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Nearly Departed
Con artists are a notoriously skeptical bunch, and Dennis Gufehautt is no exception. His scheme of masquerading as a paranormal investigator seems foolproof, until he encounters an actual ghost haunting an antique armchair.
Now, having unwittingly become a witness to a decades-old murder, Dennis finds himself stumbling headfirst into bizarre and often hilarious situations as he tries to solve a legitimate paranormal mystery.
Pursued by an overzealous private detective and driven to befriend a cast of memorable characters – from a perpetually-smoking matron to a charismatic charlatan who masquerades as an African shaman – Dennis works to exorcise the haunted furniture and return his life to a state of moderate normality.
Easier said than done.
Now, having unwittingly become a witness to a decades-old murder, Dennis finds himself stumbling headfirst into bizarre and often hilarious situations as he tries to solve a legitimate paranormal mystery.
Pursued by an overzealous private detective and driven to befriend a cast of memorable characters – from a perpetually-smoking matron to a charismatic charlatan who masquerades as an African shaman – Dennis works to exorcise the haunted furniture and return his life to a state of moderate normality.
Easier said than done.
151 pages, ebook
First published April 14, 2012
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93 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
October 30, 2015
I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it, but I love a slacker. Just saying. Okay, so Dennis is technically a writer who's researching his next book, but he fits the type in just the right way.
The dry humorous prose in Nearly Departed had me hooked from around the second paragraph. There came a point when I wondered when the real plot was going to start, but I was never bored. The writing was so cinematic that each scene and character appeared so strongly in my mind it was very much like watching a film.
“Your sister has been seeing this spirit, then?” Dennis asked.
There was another pause, and the sound of the woman both inhaling and exhaling. “No, Doctor, my sister is the spirit.” She did not elaborate, and Dennis sensed that he would have to tread lightly if he was to appear at all credible.
“I see. My apologies for your loss,” he said. “You say she has been haunting you for ten years now. Is there a reason for your interest in dealing with her now?”
“It's been eight years, to be precise. As I said, I am selling the house.”
“Of course,” replied Dennis. “I was merely curious as to why you have tolerated her presence for as long as you have.” He grimaced at his choice of words, wondering if he had just inadvertently insulted the woman's deceased sister. If she was at all offended, though, her voice gave no sign of it.
… “May I be so bold as to ask the reason for your selling it, ma'am?”
“I'm dying.”
When the ghostly element of the story began I was genuinely scared at first too! As it developed I was more than intrigued to see how it would all turn out. I made several attempts at guessing the ending, and when it came I enjoyed the bejayus out of it!
Rating: 9 out of 10 – the plot, the abundance of great characters, the whole thing had me sitting up and reading oblivious to the water going cold around me.
Halloween Scare Rating:
One Spider: Made me feel edgy, had to get the hubby to sit with me as I read. The first scene with the chair got me. I stayed up til 2am just to check it would all be okay!
Review By Vikki Heaven @ Escapology Reviews
The dry humorous prose in Nearly Departed had me hooked from around the second paragraph. There came a point when I wondered when the real plot was going to start, but I was never bored. The writing was so cinematic that each scene and character appeared so strongly in my mind it was very much like watching a film.
“Your sister has been seeing this spirit, then?” Dennis asked.
There was another pause, and the sound of the woman both inhaling and exhaling. “No, Doctor, my sister is the spirit.” She did not elaborate, and Dennis sensed that he would have to tread lightly if he was to appear at all credible.
“I see. My apologies for your loss,” he said. “You say she has been haunting you for ten years now. Is there a reason for your interest in dealing with her now?”
“It's been eight years, to be precise. As I said, I am selling the house.”
“Of course,” replied Dennis. “I was merely curious as to why you have tolerated her presence for as long as you have.” He grimaced at his choice of words, wondering if he had just inadvertently insulted the woman's deceased sister. If she was at all offended, though, her voice gave no sign of it.
… “May I be so bold as to ask the reason for your selling it, ma'am?”
“I'm dying.”
