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The Value of Others
Understanding the Economic Model of Relationships to Get (and Keep) More of What You Want in the Sexual Marketplace
If everyone is looking to secure a relationship with their perceived best option, then the perception of value must be at the heart of human coupling. In this groundbreaking work, psychologist Orion Taraban sets forth his economic model of relationships, and exposes the often uncomfortable laws that govern the sexual marketplace. After reading The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again.
Orion Taraban, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the creator of PsycHacks, a popular podcast devoted to relationships and personal development. He lives in Napa, California.
If everyone is looking to secure a relationship with their perceived best option, then the perception of value must be at the heart of human coupling. In this groundbreaking work, psychologist Orion Taraban sets forth his economic model of relationships, and exposes the often uncomfortable laws that govern the sexual marketplace. After reading The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again.
Orion Taraban, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the creator of PsycHacks, a popular podcast devoted to relationships and personal development. He lives in Napa, California.
432 pages, Paperback
Published July 10, 2024
654 people are currently reading
1924 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 135 reviews
August 30, 2024
I came across the author on social media, where he gives manosphere influenced relationship advice. If you are familiar with the manosphere much of the book is repackaged talking points fleshed out by the author's opinions.
I think relationship books can foster good discussion. However, I'm not really sure who the audience is for this book. He tosses around the term high value quite a bit without giving a good definition. Wealth might be one attribute of a high value man. I imagine truly wealthy men would be a very small percentage of the readership. I suspect much of the readership is males over 30 that have been spinning their wheels in the relationship department.
He uses old manosphere themes of women having "market value". Women are told they should lock down a successful "high value" man in their twenties--he suggests such a man might be 10+ years older. He doesn't give data on how many couples are in such arrangements, nor the success of such arrangements. He suggests women should begin the job of acquiring the high value man between ages 18-25. 18 year old women that are just graduating from high school---such a bizarre take.
Taraban talks about the costs of relationships. There is a thread of bitterness woven through these discussions. He talks about the high cost men must pay to date or access sex, such as taking a woman to dinner. He seems oblivious about the costs for women, such as the time and money to be conventionally attractive. While Taraban does mention pregnancy a few times, he seems mostly clueless to this potential cost for women. Side effects from contraceptives, health issues from a potential pregnancy or potentially raising a child on your own are just some of the costs of being sexually active. In our current political landscape these costs are becoming higher and higher, even in the context of marriage, when women can't access appropriate medical care.
There seems to be bitterness on the part of the author about putting time and money into a relationship to access sex. He states, "Few activities are less likely to lead to a sexual encounter than drinking caffeine in a brightly lit cafe at 11:oo am --which is precisely why women who are trying to exchange the most resources for the least amount of sexual opportunity, are so fond of the idea" What an entitled, laughable and clueless statement. He really begrudges the cost of a coffee so much that he thinks a woman is ..trying to extract resources? As with other relationship books, where was this guy's editor in cautioning him this statement was problematic? But if you agree with his take on the coffee date, you likely have much bigger problems beyond what the manosphere promises it can solve.
There were other problematic takes in the book that I wanted to include, but time limits me. I'll end with this odd quote "Most women would rather occasionally share a Porsche than own a Honda"
I think relationship books can foster good discussion. However, I'm not really sure who the audience is for this book. He tosses around the term high value quite a bit without giving a good definition. Wealth might be one attribute of a high value man. I imagine truly wealthy men would be a very small percentage of the readership. I suspect much of the readership is males over 30 that have been spinning their wheels in the relationship department.
He uses old manosphere themes of women having "market value". Women are told they should lock down a successful "high value" man in their twenties--he suggests such a man might be 10+ years older. He doesn't give data on how many couples are in such arrangements, nor the success of such arrangements. He suggests women should begin the job of acquiring the high value man between ages 18-25. 18 year old women that are just graduating from high school---such a bizarre take.
Taraban talks about the costs of relationships. There is a thread of bitterness woven through these discussions. He talks about the high cost men must pay to date or access sex, such as taking a woman to dinner. He seems oblivious about the costs for women, such as the time and money to be conventionally attractive. While Taraban does mention pregnancy a few times, he seems mostly clueless to this potential cost for women. Side effects from contraceptives, health issues from a potential pregnancy or potentially raising a child on your own are just some of the costs of being sexually active. In our current political landscape these costs are becoming higher and higher, even in the context of marriage, when women can't access appropriate medical care.
There seems to be bitterness on the part of the author about putting time and money into a relationship to access sex. He states, "Few activities are less likely to lead to a sexual encounter than drinking caffeine in a brightly lit cafe at 11:oo am --which is precisely why women who are trying to exchange the most resources for the least amount of sexual opportunity, are so fond of the idea" What an entitled, laughable and clueless statement. He really begrudges the cost of a coffee so much that he thinks a woman is ..trying to extract resources? As with other relationship books, where was this guy's editor in cautioning him this statement was problematic? But if you agree with his take on the coffee date, you likely have much bigger problems beyond what the manosphere promises it can solve.
There were other problematic takes in the book that I wanted to include, but time limits me. I'll end with this odd quote "Most women would rather occasionally share a Porsche than own a Honda"
December 11, 2024
The author has his own troubled preconceptions about men and women and he uses this book to justify those preconceptions. He shapes the book around a toxic, designed-to-fail system (the "trad" model where a woman's idealized role is to be an indentured servant to a man) versus having any quality ideas or clarity about the relationship dynamics he purports to know so much about. His advice is bad advice that will further its recipients into this designed-to-fail, predatory system. There isn't academic study, rigor, peer review, or quality thought put into the ideas in this book. This book is designed to prey upon red pill subscribers to funnel them into paying for consultations at $800/hr with the author. It's exploitative.
