about narcissistic abuse. The author really knows her stuff. I had to read in chunks and then take a break to process things.
She describes so well the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Things are great as long as you are a source of narcissistic supply. However, once you aren’t, then you become the punching bag. Or the narcissist will drop you because you aren’t feeding his ego and find someone who will. The narcissist sucks the life out of you, always demanding all your attention.
She totally nailed this:
“Narcissistic people do not like being left. They are highly sensitive to rejection so if you leave they may become punitive, vindictive, manipulative and rageful. They also don’t like giving up control.”
Highly recommend this book to anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, whether that’s from a partner, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend, a coworker, or an employer. Very insightful.
She describes so well the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Things are great as long as you are a source of narcissistic supply. However, once you aren’t, then you become the punching bag. Or the narcissist will drop you because you aren’t feeding his ego and find someone who will. The narcissist sucks the life out of you, always demanding all your attention.
She totally nailed this:
“Narcissistic people do not like being left. They are highly sensitive to rejection so if you leave they may become punitive, vindictive, manipulative and rageful. They also don’t like giving up control.”
Highly recommend this book to anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, whether that’s from a partner, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend, a coworker, or an employer. Very insightful.
April 16, 2024
"It's Not You" deserves to break the Goodreads rating mold. This audiobook gets a bonus shooting star! 💫
I have read a plethora of mental health, self-help, spiritual/metaphysical, and narcissistic abuse recovery books, and this one felt like the just-right hug I was waiting for.
It was the hug that said:
"I completely understand. Allow me to remind you of your bravery, strength, and wisdom. Allow me to help you turn down the volume, and even mute, the echos of lies you were told for decades. Allow me to remind you of how far you've come, how wonderful you are and have always been—there is so much joy and beauty ahead. Allow me to completely shine a light on the truth and untangle the final knots of shame anchoring you to unworthiness. Allow me to remind you of all that you already know but simply need to be reminded of."
A standing ovation for Ramani Durvasula! Thank you 👏🏼
I have read a plethora of mental health, self-help, spiritual/metaphysical, and narcissistic abuse recovery books, and this one felt like the just-right hug I was waiting for.
It was the hug that said:
"I completely understand. Allow me to remind you of your bravery, strength, and wisdom. Allow me to help you turn down the volume, and even mute, the echos of lies you were told for decades. Allow me to remind you of how far you've come, how wonderful you are and have always been—there is so much joy and beauty ahead. Allow me to completely shine a light on the truth and untangle the final knots of shame anchoring you to unworthiness. Allow me to remind you of all that you already know but simply need to be reminded of."
A standing ovation for Ramani Durvasula! Thank you 👏🏼
July 5, 2025
This was intense and deeply affirming.
The narrative doesn't get bogged down in weighty terminology while acknowledging the buzz surrounding some terms. This covers narcissistic behaviors vs a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis.
This focuses on victims of narcissistic abuse while defining what narcissism is, how it shows up, how it operates, and what to expect from a person lost to those behaviors.
Then, the narrative turns to protecting oneself, so healing can occur whether one can leave the situation or not. This gives concrete excercises for healing and concrete plans where ever the victim is at in their leaving journey, whether that ends with no contact or staying in the relationship but establishing realistic emotional protections either way.
There's no judgment, plenty of common sense, and validating support for victims of narcissistic rages, manipulation, etc.
The narrative doesn't get bogged down in weighty terminology while acknowledging the buzz surrounding some terms. This covers narcissistic behaviors vs a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis.
This focuses on victims of narcissistic abuse while defining what narcissism is, how it shows up, how it operates, and what to expect from a person lost to those behaviors.
Then, the narrative turns to protecting oneself, so healing can occur whether one can leave the situation or not. This gives concrete excercises for healing and concrete plans where ever the victim is at in their leaving journey, whether that ends with no contact or staying in the relationship but establishing realistic emotional protections either way.
There's no judgment, plenty of common sense, and validating support for victims of narcissistic rages, manipulation, etc.
September 19, 2024
This made me feel so grateful, for a lot of reasons.
Read
March 10, 2025Shoutout to my ex
March 31, 2024
When it comes to certain types of people, knowledge is power. This is a book written by clinical psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula (popularly known as Dr Ramanai) on what it takes to manage a relationship with a narcissist, or to get over its impact if there is enough freedom to remove yourself. This could apply to a relationship with a spouse or partner, a colleague or boss, or a person from your family of origin.