When the ghostly element of the story began I was genuinely scared at first too! As it developed I was more than intrigued to see how it would all turn out. I made several attempts at guessing the ending, and when it came I enjoyed the bejayus out of it!
Rating: 9 out of 10 – the plot, the abundance of great characters, the whole thing had me sitting up and reading oblivious to the water going cold around me.
Halloween Scare Rating:
One Spider: Made me feel edgy, had to get the hubby to sit with me as I read. The first scene with the chair got me. I stayed up til 2am just to check it would all be okay!
Review By Vikki Heaven @ Escapology Reviews
December 26, 2015
Story-3
Writing-4
Enjoyment-3
Schlienger has a great handle on writing dialogue and descriptions of peoples' actions like, while a character was on the phone and had the other character in a compromising position "'I'm fine, Sam.' He examined his fingernails casually, as though the gesture might somehow translate through the airwaves." He's also quick with silly non sequiturs, such as " he didn't have any particular issue with heights, but something about tall buildings made him uncomfortable. Perhaps it stemmed from a general distrust in humanity, or a lack of faith in their ability to do anything right." While the writing isn't technically amazing or anything, his handle on how humans actually act and speak is spot on. The book was very engrossing and enjoyable because of this.
Any ghosty appearances are almost teriarty to any real action, so this is definitely not a horror as much as a comedy. As odd as it sounds, I didn't even care about the mystery as much as what was happening to the characters in the moment. It was a pretty good mystery though. I think readers who enjoy mysteries and blundering human stories would enjoy this one.
Writing-4
Enjoyment-3
Schlienger has a great handle on writing dialogue and descriptions of peoples' actions like, while a character was on the phone and had the other character in a compromising position "'I'm fine, Sam.' He examined his fingernails casually, as though the gesture might somehow translate through the airwaves." He's also quick with silly non sequiturs, such as " he didn't have any particular issue with heights, but something about tall buildings made him uncomfortable. Perhaps it stemmed from a general distrust in humanity, or a lack of faith in their ability to do anything right." While the writing isn't technically amazing or anything, his handle on how humans actually act and speak is spot on. The book was very engrossing and enjoyable because of this.
Any ghosty appearances are almost teriarty to any real action, so this is definitely not a horror as much as a comedy. As odd as it sounds, I didn't even care about the mystery as much as what was happening to the characters in the moment. It was a pretty good mystery though. I think readers who enjoy mysteries and blundering human stories would enjoy this one.
December 23, 2017
Hlavna postava, Dr September, sa vydava za cloveka, ktory dokaze vyvolat duchov.A viac menej posuva svojmu znamemu, psychiatrovi, novych pacientov :joy: Jedneho dna sa mu vsak ozve starsia pani, ktora potrebuje pomoc s duchom svojej sestry. Dr September je sokovany, ked naozaj uvidi ducha a ten s nim komunikuje.
Pribeh bol celkom zabavny, pacilo sa mi, ake postavicky tam autor zahrnul a ako to nakoniec dopadlo. Smiala som sa, ked chceli podpalit kreslo, v ktorom sa Evy zjavovala a nakoniec nic z toho nebolo :slight_smile:.
SPOJLER
Evy, ten duch, bola zavrazdena obchodnym partnerom jej otca kvoli peniazom, kedze obaja boli podvodnici. A tym partnerom bol psychiatel spominany na zaciatku.
Za mna take slusne 4*.
Pribeh bol celkom zabavny, pacilo sa mi, ake postavicky tam autor zahrnul a ako to nakoniec dopadlo. Smiala som sa, ked chceli podpalit kreslo, v ktorom sa Evy zjavovala a nakoniec nic z toho nebolo :slight_smile:.
SPOJLER
Evy, ten duch, bola zavrazdena obchodnym partnerom jej otca kvoli peniazom, kedze obaja boli podvodnici. A tym partnerom bol psychiatel spominany na zaciatku.
Za mna take slusne 4*.
December 1, 2017
It was a decent book, especially considering that it was free. It had fun humor and good characters. However, some parts of the book kind of strayed off the main path of the story and had some boring parts which didn't keep me engaged in this story that much. But it is still a fun decent book, especially for the free price.
