They call me a little grown-up / See, I'm upset because I've always been stuck / But I don't know what it is I'm without / Guess I'm in love with always feeling down (This Head I Hold – Electric Guest).
Hm, I think I have time for a story. Once upon a time (like, two years ago maybe?), I would have easily and proudly claimed that the Secrets and Scrabble books are my favorite mystery series! Fun pirate themed town, gay main character, boring dipshit love-interest? Hey, two out of three isn't too bad! For real though, I was in awe of its impeccable writing that goes along nicely with the fun brain teaser-like mysteries, and if nothing else, they're simply made to binge read. I remember I got the first couple of the books in this series as a birthday present a while back and I was hooked from the first page. Seriously, I stayed up all night, eyes glued, reading page after page, and when I was finally able to come up for air, all I wanted to do was read anything and everything Josh Lanyon. And in a rare moment of follow-through, I did just that! I figured I’d start from the beginning with this charming little book called Somebody Killed His Editor. Hey, it’s a popular book with a punchy title and everyone seems to love it, so it should have been an easy win for me, right? Er, unfortunately it wasn't. I really did give it a try at first, I promise! I even liked it for a bit. Sure, the writing style seems a little dated, but that wasn't too much of a problem. I can hang! And I did, until I stumbled across this beautiful (sarcasm) sentences saying, “Her eyes bulged – which is really not that easy with Asian eyes.” Yes, this is a real sentence in a real book. For those unaware, that’s racist. Yeah well, you'd best believe my Asian eyes bulged at the random and casual display of racism in what I assumed would be a “cozy” mystery, and my Asian hands quickly closed the book out while my Asian ass decided I'd have to immediately return this shit to the library. Trust me, all this was pretty easy. You could probably imagine why I don’t have the same feel-good opinions about this author as I used to, and whenever I’m reading a Josh Lanyon book, I spend a sizable percentage of my energy dreading the moment when I might happen upon the next racist faux pau. It feels inevitable, really. And yes, I understand that this was written a long time ago, but the truth is… I really don’t give a shit. Never forgive and never forget is what I always say. Well, I apparently don’t hold a strong enough grudge because here I am, reading the series I used to love but now I just like. That's the thing though, it's really mostly a habit at this point and I can't deny that I’m really not reading each new installment with the same bright-eyed enthusiasm that the me of past did. And that kind of sucks, you know? I guess my “give-a-fucks” are still on vacation. Oh well, I’ll live. The only reason I’m bringing this up is because… one, I’m a hater… but also, I saw a review for one of these Secrets and Scrabble books where the reviewer predicted that characters from the Holmes & Moriarity series might show up sometime in the future to team up with Ellery and Jack or whatever and now I lie in wait for their appearance like an anticipatory jump-scare. Oh boy, everyone’s favorite racist is here to make a splash in Pirate’s Cove. Can't wait. Again, sarcasm.
I don’t know, love is not stronger than pride this time around and I can't help but get random flashes of intense negative feelings whenever I happen to find myself reading a Josh Lanyon book, and if I hold it in any longer, I will explode. I just have to get this stuff off my chest. Sometimes the authors that write fiction that's supposed to make you feel safe and included can easily do a full 180 and accomplish the exact opposite. Damn, maybe I do hold grudges. Anyway, I thought that this book, book eight (eight!), was definitely an improvement over the last couple. Yay for improvement. I mean, it does do the whole “Ellery doesn’t want to investigate anything for some reason"-thing and I’m sorry, but at this point in the series, I feel like he should definitely be way more interested in investigating all the weird shit going on. Part of what makes mysteries fun is the main character's innate curiosity, and if Ellery doesn't care, then why should we? This is his eighth (eight!) mystery solved, so it's totally okay to write him to be a bit more confident by now. Encouraged even. His constant hesitation is seriously just tiring at this point and I’m always wanting to reach into the pages and scream, “You best start believing in mysteries, Mr. Page. You're in one!” But other than that, this one took some serious leaps and bounds outside of what was beginning to feel like growing monotony. First of all, Jack and Ellery don’t have a fight in this, which was my biggest source of contention in previous novels; Ellery thinks something's up, Jack tells him he's an idiot, Ellery ends up being right. Rinse and repeat. so let’s all celebrate the fact that we don't have to go through all