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This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light
In this candid and emotional memoir, Allison Holker opens up about her incredible dance career, her relationship with Stephen “tWitch” Boss, and the resilience that has carried her forward after his death.
Allison Holker was just eighteen when she found fame as a contestant on the reality TV show So You Think You Can Dance. Over the next several years, she had her first child, built a successful career as a professional dancer despite the industry being hostile to working moms, and fell in love with and married fellow dancer Stephen Boss, the former hype man and DJ of The Ellen DeGeneres Show known for his charisma and relentless positivity. Two more children and a wealth of professional opportunities for both Allison and Stephen followed, and the Bosses appeared to be one of the great Hollywood love stories.
Then, in December 2022, Stephen took his own life, leaving Allison to wrestle with unanswered questions, haunting what-ifs, and the heartbreaking realization that Stephen’s infectious joy was hiding pain, addictions, and self-doubt deeper than anyone knew.
For the first time, Allison reveals how she has navigated the emotional and financial aftermath of Stephen’s choice, guided their three children in their grief while managing the outpouring from a well-meaning public, and reopened herself to the next chapter in her professional and personal life. A beacon of hope and comfort for anyone experiencing grief—especially unexpected loss due to suicide—Allison’s story is an honest reflection on the pain of looking back on a complicated life and the resilience required to move into the future.
Allison Holker was just eighteen when she found fame as a contestant on the reality TV show So You Think You Can Dance. Over the next several years, she had her first child, built a successful career as a professional dancer despite the industry being hostile to working moms, and fell in love with and married fellow dancer Stephen Boss, the former hype man and DJ of The Ellen DeGeneres Show known for his charisma and relentless positivity. Two more children and a wealth of professional opportunities for both Allison and Stephen followed, and the Bosses appeared to be one of the great Hollywood love stories.
Then, in December 2022, Stephen took his own life, leaving Allison to wrestle with unanswered questions, haunting what-ifs, and the heartbreaking realization that Stephen’s infectious joy was hiding pain, addictions, and self-doubt deeper than anyone knew.
For the first time, Allison reveals how she has navigated the emotional and financial aftermath of Stephen’s choice, guided their three children in their grief while managing the outpouring from a well-meaning public, and reopened herself to the next chapter in her professional and personal life. A beacon of hope and comfort for anyone experiencing grief—especially unexpected loss due to suicide—Allison’s story is an honest reflection on the pain of looking back on a complicated life and the resilience required to move into the future.
241 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 4, 2025
602 people are currently reading
3995 people want to read
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February 10, 2025
Unlike a lot of people rating this book, I actually read it before posting a star rating.
There’s obviously going to be people that don’t like it because it is after all a book and we will all have our own thoughts about it. That’s fine. What isn’t fine is saying she doesn’t have a right to tell her story. To say how she felt when he made the choice he did because it was in fact a choice. What isn’t fine is coming at her like she had anything to do with his suicide, like she’s the reason he’s not here, like she didn’t care for him, like she’s an opportunist for writing what she felt she needed to write. When news broke that Stephen committed suicide everyone was so shocked. Why would he do this? He was so happy. He had so much joy. So now here you have her speaking out and saying hey this is what was going on with him and everyone’s mad. Oh she’s profiting from his death. She killed him. His death is suspicious.
It’s not.
Let’s accept no matter what this woman does she will be the villain to a lot of you.
He went to a hotel and put a gun to his head and left behind a wife, three kids, his mother, his brother, and countless other family members and friends. He made a choice I have no doubt he felt he had to make but the reality is he did make a choice. A devastating choice.
The book:
Allison talks a lot about herself, her struggles, how she started dancing, and what that world was like for her. Then about halfway through we got to what happens the night before tWitch dies. She wrote about how he called her and was clearly intoxicated and she was concerned but she didn’t know where he was. They didn’t share locations. Not everyone does. Eventually he made his way home and he just kept saying “I lied, I lied, I lied” which stuck with her because she never knew what he meant he lied about. She still doesn’t know what he meant.
Fast forward to the next day and tWitch takes his older daughter to school. He says to her “I wish I could’ve been your superman.” I want you to imagine being a child and that’s the last thing your parent said to you before they decided to leave this earth KNOWING what they were about to do? This wasn’t a spur of the moment act.
The rest is what we know which is he essentially goes missing. Allison doesn’t want to call the police just because she can’t reach him because he’s always made it clear to her not to call the police because he’s a black man. Enough said. She does end up contacting the police though and they tell her not once but twice that unless it’s been 24 hours…. You know the rest.
Eventually he is located at a hotel. By then he’s gone. He had turned off his location. He didn’t want to be found. He didn’t want to be stopped. He left a note. We the public are not and should not privy to what was in that note.
Due to what’s in the note Allison has a better idea of what was going through his mind, but it really is the bare minimum. She does not and probably will not ever know why he chose to go to that extreme.
Misconceptions:
She made his family sign an NDA. Yes she did. She made everyone sign an NDA because his family wanted people to attend the funeral that she wasn’t familiar with. Some people hadn’t seen him since he was a toddler. She didn’t want pictures of his body leaking. Pictures from the service. His family was understandably upset and demanded everyone sign an NDA if they had to which I think is fair and Allison said okay done. What’s the problem?
In the NDA it states she’s the only on that can benefit from his name or something of that nature. And? How no one realizes that she’s protecting his name and his brand is mind boggling to me. That was his wife. I would’ve done the same thing.
I understand there’s bad blood between the families and unfortunately this will happen with grief. It’s unfortunate. However making her out to be a villain isn’t only inaccurate it is unfair.
Throughout the book it is very clear how angry she is with him. How she can’t see him as a hero when she’s left to pick up the pieces of everything he left behind. Their children that she will have to raise alone. She isn’t comfortable with the narrative in glossing over the fact that he committed suicide and almost romanticizing it because what message will that send to her kids? She has every right to be angry.
She is saying what no one wants to say. He made the wrong choice. He abandoned his family.
Yes he was mentally ill. Yes he felt it was his only option. That doesn’t change the reality that it was the wrong choice. He chose to leave a family behind, a wife that has to tell her kids it’s not their fault, that they’re not the reason that he chose to do this, and to try to piece together the broken hearts of three children that no matter what she does will never be whole again the way they were.
It was also clear to me while I read this book that she hasn’t ever felt this kind of despair and for that I envy her. It is very hard to understand anyone doing this to themselves for someone like Allison who seems to FIGHT through whatever is going on. It has been very hard for her to grasp what would lead someone to do this. She has made it her mission to understand mental illness and what could lead someone to this choice.
There is also all this chatter that she is benefiting financially from this book from what he left behind….. inaccurate. He died without a Will. That means probate. There are several properties that they bought for each child that will now have to be sold. What she inherited is debt and a shattered heart.
Saying what he was going through doesn’t destroy his legacy and shame on anyone saying otherwise because what you’re saying is that what he was going through prior to his suicide destroys his legacy. What you’re saying is that a legacy is destroyed if there is any illness mental or otherwise attached to it. You are saying that his legacy is tarnished because he was struggling before he died. Newsflash: he committed suicide. That makes it clear he was going through a lot.
Allison has a strength that I envy. Her belief in herself, in her strength is relentless and it’s also how Stephen described her. It is no wonder that what people see is someone that is unshakable. However just because she’s not publicly falling apart for the public’s viewing pleasure does not mean she isn’t shattered. She is. She is still human and she has experienced a great loss and will forever have to deal with the fall out and deserves the grace to do it in peace.
bravo Allison.
There’s obviously going to be people that don’t like it because it is after all a book and we will all have our own thoughts about it. That’s fine. What isn’t fine is saying she doesn’t have a right to tell her story. To say how she felt when he made the choice he did because it was in fact a choice. What isn’t fine is coming at her like she had anything to do with his suicide, like she’s the reason he’s not here, like she didn’t care for him, like she’s an opportunist for writing what she felt she needed to write. When news broke that Stephen committed suicide everyone was so shocked. Why would he do this? He was so happy. He had so much joy. So now here you have her speaking out and saying hey this is what was going on with him and everyone’s mad. Oh she’s profiting from his death. She killed him. His death is suspicious.
It’s not.
Let’s accept no matter what this woman does she will be the villain to a lot of you.
He went to a hotel and put a gun to his head and left behind a wife, three kids, his mother, his brother, and countless other family members and friends. He made a choice I have no doubt he felt he had to make but the reality is he did make a choice. A devastating choice.
The book:
Allison talks a lot about herself, her struggles, how she started dancing, and what that world was like for her. Then about halfway through we got to what happens the night before tWitch dies. She wrote about how he called her and was clearly intoxicated and she was concerned but she didn’t know where he was. They didn’t share locations. Not everyone does. Eventually he made his way home and he just kept saying “I lied, I lied, I lied” which stuck with her because she never knew what he meant he lied about. She still doesn’t know what he meant.
Fast forward to the next day and tWitch takes his older daughter to school. He says to her “I wish I could’ve been your superman.” I want you to imagine being a child and that’s the last thing your parent said to you before they decided to leave this earth KNOWING what they were about to do? This wasn’t a spur of the moment act.
The rest is what we know which is he essentially goes missing. Allison doesn’t want to call the police just because she can’t reach him because he’s always made it clear to her not to call the police because he’s a black man. Enough said. She does end up contacting the police though and they tell her not once but twice that unless it’s been 24 hours…. You know the rest.