September 16, 2021
A fun, easy read. Not sure if it all tidies up at the end as much as I would've liked, and some parts felt rushed, but it was enjoyable.
March 31, 2016
I picked up “Nearly Departed” in my ongoing attempt to find a self-published book worth reading, and alas, my search continues. I did force myself to finish which isn’t something I usually do. I wanted to see if Max Patrick Schlienger could pull it off, overcome a poorly edited, poorly developed story with, at least, a conclusion worth the effort. I was disappointed and irritated at my own willingness to waste my time on what was obviously a misstep from the very first sentence. Literally.
“It was a dark and stormy night.” That is the first sentence. At first I thought it was a joke. The main character, Dennis, is a writer, after all, and maybe this is the opening salvo of the humor balancing the darkness of a murder mystery. I imagined him sitting at his computer, the cursor blinking mockingly at him as nothing else is on the page. He growls with frustration at the intentionally trite, clichéd and laughable line as it is meant as a personal indictment of his inability to come up with anything better because, of course, anything is better than that opening line. Sadly, I realized, as I kept reading, it wasn’t meant as a joke or as insight into the mind of a frustrated writer devoid of ideas thereby triggering the need to go out and find them (the crux of the story). It was a serious beginning meant to set the mood. Mission accomplished but probably not as the author intended.
Looking for inspiration, Dennis creates a character, Dr. September, who is a paranormal investigator. He posts an ad in the newspaper and responds to calls from, what turns out in most cases, to be lonely, desperate woman just looking for someone to talk to. He has a co-conspirator, who initiated the scheme, a psychiatrist named Sam, who agrees to pay Dennis a “finder’s fee” for anyone he send to him for help.
The entire ruse is a set-up on Sam’s part to find a key to a safety deposit box containing money that he and a previous co-conspirator, Eric, who is now dead, opened during their own cons which they ran forty plus years prior. He was using Dennis to gain access to the house, where the key was hidden, and is currently owned by Eric’s daughter, Elspeth, and the ghost of her sister, Evy, who inhabits a chair.
When the truth of the situation is revealed, it is so convoluted, I had to read it multiple times to even understand it and I’m still not sure I do. (Spoiler alert) Apparently Sam inadvertently caused Evy’s death because Eric wouldn’t tell him where the key was and by keeping Sam away from Evy, he wasn’t able to give her her insulin thereby causing her death. Why Eric didn’t just tell Sam that Evy had the key (and save his daughter’s life) is beyond me but that’s what started the entire plot forty years earlier.
There’s no real resolution to the story either. Yes, the reason behind Sam’s scheme is (kind of) revealed but Elspeth called Dennis to help Evy pass over (be completely departed). Later in the story Dennis surmises that showing Evy the key would allow her to leave the house but it’s later revealed the Evy had already told Elspeth about the key, which was hidden in the chair she inhabited, and Elspeth took it and spent all the money so Evy had to have already seen the key before Dennis was even involved. You’re never told what happened to Evy. Does she still haunt the chair or did she pass over?
To be fair, I may be harsher on the overall story because the writing is so poor. Some basic editorial assistance would have made a world of difference but it’s obvious that Schlienger didn’t use a qualified editor or even a beta reader. He jumps between the narrator POV to limited third person and occasionally omniscient third person. There’s rampant incorrect combination/separation of dialogue/action between different characters which, in combination of the mixed POV, is very disorienting. Most of the secondary characters are useless in moving the story forward and the excessive use of exclamation points and interrobangs is a key indicator of underdeveloped or uninformed writing.
As with all my reviews, I would never discount what it takes to complete a book because I know how hard it is and how much work goes into it, so Mr. Schlienger should be proud of what he’s accomplished, but if you’re going to publish your work with the hope that someone, who is not a friend or relative, will read it, please, please, please work with a professional editor before publication. I love to read but there’s nothing more frustrating than feeling like the author doesn’t care about putting out the absolute best product possible or about the time I wasted figuring that out. The creativity and (occasional) humor of the story has potential but it is the proverbial lump of clay in desperate need of the right hands.