The word 'narcissist' is now so overused that it's in danger of losing its meaning. However, as well as being highly trained and experienced, Dr Ramani is well-known for what are pretty tireless efforts to advocate on behalf of those affected by narcissists, and works to educate people on the nature of these individuals. I've attended a couple of her paid webinars over the last few years, and the patterns she describes are fairly recognizable to those who've experienced them. The horrible thing about these relationships is that it can take a while for the patterns to unfold, so by the time you recognize something is wrong, you can be deeply emotionally involved (or 'trauma bonded'). Another important point to note is that this troubling personality style is not specific to male or female, though the manifestations of abuse may differ between the two.
These are relationships universally characterized by cycles of love bombing and the feelgood factor, followed by cycles of devaluation and discard. They can leave the party who suffers at the hands of the narcissist feeling devastated and emotionally confused, particularly if they are at a stage in life when they are not equipped to recognize the patterns of behaviour for what they are. As Dr Ramani writes: 'The narcissistic person controls the emotional thermostat for the relationship, so if they are having a good run or trying to win you over, you may have weeks or even months of good days. Then, when they don't feel validated or safe, the relationship falls into an abyss of invalidation, anger, manipulation, and gaslighting.' In a relationship with one of these individuals, your reality is not really a matter of concern, except in so far as it props up the needs of the narcissist.
Dr Ramani suggests strategies for those who have no way to remove themselves from such a relationship, and provides various case studies of individuals who find ways to cope and even thrive, despite being unable to escape at a given time. Through her therapy practice, she has helped spouses with young children who can't afford separation at a particular time in their lives find emotional fulfillment outside of their marriages and to manage the scenarios they are in (such as through friendships or other outlets), children to manage relationships with narcissistic parents, and so on. In these incredibly sad situations, she suggests a strategy of radical acceptance of the reality of the relationship.
She notes that people with a narcissistic personality style tend not to benefit from therapeutic intervention, partially because they rarely believe they need therapy and thus, on the rare occasions they will go to a therapist, tend to present as manipulative and difficult to penetrate. She also suggests recovery strategies for those who have the resources to remove themselves from such situations. This healing is incredibly difficult and intense, though if done properly with respect for the time involved, will allow people to recognize future red flags and avoid a sequel in situations where they have a choice.
One aspect of these relationships that is particularly difficult can be the fact that, in many cases, these individuals are thought of as pillars of their communities, workplaces, or extended families, and it is only behind closed doors that their cycles of abuse manifest themselves. This can make it extremely challenging for those who are trying to move beyond the abuse they've endured to receive social support in their quest to recover.
Arguably, this lack of social support is particularly the case with the type of moderate-spectrum narcissists covered in this book, where optics are usually well controlled. These are not relationships where you'll see any injuries or black eyes, but 'thousands of cumulative indignities', which makes efforts on the part of the preyed upon person to draw clear boundaries fairly complicated. The idea that these predators might engage in devastating one-on-one attacks on spouses, colleagues, or those they manage in a workplace seems unthinkable to those who do not have much contact with the person, have no reason to refuse the Kool-Aid, or are happy to fawn unconditionally.
While it's true that sometimes narcissists fall from grace quite dramatically, there is a sense in which our world also has a tendency to celebrate them unthinkingly. They're often quite capable of charming large numbers of people. At base, these are highly insecure people, however, who require a constant supply of fawning admiration to function. Their lives are largely performative (and exhausting, by the sounds of it!). They're not to be envied, but at the same time, can destory lives, careers, and mental equilibrium. I'd wager that some of today's cancel culture is orchestrated by people with this type of personality, which is a form of arrested development. All it takes to fall into one of these relationships and become a target is to be a sincere individual who likes to see and emphasise the good in people.
Dr. Ramani offers an invaluable service to those who've found themselves on the receiving end of abuse from individuals who fall somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism (in the clinical sense of the term). Her materials are always commonsensical, but also informed by many years of research and experience, both of trying to treat those somewhere abnormally high on the narcssistic spectrum and those who've been on the receiving end of their carelessness, breadcrumbing, or outright abuse. It's amazing how educating oneself about this personality style can empower you to move on from life scenarios that once made little sense to you, or that caused endless self-blame. This book is definitely a step in the right direction in providing succor for those who've suffered at the hands of these problematic individuals.
The word 'narcissist' is now so overused that it's in danger of losing its meaning. However, as well as being highly trained and experienced, Dr Ramani is well-known for what are pretty tireless efforts to advocate on behalf of those affected by narcissists, and works to educate people on the nature of these individuals. I've attended a couple of her paid webinars over the last few years, and the patterns she describes are fairly recognizable to those who've experienced them. The horrible thing about these relationships is that it can take a while for the patterns to unfold, so by the time you recognize something is wrong, you can be deeply emotionally involved (or 'trauma bonded'). Another important point to note is that this troubling personality style is not specific to male or female, though the manifestations of abuse may differ between the two.
These are relationships universally characterized by cycles of love bombing and the feelgood factor, followed by cycles of devaluation and discard. They can leave the party who suffers at the hands of the narcissist feeling devastated and emotionally confused, particularly if they are at a stage in life when they are not equipped to recognize the patterns of behaviour for what they are. As Dr Ramani writes: 'The narcissistic person controls the emotional thermostat for the relationship, so if they are having a good run or trying to win you over, you may have weeks or even months of good days. Then, when they don't feel validated or safe, the relationship falls into an abyss of invalidation, anger, manipulation, and gaslighting.' In a relationship with one of these individuals, your reality is not really a matter of concern, except in so far as it props up the needs of the narcissist.
Dr Ramani suggests strategies for those who have no way to remove themselves from such a relationship, and provides various case studies of individuals who find ways to cope and even thrive, despite being unable to escape at a given time. Through her therapy practice, she has helped spouses with young children who can't afford separation at a particular time in their lives find emotional fulfillment outside of their marriages and to manage the scenarios they are in (such as through friendships or other outlets), children to manage relationships with narcissistic parents, and so on. In these incredibly sad situations, she suggests a strategy of radical acceptance of the reality of the relationship.
She notes that people with a narcissistic personality style tend not to benefit from therapeutic intervention, partially because they rarely believe they need therapy and thus, on the rare occasions they will go to a therapist, tend to present as manipulative and difficult to penetrate. She also suggests recovery strategies for those who have the resources to remove themselves from such situations. This healing is incredibly difficult and intense, though if done properly with respect for the time involved, will allow people to recognize future red flags and avoid a sequel in situations where they have a choice.
One aspect of these relationships that is particularly difficult can be the fact that, in many cases, these individuals are thought of as pillars of their communities, workplaces, or extended families, and it is only behind closed doors that their cycles of abuse manifest themselves. This can make it extremely challenging for those who are trying to move beyond the abuse they've endured to receive social support in their quest to recover.
Arguably, this lack of social support is particularly the case with the type of moderate-spectrum narcissists covered in this book, where optics are usually well controlled. These are not relationships where you'll see any injuries or black eyes, but 'thousands of cumulative indignities', which makes efforts on the part of the preyed upon person to draw clear boundaries fairly complicated. The idea that these predators might engage in devastating one-on-one attacks on spouses, colleagues, or those they manage in a workplace seems unthinkable to those who do not have much contact with the person, have no reason to refuse the Kool-Aid, or are happy to fawn unconditionally.
While it's true that sometimes narcissists fall from grace quite dramatically, there is a sense in which our world also has a tendency to celebrate them unthinkingly. They're often quite capable of charming large numbers of people. At base, these are highly insecure people, however, who require a constant supply of fawning admiration to function. Their lives are largely performative (and exhausting, by the sounds of it!). They're not to be envied, but at the same time, can destory lives, careers, and mental equilibrium. I'd wager that some of today's cancel culture is orchestrated by people with this type of personality, which is a form of arrested development. All it takes to fall into one of these relationships and become a target is to be a sincere individual who likes to see and emphasise the good in people.
Dr. Ramani offers an invaluable service to those who've found themselves on the receiving end of abuse from individuals who fall somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism (in the clinical sense of the term). Her materials are always commonsensical, but also informed by many years of research and experience, both of trying to treat those somewhere abnormally high on the narcssistic spectrum and those who've been on the receiving end of their carelessness, breadcrumbing, or outright abuse. It's amazing how educating oneself about this personality style can empower you to move on from life scenarios that once made little sense to you, or that caused endless self-blame. This book is definitely a step in the right direction in providing succor for those who've suffered at the hands of these problematic individuals.
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