Eventually he is located at a hotel. By then he’s gone. He had turned off his location. He didn’t want to be found. He didn’t want to be stopped. He left a note. We the public are not and should not privy to what was in that note.
Due to what’s in the note Allison has a better idea of what was going through his mind, but it really is the bare minimum. She does not and probably will not ever know why he chose to go to that extreme.
Misconceptions:
She made his family sign an NDA. Yes she did. She made everyone sign an NDA because his family wanted people to attend the funeral that she wasn’t familiar with. Some people hadn’t seen him since he was a toddler. She didn’t want pictures of his body leaking. Pictures from the service. His family was understandably upset and demanded everyone sign an NDA if they had to which I think is fair and Allison said okay done. What’s the problem?
In the NDA it states she’s the only on that can benefit from his name or something of that nature. And? How no one realizes that she’s protecting his name and his brand is mind boggling to me. That was his wife. I would’ve done the same thing.
I understand there’s bad blood between the families and unfortunately this will happen with grief. It’s unfortunate. However making her out to be a villain isn’t only inaccurate it is unfair.
Throughout the book it is very clear how angry she is with him. How she can’t see him as a hero when she’s left to pick up the pieces of everything he left behind. Their children that she will have to raise alone. She isn’t comfortable with the narrative in glossing over the fact that he committed suicide and almost romanticizing it because what message will that send to her kids? She has every right to be angry.
She is saying what no one wants to say. He made the wrong choice. He abandoned his family.
Yes he was mentally ill. Yes he felt it was his only option. That doesn’t change the reality that it was the wrong choice. He chose to leave a family behind, a wife that has to tell her kids it’s not their fault, that they’re not the reason that he chose to do this, and to try to piece together the broken hearts of three children that no matter what she does will never be whole again the way they were.
It was also clear to me while I read this book that she hasn’t ever felt this kind of despair and for that I envy her. It is very hard to understand anyone doing this to themselves for someone like Allison who seems to FIGHT through whatever is going on. It has been very hard for her to grasp what would lead someone to do this. She has made it her mission to understand mental illness and what could lead someone to this choice.
There is also all this chatter that she is benefiting financially from this book from what he left behind….. inaccurate. He died without a Will. That means probate. There are several properties that they bought for each child that will now have to be sold. What she inherited is debt and a shattered heart.
Saying what he was going through doesn’t destroy his legacy and shame on anyone saying otherwise because what you’re saying is that what he was going through prior to his suicide destroys his legacy. What you’re saying is that a legacy is destroyed if there is any illness mental or otherwise attached to it. You are saying that his legacy is tarnished because he was struggling before he died. Newsflash: he committed suicide. That makes it clear he was going through a lot.
Allison has a strength that I envy. Her belief in herself, in her strength is relentless and it’s also how Stephen described her. It is no wonder that what people see is someone that is unshakable. However just because she’s not publicly falling apart for the public’s viewing pleasure does not mean she isn’t shattered. She is. She is still human and she has experienced a great loss and will forever have to deal with the fall out and deserves the grace to do it in peace.
bravo Allison.
December 14, 2025
“Hey, everyone, I’m home. Come on in. I’ll leave the light on.”
I use to be a big fan of the television dance competition show, “So You Think You Can Dance.” And, I remember the author as an amazing contemporary dance artist, who even went on to do well in the ABC television show, “Dancing with the Stars.” But I was most fond of her husband, who was known as, tWitch. When he got on stage, the whole room seemed to light up with his magical presence. And, the well-deserved applause for him was typically deafening.
“If you think about it, dance is like love. It’s all around us if you’re paying attention.”
I was thrilled to watch his success from the sidelines, as he branched out to be Ellen DeGeneres’ D.J., on her long-running talk show, and eventually one of her co-executive producers. But mostly I always loved to watch him dance. And, when he and his wife (author) set up a You-Tube channel of their dances, I always enjoyed watching their playful, joyous movements and the chemistry between them.
Needless to say, when tWitch committed suicide, I, along with everyone else who was a fan, were left in shock. How could this bright, shining star with so much talent, and the love of a good wife and precious young family make this decision to check-out of the world? Nothing made sense. And, as articles trickled forward, I searched for answers.
“What made him believe that suicide was an appropriate response to whatever he was going through?”
Why was I so invested in knowing more?
I’d like to believe that sometimes when we follow a “celebrity” from a distance, we like to pretend that the persona they present is truly them. And, it makes sense for us to applaud their successes, and embrace the joyful art and talent that they bring to us, as their fans. So, when Holker decided to write this story, despite the tabloids interest in condemning her for it, I was interested in reading it. I just wanted to know more about who these two were – and, especially what would lead tWitch to drop out of living.
“If you lead with light, you’ll always be headed in the right direction.”
This is truly Holker’s story. One told from a place of grief and love for a partner who made such a difference in her life. She is not here to shame or blame anybody. If anything, she is attempting to be a guide that asks others to pay attention to loved ones when you have an intuitive sense that something is not right. Look for the signs. Ask questions.
“Be persistent. It can’t hurt, and it just might save a life.”
This is a well-written memoir, shared compassionately with her readers. Readers get an inside view into the author’s dance journey, her love story and the grief of losing her partner.
This isn’t just an opening into Holker’s past, it is also a light onto the before and after of tWitch’s decision, whom she refers to lovingly throughout by his given name, Stephen.
If anyone wonders, as the author questioned why he did what he did, she does her best to answer those questions. But she has done it at some sacrifice, through reactions to her book by his family, some of his friends/colleagues and fans. Still, I didn’t see her revelations as a way to discredit or dishonor tWitch’s memory.
I believe the author truly felt that having someone close who commits suicide, there were signs she missed. And, through her own self-discovery into understanding him, his motives, his changes, and what could have led up to his fateful moment, maybe others may benefit from her story. So, that they don’t miss the signs, and possibly can prevent it from happening to their loved one. Whether she was successful getting her message across or not is dependent upon each reader’s interpretation of her truth.
She is a heart-felt storyteller that shares how to navigate grief. It is a thoughtful and inspiring story. I commend the author’s courage. And, I recognize that not all readers will see or feel this about her.
I use to be a big fan of the television dance competition show, “So You Think You Can Dance.” And, I remember the author as an amazing contemporary dance artist, who even went on to do well in the ABC television show, “Dancing with the Stars.” But I was most fond of her husband, who was known as, tWitch. When he got on stage, the whole room seemed to light up with his magical presence. And, the well-deserved applause for him was typically deafening.
“If you think about it, dance is like love. It’s all around us if you’re paying attention.”
I was thrilled to watch his success from the sidelines, as he branched out to be Ellen DeGeneres’ D.J., on her long-running talk show, and eventually one of her co-executive producers. But mostly I always loved to watch him dance. And, when he and his wife (author) set up a You-Tube channel of their dances, I always enjoyed watching their playful, joyous movements and the chemistry between them.
Needless to say, when tWitch committed suicide, I, along with everyone else who was a fan, were left in shock. How could this bright, shining star with so much talent, and the love of a good wife and precious young family make this decision to check-out of the world? Nothing made sense. And, as articles trickled forward, I searched for answers.
“What made him believe that suicide was an appropriate response to whatever he was going through?”
Why was I so invested in knowing more?
I’d like to believe that sometimes when we follow a “celebrity” from a distance, we like to pretend that the persona they present is truly them. And, it makes sense for us to applaud their successes, and embrace the joyful art and talent that they bring to us, as their fans. So, when Holker decided to write this story, despite the tabloids interest in condemning her for it, I was interested in reading it. I just wanted to know more about who these two were – and, especially what would lead tWitch to drop out of living.
“If you lead with light, you’ll always be headed in the right direction.”
This is truly Holker’s story. One told from a place of grief and love for a partner who made such a difference in her life. She is not here to shame or blame anybody. If anything, she is attempting to be a guide that asks others to pay attention to loved ones when you have an intuitive sense that something is not right. Look for the signs. Ask questions.
“Be persistent. It can’t hurt, and it just might save a life.”
This is a well-written memoir, shared compassionately with her readers. Readers get an inside view into the author’s dance journey, her love story and the grief of losing her partner.
This isn’t just an opening into Holker’s past, it is also a light onto the before and after of tWitch’s decision, whom she refers to lovingly throughout by his given name, Stephen.
If anyone wonders, as the author questioned why he did what he did, she does her best to answer those questions. But she has done it at some sacrifice, through reactions to her book by his family, some of his friends/colleagues and fans. Still, I didn’t see her revelations as a way to discredit or dishonor tWitch’s memory.
I believe the author truly felt that having someone close who commits suicide, there were signs she missed. And, through her own self-discovery into understanding him, his motives, his changes, and what could have led up to his fateful moment, maybe others may benefit from her story. So, that they don’t miss the signs, and possibly can prevent it from happening to their loved one. Whether she was successful getting her message across or not is dependent upon each reader’s interpretation of her truth.
She is a heart-felt storyteller that shares how to navigate grief. It is a thoughtful and inspiring story. I commend the author’s courage. And, I recognize that not all readers will see or feel this about her.