He dehumanizes and writes with such deep bitterness and disdain surrounding women that it's unfortunate that this book is in circulation. He assumes, treats, and writes about women as dehumanized, physical objects of men's desire who should "hope" to become a man's indentured servant through childcare, cooking, cleaning, maintaining a home for him, being pleasant, supporting him, being as "slutty" as possible for him if they are able to "catch" a high valued man in the first place via sex. Oh - women are also "used goods" and unattractive if they also aren't teens or early 20s.
He assumes men cannot possibly be wanted, only ever needed, which is classic red pill, incel ideology. If men can only be in a relationship or get what they want from women (per this author, sex with as many women as possible) through overt manipulation and control, that type of man should not be dating and should instead spend his efforts to learn how to recognize and treat other human beings. You might imagine that same type of man can only partially succeed at getting what they want from the most inexperienced, most vulnerable population of women - teens and early 20 somethings.
He dehumanizes and writes with such deep bitterness and disdain surrounding women that it's unfortunate that this book is in circulation. He assumes, treats, and writes about women as dehumanized, physical objects of men's desire who should "hope" to become a man's indentured servant through childcare, cooking, cleaning, maintaining a home for him, being pleasant, supporting him, being as "slutty" as possible for him if they are able to "catch" a high valued man in the first place via sex. Oh - women are also "used goods" and unattractive if they also aren't teens or early 20s.
He assumes men cannot possibly be wanted, only ever needed, which is classic red pill, incel ideology. If men can only be in a relationship or get what they want from women (per this author, sex with as many women as possible) through overt manipulation and control, that type of man should not be dating and should instead spend his efforts to learn how to recognize and treat other human beings. You might imagine that same type of man can only partially succeed at getting what they want from the most inexperienced, most vulnerable population of women - teens and early 20 somethings.
September 28, 2024
DNF around 20%. This is a relationship worldview for analytical thinkers, but as an analytical thinker myself, I really don’t want to categorize human beings into groups of value adding and no value adding. Yes, the process might happen automatically, but I think it is dangerous to approach relationships in a strictly transactional way. Regardless, it was a good reminder to work on myself and make myself more attractive.
July 19, 2024
I've been following Orion's content for about 2 years now, and I can confidently say that he knows what he's talking about. Very simple, yet insightful glimpse onto the nature of relationships. Everyone should read this book, and seriously ponder on its content.
I also feel like it does a decently good job at not alienating women who might be reading, which is usually rather difficult to do nowadays, since the zeitgeist is very much encouraging the total, uncritical acceptance of whatever women's behavior is.
Most men will have already gotten to some of Orion's conclusions via intuition, and I am certain that applies to many women as well, but the real value lies in the framework which he proposes.
His analysis is sharp and concise, with many practical considerations.
I maybe would've liked to have my mind a bit more blown, but there's only so much you can say about dating, relationships and the current condition of what he calls the sexual marketplace.
Overall a solid 10!
I also feel like it does a decently good job at not alienating women who might be reading, which is usually rather difficult to do nowadays, since the zeitgeist is very much encouraging the total, uncritical acceptance of whatever women's behavior is.
Most men will have already gotten to some of Orion's conclusions via intuition, and I am certain that applies to many women as well, but the real value lies in the framework which he proposes.
His analysis is sharp and concise, with many practical considerations.
I maybe would've liked to have my mind a bit more blown, but there's only so much you can say about dating, relationships and the current condition of what he calls the sexual marketplace.
Overall a solid 10!
September 26, 2024
A baseless and assumptive book that takes movies and metaphors as fact and supporting evidence to back orions theories. It's poor fiction masquerading as academia.
January 5, 2025
There is a mix of some really good advice mixed in with some not so good advice. While it is always important to critically evaluate what you read, I think it is crucial to do so when reading this book.As I was reading, I noticed that there is a lot of the author’s personal beliefs showing through, especially in the last two chapters, which he tries to sell unto the reader as if it were facts. I didn't agree with a lot of his conclusions and I found his view to be somewhat pessimistic and jaded. I especially didn't like how he views marriage. Having said this, there a few nuggets of solid advice to be gleaned from it if you can get past the not so useful parts. I like his idea of showing people what your day to day life is like and see if they can integrate into it rather than just you showing what you think the other person wants to see or just doing conventional dates. Word of advice: Take EVERYTHING he says with a grain of salt.
July 22, 2024
This should be required reading in high school and then again every five years. Matter of fact presentation with strong foundational principles. Excellent!
July 25, 2024
I have been a fan of Dr. Orion Taraban's Youtube videos for the past year, and like his talks, this is a masterpiece. This is a well thought-out theory that can only be accepted by those who are emotionally mature enough to accept it. I consider this book to be the "Truth", and I am grateful to have read it.
December 20, 2024
A non-evidence-based pontifical economic model that ignores a key motivation for male and female actors alike: companionship.
July 20, 2025
Deeply troubling. Deeply chauvinistic. Excludes all relationships that are not heterosexual. Deeply sad, reductionist view of how we relate to other people.
I understand marketplace forces and value and the undeniable effects these have on our lives, but choose abundance over scarcity mindset, solidarity over tribalism.