“It was a dark and stormy night.” That is the first sentence. At first I thought it was a joke. The main character, Dennis, is a writer, after all, and maybe this is the opening salvo of the humor balancing the darkness of a murder mystery. I imagined him sitting at his computer, the cursor blinking mockingly at him as nothing else is on the page. He growls with frustration at the intentionally trite, clichéd and laughable line as it is meant as a personal indictment of his inability to come up with anything better because, of course, anything is better than that opening line. Sadly, I realized, as I kept reading, it wasn’t meant as a joke or as insight into the mind of a frustrated writer devoid of ideas thereby triggering the need to go out and find them (the crux of the story). It was a serious beginning meant to set the mood. Mission accomplished but probably not as the author intended.
Looking for inspiration, Dennis creates a character, Dr. September, who is a paranormal investigator. He posts an ad in the newspaper and responds to calls from, what turns out in most cases, to be lonely, desperate woman just looking for someone to talk to. He has a co-conspirator, who initiated the scheme, a psychiatrist named Sam, who agrees to pay Dennis a “finder’s fee” for anyone he send to him for help.
The entire ruse is a set-up on Sam’s part to find a key to a safety deposit box containing money that he and a previous co-conspirator, Eric, who is now dead, opened during their own cons which they ran forty plus years prior. He was using Dennis to gain access to the house, where the key was hidden, and is currently owned by Eric’s daughter, Elspeth, and the ghost of her sister, Evy, who inhabits a chair.
When the truth of the situation is revealed, it is so convoluted, I had to read it multiple times to even understand it and I’m still not sure I do. (Spoiler alert) Apparently Sam inadvertently caused Evy’s death because Eric wouldn’t tell him where the key was and by keeping Sam away from Evy, he wasn’t able to give her her insulin thereby causing her death. Why Eric didn’t just tell Sam that Evy had the key (and save his daughter’s life) is beyond me but that’s what started the entire plot forty years earlier.
There’s no real resolution to the story either. Yes, the reason behind Sam’s scheme is (kind of) revealed but Elspeth called Dennis to help Evy pass over (be completely departed). Later in the story Dennis surmises that showing Evy the key would allow her to leave the house but it’s later revealed the Evy had already told Elspeth about the key, which was hidden in the chair she inhabited, and Elspeth took it and spent all the money so Evy had to have already seen the key before Dennis was even involved. You’re never told what happened to Evy. Does she still haunt the chair or did she pass over?
To be fair, I may be harsher on the overall story because the writing is so poor. Some basic editorial assistance would have made a world of difference but it’s obvious that Schlienger didn’t use a qualified editor or even a beta reader. He jumps between the narrator POV to limited third person and occasionally omniscient third person. There’s rampant incorrect combination/separation of dialogue/action between different characters which, in combination of the mixed POV, is very disorienting. Most of the secondary characters are useless in moving the story forward and the excessive use of exclamation points and interrobangs is a key indicator of underdeveloped or uninformed writing.
As with all my reviews, I would never discount what it takes to complete a book because I know how hard it is and how much work goes into it, so Mr. Schlienger should be proud of what he’s accomplished, but if you’re going to publish your work with the hope that someone, who is not a friend or relative, will read it, please, please, please work with a professional editor before publication. I love to read but there’s nothing more frustrating than feeling like the author doesn’t care about putting out the absolute best product possible or about the time I wasted figuring that out. The creativity and (occasional) humor of the story has potential but it is the proverbial lump of clay in desperate need of the right hands.
February 24, 2017
Yeah, I kind of figured it out at a random part. The red herrings just couldn't all be red herrings and eventually enough of them were uncovered to where it fell into place. Then it was just a matter of finishing the book and seeing how it unraveled.