February 5, 2025
You have to be a special kind of trash to come rate a widow’s book on HER experience poorly and/or belittle her. The first 46% of this book is about life before Stephen’s passing- before Stephen at all- and focuses predominately on dance. She hardly mentions sexual abuse as so many comments written before the book’s release claim. As someone who has lost a significant other to a highly stigmatized mental health issue, I found so much of what she wrote relatable. The weird way people compete to have the “greatest” loss is an odd phenomenon. I admire Allison for sharing how her life has unfolded before, during, and after the tragedy that easily could have stolen her identity. The way she handled her loss is different from mine, everyone’s grief is. I believe she did a beautiful job. And even if this book was a money grab -which I I don’t believe this is- she has been left to pick up the pieces and raise their kids. She gets to make that choice. Overall, I found this to be an inspiring and authentic account of coping and claiming a new normal in the face of adversity.
January 8, 2025
What a horrible human being you are Allison. SHAME ON YOU FOR REVEALING HIS TRUTH FOR HIM.
February 8, 2025
This is the worst book I’ve read in regard to life and death. This is also BY FAR the worst book I’ve ever read in regard to suicide and mental health. The way Allison talks about Twitch and HIS decision to die by suicide is disgraceful, ill taste, and degrading to him. And in fact degrading to anyone reading this book who has lost a loved one to suicide. My mouth was open almost the entire reading this, thinking did she really say that? Is she serious? Who is this book for?
Let’s start off with how she literally said in her book that the way Twitch chose to die was outrageous. Then she continues to bitch and complain that he left debt behind. But wait she continues to complain even more that she was left to be a single mom, raise their children by herself, and she wasn’t sure how she was going to do it and why would he do that to her? And…. more complaining, she complained about how his death took back promotions, deals, contracts, etc. leaving so much work wasted.
She touches on how Twitch and her met, fell in love, etc. but truly I did not get a single sense that she was happily writing about “the love of her life”. Instead she decided to write about his family problems, family drama, how dare he die by suicide, etc etc. This book was about her and not him and shame on you for that. It was exhausting to read this, because this book did not promote any mental health awareness, suicide warning signs, suicide hotline/website information, and more. The only thing it promoted was… her.
The next time you write a book, use one phrase and only one. By husband DIED BY SUICIDE. She went back and forth with my husband killed himself, he unalived himself, died by suicide, shot him self in the head. Speak with mental health professionals and educate yourself on this topic before you reach a huge audience that will be purchasing your book.
Let’s start off with how she literally said in her book that the way Twitch chose to die was outrageous. Then she continues to bitch and complain that he left debt behind. But wait she continues to complain even more that she was left to be a single mom, raise their children by herself, and she wasn’t sure how she was going to do it and why would he do that to her? And…. more complaining, she complained about how his death took back promotions, deals, contracts, etc. leaving so much work wasted.
She touches on how Twitch and her met, fell in love, etc. but truly I did not get a single sense that she was happily writing about “the love of her life”. Instead she decided to write about his family problems, family drama, how dare he die by suicide, etc etc. This book was about her and not him and shame on you for that. It was exhausting to read this, because this book did not promote any mental health awareness, suicide warning signs, suicide hotline/website information, and more. The only thing it promoted was… her.
The next time you write a book, use one phrase and only one. By husband DIED BY SUICIDE. She went back and forth with my husband killed himself, he unalived himself, died by suicide, shot him self in the head. Speak with mental health professionals and educate yourself on this topic before you reach a huge audience that will be purchasing your book.
January 14, 2025
Ish. It’s not okay to tell a sexual abuse victim’s story without consent from the victim. Her instagram modeling career must not be paying what she was hoping for. Straight up trash.
February 6, 2025
In over 700 reviews, I rarely give low ratings, because the author usually puts their blood, sweat, and tears into their work. I can't give this book over 2 stars. I knew of both tWitch and Allison Holker, but not in an in depth manner. I've never watched SYTYCD, so this isn't coming from a disgruntled fan. I was a young widow, so I also know that journey.
There is a way to be honest, raw and express your anger at someone taking their own life. This is not the way. The book emphasizes all her strengths and life. Honestly, I'm not sure there was one time she ever seemed to have taken a misstep in her life.
She takes every opportunity to tarnish his memory (which is odd, because she worries about how his funeral photos, etc. could get out into the world and her kids seeing them later.) They will read this book. Even if she wanted to express negative things, her confusion over his suicide, how it leaves, and affects families, especially her children, this would've been a good book.
I almost wonder when she started writing this, and perhaps she hadn't fully worked through the anger stage of grief (and it's REAL...trust me.) I wish she would've because it would've been more balanced. Maybe editing could've steered her with a little positivity.
I am just confused.
Thank you to Harper Select and NetGalley for a digital copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
There is a way to be honest, raw and express your anger at someone taking their own life. This is not the way. The book emphasizes all her strengths and life. Honestly, I'm not sure there was one time she ever seemed to have taken a misstep in her life.
She takes every opportunity to tarnish his memory (which is odd, because she worries about how his funeral photos, etc. could get out into the world and her kids seeing them later.) They will read this book. Even if she wanted to express negative things, her confusion over his suicide, how it leaves, and affects families, especially her children, this would've been a good book.
I almost wonder when she started writing this, and perhaps she hadn't fully worked through the anger stage of grief (and it's REAL...trust me.) I wish she would've because it would've been more balanced. Maybe editing could've steered her with a little positivity.
I am just confused.
Thank you to Harper Select and NetGalley for a digital copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
February 10, 2025
I wanted to give this book and Allison a fair shake by reading it for myself, but I must warn anyone who has been touched by suicide to avoid it at all cost. She spends the entirety of her book blame-shifting every single hard thing that has ever happened to her and never taking accountability for a thing. The second part of the book is riddled with her anger at her husband for his suicide and dragging his name and mental health through the mud over and over. There is little to no compassion for anyone who struggles with their mental health, and she blames him over and over for abandoning her and their children— her words, not mine. There is no understanding for the complexities of suicide and instead, it’s a book all about how highly she thinks of herself and how most everyone she’s ever come into contact with has hurt her. Skip this one— your mental health and your blood pressure spike will thank you.
February 9, 2025
I always enjoyed watching videos of Allison, Twitch, and their kiddos on social media, so when I saw this, I thought it would be an interesting read to learn more about them and their kids. I loved how Allison went into depth about herself growing up, even the deep bits about her family and their financial issues. I loved how she spoke about her kids. Twitch (Stephen) was mentioned a lot within it. I found it interesting to see their life behind the cameras. I can't imagine her loss of him due to su!c!de and left with all of the questions left unanswered. I'm praying for her and the kids, this cannot be easy.
I received this book from NetGalley and Harper Select to read/review. All of the statements above are my true opinions after fully reading this book.
I received this book from NetGalley and Harper Select to read/review. All of the statements above are my true opinions after fully reading this book.
February 5, 2025
I literally never write reviews but I feel compelled to offset all the negative reviews (many of which seem to be written based on tabloids and potentially from people who have not actually read the book) and explain my rating.
*Potential Spoilers?*
TW: Suicide
While I didn’t find it necessary for as much detail and some of the specifics surrounding Stephen’s death, (my reason for taking a star away) I do think it can be potentially very helpful to draw on signs and symptoms of people struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide, and changes in behavior that were masked.
I also don’t think it’s anyone else’s business how a family handles their grief and on what timeline they handle said grief.
*Potential Spoilers?*
TW: Suicide
While I didn’t find it necessary for as much detail and some of the specifics surrounding Stephen’s death, (my reason for taking a star away) I do think it can be potentially very helpful to draw on signs and symptoms of people struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide, and changes in behavior that were masked.
I also don’t think it’s anyone else’s business how a family handles their grief and on what timeline they handle said grief.
February 8, 2025
for context: I’ve looked up to Allison my entire life for her dance career. Truly since I was 10 years old, she was my all time favorite dancer on so you think, I even met her when i auditioned for the show years later, and have been in the industry ever since. I’ve also been personally affected by the tragedy of su*c*de & by narcissistic behavior.
This book is seriously dangerous in how it portrays mental health, suicide, drug use and more. I cannot even fathom thinking some of the things that she chose to write on paper to create this mean, hurtful, classless narrative about someone truly beautiful who happened to be stuck in inexplicable pain. I have always believed in and supported her and idolized her but this truly changed my mind forever. She is angry when people celebrate Stephen and his legacy - she says it in her own words and over and over through her actions. I’ve never seen more narcissistic behavior and I think this book is really a harmful disgrace.
This book is seriously dangerous in how it portrays mental health, suicide, drug use and more. I cannot even fathom thinking some of the things that she chose to write on paper to create this mean, hurtful, classless narrative about someone truly beautiful who happened to be stuck in inexplicable pain. I have always believed in and supported her and idolized her but this truly changed my mind forever. She is angry when people celebrate Stephen and his legacy - she says it in her own words and over and over through her actions. I’ve never seen more narcissistic behavior and I think this book is really a harmful disgrace.
March 5, 2025
There are a lot of glowing reviews, and there are a lot of angry reviews, both look to have been put up in an effort to counteract each other. As a former superfan of Allison’s since season 2 of SYTYCD (I was crushed when she was voted off and could hardly contain my excitement every time I saw her perform, often moved to tears), a parent, and person touched by grief as a result of suicide, I wanted to offer a review as a human observer rather than a blind fan with unconditional support or hater resorting to cheap shots.
I would guess, 2 years in, Allison doesn’t know how early in her healing journey she really is and will look back on this book with regrets. I think it’s incredibly sad that this is something that she, her children, and Steven’s family (to mention only those closest and most affected) have to contend with forever because, as even Allison indicates, you can’t take words back.
