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Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How To Make Love Last
A groundbreaking exploration of the psychology of infatuation, how to recognize it, and how to move beyond it towards a healthier experience of love.
“Butterflies” in the stomach, intrusive thoughts, fantasies about imaginary scenarios, mood swings from euphoria to despair… aren't these all the familiar hallmarks of new love? Not quite. These are characteristics of the psychological state of “limerence,” also known as obsessive, passionate or addictive love that can become unhealthy.
Millions of people experience limerence at some point in their life, and in this book, neuroscientist Dr Tom Bellamy explores advances in neuroscience since the term was coined in the 1970s, and sheds light on this little-understood element of the human experience.
· what drives limerence
· how to recognize limerence in yourself and others
· how to manage the phases of addiction to another person
· how to move past it to sustain longer, more fulfilling relationships.
With supportive advice about next steps, this book will help readers struggling with unwanted feelings to find emotional equilibrium. Rooted in neuroscience, this book offers practical guidance for those experiencing obsessive love and seeking emotional balance.
“Butterflies” in the stomach, intrusive thoughts, fantasies about imaginary scenarios, mood swings from euphoria to despair… aren't these all the familiar hallmarks of new love? Not quite. These are characteristics of the psychological state of “limerence,” also known as obsessive, passionate or addictive love that can become unhealthy.
Millions of people experience limerence at some point in their life, and in this book, neuroscientist Dr Tom Bellamy explores advances in neuroscience since the term was coined in the 1970s, and sheds light on this little-understood element of the human experience.
· what drives limerence
· how to recognize limerence in yourself and others
· how to manage the phases of addiction to another person
· how to move past it to sustain longer, more fulfilling relationships.
With supportive advice about next steps, this book will help readers struggling with unwanted feelings to find emotional equilibrium. Rooted in neuroscience, this book offers practical guidance for those experiencing obsessive love and seeking emotional balance.
224 pages, Hardcover
Published April 8, 2025
114 people are currently reading
5435 people want to read
About the author
Tom Bellamy
1 book21 followersTom Bellamy is an academic neuroscientist and Associate Professor at the University of Nottingham in the UK. His research involves studying the fundamental mechanisms of the brain (the nuts and bolts of synaptic signaling), but he also writes about how this fundamental neuroscience can make sense of the experience of limerence. He has blogged at Livingwithlimerence.com for seven years under the pseudonym "Dr L" but has now decided to step out of the shadows with the publication of a new book "Smitten" that summarizes everything he's learned about limerence over the years.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews
August 4, 2025
While the author appears to make a sincere attempt to offer insights into the neural mechanisms and definitions of “limerance”, the book falters when interpreting emotional, relational, and therapeutic dynamics that are best understood through lived clinical practice. Neuroscience explains how the brain reacts; psychotherapy explores why the mind suffers and how it heals.
Without any personal grounding in the therapeutic process, the author’s conclusions often oversimplify or misrepresent the complex human experience. He then greatly oversteps by ending the book with chapters on self-care, which includes misguided advice on how to deprogram yourself from your “limerant object” — because apparently the human psyche is little more than a faulty computer to this guy. He mentions therapy as a potentially helpful tool but then disparages it in the very same chapter — a damaging choice from someone who is ironically attempting to teach psychology when they are neither a psychologist nor a legit professor. This book may have had some real potential if only they had sought out a writing partnership with a licensed and seasoned psychotherapist who has earned their expertise.
Without any personal grounding in the therapeutic process, the author’s conclusions often oversimplify or misrepresent the complex human experience. He then greatly oversteps by ending the book with chapters on self-care, which includes misguided advice on how to deprogram yourself from your “limerant object” — because apparently the human psyche is little more than a faulty computer to this guy. He mentions therapy as a potentially helpful tool but then disparages it in the very same chapter — a damaging choice from someone who is ironically attempting to teach psychology when they are neither a psychologist nor a legit professor. This book may have had some real potential if only they had sought out a writing partnership with a licensed and seasoned psychotherapist who has earned their expertise.
June 17, 2025
This is a book I wish I’d had available to me earlier in life when I was prone to developing impossible infatuations. As it is, this is still a fascinating read. Neuroscientist Dr Tom Bellamy examines the phenomenon known as ‘limerence’ - the tendency among some people to develop obsessive, passionate crushes on others to the point their lives spin out of control and they lose all perspective.
The word ‘limerence’ - which is something more than a common garden crush - was coined only relatively recently. It was defined first in the 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe a mental state of profound romantic infatuation. The inspiration for countless novels, movies and pop songs, Limerence is characterised among sufferers by an initial period of elation and intense emotional arousal that can progress to an involuntary, obsessive craving for another person.
A serial self-confessed victim of limerence himself, Bellamy began an anonymous blog about it seven years ago. ‘Living with Limerence’ detailed the neuroscience driving the almost addictive craving for another - often unobtainable - person. Bellamy’s blog became so popular that he decided to write a book on the subject based on his own experience, professional knowledge and the feedback of his readers.
As with many non-fiction works these days, this is far too long. The last half devolves into a self-help book for limerent sufferers. But the first half, in which Bellamy describes the science behind limerent longing, is fascinating. Apparently, susceptibility to limerence is linked to your attachment style to your mother as a young child. Anxious attachers - those who were left feeling insecure about parental love - are more likely to fall victim to limerence. Triggers related to arousal, reward and bonding drive the process forward. Ultimately, our dopamine circuits (the drive for reward) turn desire into obsession. From painful personal experience, this made absolute sense to me.
“There really are some people who activate our neural circuits in just the right way to send us into a reward-reinforcement cycle that is easy to slip into but fearsome to escape,” Bellamy writes. “Turns out, brains can be dumb.”
The word ‘limerence’ - which is something more than a common garden crush - was coined only relatively recently. It was defined first in the 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe a mental state of profound romantic infatuation. The inspiration for countless novels, movies and pop songs, Limerence is characterised among sufferers by an initial period of elation and intense emotional arousal that can progress to an involuntary, obsessive craving for another person.
A serial self-confessed victim of limerence himself, Bellamy began an anonymous blog about it seven years ago. ‘Living with Limerence’ detailed the neuroscience driving the almost addictive craving for another - often unobtainable - person. Bellamy’s blog became so popular that he decided to write a book on the subject based on his own experience, professional knowledge and the feedback of his readers.
As with many non-fiction works these days, this is far too long. The last half devolves into a self-help book for limerent sufferers. But the first half, in which Bellamy describes the science behind limerent longing, is fascinating. Apparently, susceptibility to limerence is linked to your attachment style to your mother as a young child. Anxious attachers - those who were left feeling insecure about parental love - are more likely to fall victim to limerence. Triggers related to arousal, reward and bonding drive the process forward. Ultimately, our dopamine circuits (the drive for reward) turn desire into obsession. From painful personal experience, this made absolute sense to me.
“There really are some people who activate our neural circuits in just the right way to send us into a reward-reinforcement cycle that is easy to slip into but fearsome to escape,” Bellamy writes. “Turns out, brains can be dumb.”
October 21, 2025
Thank you to NetGalley and Macmillan Audio for providing an ARC of Smitten by Tom Bellamy in exchange for honest feedback.
This was an incredibly interesting read. Would highly recommend reading this to that anyone that tends to overthink their interactions during the dating process. There are so many nuances described throughout this read that helped explain common behaviors and guide you through navigating better ways to handle future interactions.
Even if you do not exhibit these thoughts and/or behaviors yourself, it helps to explain how to recognize the behavior in others and help to react in ways that are productive and meaningful.
Great read overall.
This was an incredibly interesting read. Would highly recommend reading this to that anyone that tends to overthink their interactions during the dating process. There are so many nuances described throughout this read that helped explain common behaviors and guide you through navigating better ways to handle future interactions.
Even if you do not exhibit these thoughts and/or behaviors yourself, it helps to explain how to recognize the behavior in others and help to react in ways that are productive and meaningful.
Great read overall.
September 19, 2025
I came to Smitten curious about the psychology of limerence — that intense, euphoric, often obsessive state that masquerades as love. While I don’t doubt limerence exists, this book offers more breadth than depth. It’s readable and occasionally insightful, but lacks original research and leans heavily on secondary sources. For a book that claims to explore the neuroscience of love, it feels more like pop psychology than rigorous analysis.
One of the book’s core issues is that it tries to do too much for too many audiences. Is it a basic primer on limerence? A neuroscience explainer? A self-help guide for people suffering from limerent obsession? It’s unclear. These goals could have been better served by splitting the material into separate books or at least distinct sections with more focus. As it stands, Smitten reads more like a collection of long blog posts than a cohesive, well-structured work.
Bellamy is clear that limerence is not a mental illness:
“Experiencing limerence is not a symptom of mental illness, a psychological wound or an emotional failing. For most limerents it is a normal part of the process of falling in love, albeit with a force that has a fierce and alarming power.” (Chapter 5)
He also addresses attachment theory, noting that while limerence is often associated with anxious attachment, it’s not exclusive to it:
“More than half of the population who do not have an anxious attachment style are limerents. But—and it is a big but!—eight out of ten people who have anxious attachments are limerents.” (Chapter 6)
Bellamy introduces a taxonomy of archetypes who supposedly attract limerent individuals — the damsel in distress, tortured soul, agent of chaos, bad boy/girl, the rock, the leader, the guru, the free spirit, the mysterious stranger. These are interesting sketches, but the framing implies intentional manipulation. In reality, these people may just be living out their own unresolved narratives. As I wrote in my notes: “Maybe they just have their own movie going.”