September 10, 2012
Not a terrible story - especially for free. A who dunit with a bit of paranormal tossed in. The main "bad guy" I had guessed early on as he just acted too suspicious to be believable. Much of the interactions between the main character and his wife didn't seem realistic. I do not know of any young childless couples who are not allowed to have a friend call past 9pm; where the wife gets ticked because her husband doesn't get home until 10pm... once; the wife works and says she is supportive towards her husband's writing career but then doesn't show it by those previous actions I mentioned, telling him under no uncertain circumstances is he to meet with a client (research for new book) more than once a week - or even once, and so in. I just really feel the couple's interactions were strangely conceived and not believable. Luckily, the doesn't make up the bulk if the story - con men and a haunted chair do. It is entertaining and not much to complain about for a 500+ page book for free that kept me occupied for a couple hours the past 2 nights.
February 28, 2013
Light, humorous read. I think it could have been a bit longer though, as a lot of interesting subplots were started but seem to have been dropped towards the end. The relationship with the protagonist's wife was a bit 'off', she felt more like a prop for typical 'wife' like behavior and the added element of tension but it wasn't quite there.
Overall, good humorous writing and I'd say it's worth a read. It's free on Smashwords!
Overall, good humorous writing and I'd say it's worth a read. It's free on Smashwords!
December 12, 2015
A ghost story. The settings and the characters were quite fresh for a ghost story and the author seems like a guy who knows how to tell a good story. But it ultimately lacks the thrill to keep the pages turning. Even though the story is quite short, it might have been better to keep it shorter. Some pages just feel like filler material and a painful attempt to prolong the story. Interesting concept though.
January 19, 2013
I tried...Really...it's been a few days and I'm only on page 87. And I just don't have it in me to pick it back up. It started off interesting. But it quickly fizzled out for me. There just wasn't enough going on to keep my mind occupied and entertained while the book progressed. I found Dennis to be rather meek, and perhaps a shadow of what he could be as a character.
April 13, 2015
Such a fun book! I liked the characters and this book was genuinely funny. I could picture the colorful character interactions and explore the mystery with them. It's a ghost story, but in a contemporary setting--so it's not goofy while trying to be spooky. The plot and ending were satisfying.
BTW rating: PG-13 for language
BTW rating: PG-13 for language
September 4, 2014
I found the concept of this novel very original and the story entertaining. However I also found myself struggling through some sections. Tightening up the characters and some of the dialogue could make a great improvement and really make this a great read.
May 29, 2012
Nice who-dun-it with some paranormal thrown in. I found this book for free on Barnes & Noble. Its a great story with an interesting ghost. Worth reading.
February 1, 2013
This book exceeded my expectations.
March 13, 2013
So it was good but it was also one of those books that I'm trying to read really fast and am able to skim. Know what I'm talking about?? But for a free book hey why not.
July 15, 2013
Loved it!
August 29, 2013
A good read. The author provides humor, and give enough, but not too many, hints at whodunnit before revealing the conclusion.
January 9, 2014
Downloaded the book after hearing about it on reddit. Took me a long time to get around to it but when I did I enjoyed it.
December 24, 2015
Cute little mystery with interesting characters. The story was a bit predictable, but enjoyable nonetheless. I especially liked the Palin sisters.
December 1, 2014
This book was a fun and quick read, with with suspense and well-developed characters. I hope it's able to get printed at some point!
January 1, 2015
This was a fun little read with a lot of great imagery and twists. Definitely check out this short story if you want a fun mystery with a side of the paranormal.
January 16, 2015
Loved it.
January 6, 2016
Quite a lovely book. I really enjoyed the humor and wonderful cast of characters. Look forward to more from Max Patrick Schlienger in the future.
March 30, 2017
Loved the setting and the plot wasn't what I expected! :D
November 12, 2017
A Reddit post asked what a random redditor could do to help someone today. "Read my book, " was the first post. "And review it." So here I am. I had fairly low expectations but was greatly surprised. The book was funny and different. I agree with others that there were a few editing or proofreading errors, but that is par for the course for even printed books these days. I really enjoyed the characters and the plot. While not perfectly "realistic" I could totally see this as TV comedy action type thing. I will be on the look out for other books by this author.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews