Matched: A Memoir

by Denise Massar

When their adoption attorney told Denise and her husband that they would be responsible for finding a woman willing to give them her baby, Denise was horrified. But horrified quickly turned into obsessed.

She advertised across the country, fielding and vetting potential birth moms by phone. The first to contact Denise had been raped, twice. Ashamed and depressed, she spent her pregnancy doing coke and drinking vodka to knock herself out. "Do you want to adopt my baby?" she asked. The director of a women's shelter housing victims of human trafficking asked Denise, "Would you have a problem adopting a baby born of prostitution?" Denise knew she wouldn't, but what would her husband say?

The eight birth moms Denise met during her search – one an unhoused twenty-year-old, another an MBA-holding executive – changed her life forever, leading her not only to her child, but, in a twist of fate, to the one woman Denise thought she'd never Her own birth mom.

Matched is first and foremost a book for memoir lovers. It's also a love letter to anyone touched by adoption---whatever your place in the adoptee, birth parent, or adoptive parent, you'll find your story within these pages. Adoption is beautiful. It's also problematic. Massar invites you to ride shotgun on her not-for-social-media journey, because real is so much better than perfect.

“Candid and moving, witty and fierce, Matched is addictive reading.”
--Ben Barnz, author of An Adoption and a Memoir

Genres: Memoir

288 pages, Paperback

Published August 13, 2024

Reviews

[Liz Haefele · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love a great memoir and this one fits the bill. The author’s writing style is so familiar and engaging it feels like she is sharing her story of adoption over a cup of coffee, or glass of wine. She is raw, and exceedingly honest at certain junctures which made me go back to say”wait, did she just write that?” This author is a wonderful story teller! I learned so much not only about the process of modern day adoption, but about the emotional roller coaster that occurs while getting approved to adopt and while waiting for the birth mom to pick you! Throughout the story, the author is vulnerable and does a beautiful job bringing her family and friends to life. You are rooting for this family throughout!

While the target audience is most likely readers considering adoption, honestly this book is for everyone as Massar weaves a story of family, determination, and true love.

[Cheryl Klein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Massar's candid, funny, and vulnerable memoir is a page-turner; I'm an adoptive mom, which gave me a personal stake in her journey to adopt, but I think most readers would feel the same. Will the mother of her eventual child be Lorraine, who already has a young daughter and lots of baby-daddy drama, or one of the many other women whose lives intersect with Massar's?

With a background in sales and marketing, Massar approaches adoption with a mother's heart and a businesswoman's drive. She writes letters, she networks, she seizes opportunities, she eyes the competition. This approach may read as calculating to those unfamiliar with the adoption process, but I would ask readers to interrogate any aversion. Does motherhood have to be soft, feminine, and borderline accidental? Or can it be full-throated, determined, and savvy?

You know the speech that America Ferrera gives in the Barbie Movie? About how women are damned if they do, damned if they don't? The same is true for adoptive mothers (and fathers...but especially mothers), and Massar gets to the heart of that: They're counseled that no adoption situation is perfect—they should understand that the birth mother is in crisis, be open to drug and alcohol use, be open to outlandish expenses, etc.—but if (when) a situation doesn't work out, well, it's because they took a risk.

Massar addresses the structural bizarreness of the adoption world, like the fact that Black babies are cheaper to adopt than any other race, and puts explicit dollar amounts on the many costs associated with private adoption (very little of which finds its way to birth mothers). At the same time, she recognizes her limits as a mother and narrator. She is not prepared to take on the challenges of a drug-exposed baby. She does not go too deep into the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" of the industry.

But as an adoptee herself, Massar knows the kinds of questions her child may one day have, and the adoption process inevitably stirs up feelings to which she hadn't devoted full attention previously. This aspect of the memoir is especially poignant and unique. Adoptees are the corner of the "adoption triangle" who have the least say in the beginning, but that's all the more reason to listen to adult adoptees. Massar ultimately falls in the "both/and" camp: She loves her adoptive family and doesn't describe a "primal wound" per se, but there is some kind of wound, which opens and begins to heal over the course of her loving, well structured, straight-shooting book.

[Michele Blanchard · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was honored to receive an advanced copy of Matched: A Memoir so that I could post a review when it was released. I was hooked from the first page and thoroughly enjoyed this book!

Denise Massar narrates her story of her path to adoption in a captivating voice. Her descriptive writing style shows her sense of humor, humility, and cleverness. She keeps the ugly truths in the details. She lets us in on her fears and scary thoughts as she navigates the process of adopting a baby. I was blown away learning about things like a Dear Birth Mom Letter (DBML) and all the hoops and hurdles families must go through. It was a roller coaster of emotions reading along her family’s journey. It was awe-inspiring her honesty and generosity in telling the story.

I would highly recommend Matched to anyone interested in learning about adoption, whether they know families with adopted children or are looking to adopt themselves. It is also a great book club choice as it will invite conversations about our childhoods and mom journeys. I will be sharing this book with friends and family! I look forward to reading more by this author!

[Tiffany J McLay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was completely raw, heartbreaking, and absolutely wonderful.

Denise Massar writes beautifully, and at points, I felt like I was her best friend, whom she was venting to in a passionate and truthful way.

I have not adopted, and I am not an adoptee, but parts of this memoir spoke to me as someone who was told I most likely would not be able to have my second child. The jealousy and anger the author experienced when seeing birth mothers was a feeling I was very familiar with. Reading about how others have/had that feeling was therapeutic.

This is a must-read and makes me want to read even more memoirs.

[Maddy Sweeney · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Matched" by Denise Massar is an absolutely captivating memoir that took me on an emotional rollercoaster (in a good way). From the very first page, I was hooked by Denise's raw, honest storytelling. She shares her deeply personal journey of adopting her son and discovering her own birth mother, and she doesn't hold back on expressing the real, raw emotions that come with such experiences.

Denise says things that everyone in her situation probably thinks but no one wants to admit, making her story refreshingly authentic and relatable. Even though I’ve never had a child or been involved in the adoption process, she made me feel deeply connected to her journey. I laughed, I cried, and I got chills on multiple occasions.

Her ability to convey such a beautiful, raw narrative while being completely honest about herself and her life is truly remarkable. I see myself in Denise. She is relatable, and her story will resonate with anyone who has ever faced the complexities of family, relationships, and/or adoption.

"Matched" is a must-read for anyone looking for a memoir that speaks to the heart with honesty and grace. Denise’s story will stay with you long after you turn the last page. I highly recommend this book to anyone!

[Heather Spears · Rating 5 out of 5]

Adoption has always been something I knew little about. While I’ve seen friends go through the process and knew it was challenging, reading "Matched" gave me a much deeper understanding of the complexities involved— the stress, the endless paperwork, and the emotional highs and lows. Denise has a remarkable talent for weaving humor and wit into what must have been an incredibly intense experience. Her vivid descriptions of her journey, along with her candid inner dialogue, make the story come alive. The way she tells her story, packed with detail, wit, and emotion, made it impossible to put down. I devoured it in just two days! I’m so thankful that she chose to share this journey with us.

[Megan Basalla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Matched is a beautifully intimate memoir about one woman’s journey through adoption—both as an adoptee and an adopter.

This book feels like spending time with a friend. Denise Massar writes with honesty and a profound understanding of life's complexities, capturing how our emotions often defy logic and how we can still show up in those unexpected places for the better. This book reminded me that our messy lives, feelings, dreams, and disappointments are all beautiful and can lead to wonderful things. Any lover of memoir and those with an interest in adoption, stories of womanhood, motherhood, or just books in general will instantly love Matched.

[Stacy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished this book in two days. It was that good! It had me laughing out loud, tearing up a bit, and rooting for the author and her family the whole way through.

This book is raw, gritty, funny, genuine, interesting, and a real page turner. Denise tells it like it is, good bad and ugly and I love her for it.

I learned a lot about adoption and her writing style was educational and not preachy.

Pick up this book, you won’t be disappointed.

[David Sexton · Rating 5 out of 5]

So relatable !

So much of this book is relatable as I am an adoptive mom too. Denise does a great job taking the reader on the journey of looking for that match with an expecting mom wanting to make an adoption plan. Denise is candid and honest and does not hold back even with sharing uncomfortable thoughts. Told with humor and truth. I recommend to anyone who is curious about adoption.

[Joe Butler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vivid, raw, and captivating! Denise Massar shares her personal journey while simultaneously shining a light into the sometimes unpleasant shadows of our current adoption system. It's not always a pretty place but some great things come out of it. Whether your life has been touched by adoption or you want enlightment, this is a worthwile read.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible story of a journey to adopt a child and a story of a woman's journey in finding her own birth mother. Raw, honest, and brilliant. I couldn't put it down. Can't wait to read more from Denise!!

[Angela Turcotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved it. I laughed. I smiled. I reflected. I had to put it down, so no one saw me cry. I couldn’t wait for the next page. It answered all the questions I had as the story moved forward. I haven’t read anything like this before.

[Alex Montgomery · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hard to put down gem about the many sides of adoption. Even though it’s about adoption, it’s really about life, family, the decisions we all make and what perspective we choose - and there’s nothing more compelling than that.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I laughed. I cried. I cringed.
I empathized and sympathized.
At times I thought we may have been married to the same man.
Such a great read for anyone who loves an honest memoir.
A healing read for anyone with a connection to adoption.
I can't wait to read the next one!

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Completely enjoyed this quick read. Highly recommend.