It’s important to engage views that are different from our own, and I don’t regret reading this because now I can share dialogue that presents compassionate resistance to ideas in this book which support male supremacy and the oppression of women (to say nothing of other gender identities).
Anyone who struggled to read this, and even more people who felt affirmed by this book—my suggestion for you is to read adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism and Emergent Strategy. These present profoundly hopefully visions of the world that center care for others and ourselves. Visions I want to and work to uphold.
I understand marketplace forces and value and the undeniable effects these have on our lives, but choose abundance over scarcity mindset, solidarity over tribalism.
It’s important to engage views that are different from our own, and I don’t regret reading this because now I can share dialogue that presents compassionate resistance to ideas in this book which support male supremacy and the oppression of women (to say nothing of other gender identities).
Anyone who struggled to read this, and even more people who felt affirmed by this book—my suggestion for you is to read adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism and Emergent Strategy. These present profoundly hopefully visions of the world that center care for others and ourselves. Visions I want to and work to uphold.
April 20, 2025
I imagine this is the Bible for virgin men who hate women. If you're looking for a book that promotes the objectification of women and offers a nihilistic view of relationships, this is it. All jokes aside, the number of contradictions and holes in the author's argument makes the condescending tone even more unbearable. Sad that I supported it by buying it.
December 21, 2024
A thought provoking book with interesting frameworks. Some chapters are very Andrew Tate-esque however the others make this book worth a read.
October 8, 2024
The concept of the book is interesting, but he could have said that in 150 pages the rest was him trying to sound too smart or deep..
May 11, 2025
While consistent in its base assumptions, many relationship phenomena are not correctly captured in purely economic models and his conclusions often overreach.
June 14, 2025
Got this as an Audiobook and it was a STRUGGLE to listen to.
Essentially a book on how attractive is perceived to work between HETERO pairs.
Women are only sexually and baby making attractive to men
Men are only attractive to women for what they can provide.
You have to something that another wants, if you don't they won't find you attractive. If you did and then gave it they can find you unattractive Ex: woman desired for ability to breed, has kids no longer attractive; man has ability to fund woman's life, funds it and now she has what she wants no longer attracted to man.
Meh at best
Essentially a book on how attractive is perceived to work between HETERO pairs.
Women are only sexually and baby making attractive to men
Men are only attractive to women for what they can provide.
You have to something that another wants, if you don't they won't find you attractive. If you did and then gave it they can find you unattractive Ex: woman desired for ability to breed, has kids no longer attractive; man has ability to fund woman's life, funds it and now she has what she wants no longer attracted to man.
Meh at best
August 5, 2024
A must read for everyone
An excellent exploration of the relationship landscape. I agree with the notion that alternatives to traditional marriage or how we conduct our relationships are coming to the fore but still see lots of resistance. It seems inevitable though. An area not addressed in the book is how the model relates to the older generation of men and women.
An excellent exploration of the relationship landscape. I agree with the notion that alternatives to traditional marriage or how we conduct our relationships are coming to the fore but still see lots of resistance. It seems inevitable though. An area not addressed in the book is how the model relates to the older generation of men and women.
May 2, 2025
While I don’t necessarily agree with many of the authors theories, he does offer an interesting perspective on a variety of topics. I believe the book is worth reading even if it is just to challenge your own personal beliefs.
April 12, 2025
Spent most of this audiobook rolling my eyes and scoffing. Blatantly sexist views. I would say it gets 1.5 stars because there were moments of wisdom and insight hidden in the mess. Also very pseudo scientific and it made me very pessimistic about the world.
December 7, 2024
Optimizing relationships is the most relevant yet under appreciated economic problem facing the developed world. Rising material abundance and economic freedom for women have left many asking "what do I need a man for?"
What I learned:
1. Dating apps have decreased the price men are willing to pay for sex (commitment) while increasing the price women are willing to accept, leading to both fewer short-term and long-term relationships.
2. The previous models no longer work and each gender would benefit from adapting to the new sexual marketplace and optimizing their strategy.
3. "Love has nothing to do with marriage."
Marriage provides a stable context for raising children. Nothing else. People have grown to expect their spouse to occupy too many peripheral roles. The end of marriage should be celebrated as "completing the mission" of raising children.
What I learned:
1. Dating apps have decreased the price men are willing to pay for sex (commitment) while increasing the price women are willing to accept, leading to both fewer short-term and long-term relationships.
2. The previous models no longer work and each gender would benefit from adapting to the new sexual marketplace and optimizing their strategy.
3. "Love has nothing to do with marriage."
Marriage provides a stable context for raising children. Nothing else. People have grown to expect their spouse to occupy too many peripheral roles. The end of marriage should be celebrated as "completing the mission" of raising children.
June 15, 2025
insightful; the read was supposed to be premised on economics but the "ship", "captain", and "passenger" metaphors make it hard to follow. For more on sexual marketplace econ in dating Charlotte’s Game: The secret strategies of modern dating, why we play them, and how to disarm the battle of the sexes
December 23, 2025
Orion puts out a very economic model of relationships. However, he keeps it at a very high level of abstraction, his defence being that in doing so he does not get bogged down by largely irrelevant details that might undermine his case. So really avoiding any details or super concrete examples, which is mildly annoying, because abstractions also afford him a framing which is hard to disprove - without specificity it's like reading the horoscope. You can just as easily read a horoscope and think "oh this hits home!"
Regardless, begrudgingly, I think I agree with most of it. So 4 stars.
Regardless, begrudgingly, I think I agree with most of it. So 4 stars.
May 20, 2025
A few points he makes are interesting and even helpful. But the overall philosophy of the book is just a doubling down of postmodern stupidity. More perversion will not fix society's sexual and marital problems...
February 2, 2026
Some useful psychological insights used as fuel for immoral advice. The transactional view of relationships may motivate some “self-improvement” and promote a slower, more sober courtship, but ultimately, without grace, it is not enough to sustain a nutritive and mutually edifying/sanctifying union. True love does exist. It exists as exemplified through its Christian perfection. It exists through the sacramental nature of marriage. It exists through the gift of grace which God bestows upon those willing to open their hearts to and follow Him. If you look, you shall find examples of such holy and happy marriages that prove that the Catholic ideal is no farce but, at its best, a road to sanctity that rivals monastic and religious life. As I said, there are some useful psychological insights in this book that are compatible with the Christian ideal…yet, if you are curious about a book like this, be sure to have studied the theology of Christian marriage thoroughly first.
August 7, 2025
What a snoozer! There may be some good insights in this book, but they are buried under layers of over-analysis. I could not get through chapter 1's "People want this, but only if its like this, not like this, then that leads to the problem of this," blah blah blah blah blah. This is supposed to be about relationships, not economics. Taraban uses big words to sound smart, but rather than making me want to read more, it makes me want to go to bed. Just get to the point already!
December 19, 2024
Nie je to tak dávno, čo som sa o Orionovi Tarabanovi dozvedela cez jeho Youtube kanál Psychacks. Veľmi, veľmi zaujímavé videá o vzťahoch. Takže som sa rozhodla prečítať si aj jeho knižku.
Podtitul knižky začína slovami Pochopenie ekonomického modelu vzťahov. V podstate ide o to, že každý sexuálny vzťah je transakčný.
Ak sa vám nepáči táto myšlienka, slová tohoto psychológa zrejme nebude pre vás. Pretože on hovorí o vzťahoch skutočne z praktického a logického hľadiska, nie z romantického a idealistického.
Pre mňa je to veľmi čerstvý pohľad, ktorý mi pomohol pozrieť sa na vzťahy novými očami, z pre mňa úplne nových uhlov.
Avšak, táto kniha ma do určitej miery sklamala. Pretože som zvyknutá na jeho videá, som zvyknutá na rozhovory s ním a som zvyknutá na to, že svoje myšlienky prezentuje veľmi zrozumiteľne, aby to pochopil každý. Tu je kopec komplikovaných slov a neprišlo mi to až tak vhodné pre širokú verejnosť. A to som asi nikdy nepočúvala audioknihu tak pomaly a aj tak som kopec veciam nepochopila.
Vďaka tomu, že už som videla celkom dosť jeho contentu a ten v knihe sa od jeho ostatných obsahovo výrazne nelíši, nie som si istá či je potrebné po nej siahať. Je v nej veľa zaujímavých informácii, určite som sa toho kopec dozvedela, ale povedala by som, že videá tu stačia.
Zároveň neviem komu by som ich odporučila, pretože predpokladám, že väčšina ľudí s ním súhlasiť nebude.
Ale ja som rada, že som si opäť rozšírila svoje znalosti a neľutujem žiaden čas s ňou strávený.
Podtitul knižky začína slovami Pochopenie ekonomického modelu vzťahov. V podstate ide o to, že každý sexuálny vzťah je transakčný.
Ak sa vám nepáči táto myšlienka, slová tohoto psychológa zrejme nebude pre vás. Pretože on hovorí o vzťahoch skutočne z praktického a logického hľadiska, nie z romantického a idealistického.
Pre mňa je to veľmi čerstvý pohľad, ktorý mi pomohol pozrieť sa na vzťahy novými očami, z pre mňa úplne nových uhlov.
Avšak, táto kniha ma do určitej miery sklamala. Pretože som zvyknutá na jeho videá, som zvyknutá na rozhovory s ním a som zvyknutá na to, že svoje myšlienky prezentuje veľmi zrozumiteľne, aby to pochopil každý. Tu je kopec komplikovaných slov a neprišlo mi to až tak vhodné pre širokú verejnosť. A to som asi nikdy nepočúvala audioknihu tak pomaly a aj tak som kopec veciam nepochopila.
Vďaka tomu, že už som videla celkom dosť jeho contentu a ten v knihe sa od jeho ostatných obsahovo výrazne nelíši, nie som si istá či je potrebné po nej siahať. Je v nej veľa zaujímavých informácii, určite som sa toho kopec dozvedela, ale povedala by som, že videá tu stačia.
Zároveň neviem komu by som ich odporučila, pretože predpokladám, že väčšina ľudí s ním súhlasiť nebude.
Ale ja som rada, že som si opäť rozšírila svoje znalosti a neľutujem žiaden čas s ňou strávený.
January 31, 2025
I love behavioral economics and enjoyed this book as a simplified and honest dissection of modern dating. Taraban defends his explanations with pessimistic logic, but I had a hard time finding arguments to which I disagreed, however uncomfortable the truths made me feel.
If read early enough in life, this book would be a helpful guide to strategizing a life that optimizes your chances in the dating marketplace, if that is what you are looking for. Still, I am glad I came across this book rather too late, after pursuing a worthwhile career which I could not have achieved if I had wholly followed Taraban's advice.
If read early enough in life, this book would be a helpful guide to strategizing a life that optimizes your chances in the dating marketplace, if that is what you are looking for. Still, I am glad I came across this book rather too late, after pursuing a worthwhile career which I could not have achieved if I had wholly followed Taraban's advice.
July 25, 2024
Excellent book - the author has very good understanding about the dynamics in the current mating and dating marketplace and was able to help demysterify seemingly convoluted concepts into easily digestable concepts.
The book shines lights about the market as is not as how it should be. The last chapter of the book provided some excellent alternatives to traditional romantic relationships.
I have been following his Youtube channel for some time and have felt I learnt a lot from reading this book.
The book shines lights about the market as is not as how it should be. The last chapter of the book provided some excellent alternatives to traditional romantic relationships.
I have been following his Youtube channel for some time and have felt I learnt a lot from reading this book.
August 13, 2024
Imagine playing one of the most important games of your life but not knowing how to play or even the rules of the game! This is what we are doing every day of our lives.
There is also a huge shift and crisis in modern society, especially in relationships between men and women. Marriages are failing more than ever, and fewer people are having sexual relationships. It’s a complicated puzzle at the heart of many of today’s societal problems.
I think the author has solved the puzzle of why this is happening! He has my utmost respect for providing such clarity.
Incredible book!
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
There is also a huge shift and crisis in modern society, especially in relationships between men and women. Marriages are failing more than ever, and fewer people are having sexual relationships. It’s a complicated puzzle at the heart of many of today’s societal problems.
I think the author has solved the puzzle of why this is happening! He has my utmost respect for providing such clarity.
Incredible book!
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
November 19, 2025
A book on the economics of relationships. The author has a very analytical mind with good analogies of captains and passengers. Much has been said before but maybe not to the level of detail and some useful advice for each party based on what they have to exchange and receive.
As it is a macro economical book, it is very good descriptor of society as a whole and sadly where we are going. He had two very good chapters responding to his biggest criticism of not accounting for love and his final chapter which was the only part I disagreed with. He provided perhaps a worthy criticism of marriage but with a worse alternative in my opinion of opening all kinds of relationship contracts in the anticipation of an increasingly more polygamous society.
In the macro, he has a good point. Without checks and balances (by culture or law) people will generally act with self interest and often at the expense of others, leading to less virtuous practices even up and through marriage. His final critique that people will not listen to good advice if it does not benefit them is practical but verging on cynical. I would argue, looking too closely at what you can gain from a relationship will empty it of meaning in the long run, and should be equally considered for the growing lack of relationships in general.
His final quote of rendering unto Caesar, makes for a cryptic message of seemingly wanting to separate the realms of relationship and love entirely, making them more like business contracts than anything else, rather than any attempt to synthesise the two.
As it is a macro economical book, it is very good descriptor of society as a whole and sadly where we are going. He had two very good chapters responding to his biggest criticism of not accounting for love and his final chapter which was the only part I disagreed with. He provided perhaps a worthy criticism of marriage but with a worse alternative in my opinion of opening all kinds of relationship contracts in the anticipation of an increasingly more polygamous society.
In the macro, he has a good point. Without checks and balances (by culture or law) people will generally act with self interest and often at the expense of others, leading to less virtuous practices even up and through marriage. His final critique that people will not listen to good advice if it does not benefit them is practical but verging on cynical. I would argue, looking too closely at what you can gain from a relationship will empty it of meaning in the long run, and should be equally considered for the growing lack of relationships in general.
His final quote of rendering unto Caesar, makes for a cryptic message of seemingly wanting to separate the realms of relationship and love entirely, making them more like business contracts than anything else, rather than any attempt to synthesise the two.
August 18, 2025
I took so many notes! The first third of the book was 5+, middle 5 and last part 4. So Listen to this book until You start getting less value and You can skip the rest.
***
VALUE OF MEN. A man who has found his place in the world is one who offers what others need. The more he can offer, the more valuable he becomes. Conversely, a man with nothing to offer isn’t a man at all in others’ eyes – just uselessness.
RELATIONSHIPS AS TRADE. People want different things, which is exactly why being with someone who wants the exact same thing you want doesn’t work – because then neither of you has it. Relationships are built on exchange, each bringing something of value, otherwise why would anyone swap gold for gravel? You need to make clear deals, renegotiate them over time, in business it’d be a contract. Nobody hangs out with or sleeps with someone they want absolutely nothing from. There are rules and there are goals in relationships – it’s a game. If someone consistently gets too little of what they want, or too much of what they don’t, they just stop playing. Even a so-called “not in a relationship” casual sex setup is still a relationship, just with rules and trade involved. And nobody keeps paying the plumber once the leak is fixed – same dynamic when a woman gives a man children, her transactional value drops, because that need is already serviced.
SHIP AND CAPTAIN. Men are described as captains – building the ship first, then learning to sail, then knowing the direction. Build it wrong, and you just end up with something that looks like a ship but sinks like a rock. Ignorance is not a choice, but staying ignorant is. Most captains learn from other captains first. You only see the real skill level in storms – sunny weather makes anyone look good. Strong students embrace storms, because that’s how you climb. A true captain sets the course before passengers come aboard – otherwise the passenger may grab the wheel and hijack the trip. Some captains lie about their direction, claiming one course but plotting another (like expensive dates in the beginning with zero planned later in relationship). Passengers lie too, pretending they like the advertised direction while secretly planning to take over the ship once they’re aboard.