One of the few moments that rang true for me was in Chapter 14, where Bellamy writes:
“Limerence fades. Regardless of how spectacular the thrills are at the beginning of a relationship, expecting that euphoric connection to last more than a few months is unrealistic. Quite apart from how exhausting it would become, it doesn't make sense from an evolutionary perspective. Limerence is the drive to form a pair bond tight enough to result in conception; it has no real role in making it last.”
This echoed something I told an ex who broke up with me after more than two years together because “we get along too well, you’re too nice to me.” We were compatible intellectually, physically, emotionally — but they said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” When I asked what being in love meant to him, they described a pattern of unreciprocated obsession that lasted “until they blocked my number/stopped speaking to me.” That’s not romance — that’s limerence as compulsion.
Chapter 15 is even titled “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” but instead of exploring the emotional fallout of that statement, it focuses on infidelity and the vulnerability of limerent individuals to extramarital obsession. It’s a missed opportunity to unpack how limerence can sabotage healthy relationships — not because the partner is lacking, but because the limerent person is chasing a feeling that’s unsustainable.
In Chapter 16, Bellamy suggests channeling limerent energy into self-improvement. This reminded me of my ex’s cycles of intense infatuation — not just with people, but with hobbies. He would dive deep into culinary knives and sharpening techniques, then Afro-Cuban drumming, then pottery. These weren’t casual interests; they were full-blown obsessions. I can’t help but see a connection between limerence and adult ADHD — especially the dopamine-driven novelty-seeking, emotional impulsivity, and hyperfocus that characterize both.
Chapter 17 introduces a “recovery mindset,” reminding readers that “limerence is happening in your head” — that it’s the limerent person who makes the object seem special. Bellamy advises readers to “check your instincts,” avoid self-medication, and accept that you can’t “just be friends” with a limerent object. He encourages building a life of purpose, listing traits like honesty, self-awareness, openness to renewal, courage to face discomfort, an internal locus of control, decisiveness, and action orientation.
“Creating a life without limerence... may not be as flashy and exciting as the thrills of limerence, but it is a deeper, more profound contentment. Finding a purpose, a goal you care about, a vision of what your life could be like if you took control of your destiny, shifts you from a state of passive dependency to one of active motivation. Living with purpose means you stop depending on the LO for comfort, stop following their lead, stop letting their behavior dictate your mood.”
This is solid advice — and probably the book’s strongest section — but it comes late and without much psychological depth. Bellamy doesn’t explore how neurodivergence, trauma, or attachment styles might shape limerent behavior. Nor does he offer tools for people who are in relationships with limerents — those of us who are “too nice,” too stable, too real to compete with the fantasy.
In the end, Smitten is readable and occasionally insightful, but it left me wanting more. More research, more nuance, more empathy for the people caught in the wake of limerent obsession. It made me want to revisit Dorothy Tennov’s original work — and to seek out more rigorous writing on the psychology of love, obsession, and neurodivergence.
REVIEW: Smitten by Tom Bellamy
RATING: 2.5 stars
© Jennifer R Clark. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License. You may share and adapt this content with proper attribution.
One of the book’s core issues is that it tries to do too much for too many audiences. Is it a basic primer on limerence? A neuroscience explainer? A self-help guide for people suffering from limerent obsession? It’s unclear. These goals could have been better served by splitting the material into separate books or at least distinct sections with more focus. As it stands, Smitten reads more like a collection of long blog posts than a cohesive, well-structured work.
Bellamy is clear that limerence is not a mental illness:
“Experiencing limerence is not a symptom of mental illness, a psychological wound or an emotional failing. For most limerents it is a normal part of the process of falling in love, albeit with a force that has a fierce and alarming power.” (Chapter 5)
He also addresses attachment theory, noting that while limerence is often associated with anxious attachment, it’s not exclusive to it:
“More than half of the population who do not have an anxious attachment style are limerents. But—and it is a big but!—eight out of ten people who have anxious attachments are limerents.” (Chapter 6)
Bellamy introduces a taxonomy of archetypes who supposedly attract limerent individuals — the damsel in distress, tortured soul, agent of chaos, bad boy/girl, the rock, the leader, the guru, the free spirit, the mysterious stranger. These are interesting sketches, but the framing implies intentional manipulation. In reality, these people may just be living out their own unresolved narratives. As I wrote in my notes: “Maybe they just have their own movie going.”
One of the few moments that rang true for me was in Chapter 14, where Bellamy writes:
“Limerence fades. Regardless of how spectacular the thrills are at the beginning of a relationship, expecting that euphoric connection to last more than a few months is unrealistic. Quite apart from how exhausting it would become, it doesn't make sense from an evolutionary perspective. Limerence is the drive to form a pair bond tight enough to result in conception; it has no real role in making it last.”
This echoed something I told an ex who broke up with me after more than two years together because “we get along too well, you’re too nice to me.” We were compatible intellectually, physically, emotionally — but they said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” When I asked what being in love meant to him, they described a pattern of unreciprocated obsession that lasted “until they blocked my number/stopped speaking to me.” That’s not romance — that’s limerence as compulsion.
Chapter 15 is even titled “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” but instead of exploring the emotional fallout of that statement, it focuses on infidelity and the vulnerability of limerent individuals to extramarital obsession. It’s a missed opportunity to unpack how limerence can sabotage healthy relationships — not because the partner is lacking, but because the limerent person is chasing a feeling that’s unsustainable.
In Chapter 16, Bellamy suggests channeling limerent energy into self-improvement. This reminded me of my ex’s cycles of intense infatuation — not just with people, but with hobbies. He would dive deep into culinary knives and sharpening techniques, then Afro-Cuban drumming, then pottery. These weren’t casual interests; they were full-blown obsessions. I can’t help but see a connection between limerence and adult ADHD — especially the dopamine-driven novelty-seeking, emotional impulsivity, and hyperfocus that characterize both.
Chapter 17 introduces a “recovery mindset,” reminding readers that “limerence is happening in your head” — that it’s the limerent person who makes the object seem special. Bellamy advises readers to “check your instincts,” avoid self-medication, and accept that you can’t “just be friends” with a limerent object. He encourages building a life of purpose, listing traits like honesty, self-awareness, openness to renewal, courage to face discomfort, an internal locus of control, decisiveness, and action orientation.
“Creating a life without limerence... may not be as flashy and exciting as the thrills of limerence, but it is a deeper, more profound contentment. Finding a purpose, a goal you care about, a vision of what your life could be like if you took control of your destiny, shifts you from a state of passive dependency to one of active motivation. Living with purpose means you stop depending on the LO for comfort, stop following their lead, stop letting their behavior dictate your mood.”
This is solid advice — and probably the book’s strongest section — but it comes late and without much psychological depth. Bellamy doesn’t explore how neurodivergence, trauma, or attachment styles might shape limerent behavior. Nor does he offer tools for people who are in relationships with limerents — those of us who are “too nice,” too stable, too real to compete with the fantasy.
In the end, Smitten is readable and occasionally insightful, but it left me wanting more. More research, more nuance, more empathy for the people caught in the wake of limerent obsession. It made me want to revisit Dorothy Tennov’s original work — and to seek out more rigorous writing on the psychology of love, obsession, and neurodivergence.
REVIEW: Smitten by Tom Bellamy
RATING: 2.5 stars
© Jennifer R Clark. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License. You may share and adapt this content with proper attribution.
July 5, 2025
Very interesting book about limerence, or obsession about another person that is often romantic. Reading about others' experiences was fascinating, as were the author's tips for getting out of limerence. I deducted a star for the poor writing: there was a lot of "try and", which sounds terrible. For example, you shouldn't say, "I will try and forget him." It's supposed to be, "I will try to forget him."
Thanks to NetGalley for the free review copy.
Thanks to NetGalley for the free review copy.
October 2, 2025
Definitely intrigued by the initial premise of limerance as a psychological term encapsulating how some experience 'falling in love', but there are some glaring gaps in the research here. For one thing, half of what the term is meant to describe (according to Bellamy) has already been established as part of attachment patterning. It's not new information and doesn't really fit with what's being hypothesised here. I also don't understand how Bellamy can separate aspects of limerance, as described by him, as separate from characteristics of stalking.
Further, more comprehensive and far more specialised research is definitely needed. I do want to know more about the experiential differences, and I am frankly fascinated by the dividing line between falling in love and romantic obsession, and at what point it becomes something more akin to stalking. It's an area worth looking into, and so begs the question as to why Bellamy was so keen to decry the connection.
Further, more comprehensive and far more specialised research is definitely needed. I do want to know more about the experiential differences, and I am frankly fascinated by the dividing line between falling in love and romantic obsession, and at what point it becomes something more akin to stalking. It's an area worth looking into, and so begs the question as to why Bellamy was so keen to decry the connection.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 2, 2025
I received an ARC copy of this book in exchange for a review from NetGalley. I had never heard of the term Limerence before, but I love Non-fiction psychology books so I figured I would give it a try. The book opens with a handy questionnaire where you can determine your love style. Limerence is a style of love where you become preoccupied by biological impulses to pair-bond. When you experience limerence, your mind obsesses over your new love interest (Limerent object) in order to try to successfully reproduce. Unfortunately, sometimes this causes chaos. In a world with social media, it can lead to anxiety-inducing behavior where you try everything to make sure your love interest loves you back. The problem with this is sometimes it causes unbalance in relationships. The book explains that the beginnings of Limerence are basically the best feelings of the world, but when the relationship is not healthy, Limerence can cause jealousy, frustration, difficulty adjusting during breakups, and in worse-case scenarios, can lead to adultery. At first, I found the book very interesting. There aren't too many synonyms for the word limerence, so reading the book becomes a task in repetitiveness. The last chapters become more self-help with the author advising the best way to live your life is to live a life of purpose. The book was split into three parts. Overall, I thought the book was interesting, but I didn't fully connect with its purpose. It seemed to me that if you took the quiz and realized you live with limerence, the book cautioned that you need to be careful because you can destroy your life and everything you care about really easily. I especially did not like the chapter where you had to challenge your belief system by purposely recalling negative memories and chanting to yourself "I will not be limerent". The book also tried to be two things: a guide for people who do not experience limerence to understand it better and a cautionary tale for those who do experience it to avoid pitfalls in their romantic life. Sometimes, I think the tone was harsh towards those experiencing limerence.
August 22, 2025
Reading this felt like a gun to my head — in a good way for the most part.
Even as a self-help book skeptic, I learned a lot, and it was affirming to read about limerence from an empathetic perspective.
The entire book felt like it was building up to the last few chapters, where potential solutions and coping mechanisms were to be explored. Unfortunately, these felt like the least developed chapters, often going in circles and lacking examples.
That said, I’d still recommend it as a starting point for people absolutely at wit’s end over repeated unhealthy fixations… and then maybe therapy?
Thanks to MacMillan Publishers for the advance copy.
Even as a self-help book skeptic, I learned a lot, and it was affirming to read about limerence from an empathetic perspective.
The entire book felt like it was building up to the last few chapters, where potential solutions and coping mechanisms were to be explored. Unfortunately, these felt like the least developed chapters, often going in circles and lacking examples.
That said, I’d still recommend it as a starting point for people absolutely at wit’s end over repeated unhealthy fixations… and then maybe therapy?
Thanks to MacMillan Publishers for the advance copy.
October 12, 2025
3.75/5.
I listened to the audiobook and so I appreciate I might have got more out this book if I'd been reading it the more traditional way. Even so, I found it a great summary of the neuroscience behind limerence, as well as including various limerents' first-hand experiences in their own words, cognitive-behavioural formulations of limerence and strategies for how to manage it and extinguish it effectively. I really appreciated the frequent reality checks aimed to challenge limerent thinking/mental gymnastics.
I did, however, find the narration quite frustrating - it wasn't read by the author, and it felt like it was read by someone who didn't fully understand the experience of limerence and so was reading it more like a story or as if limerence was some sort of interesting curiosity- that irked me a bit. Especially when I contrast it with another audiobook I've been listening to (Decluttering at the Speed of Life), narrated excellently and meaningfully by the author, in a way that seems to speak directly to you from a place of deep understanding and "getting it". This book could really benefit from that.
The only other think I wanted more of was a bit more depth. Maybe it's because I've read articles on the author's website and found them, as well as the rich discussion in the comments, so useful and specific to certain aspects of limerence, and this book felt like a more generalised and marketed version of that. Also, potentially beyond the scope of this book, I would have liked some deeper exploration into the psychological needs from a schema-informed/parts work perspective, as I think this is very relevant to working with this presentation. As this book was clearly designed to help self-identified limerents understand and work through their own challenges with limerence, it makes sense there wasn't so much acknowledgement of the role "limerence" as we understand it these days, has played in literature, art and mythology across cultures, and the fact that one person's limerence is another person's falling in love, but I did find the formulation of limerence a bit too clinical on the whole. Even though it was acknowledged as a "normal" aspect of many people's experience of attraction, and beneficial aspects were explored, the way it was formulated and the thrust of the book (understandably) treated it more like an aberration and a "trick of the mind" rather than exploring any deeper significance, perhaps considering any such exploration as a the mind's attempt at justifying acting on limerence. Maybe it's just limerent delusion, but my sense is that there's something deeper going on.
*Edit: interestingly, days after finishing this book, I read Inner Gold: Understanding Psychological Projection by Robert A. Johnson and it was exactly what I found myself searching for at the end of Smitten. A much more intuitive and mythical approach to limerence (which isn't mentioned specifically but is very much an example of "putting your inner gold" onto another). Inner Gold doesn't pathologise the experience so much (very much sees it as something with a sacred purpose in fact), but agrees on the risks of confusing it for a romantic relationship. A very interesting contrast in approach.
I listened to the audiobook and so I appreciate I might have got more out this book if I'd been reading it the more traditional way. Even so, I found it a great summary of the neuroscience behind limerence, as well as including various limerents' first-hand experiences in their own words, cognitive-behavioural formulations of limerence and strategies for how to manage it and extinguish it effectively. I really appreciated the frequent reality checks aimed to challenge limerent thinking/mental gymnastics.
I did, however, find the narration quite frustrating - it wasn't read by the author, and it felt like it was read by someone who didn't fully understand the experience of limerence and so was reading it more like a story or as if limerence was some sort of interesting curiosity- that irked me a bit. Especially when I contrast it with another audiobook I've been listening to (Decluttering at the Speed of Life), narrated excellently and meaningfully by the author, in a way that seems to speak directly to you from a place of deep understanding and "getting it". This book could really benefit from that.
The only other think I wanted more of was a bit more depth. Maybe it's because I've read articles on the author's website and found them, as well as the rich discussion in the comments, so useful and specific to certain aspects of limerence, and this book felt like a more generalised and marketed version of that. Also, potentially beyond the scope of this book, I would have liked some deeper exploration into the psychological needs from a schema-informed/parts work perspective, as I think this is very relevant to working with this presentation. As this book was clearly designed to help self-identified limerents understand and work through their own challenges with limerence, it makes sense there wasn't so much acknowledgement of the role "limerence" as we understand it these days, has played in literature, art and mythology across cultures, and the fact that one person's limerence is another person's falling in love, but I did find the formulation of limerence a bit too clinical on the whole. Even though it was acknowledged as a "normal" aspect of many people's experience of attraction, and beneficial aspects were explored, the way it was formulated and the thrust of the book (understandably) treated it more like an aberration and a "trick of the mind" rather than exploring any deeper significance, perhaps considering any such exploration as a the mind's attempt at justifying acting on limerence. Maybe it's just limerent delusion, but my sense is that there's something deeper going on.
*Edit: interestingly, days after finishing this book, I read Inner Gold: Understanding Psychological Projection by Robert A. Johnson and it was exactly what I found myself searching for at the end of Smitten. A much more intuitive and mythical approach to limerence (which isn't mentioned specifically but is very much an example of "putting your inner gold" onto another). Inner Gold doesn't pathologise the experience so much (very much sees it as something with a sacred purpose in fact), but agrees on the risks of confusing it for a romantic relationship. A very interesting contrast in approach.
February 18, 2026
This book started off strong but dropped off after the first 25% or so. My main contention is that the author never convinced me of the premise, which is that limerence is a psychological phenomenon that not everyone experiences. While I agree that everyone experiences relationships differently, I am not convinced that there are people out there who don’t experience limerence at all—it wouldn’t make sense from a biological perspective. I'll caveat by saying I'm a romance reader, and I love that I get to read about characters who experience the sort of limerence I've experienced at many points in my life. I’m not saying that everyone experiences the type of Barry-Keoghan’s-Character-In-Saltburn person addiction that ruins their lives. But I do think everyone experiences it to a certain degree. And I don’t think it’s fair to liken this sensation to a psychological disorder (or even to a degenerative disease, which the book felt like it was doing at certain points).
My biggest gripe is that the scientific basis upon which this theory was based is tenuous, at best. It’s based on a lot of anecdotal correlations, and while the author doesn’t conflate these with causation, he does attribute a lot of scientific value to people who self-report that they are limerent (mainly by quoting from comments on a site dedicated to “Living with Limerence,” which will certainly attract a certain population of people who have self-diagnosed). The majority of the book felt like a generic, oversimplified therapy session. The author did mention at one point toward the end that therapy is a bespoke experience, but that didn’t stop him from spending a lot of time assuming that all readers of the book were “suffering” from limerence, that they’d been tempted with or succumbed to an affair during a limerent episode, or that they would benefit from logic-ing their way out of their so-called affliction. Maybe it’s because I’ve had a generally positive experience with limerence and find it to be quite fun, but many of the takeaways in this book failed to resonate with me.
My biggest gripe is that the scientific basis upon which this theory was based is tenuous, at best. It’s based on a lot of anecdotal correlations, and while the author doesn’t conflate these with causation, he does attribute a lot of scientific value to people who self-report that they are limerent (mainly by quoting from comments on a site dedicated to “Living with Limerence,” which will certainly attract a certain population of people who have self-diagnosed). The majority of the book felt like a generic, oversimplified therapy session. The author did mention at one point toward the end that therapy is a bespoke experience, but that didn’t stop him from spending a lot of time assuming that all readers of the book were “suffering” from limerence, that they’d been tempted with or succumbed to an affair during a limerent episode, or that they would benefit from logic-ing their way out of their so-called affliction. Maybe it’s because I’ve had a generally positive experience with limerence and find it to be quite fun, but many of the takeaways in this book failed to resonate with me.
November 27, 2025
This ARC was truly a Godsend, because only He could have known how badly I needed to read this.
Let’s get group therapy started. Hi, I’m Morgan (*Hi Morgan*), and I’m a limerent.
What being limerent means is that when I fall, I fall hard. It’s all-consuming, exhilarating, and makes me feel like I’m on top of the world. But it also causes me to think about nothing but that person, which can impede everyday life. And because my particular limerent object bounces between giving me glimmers of hope and giving me the cold shoulder, the uncertainty of it all also causes me immense anxiety, the intensity messes with my psyche, and the taboo nature makes me scared to talk about it. (I could go on, but that’s a story better saved for livingwithlimerence.com.)
In my most recent bout of limerence, a two-year stint that has made me deeply consider therapy, I reached my highest highs and lowest lows, and in those lows, I thought I was alone and that no one would understand the kind of mental battle I’m waging between knowing that something is wrong for me yet still seeking it with my whole heart.
Enter this book. Now, not only do I know I’m not alone, but I also know that over 50% of people in the US have felt this depth of romantic obsession before.
Most of the time, I find these types of self-help books useless, like when you struggle with anxiety and someone’s brilliant solution is “Well just stop feeling anxious :)”
Thankfully, this author recognizes that limerence isn’t really something you can just stop… and in fact, cutting a limerent object out of your life can be incredibly painful.
I found this book informative, empathetic yet honest, and helpful in identifying a sensation that over half the population feels but can’t name. It provides a succinct yet thorough explanation of the brain science of limerence, how it often manifests, and tricks to train your brain into getting over it.
I know this made me think about my limerence differently, and I’ve already recommended it to several friends who could use it, too.
Let’s get group therapy started. Hi, I’m Morgan (*Hi Morgan*), and I’m a limerent.
What being limerent means is that when I fall, I fall hard. It’s all-consuming, exhilarating, and makes me feel like I’m on top of the world. But it also causes me to think about nothing but that person, which can impede everyday life. And because my particular limerent object bounces between giving me glimmers of hope and giving me the cold shoulder, the uncertainty of it all also causes me immense anxiety, the intensity messes with my psyche, and the taboo nature makes me scared to talk about it. (I could go on, but that’s a story better saved for livingwithlimerence.com.)
In my most recent bout of limerence, a two-year stint that has made me deeply consider therapy, I reached my highest highs and lowest lows, and in those lows, I thought I was alone and that no one would understand the kind of mental battle I’m waging between knowing that something is wrong for me yet still seeking it with my whole heart.
Enter this book. Now, not only do I know I’m not alone, but I also know that over 50% of people in the US have felt this depth of romantic obsession before.
Most of the time, I find these types of self-help books useless, like when you struggle with anxiety and someone’s brilliant solution is “Well just stop feeling anxious :)”
Thankfully, this author recognizes that limerence isn’t really something you can just stop… and in fact, cutting a limerent object out of your life can be incredibly painful.
I found this book informative, empathetic yet honest, and helpful in identifying a sensation that over half the population feels but can’t name. It provides a succinct yet thorough explanation of the brain science of limerence, how it often manifests, and tricks to train your brain into getting over it.
I know this made me think about my limerence differently, and I’ve already recommended it to several friends who could use it, too.
November 1, 2025
This book did a great job explaining what limerance is, and why we might find ourself engaging in the pattern. I think the book could improve by giving better ways to overcome it.
I think this book is good for both those who are new to the concept, or for those who are already on their healing journey to understand the “why” better.
Thank you Net Galley and Macmillan Audio for an advanced audiobook copy of this book!
I think this book is good for both those who are new to the concept, or for those who are already on their healing journey to understand the “why” better.
Thank you Net Galley and Macmillan Audio for an advanced audiobook copy of this book!
February 8, 2026
Im so glad im too much of a misandrist and understand that loving men is a tragic blood curse to be a limerant
February 13, 2026
DNF @ 64% this book was saying a whole lot of nothing
Read
January 5, 2026this seems more like a self-published book about a pet project than a traditionally published one on a topic of research with solid grounding about how to recover
Read
November 8, 2025DNF 72%
Self-help authors need to understand that people who read a book on the topic already know what it is. They know they're depressed/lonely/etc. Why does more than half of the book explain why people are lonely? They already are! Just explain how to fix it - that's what the audience wants to read. But people get so bored reading the explanation that they don't even read the section that's relevant
Self-help authors need to understand that people who read a book on the topic already know what it is. They know they're depressed/lonely/etc. Why does more than half of the book explain why people are lonely? They already are! Just explain how to fix it - that's what the audience wants to read. But people get so bored reading the explanation that they don't even read the section that's relevant
September 7, 2025
The title of this book instantly had me intrigued and I had to request an arc! Overall the theory of limerence and the research on romantic love was very interesting. I found some parts repetitive but really enjoyed the neuroscience and felt it was very well researched and all resources were cited and provided well.
A lot of the book really resonated with me and I wouldn’t mind a re-read one day to absorb even more of the information! It’s definitely worth the read, and explains everything about what’s happening at a scientific level when you feel in love, obsessed with someone and even unrequited love.
Thanks for the arc St Martins Press!
A lot of the book really resonated with me and I wouldn’t mind a re-read one day to absorb even more of the information! It’s definitely worth the read, and explains everything about what’s happening at a scientific level when you feel in love, obsessed with someone and even unrequited love.
Thanks for the arc St Martins Press!
February 4, 2026
Real Rating: 3.5* of five
Rating: 3.5* of five
The Publisher Says: A groundbreaking exploration of the psychology of infatuation, how to recognize it, and how to move beyond it towards a healthier experience of love.
“Butterflies” in the stomach, intrusive thoughts, fantasies about imaginary scenarios, mood swings from euphoria to despair… aren't these all the familiar hallmarks of new love? Not quite. These are characteristics of the psychological state of “limerence,” also known as obsessive, passionate or addictive love that can become unhealthy.
Millions of people experience limerence at some point in their life. In this book, neuroscientist Tom Bellamy explores advances in neuroscience since the term was coined in the 1970s, and sheds light on this little-understood element of the human experience. Discover:
· what drives limerence
· how to recognize limerence in yourself and others
· how to manage the phases of addiction to another person
· how to move past it to sustain longer, more fulfilling relationships.
With supportive advice about next steps, this book will help readers struggling with unwanted feelings to find emotional equilibrium. Rooted in neuroscience, this book offers practical guidance for those experiencing obsessive love and seeking a path to a healthy relationship.
I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.
My Review: Living with Limerence is the author's blog of his experience as a sufferer from this recently described sociopsychological issue. It is not a diagnosis; it is not a presently recognized area of formal study; the author does not present himself as a mental-health professional, so is not held to any of the standards of those practitioners. His bio makes all this clear in what it does and does not say:
He is speaking from his own experience with confronting limerence in his life, and relatedly from his academic training in the workings of the brain. He is admirably clear of expression, understands the power of humor as well as the force of public vulnerability, in the discussion of what most of us don't experience when we get a crush or develop an infatuation or fall in (unrequited) love.
It is a study area just waiting for its academics to bring rigor, develop methodologies and establish vocabularies for, and grapple with the implications of, as our world becomes more and more mediated by machines. We're losing crucial social skills to social media and "AI"-centered experiences displacing sitting down to have a conversation with a real human.
Limerence is only going to rise in its prominence because of its intersection with parasocial interactions. Author Bellamy, and his seeming role model in limerence study Dorothy Tennov, come at this ancient but only-recently described feeling from different angles: she was a psychologist attempting to get "Love Studies" on an academic footing while his more function-of-the-brain focus arises from his neurobiology training.
In writing this book and its blog predecessor, Author Bellamy does yeoman work presenting the current state of the science. He is also careful to stress, through reinforcing restatement, the liberating reality check: Limerence is not, in itself, mental illness; it can be an indicator of underlying issues such as those present in attachment theory (q.v.) but are not necessarily full-on symptoms of anything. It is a very helpful reminder not to self-diagnose. However, I'm not entirely comfortable with the self-help half of the read. The author speaks from personal experience of the issue and has conducted polls to determine certain facts from other self-described sufferers, but this is not (nor is it presented as) peer-reviewed science. Yet. I predict it will be, and relatively soon, because the incidences of limerence in my own social circle are not falling....
As with all mental-health and -adjacent issues I encourage you to read all self-help books with the intention of going on to have fuller, more wide-ranging conversations with someone trained and licensed to interact with you on a theraputic footing. It will hurt you not at all to go into those conversations with information you have acquired by reading self-help books. Be ready to discuss the reading's merits with your mental-health practitioner as openly as you can. Not every expert can be trusted to address your unique personal needs.
I think my review needs to include this clear-sighted, honest, grounded in experience statement from Author Bellamy:
It's true, it's a fact known for thousands of years (in writing; millennia before that, since humans aren't so very different seen as a whole), and it always, always helps to know you are not the first, you are not the only, and you are not alone in the struggles you're having.
I can't be more generous with my stars for the trepidatious responses outlined above, but combined with appropriate professional consultation I think the information presented here in a highly...almost annoyingly...conversational style bids fair to give the reader a giant gift of feeling Seen and understood.
Rating: 3.5* of five
The Publisher Says: A groundbreaking exploration of the psychology of infatuation, how to recognize it, and how to move beyond it towards a healthier experience of love.
“Butterflies” in the stomach, intrusive thoughts, fantasies about imaginary scenarios, mood swings from euphoria to despair… aren't these all the familiar hallmarks of new love? Not quite. These are characteristics of the psychological state of “limerence,” also known as obsessive, passionate or addictive love that can become unhealthy.
Millions of people experience limerence at some point in their life. In this book, neuroscientist Tom Bellamy explores advances in neuroscience since the term was coined in the 1970s, and sheds light on this little-understood element of the human experience. Discover:
· what drives limerence
· how to recognize limerence in yourself and others
· how to manage the phases of addiction to another person
· how to move past it to sustain longer, more fulfilling relationships.
With supportive advice about next steps, this book will help readers struggling with unwanted feelings to find emotional equilibrium. Rooted in neuroscience, this book offers practical guidance for those experiencing obsessive love and seeking a path to a healthy relationship.
I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.
My Review: Living with Limerence is the author's blog of his experience as a sufferer from this recently described sociopsychological issue. It is not a diagnosis; it is not a presently recognized area of formal study; the author does not present himself as a mental-health professional, so is not held to any of the standards of those practitioners. His bio makes all this clear in what it does and does not say:
I’m a neuroscientist, writer and academic. I graduated with a PhD in Neuroscience from University College London in 2001, then worked as a research scientist at the Medical Research Council, and the Babraham Institute, Cambridge, before moving to the University of Nottingham in 2010.
Since then, I’ve run a research group investigating the nuts-and-bolts of how the brain works, and published dozens of papers on esoteric aspects of neurophysiology.
That background gave me a unique perspective on limerence, how to make sense of what’s going on in our traitor brains, and how to reprogram ourselves into leading more purposeful lives.
He is speaking from his own experience with confronting limerence in his life, and relatedly from his academic training in the workings of the brain. He is admirably clear of expression, understands the power of humor as well as the force of public vulnerability, in the discussion of what most of us don't experience when we get a crush or develop an infatuation or fall in (unrequited) love.
It is a study area just waiting for its academics to bring rigor, develop methodologies and establish vocabularies for, and grapple with the implications of, as our world becomes more and more mediated by machines. We're losing crucial social skills to social media and "AI"-centered experiences displacing sitting down to have a conversation with a real human.
Limerence is only going to rise in its prominence because of its intersection with parasocial interactions. Author Bellamy, and his seeming role model in limerence study Dorothy Tennov, come at this ancient but only-recently described feeling from different angles: she was a psychologist attempting to get "Love Studies" on an academic footing while his more function-of-the-brain focus arises from his neurobiology training.
In writing this book and its blog predecessor, Author Bellamy does yeoman work presenting the current state of the science. He is also careful to stress, through reinforcing restatement, the liberating reality check: Limerence is not, in itself, mental illness; it can be an indicator of underlying issues such as those present in attachment theory (q.v.) but are not necessarily full-on symptoms of anything. It is a very helpful reminder not to self-diagnose. However, I'm not entirely comfortable with the self-help half of the read. The author speaks from personal experience of the issue and has conducted polls to determine certain facts from other self-described sufferers, but this is not (nor is it presented as) peer-reviewed science. Yet. I predict it will be, and relatively soon, because the incidences of limerence in my own social circle are not falling....
As with all mental-health and -adjacent issues I encourage you to read all self-help books with the intention of going on to have fuller, more wide-ranging conversations with someone trained and licensed to interact with you on a theraputic footing. It will hurt you not at all to go into those conversations with information you have acquired by reading self-help books. Be ready to discuss the reading's merits with your mental-health practitioner as openly as you can. Not every expert can be trusted to address your unique personal needs.
I think my review needs to include this clear-sighted, honest, grounded in experience statement from Author Bellamy:
Limerence fades. Regardless of how spectacular the thrills are at the beginning of a relationship, expecting that euphoric connection to last more than a few months is unrealistic. Quite apart from how exhausting it would become, it doesn't make sense from an evolutionary perspective. Limerence is the drive to form a pair bond tight enough to result in conception; it has no real role in making it last.
It's true, it's a fact known for thousands of years (in writing; millennia before that, since humans aren't so very different seen as a whole), and it always, always helps to know you are not the first, you are not the only, and you are not alone in the struggles you're having.
I can't be more generous with my stars for the trepidatious responses outlined above, but combined with appropriate professional consultation I think the information presented here in a highly...almost annoyingly...conversational style bids fair to give the reader a giant gift of feeling Seen and understood.
July 6, 2025
I wanted to read this book because I'm interested in the neuroscience of emotions and I'd never heard of limerence before. I'm glad I got to learn about something new and this put a lot of my friends' behavior in college into perspective, however I had a very hard time staying focused while reading this book. To me, the writing just was not as engaging as it could have been, though perhaps part of the problem is that I don't believe I experience limerence myself. If this was something more applicable to my own life, I think I would have enjoyed the book more.
Still, thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for the ARC!
Still, thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for the ARC!
October 26, 2025
Initially I was very intrigued by the concept of limerence and I also was curious if maybe I could identify with this! This book definitely did help me to identify that I don’t have limerence, but unfortunately that means that about 60% of the book was actually not appealing/helpful for me. I think if you do struggle with limerence, this book could be really helpful for you, but I ended up just skimming through a good bit of it. This is a non-fiction book that reads like a text book, but it’s very well researched and could be very helpful for some people.
Thank you NetGalley and St.Martins for this advanced copy
Thank you NetGalley and St.Martins for this advanced copy
July 31, 2025
Incisive portrait of limerence, an under-researched psychological state of having an intense, crushing addiction to another person. Tom Bellamy's neuroscience angle on it is enlightening, as is his insight from many years running a website where people share their experiences of limerence. The landing's a little soft toward the end, but hopefully this book will spur discussion and legitimize limerence for anyone suspecting it isn't a thing.
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
My thanks to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for an advance copy of this book that looks at the psychology, emotions and feelings that can arise when one becomes infatuated with someone else, what it can do to the mind and the body, and how this blocks people from having stong, healthy relationships.
I don't think I have ever been in love. Well maybe with apple desserts and Star Wars, the movies and books not just Princess Leia in her outfit from Jabba's palace. I have been in serious like with many people, not in a stalker sense, but in way that my heart would jump a little when that person entered the room, or even better would even talk to me about, well anything. I am not good with people, I have known this for a long time, and this has hindered me in many ways with having relationships with others. Not in a stalker-ish sense, more in a well they will notice how much I like them, and maybe one day... This has never happened. What I thought were crushes turns out to be something much more. A real psychological state, one that I never knew existed, and if I had might have made a difference in my life. Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last by Tom Bellamy, Ph.D., is a book that is both a study in psychology, a bit of biography, and a guide to self-help for people to understand what they might be feeling for others, how not to let it overcome their life, and maybe help one find happiness in the future.
The book starts with a conversation between two people on an airplane. A psychologist is sharing her research about love and relationships with another, who seems to be getting more and more annoyed as she listens. Finally the woman says I have never felt anything like this, maybe love is different from person to person. This gave the psychologist Dorothy Tennov an idea. Soon Tennov after research and investigation came up with the psychological idea for Limerence. Limerence is when a person can have a crush, a fixation, an infatuation with a person so strong that it is all consuming, and has a detrimental affect on the person, and their relationships. This can make it hard for a person to understand what they are feeling, cause resentment as they are the only one feeling it, and ruin the happiness they could be feeling, but can't understand why they are stuck. The book is broken into sections, the first part being a look at limerence and the psychology behind it, with examples from patients, the author himself, and other researchers. The second part is a guide to how to deal with limerence, from self-diagnosis, treatment, and how to move on and develop a better idea of what a healthy relationship can be.
I have never heard of the term limerence before, but in taking the quiz at the beginning of the book, I found that this was a good term for how I have thought for quite a bit, actually quite a lot of my life. The book is both a real psychology book, and a self-help, with a little bit of biography detailing the authors own feeling of limerence. The clinical aspect is both interesting and for someone like myself who has wondered why they feel the way they feel about certain people, it is quite reveling. Sometimes awkwardly painfully reveling. There are some good ideas, some helpful suggestions that might help people. The writing is clear, one can easily understand what the author is discussing, and again might be quite an eye-opener for many.
Not the book I expected. My thoughts were that this was a book on well having crushes. I was unaware there was a whole psychological term, nor how it could really affect how a person could grow, find and deal with love, and what else might come from that. A very interesting book, one I wish I had known about many years ago and one that might help a quite a lot of people.
I don't think I have ever been in love. Well maybe with apple desserts and Star Wars, the movies and books not just Princess Leia in her outfit from Jabba's palace. I have been in serious like with many people, not in a stalker sense, but in way that my heart would jump a little when that person entered the room, or even better would even talk to me about, well anything. I am not good with people, I have known this for a long time, and this has hindered me in many ways with having relationships with others. Not in a stalker-ish sense, more in a well they will notice how much I like them, and maybe one day... This has never happened. What I thought were crushes turns out to be something much more. A real psychological state, one that I never knew existed, and if I had might have made a difference in my life. Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last by Tom Bellamy, Ph.D., is a book that is both a study in psychology, a bit of biography, and a guide to self-help for people to understand what they might be feeling for others, how not to let it overcome their life, and maybe help one find happiness in the future.
The book starts with a conversation between two people on an airplane. A psychologist is sharing her research about love and relationships with another, who seems to be getting more and more annoyed as she listens. Finally the woman says I have never felt anything like this, maybe love is different from person to person. This gave the psychologist Dorothy Tennov an idea. Soon Tennov after research and investigation came up with the psychological idea for Limerence. Limerence is when a person can have a crush, a fixation, an infatuation with a person so strong that it is all consuming, and has a detrimental affect on the person, and their relationships. This can make it hard for a person to understand what they are feeling, cause resentment as they are the only one feeling it, and ruin the happiness they could be feeling, but can't understand why they are stuck. The book is broken into sections, the first part being a look at limerence and the psychology behind it, with examples from patients, the author himself, and other researchers. The second part is a guide to how to deal with limerence, from self-diagnosis, treatment, and how to move on and develop a better idea of what a healthy relationship can be.
I have never heard of the term limerence before, but in taking the quiz at the beginning of the book, I found that this was a good term for how I have thought for quite a bit, actually quite a lot of my life. The book is both a real psychology book, and a self-help, with a little bit of biography detailing the authors own feeling of limerence. The clinical aspect is both interesting and for someone like myself who has wondered why they feel the way they feel about certain people, it is quite reveling. Sometimes awkwardly painfully reveling. There are some good ideas, some helpful suggestions that might help people. The writing is clear, one can easily understand what the author is discussing, and again might be quite an eye-opener for many.
Not the book I expected. My thoughts were that this was a book on well having crushes. I was unaware there was a whole psychological term, nor how it could really affect how a person could grow, find and deal with love, and what else might come from that. A very interesting book, one I wish I had known about many years ago and one that might help a quite a lot of people.
November 24, 2025
This was a difficult book for me to review. Starting from what the author himself admits has been a fraught area of academic inquiry - romantic love - and continuing into the fact that I am immediately suspicious of any author who writes a book that makes such heavy references to their own blog or YouTube channel, this book was facing an uphill battle for credulity with me. Throw in the fact that this is the author's first book and I had a difficult time locating his "40+" academic papers through my college's web portal beyond an article in The Observer, and I became a very skeptical reader. That being said, Bellamy is appropriately measured in the book, provides some reasons for why he may be wrong and defends his position, and admits openly that his various sample sizes are rife with selection bias among other things. This went a long way to assuaging my apprehension.
Which is to say, there were some good ideas and insights to be found in this book. Not having experienced "limerence" myself (a sort of overwhelming infatuation), I will admit that some of the content of the book seemed very silly to me. That feeling was tempered as I got further through it and recognized some of the signs of "limerant" behavior in two of my former partners. Realizing that I had likely been their "limerant object" put some aspects of those relationships into a new context for me and I found myself wishing that I'd read this book 15 years ago so that I would be better equipped to understand what they were going through.
The simple fact that I could relate some of the evidence to personal experience means nothing by itself but the insight into those relationships that such ideas provided me are helpful regardless of whether this is "good" or "junk" science. By the end, I couldn't say that I was personally convinced of anything more than that this was an interesting area of research and that I looked forward to seeing whether there was any fruit to be borne of it. Despite the fact that I've never heard of limerence and that many limerent individuals who seek therapy have had therapists and psychologists who'd never heard of limerence either, I was surprised to find that there is a good bit of scholarship on the subject beyond Tennov's original book and Bellamy's latest contribution.
And so I finally come to the same place I imagine many psychologists and other outside observers of limerence have come to before me: I sincerely don't know what to make of the subject matter or this book. The fact that limerence can wreak such havoc on an individual's life makes it worth studying in order to best help people for whom limerence has become a problem. Its place outside of recognized behavioral or mental disorders makes it hard to take as anything other than a character trait and "some people fall in love REAL bad" sounds almost trite in the grand scheme of things.
Despite that, I am inclined to agree with one of the latter chapters of Bellamy's book in which he weirdly chastises psychologists for not knowing about limerence. While the chapter comes off as a bit anti-therapy, his basic assertion is correct: mental health professionals should probably have heard of this at the least. If it is nothing else, it is a useful lens through which to see the difficulties some may suffer because of extreme infatuation.
Ultimately, I would recommend this book for anyone who has suffered from extreme, overwhelming infatuation or has felt that they were ever the subject of extreme, overwhelming infatuation.
Thank you to NetGalley and Macmillan audio for advanced access to this audiobook scheduled to be published February 3, 2026 at time of writing.
Which is to say, there were some good ideas and insights to be found in this book. Not having experienced "limerence" myself (a sort of overwhelming infatuation), I will admit that some of the content of the book seemed very silly to me. That feeling was tempered as I got further through it and recognized some of the signs of "limerant" behavior in two of my former partners. Realizing that I had likely been their "limerant object" put some aspects of those relationships into a new context for me and I found myself wishing that I'd read this book 15 years ago so that I would be better equipped to understand what they were going through.
The simple fact that I could relate some of the evidence to personal experience means nothing by itself but the insight into those relationships that such ideas provided me are helpful regardless of whether this is "good" or "junk" science. By the end, I couldn't say that I was personally convinced of anything more than that this was an interesting area of research and that I looked forward to seeing whether there was any fruit to be borne of it. Despite the fact that I've never heard of limerence and that many limerent individuals who seek therapy have had therapists and psychologists who'd never heard of limerence either, I was surprised to find that there is a good bit of scholarship on the subject beyond Tennov's original book and Bellamy's latest contribution.
And so I finally come to the same place I imagine many psychologists and other outside observers of limerence have come to before me: I sincerely don't know what to make of the subject matter or this book. The fact that limerence can wreak such havoc on an individual's life makes it worth studying in order to best help people for whom limerence has become a problem. Its place outside of recognized behavioral or mental disorders makes it hard to take as anything other than a character trait and "some people fall in love REAL bad" sounds almost trite in the grand scheme of things.
Despite that, I am inclined to agree with one of the latter chapters of Bellamy's book in which he weirdly chastises psychologists for not knowing about limerence. While the chapter comes off as a bit anti-therapy, his basic assertion is correct: mental health professionals should probably have heard of this at the least. If it is nothing else, it is a useful lens through which to see the difficulties some may suffer because of extreme infatuation.
Ultimately, I would recommend this book for anyone who has suffered from extreme, overwhelming infatuation or has felt that they were ever the subject of extreme, overwhelming infatuation.
Thank you to NetGalley and Macmillan audio for advanced access to this audiobook scheduled to be published February 3, 2026 at time of writing.
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
Special thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for a free, electronic ARC of this novel received in exchange for an honest review.
Expected publication date: Feb. 3, 2026
“Limerence”, defined by Dorothy Tennov, the sociologist who coined the term, is a “mental state of profound, involuntary, obsessive, romantic infatuation with another person”. In his book, “Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last”, neuroscientist Tom Bellamy examines this phenomenon, first coined in the 1970s, and looks at it through a modern lens.
Bellamy’s non-fiction book is an examination of love, from those who have experienced limerence and those who have not. The “glimmer”, the initial, powerful connection that we have with a potential partner, is the beginning of limerence and, depending on several factors, including your personality traits, which Bellamy explains in the book, limerence can turn into an obsessive addiction- an addiction to a potential romantic partner, whether they reciprocate or not.
The experience of love is individual, in my opinion, although it shares common factors with much of the human race, regardless of gender or sexuality, but Bellamy uses his neuroscience background to explain how the brain processes feelings of affection, and how limerence can easily turn into addiction. “Smitten” is a book designed for those who tend to fall into the more “obsessive” category of romantic relationships, who find themselves falling for those they can’t have, and whose dedication to their LO (Limerent Object) is beyond next level. Bellamy explains all the physiological characteristics of limerence (I will call it ‘obsessive love’), including tips on how to escape a limerence cycle safely and in a healthy way, for both parties.
It was challenging for me to read this book because I do not believe in the idea of ‘limerence’. Obviously, being in love looks different for many people, and involves an initial rush of infatuation and attraction, but love that turns obsessive is dangerous, for the person who experiences it and the person who is on the receiving end. Giving it a name simplifies it, and makes it seem like it is something completely within the spectrum of love. Bellamy is clear that many people, especially those who don’t experience limerence, feel this way about it, and he obviously doesn’t support illegal or immoral relationships in any capacity, but I felt like he was justifying obsessive love because the obsessed was just “born that way”.
I was intrigued by the neuroscience of love and why we, as humans, seek to mate monogamously for life, and Bellamy does provide that information. But I think I am on the fence on the belief that limerence is actually part of the love spectrum, and Bellamy’s book did not make me a believer.
“Smitten” is an intriguing book for those who tend to fall hard and fast in love and who tend to show inappropriate, obsessive behaviours as Bellamy provides solutions as to how to have healthy, adaptive relationships with others but it doesn’t really resonate with someone like me, who has a “boring and vanilla” type of responsible, comfortable, mature and requited love relationship.
Expected publication date: Feb. 3, 2026
“Limerence”, defined by Dorothy Tennov, the sociologist who coined the term, is a “mental state of profound, involuntary, obsessive, romantic infatuation with another person”. In his book, “Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last”, neuroscientist Tom Bellamy examines this phenomenon, first coined in the 1970s, and looks at it through a modern lens.
Bellamy’s non-fiction book is an examination of love, from those who have experienced limerence and those who have not. The “glimmer”, the initial, powerful connection that we have with a potential partner, is the beginning of limerence and, depending on several factors, including your personality traits, which Bellamy explains in the book, limerence can turn into an obsessive addiction- an addiction to a potential romantic partner, whether they reciprocate or not.
The experience of love is individual, in my opinion, although it shares common factors with much of the human race, regardless of gender or sexuality, but Bellamy uses his neuroscience background to explain how the brain processes feelings of affection, and how limerence can easily turn into addiction. “Smitten” is a book designed for those who tend to fall into the more “obsessive” category of romantic relationships, who find themselves falling for those they can’t have, and whose dedication to their LO (Limerent Object) is beyond next level. Bellamy explains all the physiological characteristics of limerence (I will call it ‘obsessive love’), including tips on how to escape a limerence cycle safely and in a healthy way, for both parties.
It was challenging for me to read this book because I do not believe in the idea of ‘limerence’. Obviously, being in love looks different for many people, and involves an initial rush of infatuation and attraction, but love that turns obsessive is dangerous, for the person who experiences it and the person who is on the receiving end. Giving it a name simplifies it, and makes it seem like it is something completely within the spectrum of love. Bellamy is clear that many people, especially those who don’t experience limerence, feel this way about it, and he obviously doesn’t support illegal or immoral relationships in any capacity, but I felt like he was justifying obsessive love because the obsessed was just “born that way”.
I was intrigued by the neuroscience of love and why we, as humans, seek to mate monogamously for life, and Bellamy does provide that information. But I think I am on the fence on the belief that limerence is actually part of the love spectrum, and Bellamy’s book did not make me a believer.
“Smitten” is an intriguing book for those who tend to fall hard and fast in love and who tend to show inappropriate, obsessive behaviours as Bellamy provides solutions as to how to have healthy, adaptive relationships with others but it doesn’t really resonate with someone like me, who has a “boring and vanilla” type of responsible, comfortable, mature and requited love relationship.
January 18, 2026
Thank you to St. Martin's Press and NetGalley for the ARC of Smitten in exchange for an honest review.
I am usually particular in the non-fiction that I pick up, and let me tell you it is very rarely a self-help book. I don't enjoy being told what to do to make my life better by someone who doesn't know me. I often find the advice given to be either too vague to be achievable or too specific to not apply to me. I will get to the self-help portion of the book a bit later on why it fell so terribly flat for me.
As to why I picked up this book in the first place, it was the description of the word "limerence" - its a word I had never heard before, but after a couple pages in I realized that this concept could potential apply to me. Some of the behavior explained from some limerents in the book I didn't relate to, but others I did. The first few chapters had some interested information, but I found myself feeling that that were was something a bit off and I realized about half way in what that is.
This book relies mainly on a book written in the 70's by a researcher on this topic, some testimonials from self proclaimed limerents, and the author coming to his own conclusions. A lot of the information provided were conclusions that he has come to believe based on these things, and not necessarily any research he has done on his own. I think the "Ph.D" he has prominently on his name in the author section is meant to sway us that what he says is truth because he is a doctor, but looking at his references and research, it is very much a man just telling me what his hypothesis is. The type of language used throughout the book includes words such as "we" and "most of us" and "People do xyz" He uses generalizations constantly throughout the book and that made it feel more like he is guessing than providing us with real research.
I thought from the very beginning that this feels more like a dissertation from a psych student than it does a self-help/non-fiction book written by a neuroscientist. Some of the chapters were incredibly unnecessary in my opinion. Do we really need pages on pages on what friendship is, and long winded descriptions of love songs in media? Much of the middle portions of the book were redundant in the messaging. I kept waiting for him to get to the point. And then, unfortunately, he did.
My hesitations on reading a self help book were validated when I reached Smitten's last chapters.. To explain that limerence, for an entire book, is complicated, instinctual, difficult to navigate to then end your book with advice to "find a purpose" in life is truly the biggest copout. It's not like your readers are purposely living a life that you describe as "a boat drifting" on purpose. Maybe it would be helpful if it was advice given to us in a way that was directive and explained what steps we could take to achieve it. But to tell us "ultimately, the best way to reduce your psychology vulnerability to limerence is to make your life better" felt like a complete smack in the face. Geez, why didn't I think of that? It implies that he thinks all of the limerents he has been spending 200 pages analyzing can easily solve their problems by just getting over it and doing something else with purpose. I'm legitimately offended. This is the exact reason I typically avoid books like this.
I am usually particular in the non-fiction that I pick up, and let me tell you it is very rarely a self-help book. I don't enjoy being told what to do to make my life better by someone who doesn't know me. I often find the advice given to be either too vague to be achievable or too specific to not apply to me. I will get to the self-help portion of the book a bit later on why it fell so terribly flat for me.
As to why I picked up this book in the first place, it was the description of the word "limerence" - its a word I had never heard before, but after a couple pages in I realized that this concept could potential apply to me. Some of the behavior explained from some limerents in the book I didn't relate to, but others I did. The first few chapters had some interested information, but I found myself feeling that that were was something a bit off and I realized about half way in what that is.
This book relies mainly on a book written in the 70's by a researcher on this topic, some testimonials from self proclaimed limerents, and the author coming to his own conclusions. A lot of the information provided were conclusions that he has come to believe based on these things, and not necessarily any research he has done on his own. I think the "Ph.D" he has prominently on his name in the author section is meant to sway us that what he says is truth because he is a doctor, but looking at his references and research, it is very much a man just telling me what his hypothesis is. The type of language used throughout the book includes words such as "we" and "most of us" and "People do xyz" He uses generalizations constantly throughout the book and that made it feel more like he is guessing than providing us with real research.
I thought from the very beginning that this feels more like a dissertation from a psych student than it does a self-help/non-fiction book written by a neuroscientist. Some of the chapters were incredibly unnecessary in my opinion. Do we really need pages on pages on what friendship is, and long winded descriptions of love songs in media? Much of the middle portions of the book were redundant in the messaging. I kept waiting for him to get to the point. And then, unfortunately, he did.
My hesitations on reading a self help book were validated when I reached Smitten's last chapters.. To explain that limerence, for an entire book, is complicated, instinctual, difficult to navigate to then end your book with advice to "find a purpose" in life is truly the biggest copout. It's not like your readers are purposely living a life that you describe as "a boat drifting" on purpose. Maybe it would be helpful if it was advice given to us in a way that was directive and explained what steps we could take to achieve it. But to tell us "ultimately, the best way to reduce your psychology vulnerability to limerence is to make your life better" felt like a complete smack in the face. Geez, why didn't I think of that? It implies that he thinks all of the limerents he has been spending 200 pages analyzing can easily solve their problems by just getting over it and doing something else with purpose. I'm legitimately offended. This is the exact reason I typically avoid books like this.
June 24, 2025
Well, I really could’ve used this book back in the day. Like, a lot. It might’ve saved me from a few heartbreaks (okay, maybe more than a few) and helped me spot the giant waving red flags I somehow managed to miss while floating through one hopeless infatuation after another. If you've ever spiraled into a full blown crush that took over your brain like a rom com villain with a dopamine gun, then yeah, this book gets it.
In Smitten, neuroscientist Dr. Tom Bellamy dives into “limerence,” a term that sounds fancy but basically means “the kind of obsessive, all consuming crush that hijacks your life”. It’s not just butterflies and daydreaming; it’s a legit psychological state, one that can turn into a full blown emotional rollercoaster. Tom Bellamy, a self-confessed serial limerent, brings both personal experience and scientific insight to the table in a way that’s surprisingly relatable and deeply validating.
The first half of the book was really fascinating. The author unpacks how our brains (and specifically, our reward systems) can latch onto someone and refuse to let go. Spoiler: it might go all the way back to our attachment styles with our parents. Turns out, those of us with anxious attachment are more likely to fall into limerence traps. (It's me, hi. I'm the problem, it's me). The mix of personal anecdotes, brain science, and “oh wow, that explains everything” moments really hit home.
The second half shifts more into self-help mode, which I did appreciate. That section dragged a bit for me, but it still has value, especially if you’re currently knee deep in limerence and looking for a way out. The author offers solid tools for breaking the cycle and finding more stable, grounded relationships.
Honestly, if you’ve ever wondered why one look, one smile, or one text can send you into an emotional tailspin, Smitten offers the clarity you didn’t know you needed. It’s like therapy with a side of neuroscience, and a reminder that our brains are sometimes just a little bit dumb when it comes to love.
Thank you to NetGalley, Tom Bellamy, and St. Martin's Essentials for the eARC of this book.
In Smitten, neuroscientist Dr. Tom Bellamy dives into “limerence,” a term that sounds fancy but basically means “the kind of obsessive, all consuming crush that hijacks your life”. It’s not just butterflies and daydreaming; it’s a legit psychological state, one that can turn into a full blown emotional rollercoaster. Tom Bellamy, a self-confessed serial limerent, brings both personal experience and scientific insight to the table in a way that’s surprisingly relatable and deeply validating.
The first half of the book was really fascinating. The author unpacks how our brains (and specifically, our reward systems) can latch onto someone and refuse to let go. Spoiler: it might go all the way back to our attachment styles with our parents. Turns out, those of us with anxious attachment are more likely to fall into limerence traps. (It's me, hi. I'm the problem, it's me). The mix of personal anecdotes, brain science, and “oh wow, that explains everything” moments really hit home.
The second half shifts more into self-help mode, which I did appreciate. That section dragged a bit for me, but it still has value, especially if you’re currently knee deep in limerence and looking for a way out. The author offers solid tools for breaking the cycle and finding more stable, grounded relationships.
Honestly, if you’ve ever wondered why one look, one smile, or one text can send you into an emotional tailspin, Smitten offers the clarity you didn’t know you needed. It’s like therapy with a side of neuroscience, and a reminder that our brains are sometimes just a little bit dumb when it comes to love.
Thank you to NetGalley, Tom Bellamy, and St. Martin's Essentials for the eARC of this book.
January 17, 2026
My therapist recommended this book after a really tough breakup. Don’t wanna get into it too much cause tbh it was a really emotional read for me, but this book was very insightful in helping me identify behavioral patterns in a potential partner I need to be very wary of. Pretty much every item listed in the ‘if your partner does this it will make your life absolutely miserable’ chapters perfectly described my last 2 ex’s so that was great. But then if you are a limerant type of lover, it won’t bother you because you’re always super optimistic in your little haze. But after the fact, you’ll be a mess. Just describes me too much.
There was one point where the author was talking about inconsistent behavior and listed a bunch of things that a partner could say,
“…it can also be expressions of how close they feel to you, or how easy it is to talk with you, or how no one else has made them feel this safe, or special”
Reading that I was like yeah she said literally all of those things like a week before the breakup. Just love it.
One thing I’ll add, is that the author describes limerance as both an acute experience someone can fall into, and a pattern in the way they experience feelings for another. I think in a similar way, the discussions of strategies and thought patterns should be bifurcated between those who chronically experience these types of emotions vs those who acutely end up in these situations.
Anyways, if you’re the type of person that reads the title and description and thinks this book would be applicable to you, I think it’s a really important read just to know yourself a little better, have concrete examples and a framework on what to avoid in dating, and strategies to get out of a pattern where you’re stuck constantly ruminating on a love interest.
8/10
There was one point where the author was talking about inconsistent behavior and listed a bunch of things that a partner could say,
“…it can also be expressions of how close they feel to you, or how easy it is to talk with you, or how no one else has made them feel this safe, or special”
Reading that I was like yeah she said literally all of those things like a week before the breakup. Just love it.
One thing I’ll add, is that the author describes limerance as both an acute experience someone can fall into, and a pattern in the way they experience feelings for another. I think in a similar way, the discussions of strategies and thought patterns should be bifurcated between those who chronically experience these types of emotions vs those who acutely end up in these situations.
Anyways, if you’re the type of person that reads the title and description and thinks this book would be applicable to you, I think it’s a really important read just to know yourself a little better, have concrete examples and a framework on what to avoid in dating, and strategies to get out of a pattern where you’re stuck constantly ruminating on a love interest.
8/10
December 30, 2025
Weird Blend Of Neuroscience And Self-Help Lacks Critically Necessary Documentation. This book is fascinating in a lot of ways, and could genuinely help some people, but its critical flaw is also its biggest: showing up at just 12% documentation - at least in the Advance Review Copy edition I read over a month before publication (and which I've had for several weeks already before getting to it) when you're proposing a novel diagnosis of neuroscience fails the Sagan Standard (extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence) pretty damn badly.
Now, for what the book actually covers... "weird" is actually putting it nicely. This is a novel blend of science and self help unlike any I've ever personally come across, and I read literally hundreds of books per year. (Admittedly across nearly all genres and not just in the neuroscience/ self-help spaces.)
Both the science and the self-help seem reasonable enough to a layman who simply reads a lot, though I'm nearly positive both actual neuroscientists and psychologists may have more choice words and harsher criticism there. But again, the severely lacking documentation, knowing this is such a novel concept... I mean, I only removed one star because that's what I do for lack of documentation, but the case really could be made that the lack of documentation combined with the novel claims here are a much bigger problem than a single star deduction. But read the book for yourself and write your own review and let's see what you think there.
Overall it is an interesting and very easy to read book (at least for those accustomed to reading popular neuroscience type books), I'm just not sure I would trust what it says any further than I could physically throw the book.
Recommended. But think critically about it.
Now, for what the book actually covers... "weird" is actually putting it nicely. This is a novel blend of science and self help unlike any I've ever personally come across, and I read literally hundreds of books per year. (Admittedly across nearly all genres and not just in the neuroscience/ self-help spaces.)
Both the science and the self-help seem reasonable enough to a layman who simply reads a lot, though I'm nearly positive both actual neuroscientists and psychologists may have more choice words and harsher criticism there. But again, the severely lacking documentation, knowing this is such a novel concept... I mean, I only removed one star because that's what I do for lack of documentation, but the case really could be made that the lack of documentation combined with the novel claims here are a much bigger problem than a single star deduction. But read the book for yourself and write your own review and let's see what you think there.
Overall it is an interesting and very easy to read book (at least for those accustomed to reading popular neuroscience type books), I'm just not sure I would trust what it says any further than I could physically throw the book.
Recommended. But think critically about it.
November 7, 2025
Thank you NetGalley for giving me the opportunity to review this audiobook!
Limernce, the science of infatuated love. I definitely feel limernce, which I've always called "new relationship energy"/ NRE, and I've joked that it can be addictive. Like eating a cocaine-laced cupcake -- I feel high, excited, and bouncy -- yet it can be equal parts lovely and devastating. I didn't know that other people don't feel this!
The question posed, is limernce a mental disorder is also an interesting one. It absolutely can distract a person from real life, maybe even in a detrimental way, but it is also usually fleeting/ temporary.
One of my only questions I wish was investigated further in this text was that they claim limerance can only be experienced with 1 person at a time, but I was left wondering if they studied polyamorous people at all in this studies? I just don't think that this claim is necessarily is true of all people. If limerance can technically last up to or beyond a full year, it is very possibly for a poly person to be in the middle of limerance with one partner and start it with another. Maybe unlikely, but the book claims it's impossible. I'd love further study into this phenomenon with folks who identify as polyam/ ethically non-monogamous.
As a self-identified Limernt, this was very interesting and inspired a lot of self reflection. Great book for people who love big and love hard!
Limernce, the science of infatuated love. I definitely feel limernce, which I've always called "new relationship energy"/ NRE, and I've joked that it can be addictive. Like eating a cocaine-laced cupcake -- I feel high, excited, and bouncy -- yet it can be equal parts lovely and devastating. I didn't know that other people don't feel this!
The question posed, is limernce a mental disorder is also an interesting one. It absolutely can distract a person from real life, maybe even in a detrimental way, but it is also usually fleeting/ temporary.
One of my only questions I wish was investigated further in this text was that they claim limerance can only be experienced with 1 person at a time, but I was left wondering if they studied polyamorous people at all in this studies? I just don't think that this claim is necessarily is true of all people. If limerance can technically last up to or beyond a full year, it is very possibly for a poly person to be in the middle of limerance with one partner and start it with another. Maybe unlikely, but the book claims it's impossible. I'd love further study into this phenomenon with folks who identify as polyam/ ethically non-monogamous.
As a self-identified Limernt, this was very interesting and inspired a lot of self reflection. Great book for people who love big and love hard!
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
Smitten by Tom Bellamy, Ph.D. explores the concept of limerence, which is an intense, involuntary emotional and psychological state of infatuation or obsession with another person. I had only recently heard of limerence in the last few years, so I was intrigued to pick up this audiobook. Some of the descriptions felt spot on to my own experiences, which was validating and a little uncanny.
I appreciated the personal touches drawn from the author’s blog that showcased community and shared experiences around limerence. One quote that stood out to me was, “Unfortunately, limerents can often be all too eager to share their secrets as a way of bonding and showing trust,” which helped characterize some of the personality traits and relational patterns common among limerents. It was also interesting to learn that individuals with anxious attachment styles are more likely to experience limerence, and I can definitely add myself to that statistic (ha!).
Since I listened to the audiobook, I was unable to view any sources that were hopefully included in the print version, and I would be especially interested in seeing additional peer-reviewed research from the author.
The narrator, John Hopkins, has a mesmerizing voice, though like many nonfiction audiobooks, it could occasionally lull me to sleep if I was listening too late. Overall, this was an enlightening and validating listen for anyone curious about limerence or their own patterns in attachment and attraction.
I appreciated the personal touches drawn from the author’s blog that showcased community and shared experiences around limerence. One quote that stood out to me was, “Unfortunately, limerents can often be all too eager to share their secrets as a way of bonding and showing trust,” which helped characterize some of the personality traits and relational patterns common among limerents. It was also interesting to learn that individuals with anxious attachment styles are more likely to experience limerence, and I can definitely add myself to that statistic (ha!).
Since I listened to the audiobook, I was unable to view any sources that were hopefully included in the print version, and I would be especially interested in seeing additional peer-reviewed research from the author.
The narrator, John Hopkins, has a mesmerizing voice, though like many nonfiction audiobooks, it could occasionally lull me to sleep if I was listening too late. Overall, this was an enlightening and validating listen for anyone curious about limerence or their own patterns in attachment and attraction.
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