The first half is Allison’s story, the second half is her reaction to Steven’s suicide and sharing of his story. She always brought it back to her and the kids, so she could argue that it’s still her story, but it’s just not true. She has written this book as a testament to how good and strong she is and needs us all to believe it.
There are constant contradictions and verifiable lies through the book such that you have to wonder where the truth lies, if there is any at all. She mentions more than once “both things can be true” about seemingly contradictory feelings, and I agree, but this is not what I refer to. A few examples, both small/useless and big:
1. Allison and dance convention workers take obvious steps to access a roof that she admits is off limits, when the elevator gets stuck she says she’s “such a rule follower that (she) was in a total panic” not wanting to use the emergency phone.
2. Allison claims to have refused an autopsy due to knowing Steven drank and used drugs so heavily toward the end, but his autopsy results were reported publicly and also came back clean.
3. Allison indicates that they often dug deep in their conversations with each other (“so profound was our back-and-forth”), and spoke about direction for their lives as a family all the time, but later mentioned she had “zero interest.. in deep introspective journeys.”
4. Allison’s therapist has indicated maybe she is a people pleaser, but Allison has offered countless examples demonstrating she is not, including a monumental one of rejecting the Mormon faith as a teenager which rippled out in big ways. Professionally, maybe she could be seen to be a people pleaser if we can trust that she was being truthful about not admitting to injuries, meeting expectations when hiding single parenthood, or having to come up with technical knowledge on the fly (on DWTS), and maybe it is also an unavoidable adaptation of motherhood, but I didn’t see much in this book to support this idea.
5. Maybe the worst, most heartless one is that she indicates that she understands that people who die by suicide understand it to be their only option at that moment, but time and again states clearly that in this “most shameful act” he “chose to leave.” This is a glaring red flag of someone who has memorized the appropriate talking points, but doesn’t really understand in the slightest.
(I’ve seen many people point the Xmas tree decorating comment, but this claim is mistaken or blown out of proportion. She has indicated they decorate multiple trees each year and it was the family heirloom tree that hadn’t been decorated, the tree in their social media was generic)
There were moments of discussing some hard moments with her kids that were beautiful: holding space for them through the hard moments, validating their emotions, and supporting whatever they needed to feel on the journey through it all, stressing that it’s her job to equip them with the tools to handle the hard stuff (assuming these moments were truthful). There were also moments where I saw blinders, maybe activated unknowingly in a triggering moment, thwarting this aim: eschewing comments from friends or family members lovingly pointing out echoes of Steven in the kids. Instead of helping them through the hard feelings of accepting those great things even though they still feel anger and sadness, allowing both things to be true, she aims to remove these connections to Steven instead of taking the opportunity to let them integrate the love despite the difficulty.
Speaking of the kids, I worry about them all reading this for different reasons. I wonder if these events or quotes used were ok’d by the kids to use in the book (and CAN they, especially the littlests, know what they’re consenting to?). These are vulnerable moments and, while I don’t know what it’s like to live somewhat publicly, whatever can be conserved of their privacy seems important to respect.
Jumping topics to more general book stuff, I’m unclear how this book came to be green lighted in the first place aside from jumping on a gossip train and selling books due to the expected controversy. This is a legit publisher that most people have heard of and I would have expected better review. Did they not edit for clarity of content? Tone? Vocabulary? Did they not edit at all? This sounds like her when she speaks, so that is authentic. However, this reads, tone wise, as though it is a series of social media posts. Each chapter follows the theme, but there are so many moments that don’t add up to build a cohesive narrative. And the vocabulary choices? Sure, I’m a lover of fancy word choices when applied in the right way, but in this book it came off desperate, to make her sound wise and clever, and some of the words used were clearly not the correct ones. On a few occasions I looked up the words that caused me to question my understanding and found that no, she meant to use a similar sounding word that would have illustrated her thought.
I can’t give any time to hearsay and the controversy, I don’t have any insider information, I don’t know any of these people. Whoever Allison is at her core, she is still human, she loved someone she lost, and everyone deserves some grace. But I am going to offer some “both things can be true” opinions.
I feel truly bad for her. I feel bad that her team, friends, family, therapist didn’t protect her from speaking out as an authority when she isn’t one, when she is so green in her healing that she can’t see that there was nothing helpful in this book. I feel sorry that despite being out of the Mormon faith she still fell into a shame based version of Christianity where her pastor encouraged her to focus more on the sin and shame of Steven’s act than the reality of despair that consumes the person. I see her professional and contrary “I can do it all and nothing will stop me” attitude in this healing journey, now that she has gotten to this benchmark, hit this “expiration date” as she likes to cite, she is healed. But if she can’t adjust her brain and her heart she will be stuck with this anger and judgement forever.
I am also disgusted by her. There is no right way to grieve, but there are many paths, respectful or disrespectful. To feel so emboldened to share your spouse’s alleged trauma (that he did not share) in detail when all of the points could have been expressed with vaguely and in a way that would not have lessened the impact or message is hateful. She also stated early on she wouldn’t be sharing the details her own teenage traumatic experience, but what about those girls who see themselves in Allison? Doesn’t she also want to help them? We aren’t entitled to her (or anyone’s) details, but if her aim is to help people and tell HER story, the contradictions are glaring. She is justifiably angry, no one can begrudge her of that. And suicide is an especially messy grief process for the loved ones left behind. But if this book has any impact, it would likely compound the shame of a suicidal reader who went in thinking her intentions were good, to help, as she stated. She is not intending to help, she is intending to explain how he got it so shamefully wrong and how she, who she called the true victim/survivor of suicide (truly, page 204), is doing it right despite him, the shame he brought on her, and “mess he left (her) with.” If she does not find herself ashamed of this down the road once she’s found many additional layers of grief to emerge from, she is truly lost.
I would guess, 2 years in, Allison doesn’t know how early in her healing journey she really is and will look back on this book with regrets. I think it’s incredibly sad that this is something that she, her children, and Steven’s family (to mention only those closest and most affected) have to contend with forever because, as even Allison indicates, you can’t take words back.
The first half is Allison’s story, the second half is her reaction to Steven’s suicide and sharing of his story. She always brought it back to her and the kids, so she could argue that it’s still her story, but it’s just not true. She has written this book as a testament to how good and strong she is and needs us all to believe it.
There are constant contradictions and verifiable lies through the book such that you have to wonder where the truth lies, if there is any at all. She mentions more than once “both things can be true” about seemingly contradictory feelings, and I agree, but this is not what I refer to. A few examples, both small/useless and big:
1. Allison and dance convention workers take obvious steps to access a roof that she admits is off limits, when the elevator gets stuck she says she’s “such a rule follower that (she) was in a total panic” not wanting to use the emergency phone.
2. Allison claims to have refused an autopsy due to knowing Steven drank and used drugs so heavily toward the end, but his autopsy results were reported publicly and also came back clean.
3. Allison indicates that they often dug deep in their conversations with each other (“so profound was our back-and-forth”), and spoke about direction for their lives as a family all the time, but later mentioned she had “zero interest.. in deep introspective journeys.”
4. Allison’s therapist has indicated maybe she is a people pleaser, but Allison has offered countless examples demonstrating she is not, including a monumental one of rejecting the Mormon faith as a teenager which rippled out in big ways. Professionally, maybe she could be seen to be a people pleaser if we can trust that she was being truthful about not admitting to injuries, meeting expectations when hiding single parenthood, or having to come up with technical knowledge on the fly (on DWTS), and maybe it is also an unavoidable adaptation of motherhood, but I didn’t see much in this book to support this idea.
5. Maybe the worst, most heartless one is that she indicates that she understands that people who die by suicide understand it to be their only option at that moment, but time and again states clearly that in this “most shameful act” he “chose to leave.” This is a glaring red flag of someone who has memorized the appropriate talking points, but doesn’t really understand in the slightest.
(I’ve seen many people point the Xmas tree decorating comment, but this claim is mistaken or blown out of proportion. She has indicated they decorate multiple trees each year and it was the family heirloom tree that hadn’t been decorated, the tree in their social media was generic)
There were moments of discussing some hard moments with her kids that were beautiful: holding space for them through the hard moments, validating their emotions, and supporting whatever they needed to feel on the journey through it all, stressing that it’s her job to equip them with the tools to handle the hard stuff (assuming these moments were truthful). There were also moments where I saw blinders, maybe activated unknowingly in a triggering moment, thwarting this aim: eschewing comments from friends or family members lovingly pointing out echoes of Steven in the kids. Instead of helping them through the hard feelings of accepting those great things even though they still feel anger and sadness, allowing both things to be true, she aims to remove these connections to Steven instead of taking the opportunity to let them integrate the love despite the difficulty.
Speaking of the kids, I worry about them all reading this for different reasons. I wonder if these events or quotes used were ok’d by the kids to use in the book (and CAN they, especially the littlests, know what they’re consenting to?). These are vulnerable moments and, while I don’t know what it’s like to live somewhat publicly, whatever can be conserved of their privacy seems important to respect.
Jumping topics to more general book stuff, I’m unclear how this book came to be green lighted in the first place aside from jumping on a gossip train and selling books due to the expected controversy. This is a legit publisher that most people have heard of and I would have expected better review. Did they not edit for clarity of content? Tone? Vocabulary? Did they not edit at all? This sounds like her when she speaks, so that is authentic. However, this reads, tone wise, as though it is a series of social media posts. Each chapter follows the theme, but there are so many moments that don’t add up to build a cohesive narrative. And the vocabulary choices? Sure, I’m a lover of fancy word choices when applied in the right way, but in this book it came off desperate, to make her sound wise and clever, and some of the words used were clearly not the correct ones. On a few occasions I looked up the words that caused me to question my understanding and found that no, she meant to use a similar sounding word that would have illustrated her thought.
I can’t give any time to hearsay and the controversy, I don’t have any insider information, I don’t know any of these people. Whoever Allison is at her core, she is still human, she loved someone she lost, and everyone deserves some grace. But I am going to offer some “both things can be true” opinions.
I feel truly bad for her. I feel bad that her team, friends, family, therapist didn’t protect her from speaking out as an authority when she isn’t one, when she is so green in her healing that she can’t see that there was nothing helpful in this book. I feel sorry that despite being out of the Mormon faith she still fell into a shame based version of Christianity where her pastor encouraged her to focus more on the sin and shame of Steven’s act than the reality of despair that consumes the person. I see her professional and contrary “I can do it all and nothing will stop me” attitude in this healing journey, now that she has gotten to this benchmark, hit this “expiration date” as she likes to cite, she is healed. But if she can’t adjust her brain and her heart she will be stuck with this anger and judgement forever.
I am also disgusted by her. There is no right way to grieve, but there are many paths, respectful or disrespectful. To feel so emboldened to share your spouse’s alleged trauma (that he did not share) in detail when all of the points could have been expressed with vaguely and in a way that would not have lessened the impact or message is hateful. She also stated early on she wouldn’t be sharing the details her own teenage traumatic experience, but what about those girls who see themselves in Allison? Doesn’t she also want to help them? We aren’t entitled to her (or anyone’s) details, but if her aim is to help people and tell HER story, the contradictions are glaring. She is justifiably angry, no one can begrudge her of that. And suicide is an especially messy grief process for the loved ones left behind. But if this book has any impact, it would likely compound the shame of a suicidal reader who went in thinking her intentions were good, to help, as she stated. She is not intending to help, she is intending to explain how he got it so shamefully wrong and how she, who she called the true victim/survivor of suicide (truly, page 204), is doing it right despite him, the shame he brought on her, and “mess he left (her) with.” If she does not find herself ashamed of this down the road once she’s found many additional layers of grief to emerge from, she is truly lost.
April 23, 2025
This was a heavy read. No pictures in the book, I love memoirs that have pictures of the author and their loved ones.
February 12, 2025
I don’t understand all the hate Allison has received for telling her story. She did a beautiful job in sharing about her life, her’s and Stephen’s love, and the pain and struggles of losing him and how life moves forward afterwards. I’ve followed both Allison and ‘twitch’ since they were on SYTYCD and loved watching them on their different shows and seeing their family grow on Instagram. This book doesn’t dishonor or change my opinion about Stephen…it just sheds light on the demons he was battling. I think some people expected Allison to grieve differently but when you are a mom, you don’t get to grieve the same way. You have to be strong and keep moving forward for your kids’ sakes…especially since little kids live in the present and still want their meals and games and activities. Anyway, it was a touching book where I felt connected to Allison and her story and even though I haven’t experienced the same loss, I was left encouraged to strive for the same strength and resilience she has.
July 20, 2025
This Far by Allison Holker presents a deeply personal account of the author’s grief & struggles after the loss of her husband, Twitch. While it's clear that Holker felt the need to share her emotions & experiences, unfortunately, the title falls short in a number of critical ways. There’s a noticeable hypocrisy in her reflections, particularly in how she navigates the privacy of her late husband. She opens up about & reveals his secrets; while keeping her own personal struggles hidden. The whole dance of doing such gives the book a disingenuous tone.
One of the most troubling aspects of this book is the way in which Hoker continuly paints Twitch in a negative light. Much of the narrative revolves around criticizing him for leaving her & their children, while seemingly disregarding the complexities of mental health & suicide. Despite claiming to comprehend the significance of mental illness, her tone implies that suicide is a conscious, blameworthy choice, bypassing & ignoring the fact that mental illness is often a major factor in a such tragic decision. This contradiction makes it difficult for the reader to sympathize with her stance, as it reads as both self-serving & dismissive of the reality of mental health struggles.
It’s hard to escape the feeling that Holker used this platform to vindicate herself while leaving little room for empathy toward her late husband or his suicide. The book doesn’t seem to offer a path to healing for her, but rather serves as a way to elevate herself, all while using the tragedy to cast her husband in a negative way. It’s especially concerning when considering the impact this might have on their children—her words seem to push them toward resentment rather than understanding.
While I deeply sympathize with Hoker’s grief, "This far" unfortunately comes across as a cathartic yet ultimately harmful attempt at public vindication. Defaming a deceased person, regardless of their faults, is unlikely to bring any resolution or healing. This book doesn’t provide the closure it claims to, & instead leaves the reader with Holker's sense of unresolved bitterness. Furthermore, Holker's attempt to make herself appear as the victim in this entire situation & Twitch the villian failed miserably. Because in suicide there's just victims & no real villians. That's just the sad reality.
One of the most troubling aspects of this book is the way in which Hoker continuly paints Twitch in a negative light. Much of the narrative revolves around criticizing him for leaving her & their children, while seemingly disregarding the complexities of mental health & suicide. Despite claiming to comprehend the significance of mental illness, her tone implies that suicide is a conscious, blameworthy choice, bypassing & ignoring the fact that mental illness is often a major factor in a such tragic decision. This contradiction makes it difficult for the reader to sympathize with her stance, as it reads as both self-serving & dismissive of the reality of mental health struggles.
It’s hard to escape the feeling that Holker used this platform to vindicate herself while leaving little room for empathy toward her late husband or his suicide. The book doesn’t seem to offer a path to healing for her, but rather serves as a way to elevate herself, all while using the tragedy to cast her husband in a negative way. It’s especially concerning when considering the impact this might have on their children—her words seem to push them toward resentment rather than understanding.
While I deeply sympathize with Hoker’s grief, "This far" unfortunately comes across as a cathartic yet ultimately harmful attempt at public vindication. Defaming a deceased person, regardless of their faults, is unlikely to bring any resolution or healing. This book doesn’t provide the closure it claims to, & instead leaves the reader with Holker's sense of unresolved bitterness. Furthermore, Holker's attempt to make herself appear as the victim in this entire situation & Twitch the villian failed miserably. Because in suicide there's just victims & no real villians. That's just the sad reality.
February 11, 2025
This was one of my most anticipated memoirs of 2025 and I really enjoyed the deeply personal look into Allison's life in the aftermath of her husband's suicide.
I loved both Allison and Twitch since their So you think you can dance days and I was sad for her and her children having to deal with their grief and loss over his sudden death. This book is a great read for anyone trying to grapple with an unexpected loss of a loved one to suicide.
The only thing I would have liked was to have the audiobook narrated by Allison herself but I can imagine it might have been too painful. Definitely worth a read but it may be triggering for anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. With the state of the world today we need more books that explore how painful and triggering it can be to present a false facade of happiness.
I loved both Allison and Twitch since their So you think you can dance days and I was sad for her and her children having to deal with their grief and loss over his sudden death. This book is a great read for anyone trying to grapple with an unexpected loss of a loved one to suicide.
The only thing I would have liked was to have the audiobook narrated by Allison herself but I can imagine it might have been too painful. Definitely worth a read but it may be triggering for anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. With the state of the world today we need more books that explore how painful and triggering it can be to present a false facade of happiness.
February 7, 2025
If you are interested in Allison and Twitch, I encourage you to actually read the book. I will admit the tabloid narrative had me swayed on what she had written, but I wanted to read the book as opposed to only listen to what others said. I do not believe she tarnished Twitch’s memory in this book. Most of the book is about her, her upbringing, and how her and her kids are handling things now. She is right that it is important for people to understand warning signs. I don’t think she really said anything that was terribly surprising and shocking. We saw with Robin Williams that people who radiate positivity often have a lot more going on and that “a lot more” often has something to do with drugs in some ways. She is a woman left in a TERRIBLE situation. She has a side and most of her sides are valid even when you attempt to view her in a negative light.
February 14, 2025
I wanted to hear about their love story. Instead I sat through hours of Allison bashing a dead man and his family. Awful stuff.
February 8, 2025
Mixed feelings. On one hand, I kind of understand her reasoning behind sharing some of what it was like after her husband died by suicide. On the other, she briefly mentions something troubling that happens to her and doesn’t go into details but then reveals a lot of private info about her husband? The writing felt poor and disjointed. Also felt like she was repeating the same thing over and over. And it made me not like her, she came across as very conceited at times.
November 21, 2025
Reviewing is a little bit easier than actually rating This Far. There’s so much noise surrounding Stephen and Allison that reading without any bias is difficult.
Let me begin by saying that I listened to the audio version & Allison did not narrate it. When an author of a memoir doesn’t do the reading, it automatically looses points with me. The narrator enunciated so severely that it almost made the voice sound AI generated. I know this is heavy material but any editor who supports an author not reading their own autobiography is doing them a disservice.
I can’t imagine what Allison has been through in the little over 2 years since Stephen’s death. Everything she knew and thought she knew was destroyed that day.
The story begins well before she meets Stephen.
It starts during her childhood and we learn a lot about her upbringing and how she found dance, or how she puts it, how dance found her. I believe there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding this & the truth is finally revealed. Though she grew up with a very supportive family, there were extreme financial challenges & this very much played a pivotal role in her development & view point. She’s a very determined, resourceful, & independent woman and a lot of that carried over into her marriage.
Their finances were pretty much kept separate (yes, they had joint assets) and I think this is what led to all of the urgency in legal filings & issues surrounding the finances. Stephen also died without a will. She doesn’t elaborate on this a lot, just that there were things that had to be handled immediately. I digress, as my main point in saying this is to point to the amount of trust that existed between them. They didn’t track each other’s phones or invade each other’s privacy by reading journals or scanning computers.
There are so many people saying that Allison betrayed Stephen by revealing the things she found. I don’t look at it that way at all. Actually I think it’s better that she reveal it rather than it be leaked and the truth be tainted
There’s also a lot being said about Stephen not feeling as though he could confide in Allison. I don’t think that was the case. It very much aligns with his desire to be her “Superman”. Unfortunately, this put more pressure on him. Without disclosing details, she also admits that she was the victim of some type of violation. She doesn’t reveal if Stephen was aware of this. However, I feel as though maybe he wasn’t aware & had he been, it might have been easier for him to reveal what he experienced.
At the time, unfortunately, Allison didn’t realize that some of the things Stephen was doing were signs he was suffering from depression. This included his changes in hygiene and being easily set off & irritated. He continued exercising, maintaining his incredibly rigid work schedule & dedication to building their brand as well as their joint & his individual IG & TT. Now that she’s commented about him not showering or caring about his appearance, if you go onto his IG and look back at videos, there are some in which he looks a bit disheveled & unkempt. He’s what you would call “high functioning depressive”.
She goes into great detail about how the signing of NDAs at the funeral or rather, wake came about & it makes total sense. Being able to view a body & physically say goodbye is an important part of grief for many individuals & it’s often hard for the bereaved to understand why this is a bad idea in deaths like this. She admitted that she did not view him, nor did their children. Had I been her, I would have only allowed his mother & brother to view the body, everyone else be damned. I believe she states there were 12 or 13 who viewed him at the wake, but other than his mother & brother, no specifics were given.
His mother, Connie, made the argument that an open casket wake was a cultural thing. Honestly, I feel this was a bit manipulative on Connie’s part because of the position it put Allison. I’ve been in a situation with someone who was murdered and had damage to the head. There was a private viewing for immediate family only, but the number of people who came out of the woodwork claiming to be 2nd cousins by marriage once removed and other nonsense was unreal. There is a strange human curiosity with the dead especially in tragic situations & then it’s used as fodder for community gossip and the truth becomes nonexistent.
While I believe she has been able to put some rumors to rest with her book and hopefully help some others who are suffering, there’s still a lot left unanswered. I really believe the book is premature. It’s probably been cathartic for Allison to write & that’s great, but much of this feels like a giant journal entry.
Once you loose someone this close to you, grieving never ends. It’s not a process, it’s a journey. She’s just begun.
There are no indications that her goal is to profit from this horrible situation. I do hope and pray that she and Stephen’s side of the family are able to work out their differences (in private) and come back together. I believe Stephen would be very hurt to learn about this disconnect. His children deserve the opportunity to build relationships with his family, if that’s what they want. I’ve personally experienced hurt and arguments that result from grief. It’s very common. Luckily, I’ve not had the added stress of the entire world watching.
For anyone considering reading this book, do not be deterred by comments that have been written to try & discredit Allison. Please pay attention to the dates on the reviews and look at the profiles. There were tons of reviews made before this book was even released and from the research I’ve done, it looks like folks created accounts exclusively to sabotage the book as they have no profile picture, no books in their library, no friends or following & have only reviewed this book . Read it with an open heart and mind and draw your own conclusion.
Let me begin by saying that I listened to the audio version & Allison did not narrate it. When an author of a memoir doesn’t do the reading, it automatically looses points with me. The narrator enunciated so severely that it almost made the voice sound AI generated. I know this is heavy material but any editor who supports an author not reading their own autobiography is doing them a disservice.
I can’t imagine what Allison has been through in the little over 2 years since Stephen’s death. Everything she knew and thought she knew was destroyed that day.
The story begins well before she meets Stephen.
It starts during her childhood and we learn a lot about her upbringing and how she found dance, or how she puts it, how dance found her. I believe there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding this & the truth is finally revealed. Though she grew up with a very supportive family, there were extreme financial challenges & this very much played a pivotal role in her development & view point. She’s a very determined, resourceful, & independent woman and a lot of that carried over into her marriage.
Their finances were pretty much kept separate (yes, they had joint assets) and I think this is what led to all of the urgency in legal filings & issues surrounding the finances. Stephen also died without a will. She doesn’t elaborate on this a lot, just that there were things that had to be handled immediately. I digress, as my main point in saying this is to point to the amount of trust that existed between them. They didn’t track each other’s phones or invade each other’s privacy by reading journals or scanning computers.
There are so many people saying that Allison betrayed Stephen by revealing the things she found. I don’t look at it that way at all. Actually I think it’s better that she reveal it rather than it be leaked and the truth be tainted
There’s also a lot being said about Stephen not feeling as though he could confide in Allison. I don’t think that was the case. It very much aligns with his desire to be her “Superman”. Unfortunately, this put more pressure on him. Without disclosing details, she also admits that she was the victim of some type of violation. She doesn’t reveal if Stephen was aware of this. However, I feel as though maybe he wasn’t aware & had he been, it might have been easier for him to reveal what he experienced.
At the time, unfortunately, Allison didn’t realize that some of the things Stephen was doing were signs he was suffering from depression. This included his changes in hygiene and being easily set off & irritated. He continued exercising, maintaining his incredibly rigid work schedule & dedication to building their brand as well as their joint & his individual IG & TT. Now that she’s commented about him not showering or caring about his appearance, if you go onto his IG and look back at videos, there are some in which he looks a bit disheveled & unkempt. He’s what you would call “high functioning depressive”.
She goes into great detail about how the signing of NDAs at the funeral or rather, wake came about & it makes total sense. Being able to view a body & physically say goodbye is an important part of grief for many individuals & it’s often hard for the bereaved to understand why this is a bad idea in deaths like this. She admitted that she did not view him, nor did their children. Had I been her, I would have only allowed his mother & brother to view the body, everyone else be damned. I believe she states there were 12 or 13 who viewed him at the wake, but other than his mother & brother, no specifics were given.
His mother, Connie, made the argument that an open casket wake was a cultural thing. Honestly, I feel this was a bit manipulative on Connie’s part because of the position it put Allison. I’ve been in a situation with someone who was murdered and had damage to the head. There was a private viewing for immediate family only, but the number of people who came out of the woodwork claiming to be 2nd cousins by marriage once removed and other nonsense was unreal. There is a strange human curiosity with the dead especially in tragic situations & then it’s used as fodder for community gossip and the truth becomes nonexistent.
While I believe she has been able to put some rumors to rest with her book and hopefully help some others who are suffering, there’s still a lot left unanswered. I really believe the book is premature. It’s probably been cathartic for Allison to write & that’s great, but much of this feels like a giant journal entry.
Once you loose someone this close to you, grieving never ends. It’s not a process, it’s a journey. She’s just begun.
There are no indications that her goal is to profit from this horrible situation. I do hope and pray that she and Stephen’s side of the family are able to work out their differences (in private) and come back together. I believe Stephen would be very hurt to learn about this disconnect. His children deserve the opportunity to build relationships with his family, if that’s what they want. I’ve personally experienced hurt and arguments that result from grief. It’s very common. Luckily, I’ve not had the added stress of the entire world watching.
For anyone considering reading this book, do not be deterred by comments that have been written to try & discredit Allison. Please pay attention to the dates on the reviews and look at the profiles. There were tons of reviews made before this book was even released and from the research I’ve done, it looks like folks created accounts exclusively to sabotage the book as they have no profile picture, no books in their library, no friends or following & have only reviewed this book . Read it with an open heart and mind and draw your own conclusion.
February 5, 2025
When you are at your lowest point in life, how do you find the strength to make it through another day? This Far by Allison Holker details the triumphs and tragedies that have shaped the dancer’s life. As a household name thanks to So You Think You Can Dance, Allison’s life was shape by the art of dancing. This memoir details Allison’s hardships in life, family secrets and the resilience of a mother to provide her children with a stable future.
Allison’s memoir details the struggles of her home life as a child. This fueled her passion to become a professional dancer. While many might look on at their past with regret, Allison details the struggles that molded her career. Rejection, setback and an unplanned pregnancy all shed light on the perseverance of a woman who was determined to break through barriers. The details were honest, thought provoking and inspirational to anyone trying to balance a career and motherhood.
While Allison was a powerhouse on her own, her high profile marriage to Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss catapulted the star into a different realm of fame. The duo rocked social media with their family dance moves during the pandemic and were frequently seen throughout Hollywood as a couple on the ‘rise’. Then a single decision would forever alter the lives of each member of the Boss-Holker family. As expected, Holker opens up in the memoir about learning to cope with the loss of her husband.
What I didn’t expect to uncover was the raw honesty that Holker exhibited in the retelling of life after loss. The details are raw, honest and provide hope for others learning to navigate through similar grief. Holker allows readers to view her vulnerability, perseverance and garnering strength in your community. This memoir was a true inspiration to the dedication, devotion and love that Holker possesses for her family.
Allison’s memoir details the struggles of her home life as a child. This fueled her passion to become a professional dancer. While many might look on at their past with regret, Allison details the struggles that molded her career. Rejection, setback and an unplanned pregnancy all shed light on the perseverance of a woman who was determined to break through barriers. The details were honest, thought provoking and inspirational to anyone trying to balance a career and motherhood.
While Allison was a powerhouse on her own, her high profile marriage to Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss catapulted the star into a different realm of fame. The duo rocked social media with their family dance moves during the pandemic and were frequently seen throughout Hollywood as a couple on the ‘rise’. Then a single decision would forever alter the lives of each member of the Boss-Holker family. As expected, Holker opens up in the memoir about learning to cope with the loss of her husband.
What I didn’t expect to uncover was the raw honesty that Holker exhibited in the retelling of life after loss. The details are raw, honest and provide hope for others learning to navigate through similar grief. Holker allows readers to view her vulnerability, perseverance and garnering strength in your community. This memoir was a true inspiration to the dedication, devotion and love that Holker possesses for her family.
February 7, 2025
I always try to be mindful and respectful of people sharing their truth and the only time I give a star rating to memoirs is when I receive them via NetGalley.
I knew of the flack this book was receiving on social media but I figured it was blown out of proportion as a lot of things are in this digital age. After reading it, I'm not so sure - I was left feeling a bit uncomfortable upon finishing. For me personally, the things she revealed about the father of her children should not be for public consumption. Putting the private moments with her underage children out there and making them so prevalent on social media is something I don't really agree with. They aren't old enough to decide whether they are okay with their personal feelings and moments being put out there for others to read and view.
I did not like when she would allude to how Stephen was feeling at a specific time. As she said in other moments, you can never truly know what Stephen was feeling because he isn't here to verify. I was looking forward to reading about her dance career - while it was definitely discussed, a lot of it was glossed over. Allison certainly seems to have a high opinion of herself - and while confidence is great and feeling comfortable in your own skin is something everyone wishes for some of what she wrote came off pretty cringe. Reading this book just left me with a general feeling of distaste. It wasn't for me.
I do appreciate NetGalley and Harper Select for giving me the opportunity to read this.
I knew of the flack this book was receiving on social media but I figured it was blown out of proportion as a lot of things are in this digital age. After reading it, I'm not so sure - I was left feeling a bit uncomfortable upon finishing. For me personally, the things she revealed about the father of her children should not be for public consumption. Putting the private moments with her underage children out there and making them so prevalent on social media is something I don't really agree with. They aren't old enough to decide whether they are okay with their personal feelings and moments being put out there for others to read and view.
I did not like when she would allude to how Stephen was feeling at a specific time. As she said in other moments, you can never truly know what Stephen was feeling because he isn't here to verify. I was looking forward to reading about her dance career - while it was definitely discussed, a lot of it was glossed over. Allison certainly seems to have a high opinion of herself - and while confidence is great and feeling comfortable in your own skin is something everyone wishes for some of what she wrote came off pretty cringe. Reading this book just left me with a general feeling of distaste. It wasn't for me.
I do appreciate NetGalley and Harper Select for giving me the opportunity to read this.
March 21, 2025
This book angered me. There were times where I felt such deep empathy for Allison and her family. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to lose your husband, be forced to raise his children without him, deal with unrelenting paparazzi, and grieving family, friends and online strangers who mean well but end up compounding your feelings of grief.
But there were so many anecdotes in the book that really made me pause. To name a few:
She reveals Stephen’s darkest secrets while keeping hers buried. She describes going through a traumatic event years ago, but refused to provide any detail.
She implies that Stephen died by suicide because he was concerned about potentially harming their son in the same way he was harmed as a child. That is such a heavy and dangerous statement to make, and Stephen is not here to defend himself. What is worse, Maddox (their son) will read this book one day having to wonder the same question.
She continuously uses very triggering language about suicide, calling Stephen’s act “selfish.” For example, she notes that she is often compared to Vanessa Bryant, and shouldn’t be because Kobe didn’t abandon his family the way Stephen did.
She complains that his death led to terminated business deals. She details his spending habits in his final months with ire, despite those habits being consistent with his illness.
She quotes private moments of her children confiding in her about how they are struggling with Stephen’s death, including anger.
She goes out of her way to let us know that she has offered Stephen’s family financial support, while also disparaging them.
She tells readers that she wants her kids to be free from the weight of Stephen, whatever that means. She wants us to know that Stephen is not a hero. Her exact words.
And many, many, more.
Allison is angry. And I don’t blame her. To the extent that she truly loved Stephen, this is a natural part of the grieving process. But if the purpose of the book was to destigmatize mental illnesses, as she states, her tone wildly misses the mark. It is so clear to me that she did not understand her husband and the depths of his mental health issues while he was alive and still to this day.
In fact, it is so painfully obvious that Allison resents Stephen. Not only because he died by suicide, but also because his death forced her to confront that Stephen propelled her to where she is today. Sure, she was always a talented dancer (and she reminds us of that many times). But it was their union and HIS popularity outside of the dance community that propelled her to stardom. She cannot handle this truth, and therefore goes out of her way to talk about her accomplishments. For example, after Stephen’s death, she was offered a position as a judge on SYTYCD, a role Stephen used to have. Strangers on social media implied that she got the job because she was Stephen’s wife. Allison describes passing Stephen notes during his time as a judge because he thought she was the better technical dancer. The only reason to include this detail is because Allison wants to convince people that it was HER, not him, who was deserving of all these opportunities.
It really felt like she wrote the book to address “all the haters.” Though some of the vitriol Allison has received from strangers is straight up mean, I find the criticism she has received from Stephen’s closest friends and family to be very credible. At best, Allison is still grieving and perhaps was ill-advised in writing this book. At worst, she is who people say she is, and willing to do anything in the name of a check regardless of whose legacy she has to tarnish along the way.
Either way, this is not a book for people wanting to learn more about mental health. There are far better resources than this.
But there were so many anecdotes in the book that really made me pause. To name a few:
She reveals Stephen’s darkest secrets while keeping hers buried. She describes going through a traumatic event years ago, but refused to provide any detail.
She implies that Stephen died by suicide because he was concerned about potentially harming their son in the same way he was harmed as a child. That is such a heavy and dangerous statement to make, and Stephen is not here to defend himself. What is worse, Maddox (their son) will read this book one day having to wonder the same question.
She continuously uses very triggering language about suicide, calling Stephen’s act “selfish.” For example, she notes that she is often compared to Vanessa Bryant, and shouldn’t be because Kobe didn’t abandon his family the way Stephen did.
She complains that his death led to terminated business deals. She details his spending habits in his final months with ire, despite those habits being consistent with his illness.
She quotes private moments of her children confiding in her about how they are struggling with Stephen’s death, including anger.
She goes out of her way to let us know that she has offered Stephen’s family financial support, while also disparaging them.
She tells readers that she wants her kids to be free from the weight of Stephen, whatever that means. She wants us to know that Stephen is not a hero. Her exact words.
And many, many, more.
Allison is angry. And I don’t blame her. To the extent that she truly loved Stephen, this is a natural part of the grieving process. But if the purpose of the book was to destigmatize mental illnesses, as she states, her tone wildly misses the mark. It is so clear to me that she did not understand her husband and the depths of his mental health issues while he was alive and still to this day.
In fact, it is so painfully obvious that Allison resents Stephen. Not only because he died by suicide, but also because his death forced her to confront that Stephen propelled her to where she is today. Sure, she was always a talented dancer (and she reminds us of that many times). But it was their union and HIS popularity outside of the dance community that propelled her to stardom. She cannot handle this truth, and therefore goes out of her way to talk about her accomplishments. For example, after Stephen’s death, she was offered a position as a judge on SYTYCD, a role Stephen used to have. Strangers on social media implied that she got the job because she was Stephen’s wife. Allison describes passing Stephen notes during his time as a judge because he thought she was the better technical dancer. The only reason to include this detail is because Allison wants to convince people that it was HER, not him, who was deserving of all these opportunities.
It really felt like she wrote the book to address “all the haters.” Though some of the vitriol Allison has received from strangers is straight up mean, I find the criticism she has received from Stephen’s closest friends and family to be very credible. At best, Allison is still grieving and perhaps was ill-advised in writing this book. At worst, she is who people say she is, and willing to do anything in the name of a check regardless of whose legacy she has to tarnish along the way.
Either way, this is not a book for people wanting to learn more about mental health. There are far better resources than this.
February 15, 2025
Prior to reading this book, I did not know very much about Allison or Stephen or their life. I feel like there were certain phrases, and things said throughout the book that could make Stephen‘s family members feel upset about what was being said about him after his passing. Specifically details about things that were clearly very private in Stephen‘s life. May he rest in peace in May all of his family Receive peace in one way or another.
February 5, 2025
Wow, all I can say is wow. To write a memior basically talking trash about your husband who committed suicide is not what I envisioned to read. Love and Light Allison, but this was a horrible memior. And I regret spending money on it.
February 17, 2025
3.5 stars
Starting the book out, I told myself to be unbiased (knew I wouldn't be), because I am a huge tWitch fan and with all the sensationalism around the book release, I felt like I really wasn't interested in what she had to say...based on the media reports. I have recently unfollowed her on Instagram, so I really went in with all the negativity...
Initially I rolled my eyes. A LOT. Allison talks about herself and praises herself on almost every page. Just how adored she was by whoever, how strong she is, how good she is, how much ambition she has, more so that other people.... I couldn't stand it and it irritated me. BUT as I got deeper into the book...I can also understand... Her husband chose to leave her and their 3 kids. As a wife, the first thing I would think is: what did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? Was I not worth it for him to stay?
Going through that level of self doubt....and as somebody who grew up with a relative who attempted suicide probably 15 times....I can tell you I never felt enough and as an adult that still affects me. How still would I feel if my husband, the love of my life...abandoned me? So if not Allison praising herself, building herself up, patting herself on the back...then who? I actually feel teary writing this, because I truly went into this book with a preconceived notion that I'd hate it and her......
Then her having to tell Weslie that he had unalived himself?? I have a daughter the exact same age as Weslie, one who is fiercely protective of her parents and loves us...like we are her world. She has said she cannot exist in a world where we do not exist. To have to imagine ever telling her something like this?? Wooo...guys, my heart broke for Weslie....and for Allison to have to inflict that pain onto her daughter....because of Stephen's choice.....
No matter how Allison chose to bounce back, walk the red carpet, not post father's day messages....it actually is none of our business. And I say that to myself, because I was judging her, hard! I even unfollowed her, because I only followed her because of Stephen.
I will say though, some things could have been kept private. I didn't like the leap that *SPOILER AHEAD* he could have been concerned that he would do something to his own son... I found that to be quite the leap and quite vile if he has never displayed such behaviour. I also feel like there were many occasions where she could have asked him more questions vs letting his behaviour just continue...if it was indeed as erratic as she describes. There is an undertone that she was very busy, wanting to be successful...she didn't really have time to ask him these questions. The way I interrogate my husband on what he ate for lunch everyday....we are different people....and I was not in their marriage. However as she put the book out for the world, I mean, I am entitled to give my opinion. She does seem very self involved, that is something I can't really change my opinion on.
She did not give the Boss family a heads up on the book and the claims she make which I don't think was very kind of her....BUT she does not slam the Boss family (minus the one allegation of the leaked comments) in the book. I have great empathy for the Boss family...and I feel bad for everybody involved, because in the end....Stephen left them to deal with all of this.
Yes I know mental health is a disease....but from where she stands....and again, my own experience, she is left picking up all the pieces...while he is resting in peace and being romanticized...while she is being vilified on social media for every single choice she makes....
So a very mixed bag of a review... hated the first half and thought she was very raw and honest (with her version of her truth) in the 2nd half.
'Stephen was a wonderful husband and father, and he crushed me and my children by leaving the way he did. Both things are true, but I don't think people want to hear that from me.' - Allison Holker
Thank you Netgalley for this review copy.
Starting the book out, I told myself to be unbiased (knew I wouldn't be), because I am a huge tWitch fan and with all the sensationalism around the book release, I felt like I really wasn't interested in what she had to say...based on the media reports. I have recently unfollowed her on Instagram, so I really went in with all the negativity...
Initially I rolled my eyes. A LOT. Allison talks about herself and praises herself on almost every page. Just how adored she was by whoever, how strong she is, how good she is, how much ambition she has, more so that other people.... I couldn't stand it and it irritated me. BUT as I got deeper into the book...I can also understand... Her husband chose to leave her and their 3 kids. As a wife, the first thing I would think is: what did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? Was I not worth it for him to stay?
Going through that level of self doubt....and as somebody who grew up with a relative who attempted suicide probably 15 times....I can tell you I never felt enough and as an adult that still affects me. How still would I feel if my husband, the love of my life...abandoned me? So if not Allison praising herself, building herself up, patting herself on the back...then who? I actually feel teary writing this, because I truly went into this book with a preconceived notion that I'd hate it and her......
Then her having to tell Weslie that he had unalived himself?? I have a daughter the exact same age as Weslie, one who is fiercely protective of her parents and loves us...like we are her world. She has said she cannot exist in a world where we do not exist. To have to imagine ever telling her something like this?? Wooo...guys, my heart broke for Weslie....and for Allison to have to inflict that pain onto her daughter....because of Stephen's choice.....
No matter how Allison chose to bounce back, walk the red carpet, not post father's day messages....it actually is none of our business. And I say that to myself, because I was judging her, hard! I even unfollowed her, because I only followed her because of Stephen.
I will say though, some things could have been kept private. I didn't like the leap that *SPOILER AHEAD* he could have been concerned that he would do something to his own son... I found that to be quite the leap and quite vile if he has never displayed such behaviour. I also feel like there were many occasions where she could have asked him more questions vs letting his behaviour just continue...if it was indeed as erratic as she describes. There is an undertone that she was very busy, wanting to be successful...she didn't really have time to ask him these questions. The way I interrogate my husband on what he ate for lunch everyday....we are different people....and I was not in their marriage. However as she put the book out for the world, I mean, I am entitled to give my opinion. She does seem very self involved, that is something I can't really change my opinion on.
She did not give the Boss family a heads up on the book and the claims she make which I don't think was very kind of her....BUT she does not slam the Boss family (minus the one allegation of the leaked comments) in the book. I have great empathy for the Boss family...and I feel bad for everybody involved, because in the end....Stephen left them to deal with all of this.
Yes I know mental health is a disease....but from where she stands....and again, my own experience, she is left picking up all the pieces...while he is resting in peace and being romanticized...while she is being vilified on social media for every single choice she makes....
So a very mixed bag of a review... hated the first half and thought she was very raw and honest (with her version of her truth) in the 2nd half.
'Stephen was a wonderful husband and father, and he crushed me and my children by leaving the way he did. Both things are true, but I don't think people want to hear that from me.' - Allison Holker
Thank you Netgalley for this review copy.
Read
February 16, 2025I am not about to rate this book when it is a woman's story of love and loss by suicide. How could you put stars to that?
Growing up, I loved watching SYTYCD, and Allison & Ivan were my favorites on that season. I remember watching it every week, and my best friend and I discussed the dances and how much we loved Allison and her dancing. Years later, we were introduced to Twitch and who couldn't enjoy him and then watching Ellen, he was in our living room every day.
When Twitch committed suicide I was personally offended. I felt I knew their lives, and they were the most happy couple posting their dances on Instagram. It goes to show you NEVER know what someone else is going through. So be kind to one another and reach out for help if you need it❤️
Growing up, I loved watching SYTYCD, and Allison & Ivan were my favorites on that season. I remember watching it every week, and my best friend and I discussed the dances and how much we loved Allison and her dancing. Years later, we were introduced to Twitch and who couldn't enjoy him and then watching Ellen, he was in our living room every day.
When Twitch committed suicide I was personally offended. I felt I knew their lives, and they were the most happy couple posting their dances on Instagram. It goes to show you NEVER know what someone else is going through. So be kind to one another and reach out for help if you need it❤️
February 21, 2025
Oh I have several thoughts!
First, I don’t really think this is a 5 star book; probably 4ish. I’m simply trying to raise the average since a lot of people - who didn’t read the book - gave it one star
Second, I’m struck that the criticisms Allison is getting are about the fact that she spoke honestly about Stephen’s life. I’m struck that our culture is so very uncomfortable allowing someone to be delightful and inspiring and talented AND suffer from serious depression and drug addictions. We don’t have to only allow one of those things to be true. I’m impressed that Allison, a very young widow in a tragic circumstance, is able to sit with both of those things (while being criticized for it).
Finally, I really appreciate that the author’s motivation was to help us see the signs of serious depression. It’s brave and helpful and I’m grateful to have the knowledge. I wouldn’t be surprised if Allison saves some lives with her candidness in this book. I know I’m more aware of troubling signs I may have missed.
I’ll stop now 🙂
First, I don’t really think this is a 5 star book; probably 4ish. I’m simply trying to raise the average since a lot of people - who didn’t read the book - gave it one star
Second, I’m struck that the criticisms Allison is getting are about the fact that she spoke honestly about Stephen’s life. I’m struck that our culture is so very uncomfortable allowing someone to be delightful and inspiring and talented AND suffer from serious depression and drug addictions. We don’t have to only allow one of those things to be true. I’m impressed that Allison, a very young widow in a tragic circumstance, is able to sit with both of those things (while being criticized for it).
Finally, I really appreciate that the author’s motivation was to help us see the signs of serious depression. It’s brave and helpful and I’m grateful to have the knowledge. I wouldn’t be surprised if Allison saves some lives with her candidness in this book. I know I’m more aware of troubling signs I may have missed.
I’ll stop now 🙂
February 21, 2025
I struggled with if I really wanted to read this or not but I’m glad I did. Allison is brutally honest. I can understand how people may not like that/be turned off by the book. I felt she handled sharing her story with grace and I think this could be a beneficial read for those struggling with grief. She gets a lot of hate for the way she has navigated losing her husband (which is insane to me). It never ceases to amaze me how often people talk shit on things they know nothing about. Or that they think they know the best way for her and her family to grieve? Get real. She has been through something horrific and still wakes up and chooses to see the best in the world.
Allison- thank you for sharing your story. It could not have been easy to put this all out into the public.
Allison- thank you for sharing your story. It could not have been easy to put this all out into the public.
March 15, 2025
3.5⭐️ Appreciate Allison for sharing her journey but don’t like that she shared details from Twitch’s life.
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