PASSENGERS AND CHOICES. Most passengers decide from afar whether they’d ever board your ship – you never even know about most of the people who pass you by. You were on their radar, but they weren’t on yours. The popular ship draws attention just because it already has a crowd – people assume it was pre-approved by others as worth investigating. The best passengers won’t settle for a shiny exterior – they want to know if this ship has real space for them, and if that space is tucked in the dark belly of the ship or right next to the captain’s chair. So you need to upgrade your ship, improve how it looks, move more visibly, look like you’re in shape. If your default vibe is “adventurer,” you need to show safety too. If your vibe is “safe and stable,” you need to show excitement and fun, otherwise you’re boring. Passengers test captains by throwing stress at them – that’s not an insult, it’s actually a compliment, because testing means they’re invested. Don’t take it as punishment, take it as interest.
DESIRES AND SEDUCTION. Most sex doesn’t happen randomly but after a deliberate seduction. People can’t learn to be naturally attractive, but they can absolutely learn how to be seductive. Younger women are more desired partly because subconsciously men calculate they have more potential childbearing years left.
BEAUTY AND VALUE. Some beauty standards are global – for women it’s the ratio of waist to hips, and for men it’s waist to shoulder width. For women choosing men, the visual lifestyle he brings – how he looks like he’s living, like a movie star or a nobleman – often outranks just a bank balance. For men choosing women, model-like bodies score higher. Attraction peaks at different ages – for “sexiest man alive” it’s around 39, for women it’s about 24. Mr. Olympia is usually crowned at 33, Miss Universe at 21. Value, according to this frame, is measured by what has been “paid” before – a man’s value is the quality of women he has slept with, a woman’s value is the quality of men who offered her commitment. Double standards exist because men compete offensively to win, women defend by filtering and saying no. A good key is the one that opens many locks; a lock that opens to every key is considered bad.
THE GAME OF NO. The way someone says “no” is telling – the emotional timbre is like hot-and-cold hints in a children’s game. Within every no hides a clue on how they might say yes, or at least how to get closer. Women saying yes too easily kill male desire, because men want the wanting more than the having. Once the chase ends, desire drops near zero and only slowly regrows. This is why women hold back – rationing access keeps value alive.
TAXIS AND SHIPS. Some men behave like taxis: they let the passenger dictate the route, hoping that after years of serving, one day the passenger will suddenly ask, “And where do you want to go?” But that never happens – not in 2 years, not in 20 – once you’re the taxi, you stay the taxi. What you do to get the relationship is exactly what you must keep doing. So if you start with fancy dates and expensive restaurants, she’ll expect that lifestyle forever. Many women try for a free ride – buying a cheap ticket but sneaking into luxury seats. Men often realize too late and have invested too much to turn the ship back, so they accept it.
POWER AND PERCEPTION. The ones fighting hardest for equal power usually have the least of it. Power is always psychological – if strength or wealth alone decided, the strong and rich would never lose. A tiny chihuahua can scare a Great Dane, because fear (and courage) are only in the head. Those with less power stir up feelings the stronger do not want to experience. But generally the most powerful person is the one who moves the least – the world moves for them. Manipulative relationships are always unbalanced trades, and the one giving less often tries to shake the other’s confidence. The willingness to act is often as effective as action itself; showing you would move is enough. High risk-takers, dancing on the line between forbidden and allowed, have the biggest shot to win. Those who treat rejection or setbacks as information – not insults – stay less depressed and move on with the game.
LOVE AND CONTROL. Women usually enter relationships for emotional experience – if they get bored, their eyes wander to the door. Profound line: love and control cannot exist together. To measure a woman’s true willingness to stay with a man, look at what she does for him she wouldn’t do for others. To measure a man’s commitment, look at what he’s willing to give up for her. One of the greatest sacrifices is a man abandoning his wider sexual options for a single woman.
PROJECTION AND DESIRE. You can feel drawn to someone you barely know, which means your crush isn’t based on who they really are but on your projection. That’s why, when asked “why do you like them?”, the most honest answer is “I just do.” It’s not logical – it’s fantasy. At the start it’s always an idealized dream.
NARCISSISM IN RELATIONSHIPS. Real narcissism isn’t just being in love with yourself, it’s being in love with your reflection in someone else – seeing in them exactly what you want to see, what you believe is right, and ignoring the rest. They are looking for a mirror in another human’s face.
KEEPING DESIRE ALIVE. In long-term relationships women often desire sex less, and the book’s advice is counterintuitive: if the man wants to spark her desire, he should act like he might have an affair. That means being less available, out in new places, slower to reply to calls, upgrading how he dresses, cultivating solo time, and not chasing her for sex. More “mystery me, less boring us.” Ironically, passion doesn’t disappear despite men’s efforts, but because of men’s predictable effort over the long haul. Safety kills spark.
PRICELESS LOVE, PRICELESS FRIENDSHIP. Friendship, love, loyalty – they can exist one‑sided, even unreturned, so they are also given for free. But paradoxically, the author notes that love itself often kills attraction. In relationships, deep love can actually turn the sexual tension down instead of up. Compatibility isn’t about “relationships being hard work” – poor fit is hard work. Good fit is easy. Compatibility decides 90%.
THE POST-ORGASM TEST. Since most men would sleep with almost anyone, the real question afterward is: after orgasm, do I still like her as a person? And secondly, who do I become when I’m with her? Am I proud of myself in her presence, or do I shrink? These two are the filters to find better matches.
ARRANGED MATCHES. Young women in their early twenties are at their prime, but their brains are less mature, making them gullible to sweet-talking Tinder mediocrities. Fathers, having lived through lies and mistakes, would spot fake men better and also care more about a lifelong partner than the daughter cares for her next fling. Hence the arranged marriage argument: more experience, less self-deception.
AGE AND VALUE CURVES. Women in their twenties often waste their prime years chasing career and education, though they could do that at 30 – the smart move, says the book, would be to secure the best man first. Men, by contrast, peak later; at 25 women won’t treat you as equal, at 30 you’re starting to level, and with patience a few years more, the man’s value soars while hers falls. Male value is proven by the quality of women who’ve said yes, and that reputation snowballs – high‑value men attract higher‑value women, while men with none stay invisible. Even worse, no one wants a 40‑year‑old virgin, so better to practice with women you don’t even fancy much. Like swimming – you can’t learn from books, only from water.
PRACTICE VS LOCKING IN. Better to cycle through many relationships, learning faster, than to stagnate in one. The big winners aren’t men with one long romance – but men who stack many in sequence, leveling up every time. Summer after summer, trade up.
MARKET LOGIC. Women don’t reward men for “being good” but for being able to get women. Sex goes to those who can obtain it, not those who deserve it. In the past, men offered material security in exchange for a relationship. Now, women make their own money, contraception keeps them out of the “pregnancy trap,” and the exchange market is collapsing. With women raising standards higher and higher, the average man gets ignored. Fewer men get picked, and those at the top grab nearly all attention. The internet amplifies this, since global comparison is possible – women can now choose the single best man in their city, their country, or even the world.
SHIFT IN LEARNING. Women get social experience from endless scrolling on social media, men get sexual experience from pornography – both cheap, accessible substitutes. This pushes real connection and real practice further away and makes the sexual marketplace even more lopsided.
***
VALUE OF MEN. A man who has found his place in the world is one who offers what others need. The more he can offer, the more valuable he becomes. Conversely, a man with nothing to offer isn’t a man at all in others’ eyes – just uselessness.
RELATIONSHIPS AS TRADE. People want different things, which is exactly why being with someone who wants the exact same thing you want doesn’t work – because then neither of you has it. Relationships are built on exchange, each bringing something of value, otherwise why would anyone swap gold for gravel? You need to make clear deals, renegotiate them over time, in business it’d be a contract. Nobody hangs out with or sleeps with someone they want absolutely nothing from. There are rules and there are goals in relationships – it’s a game. If someone consistently gets too little of what they want, or too much of what they don’t, they just stop playing. Even a so-called “not in a relationship” casual sex setup is still a relationship, just with rules and trade involved. And nobody keeps paying the plumber once the leak is fixed – same dynamic when a woman gives a man children, her transactional value drops, because that need is already serviced.
SHIP AND CAPTAIN. Men are described as captains – building the ship first, then learning to sail, then knowing the direction. Build it wrong, and you just end up with something that looks like a ship but sinks like a rock. Ignorance is not a choice, but staying ignorant is. Most captains learn from other captains first. You only see the real skill level in storms – sunny weather makes anyone look good. Strong students embrace storms, because that’s how you climb. A true captain sets the course before passengers come aboard – otherwise the passenger may grab the wheel and hijack the trip. Some captains lie about their direction, claiming one course but plotting another (like expensive dates in the beginning with zero planned later in relationship). Passengers lie too, pretending they like the advertised direction while secretly planning to take over the ship once they’re aboard.
PASSENGERS AND CHOICES. Most passengers decide from afar whether they’d ever board your ship – you never even know about most of the people who pass you by. You were on their radar, but they weren’t on yours. The popular ship draws attention just because it already has a crowd – people assume it was pre-approved by others as worth investigating. The best passengers won’t settle for a shiny exterior – they want to know if this ship has real space for them, and if that space is tucked in the dark belly of the ship or right next to the captain’s chair. So you need to upgrade your ship, improve how it looks, move more visibly, look like you’re in shape. If your default vibe is “adventurer,” you need to show safety too. If your vibe is “safe and stable,” you need to show excitement and fun, otherwise you’re boring. Passengers test captains by throwing stress at them – that’s not an insult, it’s actually a compliment, because testing means they’re invested. Don’t take it as punishment, take it as interest.
DESIRES AND SEDUCTION. Most sex doesn’t happen randomly but after a deliberate seduction. People can’t learn to be naturally attractive, but they can absolutely learn how to be seductive. Younger women are more desired partly because subconsciously men calculate they have more potential childbearing years left.
BEAUTY AND VALUE. Some beauty standards are global – for women it’s the ratio of waist to hips, and for men it’s waist to shoulder width. For women choosing men, the visual lifestyle he brings – how he looks like he’s living, like a movie star or a nobleman – often outranks just a bank balance. For men choosing women, model-like bodies score higher. Attraction peaks at different ages – for “sexiest man alive” it’s around 39, for women it’s about 24. Mr. Olympia is usually crowned at 33, Miss Universe at 21. Value, according to this frame, is measured by what has been “paid” before – a man’s value is the quality of women he has slept with, a woman’s value is the quality of men who offered her commitment. Double standards exist because men compete offensively to win, women defend by filtering and saying no. A good key is the one that opens many locks; a lock that opens to every key is considered bad.