that bullshit again. Yay. Oh also, I’m that weirdo that loves bottle episodes, so I actually liked how most of the story takes place in Ellery’s house. The increasing tension within the household and the fact that all the characters are severely snowed in made for fun scenes where the characters slowly start to get on each other's nerves. Love that stuff. And it helps that the mystery's thick with a claustrophobic vibe that could easily help pass this book for a horror story. Cool! And as for the new cast of characters? I actually liked them. I think the author does a wonderful job of making them interesting suspects while also having them be familiar enough to where we understand why Ellery is so uncomfortable investigating their sordid past throughout the novel. The way they’re all friendly old chums yet all a little bit on edge because of the looming threat of The Hash-Slinging Slasher out there, while also having to deal with lingering resentment over their shared past trauma was a really interesting dynamic to explore. They all blended nicely into both Ellery’s current, humble, life as well as added texture to his past history. The story kind of reminded me of a mix between I Know What You Did Last Summer (maybe, I haven’t seen) and Bodies Bodies Bodies (maybe, I have seen but it's really only similar because they're stuck in a big house) in its 90’s throwback vibe. Which is fitting because Ellery himself is a throwback to the lead actors in those old slop horror movies. I guess these things always come back stronger than a 90’s trend, huh?
I've always enjoyed really how Ellery was this Final Destination type leading man that never made it because I think it's really funny, but it also shows that it's never too late to change your path in life. It's nice. Otherwise, it's nice to see more characters from that era of his life and it really shows how much of a miracle it was that he ended up as normal as he did. Also, as I've said before, I just love stories where a tight group quickly starts to turn on each other because not only is it always super entertaining, but it's also a little realistic. Maybe this is just me telling on myself, but my favorite part of the movie is always, without a doubt, whenever it looks like it's finger pointing time! "I saw him do this!" or "What was she doing over there!?" I'd be out here living like I was a character in The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street! Oh yeah, Jack's here too. Blah. But you know, I'll take blah because whenever he's anything else he's an unmovable hard ass. There was also a weird moment where he starts talking to Ellery about his friends like they're suspects in a murder mystery (before this book even has a murder to solve) and it's clearly making him uncomfortable, yet Jack still keeps interrogating him like he's on the stand? That's textbook weirdo behavior, my guy. That aside, yup yup yup, the characters were great, but as far as the actual mystery goes, I think this one wasn’t the best. For one, it isn’t even a murder mystery until 70% in (I checked), and I couldn’t help but want to scream at the book to hurry up. Like, quick! We’re running out of pages! Can somebody just die already!?! And then when someone does die, the book doesn’t even try to hide who did it!? The characters correctly guess right away and it’s not even a red herring! I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but nope, it really was just the first person they all thought it was. Okay then? I guess it does make sense as to why they were able to sus them out, because the killer was a special kind of dumbass. Don’t worry, I won’t spoil it, but with how sloppily they went about doing the deed and how quickly they got caught, their plan would have been just as effective if they’d just stood over the dead body and did The Dougie in wait for the authorities to file in. Seriously, just save us the trouble. It was kind of funny because this is exactly how I imagine I would write a murder mystery; I’d get so caught up in character writing and world building that I’d never actually get to the killing part. I’d change the genre through sheer force of forgetfulness! I've been talking for a while, so I think it's probably time to wrap this up. So yeah... yeah so, despite everything I’ve been saying, the truth is that I’ll probably continue this series until there aren’t any more books to complain about. Sure, I'm more conflicted in my feelings towards the author in general, but I can't deny the fact that I still get that little spark of excitement whenever I see that a new installment of Secrets and Scrabble is out there in the world, and I do think that has to count for something. ...Right? Maybe eventually they'll simply become somebody that I used to know or whatever, but I think it's safe to say that that'll be in the far future. Nostalgia fuels me. And even if this head I hold is so tired, I’ll be seated for book nine.
“That’s settled. We’re all doomed.” Flip was joking, of course.
Chelsea drawled, “Not Ellery. He’s the Final Boy.”