THE GAME OF NO. The way someone says “no” is telling – the emotional timbre is like hot-and-cold hints in a children’s game. Within every no hides a clue on how they might say yes, or at least how to get closer. Women saying yes too easily kill male desire, because men want the wanting more than the having. Once the chase ends, desire drops near zero and only slowly regrows. This is why women hold back – rationing access keeps value alive.
TAXIS AND SHIPS. Some men behave like taxis: they let the passenger dictate the route, hoping that after years of serving, one day the passenger will suddenly ask, “And where do you want to go?” But that never happens – not in 2 years, not in 20 – once you’re the taxi, you stay the taxi. What you do to get the relationship is exactly what you must keep doing. So if you start with fancy dates and expensive restaurants, she’ll expect that lifestyle forever. Many women try for a free ride – buying a cheap ticket but sneaking into luxury seats. Men often realize too late and have invested too much to turn the ship back, so they accept it.
POWER AND PERCEPTION. The ones fighting hardest for equal power usually have the least of it. Power is always psychological – if strength or wealth alone decided, the strong and rich would never lose. A tiny chihuahua can scare a Great Dane, because fear (and courage) are only in the head. Those with less power stir up feelings the stronger do not want to experience. But generally the most powerful person is the one who moves the least – the world moves for them. Manipulative relationships are always unbalanced trades, and the one giving less often tries to shake the other’s confidence. The willingness to act is often as effective as action itself; showing you would move is enough. High risk-takers, dancing on the line between forbidden and allowed, have the biggest shot to win. Those who treat rejection or setbacks as information – not insults – stay less depressed and move on with the game.
LOVE AND CONTROL. Women usually enter relationships for emotional experience – if they get bored, their eyes wander to the door. Profound line: love and control cannot exist together. To measure a woman’s true willingness to stay with a man, look at what she does for him she wouldn’t do for others. To measure a man’s commitment, look at what he’s willing to give up for her. One of the greatest sacrifices is a man abandoning his wider sexual options for a single woman.
PROJECTION AND DESIRE. You can feel drawn to someone you barely know, which means your crush isn’t based on who they really are but on your projection. That’s why, when asked “why do you like them?”, the most honest answer is “I just do.” It’s not logical – it’s fantasy. At the start it’s always an idealized dream.
NARCISSISM IN RELATIONSHIPS. Real narcissism isn’t just being in love with yourself, it’s being in love with your reflection in someone else – seeing in them exactly what you want to see, what you believe is right, and ignoring the rest. They are looking for a mirror in another human’s face.
KEEPING DESIRE ALIVE. In long-term relationships women often desire sex less, and the book’s advice is counterintuitive: if the man wants to spark her desire, he should act like he might have an affair. That means being less available, out in new places, slower to reply to calls, upgrading how he dresses, cultivating solo time, and not chasing her for sex. More “mystery me, less boring us.” Ironically, passion doesn’t disappear despite men’s efforts, but because of men’s predictable effort over the long haul. Safety kills spark.
PRICELESS LOVE, PRICELESS FRIENDSHIP. Friendship, love, loyalty – they can exist one‑sided, even unreturned, so they are also given for free. But paradoxically, the author notes that love itself often kills attraction. In relationships, deep love can actually turn the sexual tension down instead of up. Compatibility isn’t about “relationships being hard work” – poor fit is hard work. Good fit is easy. Compatibility decides 90%.
THE POST-ORGASM TEST. Since most men would sleep with almost anyone, the real question afterward is: after orgasm, do I still like her as a person? And secondly, who do I become when I’m with her? Am I proud of myself in her presence, or do I shrink? These two are the filters to find better matches.
ARRANGED MATCHES. Young women in their early twenties are at their prime, but their brains are less mature, making them gullible to sweet-talking Tinder mediocrities. Fathers, having lived through lies and mistakes, would spot fake men better and also care more about a lifelong partner than the daughter cares for her next fling. Hence the arranged marriage argument: more experience, less self-deception.
AGE AND VALUE CURVES. Women in their twenties often waste their prime years chasing career and education, though they could do that at 30 – the smart move, says the book, would be to secure the best man first. Men, by contrast, peak later; at 25 women won’t treat you as equal, at 30 you’re starting to level, and with patience a few years more, the man’s value soars while hers falls. Male value is proven by the quality of women who’ve said yes, and that reputation snowballs – high‑value men attract higher‑value women, while men with none stay invisible. Even worse, no one wants a 40‑year‑old virgin, so better to practice with women you don’t even fancy much. Like swimming – you can’t learn from books, only from water.
PRACTICE VS LOCKING IN. Better to cycle through many relationships, learning faster, than to stagnate in one. The big winners aren’t men with one long romance – but men who stack many in sequence, leveling up every time. Summer after summer, trade up.
MARKET LOGIC. Women don’t reward men for “being good” but for being able to get women. Sex goes to those who can obtain it, not those who deserve it. In the past, men offered material security in exchange for a relationship. Now, women make their own money, contraception keeps them out of the “pregnancy trap,” and the exchange market is collapsing. With women raising standards higher and higher, the average man gets ignored. Fewer men get picked, and those at the top grab nearly all attention. The internet amplifies this, since global comparison is possible – women can now choose the single best man in their city, their country, or even the world.
SHIFT IN LEARNING. Women get social experience from endless scrolling on social media, men get sexual experience from pornography – both cheap, accessible substitutes. This pushes real connection and real practice further away and makes the sexual marketplace even more lopsided.
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